I physically hurt him today...

[jnel921]

My initial problem with my husband was us not having time together. We sat down and started talking about how to go about fixing our issues. Because we have this big wall of issues i suggested we talk about it one block at time. Make some ground rules where we stay on the topic and come to a resolve we can both work and live with. It seemed like a good idea at first.... But of course his first issue was space.... This really did upset me although I didnt show it.

 

Earlier this week he mentions that the guys are going to the bar to wish one of them well as they will be leaving the job soon. I asked my husband if it was ok to meet later on in the evening. He said nothing. Before he left he called me and I asked him which bar was he going to and what was he wearing. ( I wanted to get an idea if he was dressed for a club). But he became enraged with these questions. Then he said that he may not even stay at that particular bar and that he may call his other friend so they could meet up to play pool. At that point I was like.."Hello didnt I ask to meet with you?" But at that point he was yelling again at the top of his lungs. Told me he would call me when he's ready to come home and that may be before 1am.

 

To make a long story short....1am passed and he wasnt home and he wasnt picking up his phone. He calls me at close to 2am from the club and we have another fight on the phone which makes him feel he needs to come home later. So he gets home by 3am.

 

I was livid. How am I supposed to trust when this is his attitude. I felt so locked out I cant even explain the anxiety I was feeling. He comes in and we argued some more. He made it sound like he didnt have a good time cause he was too busy thinking about us fighting. Yet he never bothered to pick up the phone and call me to ask me down? Then later he admitted that female co-workers were at this party. This upset me even moreso.

 

This morning I got up early because I couldn't sleep. We got into words and he wouldn't listen. He made fun of my feelings and I grabbed his sneaker and hit him realy hard in the groin. he was shocked as well as hurt and crying in disbelief. Now I feel that our relationship is scarred. I've had anger therapy so I am disappointed with myself and that I even allowed myself to revisit those emotions.

 

I'm not sure what will happen next. Our marriage is definetly damaged.

 

J

[moimeme]

Aggression solves nothing. Unless/until both of you are willing to explore your issues in a spirit of partnership seeking solutions to problems rather than enmity, the marriage is doomed and so, perhaps, is one of you. If you default to aggression rather than to cooperation, you ought not be in a relationship.

[Adunaphel]

I probably have the potential to become an abusive person later in life,

since I feel for you and I have not the least amount of sympathy for you husband.

 

I believe that what he put you through yesterday night must have hurt no less than the blow you aimed at his groin (ouch).

 

But moimeme is right, aggression will not solve anything.

 

Unless your marriage was *already*damaged, perhaps it will live through this.

It also depends on what kind of person your husband is....some people will forgive an isolated episode of physical attack, some won't.

Was it the first time you hit him?

If so perhaps he'll consider this, as well as the emotional state you were in, and you'll be able to work things out and forget the episode.

 

I wish you luck.

[jnel921]

Yes this was the first time I have ever become this angry. It is because I am trying to take a proactiv role in trying to make this marriage work is why I am so dissapointed.

 

I usually try to stay away from agression. I will be quiet most of the times to allow certin things to process in my mind so that I can understand it a little better and not fly off the handle which is very easy to do sometimes.

 

Our marriage had its problems...nothing that couldn't be resolved without some effort. The biggest issue for us was his hours and the quality time I felt we needed to try and have together.

 

I've been thinking about this all day and cant keep from crying. He has called me 3X since.... antagonizing me.

 

I am ready to shut down.

 

J

[Kat]

At the end of the day doesn't matter how annoying HE was, it was you who made it physical.

 

Why has he been calling you? Why aren't you calling him to apologise to talk?

 

Once the 'abuse' boundry is crossed, you will find that it either ends the relationship or allowes more abuse to surface because it is seen as normal.

 

YOU need to mend this. A lot of people get angry, doesn't mean they are excused for taking that further and assaulting someone

[FolderWife]

Well well well.....*sigh*

 

He wouldn't let you explain your question over the phone because he was yelling? Hmmmm, very immature on his part, to not even give you the benefit of the doubt. He wouldn't answer his phone, and he wouldn't let you know where he was.

 

Oh, and THEN he adds that there were in fact, women there, and THEN he stays out until 3 a.m., and THEN he makes fun of you!?!?!?!

 

I'd be mad enough to hit him in the balls too! :lol:

 

Joking aside, you should never get mad. Anger is an emotion that should never be felt. What you REALLY were was sad and hurt, because he totally disregarded your feelings. You wanted to go to the party with him, and he didn't want you to go *or at least that's what you think* and that hurt your feelings. He stayed out til 3 a.m. just to hurt you *I believe that's what he did, and so do you...he stayed out late, so you'd worry, and have to sit at home wondering where he was, who he was with, and wanting to hash out the argument and not being able to, because he was missing* The way he's acting, he could've very well slept with someone *I don't think he did, but I'm sure the thought entered your mind*

 

You felt helpless. You wanted to hang out with him, but he wouldn't let you, and he mistreated you. Things got out of YOUR control, and you hit him to make them sway your way *instinctively...I honestly don't blame you, because things were out of control*

 

NOW. Can you tell him why you were hurt? Don't say, "YOU DIDN'T WANT ME THERE!" Say, "It hurt my feelings, because I FELT LIKE you didn't want me there. Then, you wouldn't answer your phone, so I could explain what I meant when I asked you where you were, and what you were wearing. Then, you come home late, and I feel like you did that just to hurt me, and then you completely disregard my feelings, and make fun of me, like you don't even care about me! I'm sorry I lost control, and hit you, and it will never happen again. From now on, I won't get angry..I'll feel what I'm really feeling, and that's hurt...not angry."

 

Even if he makes fun of you, he'll hear that, because it's you telling him how you feel, and not blaming him for being an a**h***.

 

You weren't the only one being abusive. He abused you emotionally too. He stayed out late JUST TO HURT YOU...there was no point in it, because he said himself that he wasn't having fun. So he stayed out late to put you in your place. So since his intentions were mean, it's abuse. Also, he made fun of your feelings, like there's something wrong with you for being hurt. ABUSE! You weren't abusive until you hit him.

 

He dished out emotional abuse, and you dished out physical abuse. Neither of you excersized very good relationship skills, but it's nothing that can't be mended.

 

You need to apologize for hitting him. Don't excuse it. Don't say, "i'm sorry for hitting you, but you shouldn't have made fun of me." no no no. Any apology that ends with blame isn't worth a cent. Say you're sorry that you hit him. THEN, tell him that he really hurt you. Say that doesn't excuse your loss of control, and you are really sorry that you hit him with a shoe (hit him with a shoe!? ) and next time you'll excersize more control.

 

Don't just say, "I'll never hit you again" give him reasons you'll never do it again. Tell him how you know. Promising to never do it again is not believable unless you give reasons you'll never do it again.

 

Be sure he knows how he hurt you, so he won't do it again.

 

You may want to explain how he hurt you before you apologize. That way, it doesn't sound like you're excusing your hitting him....with a show I'm sorry, it's funny!

 

Again, never get angry. What you were really feeling was hurt, because he had no regard for you. Fear, because he was being completely irrational, and you didn't want "damage done to the relationship". You were probably confused as to why he was acting that way over nothing, and all these emotions came out together as rage.

 

Just analyze yourself to death, and you'll be fine.

[jnel921]

Monday,

 

I know its wrong but yes I did laugh too after reading some of your post. I still cant beleive I hit him and its still haunting me...A size 11 Allen Iverson hightop sneaker!!!!. I feel really bad about it. I know I was wrong. Yes, you're right I did really want to go and he didnt give me an option which...yes hurt me more. I did apologize and tell him how I felt and he explained that he just wanted it to be an all guys type of night. He said he couldnt control the fact that yes women do go to bars and that if some of the women from his command show up that that wasnt his doing. Of course that didnt make me feel better but I accepted it as much as it did hurt me still.

 

I did at one point get upset because after it was all said and done he wanted to talk to me about the details of the evening. I told him in a non threating way that I really didnt care to hear it, I really felt that if I wasnt invited I didnt want to hear about the fun because it would hurt me more.

 

He respected my feelings at that point but I could tell he was yupset over me feeling like that. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to say...but its how I honestly feel.

 

I try not to be selfish. With his schedule being the way it is all I want is quality time and to have some fun with him every now and then. If he is out with the guys I just feel like I want to be a part of that and not be home alone. We've talked about having a baby together but I sometimes feel that if that happens this will be his reasons to tell me that I need to be home while he is out and about and our time will be over. It makes me sad because I know I would love to have his child...but these feelings about what would happen between us just dont go away and it keeps me on birth control.

[tanbark813]

I don't think the women replying to this post have any idea how much it hurts to be hit in the groin. Notice how there are no guys laughing about it.

 

I think your husband was in the wrong as far as the space issues and going out to the club and all that. But that shot to the balls was completely unjustified.

[Debster]

I don't think the issue is the lack of quality time together, I think it is the lack of respect - on both sides.

[SoleMate]

I grabbed his sneaker and hit him realy hard in the groin. he was shocked as well as hurt and crying in disbelief.

His behavior was very annoying, no doubt, but the others are right - YOU are the one who crossed the line and made this into a physical assault instead of just a stupid lovers' spat. I am amazed he is still calling you. He has a lot more stomach for ugly physical abuse that I do. A man who did the equivalent to me would not ever experience the pleasure of my company again.

 

I've had anger therapy so I am disappointed with myself and that I even allowed myself to revisit those emotions.

I understand anger. The emotions may be there, and yes, those feelings can get WILDLY out of control. But you need to control your actions. Just don't strike that blow. You should have turned around and walked away. If you want to save your marriage, go get some REAL help that will focus on helping you control and channel urges to physically assault your husband. It is not so much the feelings that need to be prevented, but the actual assault.

 

And if you talk to your husband at all, your words should be "I am so sorry, how can you ever forgive me? What I did was unforgivable." (Keep in mind that if you hadn't escalated like this, you could be listening to his apology instead.)

 

And, pro forma, try <URL removed> to see if you folks have a chance. Good luck.

[HokeyReligions]

I admit I did not read the whole thread. I just want to say a little something based on your first post.

 

You said [color=darkblue]i suggested we talk about it one block at time. Make some ground rules where we stay on the topic and come to a resolve we can both work and live with. It seemed like a good idea at first.... [/color]

 

This is a good idea, but unless you have structure and guidelines to follow---it's a very difficult task.

 

I know this from experience. My husband and I tried to establish our own guidelines about how we would communicate and we kept getting off track. Then I went to the <removed> website (I mention this a lot because I have had real success and stress-relief from using the site)

 

At <removed> I read the information provided. My husband also read the information. I then followed their procedures and printed out the first questionnaire. One copy for me, one for my husband. Hubby and I agreed to set aside an hour on the next Wednesday to discuss the questionnaires. According to Marriagebuilders.com, we should exchange the completed questionnaires and read each others. My husband and I approached it this way; we each filled out our own, and we sat down together and read our own to the other person. This allowed us to discuss our answers, expand on them, clarify them, and actually LEARN about ourselves and our partner from them. We agreed to stick ONLY to the question asked and if either of us began to get off-track, the other would stop and no one would get angry about that.

 

We did this for a long time (over a couple of months) and sometimes we couldn't get all the way through a questionnaire in an hour. It is self-counseling in a structured manner and it DID HELP US.

We made notes about ourselves and we still pull out the questionnaires sometimes to remind us of what we learned and how we want to approach things.

 

It is an excellent tool.

[jnel921]

I am a member of marriagebuilders.com, as a matter of fact I joined 7 years ago when I was having issues with my x-husband and was going through infidelity. That's basically what led to that divorce.

 

I will look into the questionaires and see where that takes us. There are other issues we need to work on too...like rebuilding the level of respect.

 

J

[Pained]

I have severe endometriosis. I go through a LOT of pain "down there" for about fourteen days out of each month. While I totally disagree with physical violence of ANY kind, sometimes I get tired of hearing about men who occasionally take a shot to the nuts. Get over it. Life isn't always about cheesecake and roses. Granted, it sucks if it was your wife who caused the pain, but it's not like your pain is any worse than ours. Mind you, I don't find it funny, but I don't find my own condition funny either, yet a lot of men think nothing of harrassing a woman over being "on the rag".

 

That being said, I believe men tend to respond a lot better when we aren't overreacting. So your honey's coworkers were there. So what? He's not allowed to socialize with his female coworkers? My boyfriend is good friends with a very attractive female coworker, but I KNOW nothing is going on. He also occasionally has lunch with his ex-girlfriend, who works at the same place as he does. I KNOW nothing is going on there either.

 

True, he was inconsiderate, but when he said he was going out, perhaps you could have said, "Have fun. I'm going out too," and then made plans to go out with your friends. Trust me, halfway through the night he'd be calling you to find out how things are going and if he can see you later.

 

Men really hate to be nagged and wheedled and chased and whined at. It's amazing, however, what some self-confidence and individuality (in other words, having your own life and happily living it) will do to them.

[jnel921]

Pained,

 

I do agree with you...Had I planned the evening where I went out also he probably would have called me every hour to see what exactly I was up to. He has done that in the past. But that is not the game I want to play with him because that is not what I really want to do. My issue is that I would like him to initiate the thought of us going out together. Now the whole thing with the co-workers is that he does spend more time at work with them then he does me. He's at work when he is using the gym 5 times a week. Goes into work an hour and a half earlier. So if there is a time where they are all headed to a bar/club... Why should it matter if I am there or not. He sometimes spends 10-12 hours with these people. I'm either asleep or at work. Where is my time? It may sound selfish on my part but being the wife of an officer isnt easy. There are stories and things you hear all the time and it can really be upsetting.

 

I knew that this life wouldn't be easy but I never thought I'd be this angered either.

[Moose]

I just wanted to say that it sounds to me that there could be some smothering going on here. I know that when I felt smothered, I had to get away and enjoy, "My time", away from my wife and family. I also understand when my wife wants to go away for the weekend on her own. I even make the arrangements for her and make sure that she gets the full treatment, ( Spa, massage, manicure, hair ), but, there is a fine line between understanding the need to get away and plain avoiding the home life.

 

Your husband is an officer. One who's normally in control of his immediate surroundings, it sounds to me that when he is home, it's a totally different enviroment. He no longer feels like he's the one in command and it scares him, yes I did say scares him. Men get on the defensive only when they're afraid of something and if any man denies this, he's lying.

 

I'm going under the assumption that your two are fairly new to marraige, am I right? If so, it's going to take a little time to establish the pecking order at home. I suggest that you find a good Church with a Sunday School Class that is focused on either newlyweds or Families Under Construction.

 

I also think that you need a little more patience with him. Like I said, he's scared.....treat him so. Also, I do think that he should've handle that night a little better.....it sounded quite immature to me.....something I used to do.....hehe

[jnel921]

Moose,

 

I can't Imagine my husband being afraid. Defensive yes! This is what upsets me. No matter how I explain that we rarely have some time....It goes in one ear and out the other. When he does have a full day with me...He will fill it with activities that he enjoys...like golfing or watching movies that he chooses. He will rarely ask me what it is that I want and when I do ask it gets to the point where I feel like I am begging.

 

He used to like doing things with me. Now we cant even talk. I find myself backing up and sometimes not even wanting to go home or even not talking to him because I feel angry and keeping it in is better than blowing up and saying or doing something that I will regret.

 

Yes he is an officer, but he gets to have conversations and pretty much hang all day with the other guys and girls. I have an ofice job and my only communication with others is my phone which I am really not supposed to be using if I am trying to do my job. At the end of the day I want to talk to him and he is just plain talked out. So someone else gets what I need. This hurts me. Yes we have only been married 4 months and I hate the way this is going.

 

Church isnt an option because he doesnt belong to a faith. We initially started the talks but that crumbled when he decided he wanted to do what he did with the bar situation. I am so tired of begging for attention...this is how I feel.

[Moose]

jnel,

 

I'm sorry to say this, but it seems there is something else bothering him. He's feeling guilty about something, otherwise he wouldn't be so withdrawn. You've only been married for a short time so I wouldn't think he's cheating on you although it is a possibilty.

 

Have you tried reverse phsycology? Act like it doesn't bother you anymore. Encourage him to go out, and you plan something for yourself to do. Go out with your friends, or to see a movie on your own, or whatever it is you enjoy and do it alone. I know that this isn't your goal, you want to be able to things with your husband, this is a step you'll have to take to achieve what you want and need.

 

Give him the freedom to do what he wants and act like it doesn't bother you.....he'll begin to wonder what's going on with you and perhaps pay more attention to you. It seems that talking doesn't do any good at all, so now it's time to put some action into it and let that speak for you.

 

My wife and I went through the same thing when we were newlyweds, only we had children right off the bat so that was a hinderance on us both. She pulled this trick on me and it worked.....I began to think she didn't care anymore and that worried me....so I paid more attention to her and spent more time with her as well. She would still like to go out more even today and I should practice what I preach. Hmmmmmm, after I'm done typing this up, I'm gonna make some reservations.......thanks!!!!

[jnel921]

LOL... Good move Moose... Your wife will appreciate it and the fact that you thought of her and wanting to do something just with her.

 

We both have children from previous marriages. I have 2 (ages 8 and 6) and he has a teenage daughter (almost 16) who we just picked up on Monday who will be staying with us for the rest of the year. So trust me I totally understand the hinderance.

 

I think this is what makes it worse sometimes. Especially when I am feeling sad, hurt and anry over the constant BS between us.

 

Just before I called him. Today is his day off but he was on his way to work out. I was trying to talk to him and he was too busy talking to everyone over there. Then he tells me I shouldn't be on the phone at my job talking to him anyway. How am I supposed to feel when he says these things to me?

[Moose]

Like I said, give him a dose of his own medicine. And please don't have any fear that it will back fire. Leave him totally alone. Remember, you don't care what he does anymore because he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. After him saying that to you, I would never call him again!!!

 

When he is home, kill him with kindness. Act like in your in a good mood all the time. Some guys don't realize the hurt they inflict on others until something negative happens to them. And by that I mean, he's going to see that he can't hurt you anymore by not spending time with you. ( Personally, I think some men aren't happy unless they are causing fights at home ). Then he'll begin to wonder what you're up to and will cause him to want to spend time with you just to find out.

 

His defensiveness is a sure sign of him feeling guilty about something. I just wish we all could read minds and know what the other is thinking.

 

I wish you luck, and if you can't get attention from him, I'm always here M-F, 8-5 and I love to talk....

 

Moose

[ShareHer]

Originally posted by Moose

jnel,

 

I'm sorry to say this, but it seems there is something else bothering him. He's feeling guilty about something, otherwise he wouldn't be so withdrawn. You've only been married for a short time so I wouldn't think he's cheating on you although it is a possibilty.

 

Have you tried reverse phsycology? Act like it doesn't bother you anymore. Encourage him to go out, and you plan something for yourself to do. Go out with your friends, or to see a movie on your own, or whatever it is you enjoy and do it alone. I know that this isn't your goal, you want to be able to things with your husband, this is a step you'll have to take to achieve what you want and need.

 

Give him the freedom to do what he wants and act like it doesn't bother you.....he'll begin to wonder what's going on with you and perhaps pay more attention to you. It seems that talking doesn't do any good at all, so now it's time to put some action into it and let that speak for you.

 

Like I said, give him a dose of his own medicine. And please don't have any fear that it will back fire. Leave him totally alone. Remember, you don't care what he does anymore because he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. After him saying that to you, I would never call him again!!!

 

When he is home, kill him with kindness. Act like in your in a good mood all the time...

 

Ummmmm, this is called game playing. Go to any personal ad site and you'll find the most common statement people make is "NO GAME PLAYERS!" What kind of advice is that? Act? Pretend? Sheeeesh, what kind of relationship is this supposed to be? A make believe one?

 

Of course I don't agree with what you say most of the time but you really dropped the ball with this one. When she trys this and it all blows up in her face, I hope you're here for her, M-F, 8-5 as you said to give her some better advice.