To go NC or not to go NC?

[AnotherRound]

I'm not sure how much I buy into the whole NC thing. I guess in some situations it works and is the appropriate thing to do, but for my situation, I'm not sure.

 

ExMM called me tonight. We were supposed to be NC until the divorce thing was settled (as in he had decided to be divorced and they were finishing the paper work). So, he calls tonight and says that he is done wanting reconciliation, and can't even figure out why he wanted it anyway. He expressed confusion that prior to a trip he took he couldn't have cared less if his stbxw had wanted a divorce, but then when it came to it, he felt like he didn't want the divorce.

 

He says that now he feels like his head is cleared, and that he is 100% sure that in a few years he will look back at this and just "know" that they weren't right for each other, and he isn't sure why he had any desire to stay with someone that isn't right for him. He said, "I'm perfectly okay with it all", and made some references to how he should have done something "a long time ago anyways", but fear stopped him (esp since his child was so young back then).

 

So, we discussed a few things, and we talked again about him needing time. He stated that he isn't sure he "needs" time, but he should probably take some time. He also mentioned not wanting to "flaunt" anything in his stbxw's face, and by wanting to see me, he is afraid that it would seem like that to her since she is very aware of me and our previous relationship.

 

So now, I'm trying to figure out what my "role" is. He is wanting to take things slow and see how they go, and I'm in agreement with that. And he is wanting to start sooner than I am, so I made sure that he knew I wanted him to take some time - he reluctantly agreed.

 

It seems to me that he is only agreeing to the time bc I'm asking for it, not because he thinks he needs it or wants it? So, I'm wondering if he really does need time, as I know that he checked out of his marriage long ago (as did the stbxw), and they have both probably processed most of their issues with that. They signed a preliminary settlement, but it has some more tweaks it needs, and their attorneys are now working on those in an effort to combine both proposals into a settlement that they are both in agreement with.

 

So, I'm just thinking out loud here I guess. I'm obviously not good at the NC thing, and probably some of that is that I don't know really how necessary it is. Not that I want to jump right into a full blown relationship with him, but I'm not sure how we can see how it goes if we are NC. And, I can't read him and his behaviors if we are NC - which I really feel the need to do right now so that I can make a good decision regarding whether or not to get re-involved with him.

 

Especially now that I'm thinking over what some others said about what he and I had not really being an "affair" per se, bc it wasn't secretive or on the down low. So, not sure the same rules apply? Or, that there is a need for time considering the divorce has been a long time coming. And, with his admission that he isn't sure why he felt the need to reconcile when he couldn't remember caring about the marriage for the previous 10 years anyway.

 

Thoughts? Is NC the way that you would go? And if so, why?

 

I'm not really looking for guidance (as some seem to get upset when they realize that), just looking for some feedback and a chance to process this with others. Thanks!

[veryhappy]

If you are not in NC, and you'll ride a couple more "I'm thinking of making things work with her" again...would you prefer to live that or be in NC and not know about it?

 

Fact is they're not divorced until they're divorced.

[AnotherRound]

Good points.

 

Cd - I won't ride that again. If I hear one ounce of "maybe we should try to make it work" again, I'm out. I thought about that a lot lately, and I'm pretty set on it. (Of course, we will see if my strength is as strong as I think it is... not gonna lie, I'm weaker with this man than with anything else in my life, ever... I admit that)

 

Tara - True. I think he called tonight bc they did sign a preliminary settlement - meaning that their attorneys are writing up what they agreed on, they compromised on what they didn't agree on, and at this point it is just a matter of getting the agreed upon settlement typed up and signed. Then, I'm not sure how long it takes for it to be entered in the courts, but he said it could take up to 90 days for it to be entered, but was told by his attorney that it most likely would not take that long since they aren't going to trial. So, the way he was talking tonight is that it's a done deal - in his mind, and he's ready to move on.

 

I do think it is a good thing he wasn't wanting to come round tonight and just jump right back in, and that he is willing to take some time even though he seems to think he doesn't need it. And, that he was considering his stbxw's feelings re seeing me, as he didn't want to "rub it in her face that he is moving on so quickly".

 

So, for now, I'm hearing the things I need to hear from him. I'm letting him do most of the talking, as I want to see where he goes with it all without my influencing his responses or statements at all.

 

As for me... I'm just sitting tight. I have a date tomorrow night with a SG, and will just continue on living my life. If he fits in later down the line, great. I guess I'm not thinking full NC, but talking as long as it doesn't turn into just talking about the divorce and helping him through that (as he sounds as if he is through it, and that the reconciliation was just one last final death throe as I thought it might be). And tonight, we talked about us a little bit, but then went on to work, and some other things going on in our lives.

 

So, it was a normal convo. Not a 5 hour one filled with his divorce and confusion. He sounded really good tonight, in a good place. And I'm glad about that, as it has been a long time coming for him to have some happiness in his life. I'm glad he is feeling good about his decisions (as apparently, he did make the decision this week when the stbxw brought up separation before divorcing that he was done, and let her know that he believed it was pointless to try any further as they obviously were not meant to be together - nothing in common, different communication styles, different emotional needs, etc.) So, I'm glad he took the reins and made the decision to do what is best for him (and her, even if she doesn't see it yet, imo) and go the way he needs to go.

 

I guess it's still all just kind of surreal for me. And, I'm still not sure what I "want" when it comes down to it. Right now, I just want him to do what is best for him - and I don't want to enable anything or force anything or push anything. I want him to come to me of his own accord, and tonight when we discussed it, he said that he is - and explained again that he has no idea where the desire to reconcile came from and feels it was just a snap reaction to the thought of the divorce. And that now, he has no desire to be with her, or to reconcile, and that he is ready to live his life without the "burden" ( his word, not mine) of a "bad relationship" weighing him down.

 

So... I'm just going to carry on. Just thought I'd vent here and let those of you following my story know what was happening. I'm off to take a hot bath and hang out and then to work later on...

 

Thanks for all the feedback on all the threads. This has given me a place to vent and process and lessened my need to process EVERYTHING with exMM, as I do tend to overanalyze and that often complicates a situation more than it helps.

[2sunny]

I think its good you are still dating single guys.

 

I think he's afraid to be alone for one minute.

 

He has a lot to adjust to after his divorce is final.

 

You stated before his wife asked to end it - that's a big difference than if he ended it... Which you now infer.

 

NC would be healthier for you - at least until after the D is completely finalized - many couples still reconcile at the 12th hour when the reality hits hardest... that's always difficult for a third party that starts dating someone with the mindset that their love interest is soon to be available.

 

You've waited this long - no reason not to wait a bit longer to see what happens if his M ends legally.

[Tenacity]

Sorry, I just don't believe in this back-and-forth nonsense anymore, after multiple years in an A with a MM who promised that I was his one-and-only-true love, promised to marry me, years of loving communications, sex, etc, how I was the only woman for him... then he got me pregnant and went back to his W at the eleventh hour and multiple years later, after I believed him and trusted in all he had said for years. He was literally my world. There are no words to describe my devastation at his betrayal. I have heard everything from him that you posted.

 

I don't really understand your NC question. To me, NC is meant to get over - and past - A's that are damaging. It is a way to move on. You are still sitting around thinking about the MM and waiting in the sidelines for him to do something. NC is for when you decide Enough is Enough; I'm better than this.

 

Your MM's statements to you just reflect on his at-the-time interactions with his W and his mood at that point in time. They in no way reflect on what he will ultimately do. Trust me. He is sure that he will "look back on this years from now and know they were not right with each other"? Don't read anything into these statements, which are situationally-based. There is no long-term ANYTHING in these statements. Where is the proof that he is DOING anything to get a divorce? Other than a few words here and there to you?

 

As for your belief that you "convinced" him that he needed more time... I would bet that he intended, with his choice of deliverance of statements to you, that you would "convince" him to "need more time". Which is what he wants.

 

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but after having been there and done that and all the pain associated with it, this is my opinion. It's based on experience. And a lot of experience reading others' situations.

[AnotherRound]

Sorry, I just don't believe in this back-and-forth nonsense anymore, after multiple years in an A with a MM who promised that I was his one-and-only-true love, promised to marry me, years of loving communications, sex, etc, how I was the only woman for him... then he got me pregnant and went back to his W at the eleventh hour and multiple years later, after I believed him and trusted in all he had said for years. He was literally my world. There are no words to describe my devastation at his betrayal. I have heard everything from him that you posted.

 

I don't really understand your NC question. To me, NC is meant to get over - and past - A's that are damaging. It is a way to move on. You are still sitting around thinking about the MM and waiting in the sidelines for him to do something. NC is for when you decide Enough is Enough; I'm better than this.

 

Your MM's statements to you just reflect on his at-the-time interactions with his W and his mood at that point in time. They in no way reflect on what he will ultimately do. Trust me. He is sure that he will "look back on this years from now and know they were not right with each other"? Don't read anything into these statements, which are situationally-based. There is no long-term ANYTHING in these statements. Where is the proof that he is DOING anything to get a divorce? Other than a few words here and there to you?

 

As for your belief that you "convinced" him that he needed more time... I would bet that he intended, with his choice of deliverance of statements to you, that you would "convince" him to "need more time". Which is what he wants.

 

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but after having been there and done that and all the pain associated with it, this is my opinion. It's based on experience. And a lot of experience reading others' situations.

 

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you have had a bad experience. I'm not sure you understand my situation. There isn't any going back and forth with me, I've not been in a relationship with him for over a year and a half. And, I know the divorce is happening bc it is online and in the newspaper. I don't think I convinced him he needs more time, just he agrred to take some time bc I asked him to re me.

 

It almost sounds to me that you would deem anyone divorced to be not dateable bc they might go back to their spouse? At my age, that would certainly limit my dating pool, lol. If you read my posts, you will see, I haven't been on any sidelines... just living my life and haven't happened to meet anyone I want to commit to yet. I'm confused as to how you came tto some of your conclusions here... did you read my story?

[Summer Breeze]

I've had very light contact with MM since he told me he'd filed for D. We arranged to meet a few weeks after it's final. I've been kind of struggling with the same sorts of questions.

 

He's been in contact but been at all aggressive about contact. He has let me drive it all. Period. When we talk and for how long and to a large extent about what. He's ended all of the calls that he's waiting for me to be ready. He's made it clear I can call him day or night and he has nothing to hide. I fully intend to not physically see him till after the D is final next month. I told him he'd better get ready to do some serious wooing because I'm expecting it. Our calls are close and comfortable but we've purposely kept them kind of light. I like how he's making it comfortable for me and letting me figure out how I need to go forward to make us work. I don't feel any pressure and that's worth a million to me.

 

I remember a debate in here a few years ago about this very topic. Most posters were adamant about NC and giving a year or more after the D. One OW chimed in and said something along the lines of she'd been waiting for him for a very long time and he finally made the decision to be with her, why would she turn her back on him now. At this moment I see the logic on both sides (for my situation) but I am feeling more and more that he's done some very hard work to be where he is now and it's time for me to let us figure out what's next.

 

I guess I'd suggest this AR. You're a smart woman and despite what many people think, many OW know their MM in a way no one else does. Watch and listen to him. Trust your gut and give your heart some airtime too. He may need to know you're there for him more than you think he does. It doesn't mean you have to tell him you'll marry him and live happily ever after. It means to let him know you're there and you support him - to whatever degree you want to.

 

I hope all that rambling helped in some small way!

[Summer Breeze]

To me NC always meant No Chance. It's something you do if you want the relationship to be done and over with. Which is why BSs propagate so strongly for it. If you want a change in the relationship rather than end it, why not go LC (low contact). That's where I'm at right now. We've been LC for a month, and it works just fine. I'm not the OW anymore, but we keep in enough contact for me to know what is going on with him.

 

 

Again I agree it's a matter of how it works for the individual couple. I agree that LC can be good for you. I don't think going NC is right for everyone. Every situation is different. I hope you're doing ok and that Neo is too.

[MissBee]

If you are not in NC, and you'll ride a couple more "I'm thinking of making things work with her" again...would you prefer to live that or be in NC and not know about it?

 

Fact is they're not divorced until they're divorced.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

When he's divorced, you can see all you need to see and see how it goes. I'm not sure of the logic that you have to be involved with him right now, prior to the divorce, to see any "better".

 

I definitely get being anxious and esp on his part, but as others have said, he has been wishy washy before and do you really want to get entangled if he goes for another round of "oh just kidding". I feel like the idea that an A makes MM stay M longer as it provides a cushion makes sense here as well. That is, he's divorcing, he knows your stance...he should understand your stance and NC IMO would provide the impetus for him to follow through so he could be with you. I'd just be worry about complacency and about you being there and he starts dragging his feet.I recommend LC at the least.

 

If he's really divorcing and if he really wants to be with you...then you'll be around post divorce and won't have to worry about flaunting things in her face or him deciding he doesn't want to divorce again etc. I think NC would work in your favor more so than his so it makes complete sense to me why he'd not want it. I don't mean he's being manipulative or malicious either, just that it's human nature for people to want things that make their lives easier or are going to speak up for what's more convenient and pleasant for them than not.

[whichwayisup]

You know he's going to change his mind again and you'll be sucked into his drama..That rollercoaster ride that you want to get off of.

 

One minute he's in NC, adament about that, then he breaks NC without even considering the effect it has on you. Notice how it's ALL about him? Seriously, when was the last time he actually showed genuine care about you, your life..Asked you about YOU?

 

I say go NC until he is officially divorced. It isn't fair for you to go on this emotional turmoil rollercoaster with him as it's HIS marriage that is supposedly ending.

 

Make sense?

[canuckprincess]

To me NC always meant No Chance. It's something you do if you want the relationship to be done and over with. Which is why BSs propagate so strongly for it. If you want a change in the relationship rather than end it, why not go LC (low contact). That's where I'm at right now. We've been LC for a month, and it works just fine. I'm not the OW anymore, but we keep in enough contact for me to know what is going on with him.

 

 

I've never heard of LC before, is that like just being friends or are you still having sexual relations. I don't think I would want LC but I think it would be better then NC. Again that depends on how close of a relationship you have, How long you've been involved and how inlove you are. Trinity I will you only great things be strong for you and him and the love you share.

[Summer Breeze]

We've been a couple for close to seven years now. Long distance. I do hope to still share a future with him. I just got tired of being the OW. The negatives suddenly outweighed the positives, which has always been the measurement I've gone by. Interestingly enough, this happened at the height of our relationship. I felt we were so close and intimate it couldn't get any better without our relationship turning into a regular relationship instead of an EMR.

 

I decided on LC solely because I didn't want to be the OW anymore. But the consequence has been that Neo, my MM, has started to move in the direction of actually revealing our relationship to his wife within the next couple of months. We will see what the future brings.

 

LC for us has been no sexual relations, some email exchange (mostly from him to me), a few telephone calls mostly about our relationship and where we see it going. It lets us know we still care even though we have decided an EMR is out of the question. If he wants more than LC, our relationship needs to be out in the open.

 

Your post struck quite a chord with me. When I ended things with MM we were incredibly close. I loved him so much then and all of a sudden it wasn't enough. I ended it and he kept LC with me. I read some of what he wrote but probably only about a quarter of it and I never responded. I never expected anything from him and figured when I left that was it.

 

I hope things go well for you Trinity.

[Owl]

The back and forth is exactly why NC doesn't work unless you are permanently done with a relationship. Premature NC causes this kind of drama, the rollercoaster rides.

 

I both agree and disagree with this.

 

NC is how you END a relationship. It's definitely not how you FIX one.

 

But NC is what let's you finally get to that "permanently done" mindset and state. Remaining in contact is what fuels the relationship...it causes it to continue longer, rather than letting it reach a conclusion.

 

You shouldn't go NC unless you're at least willing to consider that the relationship is over/needs to be over. It's not a tool to cause change in the relationship...it's a tool to help YOU get over the relationship and bring it to a conclusion.

 

By the same token, LC can be used to make changes in a relationship...but it typically does not have much to do with ENDING the relationship.

 

Different tools with different purposes.

[whichwayisup]

The back and forth is exactly why NC doesn't work unless you are permanently done with a relationship. Premature NC causes this kind of drama, the rollercoaster rides.

 

For you NC didn't work. For others it does. It isn't fact. Everybody needs to do what is best for them and sometimes going NC is the only solution to get away from the rollercoaster ride (aka hearing details and being sucked in) and feel better without all the drama.

[Owl]

To me NC always meant No Chance. It's something you do if you want the relationship to be done and over with. Which is why BSs propagate so strongly for it. If you want a change in the relationship rather than end it, why not go LC (low contact). That's where I'm at right now. We've been LC for a month, and it works just fine. I'm not the OW anymore, but we keep in enough contact for me to know what is going on with him.

 

Since you don't consider yourself the OW anymore, do you still consider yourself as "in a relationship" with him, or the two of you "as a couple"?

[sleepie]

I both agree and disagree with this.

 

NC is how you END a relationship. It's definitely not how you FIX one.

 

But NC is what let's you finally get to that "permanently done" mindset and state. Remaining in contact is what fuels the relationship...it causes it to continue longer, rather than letting it reach a conclusion.

 

You shouldn't go NC unless you're at least willing to consider that the relationship is over/needs to be over. It's not a tool to cause change in the relationship...it's a tool to help YOU get over the relationship and bring it to a conclusion.

 

By the same token, LC can be used to make changes in a relationship...but it typically does not have much to do with ENDING the relationship.

 

Different tools with different purposes.

 

I agree with this totally.

 

I also agree that premature NC leads to the back-and-forth drama.

 

To AR, I don't know if NC is the right thing for you or not. But I will guess that your MM will keep you on a rollercoaster/merry-go-round for a while longer, despite how sincere he seems now or what place he seems in now. I think, as sad as this is to say, that cheaters--especially cheating men--tend to have some serious issues that result in all of their relationships being dysfunctional.

 

I, for one, know that my EA was the most dysfunctional relationship of my life.

[AnotherRound]

You know he's going to change his mind again and you'll be sucked into his drama..That rollercoaster ride that you want to get off of.

 

One minute he's in NC, adament about that, then he breaks NC without even considering the effect it has on you. Notice how it's ALL about him? Seriously, when was the last time he actually showed genuine care about you, your life..Asked you about YOU?

 

I say go NC until he is officially divorced. It isn't fair for you to go on this emotional turmoil rollercoaster with him as it's HIS marriage that is supposedly ending.

 

Make sense?

 

I see what you are saying. He hasn't gone "back and forth" in the way I think you think he has. He had been trying to reconcile since the divorce started in February. Then he called me a couple of weeks ago and said he thought he was done with trying to try to reconcile as he was still getting no communication from her. He told her one last time that he was willing to try to try to reconcile IF she would communicate, and she still refused to communicate about the divorce or reconciliation, so he told her that he was done. He hasn't been coming to my house, or seeing me, or moving back and forth between us.

 

He has talked to me on the phone and shared with me his feelings and confusion about the whole thing. I wouldn't even know about his confusion about what to do if he hadn't told me on the phone.

 

And as for showing genuine concern for me - he does in every conversation. ????? I'm not sure where that question came from? We spoke yesterday, and we talked about us for a bit, then about some other things going on in our lives, and he is always supportive of my life, career, and concerns and such. In fact, despite the fact that he would like to see me now, he is respecting the fact that I think he needs time. Even if he doesn't agree, and doesn't really feel like he does, he is taking into account that I think he might. I would say that is showing concern about my feelings even when they don't "agree" with his feelings.

[2sunny]

Another thought comes to mind.

 

It's hard to REALLY get CONNECTED with dating any new guy when you are still thinking of your MM in the back of your mind.

 

Eliminating him gives these new guys a chance! A REAL chance at making it work!

 

It may be the reason why your MM pops in every now and then - to be sure he's still on your mind - and to keep you from healing PAST the affair.

[AnotherRound]

Okay, thank you all for the responses. I guess I was thinking that NC was to "change" the relationship, and feeling like I needed it as long as he was in the "I'm willing to try to try to reconcile". When he called me a few weeks ago (it seems like ages ago!), he was calling to tell me that he was no longer willing to try to get her to even consider reconciling.

 

Even then he was saying that he wasn't sure WHY he wanted to reconcile - in that, he was confused. He kept talking about all the years they had together, their child, their business, their house, their families - and when pressed, he said he had "feelings" for her, he just wasn't sure what they were. And he thought after 20+ years, and having an A, that he should at least be willing to try to "see if there is anything there" - and added, "at least for the sake of our child".

 

So, I think he was doing what he "thought" he should be doing, and not really understanding why he was doing it as he was having difficulty sorting out his true feelings from those of panic since a very LT relationship was ending. He has mentioned so many times that all the way up until she filed for D that he thought in his head, "so what if she files for divorce, it's been over for years" - but then when she actually did, he felt some odd need to at least try to save it. He just said again last night, he has no idea where that came from, or why it triggered him to want to at least try to reconcile. And the further he gets from it, the more clearly he sees (his words, not mine) that they were not complimentary to one another, and that he had been unhappy for more of the marriage than he was happy in it.

 

So, I'm not sure I didn't go through that with my exH back during my divorce. I remember we tried to reconcile a few times after the divorce, but can't remember my feelings about it after all these years. I do remember wanting to be divorced, then having a sort of "buyer's remorse" when we actually did it. I imagine that's a normal reaction that many people have - as it appears with exMM and on here at least.

 

So, I think what I will do is LC. We have never had NC, and I'm not sure if I want to end the relationship. What I want depends on how things play out next - if that makes sense. I would want to be in a relationship with him IF he is truly in a good place emotionally, divorced, and has learned from his mistakes and such. I will not want to be in a relationship with him if he hasn't learned anything about himself and relationships, cannot get past the divorce emotionally, or he won't take control of the divorce for his own sake and continues to let her just sort of mosey along in her avoidant way.

 

So, I think I need to have some contact with him to know these things. ???? We haven't seen each other (other than in public here and there and said hi, asked how the other was, etc.) since last March when he came over to tell me face to face about the divorce and that he was going to attempt to give reconciliation a chance.

 

I guess my concern is that in having contact, I am going to be his "counselor". I have had many people here tell me that is unhealthy in that it caused me to have emotions too. What do you guys think? Unhealthy? Or is it just supporting him? I honestly have been neutral, not influencing, but just helping him process so that he can make some decisions for himself. I know that last night he tried to just have a conversation with me that didn't include the divorce, other than him just telling me the latest progression of it. I am the one that wanted to explore it more (ie his feelings about where it is, etc.), and he obliged, but then moved on to other things. So, I don't think he is "using" me for free counseling - although when I say that, I think, what if he is? What is the harm in that since that is always how our relationship has been (extremely emotionally involved and supporting).

 

So, he did ask if I could help him with something that he has to do (it's something I'm quite good at it, and he has little experience at, and he needs to learn about). I had begged off simply bc I was trying to avoid getting more entangled than was healthy - now I'm thinking, what's the harm? It would require him coming to my house (to use my computer), and we haven't been together in close proximity like that for some time. He stated that he could really use my help, in that it could result in some really good things for him, and that he trusted me to help him with this - and we discussed being physically close like that and he stated, "I just need help - I'm not looking for anything else, I promise." And stated that he believes that this is a big difference between men and women, in that we read into situations and guys don't generally, and that he wasn't expecting anything other than picking my brain for this particular project.

 

Sorry these are all so long - I'm just thinking out loud and processing. I so want to do this the right way so that I can make a good decision in the future about being with him. If he and I are going to pursue any type of relationship, I want to give it as solid of a foundation as possible - IF there is any chance it could work.

 

That's where I am right now... thinking maybe it could work, if certain things are what they appear to be - and not wanting to damage the chances of it working - but wanting to get as good a feel for it as possible so that I can make solid decisions for myself. *sigh* Just complicated - I so wish we could have met under different circumstances.

[Owl]

So...in light of that solid foundation...(which I think is the right direction)...

 

 

Make sure to set clear boundaries and expectations, using clear and open communication.

 

Don't allow things to "seem to be as they appear to be"...make darned sure he's TELLING and SHOWING you how things really are. Ask the hard questions, expect straightforward, honest answers. Be willing to do the same for him.

 

Make sure it's all very clear, out in the open, and understood.

 

Don't assume, don't hesitate to clarify or demand clarification.

 

It can prevent a lot of stress later, and lead to a better foundation now.

[veryhappy]

It's unhealthy for you to be offering him your shoulder. Look what you have been going through in the past weeks. Had he come to you after the divorce was final, he would have spared you all this. But he didn't. He put it all on you, and can't even see it because he's too focused on himself.

 

Asking for your professional help to be around you physically...I would take it as a lack of respect. Franckly I think he's looking for sex, or at least to get you hooked and confirm that what he expects from you is still there. Refer him to one of your colleagues and be done with it. I'm sure he can afford the service.

 

I'm somewhat in a similar spot, and you need to doubt anything they say as being a final decision, because five minutes later they want to decide the opposite. Leave him alone to deal with his divorce. And if he's not a big boy, well, time is running out to grow up.

 

Is there a chance you don't want to get down the roller coaster because it challenges you professionally? You won't manage, you're too involved.

[AnotherRound]

It's unhealthy for you to be offering him your shoulder. Look what you have been going through in the past weeks. Had he come to you after the divorce was final, he would have spared you all this. But he didn't. He put it all on you, and can't even see it because he's too focused on himself.

 

I honestly think that he thought I was past it all since it had been such a long time (a year and a half). We had talked some during that time, and I was dating, moving on, he was not getting anything from me that showed that I was still hurt (I wasn't) or still attached in any way other than that I cared about him as I would anyone I had been intimate with.

 

Asking for your professional help to be around you physically...I would take it as a lack of respect. Franckly I think he's looking for sex, or at least to get you hooked and confirm that what he expects from you is still there. Refer him to one of your colleagues and be done with it. I'm sure he can afford the service.

 

Yes, he can afford it. It's just something that I'm very good at, and I have the programs he needs to use and learn, not everyone does as they are fairly expensive and specialized. Knowing him as well as I do, I think that if he was looking for sex, he would just say so. He isn't shy about that sort of thing, and there really isn't a need to be shy about it with me as we were obviously intimate for 7 years. I'm not doubting that he wants to be physically close with me - as we obviously have been attracted to one another in that way. I just am not sure he is reading nearly as much into is as you are - or I am.

 

I'm somewhat in a similar spot, and you need to doubt anything they say as being a final decision, because five minutes later they want to decide the opposite. Leave him alone to deal with his divorce. And if he's not a big boy, well, time is running out to grow up.

 

I can understand the doubting, but the divorce is practically finalized. At this point, unless something HUGE changes, there just isn't any way that they can back out... they would, at this point, have to go through with the divorce legally, as it is too far in the process to pull it out now. I guess after they are divorced they could go back and forth for a while, but since they aren't discussing anything at all now (besides the child and the business), I'm doubting that's going to happen. Word is that the stbxw is seeing someone, and has been for a while too now. Maybe from even before she filed. So, it sounds like she also wanted to "secure" a soft place to land before actually leaving the marriage. I just don't see this as being a back and forth deal - I could, of course, be wrong. But right now, I feel like if he went back and forth even one time, I would be done. Again, could be wrong.

 

Is there a chance you don't want to get down the roller coaster because it challenges you professionally? You won't manage, you're too involved.

 

First - Thank you Owl, points taken - good points.

 

As for your last paragraph... maybe. It doesn't really feel like a roller coaster, as much as just these past few weeks have been me having to think about whether or not I would want to try to be in a relationship with him again. A relationship that is not an A, but a full relationship, out in the open. That has been MY roller coaster of feelings - my own back and forth of "yes, I want that" and "no, I don't want that"... and of course, everything in between.

 

It is hard for me to walk away from anyone needing support. I have said before, I feel bad withholding that from anyone I care about bc I have the training and skills to make it very effective for them, and feel selfish if I don't allow them "access" to that when they need it. Like, if I was a mechanic, and someone I cared about needed their car fixed - I would feel selfish to have those skills and not help. Just happens that my skills are communication and counseling oriented.

 

So, that could be some of it, or even all of it. That he is wanting/needing support right now, and I don't want to deny him that. I can deny him sex or dates - but deny him support? I'm just not sure why I would, and if I do, I feel guilty. Something to think about, for sure...

[AnotherRound]

Your post struck quite a chord with me. When I ended things with MM we were incredibly close. I loved him so much then and all of a sudden it wasn't enough. I ended it and he kept LC with me. I read some of what he wrote but probably only about a quarter of it and I never responded. I never expected anything from him and figured when I left that was it.

 

I hope things go well for you Trinity.

 

Interesting, as I did the same. We had been getting along so well, and had been closer than ever - and then we had this little fight over something stupid, and I just walked away. He was so confused by it all when it happened, and brought that up. That I had been expressing how close I felt towards him, and how well we had been getting along - then just walked away.

 

In fact, he just brought it up the other night. We talked briefly about it, but I couldn't explain it - it was just how I felt. Maybe it was like trying to end it on a good note. Or maybe the closeness highlights how inadequate the A is when both people are so connected. Not sure, but interesting that you both experienced that too.

[AnotherRound]

It happened so fast I was surprised when it happened. Things were so good between us we could only go backwards from there unless our relationship stopped being an EMR.

 

That's a really good way to phrase it. It was the same for me. I remember he was so confused bc the fight was so inconsequential and stupid, and he kept thinking that I ended it over that stupid fight... lol. Men! I tried to explain it, and unusually, couldn't come up with the words to do so.

 

We have talked about that some, and he still is confused by it. I was too, until reading this. It was just kind of an "aha" moment back then for me in that, we were good together, and I didn't want to keep being good together only part time. Although, I honestly never wanted him to leave his marriage to be with me, it wasn't something I thought about much, truth be told. I just didn't want to continue in the A. I couldn't describe it any more than that.

 

Thanks for sharing... that makes so much sense to me now. Maybe next time he brings it up I will have better words to explain it with now. Although, I can already hear him saying, "women!?"... lol. He doesn't always understand my thinking, and that was definitely one of those times!

[AnotherRound]

Ps I will say that some of it for me was frustration though. Frustration that he obviously COULD connect with someone emotionally, but was staying in a marriage that had none of that connection - which was causing him to be miserable. Not that his stbxw was inadequate, but that her need for communication and connection was MUCH different from his. So, to see and feel that connection with him, and on such a time constraint, while he was spending the majority of his time in a relationship that lacked that - I just couldn't understand it.

 

And I thought that once I ended with him that their marriage would fall apart, unless he could find someone else to connect with like he had me. He didn't, and the marriage did fall apart. Not that that was my purpose of ending it, but I just kind of knew that is how that would play out, that I had been the balm that soothed him and allowed him to stay in a situation that he didn't want so that his child could have an intact family.

 

Wow, epiphany. Again, thanks for sharing... so much sense!