I don't want to be depressed.

[izumi]

I never thought that I'll be this depressed.

 

Where to begin.

 

I'm 29, which is too old to be single in my country. My family constantly putting pressure on me, I know they (my dad and sister) mean well, but sometimes I just felt that my dad is very embarrassed by me every time someone asks if I'm still single.

 

I have a degree, and I think I'm quite smart. But I don't like my job, I don't like what I studied in university and don't know which career path to choose despite I'm 29. Most of the people my age are having a high rank job with very well paid.

 

My parents divorce while I was young. Sister and I lived with mum. She's very emotionally abusive. She always told me that I don't worth anyone's love, and will end up being abandoned like her. But it was her who filed the divorce because she's very into gambling, and she needed the divorce money to pay back her debt because my dad was too fed up. She blamed everything to me and my sister. She said if we're boys, or better behaved, our father won't argue with her so much. And she won't be so lonely and got addicted to gambling. Anyway, after some years, she cheated me and ran away with all the trust fund my father gave me and my sister.

 

My previous serious relationship ended because ex left me for another girl. I guess I didn't love him that much, but I hope that somehow the relationship can lead to marriage. I pushed him for it towards the end and fight a lot. He couldn't take it and left for another girl.

 

I was quite upset for a while, but still managed to pick myself up. Get a makeover, got some new hobbies, did some travelling. Because I want to attract some one, and be married happily one day. Just to show my mum that I'm different from her.

 

It's until my recent break up that makes me realize, I have really serious problem within. I'm constantly unhappy. I don't enjoy everything I do. None of the activities interests me. I feel rubbish, useless, worthless. I hated everyone.

 

I think that I'm not good enough for anyone even though I act very proud. At the age of 29, where most of my friends are married or in happy relationship, I'm still single, career less, future less. I have dreams which I'm not able to reach. He was the only good thing that happened to me for such a long time, yet I screwed up by being emotionally dependent.

 

I want to change, but don't know how. I want to see a shrink, but don't have the money. Can anyone with such experience, or know someone in similar situation give me any advice?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi Izumi,

 

I'm guessing from your name that you are from Japan?

 

Women have pressure in every country to be in a relationship or be married. But what is the point in being married if it is not with a man that you want to be with? Would you really be any happier, or more fulfilled? Or would you actually feel more lonely and depressed?

 

I know it is difficult if people are standing against you and telling you that they think you should be/do or have something, but remember many people are in relationships that they don't want to be in because they think that they SHOULD be, for their family, friends, culture, society, religion, or because they 'think' it is right, even if they are deeply unhappy or incompatible with that person.

 

People will always tell you that you should do things by a certain age, but guess what? When you get into a relationship, they will say, when are you getting married, when you get married they will say when are you having your first kid, when your have your first they'll ask about your second, then they'll ask when you're getting a divorce etc. Basically, some people will always try to dictate or rush your life because they are unhappy with theirs OR because they think they know what will make you happy.

 

What did you study at uni? Did you study for a job that you thought you would enjoy? Or a job that would pay well? I think a lot of people learn the hard way that the life of status is quite hollow.

 

It seems to me that most people around you are forcing you to life of status and appearances. 'Be married and have the job' - without caring if these things make you feel fulfilled or happy inside.

 

I think it's time for you to think about what might make you happy, REALLY happy, and not rich, or successful or 'right' in the eyes of all your judges.

 

What kind of thing did you think you might want to do when you were 5, or 10? Is there anything that springs to mind?

 

Or is it that this particular job is bad and you could get one somewhere else maybe?

 

I am so sorry to hear about your mother and what happened, but I can promise you that you ARE worthy of love. She says that to you because she does not feel that she is worthy of love, but it is not true.

 

Tell yourself every time you look in a mirror, out loud or in your head, 'I love myself' or 'I am lovable' or even just 'I love you'.

 

I think the reason you feel unhappy, and I may be wrong so please correct me, is because the motivation for everything you are doing is for other people.

 

You want to be married to prove to your mum you are not like her, and the right job to prove you can compete, but this is a hollow way to live and you wont find lasting happiness here.

[church9832]

Being 10 years younger than you, I can only tell you what I know.

 

I guess I could say you still have time, AND you're basically free to do what you want when you want

 

I'm assuming you're in Japan hence your name.

 

Watch How I Met your mother or Suits, they show single people who are very sucessful and happy and those who wait will get what they deserve

 

I guess your just at a point in your life where you're getting impatient with everything. You cannot rush love, you got the world at your feet

 

Also with your mother, you shouldn't really take it in account anymore. YOU define yourself and you know what to do with yourself

 

Depression takes a while to subside, it doesn;t happen overnight

 

But it doesn hurt to do things to boost your happiness