Should I Believe my Wife

[mattzeo]

Two weeks ago I discovered a "pay as you go" cell phone in my wife's purse and confronted her about it. She stated that it was given to her by another female coworker who bought it and didn't like the phone, and had switched to another provider. My wife said it was given to her about one month ago by her coworker, and that I could feel free to call the lady and confirm that she gave her the phone. I was upset, but didn't bother to call the coworker because I believed her. I asked her why she was hiding the phone and she stated that she was keeping it so that she could check up on me. I checked the phone, and there was no history of calls on the phone whatsoever, and there were no texts either. I then drilled her a little more and asked when was the last time she used the phone, and for what purposes. She replied that she would only turn the phone on to check the battery level about once a week. She claimed her coworker didn't give her the charger for the phone which I believed, and still do. I then with her present began to explore the different phone options and found a camera folder and inside I found two pictures my wife had taken of herself in the mirror bare breasted lathered with soap! I almost died! I just showed her the pictures and I said THOSE ARE YOUR BREASTS!!! She calmly replied yes. I asked her what they were doing on the phone and she stated that one day she was masturbating while I was at work and couldn't orgasm, so she took a shower, and became aroused. She then stated that she went into her purse, took the phone, went to the bathroom mirror, lathered up her breasts, and took pictures of them and her vagina for her own use to arouse herself. She said she used the pictures to fantasize while gratifying herself in bed, and thought she had deleted them, but apparently missed the two breast pictures. One had the bar of soap in a seductive way on her breast, and the other was just her hand groping her soapy breast.

 

We have been married 25 years. I have never committed adultery, although she did discover some emails a few years ago that I exchanged with a female coworker that were signed love in closing, although out of all the emails, not a one suggested anything of a sexual nature, although I understood her being extremely upset when she discovered them. I wasn't trying to hide the emails as my wife always had access to my account.

 

We have spent hours discussing the phone and nude pix on it. She continues to claim her intent was innocent, and that she is not having an affair. I cannot believe her even though I would like to. The whole story just doesn't make a lot of sense. Even she agrees that she wouldn't believe me if it were the other way around. I asked her why she deceived me by hiding the phone and she still says it was to kep tabs on me if she needed it. She says it aroused her to see herself nude in the pix. From a male point of view, that seems unbelievable. I couldn't get turned on by looking at nude pix of myself!!! Perhaps females are different?

 

A couple of days into our discussions, I asked her what else is she hiding from me? After a short pause, she stated that she had been going to tanning sessions since June on her lunch hour!!! That just floored me. Secret phone, nude pix, and now total body tanning that she never told me about. She said that she didn't tell me because she wanted to see if I would notice. I said WHAT??? I did tell you one day that your face was tanned and you said you sat outside on lunch break. She said that was the truth, she said she had actually sat out that day instead of going to her unlimited tanning.

 

She is now to the point where she says she wants the marriage to end, and has stated that one of us has to leave because she no longer wants to stay married. She states that I will never believe her and that the marriage is over because she cannot take it anymore. I want to work on repairing the damage, but she doesn't. I told her just come clean no matter what she has done, and she says she is telling the truth. I can live with her making a mistake, no matter how bad it is. I just cannot live with or come to terms with a lie. How can i stop my mind from torturing me? The truth regardless of what is would be a lot easier to come to terms with. She knows I love and adore her very much. Please tell me if I'm the one who is wrong?

[BetrayedH]

She's having an affair and this nuisance you are becoming is getting in the way of her fun.

 

It's unfortunate that you have revealed your sources and been confrontational. You need to stop that. Pretend like you've accepted her word as the truth. She has either asked her affair partner to lay low for a while or she has taken the affair underground.

 

I wanted proof of my wife's affair. I got it by putting a GPS on her car. You could also put a voice activated recorder under her steering column.

 

She will lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. They only adit as much as you know and frequently try to turn the tables on you, saying that your paranoia is ruining the marriage. It's called gaslighting. Don't fall for it but pretend like you have. Go into investigative mode. Consider hiring a PI.

 

I'm not joking. You are way behind the curve. You need to use your head rather than your emotions right now.

 

Good luck.

[Hawaii50]

Good word "gaslighting!"

 

Yeah it sounds like she's being unfaithful and is playing games about ending the marriage in order to get your mind off "her" as the subject. shiesty lil' cunt.

[darkmoon]

do you think she loves you? if yes, and you love her too, look, divorce can be lonely, just saying

[Minnie09]

She's not telling the truth, obviously, and either has a full-blown or a developing A, or some random sex buddies she's texting with. Why else would she take pics of herself with a phone that was supposed to be hidden from you? I agree with the poster above, that you shouldn't have revealed your source of information just yet, but that's the mistake we all make before we get familiar with the cheater's mindset. Now you know. You won't make that mistake again. If you're done, you're done, but if you're not, you'll have a road ahead of you that's tough. You'll have to play PI. There are plenty of options out there for you: VAR, GPS, PI, snooping on e-mails, guessing passwords, ... The list goes on.*

 

She says she's had it with you, because you don't trust her and will never believe her? Haven't we all heard the same words out of our lying pos cheating spouses? They want to deflect and blameshift, because they're 1) embarrassed and 2) want to lay the groundwork to further deceit in the future. Don't buy it. But at this point, if you stand your ground and don't give in, she might turn her back on you and leave. To many cheaters, the humiliation of getting caught is much harder to take than the consequences of a divorce. The rebuilding of trust is a hard challenge for them, not easy, because they know that for a long time they'll be questioned all the time, and rightfully so, and they won't put up with it, because they are weak. They'd rather lie to themselves and everyone else and say the M had been long over before the **** hit the fan. It's just easier for them this way, and they like to choose the easy path.*

 

Good luck to you, for whatever you may decide. How old are you guys, btw? And what about your own inappropriate e-mail convo she found out about years ago? What was that all about? Did that trigger the desire in her to "get even"? Not that I'm condoning it, but it may explain a lot.

[g450]

Mattzeo I feel for you. 25 years is a long time. For me it was 23 years when d-day hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

Honestly bro, You are or at least were in denial. Everything you posted makes it so obviouse that she is having an affair that a blind man could see it.

 

Just thank God you didnt have kids with her. I had to start over at 48 and that was rough but Im remmaried at age 50 and happier than I was in my first marriage. Just do what needs to be done. Get proof first of all and then seek a free first time legal consultation and find out what your options are. Then start separating your accounts.

 

At least she was honest when she said she was done with your marriage. Mine did the same thing. Believe them the first time they say it. Once they say that there is no going back. Get ready for different future.

[Later82012]

We should never stop those who want to leave because it is basically useless.

[road]

Yes you can believe your gut, WW is lying, having an affair.

[mattzeo]

Thank you all for the responses. You were correct, she admitted to an 8 year affair late last night. It was devastating to hear, and I'm having a VERY hard time accepting that I was played for a fool for that long. I'm 50 now, and have adult children. It was painful for them to find out too. I packed up her vehicle and shipped the little tramp out. I would be lying if I said I didn't still love her. I just cannot accept the deception, and the duration. Supposedly she called it off two weeks ago, but that doesn't make a difference to me. The marriage is over, and I will be doing a pro se divorce as she agreed to take $80K and leave without wanting half of my pension.

 

Minnie09, the "email convo" was something she discovered in 2009, 5 years into HER affair. It basically consisted of signing emails with love. The content of the email was not sexual in the least. It was just signing "Love, Mattzeo" to a female worker, so it wasn't payback because she was already 5 years into the affair, all though she certainly made me feel lower than whale dung since then. Little did I know that she was cheating on me at the time. BTW, I had her read the posts and that's what got her to ante up. I hope to carry on with life at some point, but I'm really crushed at the moment. I cannot erase the mental images that haunt me day and night. Where does a fifty year old man begin anew? The dreams I had for the both of us are crushed. How can people we love be so cruel?

 

Thanks again all.

[CptObvious]

80 grand well spent gramps. It ain't over yet, I'm willing to bet my pension that you're losing your pension. The real pain is just about to begin.

[Later82012]

Where does a fifty year old man begin anew?

It is easy for me to say that you will find someone, but I am sure you will definitely find someone and I am also sure that they will be better than this wife of yours that you lost 8 years ago. I believe that there is always someone out there looking for us at any point in time and I think everyone should believe in that.

[BetrayedH]

Just wanted to express my sorrow for you. I signed divorce papers about two weeks ago to end a 19 year relationship with my wife. She had a year-long affair and I was blindsided, too. It's not your fault; we're supposed to trust our spouse and she took advantage of it.

 

I am 42 and beginning a second life. Give it time and you will see it as somewhat liberating. My Dday was about 17 months ago (spent 8 months trying to reconcile and the rest mediating the divorce) and I am pretty much forward thinking at this point. Unfortunately, my youngest is just six years old so I have 12 years or so of dealing with her almost daily. Have to admit that I am jealous of you to some extent in that you can avoid that nonsense because your children are grown.

 

There's no doubt that it sucks donkey dicks but given time, you'll realize that the rest of your life is better off spent without them.

 

I also agree with the other poster that you need to "lawyer-up." Her gracious agreement last night will come to an end. She will follow her attorney's advice and they are merciless. She will be, too. My wife got very aggressive in mediation even though she said she would "own" the fact that she had an affair. Her attorney attacked me full force about my moral character. She (and your wife) know no boundaries and you're best served to expect the absolute worst. Besides, what has her character shown you so far?

 

Good luck on your healing journey.