Controlled break of NC after many months

[PixieD]

After going back to IC and working thru things, I came to realize that what I was having the hardest time accepting and dealing with was the unknowns. My A with my MM ended very abruptly. After 8 months of daily phone calls & emails we went to complete NC in 2 days, and it has now been 6 months. He had a major D day for reasons unrelated to our A and was going to immediately file for D. His W had no knowledge of our A and we felt that it would be best to keep it that way. I cared enough about him to not want to be used against him emotionally or financially that I bowed out and disappeared. Because we live in different states, and our worlds don’t really overlap much I have had no updates or info on what has gone on in his world since then.

 

During IC I was asked the same question someone here on LS asked. How would I feel, or what would I do if I knew his D was final? I’ve had time to think about that a lot. And the answer I came away with was I am afraid of what my reaction would be. I’ve thought about the different scenarios of: what if I found out he was free to do what he wanted but had moved on to someone else, or he came back and asked me to leave my H, or even just called me out of the blue? All of these scared me. So when I found out I was going to have to travel to my company’s offices in his home town, I decided that I needed to be in control of myself, my emotions and the when & where I found out.

 

Not wanting to put him in the same position I felt, it was only fair to let him know I was going to break NC. I sent the simple email: “I’m going to call your office on xyz day, at xyz time. If you don’t want to talk don’t answer” to his office email account. Then I called at the appointed time. We only talked for 4 or 5 minutes, and I now know his D will be final in a matter of weeks. He has decided he wants to overhaul his entire life, from his career, the state he lives in, and his love life. We said our permanent goodbyes, and hung up. As hard as it was to hear, I now have the closure I needed to move on.

 

I know that for most people on this forum, there is a strong belief that NC should always be just that. However, I have now come to understand that there may be times when it can constructive and productive to break it. I would say though, that it needs to be done in a controlled manner, handled in a neutral way where the other AP knows its coming, (and has the option to not participate) and that you show respect for each other. That means that it is not used to try to manipulate or lure the other person back,

 

It has been a long difficult road for me, but I now truly feel I am healing. I’ve joined 3 meet up groups and am spending my time doing things I enjoy rather than wasting time thinking about someone who isn’t going to come back. Knowing where I stand is allowing me to move forward.

[whichwayisup]

Are you going to divorce your husband? It seems though, if your exMM had said, yes, I'm divorcing and now we can be together so you need to divorce your husband, you would do it in a heartbeat.

 

So, that leaves me to ask.. Is it fair to stay in your marriage when you've had one foot out the door for so long? Is it fair to your husband to stay and pretend all is normal when it hasn't been for so long?

 

I am glad you got closure and that you're in counselling.