Wife left- Third Time 18 Years I'm OK

[revitup]

Sapientia,that's just it.She gives no reason to me,her friends,my family or anyone.I might get something like,I want something better,I want more etc.

 

It was strange but the last time she did this EXACT same thing,she went to our DR (no HIPPA Violations, as it is a family issue ,involving both our health issues) and he let me know she had told him for 55 minutes what a wonderful and caring husband and father I am.Then he says she changed abruptly and told him she felt like she was in fear of me.He asked her if I had touched or ever laid a hand on her and she said "no he would never even think of doing something like that!"

 

Dr then says I need to look up what is called "Projection" this is when a person who has been traumatized early in life and has become injured emotionally and does things that are beyond ugly and has awful thoughts about doing nasty things.This person then can't accept that the thoughts are their own,or that the abuse came from their own mother.

 

The person (according to Dr) "projects" their feelings for their mother,abusers,bad choices and actions onto the person they are closest.

 

She always said after going off on me, saying terribly hurtful things,that "I know you can take it,you are the strongest man I know"while at the same time,not allowing me to see into the problem at hand.Too painful I guess.Same thing would happen at the many MC,IC sessions we attended together.

 

Remember,she stopped her meds 4 months ago?The reason she gave was that she only had to take them because of me!Now I could understand if she said she had to take meds due to her mother allowing numerous men into their bed (they shared one bed when my wife was 7-8 yrs old)having sex with them in front of my wife as a child.Or that those men sexually abused her at the time.Which they did.Or if she had to take them to ease the feelings of the various boyfriends who abused her in her late teens by having her strip,escort and sell her body for the crack cocaine they shared while living in a motel room.

 

It will always be my fault, because she cannot bring herself to blame her mother (she can't even go around her mind you)It will always be my fault because she cannot accept the fact that, she, allowed these vermin who injured and used her.

 

Look it's time to put the nasty out here,let it be said that I know she will never change until she hits rock bottom.I do mean rock bottom.I helped her to overcome addictions,trauma,28 points on her drivers license, and bad credit.I rolled in and over the years, helped her to gain back the trust and admiration of her cousins and real family.I gave her credibility.A family woman she now was seen.

 

Yeah,enabler I am.Mr freaking fix it.Why did I not leave her last time she pulled this junk?Because I have never quit at any endeavor in my life.I have found several ways not to do things,but never see failure as such,but simply as a learning experience.

 

Simply put,I held on to something that was not real in the first place.I did not want to accept failure.It was easier to be a freaking martyr.You see if it's my fault,I can fix it!I can fix anything,remember?However if it's not my fault,that means I have no control.This is why I started to take blame and felt it empowered me to fix it.She knows my weakness' well and played them like a professional.

 

My commercial fishing buddy "toughest man I know" Put it to me like this during the last wayward episode (he and his wife know us well)

 

"Well dude,you are a brilliant man,a loving man and the smartest guy I know.

But,What the he$% did you expect when you married a crack whore?"When he said this I actually understood for the first time why my son and all of my friends were asking why I was chasing this hateful and hurtful woman around.They would say,give me 10 minutes and we will have a harem for you to choose from,you are the man women think they will never find.You are a great man.Man the he$$ up boy.Wake up and know that nobody treats you like this if they love you!

 

It opened my eyes and I made a decision that when this happened this time,I would be prepared.I didn't think it to be inevitable mind you.Just looking for the best while preparing for the worst.I was ready and prepared as well as I could possibly have been.

 

I like my info and advise served cold and hard,no beating around the bushes and no politically correct lines in it.It just made sense and now I will be the strongest man I can be,the finest father I can,the best brother of anyone,the most loyal friend a person could ever want and when the time comes,I will once again be the very best man,provider,protector and passionate lover I can be, for the woman that finds me,adores me,appreciates me and is loyal to me.

 

If that future woman, ever even mentions leaving my behind,she will immediately join the ranks of this one,becoming someone I shared a part of my life with.

 

OK,yesterday I get a text from (Woman Who Lost OUT) she says "Daughter needs money for cell phone)

I am not sending any more money,but I just don't reply.

 

Today,WWLO leaves a VM (I don't answer) Says,"I have a flat tire,can you call me? I know you probably won't though"

I didn't respond.She is 5 hours away anyhow,and last time she had a flat and called me I rushed to her (she was living here then) and her response was "I just needed the jack you have,I'll change my own tire"That was three weeks before she ran away,it was way out of character as well.Next we go and I buy her a tire,she asks the man what happened to hers?He says she ran over something.

 

Now, as we are riding away with the new tire, she asks "Can I ask you something without you being angry?"I say sure.She asks "Did you stick a knife in my tire?"I reply,"So I was ten miles away hiding under the highway and stabbed your tire"I go on "and I buy you a car,put new tires on it,pay to have the flat tire replaced with my own money,all just to stab a tire I will have to pay to replace?"No answer from her,Just "well you don't have go on about it,just drop it!"Passive agressive behavior is the norm now.

 

Moving on,

Today STBX calls my brother,says "Husband isn't answering me,let him know I need more money put into my account.Daughter needs phone bill money and we need the rest of the money for a trip we planned (while here and with her old lady friends here)to go to NYC on a junket and sightseeing."

 

This ain't a gonna happen!My daughter is sending me I Love You Daddy messages regularly on FB.She is smart and knows exactly what I am about.She will see things differently as to her "friend" who used to be her mother.I see her asking some hard questions of her mother shortly.STBX is simply trying to set me up with Daughter as me being a "bad dad" who wno't give us money.

 

Problem is that I know North Carolina is a state in which "abandonment " is a criteria for divorce and custody.You see I had saved money from prior ventures,about gone now though.But it happened to be that when STBX left,she had a job and that month,I did not.Can't leave a man when he's down.

 

Sure it's her 1st one ever and my only time without one,but rules is rules!

 

Hope this answers the "it's your fault" and "why did she leave you" questions.

Simply put "Runaway wives and crack whores who cheat on their loving husbands and runaway" will say anything!

 

I am happy but more importantly, I am awake and aware and in control of my reaction to all she will surely try.

 

REVITUP

[g450]

OMG what drama. Be glad you will be rid of that soon.

 

Dont send her money. You can buy phone time for your daughter online or send it to her.

 

You are handling this very well. Good luck.

[2sunny]

You're doing great - stay in as little contact as possible. She's likely to create MORE dramatic scenarios! Expect to hear that one of them goes to the hospital... Usual drama for someone who's desperate to get our attention at all costs.

 

Her crack habit may be active again...

 

Try to gain custody of your daughter.

 

Don't give money u til the court orders it! Hopefully she'll get desperate enough to begin working and earning things herself!

[revitup]

Sapientia,You are a professional what?The only two options you have are both my fault?

 

Either I am an enabler ?

Or I have mental issues?

 

Where does her being a crack whore play into your scenario?

I do not say I am perfect.

 

Just know that I didn't know she was a crack whore,ie; her boy friend abused her when she was younger.

 

She was drinking and lost when I came to know her.

 

Let me reiterate...I did not know she was a crack whore!She never used crack and was not a whore when I met her.I simply found her and fell for her ,only to find out years later,years later,many years later.

 

If you assumed something,I am not surprised,you certainly assumed I was at fault.

 

Good luck in your profession.

[2sunny]

Whatever it costs youto cut ties = it's worth it! I speak from experience!

 

It does get better if you keep a solid, healthy boundary!

[riverratt]

Interesting. Well either you are an enabler or you have other issues. I suspect the latter b/c, afterall, your friend is correct. You *did* choose to marry (and stay married to) a women knowing she had serious issues.

 

I wonder what you got out of that drama-fest. Did it make you feel powerful or superior in some way? Or, the flip side, do you enjoy punishing yourself?

 

Anyway, fascinating psychology, human dynamics. As a professional myself and having been through counselling and observing them, I'm convinced there *are* no experts in this area. Just people with varying levels of experience on the continuum.

 

I don't agree. Some people genuinely care for others and will put others in front of themselves because that is just the way they are. A person doesn't have to have "issues" to do the right thing.

[riverratt]

They are generally codependent. Too much sacrifice isn't healthy and is often a way for people to avoid dealing with their own issues. They choose someone with issues big enough for both of them.

 

This may or may not have been the case with revitup. Only he knows for sure. I also know that when someone reacts violently to an anonymous internet post, it is usually b/c a nerve has been struck. People without issues laugh it off.

 

Anyway, you are entitled to your opinion. So am I.

 

I see where you are coming from.

[revitup]

I am suddenly reminded of the story of the TWO village idiots.

 

Nuff said.

 

It's good to be me again.

[revitup]

Weekend update 10/1/2012

 

Thurs Fri Sat all had stbx sending texts,leaving voicemails etc.

I am not responding at all.She calls my brother and his wife now, asking if they will relay messages to me that "she just want's to talk".

 

My daughter and I communicate through FB and text/cell conversations.

STBX never says anything about anything important or relevant to the situation to me or my brother.She just rambles and has small talk.

 

The 180' and NC are working great,I become stronger the longer I avoid her voice.The last time she did this,I am embarrassed to say,I would re-listen to old vm's she had left me,just to hear her voice!How weak is that?This time it helps to just not hear it at all.

 

I have let my daughter know that I will be paying her cell phone bill directly to her provider.I want her to have access to a phone to call me when she needs me.

 

Something that I have been thinking about the past few days,is why would I have allowed this to continue so long?Did SAP have some kind of a point?

 

Maybe so,I had a great friend 20 yrs ago.He was a Navy Seal (ret).Toughest guy I know.We shared a flaw,alcoholism.

 

I had gotten sober at age 29 (I'm now 49) and still clean and sober.

 

Soon afterwards my Seal buddy came to me and asked if I would be his sponsor.I said no,but my sponsor would be glad to help.

 

He got sober too.It was cool.We now went to meetings together instead of bars.

 

All was great and a year or so had passed.I received a call from another friend of ours who said Seal was at his house the night before and that our Seal buddy had been kicked out by his wife.I let my other buddy know that Seal was OK and that I had saw him the day before,he was excited.He was freshly back from Atlantic City and had won 44k!Playing craps.Limo brought him back to Wash,DC....What could be wrong?

 

Anyway,my friend let me know that Seal had spent the night with him and now his .45 Caliber was gone.Wow!

 

I am closing some kind of deal and can't make contact with Seal.

Later I receive a VM from him saying he is OK,don't worry.This makes me worry more.

 

He had called our other buddy,when he couldn't get me.He was now in his wife's apartment in DC.The police are surrounding his apartment and he is in the bathroom with the .45 Cal

 

They asked him(buddy was listening on cell)If he was OK? He tells them it' all good to go.They do not let handguns into DC at all.His wife had probably called and told it.

 

A couple of minutes later,Seal did the deed.He was gone with 45k in his pocket!

 

I said then,that I would always be "there" no matter what for those I have promised.I have carried this with me for a long time.I know inside that if a guy is gonna off himself,there is no stopping him.Never the less I have carried it.

 

STBX knows this.I met her a couple years later.When I said I would always be there,no matter what,I meant just that.I think that I may have became a martyr of some kind.She knew just how to pull this string.

 

I know this has nothing to do with divorce and separation but there it is.You don't know me and I don't know you.Now it feels better inside to let someone other than stbx know what hurts me inside.

 

My mission will be to improve in some small way everyday.I will be the very best person I can be under the circumstances.

 

Also,I am ADHD never diagnosed until age 39.They say that I medicated by using caffeine.I have akways drank 15-20 cups of coffee everyday,no matter how hot it is outside.The Ritalin makes me calm and focused.I have an abnormally high IQ.

 

In high school I barely got by with B's and C's,I was bored.But when you look at my AVSAB and State Competency scores I missed 4 questions out of 240 at age 17.I could focus on that test,but not on homework.Maybe this means something to someone else.I don't know.

 

When you have to use Ritalin,you have to be seen monthly (class II narcotic w/same effects on brain chemistry as Cocaine).

 

My doc has known about the impending situation with STBX all along and about her treatment of me.She had prepared me for what has happened in advance and it was simply textbook.

 

You see I, knew my wife had some issues with alcohol when we met.I also saw the results in me and friends I had helped to get sober and stay sober.

 

People don't change behaviors until they hit "rock bottom" I have known that all along.For years stbx was OK.Meds worked fairly well and no drugs or alcohol.

 

I believe now that the thought of a repeat of the other situation led me to become passive and believe that as long as she was here I could monitor the situation and help.I was wrong.

 

My doc says she thinks I should get my daughter back,no matter what it takes.That is what I am working on now.Doc says "your wife is crazy right now and that's ok.It's not ok for your daughter to see it first hand".Doc says stbx, has to hit the bottom and reach out for help,then she will recover from the craziness that has become normal in her mind.

 

There is always more to any story ,isn't there?

 

Thanks

REVITUP

[g450]

Weekend update 10/1/2012

 

People don't change behaviors until they hit "rock bottom" I have known that all along.For years stbx was OK.Meds worked fairly well and no drugs or alcohol.

 

REVITUP

 

Indeed. My divorce was my rock bottom. I am a better man because of it though. Ironically, I didnt start drinking myself until after the SHTF and I now still do. It's comforting to me and IMO I dont abuse it. I just got to that phase of my life where I decided I would try to enjoy life in my silver years for a change. The years of punching a clock only to come home to a bitter and angry spouse are over for me.

 

FWIW, I have a friend who recently married his fourth wife. His third had a drinking problem that destroyed their marriage. His fourth wife doesnt drink, he made sure of it.

[revitup]

Update,All week no calls or texts to me.STBX may have called my family members,I wouldn't know as I asked them not to tell me.

 

Last night I get a call from STBX' number.I answer and I am glad I did.I do not know why I answered.

 

It was my 14 yr old daughter.The problem is now a different one.Daughter says,Daddy I can't send texts and I can't get onto FB.Just seemed like she was being somewhat selfish in her tone.This isn't like my daughter at all.I had already paid her phone bill and it was on.Why would she be acting like this?

 

Her mother was in the background and I could hear her giving advice of some kind.Well I walked my daughter through the phone situation and the phone was fine.Just something wrong with her phone at the time I guess.

 

Anyway,I see an alienation of some sort coming.It had been happening all along though.My daughter and I laugh and get along great when we are alone.When she is around her mother she is almost afraid to show that she likes me.

 

I read the parental alienation blog a week ago on another post here.

 

I see it coming.Bad Daddy, Mom is my best friend.Just feels bad to see this playing out this way.

 

In the end I believe my daughter will see through this.Last night backfired on my STBX I think.I believe she was trying to do a gotcha on me by having my daughter call to say,Daddy you didn't do what you said you would.Didn't work.

[2sunny]

Bring your daughter with you!

[Gunny376]

Parential Alienation only works in a vaccumless void ~ and IF you let it happen. All it takes is for you to "not be there" for the DD. IF you make a determined effort to be a contionious daily presence in your DD's life. As in a conscous effort on a daily basis.

 

In other words in order for Parential Alienation to work all that is required is for your to do nothing. It may mean sometimes a daily re-alignment of your priorties (It would seem to me you've got that handled already )

 

Otherwise all the STBXW will accomplish in the short, mid and long term is digging herself a deeper hole with the DD.

[revitup]

NC still working wonders on my focus and understanding.I have made a transition into self examination.

 

It's scary how things look different after just over two months apart.I can't believe the things that I allowed to happen in my life.I should slap myself.

 

Yesterday I googled "gaslighting" I really had no idea of the subject,have never heard the word before seeing it on this site.

 

Well, the site that I went to was a site about Borderline Personality Disorder and Gaslighting by those suffering from the disorder.Wow,What an eye opener.The blame shifting and slow dismantling of a person's self worth.I really did not see this happening to me at the time.Now it is clear and in my face that over many years I had slowly started to question my own beliefs and actions.

 

That being said,it appears my STBX is discouraging our 14 yr old daughter from contact with me in all forms.No contact on cell,text,FB or email.

 

For the first time since NC,I sent a text to my STBX asking if my daughter was OK.Still no answer back after several hours.

 

My daughter is also not answering anything after a week of me trying.(I pay her cell bill)

 

It was always clear that I would speak to my WW if it was about our daughter.

 

 

Maybe this is somehow a ploy to maintain the control she once had over me.It will backfire,I will now start an offensive to get my daughter back with me.

 

This woman is not who I loved in the beginning and I honestly at this point, would never pick her for a friend,let alone a lover and soul mate.

 

Anyone else saw this "Gaslighting" thing before?

[Gunny376]

Gaslighting? Oh yea! But it kind of like being up to your azz in Indians, alligators, and snakes? When one finds themselves as such? They tend to forget that their initial objective when they first started out was to drain the swamp.

 

Not to actually suggest you do this? I post it just as a smirky comment? But if you want to hear from your 14 year old DD? Don't pay her cell phone bill.

 

I can GUARANTEEEEEEE' you'll hear from her!

[Yasuandio]

[quote=revitup;4324795

Anyone else saw this "Gaslighting" thing before?

 

Yes, years and years ago, I learned the word from seeing the old movie by the name of Gaslight - from where the, now, "psychological term," comes from. It featured Charles Boyer, Inged Bergman, and a sassy 18 year old Angela Lansbury.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film)

 

 

 

I can watch that film over and over. Check it out on Netflex or whatever. It is really great. Yas

Edited October 13, 2012 by Yasuandio

[revitup]

Gunny,You are spot on about the "don't pay the cell bill" that happened at the beginning of this month and I had paid it but she thought it was off.Called in one hour!

 

I have to admit,for years, I was ashamed and maybe had a fear of embarrassment over what I had allowed to happen to me in this brainwashing thing.

 

Yas,Thanks for the link.I really thought I had heard it all.Boy was I wrong.Gaslighting!Really?This behavior is evil.

 

Anyway,I am working on a very personal and important project right now.I have been on it,on and off, for four months or so.It requires a great deal of focus and those around me now, are extremely supportive.It baffles them as to how I can understand the laws and Government connections involved in this thing.

 

My forefathers were some of the largest landowners in North Carolina in the 1600's and forward.They were also Native Americans as I am.I have the original land grants and deeds for many thousands of acres of land.These were deeded by the Governor to King George in the 1600's.My Grandfathers petitioned the State Of NC and had schools built just for our race.They wrote books,genealogical records and manuscripts for our people.

 

This tribe "Croatan Indians Of Sampson County" has been hijacked and hidden by many people and politicians.This was done for financial gain and power.I am on a mission to bring it all out into the open and will not relent.The "Indian people" are sometimes,their own worst enemy.

 

I bring this up because my STBX never cared one bit as to what my passions and concerns were.She would say "I've always been here for you".Heck,I believed her ,even though she had already left me twice before!My parrot has been there all along as well,21 years.

 

Now that I am free from her Gaslighting or whatever,I am involved in serious conversations with people who actually do care about me,our tribe and our heritage,yet they just met me.It seems that all the while, the STBX was causing me to push the people who really knew me out of my life.It appears that if I had been in conversation with other people,they would have seen things that I didn't and would have "woke me up".

 

I see her as a distraction now.I would have laughed at you a few short months ago if you said I would ever feel like this toward her.

[revitup]

How do you know when it is time to let the wayward spouse know you are pissed and glad their sorry ass is gone?

 

I think I need to vent on her hateful azz.

 

I won't, but somehow that just felt very good to say.

[Owl]

The best revenge is to live a wonderful life...WITHOUT HER.

[revitup]

Owl,you are the man.

[revitup]

WW just sent a text message...her new phone number.Says she wants to talk,I answered her call.She is going to call later.

 

I really don't know what to say to her at this point.

 

Think I will just listen and see what she is up to.

[Owl]

Just remember...there's no REQUIREMENT that you have to listen to her.

 

If she starts down a conversation path you don't like...tell her. If she keeps going...end the call.

 

And only take her call if you're actually interested in what she might have to say. Remember...at this point, YOU are in control of YOU. She has no power over you.

[2sunny]

She must be calling because she wants something from you...

[revitup]

Sunny...yes money is what she wants!

Also she says she was on the way to a 3pm Dr's appt for our daughter's shoulder yesterday.That she would call afterward and wanted to "talk".

 

Well,after several hours she sends a text at 8:45 pm last night saying,I'll call you in the am.

 

She hasn't called.I don't expect she will either,it appears she is simply trying to get something or keep tabs on me.Neither of these will happen.

 

Somehow this is causing me to lose a little focus.She knows I am concerned about our daughter.This is her last Ace in the hole over me.It hurts not to know what's going on but I will just keep on, keeping on.

 

It's good to have all of you here to keep me in check.She has a way of making me feel I am wrong about my own thinking!

[Owl]

So the next time she sends you a text saying when she wants to "talk"...reply immediately that you're busy. She's missed the last couple of times...time for you to do the same to her.

 

Oh...and start keeping a journal, written in pen, of all of these interactions with your wife. While potentially not any kind of actual legal document, it does help YOU see a pattern, and it's possible that the judge could take a lot of what you note in there into account when it comes to working through custody and child support.