Broken forever? *warning wall of text crit incoming

[TylerOSU]

I need to vent a bit.

 

My wife and I split back in october of last year...and it's coming up on the year anniversary of that sad day.

 

Officially divorced May 20th, 2012.

 

Darkest year of my life, probably worse than my mom passing away back in college, at least then I had more friends, family, younger attitude/prospects etc going for me...I turn 30 in a few days as well...not exactly over the hill, but no spring chicken....my self asteem is at all time low.

 

After she left, she wanted to come back the first couple weeks. I just wasn't ready and wouldn't fly her back,

 

To give a litle background, she was sick from brain injury(post concussive syndrom from falling of pickup back in HS) so she had chronic headaches, nasuea, vertigo, pain, along with a host of mental issues like bi-polar/depression etc. She hadn't been able to work for a few years, and was filing for disabilyt the last 4 years to no avail, it's a screwed up system to say the least. Despite all this, I married her back in 2008...a tad nervous about what I undertook....but I was classic co-depedent so little did i know....then...

 

She came home on oct 17th, from her first counseling appointment in a long time too boot(to curb getting more into drinking), and said as I was just waking up "I make you miserable, I should just leave" And I've done this song and dance before, but this time I just couldn't find the words, stamina whatever to pull her down from the proverbial ledge yet again. So I said maybe that's for the best. Bought her plane ticket to Arizona to live with her friends for forseable future, drove to airport 2 hours later, and that was the last I saw of my wife.

 

We had met back in 2004, sophmore year in college she was my first major g/f, broke my V-Card even...She was key in filing the painful void my mom left after she passed in Jan of that same year....We did everyhing together....she liked to game, sports, hilarious offbeat sense of humoar(Adult Swim steals her idea, I swear)....a real good person overall despite her mental/physical issues, and someone who deserved to be loved and looked after.

 

Problem was, we REALLY did everything together, leaving little room for other friends, I had already become a bit of hermit after my mom died, that and my gaming obsession led me to isolate myself mroe adn more. I missed out on a lot of great college things as my focus post-2004 was Michelle/gaming/school, sadly in that order I suppose. Michelle and I broke up a few times early on, she was only 18, I was 22, she was pretty immature and also LDS/republican at the time, not a great mesh for myself.

 

After college I bounced around lost, living with my cousin, then michelle's parents, whom I had to evac rather quickly after we had a major falling out after she went into the crisis care ward for suicidal stuff. Apparently she was appaled I told my parents about this, and wanted me to move out, which I did, equally paniced and distraught.

 

That was 2007, and i should have learned my lesson then.

 

I dated a little more, got my first stable job post college and was doing ok on some SSRIs. And then Michelle started poking her way back in. Broke up with my g/f of 3 months, not that it was really going anywhere I think, and it's hard to compete with Michelle on the fun factor level, which being younger and naieve, was higher on my list than career, "being nice"(Lol) etc that my current g/f had....oh well.

 

So Michelle and I dated again, and eventualy moved in together and we got married about 4 months later June 30th, 2008.

 

Cue the rollercoaster.

 

 

Lost job, struggeld for a few months, found new job. Lost that 2 months later.

 

Paniced and distraught, moved in with inlawys for the 2nd time around up in Oregon City.

 

That lasted 7 months and ended badly with her screwed up meth abusing step-father corrupting the environment, and his super-codependent apologist wife.

 

Moved into apartment, but was so hammerd on paying her medical premium, we decided to save money to move into an RV out near Sandy, 30min from Mt.Hood.

 

Put further strain on our relationship, 200sq feet, isolated, not too many like minded youngsters around in the RV park. That lasted 6 months.

 

Moved back to Ocity to be closer to work, but in hindsight should have moved to Portland proper, hook into social network/community and get a new job.

 

Speaking of my job, I have worked 3.5 years toiling away as graveyard for a group home for developmentally disabled folks. Make $22k/year+benefits, and it does offer me 7+hrs free time a night to read, watch shows, surf web etc, but it cost me dearly in many ways. I became more and more isolated..also worked weekends, so very little acton for the wife and I with other folks. Plus we were cash straped so we couldn't easily hang and roll with a lot of my post-college buddies around town/trips etc, or so I thought at the time. My skills from college have really atrophied, especially subtle social cues and behaviors. I also didn't hang out with any co-workers the entire time, whcih is probably unheard of for any job, let alone 3+years.

 

I thought I was better than alot my co-workers. I had a degree, I was happily married, had great family etc. This was just a brief stopover to better things....little did I know my own demons would devour me soon enough.

 

You see i've struggled with being deppressed/anxious my whole life I think. Was helicoptered-momed into college until she passed, and really lost my sense of being. I can't make big decisions, I thought it might be some kind of ADD thing(not officlay diagnosed) but who knows...anxiety/ADD...whatever it is it's really nutty. Case in point after my wife left I spent literally everyday racking my brain about what to do, pro/con about bringing her back or not, agonzing over the long dark hours of work, asking my family for advice. I just couldn't arrive at a decision; I was too scared to commit one way or the other, despite my longing to reuinite with my best and only true friend I had.

 

I tried to talk her into coming back back in Jan/Feb 2012, but she wouldn't have it. She "went dead inside" and was moving on, though one time in late Feb she called and told me she wanted to come back...only to kill me the next day by saying she changed her mind...Problem is...I think I was just asking her to come back because I didn't want the guilt of destroying our realtionship; I wanted to be the one who offered the last olive branch, I didn't want that burden. So my attempts came across a s bit half-assed I think, I was asking about "lets talk about solutions" rather than the "I'm flying you home immediately" approach.

 

Course to complcate matters further she left where she was staying with her sister in Cali, to go to TEXAS(!) to live withs om random friends she knew from Job Corps. TEXAS!?!

 

THen the divorce talk got serious. She was demanding all kinds of payment optoions; laptops, $1k, $2k. I was freaking out all the time, sleeping in way late because I didn't want to face reality. Was super paranoid she was going to drain my back account even, which stupidly was still active with her having access if she really wanted to do something, this is the kind of denial/hoping she would come back mentality I had for months, didn't even protect my finances from ruin until she turned nasty. Luckily I secured my monies and started the divorce filing process, even thouhgt i handled that poorly too by not going by the book. Eventually got it sorted and gave her a GENEROUS $2k payment, though I thought it was kinda insane sucha high amount was warranted cosidering i made all money during our marriage...but there was some stuf she did put into like tv, car etc. She tried to claim the bed($2k value) because she had FOUND it on the side of the road while driving wiht me...lol. GIRL IS BAT****!!!

 

 

I'm a real emotional basket case, if i didn't work lowkey graveyards, I think I would snap under any big stressors with work. In fact im kinda scared of facing some major issue, like medical injury...

 

Now that michelle is gone im left with myself and all my issues; no distraction, no scapegoat excuse....and I don't quite know how to handle all the pressure. I know about getting out more, hobbies, volunteering, change job/house, and I'm doing a bitin each, but it all feels like such a futile attempt. I was very suicidal back in Nov/Dec just from shock/pain without wifey. Then rebounded a bit and chose life as suicide just logically seems crazy. THink about it...you dead....and if there is no afterlife, you are just "nothing.: So that RELIEF you are after you cannot know because you are worm food. Worse yet, lets say there is some penalty for suicide...major bummer man. NOt only that, it's a permanent soloution to largely short-term issues, a bit extreme to say the least. To top it all off, anyone who cares about you is ****ed over for the rest of their life with that pain of loss, that more than anything keeps me from offing myself, but really that concenrs just my parents, as sadly I don't think many people would really be that torn up for long. What I don't like feeling is by being a bit of a loser of sorts who is struggling all the time....it does seem like that pain overtime might equal the pain from me dying....it's not like I think my parents want me dead just to not have to deal wiht my drama lol....but sometimes I just get so ****ing tired of rehashing the same crap year after year. I guess that's my penalty for not fully dealing with things earlier eh?

 

Suicide seems to be about freedom and contorl too...I remember when I lost that job I had after 2 months..man I did feel like it then too, I was thinking suicide was preferable to being homeless(SHAME) or having to move in wiht other people while I got on my feet. Being homeless scares the **** ouf me , even though in reality my cousin, aunt, parents would take me in if I ever got that bad I guess.....moreso now that michelle is gone...I think thats one thinng I was senseing....I felt as i got closer to 30, I really needed to focus on ME and lugging around Mcihelle was just not conducive.....and its kinda ****ed up too but I think I chose my parents financial/loving support over her in some ways. I felt like she was bringing me down at the time and if I could just be free of this burdne everything would be better...oh little did i realize how stupid that seems now. HINDSIGHT YOU ARE A MOTHER ****ER!

 

 

Think a lot about how I used to just lay in bed, kinda moaning/upset/frustrated with things. But I would do this even for like going over to friends house...just sense of anxiety/dread, like minor agoraphobia which is silly. This kind of stuff drove michelle nuts, and rightly so as I didn't get a handle on it. LEARNED HELPLESSNESS is something I came across recently as well...I just gave up without really realizing it...michelle actrually was more of a fighter in many ways and still is as she made the decisive move to leave and ultiamtely stay away.

 

Despite all this, since Jan 2012 I've lost 40lbs(going vegan helps, if only for 3 months), started yoga, cycling(nearly car-free), being more socially/civically engaged(got weekends off!) and more. I even started quasi-dating a girl, though she's not ready for serious stuff now, and fraknly neither am I. Cycling is really big fo me, I never thought I could do like 15+miles in one go, but I've been making trips int Ptown and just enjoying the freedom, burn and simplicity. It's a very driven, aggresive mindset it puts me in, listen to some Grunge rock/80s Transformers/Rocky soundtrack stuff to grow stronger still. I did buy a bike recently, and all my nuerotics came to play in that too. I feel like I rushed the decision....which is eerily what happend with this decision about moving earlier in the month, or not as it turned out. I had a primo spot lined up, great price, spot for my dog, I could bike/bus, the guy was cool, same ageish, fellow nerd/biker guy(mechanic even!) it was PERFECT transition place. But I ****ing whigged out. I came jhome after my graveyard shift, which I told him I would take the place because I did manage ot muster the courage to go for it, plus it seemed on paper AWESOME as I just stated.

 

Escapism is so central to my being it's rough to get ove. I wanted to really move this commune called Alpha Farm because it seemed like the perfect release from teh BS of this world. But upon visiting it in June, I realized you really can't escape entirely. There was a deshevled, chaotic nature ot the place. People kionda funked out, lost of sorts, passing through. I really dug the community vibe and feel, but the prospects of making little to no income there over the years was too much finality to handle....I dunno...maybe it's just the fact it woudl be a huge change for me...I was thinking it would be a good spot to at least do an internship(if they'd have me, I don't really meet many pre-reqs I suppose).

 

I just feel like everday I'm loising more and more of my santiy, not much is grounding/normalizing me, if people would just help convince me I'm "normal, but troubled" like I think I am I would feel so much better. That's why michelle was a nice security blanket of sorts, as longa s I had her I had a piece of serenity and comfort despite all her issues. This goes back to my mom, whom I used to just dump all muy emotions/thoughts etc in 45min-1hr diarreeah ofthe mouth episodes. She just linstend and let me vent, it was so nice. I find myself wantint to do that with that Amanda girl but I don't want to trouble her further and its alot to ask for someone so new...I have such an issue wtih shame/embarrasment and PLEASING others. Hell, I don't want to return the bike I boght primarly because I would feel like a jackass(shame) and maybe displease the owners(looking bad). Smae thing with that failed move...I honestly didn't want to screw him out of a person to fill it as he was waiting for me so I was freaking out instead of just sleeping on it.

 

Maybe im a lot of more deppressd than I think ai ma too. I was watching MTV video awards, and just to see all the smiling/happy folk felt so forieng to me, and i can relate to that over the years, I always felt a bit aloof, like an outsider in a lot of racous situations, always in my SHELL. I never dance, I don't really lose my mind that much except at a few sporting events once im warmed up....Michelle used to call me NEGATRON lol....don't tell me i need ot be on SSRIS my whole life....

 

Wtf is wrong with me? I didn't want to get on western meds for several reasons: side effects, anti-western meds in general($$$ placebo BS), require doctor/prescription somestimes pricey, take forever to kick in and then once they do, is it the med really or combinatin of other factors? I've been on 2-3 diff drugs over the eyars, for a few months at at time, and usually feel better to pull off like doctors reccomend most times. last one I took with regulatiryt was Dexedrine, more for concentration issues. and it did perk me up and allow abit better focus, even without upping the dose at all. But then I think i screwed iup, stared only taking it when i did my work shifts, and then started getting paranoid it was hurting me after doing some research(its LEGAL speed basically) so I started downcycling...of course I didn't consult my doctor on how exactly to do this, so hopefully I didn't screw up my biochemistry brain from that. Interestingly enouhg, as I was downcycling it was the summer before Michelle left, and I think i was a tad moodier becuase of it, I could definately tell at work I was way more lethargic with that hit.

 

I just YEARN to have that PERSON to fill the void michelle left. Even just a platonic friend like Amanda. A couple nihjts this week I would test and see if she would text me could have just been busy/phone dead but she didn't, even when I sent a couple texts before she went to bed just to check in on her day ...No one really texts ME. I WANT someone to vent to me, to come to me, invite me to things. Like I said earlier, its a lot easier being without friends if you don't try and wall yourself off basically, which I did so masterfully in my late college years and beyond. Then you just get in that bubble and you don't realize whats going on. But I think I force that too much on people, and I feel like such urgency to get better friends before i get "old and uncool" as they say lol. I showed up to a phone bank the other day for Obama, and realized that I was the youngest person there for 5-10 years at least....but yet once you hit 28+ you are kinda in that grey "adult" zone. But my inner mind concept has always been 30 going on 22 really...always been several years behing the "typical" curve..got my license late(22), fist g/f(22), first full time job(25), first solo apartment(26)....so maybe I'm just continuing on that late bloomer track.

 

What's really silly, after writing all this stuff...I wonder if it hurts to rehash so much or just focu son the present/future more, stay positive, don't be weighed down by stuff in past. Learn and move on. I know the simple fact that being social/engaging with activities is amazing....once I can change my freaking joba nd actually be BUSY at work instead of pining away, I think that will do wonders for my neurosis...just need the courage. AM I MAKING THIS ALL WORSE? MY OWN PRISON/ENEMY?

[Leelou]

I'm sorry that your mother passed away when you were so young, in college. Yes, you sound like a little bit of a late bloomer, but you sound alright.

 

I suggest you get a piece of paper and a pen, and you write down three goals you would like to achieve in relatively short term -- 1-3 years time, then write down three goals you would like to achieve long term -- 10 years time. Next, be specific in each of your goals, exactly WHAT you want to get. Next, draw up steps to achieve, to get you to those goals. Research everything you need if you don't know how to get to your goal.

 

If you follow your steps, you are practically guaranteed to succeed and reach your goals.

Be sure to WRITE all this down, it's not enough to just 'think' it.

 

Periodically, say, every second week, check to make sure you are 'on track' with your set goals. Determine what skills, knowledge, or abilities you will need to achieve any of those goals, and actively seek those out by attending courses, etc.

 

Everyday that you live, you are either moving closer to those things that you want, or you are choosing things that will move you farther away from those goals. Make sure you do little steps every day that move you closer to what you want.

 

The first thing you did here, by listing your story and your unhappiness and what you wish for (wanting someone in your life, etc) is the first step, so well done, you have begun the journey of being the best you can be, and making reachable goals to help you find happiness in your life.

[Yasuandio]

The advice above is outstanding. I used a similar system myself, and earned a Ph.D., and reached my goal to teach in a University.

 

I am not a medical doctor, but I do understand ADHD, anxiety, depression, and bi-polar desease, because I'm treated for those conditions, see my doctors on a regular basis, and take my medication.

 

It's entirely possible that the writing style of your posting, as well as some of it's content reflects some elements of ADHD, depression, and anxiety (obsessing, overthinking, over-functioning, some procrastination, inabilty to focus, indeciveness, difficult to concentrate, loss of self esteme, lack of confidence, isolation, agoraphobia, escapism, suicidal thoughts, and perhaps some issues coping with the loss of your mother and your marriage etc.).

 

Leeloo has given you a fabulous idea, that works, even if you have a disability, my accomplishments are a testiment to that. But how can you focus on anything if you are admittedly strugging with ADHD? You also mention SSRI's and their cost. I don't think that's a good excuse these days - many SSRI's are generic, and cost only $4.00.

 

Young man, you need to see a doctor - preferably, a psychiatrist - and be evaluated. You are obviously a canidate for weekly therapy as well. You sound mixed up and depressed enough to check yourself into a mental health - really. Sometimes that is required to get medication started and regulated. There has to be something in your area that could support you.

 

If you do not want to move with this man - put it in writing - and tell him the truth (you are coping with an illness). Simple. Have someone go with you to return the bike. Remember - you are the customer - they do not want you bad-mouthing their store.

 

Finially, as other will tell you, Michelle will not make you happy - you must make yourself a happy person. True happiness comes from within, it cannot be dictated or dependant on a partner.

 

It is great that you reached out here.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck to you. Yas

[Hawaii50]

Could be in Afghanistan pining away or the last 5yrs.

[Gunny376]

Been there and done that! Got so low, down and out I was lower than a rattlesnake in a wagon rut.

 

There use to be a poster, showing a mouse trying to get down in a hole in a field, but was blocked from doing so, with an eagle with outstretched talons swooping down on him.

 

In the poster it shows the mouse with his left forearm outstretched giving the eagle "The Finger"

 

The caption to the poster?

 

"The Last Great Act of Defiance"

 

That's ME! I'm not going out wihtout kicking and screaming! Same damn way I came into this world.

 

Did the "walk-a-way, cheating, crazy, she's crazy for leaving, bankruptcy, problems with the IRS, broke, un-employeed, can't find a damn job, working a humilating job, underemployed, living alone. Did the drinking till I'm blind drunk thing. Did the "draging around a dead horse and saddle everywhere I go thing"

 

Went through through (Still going through) the "parential alienation thing with the kids. Daughter is back on-board. Son isn't. "My Daddy (Not me) did more for me than you have!" Even though I gave the XHEXeverything from a 11 year marriage but the clothes off my back, (Did it for the kids not her.) She took everything worth stealing. Gave her the tax deduction for the kids. Took and paid all of the bills from the marriage, to include her car payment, paid the health and dental, braces for the kids. And I'm still the SOB, primarly because the XHEX constantly is promoting Husband No. # 3 toward the kids as the Messiah and the Fair Hair Golden Boy ~ when all he really is her "Toy Boy" that she finally found to run and control ~ "Mama ain't Happy ~ Ain't Nobody Happy!" ~ "My Way or the Highway.

 

Did the rebound relationship thing. Same deal.

 

Went solitary for the better of fourteen years. Not really living, just exsisting. One day spilling over into another.

 

Meet a gal, being knowing her for about ten years. She's been wanting to get with me for the better part of them. I was "NO, NO, NO! Just friends!

 

I was so burned out on women, dating, mating and relationships I wasn't even interested in a $1000 a night Los Vega hooker giving away free samples at WalMart!

 

But Mrs. Gunny hung in there over ten years, and finally I "Cottoned Up" to the idea of her and I getting together.

 

She's solid as a rock. I honestly believe I could come home and tell her that I "F'd" up and killed someone! and she wouldn't say a word except walk out and start throwing a pair of shovels in the back of the truck!

 

Life is a trip that's for sure and certain ~ and its worth one taking! A lot of time you've just got to get in, sit down, shut up, grab a hold, and ride that mother~trucker to the end.

 

Life for me has been somewhere between swinging between a laugh and a tear ~ I've seen it as I've swung by. Sometimes you've just got to laugh to keep from crying. Sometimes its just seems too damned ridiculous to live. Too damned absured!

 

I've learned (through living 55 years and all the crap that I've been through and gone through) that's Life is worth living. I like to think that all the crap that I've been through has been to prepare me for the joy and jewels of life that I have and enjoy now.

 

I've come to realize that God (In whatever form you recognize Him as) has laid a lot of good things at my feet, a lot of precisous jewels ~ that I was just too damnd blind to see.

 

I've learned that it is absolutely possible to be in love with ~ compeltely and totally with the absolute worse person for you mentally, mentally, psychollogically, financially. emotionally, etc.

 

I've learned to find peace in and with the simplest of things! I've learned that there are good and righteous people in this life ~ indeed most people are. Its only the 10% that makes us believe that any and all others are like the 10%.

 

I've learned that so-called "fat women" are the best Lovers, mates, wives, most fun to be with and have fun with. They have their heads and minds in the "right" place.

 

I've learned that so called HotBabes X 10 are some of the most insecure, narrcisstic, self centered, selfish bitches there are. To quote one Hot Babe X 10 I once dated, "I'm having a bad day, and SO you're not going to have such a good one either!"

 

I've had my share of HotBabes X 10 (HBX10). I've dated and been with women who are the daughters of millionaires X 10 and even 100. I've been the "Trophy Boyfriend" at the Country Club. Yada ~ Yada ~ Yada! (Excuse me while I puke! )

 

Now that I'm with Mrs Gunny? I wouldn't give you a "Slug Nickle" (Point of reference ~ you once could coin cheap metal in machine shop into nickles that drink machines would take as nickles ~ back when you could buy a soda out of a dispensing machine for a quarter ~ thus the term "Slug Nickle") for any of them prior to her!

 

All this to say to the OP?

 

Life most definately worth living! And yea its crossed my mind a time ~ especailly when I was going through the s*** with the XHEX. Came so damned close to putting a .45 to my head! But I couldn't do it because I didn't want to leave a WORLD of grieve and sorrow, questions, "yea buts, and what if's behind.

 

Instead I reached out and picked up the phone and called a friend and told him to come and get me! Checked myself into the "South Wing of the Naval Hospital in Okinawa. I was more homicidal than suicidal. I was on the verge of cutting up some young, dumb stupid SOB that was nothing more than a "Toy Boy" to the XHEX!

 

IF YOU THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE? JUST PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE AND CALL SOMEONE! ANYONE! THAT'S WHAT 911 IS FOR! THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU!

 

SUCIDE THOUGHTS USALLY PASS WITHIN 24 TO 48 HOURS, AND WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHERSIDE YOU'RE THINKING?

 

WHAT THE F*** WAS I THINKING!

 

Love isn't worth ~ NO LOVE ~ IS WORTH DYING FOR! Not the want nor need of it! Nor being a drunk over ~ nor doing drugs to ease the pain.

 

Feel free to PM me ~ Hell I'll even give you my home phone #

[Steen719]

Been there and done that! Got so low, down and out I was lower than a rattlesnake in a wagon rut.

 

There use to be a poster, showing a mouse trying to get down in a hole in a field, but was blocked from doing so, with an eagle with outstretched talons swooping down on him.

 

In the poster it shows the mouse with his left forearm outstretched giving the eagle "The Finger"

 

The caption to the poster?

 

"The Last Great Act of Defiance"

 

That's ME! I'm not going out wihtout kicking and screaming! Same damn way I came into this world.

 

Did the "walk-a-way, cheating, crazy, she's crazy for leaving, bankruptcy, problems with the IRS, broke, un-employeed, can't find a damn job, working a humilating job, underemployed, living alone. Did the drinking till I'm blind drunk thing. Did the "draging around a dead horse and saddle everywhere I go thing"

 

Went through through (Still going through) the "parential alienation thing with the kids. Daughter is back on-board. Son isn't. "My Daddy (Not me) did more for me than you have!" Even though I gave the XHEXeverything from a 11 year marriage but the clothes off my back, (Did it for the kids not her.) She took everything worth stealing. Gave her the tax deduction for the kids. Took and paid all of the bills from the marriage, to include her car payment, paid the health and dental, braces for the kids. And I'm still the SOB, primarly because the XHEX constantly is promoting Husband No. # 3 toward the kids as the Messiah and the Fair Hair Golden Boy ~ when all he really is her "Toy Boy" that she finally found to run and control ~ "Mama ain't Happy ~ Ain't Nobody Happy!" ~ "My Way or the Highway.

 

Did the rebound relationship thing. Same deal.

 

Went solitary for the better of fourteen years. Not really living, just exsisting. One day spilling over into another.

 

Meet a gal, being knowing her for about ten years. She's been wanting to get with me for the better part of them. I was "NO, NO, NO! Just friends!

 

I was so burned out on women, dating, mating and relationships I wasn't even interested in a $1000 a night Los Vega hooker giving away free samples at WalMart!

 

But Mrs. Gunny hung in there over ten years, and finally I "Cottoned Up" to the idea of her and I getting together.

 

She's solid as a rock. I honestly believe I could come home and tell her that I "F'd" up and killed someone! and she wouldn't say a word except walk out and start throwing a pair of shovels in the back of the truck!

 

Life is a trip that's for sure and certain ~ and its worth one taking! A lot of time you've just got to get in, sit down, shut up, grab a hold, and ride that mother~trucker to the end.

 

Life for me has been somewhere between swinging between a laugh and a tear ~ I've seen it as I've swung by. Sometimes you've just got to laugh to keep from crying. Sometimes its just seems too damned ridiculous to live. Too damned absured!

 

I've learned (through living 55 years and all the crap that I've been through and gone through) that's Life is worth living. I like to think that all the crap that I've been through has been to prepare me for the joy and jewels of life that I have and enjoy now.

 

I've come to realize that God (In whatever form you recognize Him as) has laid a lot of good things at my feet, a lot of precisous jewels ~ that I was just too damnd blind to see.

 

I've learned that it is absolutely possible to be in love with ~ compeltely and totally with the absolute worse person for you mentally, mentally, psychollogically, financially. emotionally, etc.

 

I've learned to find peace in and with the simplest of things! I've learned that there are good and righteous people in this life ~ indeed most people are. Its only the 10% that makes us believe that any and all others are like the 10%.

 

I've learned that so-called "fat women" are the best Lovers, mates, wives, most fun to be with and have fun with. They have their heads and minds in the "right" place.

 

I've learned that so called HotBabes X 10 are some of the most insecure, narrcisstic, self centered, selfish bitches there are. To quote one Hot Babe X 10 I once dated, "I'm having a bad day, and SO you're not going to have such a good one either!"

 

I've had my share of HotBabes X 10 (HBX10). I've dated and been with women who are the daughters of millionaires X 10 and even 100. I've been the "Trophy Boyfriend" at the Country Club. Yada ~ Yada ~ Yada! (Excuse me while I puke! )

 

Now that I'm with Mrs Gunny? I wouldn't give you a "Slug Nickle" (Point of reference ~ you once could coin cheap metal in machine shop into nickles that drink machines would take as nickles ~ back when you could buy a soda out of a dispensing machine for a quarter ~ thus the term "Slug Nickle") for any of them prior to her!

 

All this to say to the OP?

 

Life most definately worth living! And yea its crossed my mind a time ~ especailly when I was going through the s*** with the XHEX. Came so damned close to putting a .45 to my head! But I couldn't do it because I didn't want to leave a WORLD of grieve and sorrow, questions, "yea buts, and what if's behind.

 

Instead I reached out and picked up the phone and called a friend and told him to come and get me! Checked myself into the "South Wing of the Naval Hospital in Okinawa. I was more homicidal than suicidal. I was on the verge of cutting up some young, dumb stupid SOB that was nothing more than a "Toy Boy" to the XHEX!

 

IF YOU THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE? JUST PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE AND CALL SOMEONE! ANYONE! THAT'S WHAT 911 IS FOR! THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU!

 

SUCIDE THOUGHTS USALLY PASS WITHIN 24 TO 48 HOURS, AND WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHERSIDE YOU'RE THINKING?

 

WHAT THE F*** WAS I THINKING!

 

Love isn't worth ~ NO LOVE ~ IS WORTH DYING FOR! Not the want nor need of it! Nor being a drunk over ~ nor doing drugs to ease the pain.

 

Feel free to PM me ~ Hell I'll even give you my home phone #

 

I always feel good when I read your posts, Gunny, That is saying something because sometimes on here, there is so much sadness. Your wife is a lucky woman (and vice versa, it seems) and I'm glad she waited it out for you.

[Yasuandio]

You now have outstanding advice from some very smart people. Gunny is d' man. What better support can you ask for, Tyler? Wakie, wakie. See a doctor asap. Report back to us. Yas