Loving two women at once

[Sauron]

I hope this post is in the right forum. I have posted that I have loved all the women I have been with over the years, which is true, even the bitchy high maintenance ones. I love women in general, find them endlessly fascinating, intriguing and highly desireable, and I usually want to sleep with everyone of them I find attractive. So the question I have for you all is do you think a man can love two women at the same time?

[wanting more]

I think you can only really love one person. But you can lust after a whole bunch

[Leelou]

It is said that Love is a verb... so when you love them, you show them by all that you do... not as you are describing it as wanting to sex them and a 'feeling' of loving them.

 

If you loved one of those two women, you would be wholly committed to her. In deed, in action and in thought. In your heart and in your head (and your groin)... the way you are loving your women doesn't sound like Love to me.

[Saba]

... I have posted that I have loved all the women I have been with over the years, which is true, even the bitchy high maintenance ones.....

 

Can you love someone you talk about so disrepectfully?

[ThatJustHappened]

I hope this post is in the right forum. I have posted that I have loved all the women I have been with over the years, which is true, even the bitchy high maintenance ones. I love women in general, find them endlessly fascinating, intriguing and highly desireable, and I usually want to sleep with everyone of them I find attractive. So the question I have for you all is do you think a man can love two women at the same time?

 

It's certainly possible to love more than one person at a time. That doesn't make it right to act on it like a spoiled child though. If you truly loved them, you wouldn't risk hurting them by lying, cheating, sneaking around, and generally putting your own selfish wants before their feelings. From what you've told us here it's really hard to believe that you love or have ever loved anyone but yourself.

[MissBee]

I think it's possible...but in different ways.

 

Most of us have more than one serious relationship during our life where we loved the persons, but if we compare all whom we've loved, each case is different. So I do think it's possible to love more than one person at the same time..esp if you're talking about just feelings of love. However, being that we are limited in resources, like time for example, it's hard to have multiple relationships and invest a ton of emotion and time into multiple ones. People do it, like those who live polyamorous and polygamous lifestyles, but again, you can't love each person the same. Also in terms of love languages, I'm really realizing that what your partner considers loving and what they need from you to feel loved differs in relationships, so for me for example, quality time is my main love language. I think it would be hard for my partner to satisfy this need of quality time and making me feel loved if he was also claiming to love a woman who valued it as highly and was attempting to do the same for her. So in that sense, that competition for his time would end up making me feel unloved, even if he does love me.

 

But Sauron, you seem to be describing lust more so than love so based on what you describe, of course one can want to have sex with lots of women, get to know them, etc. It doesn't need to be about love, in terms of love as an investment or relationship.I truly believe some are more cut out for exploring other people by way of having short relationships or flings versus attempting to be monogamous. You seem like such a man.

[somewhat_ENTP]

I think it depends on how you define "love".

 

I believe that part of "love" involves a certain level of duty and exclusivity, so given this definition, you can only "love" one person at a time.

 

However, I believe you can love different traits in different people/appreciate them for it, but this is a very self-centered view that doesn't take into account how they would feel about certain things.

 

Women tend to view the "emotional affair" as almost worse than a "physical affair" (from my experience).

[2sunny]

Love is different than sex. Your definition of love isn't aligned with mine.

 

The actions in loving BEHAVIOR shouldn't need to cause harm to "others"...yet, your version would IF your truth were revealed.

 

You are mixing up love and sex- two separate things in this scenario.

[veryhappy]

Of course you can love more women at once. You can only be in love with one though. Just the way the brain is.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you must love women like you love cheeseburgers, or motorcycles or action movies.

 

You love the entertainment, the excitement, the satisfaction that they provide you. You consume them.

 

So if that's what love is to you, then yes, you can love more than one woman.

[AnotherRound]

I definitely think that any human can love more than one person at a time. We all do this daily... we love our brothers and sisters, our parents, our grandparents, our cousins. I have two dogs, and I love both of them, every day. It's not like I have to choose which one to love, I just love them both. In very different ways some days (crazy dogs!) but neither one more than the other.

 

I think the trick is, that you CAN love more than one person at a time, BUT usually humans want to be exclusively loved by their SO and vice versa. So, despite having love for two women, if they aren't both in agreement with you doing so, I would think it would be hurtful to one or both of them if they found out (didn't know?) that you were also loving someone else.

 

I think we naturally want to be "the only one". However, I know that my exMM loved his stbxw (still loves?) in some ways. They have a child together, that's a pretty strong bond in itself, imo, sharing a child. So, there is no doubt in my mind that he loves her and he loves me. Maybe differently? Maybe at different levels? Or maybe the same. It would be pretty hard to measure that out I would think.

 

I have never loved two men at once, but I have cared for more than one at once. I loved one tremendously, and cared greatly for the other. So, if I had to choose for some reason, I would have chosen the one that I loved - and not the one that I cared for. I have also found, that as I move through life, my ability to love has changed. It has become a different thing for me, a different feeling... stronger. So, the love I had for my first love is now greatly overshadowed by the love I have for my ExMM (who was my most recent "love"). So, I consider the love for my ExMM my "most" love to date. My exH is somewhere in between my first love and exMM. And, if I move on to someone else, not exMM, I'm convinced that I will love that person even more strongly than I did exMM. I could be wrong, and exMM could be my "peak" love, but I don't think that right now.

 

Any reason you are asking the question? I have some people on ignore, but I'm sure you will get some attacks on this one Again, I love hearing your perspective - it's a look into an unconventional mind, and to me, that is ALWAYS interesting.

[wanting more]

I hope this post is in the right forum. I have posted that I have loved all the women I have been with over the years, which is true, even the bitchy high maintenance ones. I love women in general, find them endlessly fascinating, intriguing and highly desireable, and I usually want to sleep with everyone of them I find attractive. So the question I have for you all is do you think a man can love two women at the same time?

 

 

Can I ask why this question now?? You've been straight forward on all your post and replies about your W, OW, and OOW. You know you're not leaving and if one of the "others" moves on you'd be ok with that. Why now are you wondering if you could love 2 women??

[Sauron]

No, a man who "loves" two (or more) women at the same time is a man who loves only himself.

 

You seem to be completely wrong about so many things.

[Sauron]

It is said that Love is a verb... so when you love them, you show them by all that you do... not as you are describing it as wanting to sex them and a 'feeling' of loving them.

 

If you loved one of those two women, you would be wholly committed to her. In deed, in action and in thought. In your heart and in your head (and your groin)... the way you are loving your women doesn't sound like Love to me.

 

You didn't read what I said or didn't understand. Just because I have lust, doesn't mean love. I will say that lust or desire is the first step to love. In my situation. I really do develop feelings of love for all my partners to varying degrees. Currently I do love my wife, and love my OW as well. I would say that if love would be charted on a contiuum the love for my wife is more mature, the love my OW is less mature, but more exciting and desireable.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't abuse the word 'love'. It is in and of itself, pure and giving.

Love means always putting the other person first. It nurtures and helps growth.

It is selfless and unconditional.

You sir, do not feel love.

you feel warmth, companionship, a stirring of a good feeling in mind, heart and groin - but it's not love if you divide it, select to apply it where you best feel it goes and juggle its level of intensity.

You can call it self-appeasing affection - but please do not shame the priceless quality of its preciousness.

[Sauron]

It's certainly possible to love more than one person at a time. That doesn't make it right to act on it like a spoiled child though. If you truly loved them, you wouldn't risk hurting them by lying, cheating, sneaking around, and generally putting your own selfish wants before their feelings. From what you've told us here it's really hard to believe that you love or have ever loved anyone but yourself.

 

What is love? Really, it is a biological response that is hormone driven. The brain produces oxytocin in abundance which stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain when you think about the loved one. I will submit to you that regardless of the context, I can love, care for and please more than one woman at time. It is only in the last few hundred years that this became taboo in Western Soceity. I do not feel like a spoiled child, I am a mature man in a multiple mature realtionships. Because it doesn't fit your definition of what's right, doesn't mean its wrong.

[Sauron]

I think it's possible...but in different ways.

 

Most of us have more than one serious relationship during our life where we loved the persons, but if we compare all whom we've loved, each case is different. So I do think it's possible to love more than one person at the same time..esp if you're talking about just feelings of love. However, being that we are limited in resources, like time for example, it's hard to have multiple relationships and invest a ton of emotion and time into multiple ones. People do it, like those who live polyamorous and polygamous lifestyles, but again, you can't love each person the same. Also in terms of love languages, I'm really realizing that what your partner considers loving and what they need from you to feel loved differs in relationships, so for me for example, quality time is my main love language. I think it would be hard for my partner to satisfy this need of quality time and making me feel loved if he was also claiming to love a woman who valued it as highly and was attempting to do the same for her. So in that sense, that competition for his time would end up making me feel unloved, even if he does love me.

 

But Sauron, you seem to be describing lust more so than love so based on what you describe, of course one can want to have sex with lots of women, get to know them, etc. It doesn't need to be about love, in terms of love as an investment or relationship.I truly believe some are more cut out for exploring other people by way of having short relationships or flings versus attempting to be monogamous. You seem like such a man.

 

Finally a response that has some merit. If you read my post, I really feel I have love for all the women in my life. And as you pointed out, it is different, it is not all the same, and it varies in what is needed by my partners, what one wants is different than what another wants or needs. I like your concept of love language. My wife's love language is security, I would say which I provide in abundance. My OW's love language is sexual chemistry and the need to feel desired, I would say its more complex than that but for the sake a bervity it will have to do. I provide that in abundance as well. I love them both in very different ways. My OOW's love language is being listened to and taken seriously, I also provide that in abundance. Even though she is a FWB mostly, I make her feel loved, according to her, and I care about her as woman and feel love for her as well. She is also a good lover.

Edited September 23, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sauron]

I think it depends on how you define "love".

 

I believe that part of "love" involves a certain level of duty and exclusivity, so given this definition, you can only "love" one person at a time.

 

However, I believe you can love different traits in different people/appreciate them for it, but this is a very self-centered view that doesn't take into account how they would feel about certain things.

 

Women tend to view the "emotional affair" as almost worse than a "physical affair" (from my experience).

 

Please offer up YOUR complete definition of love, I would be very interested to hear it.

[TaraMaiden]

"Fidelity" obviously doesn't figure in your definitions. I see the emotion you impart as being flawed, damaged and diluted.

I certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of what you define as 'love'.

And if I was your wife, I'd love to see the back of you, and file for divorce.

 

"It's me you married, it's me you promised fidelity to.

You liar. "

 

How can anyone believe any self-justifying word that comes out of your mouth?

[LaCurieuse]

What is love? Really, it is a biological response that is hormone driven. The brain produces oxytocin in abundance which stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain when you think about the loved one. I will submit to you that regardless of the context, I can love, care for and please more than one woman at time. It is only in the last few hundred years that this became taboo in Western Soceity. I do not feel like a spoiled child, I am a mature man in a multiple mature realtionships. Because it doesn't fit your definition of what's right, doesn't mean its wrong.

 

I personally do not have an issue with the idea of being in mutliple, loving relationships. I think people are not so much judging this aspect of your situation but rather the fact that those women are not working with the same amount of information as you.

 

They are in a relationship with you, not knowing what they have signed up for. Truly mature relationships which foster love are ones in which both parties are clear on the terms and conditions. If these women know you are involved with other women, and still want to be with you, then there is no problem. If they do not know, then that makes you insincere and selfish, only focusing on what YOU want out of the relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

How can you align the factors of lying, cheating, deceit and infidelity with 'love'?

Is this then, how you love your wife? By withholding information, feeding her lies, deceit and infidelity, just because having multiple partners makes you feel good all over?

 

Review your definition instead of asking us to give you ours.

[Sauron]

Of course you can love more women at once. You can only be in love with one though. Just the way the brain is.

 

This is interesting. Can you say more? My brain seems to be OK loving more than one woman. As I mentioned, at a brain chemical level, the science of love seems to be understood and being more understood everyday. Valopressin is a brain chemical that is released that allegedly keeps us in monogamous realtonships, I have thought maybe I might have a problem producing that chemical. It is thougt in mammals that the release of this chemical is for survival of offspring by bonding a couple together.

[LaCurieuse]

I personally do not have an issue with the idea of being in mutliple, loving relationships. I think people are not so much judging this aspect of your situation but rather the fact that those women are not working with the same amount of information as you.

 

They are in a relationship with you, not knowing what they have signed up for. Truly mature relationships which foster love are ones in which both parties are clear on the terms and conditions. If these women know you are involved with other women, and still want to be with you, then there is no problem. If they do not know, then that makes you insincere and selfish, only focusing on what YOU want out of the relationship.

 

I do think it's interesting that you choose not to respond to this reflection. It seems that this is truly at the heart of your dilemma, and not the chemicals in your brain you are so keen to discuss.

[Sauron]

I definitely think that any human can love more than one person at a time. We all do this daily... we love our brothers and sisters, our parents, our grandparents, our cousins. I have two dogs, and I love both of them, every day. It's not like I have to choose which one to love, I just love them both. In very different ways some days (crazy dogs!) but neither one more than the other.

 

I think the trick is, that you CAN love more than one person at a time, BUT usually humans want to be exclusively loved by their SO and vice versa. So, despite having love for two women, if they aren't both in agreement with you doing so, I would think it would be hurtful to one or both of them if they found out (didn't know?) that you were also loving someone else.

 

I think we naturally want to be "the only one". However, I know that my exMM loved his stbxw (still loves?) in some ways. They have a child together, that's a pretty strong bond in itself, imo, sharing a child. So, there is no doubt in my mind that he loves her and he loves me. Maybe differently? Maybe at different levels? Or maybe the same. It would be pretty hard to measure that out I would think.

 

I have never loved two men at once, but I have cared for more than one at once. I loved one tremendously, and cared greatly for the other. So, if I had to choose for some reason, I would have chosen the one that I loved - and not the one that I cared for. I have also found, that as I move through life, my ability to love has changed. It has become a different thing for me, a different feeling... stronger. So, the love I had for my first love is now greatly overshadowed by the love I have for my ExMM (who was my most recent "love"). So, I consider the love for my ExMM my "most" love to date. My exH is somewhere in between my first love and exMM. And, if I move on to someone else, not exMM, I'm convinced that I will love that person even more strongly than I did exMM. I could be wrong, and exMM could be my "peak" love, but I don't think that right now.

 

Any reason you are asking the question? I have some people on ignore, but I'm sure you will get some attacks on this one Again, I love hearing your perspective - it's a look into an unconventional mind, and to me, that is ALWAYS interesting.

 

Thank you AR. I am asking out of intellectual curiosity. I have friend that discussed this with me as well. I love my wife for many reasons, even though I do not like some things about her, and as you mentioned we do have children together and that is a bond. I also love my OW, but for different reasons as I pointed out in an earlier response. I thought posting in the OW forum would get some reasonable feedback. And I feel love for all the women I have been with. Ins't there a reason sex is reffered to as love making? I get high of that connection with a partner during the intimate sensual moments we spend together.

[Sauron]

Don't abuse the word 'love'. It is in and of itself, pure and giving.

Love means always putting the other person first. It nurtures and helps growth.

It is selfless and unconditional.

You sir, do not feel love.

you feel warmth, companionship, a stirring of a good feeling in mind, heart and groin - but it's not love if you divide it, select to apply it where you best feel it goes and juggle its level of intensity.

You can call it self-appeasing affection - but please do not shame the priceless quality of its preciousness.

 

I resectfully disagree. I put all of my loves first when I am with them. You are saying love is exclusive, fine that's your point of view and your opinion and I respect it. But when I am with my OW, she is first. When I am with my wife she is first. When I am with my OOW she is first. It does not abuse, and after all it is just a word.