Wife left- Third Time 18 Years I'm OK

[revitup]

Excellent week for the REVITUP crew.

 

My DD14 actually talked a teenage boy from SC out of drugs-Heroin and later in the week,DD14 and I prevented suicide by the same teen by texting back and forth with him as he was committing the act!!!

 

The teen is an atheist and was also coming down from the heroin.The teen had been molested by an adult at 12 yrs old.

 

This story will be for another day as it is long and difficult.I will say that there was redemption in it as I had to do the texting (words only-DD14 actually typed the texts for me).It is redemptive because I have held guilt over my own head for the suicide of my Navy Seal buddy (20 yrs ago ) when he couldn't get me on the phone.I know now that there would be no stopping him then,if that is what he wanted to do.I am very proud of DD14 for holding it all together,there were others in the car with us and they had an amazed look as I told DD14 what to type.Boy is safe and under watch now.DD14 is proud of helping him to live.

 

Anyway,DD14 is healing well and never mentions STBXWW unless I ask DD14 how she feels about her.DD14 has adapted to her old school and friends and settled right into High School life.

 

DD14 had been a little grumpy towards me at times this past week,I settled her down and told her the attitude would stop.Later on, DD14 came to me and said "Dad,I'm sorry for the attitude lately,it's just that an attitude was the only way mom would pay me any attention".

 

I hurt for her over that,I am just so happy that both of us are out of the clutches of this BPDr of a STBXWW.This disorder is evil.

 

Also DD14 told me that her mom advised her to get any piercings DD14 wanted,any sex DD14 wanted,date alot of boys and even drop out of school if DD14 wanted to do that!STBXWW said "You're at the same age that I was when I dropped out,became sexual,experimented with drugs and went wild,YOU are just like me"!!!DD14 says no to that program!

 

It is hard to understand how this woman has become the devil himself.It's not like a normal breakup,this is like hell on earth with this woman.

 

How blessed DD14 and I are to never have to deal with the day to day drama any longer.It's as though we both have been freed from a terrorist camp.

 

Tonight we will attend a play "Hair Spray" that her buddy is in here locally.Not exactly the "Comfy bath robe and Champagne" Mystery2Me and MsOptimist are going to have,but hey I am a simple man.

 

Everyone have a great weekend,We are!

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

Rev, thanks for the update and uplifting story about the suicide drama unfolding while you and DD14 were in the car texting. Like you, I hope the young guy gets the help he needs. Have a great weekend, Rev!

[Mystery2Me]

Cheers for the Revitup Crew!

 

Another tour de force your family! What a blessing to this young man at just the right time. Sort of bitter sweet to learn that so many people are dealing with challenging times; alas I too learned tonight of the struggles a friend.

 

I think it's good that you are bringing up the topic of STBXW with DD14, so she's not just suppressing the effects of their relationship but rather dealing with them in a healthy way.

 

Lol I know teenager attitude is not fun, but isn't it good news that DD14 is returning to the life of a healthy teen.

 

Finally I'd say an evening out at the "theater" with DD14 is surely living the high life!

 

~Cheers and enjoy the weekend!! ~Mystery

[revitup]

Downtown and Mystery2Me, Thank you for your supportive comments.You always make me smile.

 

With the STBXWW gone,it is a different world now,a better one.It seems as though we have missed out on fun and joy in our lives all along.I can't tell you how great it feels to be "FREE" from the oppressive spirits around the STBXWW.She made it a challenge to just be yourself.

 

There was never a day that I didn't hope we would always be a "family".

 

Now we know that STBXWW has a different idea as to what "family" means.DD14 is more confident and happy without the weight of STBXWW's grip.DD14 is happy about seeing all of her friends again and very supportive of them.DD14 enjoys the little things again and her outlook is positive.

 

We are a family now,a small one but a better one.

 

The BPD thing made this a much harder ride than a normal breakup.The comments of Downtown, BPDr as well as others who have some knowledge in this disorder,have opened my eyes.There is no way to tell you guys how happy REVITUP is right now. I know that happiness is within us,that we are responsible for our own happiness,but the outside pressure of a bad spouse can destroy you and your confidence.

 

As I read the posts of the hurting here,I just hope they know there is a better life available.One of promise and hope.It takes time but it is worth it.There is no way I would ever consider going backwards into my old life.

 

Mystery,yes it was a great "night out" with DD14.We laughed and joked with each other,egged one another on and had a great ride there and back home.It was the best "date" I have had in many years.When I do date again (that feels cool to say...date) I will be the most fun date in the world.You see, when a person is finally out of a trap like this one,they will never take a minute of life for granted again.I know I won't.

 

Life's a garden....dig it! Joe Dirt

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

I'm so glad that you and DD have each other, she needs a strong role model and you are there for her - that is something to be very proud of!

 

I especially agree with your last paragraph about not taking the little things for granted in the future. The joys in life are that much brighter after going through these heavy and dark times.

[revitup]

Well it didn't take long for the day to change....STBXWW BPDr just rang.

 

STBXWW just called me and hung up.I called her back.She told me she was calling to see if I had blocked her from calling my phone too (she knows I blocked her from DD14 two weeks ago).

 

Well it didn't take long for her to start making excuses as to her neglecting our DD14.STBXWW says that I am in the wrong for blocking her from contacting DD14.I explained that DD14 doesn't want to talk to her because she refuses to answer any real questions from DD14.SHe refused to tell DD14 when she would even send DD14's personal things to her here in NC.

 

All psych docs and police have said to sever all contact and you here have also saw the need for this action.STBXWW thinks she is a victim in all of this.She says that she just fell asleep and lost track of time when she didn't come home until DD14 was to catch the school bus.DD14 called her all night back then worried about where she was,only to have her calls go unanswered!

 

STBXWW says she isn't "dating" anyone now?Who cares,I hope she dates everyone she can,just stay away from me.I explained that I am the happiest that I have been in years and that I hoped she enjoyed being "her real self".STBXWW wants to go on about how she is working hard and not on C/L anymore looking for men.She says she didn't ask for the nude pics of her new C/L men to be sent,it just happened and she didn't mean for DD14 to see them.STBXWW says that she isn't getting drunk anymore either.In her mind I am still her only problem.

 

I stayed so calm in this call and I am glad that I called her back.I wouldn't suggest you do this until you are at a strong point in your 180's and NC though.I just knew that it was time to be strong and go on the offense.

 

STBXWW tells me that she wants me to have DD14 call her,I say NO!I will not under any circumstances even tell DD14 she called today.I explained that DD14 had warned her about trying to control her in phone conversations and had begged her to tell her when STBXWW would send her little belongings only to be denied any answer.I let her know that the decision to not talk with her was the will of DD14.

 

STBXWW says "I could win in court".I said "Bring it on and I will win under any circumstances you can bring".I would spend everything I will ever earn to keep my DD14 from being further abused by this woman.STBXWW says "I won't fight because DD14 wants to be with you".

 

I think STBXWW wants to feel like a real mother,but truly doesn't want DD14 anywhere near her now.She wants to appear to those around her as a victim.I will be on offense from now on.

 

BPDr's are different than the normal WW.This is hard for some here to get a grip on and it certainly isn't normal in a breakup of regular people.It is a difficult thing to predict the next move on her part.I just expect the unexpected and don't care.

 

I am not being indecisive or perplexed as to what I should be doing.I simply am living my life as though I never knew her.My daughter and I are enjoying the journey and the complications in our lives.These are nothing more than temporary distractions.We see these things as mere mosquitoes and gnats to be swatted away.

 

Maybe one day I will sit down and cry about being the real victim.Maybe one day I will be sorry for not doing more to help the STBXWW.That day is not today.

 

Today I will bask in the sunshine (thanks Mystery2Me) and enjoy this wonderful thing called life.

 

I love my life now and wish all here a wonderful weekend.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Thank you MsOp,I was typing as you were sending your compliment.Your support means a lot to me as well as that of Gunny and others here.I always feel like I am leaving someone out when I give thanks for all of the support I receive.To the ones who have been left out I say thank you.

 

MsOp,You deserve to have a great weekend as well.You are strong in your pursuit of happiness and I know you will one day be happier than you can imagine.These dark and dreary times only effect us when we allow them to do so.For today I say,live life to it's fullest.Savor all of the small things you see.I have started to see little things in nature that had been missed before.A sunrise that is different,a bird building a nest or just someone holding hands with their loved ones.

 

I have started to re-write my goals and to follow my own training and plan each day in my Franklin Planner.This step alone has brought me out of the funk of this nightmare.Planning the future with someone else in it this time.I have begun to think about the type of woman I want,really want in my life.

 

Thinking about that excites me.I actually have a choice now.Deep inside I always knew that I had settled for less than I deserved and I believe a lot of us know this about our choices in relationships as well.It hurts to think about all of the "wasted" time with someone you settled for in the beginning.The thought of "losing" what we once had together can be overwhelming,at least to me.

 

I now have changed my focus to the future and how grateful I am to be able to decide what it will be like.None of us have to be with anyone else in order to be all that we can.There is power in knowing that we do not have to stay in a bad situation just because of "time served"!

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

Maybe one day I will sit down and cry about being the real victim. That day is not today.

True, Rev, and that day will not come. You were never the "real victim" but, rather, part of the problem -- being an excessive caregiver like I was for 15 years. As you now realize so well, you had the power all along for those 18 years you chose to stay. All you had to do to end the pain -- and the enabling of her childish behaviors -- was to walk away and take responsibility for your own happiness and that of your daughter. Your ability to do exactly that is a remarkable accomplishment! You should be very proud of yourself, Rev.

[revitup]

Downtown,That gives me chills to my bones!

 

There will never be a day that I blame anyone except me for this mess.It is a wonderful thing though,as you know,if I am the problem...I can change that!

If it was someone else....I'm screwed!They will never do what I want.

 

This is a day that I wish had happened long ago.I really could have changed it all back then.

 

I regret not changing it after year 4 of our "relationship".Why year 4?

 

Because I have my beautiful DD14 because of years 3 and 4 and I wouldn't have it any other way.If I had to go back I would not change anything if it meant I wouldn't have her.

 

I know that DD14 will be 18 shortly and gone to college.I will be a happy and sad Dad then.I will also be proud that I saved her when I couldn't save her mother!

 

You see,like yourself,I am always saving and or protecting someone.This time I am first saving myself and then helping others.

 

Thank you my friend

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

Thank you MsOp,I was typing as you were sending your compliment.Your support means a lot to me as well as that of Gunny and others here.I always feel like I am leaving someone out when I give thanks for all of the support I receive.To the ones who have been left out I say thank you.

 

MsOp,You deserve to have a great weekend as well.You are strong in your pursuit of happiness and I know you will one day be happier than you can imagine.These dark and dreary times only effect us when we allow them to do so.For today I say,live life to it's fullest.Savor all of the small things you see.I have started to see little things in nature that had been missed before.A sunrise that is different,a bird building a nest or just someone holding hands with their loved ones.

 

I have started to re-write my goals and to follow my own training and plan each day in my Franklin Planner.This step alone has brought me out of the funk of this nightmare.Planning the future with someone else in it this time.I have begun to think about the type of woman I want,really want in my life.

 

Thinking about that excites me.I actually have a choice now.Deep inside I always knew that I had settled for less than I deserved and I believe a lot of us know this about our choices in relationships as well.It hurts to think about all of the "wasted" time with someone you settled for in the beginning.The thought of "losing" what we once had together can be overwhelming,at least to me.

 

I now have changed my focus to the future and how grateful I am to be able to decide what it will be like.None of us have to be with anyone else in order to be all that we can.There is power in knowing that we do not have to stay in a bad situation just because of "time served"!

 

REVITUP

 

The words that I bolded really ring true for me. This is the first time I'm putting myself first - and like several of us have mentioned, I'm another "saver and protector" type where I tend to put others' needs ahead of mine. I'm trying to put me first now and take care of me.

 

It hurts me to think of how much I ended up settling for, and didn't even realize it most of the time! I, too, am excited to think about the possibilities of someday having a life partner who is an equal in the relationship. I am also taking this time of reflection and working on myself to think about the kind of man that I eventually want in my life. I don't NEED someone, but someday I do want to be in a long term relationship again, and ultimately have someone to share life with.

 

I hope you're enjoying your weekend!

[Mystery2Me]

Well said, MsO!

 

I am right here with you across the board! This weekend I did a pretty good job of putting myself first, but must admit it still feels awakward...suppose that due to putting other's needs ahead of mine.

 

Have a lovely evening and a great week. ~Mystery!

[revitup]

Ladies you are right to put yourselves first.It is great to see you are both doing that right now.

 

Jim Rohn said "I'll be the best ME......For You".

It sometimes feels a little self centered to say it,but if we do not put ourselves first,who will?I don't mean like King or Queen of the world or above God here,just first among those who actually depend on us to be there when they really need us.When we are at our best,we can help our families and our friends when they need us.The blind however ,can't lead the blind.

 

When I was blind as to what I wasn't seeing in my R,some of you here lead me to truth.

I think you guys have 20/20 vision now.

 

Have the week you have earned and deserve.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Just updating my stuff,

 

Received a call from DD14's school yesterday,I was at the store and was surprised at a midday call,a little scared really.Then two ladies ask if I can talk and I ask if all is ok.They say oh yes very OK!

 

Well they turn out to be two Math teachers from DD14's class.They ask if I would mind coming to the school yesterday and signing documents moving DD14 into a higher Honors/College Prep course? I am very happy to say yes I will.

 

It seems the teachers have been arranging the move up for two weeks,they saw the way DD14 was completing her work so easily and were on the ball and made the move for her.

 

It could have been so different in DD14's move back here.She has adapted and overcome all obstacles and on this Valentine's Day she is my sweetheart now.

 

On the STBXWW front,no new news,she sent DD14 a Vday card and that's all the contact in a while.Although I did get angry at STBXWW (no reason at all) once this week though.Don't know why,just happened and went away pretty quick.

 

On the great side,it feels great to be excited about the future and I really mean it when I say ,I have Never Been Better!!!

 

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

Rev, thanks for giving us another update. I'm glad to hear that all is going so well. And, yes, that is great news that your DD14 is doing so well in math! As to the temporary flareup of your anger toward your STBXW, my view is that you will be a lot better off experiencing some righteous anger more often -- to ensure that you stay away from her.

[Mack05]

go for you revitup...

[Mystery2Me]

Wonderful news RevitUp! It so exciting to learn about DD14's adventures, isn't it good when live is good!

[revitup]

Downtown,you are correct.Righteous anger is exactly what I really think happened.It was a little bit of "victim" mentality for me.I hate the victim mentality thing,but as you say "righteous anger" is actually a good thing.It helps keep me centered and way away from the STBXWW!I will say that I would never even contemplate being as much as a friend to STBXWW though.That thought hasn't even crossed my mind.

 

M2M,

 

Thank you too.It is great to see my little DD14 move ahead through what some might use as a "crutch" or an excuse to fail in life.I have seen that many times from friends and colleagues,they use their bad childhood to determine their future success in life.I simply will not allow that in my life,nor will I allow DD14 to use that excuse (although she would be 100% correct) to be a deadbeat or failure.

 

I believe most people just behave the way they are told they should behave,whether good or bad.

 

 

Today,I tell all of you to live the life you would want for the person you love the most.

 

REVITUP

[Mystery2Me]

Hey RevitUp! Hope the week has been a good one.

 

~Mystery

[revitup]

Mystery2Me,I have had an "unbelievable" week.....you can say that no matter how things are going....good or bad!Thanks for the thoughts.

 

Update.....STBXWW is still out of the deal with me!!!!

 

Every day that goes by makes me feel more and more blessed to be single.

 

I am so lucky!

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

Rev, I'm glad to hear that you are holding the course and feeling strong. Now that you are separated, I believe you will be amazed to find how quickly the "Old Rev" comes back and you start feeling like your younger, stronger self.

[revitup]

Downtown,you are right on target here.I do feel like the younger and stronger Rev now.It is amazing how much easier it is to deal with STBXWW's junk the longer the NC is in place.

 

This week I accidentally answered her call,I had an earpiece in my ear and my buddy was looking at a video on my Droid.I couldn't tell who was calling and so I answered when my phone rang.It was STBXWW.

 

STBXWW started with the old "I just want to be civil" and all that jazz.I simply said " I didn't know it was you calling or I wouldn't have answered,gotta go,do not call me again,I am never going to call you either".My buddy just about fell out!He said,"you weren't kidding when you told all of us you were done with her junk".

 

I know it may seem like a mean way of dealing with another person,it is the best way to protect my sanity however.I simply am too good for her.She does not deserve a man like me.I screwed up when I picked her,but no more.I will have the person I deserve this time.....even if it takes the rest of my life to find her.

 

Thanks to all here,I am a better man and it happened so quick.I grow stronger every day.

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

I simply said " I didn't know it was you calling or I wouldn't have answered,gotta go,do not call me again,I am never going to call you either".

Perfect. That's called "enforcing one's personal boundaries after they've been violated." REV IS THE MAN!

[Gunny376]

Its not onlly enforcing personal bounderies ~ but its being assertive, decisive, and resolute in not allowing yourself to be "her doormat". I'm quite sure she's lost, dazed and confused as to why her old 'black majic ~ mojo" no longer has its hold on you!

 

Way to man-up!

 

Gunny

[revitup]

Downtown,Gunny,

 

Yup,manning way up!It is such a great feeling.It no longer feels as though I am being mean or rude.It is simply enforcing my manhood.

 

Never again will REVITUP be a doormat for anyone.I look back now and see myself as someone I do not recognize.

 

I am more assertive for sure.The main thing for the new and hurting people on here to know is that the NC,180's and advice if all here who have already been there and done that,really,really works.

 

My turn around was only after I took the leap of faith and listened to the sound advice of all here.It is in the moment that you actually "decide" that you have power,that change starts.Making the decision to not make a decision is simply indecision.Indecision is at the head of the list of failure.Indecision and cow-towing is what got me into my mess,there was a weakness in me that said "if I just let her have her way,blah,blah,blah" I was wrong,plain and simple.Never again!

 

Yes Gunny,she is in a state of utter confusion now.I believe she has probably been thoroughly used by the new men and dates in her life by now.The outcome is not what she expected and now she would like to "stick a fork in me" again and see what happens.That isn't even an option.STBXWW doesn't even get to know how I am doing now.She left that PRIVILEGE way,way behind.

 

Now I know who I really am and that man is a good one,deserving of happiness and deserving of a good woman of intelligence, trustworthiness,sense of humor,loyalty,supportive and compassionate.She will also be receptive of my loving nature and not take me for granted.Nothing less will be tolerated by the REVITUP man again.

 

Well that's about it for now.I hope all here know that I appreciate all you have done for me and my DD14 (who is getting stronger and stronger) by the way.I also hope those who read this understand that you too can be better than you ever were,in spite of the intentional hurt and abuse that the cheaters and liars in life throw at you.There is a better day coming for us all.

 

Go make this a part of your life to be proud of,I am!!!

 

REVITUP

[Gunny376]

She left that PRIVILEGE way,way behind.

 

And least we forget? She also as a consequence of her choices and actions? Also forfieted her bitchin', moanin', and complain' rights about you your life, what goes on in your life, with your life, your choices, your decisions, etc ~ as well as those of the DD14! Ain't life just a pain!

 

"Life is HARD!

Its even HARDER if your STUPID!" ~ Sgt. Stricker (aka John Wayne in "Sands Of Iwo Jima!")