am i paranoid??

[stillnewatthis]

i really really need advice. ha. who doesn't, right?

 

I met my current boyfriend online. A friend of mine made me an OKCupid profile last year to "help me out." I'm year old African-American female. Divorced. It was an abusive relationship. I got married to the first guy I dated when I was 19. it lasted until 2007. I went back to school and ended up graduating with honors. I went to Japan on a study abroad and dated one guy i thought i was in love with, but he was very immature. maybe it was the cultural differences in expectations.

anyway, I have no other experience with dating. I have always been shy and introverted.

I met my current boyfriend on OKC. He said he was just looking for friends because he had a GF and was not interested in cheating. He had not lived here long and was looking for people to meet. Going back to school, and being divorced, I didn't have a lot of friends so I agreed to meet him. and we really hit it off the first time we met!

I remember that we went out for drinks and he had to excuse himself to check in with his GF.

he really became my best friend. i told him things about my past that I never felt comfortable telling anyone. it was cathartic because I hadn't met anyone in this city that understood me.

we hung out quiet often. maybe once or twice weekly.

and there was never any "tension" because I just saw him as my friend. and he never expressed any inappropriate interest.

we talked about everything including his then current relationship.

 

she broke up with him early summer this year. and I was stressed with trying to find a job after graduation, and stressed with my own failed attempts at dating. plus my ex like to periodically call and harass me. it was after one those weekends that I was in a very dark place. and my now BF asked if I needed to come over for a drink. and I got hammered. and I kissed him and things progressed.

 

at first everything seemed happy and wonderful. but then, i don't know.

my biggest issue is with one of his female friends.

when we were just friends he told me all about this woman (26). that she was pursuing him hard despite him having a GF. and even though he dated other people, she still expressed an interest in him. and he talked about her badly and thought she was a whore. but now it seems like they're buddy-buddy.

she had to rent out her apartment 2 weeks ago and he told me that she would be staying with him for a few days.

I took issue with that because....uh DUH.

and also it was during the week that he had chemo, and he said that when he came home he didn't want to see anyone and that I wouldn't see him until the following week. and when I asked why she would be staying there, he said that with the steriods he would be very irritable and wouldn't hate himself if he yelled at her but would feel awful if he snapped at me. hmmmmm.

 

and she is dating someone now. but I just don't like the fact that he tells me that he doesn't like her hitting on him, but I'm thinking that if he REALLY made it clear then why is she still doing it? and if it is such an issue why hasn't he introduced me?

 

I asked him if it was because I'm Black, that I haven't met anyone he knows? he's Caucasian and 5 years younger than me. We have been dating for about2 1/2 months. and I know it might be too soon, but I would think he would want to resolve this with me.

when I brought it up he was very offended. and said that he really cares for me, and how could i think something like that?

but i still haven't met her. and when I asked jokingly when I could meet her he got very quiet and paused and carefully said he hadn't picked out a date.

 

here's the thing. I think that I started out in her position a few months ago. he obviously does not have a problem with dating his friends. his previous girlfriend had started out as a friend as well. I mentioned this pattern to him and he was very defensive.

 

i feel like he has been pushing me away for some time now. and I realize that I have been distancing myself as well because I don't want to get hurt. he can't spend time with me because he needed to process the closure with his ex, or the summer heat was causing complications with his MS, or he was too stressed from trying to find a job, or now it's having to deal with chemo and finshing his master's. don't get me wrong he really does try to find time for me. it's just frustrating because i feel like he is avoiding me to hang out with his friends.

 

i feel like such a jerk, but I can't let this go. and he even told me at the beginning of our relationship that is something bothers me that he is doing to tell him. I did. and it has backfired big time. he doesn't understand why I am so insecure about "his friend"

 

so my question is should I just buck up and learn to trust him, or should we just part ways?

[veggirl]

Is his "friend" still staying with him?

 

I don't think you are being paranoid, as you said you started out in the same position as this girl. Your boyfriend not wanting to see you while he is going through something like chemo is bizarre to say the least. You would think he would welcome your support and comfort.

 

So have you met this friend yet? Are you guys public in your relationship, like on facebook and whatnot? Does his friend know about you?

[stillnewatthis]

I have not met her. And when i asked he just got hostile but didn't answer the question. He has met people I know, although briefly. I don't have a lot of friends. I now realize it's not a racial issue. Something else is going on.