MerryMary Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 OK, so, it looks like loads of us have had some very traumatic experiences in childhood, and I'm definitely on that boat with you. Because of that, I'm left haunted by these vital questions that my parents will never answer for me: So what makes a good father? What makes a good mother? What are the defining characteristics of a good parent / child relationship? I'm dead scared of getting married, and this is one of the reasons. I wouldn't even know HOW to be a good mom or HOW to have a good relationship with my kids, and my relationship with my parents is really discouraging in forming new family bonds. I know life is very complicated; long, messy answers very much expected here. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 My best advice for you is to do a lot of reading about psychology. Why? Because it defines everything we do. I read psychology books for fun, and it has opened my eyes to everything. It's taught me how to be the kind of person my daughter (22) wants to be around, how not to push her away, how to raise her with logic so I can trust her to make her own good decisions...so far, so good. She's the only kid out of about 20 who is still in a 4-year school and still on track to graduate next spring (i.e., didn't go crazy when she went away). She's still a virgin (for her own reasons, being that she's picky and wants it to count) and VERY picky about boys she dates, she considers me her best friend, tells me everything. Because I've never judged her, always been available to listen, and always trusted her to be smart. So she has. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 What makes a good father is someone who is willing to put his wife and children's needs ahead of his own. Someone who is willing to spend the time needed to build and foster a healthy relationship with wife and children. Someone who is a good provider for his family. Someone who takes the time to teach values, etiquette, and other life skills to his child. Someone who is able to motivate and encourage the child to be successful and independent. Someone who is willing to show love and affection for his wife and children. Someone who is a good role model for his children. The same definition could appy to what makes a good mother, except I think it's a good idea for the mother to stay at home with the kids during their preschool years. The preschool years are so very important in the shaping of a child's personality, attitudes and psychological health, that I would want to be the primary caregiver during those very important years. I think I've described what makes for a good parent/child relationship in the paragraphs above. It sounds like you have had a poor relationship with your parents and would benefit from some psychological counseling to help instill a concept of what makes for a healthy relationship with a spouse and children, and to help you get over your fears about marriage and parenting. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 IDK, DD22 was in daycare from the age of 2, and she's the only one of about 20-25 friends who pretty much has it all together, all the rest are barefoot and pregnant, or had to join the army to avoid jail, or got kicked out of college, etc. She got a lot out of a good preschool and most certainly got a leg up academically to those who didn't attend one. So I wouldn't say that staying at home the first 5 years is a requirement. No offense, just another viewpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 IDK, DD22 was in daycare from the age of 2, and she's the only one of about 20-25 friends who pretty much has it all together, all the rest are barefoot and pregnant, or had to join the army to avoid jail, or got kicked out of college, etc. She got a lot out of a good preschool and most certainly got a leg up academically to those who didn't attend one. So I wouldn't say that staying at home the first 5 years is a requirement. No offense, just another viewpoint. A good daycare provider with a low number of children in the home can sometimes have better parenting skills than the parent themselves. It really depends on the daycare provider and the home situation as to which would be more beneficial for the child. Assuming the mother is psychologically healthy and a good parent, staying at home with the mother during the first five formative years is the ideal IMO. I would prefer to decide for myself how my child's day would be structured and what experiences he would have. I stayed home with my kids when they were preschoolers, and never regretted that decision. They are all very well adjusted, successful kids who are now adults. I provided them with opportunities to interact with other adults and other children during that time also, and had them enrolled in a preschool two afternoons a week when they were 3 and 4, so they had a lot of opportunities/experiences in addition to a mom who was there for them most of the time during their first five years. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 OK, so, it looks like loads of us have had some very traumatic experiences in childhood, and I'm definitely on that boat with you. Because of that, I'm left haunted by these vital questions that my parents will never answer for me: So what makes a good father? What makes a good mother? What are the defining characteristics of a good parent / child relationship? I'm dead scared of getting married, and this is one of the reasons. I wouldn't even know HOW to be a good mom or HOW to have a good relationship with my kids, and my relationship with my parents is really discouraging in forming new family bonds. I know life is very complicated; long, messy answers very much expected here. Not everyone who marries needs or has kids. And some of us are married for years before kids. Don't let this scare you from marriage. Anyways, I think key to being a good mother or father is knowing you will need to always put your kids first...even before your SO. If you cannot do that...don't have kids. To me, also making a good parent is making sure I am financially and emotionally stable before bringing lives into the world. There are so many people having kids so young and not realizing it's such a big decision and lifelong commitment...even more so than marriage itself. If I can barely support myself, it would be unfair to the child if I wasn't prepared to give them a good quality life. Also you need to be prepared to put your child's interests before your own wants and desires. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 We were married for 10 years before we had our daughter. Best decision ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Actually I credit my traumatic past for making me a better mother. I'm very tuned into my children's needs and protective of them but not overly so. We communicate openly and I let them know how much they mean to me every single day. I have great relationships with each of them and they love me dearly. I did these things as an instinct. And I do think it's because I was neglected when I was little. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 We were married for 10 years before we had our daughter. Best decision ever. We'll probably be married about that before having kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 OK, so, it looks like loads of us have had some very traumatic experiences in childhood, and I'm definitely on that boat with you. Because of that, I'm left haunted by these vital questions that my parents will never answer for me: So what makes a good father? What makes a good mother? What are the defining characteristics of a good parent / child relationship? I'm dead scared of getting married, and this is one of the reasons. I wouldn't even know HOW to be a good mom or HOW to have a good relationship with my kids, and my relationship with my parents is really discouraging in forming new family bonds. I know life is very complicated; long, messy answers very much expected here. Bear in my mind that even the best parents have moments of not doing so well in that role. Everyone has different parenting styles so there would be many different answers about what makes a good mother or father. My childhood made me not want to have babies either. I was afraid of marriage because of what I saw growing up. My husband's love and patience challenges every dysfunctional belief I had about being husband and wife. I was blessed to find a childfree man as they are rare. Try to attend therapy if you have not already. I wish you peace and healing. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I think I'm a good parent, but sometimes I don't know- and lots of times I could do better. Nobody is perfect, and I think as long as you love your kids and are aware that perfection only exists on TV then you're partway there. Being aware of your flaws and those your own parents made helps too. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenGirl Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 It is important to make sure that children feel secure, loved and valued, and that all adults looking after them notice when they are behaving well. The trick to this is to find strategies that work well for you and your child. Here are some ideas: Be consistent Try to say the same thing each time. Be clear about the rules you want to stick to. If you don't stick to the rules and give in, then the next time you try to set limits, your child is likely to play up even more because they have learn that you will probably give in again. Give lots of praise Let your child know when they have done something well and when you are pleased with them. Be specific so that the child knows which behaviour you are wanting to encourage. For example, give them a hug/a kiss, tell them how great they are doing and point out the good behaviour. You need to do this straight away at the time when you see the behaviour you want to encourage. Planning ahead It helps if you and your child know the rules for particular situations before they happen. Don't make them up as you go along (e.g. if bedtime is 7.00 p.m., make sure you both stick to it). Involve your child Sit down with your child and talk to them about good behaviour. You might be surprised about how much you both agree on. Be calm This can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but it does help if you can be calm and clear with the words you use, for example “please switch off the TV” or “it's bedtime”. Be clear with your child For example “please put your toys away” tells your child exactly what you want them to do. Simply telling them to “be good” will not help them know what behaviour you are expecting. If your child can't understand you, they can't co-operate with you. So it is best to keep instructions brief and positive. Be realistic It's no good promising a wonderful reward or threatening to remove their favorite activity if you can’t keep to your word. It is much better to offer small rewards rather than punishments. For example “when you have tidied your room, you can have an ice cream”. Don't expect too much too soon. Change usually takes time. For this reason expect to progress in small steps. So if your child has started to or partly tidied their room, praise them for what they have done “well done for putting those toys in the box”. Parenting Link to post Share on other sites
earvintrenton Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Where in the Bible are examples of rebellious children of good parents? Given the criticism directed at a Christian mother with a pregnant unwed daughter, I'm trying to find examples in scripture of children who strayed from the advice of good parents. Did they come back? Was it the parents' fault? Isaac's son Jacob comes to mind and Jacob's first 10 sons as well. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Where in the Bible are examples of rebellious children of good parents? Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel, his brother. Their parents were Adam and Eve. Link to post Share on other sites
TreyPlaisance Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 True or False: Good parents will know better than the child with regards to finding a partner? Link to post Share on other sites
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