Moving out and divorcing

[FocusOnMe]

Wow, how does your H feel about this? My in-laws basically cut contact as soon as we announced our split (tho my MIL sent some rather tasteless emails to my husband until I pointed out that I too saw them). I was quite hurt by that, as I've always been very kind to them, but this is part of the price one pays for a divorce.

 

My In laws contacted me after the very first separation...but after the final separation I never heard from any of them, none of his aunts, or sisters, called me to just say "hey, we are thinking about you!" 15 years of marriage and 19 years together to be swept away like a ball of dust and disregarded as someone that was never there just hurts....I think about this alot....

[MsOptimist]

My move is complete and my stbx did help out on the 2nd day and I was ok around him. I did cry a lot when I made one final trip to the house to get my animals. We also said a last goodbye and that was really hard. He did hug me and I appreciated that. He still said he plans to visit and I didn't argue about that stuff. I did tell him that I deserve better and that this is not my loss.

 

He emailed me this morning saying that I left something, and he also said, "Last night was horrible for me, just so you know." I'm glad he at least admits it was rough on him - he also did cry a little when we said goodbye. I know he has feelings somewhere deep down.

 

His mom and I had several talks yesterday while we were unpacking and shopping. She said he has always had very low self esteem. I told her some of the cruel things he has said to me during this, and she said that's the low self esteem talking. She was telling me about other family members, on both sides, who struggle with depression and don't deal well with big issues. Sounds like it runs heavily in their family. She's very glad that I'm in therapy and will continue to be in therapy.

 

My first night in my new place was ok. Cable is working yet so I threw on a couple movies while I unpacked. My cat is starting to explore and she sticks to me like glue. It feels much more homey with all of my stuff there.

 

I'm tired today and it's cold and dreary outside - that with it being a Sunday doesn't help my mood much. Feels cold and lonely. But I have errands to run and I'll make a nice dinner, throw on another movie while I unpack and snuggle up with my kitty. I'm looking forward to getting into a routine with work and running and everything. I should have gone running today but didn't have the energy. I want to get most of the boxes unpacked, I feel better not looking at the boxed clutter.

 

ACE - Can't wait to hear how your marathon went!! I thought about you this morning!!

[Yasuandio]

MsO and Ace,

 

I so admire you both for your athelic abilities - and your focus on these marathons despite your marital difficulties. I am so non-athletic it's pathetic! So - you guys really impress me - and inspire me to at least try and move a bit. My illness (bi-polar 2) and the required drugs really don't help matters at all. And thru the almost 4 year separation, and recent divorce, along with husband's shenanagans with PI's and stalking, - my tendency towards agoraphobia - has now become my life style.

 

I am so totally working on it now that the divorce has concluded - going to therapy twice a week. I want to try to start to walk the dogs, I think that is a reasonable exercise for me (normally, they just run around in the huge fensed yard). I'm not fat or anything - but I am very weak. I just got some leaches this afternoon - because I was inspired by your posts! I know, it will be rediculiously slow - maybe I can get past 3 houses to start - or maybe it will just be in the yard. Isn't that pathetic?

 

Ladies, you will get thru this! You are much stronger than I, and I got thru it - and hold my head high. It was not easy. I will tell you that. Especially being older now - and recently accepting that I have the bi-polar desease - that is scary. But, I am a smart intelligent woman, I have a decent settlement, a nice home, beatiful things, sweet doggies, and I have private disability insurance and SS disability, and Medicare. I am lucky, much luckier than others end up with my situation. We all gotta count our blessings. Don't you agree? Thank you for your inspiration. I will keep you posted - once I get the nerve to go out into the neighborhood with the doggies. Yas

[karnak]

My In laws contacted me after the very first separation...but after the final separation I never heard from any of them, none of his aunts, or sisters, called me to just say "hey, we are thinking about you!" 15 years of marriage and 19 years together to be swept away like a ball of dust and disregarded as someone that was never there just hurts....I think about this alot....

 

In my eyes this kind of situation just proves how hypocrit some people are. To me it just states that they never liked you as a person. They just interacted with you because you were married to one of their own.

 

This makes me think. And a lot.

 

Most marriages are a fraud, in the end. We enter a relationship, thinking that we know who are talking and interacting with. And, in the end, after several years of relationship, we just discover that these person were real strangers to us. And we were reals strangers to them.

 

Sad. Really sad.

[ace5950]

The Marathon was awesome!!! My legs felt like lead when I hit mile 18 and I just wanted to be done!! This is by far the hardest I have ever had to work for something but it was totally worth it. Knowing that I litteraly felt like I could not go any further but still pushed myself felt great. Plus I raised some money for an awesome charity!

 

When I started running I could not even run a mile. My first 5k was 45 minutes and that is now my 8k time! I started running 3 years ago because the only time in my day when I was not taking care of someone was when I was on my way to work, or sleeping! I work long hours with kids, and would come home to take care of my pets and my ex. This year is the first year I have really pushed myself. I think being on my own for the first time ever has made me see how strong I am. At my last half I PRed by 29 minutes! I also started going to a fun run on Wednesdays with all women at a local running store. Training for this Marathon has really helped me through my break up so now that its over reality might set in.

 

I still need to unpack a few boxes, hang pictures, go through stuff and de-clutter. I think I am ready to do this. I am ready for my place to really feel like home. I am happy for you that you are in your own place now! I felt so much relief when I was in my own home, with my stuff. I hope your animals adjust well. Mine took almost two months to adjust. one of the cats my ex kept got really depressed after I left and he ended up letting me take it home with me. I still do sometime let him see the dogs. I mainly do this for my advantage. If I am going out of town and need a dog sitter he is free, which is all I can afford right now. I know that this is not a solution forever but it will have to do for now.

[ace5950]

Omg lol wow u life is sad

 

I am going to choose not to feed into your ridiculousness. I mean, I ran a ****ing marathon today.. what did you do?

[MsOptimist]

ACE - Congratulations, Marathoner!!! I'm so happy for you, and that you pushed through when it got tough. I remember that the miles seemed to get a lot longer around mile 18/19. It sounds like you will do another marathon someday!

 

I also remember the days when it felt like I would die just running to the end of my block. I remember what it felt like to finally be able to run 1 mile. It all starts somewhere - YAS, I think it is great that you want to start exercising more. Walking the dogs is a great way to start a routine of getting exercise, and I'm sure it will help cope with the bipolar. I'm sure it is very difficult to come to terms with dealing with that. But you ARE strong, I can tell just by reading your posts.

 

I'm glad that you are now ready to unpack further and start making your new place your home, Ace. I feel better without the boxes (I still have a few left). I have some pictures hung and want to decorate further, but I'll do that slowly since I'm on a budget right now.

 

I'm 3 nights into my new place and so far so good. I like it inside but am still getting used to the area - so much busier and diverse my small town I've lived in for the past 10 years. It's a big adjustment for me.

 

Yesterday I ended up stopping at the old house because I left some things by mistake. My stbx set them aside for me to pick up while he was at work. Seeing the house was kind of a good thing - yes, it was sad, but it also felt cold and empty from where all of my stuff was. I took as much furniture as I could so he has had to do a lot of shifting to make up for the space. Doesn't feel homey like it used to.

 

I also did something that I wasn't sure if I should do - I left an email on the counter for him. It was a 10 yr old email from before we were engaged and he was telling me how hard it was for him to express emotion, even when he was alone. It's a very telling email looking back on it with what I know now. I left it there on the counter for him and I wrote on the bottom, "I wish I had understood the gravity of your words back then."

 

I didn't get any kind of response from that gesture, but I'm not expecting to. I had therapy late yesterday and the therapist thinks it was a good for me leaving that there as a reminder and something for him to think about. In the email he also said how much he missed me and wanted me there everyday, forever - I was living out of state at the time and it said that it took me moving away and him losing me to realize what he lost and wanted. I wish I knew what went through his mind rereading that - but I know I shouldn't worry about that. Just wanted to give him something to think about - I initially only printed it off to share in a therapy session with my therapist, but I still had the print out with me yesterday.

[ace5950]

I did something like you did too. I left all the love letters, cards and things he left me over the years for him to read. I don't think he ever read them but who knows. Its almost impossible for my ex to show emotion too. He did cry several times when over the core of our break up though and I'm pretty sure it was not something he really wanted. In one of the emails he had sent me he said he knew he made a mistake from he beginning but didn't want to go back on what he said because he would make him look like least of a man.

 

I actually saw him on Friday. Not sure yet if it was a good thing or bad. I feel like he is a completely different person then I knew 6 months ago. Sometimes I look at him and think "who the heck are you". After this last visit I am unsure how I feel about him. I know I still love him but I question if I even like him... If that makes sense. I thought that I wanted to try and work things out but now I'm not so sure. Its like I see him under a whole new light now that I am not with him. our good friend had a baby a few weeks ago and I asked him if he had heard and if she sent him a birth announcement. he said no she didn't sent him.knew and when I said I thought that was strange as we have all been friends for 15 years his reply was that he really didn't care. I know he's not as close with them as I am but when someone you have been friends with for half your life you should care! O think he's even been friends with her husband since middle school!

 

 

I know exactly what you feel when you went into your old house! I have had that feeling many many times. I too 90% of the pictures on the wall and the place just seems empty and cold now. It doesn't even feel like a home. I know I definitely have a codependent insure with my ex. I really feel sorry for him. I think he has depression and

[ace5950]

Oops... Anyways I think he has depression and Is too proud to get help. It just makes me sad that I can't help him like I want to or wish I could.

[GuyInLimbo]

Congrats on the marathon, Ace!

[MsOptimist]

Your ex is so similar to mine - I can imagine mine saying the same thing, if he realizes that this is a mistake he'll be too proud to go back on it now, especially now that things are so permanent with my moving out. And all the help from his side of the family.

 

I think my stbx is also suffering from depression and many people have reinforced that to me based on his behavior. Mine is definitely too proud to get help, I don't think he believes in counseling.

 

He also "doesn't care" about so many things. He really only cares about himself, and I'm sad for him.

 

I also took most of the pictures of us - I'm a sentimental person and can't throw those away just yet, but I at least want to box them up. I did leave some of them at the house as a reminder for him. I left 2 hanging on the walls, one of us on our wedding day and one of the groomsmen on our wedding day. I was curious to see if he took them down in the house, and he didn't.

[ace5950]

Your ex is so similar to mine - I can imagine mine saying the same thing, if he realizes that this is a mistake he'll be too proud to go back on it now, especially now that things are so permanent with my moving out. And all the help from his side of the family.

 

I think my stbx is also suffering from depression and many people have reinforced that to me based on his behavior. Mine is definitely too proud to get help, I don't think he believes in counseling.

 

He also "doesn't care" about so many things. He really only cares about himself, and I'm sad for him.

 

I also took most of the pictures of us - I'm a sentimental person and can't throw those away just yet, but I at least want to box them up. I did leave some of them at the house as a reminder for him. I left 2 hanging on the walls, one of us on our wedding day and one of the groomsmen on our wedding day. I was curious to see if he took them down in the house, and he didn't.

 

I left a picture too but hes since taken it down. I didn't expect him to leave it up... i think I just left it up as a **** you sort of thing. We really are in such similar situations.

 

How is your apartment coming? Are you enjoying it? do you feel relieved yet?? One of the things I have had the hardest time with was going from spending almost everyday for the past 7+ years with someone to not having them in my life at all anymore. I would find myself wanting to text him to tell him something and then I would remember I cant!

 

I have spent two nights in the past week with my ex... and I am not sure how I feel about this. I know I still love him, and miss him but I question if he is able to give me what I want in a relationship. All the things before that annoyed me about him (his drinking, gambling, smoking, working a ton) that I just dealt with are all kinda like mini red flags now. Its been really nice to see him and spend some time with him but I am wondering if I am just caught up in what I thought we had in the past. We were almost like a working dysfunctional couple for the past 7 years and I don't really want that anymore. I have lots of other friends with wonderful husbands that support them in whatever they do and I wish that is something I could have.

 

I saw him the day before my race and he did wish me luck. The day of my race he texted me "did you tear it up". That is his way of saying good job I guess..... Its stupid little things like that that annoy me. Can't you just say congratulations or great job I am proud of you? Its like its too hard for him to just be proud of me and I don't get it. I know this may sound stupid and petty but it really erked me! I know hes not a runner so he really has no idea how hard it is to run a marathon but you can still say congrats! I had tons of texts and facebook posts from people who I barley talk to, and my friends husbands congratulating me but all he can give me is a did you tear it up??

 

Oh why can life be all gum drops and lolly pops?!

[Yasuandio]

I left a picture too but hes since taken it down. I didn't expect him to leave it up... i think I just left it up as a **** you sort of thing. We really are in such similar situations.

 

How is your apartment coming? Are you enjoying it? do you feel relieved yet?? One of the things I have had the hardest time with was going from spending almost everyday for the past 7+ years with someone to not having them in my life at all anymore. I would find myself wanting to text him to tell him something and then I would remember I cant!

 

I have spent two nights in the past week with my ex... and I am not sure how I feel about this. I know I still love him, and miss him but I question if he is able to give me what I want in a relationship. All the things before that annoyed me about him (his drinking, gambling, smoking, working a ton) that I just dealt with are all kinda like mini red flags now. Its been really nice to see him and spend some time with him but I am wondering if I am just caught up in what I thought we had in the past. We were almost like a working dysfunctional couple for the past 7 years and I don't really want that anymore. I have lots of other friends with wonderful husbands that support them in whatever they do and I wish that is something I could have.

 

I saw him the day before my race and he did wish me luck. The day of my race he texted me "did you tear it up". That is his way of saying good job I guess..... Its stupid little things like that that annoy me. Can't you just say congratulations or great job I am proud of you? Its like its too hard for him to just be proud of me and I don't get it. I know this may sound stupid and petty but it really erked me! I know hes not a runner so he really has no idea how hard it is to run a marathon but you can still say congrats! I had tons of texts and facebook posts from people who I barley talk to, and my friends husbands congratulating me but all he can give me is a did you tear it up??

 

Oh why can life be all gum drops and lolly pops?!

 

Is it possible you may be jusdging him to harshly? Maybe he was just begining to start a convo, when he asked the question, "did you tear it up?" I mean the question does show an interest in what you were doing.

 

Suppose you had responded "Yeah, baby, you better believe I tore it up!" Tht kind of response may have opened the door for a compliment like you were looking for - such as "Congratulations!" Or, "Tell me more!" or "Bravo!" What do you think? Yas

[MsOptimist]

My married friends all have supportive husbands too - now that we've separated, so many people have told me that they never felt like my stbx has been a very good life partner. I agree with that - he's not supportive and just doesn't care about the big things that I think spouses should care about.

 

A major big thing lately is my mom's healthcare situation. I'm her representative and have had to do a lot of her paperwork and finance stuff lately to get additional approvals that she needs - he never once asked if he could help me with anything, and when I told him that it was stressing me out he just didn't care. If the situation was reversed and it was his mom's healthcare and the details fell on his shoulders, I would try to help in whatever way I could.

 

I understand how you felt about that race comment - at least he did ask how it went, in his own way. My stbx could never say he was proud of me either and that always bugged me.

 

So far I'm liking my apartment - I'm all unpacked and I feel comfortable in it. I kind of like having things how I want them and being on my own schedule. But yes, I do miss coming home to someone. My animals are still extra clingy with all of the changes, so I have them at least.

 

I texted by stbx last night - I have birds and I let them fly outside of their room for the first time last night, and it didn't go so well (they have to change flight patterns, etc.). I wanted him to know that that didn't go well so I texted him that it didn't. All I got back in response was, "Sorry to hear that." He didn't ask if they were ok or anything. One of the birds was "his" bird (that he didn't want to keep), she adores him to pieces. I thought he'd at least be more concerned about how she is doing.

 

I find myself wondering what he's doing or if he's on a date or something. I try to stop that train of thought if it crosses my mind.

 

I sent my inlaws thank-you cards this week and they emailed back saying that I'm still family, etc. That makes me feel good.

[ace5950]

Is it possible you may be jusdging him to harshly? Maybe he was just begining to start a convo, when he asked the question, "did you tear it up?" I mean the question does show an interest in what you were doing.

 

Suppose you had responded "Yeah, baby, you better believe I tore it up!" Tht kind of response may have opened the door for a compliment like you were looking for - such as "Congratulations!" Or, "Tell me more!" or "Bravo!" What do you think? Yas

 

 

I did respond with something along the lines of "it was great! but it hurts to move" After that he never said anything like great job, or congrats. You are right the question does show interest and that much did make happy because he didn't have to text me at all that day. I was a little frustrated that he could not just tell me he was proud of me or congrats but for now I am accepting that he is at least showing a slight interest.

[MsOptimist]

I got an email yesterday (Monday morning at work, of all times for this) - it was a long email, in a nice tone, asking about various things concerning the computer, animals, etc. Then the last paragraph said that he had been meaning to send me some forms and that we need to move forward at some point. I got an email immediately after that one with the forms attached - the settlement agreement and complaint for divorce.

 

Nothing is filled out or filed, he just said that I should look these over and we need to figure them out.

 

All of these next steps sting really bad, like it's twisting the knife that's still sticking out of my heart. Maybe it's still the quick timing of everything - it hasn't even been 2 months since the bomb was dropped. And in the past 2 weeks my focus has been entirely on my move and settling into my new lifestyle.

 

I know the process has to happen at some point, but it still hurts looking at it there in print. I addressed all of the points in his email except for the forms. All I said was that I still need patience and compassion from him (he did ask if I needed him to do anything).

 

9 years of marriage and 13 years total and I get these lovely forms in an email on Monday morning at work. I know there's no "good time" for any of this, but surely there's a better time than less than 2 months into this mess and first thing to start off the week?

[ace5950]

Wow. That really sucks. I know you must already be stressed to the max by the breakup/move alone. I know things really started to get hard for me when reality started to set in. For the first couple months I was in a fog and when the fog finally started to clear I hit a whole new low. Even though you know its coming I am sure its even harder since he wants to make it official. If you were still holding out any hope that you might be able to work on things I am sure all that has gone out the window with him bringing up the legal aspect of it all. I am surprised he doesn't want at least a few months separation before proceeding with the divorce. This is all happening way quick and I am sure you are kind feeling like WTF?

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm sure it's because those forms represent the finality if it all. But, you'll soldier through it. I think once everything is signed, it will be like going on a first sky dive. Once you do it, it can be exhilarating (or so I've been told!).

[MsOptimist]

Yes, both accurate words, Ace and GIL, reality is setting in and these papers do represent the finality of something that wasn't my choice.

 

Ace, I'm worried about crashing down hard - so far living on my own has been better than I initially anticipated. This past week and a half has been easier than I imagined it to be, and I wonder if I'll come crashing down at some point.

 

I'd like to think I'm facing all of this head on, and pretty well overall, but the forms yesterday knocked me down a few pegs to reality.

 

I tried a running group here for the first time last night, it was great. A friend met up with me and I met some new people. Trying out another group run tonight. I did get a little lonely driving home alone in the dark, thinking about those forms. But like GIL said, I'm trying to just soldier on. I'm not ready just yet to start filling out those forms - we'll likely have to do that together at some point. When that'll be, I don't know.

[ace5950]

One thing I realized is that I am way to hard on myself. Both my friends and my therapist have brought this up to me. I keep thinking that I am not at the place where I want to be and they keep reminding me that I just spent half of my life with this guy and its okay to be a little down still. I really lost my mind for a few months. I kept losing things, or not remembering if I did things or not. I started to get scared that I was going to get fired from my job because I was a mess. I lost over 20lbs and looked horrible. Sometimes I would lay in bed and think WTF happened? Where did my life go?! I actually still think that but its much less painful.

 

Awesome about the running group! I am going to do this Tuesday night run thing with 2 girls I met during my summer training program. Its a more social then running but we meet at a bar, go on a 2-6 mile run and then come back for a beer and food. I figured it was a good way to get out of the house and meet some more people. My winter half training starts November 10th and goes till the end of January so that should keep me somewhat busy during those months.

 

Take your time on the papers. There is no need to rush and have them done. Who knows maybe one day you will wake up and actually want to sign them!

[MsOptimist]

One thing I realized is that I am way to hard on myself. Both my friends and my therapist have brought this up to me. I keep thinking that I am not at the place where I want to be and they keep reminding me that I just spent half of my life with this guy and its okay to be a little down still. I really lost my mind for a few months. I kept losing things, or not remembering if I did things or not. I started to get scared that I was going to get fired from my job because I was a mess. I lost over 20lbs and looked horrible. Sometimes I would lay in bed and think WTF happened? Where did my life go?! I actually still think that but its much less painful.

 

Awesome about the running group! I am going to do this Tuesday night run thing with 2 girls I met during my summer training program. Its a more social then running but we meet at a bar, go on a 2-6 mile run and then come back for a beer and food. I figured it was a good way to get out of the house and meet some more people. My winter half training starts November 10th and goes till the end of January so that should keep me somewhat busy during those months.

 

Take your time on the papers. There is no need to rush and have them done. Who knows maybe one day you will wake up and actually want to sign them!

 

Sometimes I get a similar feeling laying in bed, thinking, "I can't believe this is where I am!" I've lost about 9 lbs in all of this and haven't been able to put it back on - I'm small to begin with so that's a lot for me. That with all of the stress seems to have made my runs a little faster lately.

 

That group sounds fantastic! I hope there's a group like that here. After the run last night they brought pizzas to the running store and we all stood around talking and eating pizza. The more people I surround myself with these days, the better.

 

I was talking to a friend about dating last week - not that I want to date any time soon, it's the last thing I want to do right now. But I was talking about my fears of dating in the future, fears of falling into this similar situation, fears of being alone for a long time, etc. My friend is single and was telling me to not think about an end-goal or expectations. Whenever dating is an option, to just think about it like meeting new people and hanging out with people. I thought those pieces of advice were good. I DO want to be married again later on in life, but I don't want to put so much pressure on that or on myself. I know I need to be alone right now and figure out myself.

 

I hope I can wake up one day to want to sign the papers. I am so back and forth on things like this - I wanted him to stay in the house when we lived together, but I didn't want him there at the same time. I want someone who treats me better than how he's treating me now, but I don't want to sign these papers yet.

[ace5950]

That is great dating advice! I am terrified of dating... i mean TERRIFIED! Right now I have no desire to date too. I know I need to work on myself a lot so I don't end up in the same situation I just ended. I figure for now what happens, happens but I am not going looking for anything! I haven't been single since I was 17 so I just have no idea how this works. Its all very scary!! ha! My single friends all love it and I hope that one day I be okay with it.

[MsOptimist]

That is great dating advice! I am terrified of dating... i mean TERRIFIED! Right now I have no desire to date too. I know I need to work on myself a lot so I don't end up in the same situation I just ended. I figure for now what happens, happens but I am not going looking for anything! I haven't been single since I was 17 so I just have no idea how this works. Its all very scary!! ha! My single friends all love it and I hope that one day I be okay with it.

 

I'm already terrified of dating. Working on myself so that I don't end up in this situation is part of the reason that I want to continue with therapy. It will be hard to trust again. I imagine it will also be hard to not make comparisons to our exes or to paranoid about trying to find red flags.

 

I'm not looking forward to it at all. And I have no idea how it works either. I had dinner with a friend last week, she divorced last year. She is just now thinking she's ready to start dating and she says it's so much different than meeting people in, say, college. She's thinking about online dating. It was good to at least share some common thoughts and concerns about how to do this (whenever that time comes for me).

 

Maybe it'll be like my divorce forms - that eventually we'll want to start dating again instead of dreading the thought of it.

[Tiberius]

9 years? Do you happen to live in one of those states where an equtable devision of all assets only happens after 10 years of marriage? Sounds like he is trying to get out with a good deal.

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm already terrified of dating. Working on myself so that I don't end up in this situation is part of the reason that I want to continue with therapy. It will be hard to trust again. I imagine it will also be hard to not make comparisons to our exes or to paranoid about trying to find red flags.

 

I'm not looking forward to it at all. And I have no idea how it works either. I had dinner with a friend last week, she divorced last year. She is just now thinking she's ready to start dating and she says it's so much different than meeting people in, say, college. She's thinking about online dating. It was good to at least share some common thoughts and concerns about how to do this (whenever that time comes for me).

 

Maybe it'll be like my divorce forms - that eventually we'll want to start dating again instead of dreading the thought of it.

 

If you start doing the comparisons to your ex, then that's a sign you're not ready for sure. Although, I'm sure that's very difficult to NOT do. But, I don't think it's something you need to put pressure on yourself OR even bother thinking about for, say, the next year (one-night booty calls not withstanding). Thinking about that now just adds to the pressure you have on you now and it's not necessary.

 

I've read a lot about making lists of what type of person you want to be with. Maybe start making one? Anyone here do that as part of their new dating life?

 

Let's hope, for all our sakes, that there's simply less game-playing at 40+ than there was in our 20s. Ugh.