Lied to my family about getting a paternity test

[The_Face]

Okay, so me and my ex gf got the news that she was pregnant about a month after we broke up. The situation was definitely strange, in that I had found out she was seeing another guy during that month. I also found out they had sex. Of course in my weakened state I vented my fears to my family and how I was scared at the possibility the baby wasn't mine. But a few months into the pregnancy, and I am fully on board with it. I always have been, really. At least when it comes to all the stuff I've been doing with/ for the mother. After getting the possible conception date and the due date, as well as looking back into the decisions we made (not using protection, more than once) around the time we are thought to have conceived, I have little doubts the child is mine. I WANT it to be mine. But I haven't been getting the type of emotional support I would like from my family. In particular, my mother. Any time I want to give her updates on the baby (heard it's heartbeat, saw it on the ultra-sound, finding out the gender, etc.) she will seem kind of excited about it but always follow up with a reminder on how I need to protect myself and she doesn't want me doing as much as I'm doing to support my ex. It's been a really dark cloud hanging over me and this whole experience. I am so excited to be a dad and me and my ex have been getting along really well and things have changed alot since our breakup. But none of that seems to matter to my mother, or my sister and a few others who know the bare bones story of what happened after our breakup. It's my fault for running my mouth about the details after our breakup, feeling like a little baby and telling everybody about it for emotional support. Now I can't convince anyone to let me be, and to be excited for me and my ex. So I made a decision I'm not so sure was a good one, but it was good for me at the time. I told my mom that we got a paternity test even though we didn't. I couldn't stand the thought of going through the next 5 months of this pregnancy with her anger and concern hanging over my head. I want to be excited like I was before and in all honesty just wanted everyone to shut up and get off my back. I know this may be immoral but I'm doing what's good for me, I think. Problem is, I vented this to someone I thought I could trust with a secret, and he ratted me out. Now some people know I never got it done and the wierd vibes are back in full force.

 

I can't afford a pre-natal paternity test, they're like 1,500+ dollars and I wanted to save up for a new place and the stuff I really need for the baby. Not to mention my car is in the shop and regular expenses are still piling up. So there really is nothing I can do to put my family's mind at ease, I almost feel like I just have to say "screw them" for now, as their "support" also seems to come paired with judgement, resentment, and all the other negative emotions I already mentioned. It's getting in the way now. I want to be considerate of my family, in alot of ways I think they have the right to worry but I keep telling them this is my life and it's my baby. Let's move on and quit dwelling on the past. Everything adds up. And if they really want specifics, me and my ex did NOT use protection. It's my kid.

 

I feel bad for lying to people I care so much about. But there was only so much I could take. Now I have to spend the rest of the pregnancy with people in my family not being excited for me, not investing in any of it with me, and generally just despising my ex, which is a little extreme to me. I don't know what to do about any of it. I have no support anyone, except from my ex, and thankfully, her family.

 

Can anyone at least understand why I did what I did? This is a huge and exciting time for me, I've always wanted a kid and now that there is one on the way I'm getting scolded for wanting to be a part of it.

[Clep]

Might be an idea to come clean and tell your mom you didn't get the test and why you lied.

 

She seems to be the person who would like the test, so she can always pay for it if it means that much to her.

 

If she doesn't want to put out the funds for something that is bothering HER, she needs to be informed that she can keep her mouth closed regarding her negative comments.

 

Her anger and concern is her own. You don't need to take that on. Seems to me you have enough on your plate. We can't make people around us happy all the time, and trying to do so is just adding something more to our plate that we need to be.

[amaysngrace]

Your mom probably doesn't want to get attached to a baby that may not be her grandchild.

 

Not everything is about you and your feelings. Your mom has feelings too.

[amaysngrace]

I need to elaborate that. I know that I am looking so forward to someday being a grandmother. I cannot wait for that day actually. I love babies and you are your mom's baby always.

 

I don't know how old your youngest brother or sister is but if they are teenagers then your mom probably looks forward to being a grandmother someday too.

 

You getting pregnant would be awkward but not terrible. But she cheated so there's doubt.

 

It's not suppose to be like this. I don't blame her. I am not sure that I'd want to get my hopes up if there was uncertainty surrounding the situation.

 

Especially thinking that she was probably very much looking forward to being a grandparent one day.

[pink_sugar]

I don't mean or intend to be judgmental...but if you cannot afford a paternity test...you certainly cannot afford to raise a child. What's done is done, but this is why I've always been so adamant about using birth control and not getting pregnant. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I'd have to deal with when it comes to unintended pregnancy. But then again, there are programs that pretty much cover most of that...which is why people continue to have kids they can't afford. Don't mean to get down on you OP, but what if you decided to have the paternity test and the baby wasn't yours. What would you tell your mother?

[Balzac]

Is your plan to test for paternity after the birth? Have you informed yourself about the legal implications of putting your name on the birth certificate absent definitive paternity documentation?

[amaysngrace]

Is your plan to test for paternity after the birth? Have you informed yourself about the legal implications of putting your name on the birth certificate absent definitive paternity documentation?

 

^^^^^^^

He's right.

 

 

You should see a family lawyer. If you can afford one.

[turnera]

Go to United Way and see what they can do to help you.

[The_Face]

Thanks for all the advice and whatnot, people. I know it was a stupid thing to do. Even as I was doing it, I knew it was stupid. Since posting this, I've cleared the air with my family. They know I am going through alot, so no one is mad at me for what I said. My mom just wants me to be happy, and she said she supports me no matter what. But she still thinks its a good idea to get a test done, at least once the baby is born. I can't disagree with her reasoning. But the 1,500 dollars is better spent on bills, or baby things. I can get the test done after the baby is born, and before putting my name on the birth certificate, just to be safe.

 

Although I am confident it is my child, it is still a good thing to do. If the baby's mother takes offense to it when the time comes, all I can do is stand my ground and hope it doesn't make things wierd for us.

 

Thanks again to all. Things are going to get better soon.

[pink_sugar]

Good luck OP, although I would still avoid spending money on baby things until I knew for sure. You don't want to wait 6-7 months planning to have a baby and then oh it's not my baby.....know what I mean? Not saying it isn't yours, but if I were a guy I'd want to know right away so I could either plan or relinqish thoughts of responsibility for a baby.

[whichwayisup]

For medical reasons, you need to take the paternity test. Would be awful to find out in 10 years that the baby was never your blood child.. I look at worse case senario's, things out of our control. I hope you think about this.

 

Borrow the money. Do the test. It shouldn't matter either way if you're happy about being a father and your gf is with you now..You can adopt the baby as your own.

[The_Face]

For medical reasons, you need to take the paternity test. Would be awful to find out in 10 years that the baby was never your blood child.. I look at worse case senario's, things out of our control. I hope you think about this.

 

Borrow the money. Do the test. It shouldn't matter either way if you're happy about being a father and your gf is with you now..You can adopt the baby as your own.

 

Maybe I didn't make it clear, and if so I apologize. But I do plan on getting a test done. Now that I cleared things up with my family, I feel I can just wait it out until the baby is born. Seeing as there are way more indicators to me that the child is indeed my own, I think spending the 1,500 dollars to get the test done now would be a huge waste of money. Sure, the sooner I can find out, the better, but nobody can loan me that kind of money, and while I can pay it myself, I just think I'll feel stupid once I get the results and confirm it is mine, and there's 1,500 bucks I could have extra in my pocket.

 

The ex gf is on board to do it now, even though it caused a bit of a fight initially. So that's nice. Anyway, if I had more money to just toss around I'd do it now. The downside to not getting it done now are in the chance it wasn't mine, and I've been invested in the pregnancy and seen the baby born. I realize that. Either choice I make leads to some good things and some less desirable things. It's tough.

 

As for certain things, like paying for the doctor's bills and getting my name on the birth certificate, I'm going to decline on that until a test is done. But I'd feel horrible if I just assumed it wasn't my kid and had nothing to do with it until I got a test done.

 

Meeeehhhh...

[turnera]

Maybe the interest on a loan you took out to get the test done now would be worth removing all the stress and uncertainty and possible mistakes months from now. Since you're gonna get it done anyway.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe the interest on a loan you took out to get the test done now would be worth removing all the stress and uncertainty and possible mistakes months from now. Since you're gonna get it done anyway.

 

That's risky. Wait until the baby is born. You can even do the test at home.

[The_Face]

That's risky. Wait until the baby is born. You can even do the test at home.

 

I like the sound of doing it at home. And after I find that out, I'll get my name put on the birth certificate.

 

Would that be awkward to decline putting my name on it at the hospital the day the baby is born? I'm assuming that's when it's done? This will be my first child so I don't know as much as I wish I did, of course.

 

And putting my name on the certificate at a later date, is there any problem with doing that? It's not difficult to get done, right?

 

Again, thanks to all. You have all been very supportive of my situation. I appreciate it very much.

[amaysngrace]

It wouldn't hurt for you to meet with a family law attorney. That's what I would do. Actually it's what I did.

 

I wasn't married to my oldest son's father. My lawyer gave me great advice. If you can't swing it financially run it by your parents to see what they think.

[Leelou]

Personally, I would borrow the money and do the paternity test asap prenatally, because a lot is riding on it. Not only to determine whether the baby is yours, so you can walk away from the baby now, before it is born, but also whether you are allowing yourself to be open to getting back with your ex!!!!

 

So, what is riding on this paternity test is whether you will be with this woman in your future or not.

 

Scenario 1: You do the prenatal paternity test and it comes out positive; you ARE the father. You go about preparing for the baby's birth and you and your woman probably fall in love again and end up together. Or, the two of you just learn to co-parent the baby but don't get back together.

 

Scenario 2: You do the paternity test AFTER the baby is born -- the test is negative and you are devastated, feel robbed and cheated of a child that SHOULD have been yours, you then start to worry about the dates of conception, you realize she was lying, you cannot trust her, you have a full blown mess on your hands. You are then stuck with loving her but not trusting her, and a baby that is not yours. You have landed yourself in a mess for your future.

 

Scenario 3: You do the paternity test AFTER the baby is born -- the test is positive, and you feel great and justified, and you try to make it work with the mother. Your family was feeling jaded before, and thinking the worst of your woman, but they try overlook their feelings and begin to feel excited about the new baby, but it's a little disheartening to you, since they've had almost a year of feeling negative about the mother. No way to start your future relationship with her.

 

Scenario 4: You do the prenatal test and find out it is negative; you are NOT the father. You feel disappointed, you back out, you cut ties. Your family supports you. You move on with your life sooner rather than later. The 1500 was money well spent to get you a rapid answer to your psychological investment.

 

So, it boils down to this: are you sure you will not invest 1500 dollars NOW to safeguard YOUR future, your emotional investment, your relationship with your ex, your family's feelings, and the bond with the baby?

Seems to me, your BEST BET is to invest that money now.

 

You mentioned that your ex started to feel a little upset when you requested a paternity test after the baby was born?! See -- you could damage any trust and work the two of you will be building for the next several months til baby is born... whereas if you had done the test right away, she would have been MORE understanding of it.

 

I strongly suggest you do it asap, to get peace of mind, and to find out the direction you should be heading in.

It's too bad the fallout you will get from not having it done now.... the waiting will, on the one hand strengthen the romantic relationship now but threaten to damage it after baby is born and you are 'testing' after, as well as not getting your family onboard asap. Also, to safeguard YOU and your future choices by KNOWING if it IS your baby or not.

 

Let me tell you something... I spend a lot of time on the Infidelity boards here on LS and I see a lot of the time people have NO idea how long their partner has been cheating on them for.

It IS quite possible she slept with someone else before the END as YOU know it.... it is possible that the conception dates happened when she was sleeping with someone other than you. She was dishonest with you at the end, and you have no idea if you have the whole Truth.

 

So invest in that 1500 paternity test now, and see what your future is going to be, in which direction, and throw yourself in wholeheartedly.

 

Perhaps ask family members to invest in it too, by asking each person to give you $100 towards the test NOW. I'd be surprised if they don't help you.

 

However, I don't think it's the money, that is preventing you from doing it now, is it?

[The_Face]

 

However, I don't think it's the money, that is preventing you from doing it now, is it?

 

It is the money. And the confusion. And the fear of the truth. And the drama.

 

But I get paid next week. So I'll just have to deal with the anger and sadness and whatever else comes from me "bringing it up again".

 

Thanks for the advice and everything

[The_Face]

Funny, replying to one of my one posts. I was reading some of the old ones, no idea why, and I came across this one.

 

It's sad how ****ing delusional I was, not even two months ago. Since finding the news out, I've been living life in a fog and scared of the truth.

No sense dwelling on the past but this has been a real learning experience on so many different levels.

 

I can't believe how much I cared about my ex, and my actions really made things look like I didn't care at all about myself. I was being a total chump. I was blind.

 

I wish I could delete some of these old posts, because they make me cringe when I think of how much of a doormat I was. It's also a great reminder to not let anybody step all over you. If this had been "true love" then it wouldn't have hurt me this much.

 

Live and learn!

[turnera]

Look at it this way. Your threads are teaching other people not to do what you did.

[Balzac]

Coming clean here and to your family is a huge positive action.

Reading your past posts is a window into how hurt and overwhelmed and angry you have felt. All expected in this situation.

 

If the test is less costly or you can get subsidy after the birth, I see minimal to no harm in waiting. You are already emotionally invested in the new life.

The birth certificate can be amended. It's a basic procedure. It is a common procedure.