CD111 Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Hello and thank you for your comments , Over the past few weeks I have really had this topic on my mind. Here is the quick background story. I have been seriously dating the man of my dreams for the last two years. We have an amazing relationship (both in our late twenties) and I know with all my heart that he is the love of my life. We want to have more children and get married, he was previously married and has a toddler. We met after he had been divorced for two years. His divorce had been brought on by his exwife's infidelity. Essentially months after she had given birth to their child she was became involved with someone else and he had to hire a private investigator for her to finally come clean after a few months. Understandably, he was devastated; however, still wanted to give the relationship a chance and encouraged her to go to counselling. He even moved out of their home to give her some space to decide what she wanted to do. She decided to move her lover into their home that he was still paying for and after two months he had had enough and said he wanted a divorce. According to him, she has never shown any remorse for her actions and didn't even shed a tear. So needless to say, after hearing his story (biased, I know) I don't feel all bubbly inside about his exwife. I definitely don't hate her at all, but based upon her actions (infidelity, lying, no remorse, never appologizing...the list goes on and on) she doesn't not seem like a person I would really like to go out of my way to get to know. However, she is the mother of his child, I do think she tries hard to be a good mother and an amicable relationship between her and I would only benefit their child. Since we have been together she has had her moments; however, I will give her credit and say that she has for the most part not gone out of her way to interfere in our relationship (minus minor snooping, getting upset when my boyfriend andI started dating, when we moved in together and a few others). My tactic has thus far been to "fly under the radar", drama is something I don't enjoy. A few months ago I moved in with him and his child spends quite a bit of time with us. His exwife has expressed concern because she doesn't very much about me. Which is true, we have briefly spoke (small talk) on few occasions and he has told her some basic information about me, but that is all. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 First of all she gets no vote in his choice of you. Secondly, every couple handles this differently. The only relationship you need to have with her is that of a bystander to his relationship with their child. Beyond that it's up to you and how much parenting is foist onto you I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 You don't need to 'get to know her and her to get to know you'. Your actions (keeping your head down) and love for their child should speak for itself. As time goes on she'll accept things as they are and be less of a pain in the arse. With that said, put yourself in her shoes..Another woman helping to raise her child isn't easy. It's not about you, it's more about her feeling left out of her child's life so one thing that you could do actually is make sure she knows you're not trying to replace her or take her place as 'the mom'. Let her know that you care deeply and love their child and will do everything you need to do to be a great stepmom/friend. The more laid back you are, the more at ease she'll feel as time goes on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 And I wonder what did your bf know about the guy who MOVED IN? I mean, the guy moved into their house... what did your bf know about him? I don't think she has any right to ask anything about you... Link to post Share on other sites
bryan_durel Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Hi CD111, My wife and I divorced when my daughter was 3. It's been pretty much myself and her for the past twelve years. I did date a few people during that time but I kept it 'hush! hush' since I didn't think it was anything serious. Last year, I developed what I thought at the time was a serious relationship. After introducing them, my daughter started to show the same signs that yours did, although she's never had a boyfriend or a job or anything close to that. It took a couple of months to get through to her but she felt this anxiety about being replaced and no longer adequate. I had to break up with my girlfriend at the time - I guess it wasn't the right time to do it. I guess I'll wait till my daughter goes to college and then make another attempt at another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
luckylilgem Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 What does she want, to interview you? Agree with the earlier poster that you don't need her vote. Be yourself and ignore her. Is this your first time dating a divorced dad? I'm in the same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 My daughters father and I split up when she was a baby. He had no parenting skills and was raised by wolves. To this day I do not like and do not trust him. Best day of my life is when he moved in with a woman who...probably can't Stand me...but has treated my daughter like gold for 13 years now. I'm just pointing out that it's all about the child, not what the ex did...and she should be nosy, she should want to know who is with her child. She is a mother. All you have to do is love her kid, you don't have to like each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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