I realize I meant nothing to him, and I'm still not over him [long]

[Quixotic_Dancer]

I hurt right now, and I don't even know how to begin to explain this situation.

 

Anyway, there is nothing original or unique about this story, so I'll just give the bare bones (and the beginning is here, if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t30916/)

 

I met a guy. I was very attracted to him. We seemed to hit it off. He'd just been dumped by his girl friend. He said he couldn't consider dating anyone new for a long while. I said, of course, I understood. He said, "But I really like you. If things were different, I could really see us dating and getting together. I'd like to get to know you better. Are you on Livejournal? No? Well, I and my friends are. Why don't you get an account, and we can communicate that way. Are you on AIM? No? Well, here, I'll show you how to sign up and we can chat online."

 

I'm sorry if the bitterness is already seeping through. I don't consider that any of that was wrong, on either of our parts. So, we started chatting, almost every night. We got a bit flirty, but I kept telling myself that it didn't "mean" anything, because, of course, he wasn't ready (but, of course, I was hoping, hard, that he would be ready, soon).

 

Meanwhile, I became more and more obsessed with him, and I used Livejournal to feed the obsession. I also became addicted to Livejournal -- weird and shameful, but it's true. My work habits suffered. I recently quit Livejournal, and it was hard (but that's another subject for another forum).

 

I was working on Saturday nights with his roommate, and hanging out at their apartment on Saturday nights, with some other new friends (new to me). One Saturday, the night after we'd had an especially flirty chat on AIM, he insisted on driving me home (I usually rode with another friend, or took a cab). When we reached my house, he said that he wanted to get out of the car and give me a hug. The hug went on and on. I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "I don't know." The hug turned into a kiss, and more kisses. He asked if he could stay, and one thing led to another...the next day, on AIM, I asked if things were different, if I was now in another category than "friend". He said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on, but 'No'.

 

My friends said he was giving me mixed signals. I said he couldn't help it; he was confused and grieving.

 

We continued to chat, and flirt, online. A short time later, at another Saturday night gathering, he surprised me by acting as if we were a couple (he had said that he didn't want any of our mutual friends to know about what we'd been doing, because he was a very private person). On this night, he sat by me. He played with my hair and caressed my shoulder and held me hand. I had confided in one girl how I felt about him. She was sitting across from me. Her eyes were glowing with happiness for me. When almost everyone had left, except his roommate and one other friend, he led me into his room. I was ecstatic. I thought my dream had come true -- that he cared for me as I cared for him.

 

The next night, we "chatted" online about what had happened. I asked if things had changed. He said, "Sorry - No."

 

The next day, Monday, I looked at his Livejournal blog, as usual. He posted that he was very tired. A girl responded that perhaps it was because he'd had a good weekend. He replied, "Well, I did have a good time on Friday night with you and your roommates."

 

I emailed him and told him...this (I just can't think how to summarize it at the moment):

This is probably not the best time or means to tell you this, but regardless...

I think I needed a little time to process Saturday, and your take on all of

it...

And now that I have processed it, I have decided it's not happening again.

Please don't behave that way again.

The door is closed. The answer is "No".

And don't look for me on IM this week, because I won't be there.

 

He asked me what was wrong. I told him, this:

This may make no sense, and I should probably think

about this more and put it better, but I felt...like you'd just been scratching

an itch with me. Like, here was how you might have summed up your weekend:

friday night, hung out and drank with friends. Saturday night, hung out with

friends and slept with [my name]. Sunday, did laundry, watched the Grammys.

 

I don't know. I know you didn't mean anything by it. I'm being honest with you

here, but as always when I do that, I wonder how you'll take it. I guess we

just come around again to the same issue...I guess that when you and I are

together, I mean *together*, it's just fun for you, another in a string of fun

activities, no more and no less, but it's more than that to me, and you know

that, which is why I really think it shouldn't happen again.

 

He was furious with me. He said that wasn't him at all. How dare I accuse him of scratching an itch! How dare I accuse him of feeling nothing for me. He wasn't some heartless, shallow frat boy. He was just lonely and confused and attracted to me, but he was a good guy. I also admitted that I was jealous, and wondered who the girl was who'd responded to his post. I said that he owed me no explanations, and that I was tired and emotional and probably being too honest. He said she was just a friend. I apologized. I berated myself for being insecure and neurotic and paranoid. I apologized again. He accepted.

 

One more time, he initiated sex. We were chatting online, we got flirty, he asked if he could come over. When I told my roommate he was on his way, she surprised me by exclaiming, "He's a jerk! He's only using you for sex!" I said, "No, no, it's not that at all. He hasn't lied to me, and he's just confused and grieving."

 

Shortly after that, he broke off whatever it was that we had (that was in February). We continued to socialize, as part of the group. In April, shortly before I left on a six week trip to South America, he picked a fight with me over nothing. His friends told me they thought he was being unreasonable. One said perhaps he was hurt that I was going away (I had also announced that I was moving across the country at the end of the summer), and perhaps that's why, on some level, he was lashing out at me.

 

Well, just an hour ago, I yielded to temptation and looked at his Livejournal again for the first time in many weeks. I now believe that the girl he'd said was just a friend...well, that he did have feelings for her (not that there's anything wrong in that -- I still feel compelled to be fair to him). And somehow, after reading the entire post...I feel sure that he never really had any feelings for me, that my instincts were right, that he was just "scratching an itch".

 

And I almost feel like i deserved to be treated that way, to have made myself as willing and available as I did, to have behaved with so little self-respect. I'm disgusted with myself. And he's still in my system, still under my skin, though I don't even like him as a person anymore.

 

I wish I'd stop making these kinds of mistakes.

 

(Sorry for the length and detail -- I'm just not very good at summarizing, especially when I'm emotional)

[moimeme]

Hi again!

 

I'd seen you on 'currently active members' lately and wondered how things had worked out.

 

Sorry to hear that that guy didn't work out for you. I fear that some of these 'confused' men are ones that you're best to stay away from.

 

I mean this in the kindest possible way: make a rule for yourself - no sex until you're sure he's falling. Better yet, no sex without love on both sides.

 

Some folks, apparently, can have 'recreational sex' but I think even then, that's with people they're not 'obsessed' with. If ever you happen to fall hard for someone again and he's not taken a similar plunge, go run and buy yourself a chastity belt, have yourself locked up on retreat someplace, do what it takes but do not sleep with him. As you have, sadly, found out, it only makes it worse if it doesn't work out.

 

LS is the same old LS - broken hearts aplenty to keep each other company

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Hi again, yourself.

 

Yeah, I've been lurking here for a about a week, peering in from my island of shame, wondering whether or not to launch a message in a bottle. I'm still a little raw from the whole Livejournal experience. For some reason, that 'place' gave me the most awful stage-fright. Part of that came from me trying, in the beginning, to be sparkling and witty in order to impress the many online friends of The Guy (most of whom were scattered real-world friends). I don't think I exactly shone in that setting. I felt awkward and tongue-tied most of the time. (It's funny, but i never draw any confidence from the anonymity of the Internet. I don't know how to adopt an online persona, and I behave and react exactly as i would in real-life).

 

Well, I do think that LS is a warmer, more accepting place (though, again, in fairness, Livejournal is a huge online world, and I only saw a little corner of it).

 

If ever you happen to fall hard for someone again and he's not taken a similar plunge, go run and buy yourself a chastity belt, have yourself locked up on retreat someplace, do what it takes but do not sleep with him.

 

Oh, believe me, this is the strategy I'd like to adopt! However, my fear is, that if this happens again, if I feel that powerful attraction, and there seems to be some reciprocation, I'll just lose it again like I did this time -- lose all the 'its'. Lose my sanity, my sense, my self-control, and my self-respect.

 

Soon after I met this guy, when I was describing him to my best friend (a guy), and it was obvious how much Id already fallen, my friend said, "Oh, I'm worried about this one. I think you're going to get hurt. My advice is to get out now." And I replied, "It's as if I'm standing on the tracks, and I can see the train coming, but I can't jump off."

 

Oh, I'd really like to come away from this whole humiliating, painful experience with more insight, self-knowledge and wisdom. (Funny coincidence, right after the affair ended, I had a surgical biopsy on my left breast, so I actually have a small scar over my heart as a reminder! Oh, and no, they didn't find any cancer, so, no, not all my news is bad, far from it). I do feel that I only become obsessed with, and addicted to, guys who seem unavailable, though I don't know why. I know I'm still afraid of intimate relationships, of real commitment, and a lot of that may stem from my parents' horrible marriage. I still have chronically low self-esteem, and I need to try again to so some real work on shoring that up.

 

I'm very excited about my cross-country move to a big city (a move I'd been considering long before I met The Guy). Many things are falling into place to make this possible, and all the signs are positive.

 

Once I get settled there, I plan to spend a lot of time with myself, writing and reading self-help books, and seeing a therapist, if I can afford it, once I find a job. A few days ago, I picked up several self-help books at the library. In particular, I wanted to read a book by Albert Ellis, since I know that's an author you frequently recommend. The only one available was A New Guide to Rational Living, and I checked it out. I'm going to start it after I finish the one I'm reading now, which is Self-Esteem by McKay and Fanning.

 

I also looked at many books on romantic addiction on Amazon, but my library didn't stock any of them. If anyone has read any helpful books on that particular subject, and can recommend some titles, I'd really appreciate it.

[dotsncircles]

This is the first time ive been to this website - i was browsing around & when i read your post, it reminded me of my most recent relationship. (dont know if it matters, but im in college)

i am still trying to mentally escape this guy, even though he recently moved cross-country. i havent talked to him for a month although he has called twice (i've ignored the calls). but i think about him all the time - every day. and i hate it.

it was one of those relationships that started out sexually and developed into a relationship that ended up being a very emotionally draining one. he used to hook up with a lot of girls and i was the one he "stopped being a player for" so it made me feel special and i bought in. he was always giving me mixed signals - saying one thing, doing another.

i found myself -- once independent, confident, etc -- develop into someone who was always making excuses for his shortcomings, always apologizing for things, always giving everything, and constantly feeling something was missing and not trusting him. we had a big breakup, then he came back crying and i took him back (like an idiot) then it was a month of on again, off again nonsense - he would go between being really sweet and great, and then being distant and shady.

i knew for a long time that the relationship wasnt right -- you hit the nail on the head when you said it was like standing on the tracks and seeing the train... finally, i just stopped talking to him before he moved. in the end, it felt like everything meant nothing and it was all a lie - or simply a facade i created for myself.

getting out of a bad relationship like this is one step, but getting past it is an entirely different story. its damaging to your ego, it can make a once confident and independent person insecure, deflated, and weak. but you do indeed have the strength to move on. guys like these dont deserve our attention. with enough resolve and discipline, you can get your life back on track and convince yourself that you wont let him keep you down and hold you back... success is the sweetest revenge... hang in there and youll get thru it with time. if anything, use this as a learning experience - i.e. dont get involved with these jerks and dont let yourself be fooled! im still struggling, but i know im gonna get over it and i know i definitely learned A LOT.

oh and most importantly, make sure youre 100% okay by yourself and youve got it all before you get involved in any other relationship =)

[ojibwaywmn]

Originally posted by dotsncircles

This is the first time ive been to this website - i was browsing around & when i read your post, it reminded me of my most recent relationship. (dont know if it matters, but im in college)

i am still trying to mentally escape this guy, even though he recently moved cross-country. i havent talked to him for a month although he has called twice (i've ignored the calls). but i think about him all the time - every day. and i hate it.

it was one of those relationships that started out sexually and developed into a relationship that ended up being a very emotionally draining one. he used to hook up with a lot of girls and i was the one he "stopped being a player for" so it made me feel special and i bought in. he was always giving me mixed signals - saying one thing, doing another.

i found myself -- once independent, confident, etc -- develop into someone who was always making excuses for his shortcomings, always apologizing for things, always giving everything, and constantly feeling something was missing and not trusting him. we had a big breakup, then he came back crying and i took him back (like an idiot) then it was a month of on again, off again nonsense - he would go between being really sweet and great, and then being distant and shady.

i knew for a long time that the relationship wasnt right -- you hit the nail on the head when you said it was like standing on the tracks and seeing the train... finally, i just stopped talking to him before he moved. in the end, it felt like everything meant nothing and it was all a lie - or simply a facade i created for myself.

getting out of a bad relationship like this is one step, but getting past it is an entirely different story. its damaging to your ego, it can make a once confident and independent person insecure, deflated, and weak. but you do indeed have the strength to move on. guys like these dont deserve our attention. with enough resolve and discipline, you can get your life back on track and convince yourself that you wont let him keep you down and hold you back... success is the sweetest revenge... hang in there and youll get thru it with time. if anything, use this as a learning experience - i.e. dont get involved with these jerks and dont let yourself be fooled! im still struggling, but i know im gonna get over it and i know i definitely learned A LOT.

oh and most importantly, make sure youre 100% okay by yourself and youve got it all before you get involved in any other relationship =)

 

I can relate so much to your post dotsncircles.....last year I broke up with my ex who has turned out to be a major player. Like you...I think about him all the time...and I hate it. I admit that I still love him but I don't like him. Another way to put it is that I love his inner being, but I don't like his outer being which is full of lies, deceit, and games. Although he went back to his ex to be with their children, I found out that he is still trying to hook up with women on the side. What a SOB.

 

This whole experience has been emotionally devastating. I have been seeing a counsellor and found that it is helping. I am doing better than a year ago but I am still recovering. However, if it didn't happen, I wouldn't have had the opportunity or desire to find out what makes me tick. I know I will get over this too...it's just a matter of how long it will take to get there.

[beautiful]

you seem like a real sweet person. I am sorry you had to experience this kind of bad behavior from this jerk. And he is a jerk you know however , you allowed him to treat you this way.

 

Love yourself and respect yourself. Take care of you and work on what is going on inside of you so that you never have to allow someone to treat you so badly.

Huggs