unluckylady Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I met him through work, we are attorneys on associated cases. He lives about an hour/45 miles away, in another county. When we met, it was instant bolt-of-lightening-like chemistry. We would meet for lunch, breakfast after hearings, dinner after depositions, etc. After the second psuedo-date, each time, he would kiss me. He came over to my apartment, and we were intimate. We spoke on the phone on a daily basis, he dropped by my office to "see what it's like to be me," asked many curiosity-type questions (you know, the kind a guy asks about you when you're in the getting-to-know-you-on-the-way-to-being-my-girlfriend kinda questions and talk), called when he said he would, showed up on time, allathat. I asked him the very first time we "went out" whether there was a woman in his life (he doesn't wear a ring), and he said no. When I asked if he had children, he said yes, but when I inquired further, he said he didn't want to talk about it - that it was personal, and if we got to know each other better, he'd clue me in. Based on this, I thought I was dealing with a guy with children from a previously relationship who didn't want to let me in on that part of his life until I was really apart of his. Make sense? After about 6 weeks, I realized, "Hmm, I never hear/see this guy on the weekends..." At first I dismissed my concern, thinking that he was probably with the kids on the weekends, and that wasn't something I wanted to intrude upon, so I didn't question it. But then my mother made a comment to me - "Hun, are you sure he isn't married??" So, in an awkward conversation, I asked him "How's your wife?" He was stunned, quiet, like a deer caught in the headlights. When I pushed, it came out - he's married (12 years) with 3 children, one of which is a baby-baby. I was stunned. Shocked. Disappointed like you would not believe (or maybe you would, I've read y'alls posts). I was actually a little bit devastated. I had all these romantic ideas about him, so excited about this budding relationship. I hadn't liked a guy that much in AGES. I yelled and questioned him and he answered all my questions, and by the end of the conversation, I was just...still. Then I cried for an hour, and then ... decided I didn't care that he was married. A week later, after having a conversation to make the status of "us" "crystal clear," we went for it, and we haven't looked back since. What the hell am I doing? Since I found out, we have continued to enageg in "sexual relations" - it happens either at my apartment or at his office, or other random places. It appears that he intends to have me be a "girlfriend on the side" or something like that, as he tells me that he never wants to be in a position where he doesn't see his kids everyday. He says things are not good with his wife, that he married way too young before he knew what he was getting into. Before I knew he was married, in the very, very beginning, he made comments about not knowing what love was...which makes me wonder if he has any feelings at all for this woman... Or, on the other hand, has any feelings AT ALL. We have had many conversations about women v. men, how women change after marriage, how men's needs are all the same and easy to meet, etc. It makes me think that his wife just isn't meeting her end of the bargain, which makes me very angry at her in this weird way, because part of me thinks he deserves everything a good wife would give him... Like, if he had married the right woman, or waited until he knew what he really wanted before getting married, he would truly be happy right now and not going outside his marriage to have his needs met. But then, thing is, I came across a picture of his wife with the children, and I almost lost my stomach right then and there because all of a sudden it became a reality that this superficially perfect world (HER world) wasn't real, and she had no idea....and that someday, I could be in her shoes, thinking I have a perfect life, and yet not really. A friend of a friend actually knows him, knows his wife, knows about their "bad" relationship, etc., which makes me feel like I "know" her as well... plus it doesn't help that her and I actually share the same first name!!! What the hell do I do? I feel this amazing connection and chemistry with him, and we have amazing sex... He makes me feel like I am the greatest thing ever - always full of compliments. But after having many convos with married men that are friends of mine who admit to either having an affair and telling me why or saying "I have a friend who...", I am starting to feel like a used piece of crap, and frankly, I don't even know what I want from this guy, but I do know that I am having a good time right now, but worried at the same time because I am starting to have some feelings for him... Can anyone relate? Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Lawyers in love. Lawyers in love. My heart weeps. You're a lawyer, so you understand fraudulent inducement:Based on his material misrepresentation that he was single you entered into a relationship with this MM. And it will eventually be to your detriment, trust me, it will. The guy lied to get you into bed, and once you became emotionally involved and grilled him he finally confessed about the wife. The games men play. Ya gotta love it. Now, your brain is awash in all these lust neurochemicals like serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin and vassopressin. The sex is fantastic--the best you've ever experienced. Am I right? But already there are these niggling little doubts about him, his honesty, integrity, his reason for the relationship. You're a slab of beef on the side. He'll dine on you at his pleasure all the while lie and tell you he's starving at home. At some point, after you've squandered years of you life as his OW, you'll awaken from your trance and ask yourself one question: What the fuc# was I thinking that I wasted the best years of my life with that loser? By then, he'll probably be on to somebody else. Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unluckylady Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 Ok, then, Sinner... What kind of game can I play right back - to beat him? He admitted that he's cheated on her before, with another woman, in a similar "relationship-like affair," not just a one-night-stand kinda thing. Part of me thinks she should know....if she doesn't already. God he's an a**h***. But...he's an a**h*** that I want to rip the clothes off of... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 What can I say? Sounds like you've already decided that you are going to stop and good for you! Finding out your boyfriend is married is like finding out that he is cheating on you, but MUCH MUCH worse. Because the "other woman" lives with him, has sex with him, bears his children, hears all his whispered secrets and probably knows his deepest desires. So why do so many OW choose to stay with a MM after they find out that he is basically cheating on her? I say you should stop taking his phone calls. Don't bother telling the wife, you'll just get in deeper into his life and his manipulation. Cut all contact (except for strictly work of course) And put yourself out there to find an available man! Trust me, you'll find someone just as wonderful. Actually, he'll be more wonderful because you will be the center of his universe instead of his "piece of ass on the side." Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Oh, and don't try to beat him. The best revenge is to move on with your life and be happy! Rub that in his cheating face! Link to post Share on other sites
Author unluckylady Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 My happiness is already making him miserable. I am happy with or without him right now, and I think he is trying to "hook" me. I think he is actually envious of my free-spirit, my independence, my ability to do whatever I want and not have the responsibilities he does... Sooo....I'm already able to rub that in his face. And I'm trying, I'm really trying...it's just very hard, b/c I really like him. (I know, I'm sick!!) Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 (I know, I'm sick!!) At least you know it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author unluckylady Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 I do, I so do. It's a no-win situation. The only good thing is that I didn't get into it intentionally - I was tricked. I am just trying to "trick" my way out of it without anyone else getting hurt... Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 He admitted that he's cheated on her before, with another woman, in a similar "relationship-like affair," not just a one-night-stand kinda thing. So your MM is an habitual offender. No surprise, there. He likes the taste. Right now, it sounds like your chemically dependent on him and the highs your affair generates. It's very addictive--the sex in semi-public places, the risk of discovery, the thrill of an outlaw relationship. What you don't want to do is fall in love and stick with your MM for the long haul. He'll fu#k you until he uses you up and then he will trade up for someone newer. fresher, more stimulating. You'll become last week's loaf of bread. I'm afraid you're just one in a long line. Take a number. What's a girl to do? I recommend ending all contact and keeping far away from this lying Casanova. He's not the only good fu#k in LA--you'll find more guilt-free fun elsewhere. As for whether to tell his wife, that's your call. I usually don't recommend that the OW tattle but this guy lied to you, and played with your heart and head. You have just cause to tell the spouse. I doubt, however, that the wife will do anything-- young children and financial dependence and all. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Take it from another OW. Leave him. The longer you stay the harder it is and the more hurt you will feel once it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Traci1971 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Hi, I had this happen to me too, u were decived, & didn't find out until u were hooked. That is unfortunate, & when u did, he set forth the boundaries knowing u would agree just to be able to be with him. Now, that is your choice whether u put up with it or not, & for how long..... My MM told me from the beginning (I knew he was married) that marriage was bad (I have a post regarding this 1 lol) & he was leaving & made mind up he wants to marry me.......if he's deceiving me, it won't be for long....& I made that clear to him! But how long can u go on being told there is no chance 4 a future together? Will u be satisfied with 1/2 or 1/4 of a partner? That's up to u....I still think it sucks that he didn't come clean about it....he's a coward.......Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Traci1971 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 1 more thing.....if all u want him for is physical "contact" (ahem!) it doesn't matter, but when u mentioned having feelings 4 him...that could be an uh-ohafter awhile........if u told his wife, he'd lie his way out of that & then he'd be mad at u, so no more sex probably....from him anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Author unluckylady Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 Traci - It's like this. For NOW, I want him for the (ahem!) physical contact. I do "like" him, in that oh-wow-he's-so-sexy-and-funny kinda way, but I have so many ill feelings for him born from his deceitful actions that I don't know that I'd ever really have "true" feelings for him. I guess it's like I'm starting to mentally pick him apart. Make sense? I know that I should get out now, but I feel like I can wait until another guy comes along... See, for right now, he's more of a convenience for me. I'm so incredibly busy with my career and friends and so many other things that I don't have the desire or time for a real relationship (nor do I want the drama right now that is associated with a "real" relationship, the EFFORT, I guess...). So, when I'm starting to get...uh...in the mood/wanting a hot man, it's like poof! there he is, like he read my mind, and then he goes away and we talk almost daily but nothing serious, and then time passes, and then that need pops up again, and poof! again, there he is. He lives about 45 miles away, so the distance adds to the ability for us to keep our distance from each other, which I think is helping me not get attached because I can't really see him all that often...but when we really want to see each other, we can. It's my hope that once our work-related connection ends, so will this fiasco. Until then, though, I have to see him - literally. So, more advice? Anyone? And please, not the mean kind, this is hard enough as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Be careful. I think you are going to get hurt! The only advice I have is that you should break up with him... But I know you don't want to. Be suspicious of anything he says and guard your heart, because he is not honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unluckylady Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 Well, would I really be "breaking up" with him? I mean, we don't have a real "relationship" to dissolve... If I disappeared, I don't think he'd get it... Link to post Share on other sites
Same situation Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Dear fellow lawyer: How did we both make it through law school, with all of our analytical reasoning abilities to get caught up in such poppycock (pardon the pun)? Don't go for the headfake. Stop reasoning yourself into a bad and hopeless situtaion. You can find a SG to service you with no strings attached. I, too, was lied to and actually found the evidence. He is from LA working on the eastcoast for 8 months lving out of a hotel and able to hide many things. But I found the info anyway and confronted him. The break up has been terrible. I fell in love with him and he is not going away despite my half protestations. He kept phoning and I talked to him and it became more and more painful. I even slipped up and slept with him again. He asked me to do something which blew my mind. I agreed but thought better of it a few days later. I ended it, but he kept calling. I resisted for the mosst part, but I admit I had no willpower. Then I got angry because of his illegal invasion into my life. I started gaining power and I set him up quite frankly. He was scheduled for a two week return back home. I perfectly timed four express mail packages with evidence of his affair (no ownership on my part, did not enter into this with full knowledge). During his flight the package arrived at his home. I told everything. I am dealing with upsetting the family and the wife, but I did what I had to do. I went on absolute NC with him two days before he left. He was blowing my cell and home phone up. He called me from the plane...I know it. I had six calls within a twenty minute period. This wasn't ending. Now he is there and dealing with the reprecussions of me outting him. I pulled the covers all the way back and there is no turning back from here. Will he contact me again? Probably. Do I miss him and crave him? Absolutely. Was he any good for me? Absolutely not. Am I going through withdrawal? If you only knew.....you'd put me in rehab. SINNER is absolutely right. Cut him off like water...no drips. Tell on him. He deserves it b/c he lied lied lied. you are a lawyer, why did you let him punk you like that (not answer your question)? I tripped up because I didn't ask. I met him through mutual friends who work closely with him and I thought that if he wasn't single....the married couple would not be setting me up with him. Boy was I wrong. But everybody is paying now because I named names and pointed fingers at everyone that saw what was going on and said nothing. I have been throught the shock and anger phase, now I am grieving and I hate to admit that. I want this all not to be true and it is easy to try and make someone into soemthin that you want them to be...to go back before you found out...to keep your dream alive. It's gone and you need to settle this case.Don't take it to trial, you are going to lose. Go find a piece that you can call at 3 a.m. and put to work. you can't do that with MM. He can't offer you anything but sloppy seconds....yuck! I am there with you but we can forge through. In fact, I am offering a challenge...I bet you that I can find a new squeeze before you. And my time is more limited than yours because I also teach and I am finishing my PHD dissertation in addition to being a single parent and traveling for my job. Let me know if you are on. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Same situation, please register. I know your plate is full right now but I'd love to read your posts on at least a semi-regular basis. That was great counsel, counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Well, would I really be "breaking up" with him? I mean, we don't have a real "relationship" to dissolve... If I disappeared, I don't think he'd get it... As, long as YOU get it, who cares if HE gets it... Link to post Share on other sites
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