absence makes the heart grow fonder... or resentful?

[juli017]

I'd really like your opinions on this because I think a lot of people out there are hoping that absence will make someone realize that they did have feelings for the other person after all.

 

Here's my story and how that quote applies to me now... (sorry for it being long)

 

We started off as FWB. But as things got further along, we got really close emotionally.

 

When he started to neglect me, I dropped him as a FWB and started casually dating other guys.

 

That's when he stepped up and started paying attention and trying to get on my good side.

 

We became friends with NO benefits.

 

He started to call me more, share more about himself with me, and actually poured out his feelings to me (he hasn't done this with anyone because he's told me he's not close to any of his friends).

 

I guess it made me feel special since he was sharing all this with only me...

 

Well one night, we ended up having sex (don't know what came over me xD ) but I told him that we can't do this anymore.

 

He said is it because I was afraid of getting hurt. He then started to tell me that he knew I liked him for awhile now, but he didn't want to "expose" me.

 

He then proceeded to tell me that he's able to let himself go be himself around me, is able to talk to me about anything, that it's comfortable and relaxing around me, and that I'm a really amazing girl (unlike any he's met before)...

 

He even said I'd make an awesome girlfriend...

 

But...

 

He won't be able to make me happy because he won't be able to spend time to me because of his career... And something about his last relationship failing because of this.

 

I don't understand... how can you tell someone all this, have this awesome connection, and reject them?

 

I wrote him a farewell letter 2 weeks ago and that's that.

 

He didn't want to let our friendship go... but he's just leading me on and keeping me around to fill his void.

 

Since then, I've been growing more and more resentful towards this guy. I do miss him and cry about it every now and then, but the hurt, anger and hate are building as time goes on.

 

I'm not sure how he's feeling (probably "too busy working" to care...)

 

I wonder if he will miss me and whether this will make him grow fonder of me? Will he resent me as I am starting to with him?

 

What do you guys think? Did you grow more fonder for the other person or more resentful?

[TaraMaiden]

It doesn't matter.

It's over, you've cut off all contact.

work on yourself, don't let it make you seethe, because you're not moving on then, you're staying stuck in your old emotional state.

He's not your problem any more.

YOU are your problem, because you won't let go.....

[juli017]

It doesn't matter.

It's over, you've cut off all contact.

work on yourself, don't let it make you seethe, because you're not moving on then, you're staying stuck in your old emotional state.

He's not your problem any more.

YOU are your problem, because you won't let go.....

 

Guess I'm just hurt over what a waste because this relationship could've lead to something awesome... and that he rejected me when clearly we had such a great thing going...

 

Yea it is all over. I don't think I'll ever hear or see him ever again.

 

And I guess it's all over in the fact that after this one, I just don't believe in love anymore.

 

Everyone is breaking up/divorcing the real thing doesn't happen in the age of GIGS and "so many fish in the sea why stick with one" mentality.

[todreaminblue]

I'd really like your opinions on this because I think a lot of people out there are hoping that absence will make someone realize that they did have feelings for the other person after all.

 

Here's my story and how that quote applies to me now... (sorry for it being long)

 

We started off as FWB. But as things got further along, we got really close emotionally.

 

When he started to neglect me, I dropped him as a FWB and started casually dating other guys.

 

That's when he stepped up and started paying attention and trying to get on my good side.

 

We became friends with NO benefits.

 

He started to call me more, share more about himself with me, and actually poured out his feelings to me (he hasn't done this with anyone because he's told me he's not close to any of his friends).

 

I guess it made me feel special since he was sharing all this with only me...

 

Well one night, we ended up having sex (don't know what came over me xD ) but I told him that we can't do this anymore.

 

He said is it because I was afraid of getting hurt. He then started to tell me that he knew I liked him for awhile now, but he didn't want to "expose" me.

 

He then proceeded to tell me that he's able to let himself go be himself around me, is able to talk to me about anything, that it's comfortable and relaxing around me, and that I'm a really amazing girl (unlike any he's met before)...

 

He even said I'd make an awesome girlfriend...

 

But...

 

He won't be able to make me happy because he won't be able to spend time to me because of his career... And something about his last relationship failing because of this.

 

I don't understand... how can you tell someone all this, have this awesome connection, and reject them?

 

I wrote him a farewell letter 2 weeks ago and that's that.

 

He didn't want to let our friendship go... but he's just leading me on and keeping me around to fill his void.

 

Since then, I've been growing more and more resentful towards this guy. I do miss him and cry about it every now and then, but the hurt, anger and hate are building as time goes on.

 

I'm not sure how he's feeling (probably "too busy working" to care...)

 

I wonder if he will miss me and whether this will make him grow fonder of me? Will he resent me as I am starting to with him?

 

What do you guys think? Did you grow more fonder for the other person or more resentful?

 

 

if there is no contact, i dont think it is resentment that builds for me but a fading of feelings you just get used to not being with that person and get on with your life and it does happen especially if you aren't together because there isn't anything there to hold onto, in saying that, I am an endurance woman I can go long periods of time and maintain feelings( i get creative) but i do get to a point where i let go when i feel the feelings i have are not reciprocated at all.

 

 

I would then go no contact for a while deal with the feelings i have however long that took and put myself out again to make new friends.I haven't done this in a long time been out there and I don't date more than one guy friend at a time.when i am interested in someone i am interested in them until i know it is going nowhere then i work on dealing with that i dont go out and date more guys until i am clear of any feelings for another i thought i was ready once and i wasnt huge mistake and i hurt someone a good guy.....

 

.

Rejection sucks hey....smile though

 

it is better to get rejected by someone who doesn't or isn't interested in the path you want to take in this moment in the now.......you walk it alone until you find someone who wants to walk it with you, you enjoy the path by yourself and i twill make the path all that more sweeter when someone joins you walking it ...and it may be the person that you thought wasnt interested or it may not be

 

maintain your confidence(and its hard to when rejected) chalk it up to that it doesnt doesn't mean you wont find someone you connect with its just not the right time for you yet or the right guy.....have you talked to this guy and told him how you are feeling? I think you should and then maybe you might have some clarity on how to deal with the situation.I wish you the best of luck and hope the conclusion is one that makes you happy if not now, one that happens to you further on down your path......deb

[TopCat22]

From what I can tell:

 

1) if the reason you're not together is lack of committment/neglect/under-appericated, then NC only enhances the resentment

2) if you're not together because you were too clingy/needy/too available then NC will create a lot of space and you are more likely to miss the other person.

 

You sound like it's reason 1, hence you feeling resentful of him. This guy sounds like he has problems with intimacy anyway and nothing you are going to do will change that. He needs to do that himself. As hard as it is, move along. You are not his therapist.

[juli017]

if there is no contact, i dont think it is resentment that builds for me but a fading of feelings you just get used to not being with that person and get on with your life and it does happen especially if you aren't together because there isn't anything there to hold onto, in saying that, I am an endurance woman I can go long periods of time and maintain feelings( i get creative) but i do get to a point where i let go when i feel the feelings i have are not reciprocated at all.

 

 

I would then go no contact for a while deal with the feelings i have however long that took and put myself out again to make new friends.I haven't done this in a long time been out there and I don't date more than one guy friend at a time.when i am interested in someone i am interested in them until i know it is going nowhere then i work on dealing with that i dont go out and date more guys until i am clear of any feelings for another i thought i was ready once and i wasnt huge mistake and i hurt someone a good guy.....

 

.

Rejection sucks hey....smile though

 

it is better to get rejected by someone who doesn't or isn't interested in the path you want to take in this moment in the now.......you walk it alone until you find someone who wants to walk it with you, you enjoy the path by yourself and i twill make the path all that more sweeter when someone joins you walking it ...and it may be the person that you thought wasnt interested or it may not be

 

maintain your confidence(and its hard to when rejected) chalk it up to that it doesnt doesn't mean you wont find someone you connect with its just not the right time for you yet or the right guy.....have you talked to this guy and told him how you are feeling? I think you should and then maybe you might have some clarity on how to deal with the situation.I wish you the best of luck and hope the conclusion is one that makes you happy if not now, one that happens to you further on down your path......deb

 

You sound like you are a really strong woman. I hope to be like that someday

 

Thank you for your support. I'm actually feeling a lot better reading your reply.

 

Well I wrote him how I was feeling 2 days after I told him we can't talk or be friends anymore. So stupid!

 

As time goes by, I find myself realizing that there are more things that I've left unsaid..

 

I don't know if I should tell him.. he hasn't responded and if I initiate contact he will pull further away since it will seem like I'm "chasing" him.

[juli017]

From what I can tell:

 

1) if the reason you're not together is lack of committment/neglect/under-appericated, then NC only enhances the resentment

2) if you're not together because you were too clingy/needy/too available then NC will create a lot of space and you are more likely to miss the other person.

 

You sound like it's reason 1, hence you feeling resentful of him. This guy sounds like he has problems with intimacy anyway and nothing you are going to do will change that. He needs to do that himself. As hard as it is, move along. You are not his therapist.

 

Yea you're right. I guess he was afraid of being committed to a girlfriend. I'm guessing most likely cuz his ex treated him like garbage for the 5 years that they were together and he's still traumatized... cuz the "not enough time because of work" excuse is BS.

 

Well he rejected me. He knew how much I cared for him it's hard to have positive feelings after that.

 

I do wonder how he is taking all this. Maybe he resents me too since I did break off our friendship and told him we can't speak anymore.

 

Or maybe he just doesn't give a crap =/

[TaraMaiden]

Don't try to mind-read or second-guess.

it doesn't work, and frankly - it doesn't matter.

you'll never know, particularly in his case, because he doesn't seem to know what he wants either, so determining what he's thinking, why and how, is just a dumb addition to your already stressed state.

quit wondering, and start walking.

Move on and forget it.

Easier said than done, i know, but honestly?

It's the only way to go.

The way to go, is to no longer give a phukk about him.

[Calico]

(he hasn't done this with anyone because he's told me he's not close to any of his friends).

 

Did you ever stop and ask yourself whether he's such a reliable source of information about himself? I realized that I had believed so much my ex told me (or that what she didn't tell me wasn't happening) and in the end, I learned that I had spent almost four years with someone who I didn't really know.

 

I agree with everything Tara's written, and in some ways I feel that you're in love with an illusion -- a man who may never have actually existed in the way you see him. In retrospect that's always easy to say, though, and it doesn't really make a difference since the situation is what it is, so yes, the way lays ahead of you and the past is sadly completely irrelevant. Over-analyzing what "could have been" is not very productive, because that's not what is.

 

Like Terry Pratchett wrote in one of the Discworld books, "There isn't a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do."

[juli017]

Did you ever stop and ask yourself whether he's such a reliable source of information about himself? I realized that I had believed so much my ex told me (or that what she didn't tell me wasn't happening) and in the end, I learned that I had spent almost four years with someone who I didn't really know.

 

I agree with everything Tara's written, and in some ways I feel that you're in love with an illusion -- a man who may never have actually existed in the way you see him. In retrospect that's always easy to say, though, and it doesn't really make a difference since the situation is what it is, so yes, the way lays ahead of you and the past is sadly completely irrelevant. Over-analyzing what "could have been" is not very productive, because that's not what is.

 

Like Terry Pratchett wrote in one of the Discworld books, "There isn't a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do."

 

Yes I did ask myself whether he was being truthful or not. We got really close, built an emotional bond and everything felt right.

 

I wouldn't say I fell in love with an illusion. We did knew each other well. We have shared a lot of each others past experiences, wants, goals, dreams etc etc with each other.

 

I know that everyone is thinking that it's all fake, being delusional and everything along those lines but in my experience it wasn't.

 

I'm picky with the people I choose to be around because I have had a lot of bad experiences with people. So the people I choose to associate with are mostly good and genuine.

 

Well I've known this guy for about 7 months, not really a long time I know but from what he's told me about himself, he's not a bad person. He's just selfish in that he prioritizes career over everything else.

 

I just feel that it's such a waste. He didn't want to stop being friends. I didn't want to either but I felt that if I stuck around:

 

1) things would not have progressed

2) I would end up more hurt than I am now

3) he's getting the best of both worlds (girlfriend like relationship with no commitment)

 

Even though he said that the relationship he had with me was more meaningful than the one's he claims to have with his "shallow friends", I don't think that that's enough incentive for him to initiate contact and get me back...

 

I'm moving on, or trying to at least...

[oldshirt]

how old are you and how much relationship experience do you have?

 

 

As far as your situation, I don't see it as an absence type scenario. You dumped him. he is the dumpee. what is he supposed to do?

 

If you liked this guy and wanted to be with him why did you dump him?

 

If you are expecting him to start liking you more and wanting to be with you more after you dumped him, I think you are being unrealistic.

 

If you are expecting yourself to start liking him more and wanting to be with him more after you dumped him, I think you are being unrealistic.

 

Maybe there's something I'm just not understanding or a piece of the puzzle that I am missing.

[juli017]

how old are you and how much relationship experience do you have?

 

 

As far as your situation, I don't see it as an absence type scenario. You dumped him. he is the dumpee. what is he supposed to do?

 

If you liked this guy and wanted to be with him why did you dump him?

 

If you are expecting him to start liking you more and wanting to be with you more after you dumped him, I think you are being unrealistic.

 

If you are expecting yourself to start liking him more and wanting to be with him more after you dumped him, I think you are being unrealistic.

 

Maybe there's something I'm just not understanding or a piece of the puzzle that I am missing.

 

I'm 22 he's 27. I've only had 1 official bf every other guy was a douche.

 

I take relationships seriously because I know how much this hurts so I don't like the idea of getting involved with a lot of people and causing a lot of heartbreak.

 

Well I saw him as more than a friend. I wanted to get official with him because we were pretty much behaving like bf and gf but he didn't want a relationship...

 

That's why I broke it off. He didn't want me. He knew I liked him yet he kept treating me like a gf and giving me false hope.

 

In a way he rejected me. I'm just protecting myself from more hurt. If I kept things going, nothing would have changed and he would have kept seeing me as he did: as a friend

[juli017]

I didn't want to stop seeing and talking to him. And I could see that he felt the same way.

 

We both really liked talking to each other and hanging out.

 

We both just felt really in sync. What gets me is he admitted he hasn't met a girl like me before, couldn't open up to anyone but me, and that I understand him which is rare... yet he still doesn't want me.

 

Can't help feeling there's something wrong with me...

 

He says it's about his "work" and not having enough "time" but what a BS excuse he made time for me...

 

It's either he has issues or I'm just a retard or something...

 

This is the 2nd time a guy has rejected me my god my 1st was just... horrible. 4 years together and he broke up and got back with my 5x because he could...

 

It took me a lot to open up to this one.. and here I am getting rejected all over again...

[k100danny]

This sounds like he has some avoidance issues with relationships or something. If you feel that way with someone, I mean actually feel it and not just tell them some bull**** that you think they want to hear then you would try. you wouldn't tell someone something to try and keep them at arms length, yes its quite scary falling in love and becomming vulnerable but anyone who had geniune feelings of the kind he seems to be ex-pressing would make the time and effort for it to form into a relationship. he sounds emotionally unavailable.

 

as for time apart making the heart grow fonder this does happen to an extent, you can miss someone and your attachment can be hard to break but ultimately time apart creates distance. it sounds like he isn't panicking and deciding he wants you more it seems like he is trying to keep you on a hook. some people are avoidant and want relationships but push people away at the same time, others arent available in their minds and cant commit to a relationship.

 

either way i think you have some massive red flags here.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not sure if absence makes the heart grow fonder every time, but eventually it makes the anger about how things went south dissipate. Even if you grow resentful in the short term, eventually you are going to realize that you don't care about that resentment and you are going to move past it. Then either you'll think more about the good things that you had with the person or you just won't think about that person at all.

[LostOne1]

I'm not sure if absence makes the heart grow fonder every time, but eventually it makes the anger about how things went south dissipate. Even if you grow resentful in the short term, eventually you are going to realize that you don't care about that resentment and you are going to move past it. Then either you'll think more about the good things that you had with the person or you just won't think about that person at all.

That's the tough part I think though... sometimes too much absense might get rid of the anger. But if the love is gone too, then it's very hard to get back even in the future. It might jsut never feel the same again.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's the tough part I think though... sometimes too much absense might get rid of the anger. But if the love is gone too, then it's very hard to get back even in the future. It might jsut never feel the same again.

 

It's a risk, but it's a better risk than trying when her guard is up. And even a clean slate is better than what's going on in the immediate aftermath of a breakup.

[juli017]

It's a risk, but it's a better risk than trying when her guard is up. And even a clean slate is better than what's going on in the immediate aftermath of a breakup.

 

Clean slate... I'm not sure if that's going to happen. I think I'll never hear/see from him again...

 

If I did see him I wouldn't know how to react anyway. From what I've read about relationship and how to handle things, it says to act normal yet keep a distance.

 

But it's most likely I'll show him how much hate and anger I have built up...

 

There are still a lot of things I have yet to tell him... but I can't break NC because I'm the one who sent the farewell letter.

[Simon Phoenix]

Clean slate... I'm not sure if that's going to happen. I think I'll never hear/see from him again...

 

If I did see him I wouldn't know how to react anyway. From what I've read about relationship and how to handle things, it says to act normal yet keep a distance.

 

But it's most likely I'll show him how much hate and anger I have built up...

 

There are still a lot of things I have yet to tell him... but I can't break NC because I'm the one who sent the farewell letter.

 

You might, you might not. But you'll be surprised where life leads sometimes. There were women I had bad breaks with that I thought I'd never seen again that I've run into just out of weird circumstance after several months. And the interactions weren't bad at all because the time away let my negative emotions fade. Life is funny sometimes.

[NoMoreJerks]

Absence made my heart stop feeling anything. To be honest, even though we're back together now, one week of break-up and NC (brutally difficult as they were) got him out of my system completely, to the point where I don't even feel in love with him. And now I'm acting more with my head than with my heart, and having a more reasonable perspective on our second attempt at the relationship.

[Calico]

I think I'll never hear/see from him again...

 

Well, actually, looking at my life so far, most of the women I was with eventually did make contact again -- even those who I never believed would ever talk to me again. And likewise, I've made contact with girls I never expected I would ever speak to again.

 

But none of this ever happened any time close to the breakup. It's always been at least a year and usually much longer. I also never got romantically back with someone I had broken up with. Not so much by choice or because I was too proud, but because by the time they came back I was in a different emotional place.

 

The good and cruel about life is that time never stops and things always change.

[juli017]

You might, you might not. But you'll be surprised where life leads sometimes. There were women I had bad breaks with that I thought I'd never seen again that I've run into just out of weird circumstance after several months. And the interactions weren't bad at all because the time away let my negative emotions fade. Life is funny sometimes.

 

You know what you're actually right. My first bf whom I was with for 4 years broke up with me 5x during our relationship. The last time he broke it off, he got himself a new gf right after.

 

Never expected to hear from him again because he was a douche and 1 year later, he's sent me quite a few texts wondering how I've been and it would be nice to talk one day... yea right no way!

 

Can't just play with someone like that and expect them to welcome you with open arms!

 

So did you end up becoming friends with these women? I wonder how that works, guess it's something I need to experience by myself

 

Well moving on with my life, but that little spark of hope is still there. Been reading a lot of forums where the person who rejected the person who liked them ended up developing feelings for them... so it's making me hope but it's counter productive so I should stop

[juli017]

Absence made my heart stop feeling anything. To be honest, even though we're back together now, one week of break-up and NC (brutally difficult as they were) got him out of my system completely, to the point where I don't even feel in love with him. And now I'm acting more with my head than with my heart, and having a more reasonable perspective on our second attempt at the relationship.

 

Maybe this is what I'll go through too.

 

Guess time will tell. He's going on a holiday by himself in a month, stopping by to attend a friends wedding. Maybe I broke it off completely with good timing who knows some of friends think so.

 

Going on a holiday alone and maybe a wedding will make him realize. Not realistic but not a thought I can shake. Let's see what happens...

[NoMoreJerks]

Going on a holiday alone and maybe a wedding will make him realize. Not realistic but not a thought I can shake. Let's see what happens...

Maybe, maybe not. If not, his loss.

 

Mine is on a 2-week holiday, and contacted me a week into his trip, after a week of NC. Gave me the whole spiel about wanting to be just friends, then talked his way back into a relationship. He's still on vacation, so I haven't seen him since we last talked, but I am not pinning any hopes on this working out, and, frankly, I don't really care either way. Worst case scenario, we can be friends. I don't even mind that. Even when he tells me that he was hanging out with bar girls in Thailand, I didn't feel anything -- no jealousy, nothing. I guess I've fallen out of love with him after regaining control over my feelings and thinking with my head rather than with my heart -- and realizing that the things he did to me were unforgiveable and would've led any sane woman into dumping him from day 1.

[todreaminblue]

You sound like you are a really strong woman. I hope to be like that someday

 

Thank you for your support. I'm actually feeling a lot better reading your reply.

 

Well I wrote him how I was feeling 2 days after I told him we can't talk or be friends anymore. So stupid!

 

As time goes by, I find myself realizing that there are more things that I've left unsaid..

 

I don't know if I should tell him.. he hasn't responded and if I initiate contact he will pull further away since it will seem like I'm "chasing" him.

 

 

a heartfelt thanks for your appreciation and this.....

 

you wrote the letter that put him off don't blame yourself for that, continue the chase try not to make a decision when it comes to sending letters or telling someone what you want or don't want until you are absolutely no doubts 100 per cent sure that is what you really want to do...you made a mistake because it wasn't what you wanted to really do, in your heart, but what you felt you had to do because your brain told you that, that there is killer to your true feelings....

 

 

I dont like chasing guys either i turn into this snail.....with a goofy grin....do you have that image ...good

let me introduce myself

hi my name is deb the snail......smilin goofily mooooovin slooooowlllllly poooooosting toooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...lol

 

 

i turn into a cheetah when guys chase me though you should see my nikes flash......gone awol...outta there....but now i would happily wait for one guy and go barefoot....lol....bummer huh....but i am my snail self taking i tslow....loving seeing him when i do and enjoying the scenery along the way.....talk to your friend take it slow.....i am putting a song here for you to listen to......and tell you of a huge step i took today with my guy...i gave him some mint in a pot....lol...yay....huge step for a snail....but it made me happy dizzy even though he probably couldn't tell my heart was skipping beats...i am a master at hiding when i want to.....does that make you smile....i hope it did...i am...here is your song......from me to you..take it slow adn get in contact when you feel in your heart you need to key word.....neeeeeeeeeed ....plus to.......best wishes.....deb the snail....

 

Edited September 23, 2012 by todreaminblue