Moving out and divorcing

[MsOptimist]

9 years? Do you happen to live in one of those states where an equtable devision of all assets only happens after 10 years of marriage? Sounds like he is trying to get out with a good deal.

 

No, I don't live in a state where that applies. He's also being extremely generous and reasonable about what I have taken, even expensive items that he purchased with his own money instead of joint money - I think that's out of guilt. Our case is very straight forward and he's not arguing on anything.

[MsOptimist]

If you start doing the comparisons to your ex, then that's a sign you're not ready for sure. Although, I'm sure that's very difficult to NOT do. But, I don't think it's something you need to put pressure on yourself OR even bother thinking about for, say, the next year (one-night booty calls not withstanding). Thinking about that now just adds to the pressure you have on you now and it's not necessary.

 

I've read a lot about making lists of what type of person you want to be with. Maybe start making one? Anyone here do that as part of their new dating life?

 

Let's hope, for all our sakes, that there's simply less game-playing at 40+ than there was in our 20s. Ugh.

 

Yes, I sure hope that the 30s and 40s crowd will play less games!

 

Just to re-iterate, none of this dating talk means that I am remotely thinking of dating right now. I'm a firm believer in not dating until the divorce is final, and even then I know it will be too soon (it doesn't take long once the process is started in my state).

[MsOptimist]

I got a lot of texts from my stbx a couple nights ago. I ran a half marathon that day and he texted in the evening asking how it was - I really wasn't expecting him to ask, since he hasn't asked about it since before this whole bomb was dropped. I replied, "Great, I PR'd" meaning that I got a new personal record.

 

I tried to give very short answers to his questions and he kept asking questions - what was my time, how many minutes was that better than my previous PR, were there lots of people, etc. I was surprised by how many questions kept coming. Then he asked about the animals, how they were, when I am taking my dog for the weekend, etc.

 

He asked if he could do anything to help in any way. I wanted to reply, "You've done enough damage," but refrained from getting snippy. He said that if I ever had a problem or needed anything he'd hope I'd let him know so he can help. I thought for a long time how to respond to that one. I don't plan on asking him for help with anything, but I do need help with my therapy bill. Since he's the reason I'm in therapy, I told him that. I'm not trying to get any money from him in general, but if he helps with that bill that would greatly help me out. And he agreed to do so.

 

I was caught off guard by so many texts. But now it's been 2 days and I haven't heard from him. I don't know why he was suddenly interested in my race.

 

Karma is a ***** though - I heard he broke his ribs. He won't be getting any sympathy emails/calls/texts from me, not a word.

[Lucky_n_Love]

I love that you asked him to help with your therapy bill!

 

And I love it even more that he said 'yes'!

[MsOptimist]

I love that you asked him to help with your therapy bill!

 

And I love it even more that he said 'yes'!

 

I had been debating for awhile to ask him about help with that bill! I've even talked to my therapist about that. My insurance co isn't covering any of it, and my therapist has been trying to help me appeal to get at least a little coverage, and so far the ins. co. isn't budging.

 

I didn't want to come outright asking my stbx for money to help with it, but his text the other night gave me the right opportunity. I am glad he's willing to help with it. I think he feels guilty. He is also giving me our desktop computer and he said the next time he sees me he'll give me the computer and some money.

[ace5950]

That's awesome he's helping you with that. I wish my ex would help with my therapy bills. I did make my ex pay for half of the vet bills that I paid right after we split.

Between all our animals I ended up with 2,100 in vet bills.

[MsOptimist]

That's awesome he's helping you with that. I wish my ex would help with my therapy bills. I did make my ex pay for half of the vet bills that I paid right after we split.

Between all our animals I ended up with 2,100 in vet bills.

 

I know the feeling! Last month I asked him to buy all of the flea meds (I had been footing the bill for that monthly, and with moving costs I didn't want the extra expense). He's also continuing to pay car insurance until the next time it has to be renewed, which is in January. That helps me out a lot.

 

Now I only have to buy flea meds for 1 cat, which is a huge difference - we had fleas in the summer and they're finally gone so we were having to buy monthly doses for 3 cats and 1 dog. That got very expensive!

 

Luckily all our animals are up to date on their vet checks for awhile.

[MsOptimist]

Bad day yesterday - I found out that my building does not allow dogs at all, no visits, nothing. I rent a condo and it's the condo association rule and I will get fined if I have my dog over. My property management company is proving to be incompetent - had I known this dog rule I likely would have kept looking for a place that allows dogs (my other animals that I have are fine, at least they knew about that). Although I was on a time crunch and finding a good place in my budget that was good for the birds was proving hard.

 

So now I cannot have my dog in my place at all - I was supposed to have her this weekend and next weekend. I am so mad at my stbx for putting me in this situation in the first place. I hope he now feels even more guilt over everything, he knows how much my dog means to me. If he lost contact with her he'd be crushed. He still claims that I can pick her up anytime, or he can bring her to me - but really, taking her to a park for an hour or two isn't the same.

[ace5950]

Bad day yesterday - I found out that my building does not allow dogs at all, no visits, nothing. I rent a condo and it's the condo association rule and I will get fined if I have my dog over. My property management company is proving to be incompetent - had I known this dog rule I likely would have kept looking for a place that allows dogs (my other animals that I have are fine, at least they knew about that). Although I was on a time crunch and finding a good place in my budget that was good for the birds was proving hard.

 

So now I cannot have my dog in my place at all - I was supposed to have her this weekend and next weekend. I am so mad at my stbx for putting me in this situation in the first place. I hope he now feels even more guilt over everything, he knows how much my dog means to me. If he lost contact with her he'd be crushed. He still claims that I can pick her up anytime, or he can bring her to me - but really, taking her to a park for an hour or two isn't the same.

 

 

I am so sorry! Wow, that really stinks. I know how hard it is to find a place that takes animals. The only reason I'm in the apartment I am in now is because they were the only ones who would take me and my pets. It really stinks that you can't even have them come visit. As hard and expensive as it is to take care of my pets I know I would be lost with out them

[sapientia]

The fact he contacted you about your marathon (congrats!), offered help and paid your bill means he's starting to realize what he's lost. Go slow, but him initiating communication is a good sign, I think. People only initiate when they want something.

[MsOptimist]

The fact he contacted you about your marathon (congrats!), offered help and paid your bill means he's starting to realize what he's lost. Go slow, but him initiating communication is a good sign, I think. People only initiate when they want something.

 

What if all he wants is for me to fill out the divorce forms?

 

This was our exchange the other day when I found out about my dog, via text:

 

Me: I can't have Riley at my place at all, I will get fined by the condo association.

 

Him: :-(

 

Me: Thanks for putting me in this situation where now I've even lost my dog.

 

Him: I am a bad person, I get it. I am very sorry. You can come take her anytime or I can bring her up anytime. Don't think for a second that this hasn't been hard on me, and do not blame me for everything. What would you like me to do? Give me a realistic reasonable solution to implement.

 

 

I was so mad when he said not to blame him for everything - it takes all my willpower to not rip him a new one over text or email, for all of this. My therapist will be happy that more of my anger is coming out at least.

[sapientia]

Hi Ms.O. You need to let the anger go. Or use it. But spewing it back at him will only cause you to feel bad and him to lose respect for you. It natural for both of you to be furious though, fwiw.

 

I posted in my thread recently about my H's continued rudeness to me. I understand *why* he is angry, I'm compassionate about it even, but it doesn't make me think well of him at all. We'll see how he goes, I'm hurting too, but in the meantime I'm not letting him spew his negativity on me.

 

Now that you have a place, and some peace (I hope), you can take your time and try to find someplace for your pets. Sounds like you have a lot of them, so it may take some time. You are renting, I think? So you aren't stuck there forever.

 

And yes, its possible he is just 'being nice' to get you to sign the D papers. Does he have a history of being manipulative this way?

[MsOptimist]

Hi Ms.O. You need to let the anger go. Or use it. But spewing it back at him will only cause you to feel bad and him to lose respect for you. It natural for both of you to be furious though, fwiw.

 

I posted in my thread recently about my H's continued rudeness to me. I understand *why* he is angry, I'm compassionate about it even, but it doesn't make me think well of him at all. We'll see how he goes, I'm hurting too, but in the meantime I'm not letting him spew his negativity on me.

 

Now that you have a place, and some peace (I hope), you can take your time and try to find someplace for your pets. Sounds like you have a lot of them, so it may take some time. You are renting, I think? So you aren't stuck there forever.

 

And yes, its possible he is just 'being nice' to get you to sign the D papers. Does he have a history of being manipulative this way?

 

Good points. My anger is just starting to come out more so I do have to get it out in constructive ways. I am running a lot and exercising a lot.

 

I erased many worse snippy texts before I sent the one I quoted above. Part of me feels like he deserves the crap treatment he dished out to me - he has been cold and heartless and shown no empathy. He's only been somewhat "nicer" since the move.

 

Yes, I do rent, so that's a good point about this place being temporary.

 

He can be a little manipulative, but not in this way - he usually gets really defensive when he wants his way (to guilt trip me), he doesn't butter me up.

[Solcita2]

WOW. I just couldn't stop reading until I was done.

 

I admire you ladies, I really do.

 

I just wanted to add a couple of cents here.

 

When my ex left me, I was a mess, because I was supossed to move with him across the ocean, so I left my job, gave away lots of my stuff, rented storage, etc... and he left me a week before I went there.

My friends told me I should go anyway, and demand him to tell me in my face. But I didn't. In that particular moment I realize he didn't deserve me.

 

One of the things that helped me throught it all was that I was determined to not let him define who I was as a person or who I'd become.

It wasn't easy. But let's say, in your 80's, if you look back, wouldn't be lame to find out that your destiny was marked because one as****le broke your heart?

 

In the other hand, I don't think he's paying the bills because he realized what he lost. I think he's doing it out of guilt. The computer, the I'll take the dog wherever and whenever also... don't get use to that, because guilt will fade away... anger might come out and you will be the target.

That happened to a friend of mine. When she separated her husband told her to take everything she needed and wanted. But later, he asked her to pay for everything she took (as brand new of course). Then, he didn't want to sign for the divorce papers because he didn't want to pay for an attorney and told her that if she wanted the D so bad, to pay his attorney too...

 

So, be careful... you never know how they will react. I don't think he'll ever ask you for money or the stuff you took, but don't believe he's missing you and wanting you back only because he's helping you.

 

A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG HUG FOR YOU BOTH FROM ARGENTINA

[MsOptimist]

WOW. I just couldn't stop reading until I was done.

 

I admire you ladies, I really do.

 

I just wanted to add a couple of cents here.

 

When my ex left me, I was a mess, because I was supossed to move with him across the ocean, so I left my job, gave away lots of my stuff, rented storage, etc... and he left me a week before I went there.

My friends told me I should go anyway, and demand him to tell me in my face. But I didn't. In that particular moment I realize he didn't deserve me.

 

One of the things that helped me throught it all was that I was determined to not let him define who I was as a person or who I'd become.

It wasn't easy. But let's say, in your 80's, if you look back, wouldn't be lame to find out that your destiny was marked because one as****le broke your heart?

 

In the other hand, I don't think he's paying the bills because he realized what he lost. I think he's doing it out of guilt. The computer, the I'll take the dog wherever and whenever also... don't get use to that, because guilt will fade away... anger might come out and you will be the target.

That happened to a friend of mine. When she separated her husband told her to take everything she needed and wanted. But later, he asked her to pay for everything she took (as brand new of course). Then, he didn't want to sign for the divorce papers because he didn't want to pay for an attorney and told her that if she wanted the D so bad, to pay his attorney too...

 

So, be careful... you never know how they will react. I don't think he'll ever ask you for money or the stuff you took, but don't believe he's missing you and wanting you back only because he's helping you.

 

A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG HUG FOR YOU BOTH FROM ARGENTINA

 

Thanks, and you're right that I don't want him or this situation to define me. I think I'm pretty awesome and my friends and family are reminding me of that. It's his loss.

 

I also agree that the things he's doing are out of guilt. Do I want him to realize he's making a mistake and come crawling back? Yes, only for the satisfaction on my part. If that were to happen (I think it's pretty slim), I pray to God that I have enough strength to turn him down considering all he's put me through.

 

What you said about the anger and taking things back that he agreed upon is what I'm afraid of - that's why I'm trying super hard to not get snippy even though I've let a few snippy texts slip.

[ace5950]

sometimes I wonder if we were involved with the same man! ha! my ex did many things for Me out of guilt.... and he should of felt guilty for all the **** he did. during one of our breakup quarrels I said something like "thanks for taking my life away from me" to which he replied I needed a reality check. when in reality he made me leave our home that we owned, I came home from work to him telling me I had to.leave. my life totally got turned upside down while his basically stayed the same. he did take my life away but I'm slowly getting it back now, all on my own and it feels good. I don't think he has any idea how much pain he put me through.

[Solcita2]

sometimes I wonder if we were involved with the same man! ha! my ex did many things for Me out of guilt.... and he should of felt guilty for all the **** he did. during one of our breakup quarrels I said something like "thanks for taking my life away from me" to which he replied I needed a reality check. when in reality he made me leave our home that we owned, I came home from work to him telling me I had to.leave. my life totally got turned upside down while his basically stayed the same. he did take my life away but I'm slowly getting it back now, all on my own and it feels good. I don't think he has any idea how much pain he put me through.

 

Just a question. I know the house is in his name, and he payed most of it, but you helped with the decoration and stuff. Even when you were not legally married, you have no right to a part of the house because of the time you've been together? In my country if you live together for 5 years (and you can proove it) you have the same rights than a married couple. Meaning, if you separate, you have the right to ask for half of everything and so on...

A friend of mine lived with his gf for 12 years. Then she left and asked him half of his apartment (it was under his name, but he sold a previous one and bought this one when living with her), half of his car... all stuff she didn't pay or helped mantain at all... it can be unfair, but in your case it'd be totally fair... just curious!

[MsOptimist]

3.5 weeks after my move and I think I'm doing pretty well. Keeping busy with running groups, dinners with friends, and getting my new life situated. I've met some new friends through the running groups and have already met up with them for more runs.

 

I'm exercising a lot - getting back into yoga and starting the Insanity program tomorrow. I have a friend who's starting P90x tomorrow so we planned to start on the same day and keep each other motivated. I have 2 races coming up within in the next month with friends.

 

My inlaws were in town last weekend and I went to their house, had lunch with them, and visited with my dog. It was really nice and I hope we can do that from time to time. I'll be there with just my dog one day this weekend - stbx will be out of town that day so he's in a bind as to who can watch the dog. He asked if I wanted to stay overnight at his parents' place, but I said no - as much as I want to see my dog, I will not inconvenience my weekend and my animals to help him out.

 

Everyone is telling me I look great - I'm making an extra effort to look nice every day. Not that I was a slob before, but taking the extra time lately makes me feel good about myself - even just something little like wearing earrings to work (something I never used to do).

 

I haven't been pressed about divorce paperwork again yet - it's still in the back of my mind but I'm still not ready. I'm inching closer and closer to being ready, but for this moment, I'm focused on doing my best day to day in my new routines.

[Soxfaninfl]

I never wanted my divorce and still didn't want it the day I went to court to finalize it. I remember crying all the way to the court house, but I did feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when it was finally final.

 

I could finally start healing because there was no hope for reconciliation. I still have bad days here and there but it's getting easier (been divorced for 1 year and a month). I would probably fully healed by now if I had no contact with her, but I have to talk to her because we have a child that s splits time between us. I let her have our two dogs, so I didn't have to share animals with her.

Edited October 31, 2012 by Soxfaninfl

[MsOptimist]

I never wanted my divorce and still didn't want it the day I went to court to finalize it. I remember crying all the way to the court house, but I did feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when it was finally final.

 

I could finally start healing because there was no hope for reconciliation. I still have bad days here and there but it's getting easier (been divorced for 1 year and a month). I would probably fully healed by now if I had no contact with her, but I have to talk to her because we have a child that s splits time between us. I let her have our two dogs, so I didn't have to share animals with her.

 

I really dread the legal process of the divorce - ours is not complicated at all, just the finalization of everything is what I dread. I've already resigned to the fact that we are over and done - so I don't know what my hangup is on not wanting to do the paperwork (it has only been 2 months though).

 

I can't imagine having to have contact due to kids involved - contact with my stbx over our dog is a small issue compared to those trying to co-parent with their ex.

 

Something small that bugs me lately is changing my beneficiary and emergency contact information - it makes me sad that I don't know who to put. My parents don't live in the same city (they're close to an hour away) and both are in poor health. My brother lives out of state. I need to order a new RoadID tag for running and cycling, one that doesn't list my stbx's phone number, and I don't know who's number to put. I'll likely put my dad's information, but that makes me really sad.

[ace5950]

Just a question. I know the house is in his name, and he payed most of it, but you helped with the decoration and stuff. Even when you were not legally married, you have no right to a part of the house because of the time you've been together? In my country if you live together for 5 years (and you can proove it) you have the same rights than a married couple. Meaning, if you separate, you have the right to ask for half of everything and so on...

A friend of mine lived with his gf for 12 years. Then she left and asked him half of his apartment (it was under his name, but he sold a previous one and bought this one when living with her), half of his car... all stuff she didn't pay or helped mantain at all... it can be unfair, but in your case it'd be totally fair... just curious!

 

we bought the house together but only put it in his name. I know I could fight for half the condo.. I just didn't care enough and all the jazz. lesson learned I guess. he let me take what ever I wanted and I did get to keep.my car that he 100% paid for.

[Soxfaninfl]

we bought the house together but only put it in his name. I know I could fight for half the condo.. I just didn't care enough and all the jazz. lesson learned I guess. he let me take what ever I wanted and I did get to keep.my car that he 100% paid for.

 

Your entitled to half the equity, so don't cheat yourself. You could use that money to get your own place or use it for a down payment. These days you 20% down of the the value of the place your buying.

[Solcita2]

Your entitled to half the equity, so don't cheat yourself. You could use that money to get your own place or use it for a down payment. These days you 20% down of the the value of the place your buying.

 

I agree. If he payed for your car, just take that number out of the sum you should be getting from your home.

You will regret this in a few years. I'm surprised that he didn't offer to pay you half the house... he should

[MsOptimist]

sometimes I wonder if we were involved with the same man! ha! my ex did many things for Me out of guilt.... and he should of felt guilty for all the **** he did. during one of our breakup quarrels I said something like "thanks for taking my life away from me" to which he replied I needed a reality check. when in reality he made me leave our home that we owned, I came home from work to him telling me I had to.leave. my life totally got turned upside down while his basically stayed the same. he did take my life away but I'm slowly getting it back now, all on my own and it feels good. I don't think he has any idea how much pain he put me through.

 

I've been thinking a lot about this, that our exes have seemingly taken so much of our lives away and turned them upside down.

 

I think we have to start thinking about it in terms of maybe they gave us our lives back. I think we both sacrificed a lot to accommodate their selfish ways. No more of that. I seriously hope I can look back on this experience and say that this all happened for the best. I am going to try my best to start living and sharing my life with people who love me.

[fili]

everything will be ok...cheer up!