Does he realize????

[wanting more]

I know I'll get some harsh, direct, real comments but bring them on cause I need to hear them. So I've got this letter, email written up to him. I wont send it, only to myself cause in a way if makes me feel better thinking its going "somewhere" and I've also said that I won't contact him ever again but I need to get rid of the feeling I have that I have to let him know how much he's hurt me. How wrong I was to think he actually did love me. How stupid I was to believe his lies. My days are up and down, and fortunately I'm up more now than last week. But I guess I want him to hurt like he's hurt me. Sooo many questions..... How could after 3 years of talking and texting daily (except weekends) could he just stop??? I don't want to "talk" to him but I want to know he knows he hurt me. Am I wrong for wanting to hit or scream at him?? Am I wrong for wanting him to know how I feel??? How could I let myself fall in love with a MM who threw me away like trash?? Sometimes I think she's right in what she said to me in her email... I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut.

[eleanorrigby]

You are not wrong for feeling this way and he knows he hurt you. But you can show him exactly how much he hurt you by staying NC.

This will be more powerful then any words you could write to him.

[Spark1111]

No, I don't think so. I don't think it will have the results you are hoping for.

 

If he could lie to his wife; find fault with the marriage to justify the affair; string you along and then cut you off, then, no.

 

It has ALWAYS been about him; his needs, his feelings, his ego-stroking.

 

So now, I am sure he is back home telling himself whatever lies are necessary about the affair to just continue feeling justified in ending it and going total NC with you.

 

You judge a man's character based on his actions. If he could treat a spouse so cruelly as to lie and have a three-year secret affair with you, why think he would then treat you any better?

[hardlybreathing]

I know I'll get some harsh, direct, real comments but bring them on cause I need to hear them. So I've got this letter, email written up to him. I wont send it, only to myself cause in a way if makes me feel better thinking its going "somewhere" and I've also said that I won't contact him ever again but I need to get rid of the feeling I have that I have to let him know how much he's hurt me. How wrong I was to think he actually did love me. How stupid I was to believe his lies. My days are up and down, and fortunately I'm up more now than last week. But I guess I want him to hurt like he's hurt me. Sooo many questions..... How could after 3 years of talking and texting daily (except weekends) could he just stop??? I don't want to "talk" to him but I want to know he knows he hurt me. Am I wrong for wanting to hit or scream at him?? Am I wrong for wanting him to know how I feel??? How could I let myself fall in love with a MM who threw me away like trash?? Sometimes I think she's right in what she said to me in her email... I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut.

 

I am the former wife of a husband that had a mistress.

 

First of all when the affair was exposed, the first words out of his mouth was that he was worried about the OW! WTF? Are you kidding me? - so I'm sure he knows that you are hurt, but he had to make his choice and honey, it was NEVER going to be you. I can't let you off the hook because you knew damned well he was married - he was living a fantacy and you provided that escape, but when he finally came to his senses, he abandoned you because you were never real.

 

I have a very hard time understanding why any one would waste their time on a married man/woman. It's a disaster in the making - someone will be extremely hurt and with all the single people out there begging for relationships, I just can't comprehend why you would want someone elses spouse. The way that I got my comfort when I divorced my husband due to the affair was to say "there whoreon, I threw him out like trash and now you can scrape up my garbage and stuff it down your throat."

 

Sorry, I can't be sympethetic because I was the one that got hurt and it took years for me to recover. I don't put all the blame on the OW, but she pursued him knowing that he was married, he fell for it, but later regretted it - called her evey name in the book when we discussed the affair, because he wanted me - well too damn bad - you lost me when you chose wrong instead of right.

 

The upside - you will heal but take the lesson you learned with you and don't repeat it again.

[Summer Breeze]

I know I'll get some harsh, direct, real comments but bring them on cause I need to hear them. So I've got this letter, email written up to him. I wont send it, only to myself cause in a way if makes me feel better thinking its going "somewhere" and I've also said that I won't contact him ever again but I need to get rid of the feeling I have that I have to let him know how much he's hurt me. How wrong I was to think he actually did love me. How stupid I was to believe his lies. My days are up and down, and fortunately I'm up more now than last week. But I guess I want him to hurt like he's hurt me. Sooo many questions..... How could after 3 years of talking and texting daily (except weekends) could he just stop??? I don't want to "talk" to him but I want to know he knows he hurt me. Am I wrong for wanting to hit or scream at him?? Am I wrong for wanting him to know how I feel??? How could I let myself fall in love with a MM who threw me away like trash?? Sometimes I think she's right in what she said to me in her email... I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut.

 

Write your email. Post it here. Send it to your best friend or even yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the pain and the moments that seem unbearable. Good for you drawing the strength from the improvement from last week to this one. Keep reading the stories here and keep moving forward.

 

I did pretty well going NC when I ended things but there were times my mind ran away with me. I questioned everything and I finally had looked at it enough to find my own answers. That's the best your left with sometimes. I actually did the exact same when I divorced my xH. He cheated on me and I walked away and I asked the same questions. No matter what you won't get your answers so you have to find them in soul searching and figuring it all out. I know right now it probably feels like you can't figure out how to get through the day but you will.

 

Use us. We'll help. I can put on a fake mustache and type in a deep voice and if I try hard enough I can make you hate me. I'll pretend I'm him and be the biggest scumbag in the world.

 

Just don't send anything to him. You are better than him and he does not deserve you. Period.

[wanting more]

You are not wrong for feeling this way and he knows he hurt you. But you can show him exactly how much he hurt you by staying NC.

This will be more powerful then any words you could write to him.

 

 

I won't contact him. I guess that's why I posted here. Thanks

[Quiet Storm]

You have every right to want to express your feelings to him, but he already knows. He knows how hurt you are, but your feelings are not a priority to him.

[wanting more]

You judge a man's character based on his actions. If he could treat a spouse so cruelly as to lie and have a three-year secret affair with you, why think he would then treat you any better?

 

 

Point well taken.

[Summer Breeze]

Everything you are feeling is completely normal and though it might not seem like it in this moment, it's a step in the direction of healing.

 

Vent your anger and pain here, letting him know about it, won't help you. It will only hurt your more because it's unlikely you'd get the reaction you want from him. Also, imo it's a matter of pride, keeping your pride is not letting him know anything at all about what you feel or how you hurt.

 

Sending you a big hug...

 

I agree about the pride. Never lose your power and if you've lost it -- GET IT BACK!

[wanting more]

I want to but I WILL NOT email him. I needed everyone's words. Thank you

[wanting more]

I am the former wife of a husband that had a mistress.

 

First of all when the affair was exposed, the first words out of his mouth was that he was worried about the OW! WTF? Are you kidding me? - so I'm sure he knows that you are hurt, but he had to make his choice and honey, it was NEVER going to be you. I can't let you off the hook because you knew damned well he was married - he was living a fantacy and you provided that escape, but when he finally came to his senses, he abandoned you because you were never real.

 

I have a very hard time understanding why any one would waste their time on a married man/woman. It's a disaster in the making - someone will be extremely hurt and with all the single people out there begging for relationships, I just can't comprehend why you would want someone elses spouse. The way that I got my comfort when I divorced my husband due to the affair was to say "there whoreon, I threw him out like trash and now you can scrape up my garbage and stuff it down your throat."

 

Sorry, I can't be sympethetic because I was the one that got hurt and it took years for me to recover. I don't put all the blame on the OW, but she pursued him knowing that he was married, he fell for it, but later regretted it - called her evey name in the book when we discussed the affair, because he wanted me - well too damn bad - you lost me when you chose wrong instead of right.

 

The upside - you will heal but take the lesson you learned with you and don't repeat it again.

 

 

 

I understand yoh not being able to by sympathetic. And yes, I will take this lesson and never let myself get in this position again

[Owl]

You have every right to want to express your feelings to him, but he already knows. He knows how hurt you are, but your feelings are not a priority to him.

 

Exactly right. His focus right now is on rebuilding/reconciling his marriage. And that effort is MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE to maintaing communication or prioritizing your feelings above that effort.

 

It sucks...but if he's reconciling, this is how it pretty much has to go.

[sad puppy]

You are actually much further along than you think you are, by just having the presence of mind to consider whether to send or not. Anger, anger, anger - embrace it, acknowledge it, use it as fuel for your new journey. Go for a long walk, run or walk fast on a treadmill, go for a bike ride, do yoga. All of these activities will help you. It's all about you now. Get a massage, get a facial, indulge yourself, seriously, it's the best therapy.

 

Everyone is right, use NC as the tool to help you move on. Call his bluff by NOT contacting him. Commit everyday to NC. Hard at first, but it gets easier. It really does. Soon enough, you will stop counting the days. Soon enough, as you get distance and clarity, you will become stronger. You will. You may feel frail, upset, hurt, ... unfortunatley, this is life. But it is only temporary. Your feelings once you disengage, once you take those steps to move on, will get better.

 

And then, you will know in your bones, that you don't want a cheating, lying man. There are so many men that are so much better. They will love and honor you. Forget this cheater guy. He's a mess. Leave him to be in his miserable marriage. Who cares. Let it go.

 

Your life gets better every moment he's not in it. You can do it. I believe in you.

[AnotherRound]

This one situation does not define your entire life, or character, unless you let it. Yes, there are going to be others who judge you for this and will consider you nothing more than "insert name calling here" - but only you know what type of person you truly are.

 

I'm sure that you also have many good characteristics mixed in with some of those faults and bad decisions. Focus on those. I'm not saying ignore the other stuff, as you have to know it and own it to grow - but also remember, you are a good person in so many ways too. And, you can commit to never making the same mistake again (as you have).

 

Writing letters to someone and not sending them is a great processing tool. It allows you to get some of the feelings you are having out - and eventually, you won't need him to hear your thoughts and words, bc his validation will not be important to you at all. It is right now bc you are hurt, and understandably so.

 

I journal my letters to people. Sometimes, I write them out and then burn them with a little ceremony of letting go of the feelings I wrote about. It's helpful to get the stuff out of your brain and onto paper - and then let it go as best as you can. Eventually, you won't even need to write the letters anymore.

 

Good luck, it sounds like you are doing well, all things considered.

[ThatJustHappened]

 

You judge a man's character based on his actions. If he could treat a spouse so cruelly as to lie and have a three-year secret affair with you, why think he would then treat you any better?

 

I think this question needs it's own thread.

[todreaminblue]

I know I'll get some harsh, direct, real comments but bring them on cause I need to hear them. So I've got this letter, email written up to him. I wont send it, only to myself cause in a way if makes me feel better thinking its going "somewhere" and I've also said that I won't contact him ever again but I need to get rid of the feeling I have that I have to let him know how much he's hurt me. How wrong I was to think he actually did love me. How stupid I was to believe his lies. My days are up and down, and fortunately I'm up more now than last week. But I guess I want him to hurt like he's hurt me. Sooo many questions..... How could after 3 years of talking and texting daily (except weekends) could he just stop??? I don't want to "talk" to him but I want to know he knows he hurt me. Am I wrong for wanting to hit or scream at him?? Am I wrong for wanting him to know how I feel??? How could I let myself fall in love with a MM who threw me away like trash?? Sometimes I think she's right in what she said to me in her email... I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut.

 

I write letters and don't send them it does help.I journal in a fashion.As far as hurt goes i don't think you are up if you call yourself a crazy pathetic stupid slut.I think you are depressed and down on yourself.You are hurting adn you want to hit back you have to accept that you will never know why things happened the way they did for you or why you had to go through what you went through.Your future can be different it doesn't have to eb the same old same old.You can move on if you let go you are not a slut because you got used and discarded.You are not pathetic because you trusted someone.You are not crazy because you wanted to believe.You are not stupid because you werent the one to end it.The thing is , if you can look at it this way here is another perspective.......if you had stayed and this had not ended you had continued to be in this guys life getting hurt but not knowing it you would have no room for improvement no growth or you wouldn't ever be able to move on and find someone who cares about you.

 

This day right here right here in this moment is the first day of your new life.All you have to let go of the hurt and find in yourself that peace of mind that you deserve the best, that is, to be the best you can be,so you can have the best you need to be happy.Which in the second step find in yourself a HAPPINESS to be single revel in it because it iS just a step not the whole staircase merley a step closer to you having the best......you need to heal first........i wish you the best....never call yourself a slut.....especially on an internet forum that is public..never think that word and relate it to yourself ...........hugs to ya.....good luck..deb

[DBella]

I know I'll get some harsh, direct, real comments but bring them on cause I need to hear them. So I've got this letter, email written up to him. I wont send it, only to myself cause in a way if makes me feel better thinking its going "somewhere" and I've also said that I won't contact him ever again but I need to get rid of the feeling I have that I have to let him know how much he's hurt me. How wrong I was to think he actually did love me. How stupid I was to believe his lies. My days are up and down, and fortunately I'm up more now than last week. But I guess I want him to hurt like he's hurt me. Sooo many questions..... How could after 3 years of talking and texting daily (except weekends) could he just stop??? I don't want to "talk" to him but I want to know he knows he hurt me. Am I wrong for wanting to hit or scream at him?? Am I wrong for wanting him to know how I feel??? How could I let myself fall in love with a MM who threw me away like trash?? Sometimes I think she's right in what she said to me in her email... I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut.

 

Right now you are feeling like the BW felt when she found out about the A. How could he do that to me after so many years invested in him? Yeap, that's how we all feel after our H cheats on us with somebody from the street. The difference is you had the power of not allowing yourself to fall for this guy because you knew from the get go that he had a life with somebody, but the damage is already done. What you could continue to do is ignore him as you have been, forgive yourself and focus on healing while having faith that the right person for you is somewhere out there. Breakups and separations are hard at the beginning but nobody dies from that. You will get to a point that you are gonna be glad you stopped messing with him. Why would anybody continue being stuck in this type of situation? Too stressful and not healthy at all. Also, don't take the BW's words so personally. You know she is gonna call you every word in the book because you were the OW.

[ComingInHot]

Wanting More:

 

Oh my, I am SO sorry your heart is breaking! I am a little nervous over here but wanted to let you know that your replies have meant a great deal to me so I here supporting you.

 

I completely get that you want to let him know, in No uncertain terms, the pain his current actions are causing you.

 

I may not be am OW, but from what I have read from your responses, you love deeply just like me. SO .. this response is not nessesarily from a BS stand point so here me out

TRY not to email him anything! I'm afraid he may hold onto what you say to work his way back into your heart later. If he decides he wants you AND you still want him, then he should have to EARN it w/out information/insight into how you tick. ( anymore than he already does).

 

He needs to court you without being separated, already divorced, with an open honest heart in a genuine manner!

 

You deserve at least that should things end up where you two have a "legitimate" opportunity.

 

Wanting More, you have restored my faith that not all OW are my FWH's OW! Your posts already prove you are NOT a crazy, stupid, Sl#$!!... my OW is* ...Sorry, sorry sorry, I'm sure she ... ISn't.

[whichwayisup]

I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut.

 

If I read these words from you again, I'll come kick your ass. Don't say that about yourself! Nobody thinks this and you certainly shouldn't say stuff like, it serves no purpose, except to make you feel worse. Okay? No more talk like that.

[freestyle]

Black hole the S.O.B. and learn to be your own best friend.

 

I promise (and I KNOW it seems unbelievable now)--that one day, you'll find he no longer has the power to push your buttons, or cause you any more pain.

[seren]

Wanting more, if you were to read your first posts on here and compare them to the one's you have written lately you would realise just how far you have moved along, you did that, you have looked at the A squarely in the face and you have posted some very different posts which shows how much you have really thought about what it all meant. I see a very different you and I see how hard it has been for you. You are not crazy, stupid or, please never this label, a slut. I abhor all A's, someone always, but always gets hurt. If the MM doesn't know you are hurt then he is a bigger arse than I first thought. Thing is, even though he must do, he has done nothing to help you to have closure or to heal and move on. That says more about him than anything.

 

I wrote all sorts of vitrolic stuff after H's A, some to him, some to the OW and some to myself, then I burned them. I think you are more saying you want to know he knows, than you are going to break NC and send them. That's healthy and that might help you to heal, it takes time, sometimes a long time, but it happens. Be kind to yourself, be glad you are off the crazy merry go round that A's are and please recognise that you have started the rest of the journey and are doing well. I wish you peace xx

[Spark1111]

If I read these words from you again, I'll come kick your ass. Don't say that about yourself! Nobody thinks this and you certainly shouldn't say stuff like, it serves no purpose, except to make you feel worse. Okay? No more talk like that.

 

I think this is a perfect example of a man who is a master manipulator, convincing his wife WM is a stupid slut the same way he convince WM how unloved, neglected, blah, blah, blah his wife was.

 

He is really, really good.

 

Sorry for your loss and your pain.

[wanting more]

Write your email. Post it here. Send it to your best friend or even yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the pain and the moments that seem unbearable. Good for you drawing the strength from the improvement from last week to this one. Keep reading the stories here and keep moving forward.

 

I did pretty well going NC when I ended things but there were times my mind ran away with me. I questioned everything and I finally had looked at it enough to find my own answers. That's the best your left with sometimes. I actually did the exact same when I divorced my xH. He cheated on me and I walked away and I asked the same questions. No matter what you won't get your answers so you have to find them in soul searching and figuring it all out. I know right now it probably feels like you can't figure out how to get through the day but you will.

 

Use us. We'll help. I can put on a fake mustache and type in a deep voice and if I try hard enough I can make you hate me. I'll pretend I'm him and be the biggest scumbag in the world.

 

Just don't send anything to him. You are better than him and he does not deserve you. Period.

 

Thank you. And I will use you all. With so many things going on in my mind sometimes I feel like my head will explode. Posting here really does help

[wanting more]

If I read these words from you again, I'll come kick your ass. Don't say that about yourself! Nobody thinks this and you certainly shouldn't say stuff like, it serves no purpose, except to make you feel worse. Okay? No more talk like that.

 

Ok. No more talk like that. :-)

[wanting more]

Wanting More:

 

Oh my, I am SO sorry your heart is breaking! I am a little nervous over here but wanted to let you know that your replies have meant a great deal to me so I here supporting you.

 

I completely get that you want to let him know, in No uncertain terms, the pain his current actions are causing you.

 

I may not be am OW, but from what I have read from your responses, you love deeply just like me. SO .. this response is not nessesarily from a BS stand point so here me out

TRY not to email him anything! I'm afraid he may hold onto what you say to work his way back into your heart later. If he decides he wants you AND you still want him, then he should have to EARN it w/out information/insight into how you tick. ( anymore than he already does).

 

He needs to court you without being separated, already divorced, with an open honest heart in a genuine manner!

 

You deserve at least that should things end up where you two have a "legitimate" opportunity.

 

Wanting More, you have restored my faith that not all OW are my FWH's OW! Your posts already prove you are NOT a crazy, stupid, Sl#$!!... my OW is* ...Sorry, sorry sorry, I'm sure she ... ISn't.

 

Thank you for your words. I understand about being "over here" as I go "over there" often and read. For me, that really opened my eyes to acknowledging the pain of a BS.