Wife left- Third Time 18 Years I'm OK

[New User]

I haven't been able to read this entire thread, but since it sounds like the ex is a sleazy low life (sorry!) and has your DD's social security card, I would strongly suggest doing a credit check, etc. on your daughter to be sure that your ex hasn't used your dd's name and ss# to sign up to credit cards, loans, etc. and anything else that you can think of.

 

 

Good point. I've seen this done to children before.

[vla1120]

This (for those like Downtown and myself) is expected behavior from a Narcissistic BPDr folks.It seems whacked to anyone else.

 

I'm seeing patterns here that remind my of my STBX. I think I need to do some research on narciccism. He know just what to say to me (and my daughters, who relay his jaw-dropping revelations to me) to invoke sympathy.

 

Sometimes when I don't know how to react to him, I come out here and read your experience. My situation is a cake walk compared to what you've been through! I'm still learning about the FOG and all that stuff, but I'm learning.

[revitup]

Downtown,Yup I would love to deliver the sofa-Just send your checking info to my STBXWW's Kenyan banking acct with your routing number (only as a safety precaution of course in order to protect you) and I will be there next week.

 

Vla,Glad I could be of assistance-It is really like a great experiment or live action reality study of the human mind to me at this point.I learn from it and it's always been a fascination of mine to know what makes people do what they do in life.I wonder what makes one person react one way and another one react a totally 180 from it?

 

Bentlychic,Yes I have ran checks on myself (found an interesting mortgage and auto loan that appears to be mine-I owe nobody though) as far as DD15-I hadn't thought about the STBXWW using her info-I sent it there to be helpful in getting DD15 into school last year,I wish I hadn't but it would have hurt DD15 if she was held up in registering after the STBXWW abruptly went wayward.

 

Also,yesterday when we went to the HS to get the school signature on the drivers education for m for a permit,the vice principal looked at DD15's grades and said "I wish I had been able to get the grades you have as a 9th grader young lady"! When we told him DD15 had been yanked out of school here and drug to SC then back to here all in the same year-he almost fell out.

 

It feels good to be able to say I am a single dad.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Bentlychic,I also found the ss# of STBXWW's grandson (4 yrs old) in a notebook! Now I wonder why STBXWW would have that?

 

You have me thinking now,in a good way-thanks.

 

REVITUP

[new_jack_E]

I've been through what you are going through. "Sweetness" gave me so many good memories. I think my favorite was when she'd been living in the motel six for a month after several treatment centers which were unsuccessful (I wouldn't let her back in the house). She called one day because the convertible I'd bought her had a dead battery because the DLD device from her DUI was discharging the battery, and it was raining cats and dogs and her car filled up with water (literally) cuz she couldn't get the power top up. When I got there, she was passed out on the sidewalk by a busy highway, 5' from traffic. I took her the psyche ward (again) and she had a purse full of condoms, that she said she "found" in her room. They kept her 10 days that time before sending her to Arizona halfway house for 9 months. BTW, that didn't work either.

 

Was married 25 years to a full-on BPD who eventually abandoned me and our three kids. Almost ran us broke too.

 

This (The List) helped me ALOT THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum. Looks like you've got most of it nailed, except the "going radio silent" part.

 

The other thing I will mention, is just when you think its almost over and the end is in sight, that's the time to watch your ass the most!!

[revitup]

New_Jack,

 

Yup I know how you feel and what you have lived.Twenty Five years,that's a long time,I salute you.You must be a "I can do anything" man like myself.I just didn't want to quit the "mission" I guess.

 

I will say that tomorrow will be 365 days since STBXWW left-very important in North Carolina divorce law .That day she left me with my DD14 in tow,she took the best cookware-Pampered Chef and dishes-Princess House.She also took every dollar in every account as well as anything else she could grab-I was doing research at the archives in Raliegh-1.5 hrs away.I came home to find I was abandoned.

 

STBXWW took everything and left me with.........

 

(1) SpongeBob Square Pants plastic McD's plate and....

(1) Fork which had fallen on the floor

 

Now that I have my daughter back here with me, I will say....

 

This was the BEST deal I have ever closed in my life!

 

Thanks for being here

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

365 days today.... since the STBXWW went wayward.

 

I love my Spongebob plate !

 

I would not trade my life today, for anything she could offer in the future!

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

Happy Anniversary of the start of a much brighter life I didn't realize our timelines were similar, I'm also approaching the day when the bomb was dropped and the separation began. What a journey this past year has been! So many lows, but we're on the upswing!

[revitup]

DD15 and myself had a great getaway this weekend, although it rained here all day Saturday,it was beautiful on Sunday and we even had fun on Saturday in the rain!

 

I wanted to "quote" from another post-it was so well written that I just wanted to move it here for anyone who may not have seen it.It's the woman's perspective when faced with a wayward man.I see this woman's thoughts as very helpful sometimes.

 

Originally Posted by beenkilled

Look, everyone of us have been in your shoes (in some form or another). We all know how hard it is to deal with a spouse who checks out of your marriage suddenly. It sucks! I mean it royally sucks!

 

I remember being afraid to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, act the wrong way. I was terrified of pushing him further out the door, or ruining any chance of fixing it. BUT...BUT! I got to a point (and you may be getting there) where I just couldn't lay there like the doormat I was any longer.

I remember my brother (bless him ) say: Who the hell are you? My sister would tell him to go (you know) and then go do something fun! It was a moment I'll never forget because it was like the "blackness" cleared. He was right! I would never allow myself to be cheated on and lied to. I was perfectly happy before I met him and I knew I could be perfectly happy without him.

I stood up, and I walked away. I went canoeing, I went to the beach, I went out for drinks, hell I even had a bunch of cookouts on the weekends at our house. (he avoided the house like the plague) I didn't care if he was here or not! I took a vacation with some girlfriends, I took some night classes at the local college (computer crap) I came here and read others stories. I did the 180, the complete 180. I told him he could have a cheating whore (she was married too)good luck with it sucka! and I found me again. I found the girl I used to be. (it wasn't easy, and I cried alone every night)

I filed for divorce about a month after he said he wanted one. I gave him the attitude of "you don't have to tell me twice!!". He was living here, fence sitting, so I moved it along. You want out? Go! Find the greener grass stupid! ( a married ho half your age??? whatever) anyway...I wanted in my heart to save my marriage, but I just couldn't let him walk all over me like that, I just couldn't stay with a man who was such a coward. I knew I would be ok, that I would be happy again. I went out on a "date"...it was really just a guy friend who knew it wasn't a date, just dinner. WHOA!! My H came unglued! He was so angry! why? you want out remember? You don't call the shots here anymore, you gave that up remember? You got your little girl....go on with her, and leave me alone!

 

That was 2 years ago. We have a much stronger marriage now.

The 180 isn't a trick, or a game, or a technique. The reason it works is because you get yourself back, you get your MAN CARD back. You are no longer being a pansy that she can "toy" with. You become "Valuable" again. In the process of the 180, you may just find that you don't want her back. I mean let's face it.....

1. You were perfectly happy before you met her, you can be perfectly happy without her. That's a fact.

2. Would the man you were back then ever put up with this BS from a woman? NO!

3. She is in no way the ONLY woman on the planet earth that you can have a happy life with. I'd let her know it too!

 

Don't be afraid to let her go. Don't be afraid to push her too far.

You do what you want. I hope that learning about others experiences will help you move forward. And I sincerely hope that you get what you want. whatever it may be.

 

We were all afraid to do the 180 at some point (because every situation is different) I hope you see that it's not about her, it's about you and how she perceives you.

I think we all can learn from this post....not just OP.

 

Wow-I wish I had been invited to beenkilled' BBQ's.......she would be fun to just watch !!!!

 

I have to say-Beenkilled is spot on here,this is powerful stuff.And it helped to save (this is rare though) her marriage!

 

Beenkilled you have the nads many men need to have!

 

Cool stuff

 

And I bet you wanted to write something else when you wrote pansy?

 

REVITUP

Edited August 20, 2013 by revitup
Highlights

[hayewils]

DD15 and myself had a great getaway this weekend, although it rained here all day Saturday,it was beautiful on Sunday and we even had fun on Saturday in the rain!

 

I wanted to "quote" from another post-it was so well written that I just wanted to move it here for anyone who may not have seen it.It's the woman's perspective when faced with a wayward man.I see this woman's thoughts as very helpful sometimes.

 

Originally Posted by beenkilled

Look, everyone of us have been in your shoes (in some form or another). We all know how hard it is to deal with a spouse who checks out of your marriage suddenly. It sucks! I mean it royally sucks!

 

I remember being afraid to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, act the wrong way. I was terrified of pushing him further out the door, or ruining any chance of fixing it. BUT...BUT! I got to a point (and you may be getting there) where I just couldn't lay there like the doormat I was any longer.

I remember my brother (bless him ) say: Who the hell are you? My sister would tell him to go (you know) and then go do something fun! It was a moment I'll never forget because it was like the "blackness" cleared. He was right! I would never allow myself to be cheated on and lied to. I was perfectly happy before I met him and I knew I could be perfectly happy without him.

I stood up, and I walked away. I went canoeing, I went to the beach, I went out for drinks, hell I even had a bunch of cookouts on the weekends at our house. (he avoided the house like the plague) I didn't care if he was here or not! I took a vacation with some girlfriends, I took some night classes at the local college (computer crap) I came here and read others stories. I did the 180, the complete 180. I told him he could have a cheating whore (she was married too)good luck with it sucka! and I found me again. I found the girl I used to be. (it wasn't easy, and I cried alone every night)

I filed for divorce about a month after he said he wanted one. I gave him the attitude of "you don't have to tell me twice!!". He was living here, fence sitting, so I moved it along. You want out? Go! Find the greener grass stupid! ( a married ho half your age??? whatever) anyway...I wanted in my heart to save my marriage, but I just couldn't let him walk all over me like that, I just couldn't stay with a man who was such a coward. I knew I would be ok, that I would be happy again. I went out on a "date"...it was really just a guy friend who knew it wasn't a date, just dinner. WHOA!! My H came unglued! He was so angry! why? you want out remember? You don't call the shots here anymore, you gave that up remember? You got your little girl....go on with her, and leave me alone!

 

That was 2 years ago. We have a much stronger marriage now.

The 180 isn't a trick, or a game, or a technique. The reason it works is because you get yourself back, you get your MAN CARD back. You are no longer being a pansy that she can "toy" with. You become "Valuable" again. In the process of the 180, you may just find that you don't want her back. I mean let's face it.....

1. You were perfectly happy before you met her, you can be perfectly happy without her. That's a fact.

2. Would the man you were back then ever put up with this BS from a woman? NO!

3. She is in no way the ONLY woman on the planet earth that you can have a happy life with. I'd let her know it too!

 

Don't be afraid to let her go. Don't be afraid to push her too far.

You do what you want. I hope that learning about others experiences will help you move forward. And I sincerely hope that you get what you want. whatever it may be.

 

We were all afraid to do the 180 at some point (because every situation is different) I hope you see that it's not about her, it's about you and how she perceives you.

I think we all can learn from this post....not just OP.

 

Wow-I wish I had been invited to beenkilled' BBQ's.......she would be fun to just watch !!!!

 

I have to say-Beenkilled is spot on here,this is powerful stuff.And it helped to save (this is rare though) her marriage!

 

Beenkilled you have the nads many men need to have!

 

Cool stuff

 

And I bet you wanted to write something else when you wrote pansy?

 

REVITUP

Definatly a great post..

Both by Beenkilled and Revitup!

Ive been holdin to my own 180 and i have found myself becoming a stronger version of the old me before i met my stbx. Ive also found myself becoming a harder skinned individual. Not sure if its age or just because what ive been through. If my ex and i were to talk today, she would see a different person. One that is more direct and decisive in his decisions. As she would probably be as well. Were now different people.

[WreckedDan]

#1 Rev you are a champ!

#2 Frame that plate, take a pic, make it your Avatar!

#3 that post is awesome and I remember seeing it as well, the part about being happy before her and.being happy again later really resonated for me.

#4 Glad as can be that you are on track and kickin ass bro!

 

Dan

 

P.S. goes for you too Hay!

[revitup]

Haye....said,

 

Ive been holdin to my own 180 and i have found myself becoming a stronger version of the old me before i met my stbx. Ive also found myself becoming a harder skinned individual. Not sure if its age or just because what ive been through. If my ex and i were to talk today, she would see a different person. One that is more direct and decisive in his decisions.

 

Exactly right,the new people lurking here should grab onto this fact and ride it like a wave to shore.In the beginning,it seems as though we will never get over our X's and what we have become,this isn't true at all.We mostly get stronger with each passing day.

 

There were good days and bad days in this past year,I would say the bad days were the most important in my transition to good health and sanity.No pain no gain.

 

It's when we become DISGUSTED that we decide to do something about it.Sometimes we need to be pushed before we learn to swim.STBXWW's who push us, really do us a great favor by doing it! I know I needed that in order to actually get back to the real me.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

DD15 and I have had a busy week.We had her open house at school-this was exciting.We spoke with her teachers-all honors classes,in spite of the STBXWW drama and three different HS's in a year due to that drama.

 

DD15 and I had back to back therapy sessions this week.Our therapist is really impressed with the progress and the boundaries we have set and keep.She says that DD15's job is to push those boundaries and Rev's is to make sure she doesn't get away with breaking the boundaries!:)Rev is doing good in that department.

 

Therapist had asked me to try not to think about STBXWW at the last session,well I asked her this week,how I was to not think about (for 30 days) a woman that I was with for 18 yrs? I asked her how you don't think about STBXWW when your assignment is to - not think about her? Therapist said we would change the assignment.She said I was right in saying I couldn't "not think about what you tell me to focus on - not thinking about"!

 

Anyway a lot of stuff is coming out in me now that has been hidden for a long time.I actually told the therapist that I am happy to do anything now with DD15-that I resented and intentionally refused to do with the STBXWW in the end of the M! I did not want to do some of STBXWW's requests because it was my way of taking back my rights and my power somehow.I thought that was bad but therapist said I am now growing faster than she expected.I guess we all have to have our own thing once in while,it wasn't an all of the time deal.It did feel good though.

 

DD15 and I are supposed to be thinking about the good things about the STBXWW now-we have all along though.I really do not bash STBXWW and DD15 tries not to as well.Therapist asked "what is going to happen when you see or visit places that brings up memories - good ones about STBXWW.We both (in separate sessions) said "that happens all the time".We are still on the same farm,visit the same beach and go to the same places.We laugh about the good times and also the good qualities about the STBXWW.We also make light of her bad behavior,but it helps to make it fun instead of being angry.

 

Therapist said "What is Rev going to do when DD15 wants to be closer to her mom?" What will Rev say? Rev told the therapist that I am ready when DD15 is and it will not bother me.I also said that it will not be soon.It also will not be unsupervised.

 

Therapist left it with....you two are just being "normal" now.

 

Other than that,we are doing back to school stuff and reading her 400 page English Honors summer reading book....at the last minute!

 

No contact with or texts from STBXWW since we asked for the birth cert and SS Card.

 

REVITUP

[Downtown]

Therapist left it with....you two are just being "normal" now.

Welcome to the new normal, Jake. You two deserve some normalcy for a change.

No contact with or texts from STBXWW since we asked for the birth cert and SS Card.

With STBXWW, no news seems to be as close as you can get to good news. Thanks for the update, Jake.

[trippi1432]

I keep coming back here to read because I was the one labeled BPD to be honest. It was probably that pink Victoria's Secret bag after my shopping spree that I plunked down at my my psychiatrist visit that labeled me that..I was both promiscuous and irresponsible with money in his opinion. Wait...No, that is precisely what he told me.

[Mystery2Me]

Congratulations!!!!!!

[revitup]

I keep coming back here to read because I was the one labeled BPD to be honest. It was probably that pink Victoria's Secret bag after my shopping spree that I plunked down at my my psychiatrist visit that labeled me that..I was both promiscuous and irresponsible with money in his opinion. Wait...No, that is precisely what he told me.

 

 

That's ok...I am evidently Bi-Polar - According to the woman selling her wares on Craigslist and having sex beside of dumpsters behind bars!

 

REVITUP

[Oberfeldwebel]

No contact with or texts from STBXWW since we asked for the birth cert and SS Card.

 

REVITUP

 

You know you can get a replacement Birth Certificate from the state and then apply for a replacement SS Card and you don't need her help. Great to see that you and D15 are doing so well. Being an old farm boy myself, I knew you would survive. However, life can be hard enough for a 15 year old under normal circumstances, let alone the situation she has found herself in the past year. You both are to be congratulated for your success.

[revitup]

I keep coming back here to read because I was the one labeled BPD to be honest. It was probably that pink Victoria's Secret bag after my shopping spree that I plunked down at my my psychiatrist visit that labeled me that..I was both promiscuous and irresponsible with money in his opinion. Wait...No, that is precisely what he told me.

 

Need more info on contents of said bag and photographic evidence would be nice.

 

REVITUP

[trippi1432]

That's ok...I am evidently Bi-Polar - According to the woman selling her wares on Craigslist and having sex beside of dumpsters behind bars!

 

REVITUP

 

:lmao: Oh my goodness, she sounds like such an expert too. hahahaha!!

 

Need more info on contents of said bag and photographic evidence would be nice.

 

REVITUP

 

Ha Ha!! Was nice stuff too....I did allow my psychologist to ramble a bit while I sat there pretty much humored about his reasons. Still didn't change his mind when I told him I was so bad with money that I overpaid my account by $100 so it was a fun shopping spree to bring my balance down to $0.

 

Even used a coupon to get a really nice pink bag too.....lesson learned, never go to see a psychiatrist with a big Pink Victoria's Secret bag in tow. Oh wait...almost forgot, I fired him too. :lmao:

[Mystery2Me]

Hoping you and DD are enjoying the beach on this lovely Saturday. A wonderful father and man you are, and many thanks for inspiring all of us on LS.

 

Letting it all go is so hard, but even more so when dealing with a WW-spouse and the actually good times you did enjoy.

 

Rough and startling it is for a sane/normal person to realize, that one could spend time being vunerable to a true psychopath. Wow....this was a hard pill for me to swallow.

 

Thus the recovery is pain stakingly uphill, I am the first to admit trust is a foriegn concept but I pray we become friends in time.

 

Continue to make peace with the broken pieces as best you can knowing it will take time.

 

~Cheers to you and DD-Mystery

[revitup]

Mystery,we had to do the last minute school supply list thing today-so no beach.Although the weather offshore was perfect and my buddy called last night to see if I would make the 75 mile trip to the break (Continental Shelf) .

 

It felt good to tell him that I had school shopping and family stuff to do today!I really NEVER miss a Gulf Stream Trip EVER! Especially when they foot the bill!

 

Yes it's difficult to think about the behavior of the sociopath and how they do these things to us.It really does not make any sense at all.We actually become really great people to please them and they run away with skanks and riff-raff!

 

I like saying riff-raff so thanks for allowing me to use the word riff-raff.

 

I am proud of you M2M you helped me see the other (female) side of this mess.Sometimes as a man,I thought I was just thinking the way I did-because I was a man.That made me wonder if my thoughts were accurate.Seeing the ladies side of being hurt (actually same side just different gender) made me realize I was not the crazy one.

 

At therapy this week we talked about what I feel was the biggest hurt in my R....Not being validated.Ever! It seems that getting advice from those here who "validated" my opinions and thoughts actually helped me to move forward-faster.

 

Thank you all for that.

I know now that....

 

None of us NEEDED our Spouse

None of us NEEDED validation from someone else

None of us NEEDED a Relationship

 

We WANTED it!

 

I no longer want anything that I don't need.

 

Hope that made sense.

 

REVITUP

[Mystery2Me]

You are most welcome Rev! You done told the t-r-u-t-h: "I no longer want anything that I don't need."

 

That quote captures the essence of the WW spouse abandonment-divorce journey to peace, and it takes some real chutzpah to walk this road. Because the climb to regain ourselves is so uphill (due to co-dependency), we are so overwhelmed with the pain the magnitude of our strenght is often hard to acknowledge.

 

You ROCK!!!!!! Stay encourgaged my friend! :-)

 

~Cheers-Mystery

[trippi1432]

None of us NEEDED our Spouse

None of us NEEDED validation from someone else

None of us NEEDED a Relationship

 

We WANTED it!

 

I no longer want anything that I don't need.

 

Hope that made sense.

 

REVITUP

 

Makes perfect sense to me.

[revitup]

You are most welcome Rev! You done told the t-r-u-t-h: "I no longer want anything that I don't need."

 

That quote captures the essence of the WW spouse abandonment-divorce journey to peace, and it takes some real chutzpah to walk this road. Because the climb to regain ourselves is so uphill (due to co-dependency), we are so overwhelmed with the pain the magnitude of our strenght is often hard to acknowledge.

 

You ROCK!!!!!! Stay encourgaged my friend! :-)

 

~Cheers-Mystery

 

M2M- I hated seeing my "co-dependency" issues in this.I accept my part today.Actually in a twisted sort of way-I may have caused her to be worse by allowing her child like actions to go unpunished for so long.

 

Strange that our good traits turn into their reason to try and destroy those good traits.

 

I still believe there are women and men who admire these qualities though.I also believe they won't see it as an opportunity to crush us.There is one thing that will be different.Trust will be an issue that I took for granted before,I can't see me blindly trusting anyone without a little "verification" first.

 

Some parts of my own story are hard to believe now-and I was there and have it in writing!

 

Anyway it's great to be among those here who have helped me so much along the way,I think "as I said in Sept 2012" I will always be available to help others with whatever little bit of insight I have acquired.

 

 

REVITUP