Moving out and divorcing

[MsOptimist]

This is great that you are seeing the life is better with out him. I started to get the I miss you crap about 4 1/2 months after our split. I grew a lot in that time. I went from letting him walk all over me, to standing up for myself... but I still find myself weak for him. I am still letting him have tons of control over my emotions. Its hard to let go of someone that was such a huge part of you life. I hope you can be stronger then me when he comes crawling back! I am slowing getting stronger, and the more he acts like an ass the easier it gets. Good luck with the rest of your packing. Is your moving coming up soon?

 

I can see how the weakness can come back with increasing contact. That is how I used to be when we were dating on and off in college, before we got really serious. You're still grieving and in the process of getting through all of these life changes though - I don't think there's a definitive timeline to get through it.

 

So he's still acting like a jerk to you? Hopefully that makes it a little easier to not take the bait when he's trying to crawl back. Get out your list when he contacts you! I made my own list the other night and have it handy. Having the list in front of me does make me realize that there are many sides to him that I don't like.

 

Packing is going pretty well. My move is next weekend, and my mother in law is coming into town this weekend to help. The inlaws are being very supportive to me, I am very fortunate there.

[ace5950]

I can see how the weakness can come back with increasing contact. That is how I used to be when we were dating on and off in college, before we got really serious. You're still grieving and in the process of getting through all of these life changes though - I don't think there's a definitive timeline to get through it.

 

So he's still acting like a jerk to you? Hopefully that makes it a little easier to not take the bait when he's trying to crawl back. Get out your list when he contacts you! I made my own list the other night and have it handy. Having the list in front of me does make me realize that there are many sides to him that I don't like.

 

Packing is going pretty well. My move is next weekend, and my mother in law is coming into town this weekend to help. The inlaws are being very supportive to me, I am very fortunate there.

 

Yep. Still a Jerk and it does make it easier. I am glad you have someone to help you pack as it makes it easier. I had a moving company move all my stuff and then I had a friend help me with the last few things. She was there with me as I had to say good bye to two of my cats, and my first real home... by the end of it we were both crying but it was SO nice to have someone there when I walked out of my house for the last time. I love my list! Its up to over 170 items.. although some of them are stupid like he doesn't like vegetables or that he started smoking.

[MsOptimist]

Wow, how does your H feel about this? My in-laws basically cut contact as soon as we announced our split (tho my MIL sent some rather tasteless emails to my husband until I pointed out that I too saw them). I was quite hurt by that, as I've always been very kind to them, but this is part of the price one pays for a divorce.

 

I guess I'm just warning you to keep your expectations low in how much they will interact with you and why.

 

My inlaws are being wonderful. I don't know what my stbx thinks about that, but I know my MIL is going to bat for me - telling him that I need to take everything in the house I need. She wants me to take everything. The inlaws are giving me furniture to fi in gaps of what I need. My MIL was just over helping me pack. I've been talking to them all via email and they want to help in whatever way they can. The inlaws are also helping me on moving day. They're going above and beyond what I expected and I'm very grateful for their support. I can use all the support and help I can get right now.

[riverratt]

My inlaws are being wonderful. I don't know what my stbx thinks about that, but I know my MIL is going to bat for me - telling him that I need to take everything in the house I need. She wants me to take everything. The inlaws are giving me furniture to fi in gaps of what I need. My MIL was just over helping me pack. I've been talking to them all via email and they want to help in whatever way they can. The inlaws are also helping me on moving day. They're going above and beyond what I expected and I'm very grateful for their support. I can use all the support and help I can get right now.

 

That is great. My in laws and I still have a great relationship. How ever my ex completely ignored my family. Big mistake on her part because there was no ill feelings until they got ignored.

[MsOptimist]

Riverratt, I'm glad you still have a good relationship with your inlaws. I hope I can maintain friendship with mine. My MIL was just telling me that I should come and stay anytime (she lives in another city). My SIL said she doesn't want to lose me as a sister.

 

I wasn't sure if I'd get a cold shoulder from his family since they are very loyal to each other. I am very lucky they are still loyal to me. My MIL took me to lunch and we had a great talk. She thinks my stbx suffers from depression, it runs in her family. She knows he puts blame on other people, drinks too much, uses too many pain killers, and of course doesn't express emotions. She knows I didn't want this and wanted to work through our problems.

 

I am also going through health issues with my family and my stbx ha recently been not caring about any of that, even though he knows it causes me stress. My MIL thinks I deserve someone more compassionate than that, and I agree.

 

My stbx has never liked my family. Never wants to spend time with them, and he hasn't said anything to them throughout this mess.

 

The plan for my move is for my stbx and FIL to move all heavy stuff and then leave. Then my MIL will help me get unpacked and organized, she's great at that kind of thing.

 

Sapienta, if stbx does a 180 eventually I won't be there. It's too late now.

[riverratt]

Riverratt, I'm glad you still have a good relationship with your inlaws. I hope I can maintain friendship with mine. My MIL was just telling me that I should come and stay anytime (she lives in another city). My SIL said she doesn't want to lose me as a sister.

 

As it should be..You or we are still the same people they cared for. If it was just because of the marriage then there weren't real feelings there in the first place..

[MsOptimist]

I'm pretty much all packed up except for the things I still need this week. Get my new keys later today. I'm nervous and anxious and sad about leaving my house. I'm trying to not think too much about how my days are limited in my current house, which was my first real home.

 

I'll still need to talk to my stbx this week about last minute things. Not looking forward to that since right now we're very LC unless it has to do with the animals.

 

A couple things that confuse me - he still hasn't filed and he also told his mom that I don't have to get all of my things right now, right away (this was in regards to getting my storage items out of our shed). I DO have to get my things out now, I do not want this dragging out for days/weeks/months, I don't think it's best for my healing to drag it out.

 

I know he's very busy at work lately, but I assumed that since he seemed so adamant about filing quickly that he would have made the time to do so. If there wasn't a fee involved I'd file just to throw him off guard. But I'm saving every penny since I'm now living on my own. He was the divorce, he can file.

[ace5950]

I'm pretty much all packed up except for the things I still need this week. Get my new keys later today. I'm nervous and anxious and sad about leaving my house. I'm trying to not think too much about how my days are limited in my current house, which was my first real home.

 

I'll still need to talk to my stbx this week about last minute things. Not looking forward to that since right now we're very LC unless it has to do with the animals.

 

A couple things that confuse me - he still hasn't filed and he also told his mom that I don't have to get all of my things right now, right away (this was in regards to getting my storage items out of our shed). I DO have to get my things out now, I do not want this dragging out for days/weeks/months, I don't think it's best for my healing to drag it out.

 

I know he's very busy at work lately, but I assumed that since he seemed so adamant about filing quickly that he would have made the time to do so. If there wasn't a fee involved I'd file just to throw him off guard. But I'm saving every penny since I'm now living on my own. He was the divorce, he can file.

 

 

My ex did the same thing! He kept wanting to push back our "meeting" dates. Told me to take as long as i needed to get my stuff out. The car I was driving was in his name and he said I could keep it that way till January because the car insurance was paid till then. He also wanted me to keep keys to the house... UM.. NO THANKS! I told him there was no reason for me to keep keys and that I dont want to drag this out any longer then need be.

[MsOptimist]

My ex did the same thing! He kept wanting to push back our "meeting" dates. Told me to take as long as i needed to get my stuff out. The car I was driving was in his name and he said I could keep it that way till January because the car insurance was paid till then. He also wanted me to keep keys to the house... UM.. NO THANKS! I told him there was no reason for me to keep keys and that I dont want to drag this out any longer then need be.

 

They seem very similar, don't they?! I'll be on the lookout for the head games when I'm moved - not that I look forward to head games, but it wouldn't surprise me if they started eventually. I can envision him being drunk at home and sending drunk emails or texts.

 

I think I'll be out entirely this weekend. I'm nervous but also a little excited - just to be out of this current phase. I know I still have a lot more sadness and hurt to process, but being in a new environment will hopefully be good for me.

[ace5950]

They seem very similar, don't they?! I'll be on the lookout for the head games when I'm moved - not that I look forward to head games, but it wouldn't surprise me if they started eventually. I can envision him being drunk at home and sending drunk emails or texts.

 

I think I'll be out entirely this weekend. I'm nervous but also a little excited - just to be out of this current phase. I know I still have a lot more sadness and hurt to process, but being in a new environment will hopefully be good for me.

 

Yes! Leaving my first real home for the first time was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was nice to be in my own place with my stuff, and my pets and I knew I was not going to have to see him. For a while my Ex thought we were going to be friends after all of this... Really? Why on Earth would I want to be your friend?? I have gotten a lot of drunk texts from him. I miss you, I wish you were here.. crap like that... It only pisses me off more because he knows that I am still in love with him so I feel its all mind games.

[MsOptimist]

Yes! Leaving my first real home for the first time was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was nice to be in my own place with my stuff, and my pets and I knew I was not going to have to see him. For a while my Ex thought we were going to be friends after all of this... Really? Why on Earth would I want to be your friend?? I have gotten a lot of drunk texts from him. I miss you, I wish you were here.. crap like that... It only pisses me off more because he knows that I am still in love with him so I feel its all mind games.

 

Yeah that is not cool to expect to be friends and send drunk texts like that - I wonder if they realize how much that messes with our heads considering we did not initiate this mess?

 

I'm nervous about all of the little things about the move - like which bus lines to take, when/where to run. I'll feel better once I establish a new routine. I've already looked up when the groups runs are and I need to find a divorce support group ASAP.

[ace5950]

Everything seems different to me now that I am single... its kinda weird. Only worrying about me (and my pets) is something that I have never in my life had to do. It takes some getting use to. Its too bad we are not in the same city, we could be running pals!

[MsOptimist]

Everything will be a big adjustment for me too. I've never lived entirely on my own. I went away to college but always lived with a roommate. After college I moved further away but had several roommates. After that I went straight to moving in with my husband (we had known each other for several years prior).

 

Picked up my keys today. I think I'll like the place but I was kind of down when I went there to take measurements. Just me in the empty place was sad. I know it'll be better once all my stuff is there, and the animals, but it was sad the little that I was there.

 

I wish we could be running pals too!!

[MsOptimist]

It gets better once you are fully moved out. I cried (privately) several times when going to pick up stuff. Just thinking about it makes me weepy (until I remember all the crap that went on there). Its hard work being the one to leave, you'll get exhausted so guard your energy, but at the same time he is the one who will be living in the place with all the memories. Hang in there.

 

Thanks. These last few days in my house are sad. If I think about the final time here I tear up so I try not to think about it yet. I am glad that I'll be the one leaving the place with all the memories, that would be too difficult for me. I wonder what he will do with my flower garden (he won't tend to it, but I have lots of perennials that need maintenance) or our fish tanks. I do most of the fish tank maintenance and some of our fish are almost as old as our marriage.

[ace5950]

Everything will be a big adjustment for me too. I've never lived entirely on my own. I went away to college but always lived with a roommate. After college I moved further away but had several roommates. After that I went straight to moving in with my husband (we had known each other for several years prior).

 

Picked up my keys today. I think I'll like the place but I was kind of down when I went there to take measurements. Just me in the empty place was sad. I know it'll be better once all my stuff is there, and the animals, but it was sad the little that I was there.

 

I wish we could be running pals too!!

 

 

Same for me. This is the first time I have ever in my life lived alone. Everyone keeps telling me its going to get better and I will love it, I just don't know about that. I have been in there since June and i am still not all the way unpacked and I need to hang pictures on the walls. I cant afford all the furniture I need right now so its going to have to stay that way for a little bit. I am a very "motherly" time person even though I don't have kids. I like to do things for other people to make them happy. I liked to come home to someone. The only satisfaction I really get is knowing i did this all on my own. I live in an expensive city with NO family and only a couple really good friends. I work 50 hours a week to survive but its worth it.

 

Sometimes I get really pissed because everything changed for me, and hardly anything changed for him. My whole life got turned upside down and he carried on his merry way. Hes got a job where he makes close to 100,000 a year and i make under 40,000. It stinks but I guess that's life.

[MsOptimist]

Our situations are so similar. I get mad too that my life is uprooted and his is not. Even though I don't want to stay in the house, it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair but it still sucks that I have to clean up this mess.

 

I liked coming home to someone too, I hope it isn't too lonely by myself. I am an independent person, and I do like my alone time, but I don't want to get lonely and depressed coming home alone.

 

Similar situation with incomes, I make about the same as you and stbx makes near 70k. I'll only have enough furniture thanks to my inlaws helping. Maybe if you unpack you'll feel more settled? Then again I've been thinking about leaving certain things packed if I end up only staying in my new place for a year!

 

I tried to see if I could message you about your city but couldn't see how to message you. I'm also in an expensive city, cold climate, with a huge running community - wouldn't it be crazy if we were in the same area?

[ace5950]

Our situations are so similar. I get mad too that my life is uprooted and his is not. Even though I don't want to stay in the house, it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair but it still sucks that I have to clean up this mess.

 

I liked coming home to someone too, I hope it isn't too lonely by myself. I am an independent person, and I do like my alone time, but I don't want to get lonely and depressed coming home alone.

 

Similar situation with incomes, I make about the same as you and stbx makes near 70k. I'll only have enough furniture thanks to my inlaws helping. Maybe if you unpack you'll feel more settled? Then again I've been thinking about leaving certain things packed if I end up only staying in my new place for a year!

 

I tried to see if I could message you about your city but couldn't see how to message you. I'm also in an expensive city, cold climate, with a huge running community - wouldn't it be crazy if we were in the same area?

 

 

I am lucky too to still have a great relationship with my ex's mom and family. They all think hes acting crazy and instead of going to him to ask him what the deal is they have asked me... My response to that was.. The hell if I know. His mother to me has been a better mom to me then my own mom. I know that i will always have a relationship with her. I know she really loves and cares about me and its a good feeling to know that doesn't change when a breakup occurs. I actually think my ex was a pissed when he saw all the support his family gave me during our split.

 

for some reason i cant bring myself to unpack these last few boxes. I think its because my whole situation is all becoming very real. Its like unpacking that last box symbolizes that I never get to go back to my home. Sad but true. I also don't have any where to put the crap! I went from a 1500 square foot condo to a small one bedroom apartment that I share with 3 cats and two dogs!

 

I am running a marathon this weekend! I have been training for this all summer long. I am really excited. Lots of people say running a marathon is a life changing event and I just keep thinking Oh please let it be true!! I know I am not going to cross that finish line and be a new person but maybe it will help me see my situation in a different light... who knows! I just know I am excited!!

 

I think we might have to have like 50 posts or something before we can personal message someone. not 100% positive though.

[MsOptimist]

I'm so glad you still have a great relationship with your ex's mom and family. That gives me hope that I can maintain my relationship with my inlaws. My mom has lots of issues so my MIL has been more of a mom to me too.

 

I'm worried about not having enough space too. I'm going from a 1100 sq ft house to 800 sq ft place - not a huge difference, but the new place feels a lot smaller even with no furniture.

 

I ran my first full last year and it is life changing!!! This is the perfect time for you to be running it, you'll gain new perspective on everything. It made me know without a doubt that I can get through anything. You will do great!! Just believe in yourself and even when things are tough keep pushing through. I still remember seeing the finish line for the first time, and the relief of crossing it was amazing. I wonder if you're running the same one I ran last year (it's a big one) that one is this weekend. I'm so excited for you, you will learn so much about yourself. When I'm able to message you I'll tell you which one I ran last year.

 

I'm running a half in 3 weeks. I've run 4 halves before but this one has a giant bridge - my goal has been to just get over the physical and metaphorical bridge

[ace5950]

I'm so glad you still have a great relationship with your ex's mom and family. That gives me hope that I can maintain my relationship with my inlaws. My mom has lots of issues so my MIL has been more of a mom to me too.

 

I'm worried about not having enough space too. I'm going from a 1100 sq ft house to 800 sq ft place - not a huge difference, but the new place feels a lot smaller even with no furniture.

 

I ran my first full last year and it is life changing!!! This is the perfect time for you to be running it, you'll gain new perspective on everything. It made me know without a doubt that I can get through anything. You will do great!! Just believe in yourself and even when things are tough keep pushing through. I still remember seeing the finish line for the first time, and the relief of crossing it was amazing. I wonder if you're running the same one I ran last year (it's a big one) that one is this weekend. I'm so excited for you, you will learn so much about yourself. When I'm able to message you I'll tell you which one I ran last year.

 

I'm running a half in 3 weeks. I've run 4 halves before but this one has a giant bridge - my goal has been to just get over the physical and metaphorical bridge

 

 

This is what I am hoping for! I know its not like I am going to cross the finish line and poof be healed but I really think after doing this, I will finally start to believe how strong I really am! However I am really disappointed that he is not going to be a part of this. This is by far (excluding graduating college) the biggest thing I have ever accomplished. I have worked so hard to be able to do this and Its going to make me sad to see other husbands/boyfriends supporting their loved ones. Luckily I have a few good girlfriends that are coming to support me and to tell you the truth I don't even know if he would be there supporting me if we were together. When i ran my first half last year he didn't even wish me good luck because he "just didn't think it was that big of a deal". It would be nice to at least get a "good luck" text but I am not holding my breath... one thing I decided long ago is that he is going going to ruin this day for me!

[GuyInLimbo]

When i ran my first half last year he didn't even wish me good luck because he "just didn't think it was that big of a deal".

 

That's just cold.

[MsOptimist]

This is what I am hoping for! I know its not like I am going to cross the finish line and poof be healed but I really think after doing this, I will finally start to believe how strong I really am! However I am really disappointed that he is not going to be a part of this. This is by far (excluding graduating college) the biggest thing I have ever accomplished. I have worked so hard to be able to do this and Its going to make me sad to see other husbands/boyfriends supporting their loved ones. Luckily I have a few good girlfriends that are coming to support me and to tell you the truth I don't even know if he would be there supporting me if we were together. When i ran my first half last year he didn't even wish me good luck because he "just didn't think it was that big of a deal". It would be nice to at least get a "good luck" text but I am not holding my breath... one thing I decided long ago is that he is going going to ruin this day for me!

 

You without a doubt will see your strength in a new light. You are already stronger for having completed the training - that's almost harder than the race! I won't lie that the final 6 miles are TOUGH, but you will get through them. Just keep going, one mile at a time, one step at a time. Repeat a mantra in your head, draw energy from the people around you and the crowd. Envision the finish line.

 

Mile 24 was my worst mile by far, but I got through it and actually 25 was great, I discovered a renewed energy and picked up the pace even. Lately I liken my current divorce situation to my mile 24 of the marathon - so then I remind myself of how mile 25 got better and the relief and victory of the finish line was worth all of the pain.

 

My first half was out of town, where most of my inlaws live. My husband did go with me, but I don't think I got a Good Luck before the race either. He ran the 5k and seemed annoyed that he had to be there early since my half started before his 5k. When we would run races together I'd say Good Luck to him and he wouldn't say it to me.

 

My full was out of town as well and he didn't go with me, that hurt. He knew how important that was to me, but he "hates that city." I was staying with friends so I had people there with me, but I understand what it's like to not have his support in person. He congratulated me afterwards, and even made a really nice facebook status congratulating me as well, but it would have meant much more for him to be there in person. He didn't have anything else that he HAD to do that weekend. It was such a big marathon that I knew the date of it practically a year in advance.

 

Anyways, your full this weekend is a HUGE deal - you'll be one of the 1% of the population who has run a marathon!! Is it Saturday or Sunday? I will at least wish you luck on here

[GuyInLimbo]

I forgot to wish you luck as well!!

[ace5950]

Its Sunday! Thanks for the good luck wishes! I cant wait!

[MsOptimist]

I'm half moved into my new place today. Should be all moved in by tomorrow. It's my last night in my house and it's been a rough day. It was just my mother in law and myself for most of the day, but my stbx helped move some big things. His presence wasn't good, I didn't speak to him or look at him because I was on the verge of tears if I did.

 

Upon returning home I asked him to stop by the house because we had some last minute things to go over. I had been putting it off for a couple weeks to avoid talking to him and I didn't want to put it off further since it involved items to move or not.

 

We communicated fine but oh my I was a mess. Cried the whole time. Just seeing him here and talking with me was such a setback. After 1.5 hours he got his coat and said he was leaving. I was near sobbing by that point and he just said he'd see me in the morning and walked out. Sobbing turned hysterical. I hate that he can't even hug me or say he's sorry for causing all of this pain. But from reading posts here I know I'm not supposed to look to him for comfort - I wanted to though.

 

I even texted him that I half wanted him to stay here tonight and that I didn't think today would be as hard as it was. He said it'll be better in the long run and that it's not easy for him. I responded that it seemed easy for him. He said it's anything but easy.

 

Major setback with so much contact on top of it being hard moving out my stuff. This hurts so damn bad. If I had any idea how bad this would hurt I wouldn't have gotten married.

[Yasuandio]

I'm half moved into my new place today. Should be all moved in by tomorrow. It's my last night in my house and it's been a rough day. It was just my mother in law and myself for most of the day, but my stbx helped move some big things. His presence wasn't good, I didn't speak to him or look at him because I was on the verge of tears if I did.

 

Upon returning home I asked him to stop by the house because we had some last minute things to go over. I had been putting it off for a couple weeks to avoid talking to him and I didn't want to put it off further since it involved items to move or not.

 

We communicated fine but oh my I was a mess. Cried the whole time. Just seeing him here and talking with me was such a setback. After 1.5 hours he got his coat and said he was leaving. I was near sobbing by that point and he just said he'd see me in the morning and walked out. Sobbing turned hysterical. I hate that he can't even hug me or say he's sorry for causing all of this pain. But from reading posts here I know I'm not supposed to look to him for comfort - I wanted to though.

 

I even texted him that I half wanted him to stay here tonight and that I didn't think today would be as hard as it was. He said it'll be better in the long run and that it's not easy for him. I responded that it seemed easy for him. He said it's anything but easy.

 

Major setback with so much contact on top of it being hard moving out my stuff. This hurts so damn bad. If I had any idea how bad this would hurt I wouldn't have gotten married.

 

Is there any way you can leave him out of the mechanics of moving? Perhaps ask that he stay away while you pick the final load?

 

Honey, you know that whole scene was a recipe for hurt feelings, right? I'm sure he was feeling same, but expresses (doesn't express) differently.

 

I see your new place as a private island for you to begin anew. It seems contraindicated to let him into your new space at this time. What do you think? Yas