Moving out and divorcing

[revitup]

MS, I always see humor in everything.

 

That being said,you say in the above post

"husband (undersized)" Freudian slip maybe?

 

Just funning,have a laugh and know you make a difference.

[MsOptimist]

MS, I always see humor in everything.

 

That being said,you say in the above post

"husband (undersized)" Freudian slip maybe?

 

Just funning,have a laugh and know you make a difference.

 

LOL - autocorrect! But it is funny

 

It was meant to read undersexed.

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm certainly not trying to make any excuses for the guy, but I think in a lot of cases the other person has emotionally and/or mentally divorced the other person (I'm dealing with this myself and my wife has no idea). And when the breaking point comes, it's a shock to the unsuspecting spouse. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but trying to give some minor insight.

[GuyInLimbo]

Revitup, I'll go and read your story - sorry to hear your wife left. I am struggling with how much I am to blame. Everyone is telling me it's not my fault but then I read so much on reflecting on what my part in this was.

 

I know I'm a good person (with faults like everyone else) but I was willing to try to make things better.

 

Most divorces are the fault of both parties (unless one is an addict or abusive). Don't beat yourself up over it, though. The best thing you can do is work in IC and, yeah, examine some thing you could have done better. Does that mean you could have saved the marriage? Who knows? The most important thing is to come out of the experience stronger and know more of what you want in life.

[MsOptimist]

I'm certainly not trying to make any excuses for the guy, but I think in a lot of cases the other person has emotionally and/or mentally divorced the other person (I'm dealing with this myself and my wife has no idea). And when the breaking point comes, it's a shock to the unsuspecting spouse. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but trying to give some minor insight.

 

Thanks for the insight. I do think he's mentally checked out. But can I ask you why you don't want to bring the issues to the table with your wife? I don't understand how people can mentally disconnect and make up their mind without allowing the other half of the marriage opportunity to work on the marriage. I don't know your situation, and as you said, abuse is a whole different story, but this is the person you supposedly once loved and adored. That is the most painful part of this, that I was given no option to openly work on things. Working on issues one-sided only doesn't get anywhere.

[Cb3657]

Uctually when I said undersexed I was referring to frequency not size and I did not leave my wife I stayed. I will say there were times when I really felt like I needed to get out and that the marriage would not work but I stayed and I feel like we are a strong couple.

I think all couples have periods like this, it is a test of character as to if you stay and honor your vows or break up the marriage ( as your husband has)

I believe there likely is a personality out there that is a better match than my wife but I don't think I would be happier with that person. We all have flaws to magnify mine by having a perfect match would suck

[ace5950]

Yeah I can already see how easy it is to forget the bad - I was crying earlier while packing and remembering things.

 

Do you have any running groups in your area? I'm training for a half marathon next month and my running group knows my situation and my long runs are therapy sessions if I want to talk about it. Where I'm moving has a huge running community and I plan to join a new group to meet more people.

 

The lonely dark winter scares me too. I plan to pick a spring race to train for and focus on - whatever race some of my training group friends are also doing. There's a track club some people want me to join too.

 

I want to find a support group when I move, I like talking to others who have been in similar situations too. So yes, you keep posting too - misery loves company, right?

 

 

Yes, where I live the running community is huge, and its great! I have spent the summer training for the marathon with a group and on Wednesdays I run with a local running stores women only night. I have signed up for a half marathon in January which should be interesting being i live in a cold climate! I also have volunteered to be a winter half marathon training pacer. I dont really want to get up on Saurdays at 5am and go run in the snow but It will keep my busy and motivated. I also want to to a tri next year and hope to find a swim coach to train me this winter as I am a horrible swimmer.

[MsOptimist]

Uctually when I said undersexed I was referring to frequency not size and I did not leave my wife I stayed. I will say there were times when I really felt like I needed to get out and that the marriage would not work but I stayed and I feel like we are a strong couple.

I think all couples have periods like this, it is a test of character as to if you stay and honor your vows or break up the marriage ( as your husband has)

I believe there likely is a personality out there that is a better match than my wife but I don't think I would be happier with that person. We all have flaws to magnify mine by having a perfect match would suck

 

Good for you for sticking it out through the rough patches. I thought you were saying you stayed for awhile and ultimately left after trying to work it out.

 

I feel like this is a test too, and I hate that my husband is not on the same page. I was very serious about my vows.

[MsOptimist]

Yes, where I live the running community is huge, and its great! I have spent the summer training for the marathon with a group and on Wednesdays I run with a local running stores women only night. I have signed up for a half marathon in January which should be interesting being i live in a cold climate! I also have volunteered to be a winter half marathon training pacer. I dont really want to get up on Saurdays at 5am and go run in the snow but It will keep my busy and motivated. I also want to to a tri next year and hope to find a swim coach to train me this winter as I am a horrible swimmer.

 

That is great! I'm in a cold climate too but I like winter running. I need to find a winter or early spring half to get lined up. I'll probably wait until I join the new groups and see what others are running.

 

I'm a terrible swimmer too so that's another thing I'd like to practice during the winter - I hope my budget permits all these keeping-busy activities!

[ace5950]

That is great! I'm in a cold climate too but I like winter running. I need to find a winter or early spring half to get lined up. I'll probably wait until I join the new groups and see what others are running.

 

I'm a terrible swimmer too so that's another thing I'd like to practice during the winter - I hope my budget permits all these keeping-busy activities!

 

I know right? Thats why I am going to try and be a pacer for the winter half training... then I get the training for free! I buy a power ball once or twice a week... I would love to see the look on my exes face if hit it big!

[janetl]

MsOptimist,

 

I read through your posts on this thread (and some replies). It made me want to write about my experiences; which are similar yet not quite...

 

I had an arranged marriage (I'm Asian) and never felt connection with ex-husband. He was dominating, demanding since the beginning. Even between the time of engagement and divorce. Yet I kept at it; because as a girl from a respected family - that's what I supposed to do.

 

It took me 8 years to gather courage to walk out. It was shocker to him; because, although we always had issues, I never let him see how troubled and suffocated I was. So I think he felt exactly like you felt when your ex-husband expressed his intention to end the marriage to you.

 

I don't feel guilty at all; but I know he was hurt because of me leaving him. I understood he was shocked, I tried to exit as gently as I could; but he was in a mess, and I knew it. Now, he's re-married and has two kids. He recovered pretty well. I am still single and doing well, but I have been hurt and burnt so badly that I don't think I will fall in love easily.

 

The reason I am writing this is; I know you are coping well. Try not to be bitter about it. He is probably aware that you are hurting and cannot do anything about. Time is a great healer. You will be out of it and be stronger.

 

Good luck!

[MsOptimist]

Ace, that pacer deal is great!! I hope you win the powerball too

 

Janet, thanks for sharing your story. I am trying not to be bitter - it is hard sometimes though since I'm the one doing everything (found a place to live, going through stuff, packing, going to therapy). He hasn't had to do anything yet.

 

I was talking to a mutual friend a couple days ago - apparently they asked my husband if he had filed yet, and he hasn't. I wonder why he's hesitating now because he seemed so eager to do so 2 weeks ago. If there wasn't a fee I'd probably go and file myself at this point. But I'll let him pay the fee since I'm the one being displaced! I'm voluntarily moving out, but still, he's not helping at all.

 

He stayed at his parents the past few nights too - is that to avoid seeing me pack? He's doing very well with avoiding just about everything.

[Yasuandio]

Regarding animals. When we separated about 3.5 years ago - we had one dog, Athena. She was really "his" dog, and loved him so. She would sping up into his arms when he came home.

 

However, he left Athena when he left me. I could see in Athena that she missed him. Later on, I became ill, after a failed dental surgery - and could not take good care of myself. I lost about 40 pounds during the winter, and kept having falls in the house. I just couldn't stop sleeping either. Athena was sleeping on my back, on the couch downstairs, I thought that was really weird. I didn't really have strength to walk up to the bedroom.

 

Soon after, I was hospitalized for another matter. and it was discovered that the dose of blood pressure medicine I was on was WAY TO HIGH for my new lower weight, and that is why I couldn't get up, and why I kept falling down and having accidents.

 

Athena was probably sleeping on my back to keep my body warm, isn't that interesting. But I tell you that story - to let you know what followed. Athena had already been showing signs of depression after my husband had left. Actually, her depression was likely a reflection of mine. She and I would just sit quitely all day and do nothing.

 

After I recovered - Athena became more depressed, and I still didn't have the wherewithall to do anything. I made a decision to get a new puppy - to force Athena and me to get off out buts. It actually worked. And we have a new family now. A puppy demands attention - from everyone! And Athena took over the job of training little "Nike" on proper dog manners. It was a big job - and it took almost two years - but Athena and I did it, and it healed both of us!

 

I would never let my X-husband see Athena again. I would be afraid it would bring her depression back. He abdondoned her - has not visited her, and it is best that their relationship be over. I could not bear to see her missing him again, like she did. Yas

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Yas. I do worry about my dog being depressed (all of my animals). That's primarily why I don't object to her remaining at my house most of the time, especially since the house has a huge yard.

 

Is it bad that I sometimes hope my husband sees the dog or cats depressed so that he might feel some guilt? I'm leaving a cat that was initially mine before we got engaged - I sometimes hope she reminds him of me.

 

I have a lot of resentment lately. I feel like I'm the only one picking up the pieces and doing all the work. Yes my life is the one that's about to change the most with my upcoming move, but I feel like he should be helping somehow. I don't even know exactly what I want/need him to do but I feel like it should be more than nothing. He's still staying out of the house and I have no idea when/if he'll come back before I move. Same confusion there - I don't know if I'd rathe have him here or gone. I'm still adjusting to not checking in with him after 10 yrs of doing so. It's all so strange right now. I've broken down several times this weekend.

[GuyInLimbo]

Thanks for the insight. I do think he's mentally checked out. But can I ask you why you don't want to bring the issues to the table with your wife? I don't understand how people can mentally disconnect and make up their mind without allowing the other half of the marriage opportunity to work on the marriage. I don't know your situation, and as you said, abuse is a whole different story, but this is the person you supposedly once loved and adored. That is the most painful part of this, that I was given no option to openly work on things. Working on issues one-sided only doesn't get anywhere.

 

 

I posted a long intro story here a few weeks ago, but the main gist is that I don't think I was ever really in love with her and that we both really just settled. I hate to say I never adored her. Also, emotionally, she's always been a weak/immature person and I've always been convinced that if/when I unleash my true feelings, there's no turning back. Not saying that's worthy. It's a weakness on my part and I may not be giving her enough credit.

Edited September 24, 2012 by GuyInLimbo

[MsOptimist]

I posted a long intro story here a few weeks ago, but the main gist is that I don't think I was ever really in love with her and that we both really just settled. I hate to say I never adored her. Also, emotionally, she's always been a weak/immature person and I've always been convinced that if/when I unleash my true feelings, there's no turning back. Not saying that's worthy. It's a weakness on my part and I may not be giving her enough credit.

 

Thanks for the honesty. Maybe it's still my optimistic perspective of the once-hopeful dumpee, but maybe there's a way for her to prove herself that would allow you to see her in a different light before you call it quits for good. I feel like my husband doesn't think I'm a strong person, despite having been through many very heavy things in my life, but he's about to see how strong I am by picking up my broken pieces and moving out swiftly. I think that's the best judge of character, is how someone reacts when put to the test.

[GuyInLimbo]

Thanks for the honesty. Maybe it's still my optimistic perspective of the once-hopeful dumpee, but maybe there's a way for her to prove herself that would allow you to see her in a different light before you call it quits for good. I feel like my husband doesn't think I'm a strong person, despite having been through many very heavy things in my life, but he's about to see how strong I am by picking up my broken pieces and moving out swiftly. I think that's the best judge of character, is how someone reacts when put to the test.

 

I see why you are an optimist. But, I'm not (at least in my case). And, frankly, my wife would really have to change almost everything about herself for that to happen and I'm not delusional enough to think she could or would. She is who she is.

[MsOptimist]

I understand, GuyInLimbo.

 

So it's my last 2 weeks in my house and stbx is staying at his parents' house. When he left he said he'd stay there "for a few days because his back was hurting and he wanted to see if one of their beds made a difference." I started packing boxes on the day he left.

 

He came home today to pick up our dog, he wanted her for the night. I said no, that I want to spend as much time with her as possible right now. That was fine with him, and then I asked if he was staying there until I move. He said yes, that it's too awkward here with me packing.

 

I don't know why this upsets me so much, I'm in tears and couldn't hold back the tears in front of him. Maybe it's reality setting in. It is awkward when we're both here so I thought if be relieved. Instead I'm feeling crappy again. It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

[Yasuandio]

You are in pain. You do not need him there if he has decided to vacate. DO NOT attempt tp use your pets as influence. It is the same as manipulating children - but worse. the dogs and kittis are not sophisticated enough to express themselves - other than showing depression trhough loss, or reflection of your own depression and sense of loss. they know no better.

 

Decide now which pets you will care for into the future - and cut the cord. I am telling you, I wittnessed this problem as decribed in earlier post. It is very sad, indeed. Also, the correct decision, it is common sense. So, there is no excuse.

 

My husband's attorney suggested a "walk-thru," in case he left something behind. My answer: Denied, period. Even his scent in the house could arouse Athena's (our dog's) instincts. No way will I take a chance to confuse her. He chose to be dead to be dead to her, and that is how he will remain.

 

Yas

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for the advice, Yas. It's not what I want to hear, but I will think about it. I have decided how we will split the animals and our dog is the only animal we were planning to share. I will see what my stbx has to say when we discuss specifics of a shared plan, we haven't talked about details yet. I want to look at this from all angles before making a decision.

 

I wasn't trying to use my dog as a bargaining chip last night when I objected him taking her for the night. I initially said yes, but after a few minutes I realized that hey, I'm the one losing her most of the time when I move out so I figure that I might as well spend as much time as I can with her now.

[Yasuandio]

Seldom, does anyone like my advice. Even me. Yas

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for sharing, sapienta. It helps knowing that others have gone through similar situations. My therapist said that my stbx's behavior would take extensive therapy to work through. And if he's not willing (he's obviously not), then this relationship will never work. I will continue to work on myself in therapy though so as to not repeat this same kind of mistake.

 

I feel like I had a little progress today. First I had a great 3 hr lunch date with a friend and it really helped talking things through with her, both the good and the bad.

 

Came home from work, had a great run. I saw my stbx twice as he picked up and dropped off our dog - for the first time I felt a little of the indifference that I read about on here. I wasn't hurt by seeing him and I also wasn't nervous or trying to put up a wall while he was here. We briefly talked about something that needed to be taken care of this week and that was that. He left and I'm carrying on with my evening.

[MsOptimist]

Yes. You will be much more relaxed. You will also be more tired for a while. Be kind to yourself. My (ex) H sounds a lot like yours. Very controlled (except when he was raging and smashing things, including himself) and emotionally distant. That kind of environment longterm is soul-destroying. You will feel sad for what is lost, but that sense of walking on eggshells will be gone. It gets better. I'm only a couple months in and I already feel much more at peace.

 

Same here. Our counsellor called him 'highly passive-aggressive' and basically gave me the choice to adapt or leave. I've chosen to do both, actually.

 

Now that I have accepted I'm on my own from now on (both until I move and then when I move, of course), I do feel a little more relaxed. I'm still nervous about the move and hope I like my new place, but I'm sure I'd be nervous moving anywhere.

 

Soul-destroying is a powerful phrase, and that sounds right. I haven't realized, until recently, how much I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I would also describe my stbx as highly passive-aggressive. I did try to adapt too much for him, I think I thought I was trying to accept him for who he was.

 

I'm so glad you're already feeling more peace - I look forward to those days ahead!

[MsOptimist]

You should get that book I mentioned "Love Must be Tough". It will give you an idea of what to expect and what to do when he starts trying to approach you again (I'm already starting to get longer, engaging emails). You have to establish your independence for him to respect you. Regardless of what the end result of your separation is.

 

I read quite a bit. There's a nice quote from Kahlil Gibran about marriage that I resonate with:

 

For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

 

Hang in there, MsOptimist.

 

I think you're right about this being the only way he'll respect me (which is sad).

 

Ugh, you're getting emails from your ex? There's no doubt about the end result for me - as much as I wish I was never in this position, I am starting to see that I am better off without someone like this. I'm beginning to see the reality of how our relationship was, and it's not looking so pretty anymore.

[ace5950]

I think you're right about this being the only way he'll respect me (which is sad).

 

Ugh, you're getting emails from your ex? There's no doubt about the end result for me - as much as I wish I was never in this position, I am starting to see that I am better off without someone like this. I'm beginning to see the reality of how our relationship was, and it's not looking so pretty anymore.

 

 

This is great that you are seeing the life is better with out him. I started to get the I miss you crap about 4 1/2 months after our split. I grew a lot in that time. I went from letting him walk all over me, to standing up for myself... but I still find myself weak for him. I am still letting him have tons of control over my emotions. Its hard to let go of someone that was such a huge part of you life. I hope you can be stronger then me when he comes crawling back! I am slowing getting stronger, and the more he acts like an ass the easier it gets. Good luck with the rest of your packing. Is your moving coming up soon?