absence makes the heart grow fonder... or resentful?

[juli017]

So I can see how you liked and enjoy the time you had with ur bf and that it felt so awesome and right.

 

We never got official. We were very casual for the 7 months. But it was obvious we both had an amazing time in each others company.

 

He chose his job over me. Always saying "I don't want a relationship because I don't have time", and something about his last relationship going bad because he didn't have time for his ex.

 

Pretty much, he knew I liked him yet he still treated me like a gf. Can't help but feel he led me on...

 

Nothing worse than unrequited love and being rejected, so I did what I had to do... tell him goodbye

[LostOne1]

Can I be honest with you? She doesn't sound worth it. Seriously she is treating you like crap. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior at all.

 

How old are the both of you?

 

She sounds very self centered.

it's funny, because my sister thinks that too. Kinda thinks she isn't worth it and said if she was she would've told me to fight for her. But I don't know if shes saying that cause she had a fight with her too and is mad or if she genuinly is saying it.

 

I just remember how my ex would always constantly text me sister every week specially if we had a argument and she would tell her all the details and I will admit. I was the best bf for the 1st yr and then for the next 2 yrs got lazy, fat, didn't do all the cute and sweet things I used too. So she always told my sister about how I did this to her or made her feel. And my sister would tell me too, that I gotta do more for her and stop being lazy. I never listened and in some ways I wish I did.

 

But the ironic part is when I told my sister anything about my ex, and my ex found out through my sister. She would fight with me saying how dare you share my personal life with her, I have no personal life because you share everything about me with her. But yet she was always telling my sis about us. She always told my sis how she was the only other person besides me in her life she had and how she wanted my sis at times to help me not stay mad at her. And how if we ever broke up she'd still be there for my sis, which never ended up being true.

 

we both are 25. But ya... she's just pissed off I think and letting it all out. And I think her ego and pride is so huge that she probably won't have the guts to contact me at first. Normally she's always like that, but with me I think it was the 1st time in her life when we fought she would say sorry and applogize or contact me to work it out.. even if it wasnt her fault sometimes. But with anyone else, family, friends, she was a different person and not as soft with them as she was to me.

[LostOne1]

We never got official. We were very casual for the 7 months. But it was obvious we both had an amazing time in each others company.

 

He chose his job over me. Always saying "I don't want a relationship because I don't have time", and something about his last relationship going bad because he didn't have time for his ex.

 

Pretty much, he knew I liked him yet he still treated me like a gf. Can't help but feel he led me on...

 

Nothing worse than unrequited love and being rejected, so I did what I had to do... tell him goodbye

It's tough... maybe he was just looking for a companaion and wasn't looking for a g.f?

 

Ill be honest putting his job as #1 isn't bad... but not good either. I mean maybe he wants to establish himself before he picks a girl. I felt like with my ex, in some ways my career did suffer. I was more stressed as was she with school too. I wanted to become something for her and myself so we could have a good life.

 

I can see why he chooses his career, but he could've always asked you to move with him or stay here with you. I hate to say it, but maybe he does like you, but his career is #1. And it's bad, because he should've disclosed that and said my career comes first for everything while he was seeing you be it non offically.

 

I always told my ex from the start, I'm a student, I don't got much cash and I can't take you to fancy dinners. But if ur okay with that then we can move on otherwise you should not go any further with me, because that's my limit. I kinda set some rules straight, so she knows what she is going for in the long run till I at least finish school.

[juli017]

It's tough... maybe he was just looking for a companaion and wasn't looking for a g.f?

 

Ill be honest putting his job as #1 isn't bad... but not good either. I mean maybe he wants to establish himself before he picks a girl. I felt like with my ex, in some ways my career did suffer. I was more stressed as was she with school too. I wanted to become something for her and myself so we could have a good life.

 

I can see why he chooses his career, but he could've always asked you to move with him or stay here with you. I hate to say it, but maybe he does like you, but his career is #1. And it's bad, because he should've disclosed that and said my career comes first for everything while he was seeing you be it non offically.

 

I always told my ex from the start, I'm a student, I don't got much cash and I can't take you to fancy dinners. But if ur okay with that then we can move on otherwise you should not go any further with me, because that's my limit. I kinda set some rules straight, so she knows what she is going for in the long run till I at least finish school.

 

It was all me being a complete idiot...

 

He did tell me he wasn't looking for a gf, and that he wants to establish himself.

 

I fooled myself into thinking he would change his mind and that I would have been able to keep my feelings in check.

 

Unfortunately, I got burned...

 

He thought that me becoming his gf would mean he would have had to give up his time and do more than what he was doing already but with me I didn't need that.

 

I liked exactly how things were going and if we became official, nothing needed to change.

 

I wrote that in my letter, I didn't tell him in person so I don't know how he would have responded to that.

 

Ditched for the 2nd time in my life. I've given up hope on relationships *sigh*

 

You could do all the right things yet it's not enough. From what I'm seeing, treating someone like dirt makes them want you more. What kind of fuc*** up world do we live in?

[LostOne1]

It was all me being a complete idiot...

 

He did tell me he wasn't looking for a gf, and that he wants to establish himself.

 

I fooled myself into thinking he would change his mind and that I would have been able to keep my feelings in check.

 

Unfortunately, I got burned...

 

He thought that me becoming his gf would mean he would have had to give up his time and do more than what he was doing already but with me I didn't need that.

 

I liked exactly how things were going and if we became official, nothing needed to change.

 

I wrote that in my letter, I didn't tell him in person so I don't know how he would have responded to that.

 

Ditched for the 2nd time in my life. I've given up hope on relationships *sigh*

 

You could do all the right things yet it's not enough. From what I'm seeing, treating someone like dirt makes them want you more. What kind of fuc*** up world do we live in?

that brings me to a new point... have 2 dumpees ever dated? Like say from here? I'd imagine that 2 dumpees would get along so well.. both are hurt, both just want someone to love, both can help each others pain....

 

That should be my new short film.. 2 dumpees hooking up.

 

As for your ex, I know some guys like that, my friend is sadly like that.. but he did a lot for his girl his work was 1st, but after work he spent it all on her.

 

I can see why you expected him to choose you too or with work, but maybe he didn't want to juggle the time and he thought you'd want more time from him if it became a serious relationship.

 

Think of this as an example. You have to go to an important meeting and you need him there, BUT he can't go because he has something important at work to do... then what? I guess he thought of it in that sense, where he doesn't want to go into a relationship and have to choose between you and his work, it's stressfull to do so.

 

I know with my ex there were times I had to choose family weddings over meeting up with her and it was tough at times I chose her and at times I didn't. I tried to balance it out and I realized its tough to make EVERYONE happy, gf, family, friends, work.. its tough... I guess he just thought you would want MUCH more.

 

Honestly I would think the same.. I mean with my ex I felt like I had to give her more time and over the years she demanded more and more time. So I kinda feel what he feels, he was scared at some point you might demand for more time and then he's screwed, because he has to choose. And he might not be the type of guy who likes to choose like that...

 

Doesn't mean you are wrong though.. just means you both didn't get the signals.

[naomii]

I just wanted to add my experience to all of this because i'm going through something very similar.

 

I met him almost 3 years ago. I was 19, he was 22. We started out as FWB as well. Fast forward to January this year, he told me he wanted to see where things could go with us, but never made it official. I spent the last 7 months getting close to him, getting to know him on a deeper level as a friend. I'm now 21 and he's 24.

 

Around April, he told me he's not ready for a relationship right now because he "wants to get his life together and figure out his career". I gave him the benefit of the doubt and kept seeing him. The only problem is, it seems like he'll never get his career on track for a long time. I got tired of being hurt and ended it with him. He became jealous and accused me of wanting someone else. I tried to reassure him that it had nothing to do with that, that I wanted him but I wanted to stop hurting since he wasnt ready for anything serious. I'm on day 2 NC.

 

He also had bad relationships. A 4 year relationship where the girl constantly cheated on him (ended 4 years ago), and his last one ended with the girl leaving him for someone else (that was almost 2 years ago). I do believe he is emotionally unavailable, he has a hard time trusting women. The career thing is just an excuse.

 

We've "broken up" several times over the course of the 3 years i've known him, but he's came back every single time. I dont know if it's because he really wants me and is just unable to give himself fully, or if he is just messing with my head. All I know is that if a guy isnt willing to give himself fully to you, then dont settle. I dont want to give you false hope, but this guy will most likely come back to you if you keep your distance. But if he does, he may still not want a relationship with you. My guy has come back countless times, but things have never changed.

[juli017]

 

Honestly I would think the same.. I mean with my ex I felt like I had to give her more time and over the years she demanded more and more time. So I kinda feel what he feels, he was scared at some point you might demand for more time and then he's screwed, because he has to choose. And he might not be the type of guy who likes to choose like that...

 

Doesn't mean you are wrong though.. just means you both didn't get the signals.

 

His ex was psycho. She expected him to splurge $1K on her EVERY month and was a frigging attention seeker. She made him think a gf relationship is like that. Stupid girl...

 

She walked all over him and made him feel used.

 

After reading your comment, I guess I should give up any hope then.

 

It makes sense. It hurts to read it... but if that's how he saw things then it's all over.

[LostOne1]

His ex was psycho. She expected him to splurge $1K on her EVERY month and was a frigging attention seeker. She made him think a gf relationship is like that. Stupid girl...

 

She walked all over him and made him feel used.

 

After reading your comment, I guess I should give up any hope then.

 

It makes sense. It hurts to read it... but if that's how he saw things then it's all over.

I don't know.. I mean maybe he will miss you.. maybe he won't. It's hard to say to be honest. If it was me.. at work I might not miss you, but when im home alone or have free time and I'd have normally spent it with you.. ya it will cross my mind and have me thinking of it.

 

But then the question is does the mind say "hey well i miss her but it wouldnt work because my job is important" OR "I miss her maybe I should try and see how it goes again"

 

And thats hard to say.... I still think it can go either way, but depnds on the guy and if he can supress certain feelings away or distract them easily.

[juli017]

 

He also had bad relationships. A 4 year relationship where the girl constantly cheated on him (ended 4 years ago), and his last one ended with the girl leaving him for someone else (that was almost 2 years ago). I do believe he is emotionally unavailable, he has a hard time trusting women. The career thing is just an excuse.

 

Same with my guy, his 2nd last ex cheated on him, and the last girl used him for his money.

 

He's also emotionally unavailable and yes, the career thing is just an excuse. All my friends think so. If he truly liked me, he would have made time...

 

From what LostOne1 said, I don't think he'll come back. If his job comes first, then I have no chance with this guy. He was afraid of, and thinking exactly on those lines.

 

Establish and become more stable so he could support his gf, not having to choose, things are easier if you're single etc etc

 

Lame I'm actually crying as I type this. Heartbroken feeling all over again...

[LostOne1]

Same with my guy, his 2nd last ex cheated on him, and the last girl used him for his money.

 

He's also emotionally unavailable and yes, the career thing is just an excuse. All my friends think so. If he truly liked me, he would have made time...

 

From what LostOne1 said, I don't think he'll come back. If his job comes first, then I have no chance with this guy. He was afraid of, and thinking exactly on those lines.

 

Establish and become more stable so he could support his gf, not having to choose, things are easier if you're single etc etc

 

Lame I'm actually crying as I type this. Heartbroken feeling all over again...

its not fully over honestly.. how do you not know if he wants to become more established and want you then? I would wait it off for a few more weeks give him time to think and miss you. Maybe he will realize he wants you part of his life still.

 

It's hard to say though im a little shocked after 7 months you guys weren't official? Personally for me.. if I girl and myself didn't make it official in the first month.. I'd never imagine her to be my gf. But thats me and my thinking.. and hey what do I know im not super experienced with relationships myself.

[juli017]

I don't know.. I mean maybe he will miss you.. maybe he won't. It's hard to say to be honest. If it was me.. at work I might not miss you, but when im home alone or have free time and I'd have normally spent it with you.. ya it will cross my mind and have me thinking of it.

 

 

That's the thing:I'm the only person who supported and helped him deal with the stress for his work.

 

He's a bond derivatives trader (think wall street: buy low sell high). His family and friends think he should do something else because it's unstable and risky.

 

He loves it, and I'm he only person who told him "if you like what you're doing, then don't stop doing it".

 

I see him light up when I say those kind of things to him. Not to mention he calls me after work A LOT to tell me about his day. He likes discussing his trades, the currencies and stuff like that with me because he doesn't do it with ANYONE else since they don't really approve.

 

I own my own business, so I love discussing business and what he's doing with whenever we get the chance.

 

Work and business was actually a great point to connect with.

 

He was fascinated with what I'm doing as well since it's not typical for 22 year olds to have entrepreneur mindsets and run their own business lol

 

Not only that, he was thinking of doing a bit of what I was doing too. Heck he even invited me over to his house so we could talk, connect etc etc

 

He never invites his friends over...

[naomii]

Same with my guy, his 2nd last ex cheated on him, and the last girl used him for his money.

 

He's also emotionally unavailable and yes, the career thing is just an excuse. All my friends think so. If he truly liked me, he would have made time...

 

From what LostOne1 said, I don't think he'll come back. If his job comes first, then I have no chance with this guy. He was afraid of, and thinking exactly on those lines.

 

Establish and become more stable so he could support his gf, not having to choose, things are easier if you're single etc etc

 

Lame I'm actually crying as I type this. Heartbroken feeling all over again...

 

You deserve better. I know its hard to see that now, and I have to remind myself everyday that I deserve better, too. It's hard. I spend most of my time crying and wondering why he couldnt give me what I wanted, what was so wrong with me? He kept coming back giving me false hope that things would change and that he was ready for a relationship. All he really wanted was to keep me there in the meantime. That's a lot more pain to handle than if things were to have just ended once and for all. I could've been over him a long time ago. So I'm kind of jealous in the fact that your guy has more respect for you than mine did. He knows he cant give you what you want, so he's letting you go to find someone who can. He may or may not realize what he has lost, no one can see the future and every situation is unique, but try to get on with your life and dont linger onto hope. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have hope as well, but I know I need to just let it go. Whats meant to be will be.

Edited September 24, 2012 by naomii

[juli017]

 

But then the question is does the mind say "hey well i miss her but it wouldnt work because my job is important" OR "I miss her maybe I should try and see how it goes again"

 

 

This is exactly what I'm afraid of...

 

From what he's told me about his exes, he's an out of sight out of mind person.

 

But to be honest... I don't think he's ever been in love =/

 

He's always talked about them as if they were always using him and they treated him badly.

 

He's worked overseas and done the long distance thing and he says he didn't exactly miss them when he was gone.

 

I guess being used by girls because of your money kinda ate him up inside. I know it would for me.

 

If I were to be completely honest, I think right now his mindset is, "Hey well i miss her but it wouldnt work because my job is important"...

 

He's 27 I'm 22 btw. We're both asian so more pressure on the "must make money and establish myself, family honour" yada yada T_T

[juli017]

So I'm kind of jealous in the fact that your guy has more respect for you than mine did. He knows he cant give you what you want, so he's letting you go to find someone who can. He may or may not realize what he has lost, no one can see the future and every situation is unique, but try to get on with your life and dont linger onto hope.

 

This is the first "break up" that he and I have gone through. When we were dating, I did drop him a bit because he was being negligent and rude, but that made him come to me more, talk to me more, and treat me more respectfully.

 

He actually stayed up all night researching a software I needed for my work and wanted to take me to breakfast the next day =P

 

Talk about getting your act together when someone drops you lol

 

I don't know... even though I resent him for rejecting me as time goes on...

I can't lie and tell you that he's a bad person.

 

He's actually a really kind individuals and respects others boundaries. He really didn't want to lose me as a friend and even though he didn't want to let me go, me telling him it would hurt me probably made him stay away, even when he said, "I'll try to refrain myself from calling you".

 

Why do people say misleading things like that for?

[LostOne1]

You deserve better. I know its hard to see that now, and I have to remind myself everyday that I deserve better, too. It's hard. I spend most of my time crying and wondering why he couldnt give me what I wanted, what was so wrong with me? He kept coming back giving me false hope that things would change and that he was ready for a relationship. All he really wanted was to keep me there in the meantime. That's a lot more pain to handle than if things were to have just ended once and for all. I could've been over him a long time ago. So I'm kind of jealous in the fact that your guy has more respect for you than mine did. He knows he cant give you what you want, so he's letting you go to find someone who can. He may or may not realize what he has lost, no one can see the future and every situation is unique, but try to get on with your life and dont linger onto hope. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have hope as well, but I know I need to just let it go. Whats meant to be will be.

Best answer that has been written, you worded that perfectly. And that seems to make much more better sense

[naomii]

 

He's actually a really kind individuals and respects others boundaries. He really didn't want to lose me as a friend and even though he didn't want to let me go, me telling him it would hurt me probably made him stay away, even when he said, "I'll try to refrain myself from calling you".

 

Why do people say misleading things like that for?

 

Because he doesnt know what he wants. My guy said the same things, that he didnt want to lose me as a friend, that I've treated him better than any girl hes ever been with. I wasnt willing to settle for a friend, and neither were you. You want what he cant give you right now for whatever reason. It's his loss!

[juli017]

Because he doesnt know what he wants. My guy said the same things, that he didnt want to lose me as a friend, that I've treated him better than any girl hes ever been with. I wasnt willing to settle for a friend, and neither were you. You want what he cant give you right now for whatever reason. It's his loss!

 

A part of me his hoping that it's not me... the way my 1st bf treated me turned me into a shell for 1 year. I stopped eating, sleeping, my self esteem dropped horribly.

 

Now with what's going on with this one, just when I was turning things around, it's pulling me back down.

 

It's his loss, but it's a loss for me too. I've never had anyone like that in my life ever and something like this is really hard to come by...

[juli017]

Best answer that has been written, you worded that perfectly. And that seems to make much more better sense

 

Lol sometimes it's hard to accept reality isn't it? Like you know what needs to be done, yet doing it is another thing in itself

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow, this thread escalated while I was gone. What did I miss?

[juli017]

Wow, this thread escalated while I was gone. What did I miss?

 

LOL this may sound silly but that reply just made me laugh out loud

 

Just sharing our experiences with break ups and difficult people who tend to keep us at arms length lol

 

It just seems to me that the more we value someone, and if that person knows it, then they are more likely to treat us badly. Not sure if it's just me who's seeing that here.

 

It's like a power trip, or being dominant gives them that edge to push up their ego and treat people badly.

[juli017]

Here I was just thinking to myself maybe I should contact him again... because there are some things I haven't said and don't understand.

 

Thought about it for awhile and it goes a little something like this:

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about what happened, and I have some regrets. I feel like I didn't give us a chance to communicate properly, and I have some things I feel I didn't explain well, and some things maybe you said that I didn't understand".

 

I don't want to come off as desperate or chasing since since i did send him the farewell letter.

 

To proceed or not proceed...

[LostOne1]

Here I was just thinking to myself maybe I should contact him again... because there are some things I haven't said and don't understand.

 

Thought about it for awhile and it goes a little something like this:

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about what happened, and I have some regrets. I feel like I didn't give us a chance to communicate properly, and I have some things I feel I didn't explain well, and some things maybe you said that I didn't understand".

 

I don't want to come off as desperate or chasing since since i did send him the farewell letter.

 

To proceed or not proceed...

see I wrote up an email too.. basically adding in a funny picture she had made for me before. And basically stating I was cleaning my Pc files and saw it. Then asking if she wants to go for coffee sometime and if not I respect her decision, and that she can contact me if she feels like it.

 

The reason I wanted to send it out is #1 it lets me see if shes calm down or not

#2 if shows she CAN contact me, that is if she thinks maybe after everything that happened (fight with my sister, FB public posts etc..) that I'm okay to talk now.

 

But I still haven't sent it, just saved it for now. I really don't want to break NC now finally at a month. But at the same time, I want her to know as well.

 

It's a tough thing... because you don't know when the time is right...

For all I know, she could be sitting there expecting me to contact first, while im sitting here waiting for her to contact first.

 

More than likely for me it's over, and emailing her will probably result in more anger. But the question is am I okay with her anger and would it open my wound up again if she replied with something harsh or didn't reply at all. And to be honest.. I'm not sure.

 

I'd say after 1 month I'm some what healed. I still have nightmares of it all, but overall I'm feeling better.

 

So it's a tough call to be honest.

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't send it, either of you. juli, you already had the last word, adding more words isn't going to help your cause. LostOne1, your situation is a little murkier, but once again, I just don't think it's in your best interests to make this move at this time. You need to stop guessing at what you think your ex might want you to do -- that's no way to live because you have no idea. Trying to read another person's mind is useless, look where it's gotten you right now. You need to get to a point where you don't need to send that email before even thinking about sending that email.

 

Sure, I've thought about whether or not I should try to "come clean" with my ex. I just do not see how it's beneficial to me at all. My goal is to win -- whether it be to move on or get her back. Coming clean does neither of those. It's not closure -- it's getting your heart stomped and moving backwards. It's not going to make her (or him in juli's case) have an epiphany. It'd be awesome if it did, but it doesn't. This isn't the movie world.

 

juli, is there any chance you see your ex in normal, everyday life? Do you have mutual friends, live close to each other, etc.? I know there's some distance for LostOne1.

[LostOne1]

Don't send it, either of you. juli, you already had the last word, adding more words isn't going to help your cause. LostOne1, your situation is a little murkier, but once again, I just don't think it's in your best interests to make this move at this time. You need to stop guessing at what you think your ex might want you to do -- that's no way to live because you have no idea. Trying to read another person's mind is useless, look where it's gotten you right now. You need to get to a point where you don't need to send that email before even thinking about sending that email.

 

Sure, I've thought about whether or not I should try to "come clean" with my ex. I just do not see how it's beneficial to me at all. My goal is to win -- whether it be to move on or get her back. Coming clean does neither of those. It's not closure -- it's getting your heart stomped and moving backwards. It's not going to make her (or him in juli's case) have an epiphany. It'd be awesome if it did, but it doesn't. This isn't the movie world.

 

juli, is there any chance you see your ex in normal, everyday life? Do you have mutual friends, live close to each other, etc.? I know there's some distance for LostOne1.

yeah.. too much thinking for me. I kinda feel like if I think I can read what she wants.. but the truth is I tried thinking so much the whole time and it never worked.

 

As for distance, not much distance now that she's back. But we have no mutual friends, so really we have no contact at all. To be honest, she doesn't have many friends either. She kinda pushed them away for me, though I never asked her too. So I don't know how shes coping with it all unless she's with the new guy.

 

For me luckily my friends helped me out and just came out to talk and all. Always checkup on me. And had family help me out too. But I guess everyone tells me what I don't want to hear, but what seems true. That she isn't worth it, and I should just forget her and not even make any contact and move on with life.

 

It's tough, because part of me has moved on and realized if she cared like she used too. Then she would have contacted me by now.. if we ever fought before, it was within a week we were talking. Which makes this seem like it's really over, and just saying it's really over honestly doesn't hurt much now.

 

Had I said it before, it hurt a lot, but now it's almost like I'm used to not talking to her. I haven't seen her in 3 months basically saw her a week after my grandma's funeral. I think that physical connection hurt us a lot. This trip really changed her or how she feels, don't know if she felt better being back for a month now.

 

But, I can't say much or do much or even think much at this point. I kinda wished I had come to this place earlier, because I woulda GIVEN her the space when she wanted it. Instead I pestered her over and over and it just made her get more and more angry till we both popped and went off on each other.

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear you and I do sympathize, even if I'm blunt and telling you things you don't want to hear. It sounds like your friends are saying a lot of the same stuff I have been saying.

 

I guess I would ask you a couple of things which you need to think about before proceeding to do anything.

 

1. Why do you want her back? Is it because you've spent a lot of time with her that you don't want to consider a waste, or do you truly love her? Honestly, from what you told me there seems to be some crazy baggage on her end.

 

2. If you do decide you love her, do you love her as a person or do you love the idea of her? It sounds like the same thing, but it's not.

 

3. If you did get back with her, what is the ultimate goal? What do you want?

 

4. Is your motivation to getting back with her to go back to a happier time? Or do you want to start fresh with a fresh relationship?

 

5. What about her do you not like? Are any of those dealbreakers? Would you rather have someone who didn't have her negative qualities, or is the entire package that she brings makes it worth dealing with whatever bs she brings as well?