absence makes the heart grow fonder... or resentful?

[esstea]

So I didn't really look through any of the posts above, I'm simply answering the original question of the thread so excuse my lack of flow to the other on-going topics

 

AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.....

 

I feel like absence makes the heart grow fonder, once you've dated other people and realize that you will never find anyone as good as the person you once dated. That is (in my opinion) the ONLY reason why exes would want to get back together because they finally realized that they've already had the best.

[Simon Phoenix]

So I didn't really look through any of the posts above, I'm simply answering the original question of the thread so excuse my lack of flow to the other on-going topics

 

AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.....

 

I feel like absence makes the heart grow fonder, once you've dated other people and realize that you will never find anyone as good as the person you once dated. That is (in my opinion) the ONLY reason why exes would want to get back together because they finally realized that they've already had the best.

 

I think there's a lot of truth to this. But yeah, the rest of this thread is basically group therapy almost.

[LostOne1]

I hear you and I do sympathize, even if I'm blunt and telling you things you don't want to hear. It sounds like your friends are saying a lot of the same stuff I have been saying.

 

I guess I would ask you a couple of things which you need to think about before proceeding to do anything.

 

 

1. Why do you want her back? Is it because you've spent a lot of time with her that you don't want to consider a waste, or do you truly love her? Honestly, from what you told me there seems to be some crazy baggage on her end.

 

Partly because yes, so much time has gone through... But it was also how we met. I swear we both thought it was unique. I mean the chances of meeting someone like that is rare. And, for her it was more rare that a guy she didn't know, but knew her liked her from so many years ago. I mean she hated guys, yet she gave me a chance. She always said she attracted the wrong type of guys.. the bad boys or the ones that hurt her. I was the 1st guy, who was nice, sweet and just didn't do drugs, smoke, or drink much. I was the guy she was looking for.... The problem is I stopped doing little things, I kinda fell in this state where I got lazy, no motivation, I basically became something I never wanted to become. After we broke up and now in a month... I feel like my old self, but better. Kinda like I woke up, but the problem is I feel like I woke up too late. She knows I've changed, but kept saying what's the point now when I dumped you, then you go and change.

 

2. If you do decide you love her, do you love her as a person or do you love the idea of her? It sounds like the same thing, but it's not.

 

I love the fact that she was always there or just cared. I mean say if we are sitting on the couch, she always asked if "I" was cold and would put a blanket on me just to be sure, or ask if im comfy. I remember a time at school I had to buy school books, she basically bought the books for me and kept saying she wanted too. In the end she did a lot for me, though I never once expected her too or asked her too. The thing is I didn't do as much later on in the relationship. She had to push me to do things. And the thing that did bother me was she ALWAYS bought me stuff. I'd always tell her to stop, but over and over she would get me clothes, bracelet, xbox etc... I never needed that stuff.. On top of that I can't afford that kinda stuff for her, I'm a student still. But she pins the blame on me for doing nothing. I did get her stuff on her bday, tried to pay for movies and all, but she would push my hand away and tell me no that she will pay.

 

3. If you did get back with her, what is the ultimate goal? What do you want?

 

Basically to have a relationship... finish school in the next 2 years and get married, find a place for both of us to live and start our own life. The problem is we could never afford a house and she was fine with an apartment for the future. I was kinda against an apartment, so she got mad and felt well if we can't afford a house, he won't move out of his families home and with me. During the break up, I told her I would get an apartment if it meant I could be with her and start a life and family with her. It was silly of me to be selfish and just think that we need a house, and not look at the other alternatives.

 

4. Is your motivation to getting back with her to go back to a happier time? Or do you want to start fresh with a fresh relationship?

 

I'd think we would have to start fresh, but the thing is when we talk.. old things come up. Like old jokes or reactions. I mean there was ONE day during the breakup, where I broke through her defense. She literally acted all loving, nice, exactly how we normally act. I thought I had won her back... boom after she got home from work. The next day she was all cold again and said the same things of how she doesn't want to be with me. All I know is in person when we talk or during our breakup when we did talk.. if we talked normally something other than our breakup we laughed and talked well. But as soon as I brought up her not loving me and us working it out.. she just changed.

 

5. What about her do you not like? Are any of those dealbreakers? Would you rather have someone who didn't have her negative qualities, or is the entire package that she brings makes it worth dealing with whatever bs she brings as well?

 

Well NC helped me think of the things I hate about her. And sure there are many things I hate. I think some of those things I passed away as you can't find someone that will have EVERY trait you want. I mean she did change a lot for me, she used to be a smoker. I told her I'd leave her if she smokes, and well she stopped. I know during our breakup she said, what will it take for you to leave me or move on.. should I start smoking again, will you leave me then?

 

Honestly, I wasn't too picky with things I didn't like, because like her I adjusted to the fact that her positive qualities were much greater than her negative ones.

[Simon Phoenix]

I was hoping you'd wait longer and really think about them, but I respect my answers. My outside opinion.

 

1. Seems way too based on what she thinks. You were talking much more from her perspective than yours. And the way you met, while fun, I'm not sure how relevant that is.

 

2. That's a good answer. Actually reminds me a lot of my ex -- she loved paying for me and would almost get annoyed when I wanted to pay. But I would occasionally tell her to chill and pay for my part or just grab the check and keep it from her until I did. But this is an answer that I was looking more for. Better than No. 1.

 

3. I don't think your insistence on a house pissed her off, but it was just your aversion to living together. That being said, are you really sure this is the girl you should marry, or you feel you should because you feel that's the way it should be?

 

4. Old jokes are fine, but you have to be willing to evolve. And so does she. If she's not, then it's not meant to be. Not saying you aren't, but both have to be willing to.

 

5. You can't find every trait you want, but there shouldn't be things you hate. Obviously no one is perfect.

 

Thanks for answering.

[LostOne1]

I was hoping you'd wait longer and really think about them, but I respect my answers. My outside opinion.

 

1. Seems way too based on what she thinks. You were talking much more from her perspective than yours. And the way you met, while fun, I'm not sure how relevant that is.

 

2. That's a good answer. Actually reminds me a lot of my ex -- she loved paying for me and would almost get annoyed when I wanted to pay. But I would occasionally tell her to chill and pay for my part or just grab the check and keep it from her until I did. But this is an answer that I was looking more for. Better than No. 1.

 

3. I don't think your insistence on a house pissed her off, but it was just your aversion to living together. That being said, are you really sure this is the girl you should marry, or you feel you should because you feel that's the way it should be?

 

4. Old jokes are fine, but you have to be willing to evolve. And so does she. If she's not, then it's not meant to be. Not saying you aren't, but both have to be willing to.

 

5. You can't find every trait you want, but there shouldn't be things you hate. Obviously no one is perfect.

 

Thanks for answering.

oh believe me.. I will be thinking of the questions you asked further more. I just gave a blurt of what I think or see it as of right now. I will be nibbling at the questions really trying to see what "I" want. I think you're right.. I think I'm always thinking of what she wants. Though the funny part, I never did that as much before or for the last few months.

 

It was like I WANTED to live with her, but I was to scared to make the step or say it at times. Even though I did want it...

 

As for being with her, for sure I would have to feel I have evolved. I have changed, I have grown and learned. I feel that now, I mean I feel more mature and if I had a chance to go through the break up. I woulda been more mature about it. I kinda feel like I was immature in it all and made things worse.

 

Guess I got to do more soul searching.. but for MYSELF and my OWN wants.

 

The thing that hits me is how family and some friends say she isn't worth it. I remember how when my grandma was going to pass away, she bugged me to see her, then harassed my sister to take her as a friend to see her. She holds her hand and tells me I could feel her wishing you and me good luck.

 

And then a month later she pulls this break up.... I don't know what kind of person goes through all that and wants to be part of your family, and then just switches to careless and cold hearted. But it's not about her now.. it's about me.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's cool. I hear you on that last story -- it's hard to see them go from so engaged to disengaged. I find myself going over highlights and actions of myself with my ex in my head and wondering how she can go from that to a girl who will just coldly ignore text messages. I guess I've realized that all of the previous memories just don't matter right now in the whole scope of the relationships. The awesome person she was isn't what she is now. I'm basically dealing with two different people -- pre-break ex and post-break ex. I think of its like a computer -- all the good stuff is in the trash right now, but it hasn't quite been emptied. Maybe one day all of those memories will be restored, but right now they aren't a real factor.

[LostOne1]

It's cool. I hear you on that last story -- it's hard to see them go from so engaged to disengaged. I find myself going over highlights and actions of myself with my ex in my head and wondering how she can go from that to a girl who will just coldly ignore text messages. I guess I've realized that all of the previous memories just don't matter right now in the whole scope of the relationships. The awesome person she was isn't what she is now. I'm basically dealing with two different people -- pre-break ex and post-break ex. I think of its like a computer -- all the good stuff is in the trash right now, but it hasn't quite been emptied. Maybe one day all of those memories will be restored, but right now they aren't a real factor.

yeah you explained it pretty well lol.

 

It's like they are a different person right now.

 

I always thought during the earlier part of the break up that our story would be like her sisters -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/347888-nc-sister-fb-delete-3.html#post4280885

 

Basically how they still found a way to make it work.

 

God, I can't get this email thought off my mind. Of just asking her if she wants to go have coffee and showing her 2-3 pics I took on my phone of her long ago.

 

It's almost like my mind won't let me rest till I send the god damn email... and I'm trying to prevent it for now. it's like a feeling inside me is saying do it.. send it.. see how she feels.

 

I was busing it home today, the whole time asking if she tells me she found someone else, doesn't wanna see me again, wants me to move on and leave her alone. That I can accept it and say that I had a nice run. That I got more out of the relationship than she did, and I can live with that and move on knowing it was really.. just a good run and chance at a relationship for me.

 

Then I got thinking well like you said.. you rather WIN than take a stab and risk. It's almost like I don't know when that would be. I've honestly never been in a break up like this or had many break ups where it meant something to me.

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah you explained it pretty well lol.

 

It's like they are a different person right now.

 

I always thought during the earlier part of the break up that our story would be like her sisters -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/347888-nc-sister-fb-delete-3.html#post4280885

 

Basically how they still found a way to make it work.

 

God, I can't get this email thought off my mind. Of just asking her if she wants to go have coffee and showing her 2-3 pics I took on my phone of her long ago.

 

It's almost like my mind won't let me rest till I send the god damn email... and I'm trying to prevent it for now. it's like a feeling inside me is saying do it.. send it.. see how she feels.

 

I was busing it home today, the whole time asking if she tells me she found someone else, doesn't wanna see me again, wants me to move on and leave her alone. That I can accept it and say that I had a nice run. That I got more out of the relationship than she did, and I can live with that and move on knowing it was really.. just a good run and chance at a relationship for me.

 

Then I got thinking well like you said.. you rather WIN than take a stab and risk. It's almost like I don't know when that would be. I've honestly never been in a break up like this or had many break ups where it meant something to me.

 

Neither have I. I just think you sending that e-mail is pointless and counterproductive, but you gotta do what you gotta do. If you honestly don't care about what her answer will be and don't necessarily want her back and are doing it just for your peace of mind and that only, then send it if it's killing you. But if you are doing it as a plot to try to get her back, it's just going to suck for you.

 

Honestly, I've thought about coming clean to my ex about why I did what I did. But I don't see the possible upside. It's not eating at me to spill my guts, it's not going to help me get back with her and her reaction, be it negative or indifferent, is just going to suck so much ass for me to handle. So that's not the play. If I get to a point where I don't care what she says and I just need to say it (can't see that happening any time soon) then maybe I'll do something. Though if I'm going to have a conversation like that, it's happening face to face. No way I would send an email or a letter. If she has to tell me to shut the front door, she'll have to do it to my face.

 

I've done the full disclosure thing twice. The first was tragic and awful and was an email. Just bad, bad, bad. The second one was a conversation. It wasn't cool and it didn't help at all until she moved away, though I did it when I knew that I had no shot of anything and when I really didn't care that I didn't.

 

I just don't think you are there to where you don't care what she's doing. And you have to take this "I only have so much time" thought and dump it in the trash. If you truly love this girl, then there isn't a clock. You spent three years with this girl, she's not going to delete all memories of you in three months or whatever it's been. In fact, she's going to wonder about you at all sorts of random times -- hell, I still have thoughts about a girl I dated when I was 18 (I'm in my 30s) randomly who I haven't seen since I was 22. I have no desire to see her again, but memories don't just disappear. Take this clock that you feel is ticking down and throw that f--ker in the trash.

[LostOne1]

Neither have I. I just think you sending that e-mail is pointless and counterproductive, but you gotta do what you gotta do. If you honestly don't care about what her answer will be and don't necessarily want her back and are doing it just for your peace of mind and that only, then send it if it's killing you. But if you are doing it as a plot to try to get her back, it's just going to suck for you.

 

Honestly, I've thought about coming clean to my ex about why I did what I did. But I don't see the possible upside. It's not eating at me to spill my guts, it's not going to help me get back with her and her reaction, be it negative or indifferent, is just going to suck so much ass for me to handle. So that's not the play. If I get to a point where I don't care what she says and I just need to say it (can't see that happening any time soon) then maybe I'll do something. Though if I'm going to have a conversation like that, it's happening face to face. No way I would send an email or a letter. If she has to tell me to shut the front door, she'll have to do it to my face.

 

I've done the full disclosure thing twice. The first was tragic and awful and was an email. Just bad, bad, bad. The second one was a conversation. It wasn't cool and it didn't help at all until she moved away, though I did it when I knew that I had no shot of anything and when I really didn't care that I didn't.

 

I just don't think you are there to where you don't care what she's doing. And you have to take this "I only have so much time" thought and dump it in the trash. If you truly love this girl, then there isn't a clock. You spent three years with this girl, she's not going to delete all memories of you in three months or whatever it's been. In fact, she's going to wonder about you at all sorts of random times -- hell, I still have thoughts about a girl I dated when I was 18 (I'm in my 30s) randomly who I haven't seen since I was 22. I have no desire to see her again, but memories don't just disappear. Take this clock that you feel is ticking down and throw that f--ker in the trash.

yeah i guess timing is playing a factor.. I just feel 2-3 months will push her to fully move on. Or she will just say hey.. it's been 2-3 months it's to late for anything now.

 

My email isn't about confessing.. it's simple asking if she wants to go out and have a coffee and talk... The problem is we havent had a face to face talk in 3 months now. And she avoided it when she got back no matter how hard I pressed her at that time. I was aggresive then, but now I;m not anymore.

 

Ya I know she won't forget those memories... but it's just so tough. Last week I was okay, but the last 4 days have been so tough suddenly like I feel like a month is here.. and if she isn't doing anything maybe I need too. And yes the time thing might be what I need to throw away.

 

It's also how we ended it, that day I told her never to contact me, that I don't have any memories left now and I never wanna hear from her again. I posted how she cheated on me on FB publically. I mean I can't see how she would contact me? She might expect me to contact her now thinking I'm the one who pushed her.

[juli017]

 

juli, is there any chance you see your ex in normal, everyday life? Do you have mutual friends, live close to each other, etc.? I know there's some distance for LostOne1.

 

Wow woke up the next morning and there's so many posts to read LOL

 

We live about 10 minutes away from each other. We have one mutual friend, but they haven't spoken in awhile and it would appear suss and like I put her up to it if she started talking to him again...

 

I have thought about asking her to kinda gauge where he's at, but he's smart enough to know I put her up to it.

 

I'm going back and forth between contacting him or not, but the side of me that's saying leave it be is stronger.

 

I like the questions that you posed to LostOne.

 

For me, I really like this guy as a person. Even though we were never official, we had a lot of meaningful conversations and that made me like him more since he's not shallow.

 

If he were to come back, I'd only agree if he wanted to become official. I won't be convinced until he shows me with his actions. I don't pay attention to words. He's going to have to prove that he really wants me.

 

The things I don't like about him is he can be self centered. He has a tendency to speak without thinking and it can be very misleading (it's lead to this whole debacle because he gave hints he liked me). I think he also needs to focus on things other than career because that's not the most important aspect to life.

[juli017]

 

I feel like absence makes the heart grow fonder, once you've dated other people and realize that you will never find anyone as good as the person you once dated. That is (in my opinion) the ONLY reason why exes would want to get back together because they finally realized that they've already had the best.

 

Do you think there are other circumstances upon which the individual will realize that they've missed? I know my guy has dated other girls (we weren't official so I had no right to say anything. I went on a few dates myself).

 

From what he's told me about his dates, they're boring, awkward and aren't that much fun for him. I could say the same for mine. The guys weren't as good as the one I want now.

 

My guy works crazy hours. Sometimes he comes home at 1-4 depending on how good the stock market is. And he usually calls me (I'm a late sleeper) and we talk for hours.

 

Says talking to me makes him feel better since his work is so stressful, that I provide insight into what he's doing and he likes it that I understand and support what he's doing.

 

From my POV, I'm hoping that those lonely drives home with no1 to talk to will make him miss me and realize how much having me in his life meant to him.

[juli017]

@LostOne1 and Simon Phoenix.

 

Just wanted to say thank you to you guys for sharing so much in this thread. It really does help to have others to talk to and you guys have done a great deal.

 

LostOne1, I truly empathize with what you're going through. It really seems like you've changed. Unfortunately, it takes break ups and heartache to grow as a person so as crappy as this may sound, it's necessary to you becoming a better person. Keep you chin up and you can always come back here and post when you need to vent.

 

Simon Phoenix it's awesome that you're helping others in need especially when it comes to these kind of matters. Props to you for being a caring individual and your advice makes a lot of sense.

[Simon Phoenix]

@LostOne1 and Simon Phoenix.

 

Just wanted to say thank you to you guys for sharing so much in this thread. It really does help to have others to talk to and you guys have done a great deal.

 

LostOne1, I truly empathize with what you're going through. It really seems like you've changed. Unfortunately, it takes break ups and heartache to grow as a person so as crappy as this may sound, it's necessary to you becoming a better person. Keep you chin up and you can always come back here and post when you need to vent.

 

Simon Phoenix it's awesome that you're helping others in need especially when it comes to these kind of matters. Props to you for being a caring individual and your advice makes a lot of sense.

 

Thanks. I'm going through the same thing and I'm no expert (though I was a psychology major in college so this whole thing is fascinating to me in way) but I have made mistakes. But NC has been key for me in the past (even before I knew what it was), and the things that you and LostOne1 have been discussing doing just doesn't work. It sucks because we've all been raised through movies that if we make the emotional plea that we'll get the slow clap from everyone around us and the person we want will fall into our arms. That stuff doesn't happen though.

 

I do sympathize with everything you guys are going through. Heck, today I had a moment that my heart dropped when my ex updated her profile picture on Facebook. It wasn't a bad picture at all, just her at the beach taking a self-picture of her face with her chick friend standing right next to her, and I didn't think for a second she did it to make me uncomfortable or anything (probably didn't think of me much, if at all, just like I didn't think of her much at all when I put up some pictures last week), but she looked really really f--ing hot. And that pissed me off temporarily and made me realize that if something that stupid temporarily puts me in a bad mood -- though a long day at work didn't help either -- that I really do need space away from all mentions of her.

 

I can't delete her off of Facebook because it could cause political drama (my best friend is her brother-in-law and i'm friendly with her sister), not just for me but for my buddy. However, I did remove her from my news feed to prevent this from happening everytime she uploads a picture or puts up a status update. She very rarely does either (though she's been more frequent with pictures lately for some unknown reason) and never has updates that have anything to do with guys, relationships, love, etc., but I don't want to see it if she ever does, unless we've reconciled and she compliments me for my lovely skills in the bedroom (which she once did out loud to her sister even though we hadn't had sex, just slept together, to simply mess with her sister).

 

Honestly, my relationship with her isn't that much different than yours seems to be juli. I didn't have 3-hour phone conversations (I don't like phone conversations over 5 minutes except if I'm talking to my mom, dad or sister because they live far away and I don't get to see them much) and I think we were a bit further along in the process, but like you I was hit by the lightning bolt. It wasn't a crush -- I actually started out just wanting to be her friend and hit on her hot friends -- but it just turned into something that was getting really awesome. Too awesome apparently, since I freaked out. Sucks because if she never had gotten ahold of me originally I never would have thought about it -- I knew she lived the area I moved in to but I had no desire to see her. Not because I didn't like her, I just didn't think of it. I'd like to get close to that point again until I try to reengage with her, unless she reengages first. But I don't know if that'll happen.

[LostOne1]

@Simon Phoenix

 

That's the problem with FB.. in some ways im saved.. because my ex blocked me on FB. So even if I try I can't see her FB profile. On top of that, she made her profile to friends only, so even on my backup account I can't see any information since NONE of it is public.

 

So in some ways I have nothing to tell me what she's up too and nothing to see. So it helps quite a bit, because if she was seeing someone else.. well I won't know and it will hurt less not knowing. So that's the upside of being blocked.

 

it's better because if I had to block her.. i'd be tempted to unblock her. But now being blocked it's like she doesn't exist on FB.

 

On the other hand it can suck, because then you feel like if you want contact.. well there is one less way to contact. Though it would be nice for one day to see her unblock me and know the hate and anger is all gone.

 

BTW you say NC was key in the past. But didn't you say that the girls that came back were ones you had no feelings for afterwards? So what are the chances that your ex now doesn't contact you for another say 6 months. Wouldn't you have moved on then and have no feelings like you said with the other 2 ex's that later contacted you?

[LostOne1]

@LostOne1 and Simon Phoenix.

 

Just wanted to say thank you to you guys for sharing so much in this thread. It really does help to have others to talk to and you guys have done a great deal.

 

LostOne1, I truly empathize with what you're going through. It really seems like you've changed. Unfortunately, it takes break ups and heartache to grow as a person so as crappy as this may sound, it's necessary to you becoming a better person. Keep you chin up and you can always come back here and post when you need to vent.

 

Simon Phoenix it's awesome that you're helping others in need especially when it comes to these kind of matters. Props to you for being a caring individual and your advice makes a lot of sense.

thanks!

 

It's great to have people here that can relate too.

 

And, yes I do feel I have changed, but I still need to work on many more things. I've actually talked to family and friends to see HOW they see me. I found many things they told me about, that never really hit me. The way I act in some situtations and not realize it, but come across a certain way. It's good to know how I am percived to others good and bad.

 

It's just tough when I feel I have learned and changed, but I don't get a 2nd chance to show that I have gotten better.

[Simon Phoenix]

@Simon Phoenix

 

That's the problem with FB.. in some ways im saved.. because my ex blocked me on FB. So even if I try I can't see her FB profile. On top of that, she made her profile to friends only, so even on my backup account I can't see any information since NONE of it is public.

 

So in some ways I have nothing to tell me what she's up too and nothing to see. So it helps quite a bit, because if she was seeing someone else.. well I won't know and it will hurt less not knowing. So that's the upside of being blocked.

 

it's better because if I had to block her.. i'd be tempted to unblock her. But now being blocked it's like she doesn't exist on FB.

 

On the other hand it can suck, because then you feel like if you want contact.. well there is one less way to contact. Though it would be nice for one day to see her unblock me and know the hate and anger is all gone.

 

BTW you say NC was key in the past. But didn't you say that the girls that came back were ones you had no feelings for afterwards? So what are the chances that your ex now doesn't contact you for another say 6 months. Wouldn't you have moved on then and have no feelings like you said with the other 2 ex's that later contacted you?

 

Perhaps. But that wouldn't be a bad thing, because the bs that I'm feeling right now would be gone. And one of the girls and I flirted quite a bit when we got back in touch and I considered giving it another go but didn't because there was too much previous negative history in the relationship that made me not want to go back down that road. I don't have have that negative history with this girl, so if I wasn't with someone else and she wasn't then maybe it'd work.

 

Honestly, the goal is to grow and move forward. If it's with this girl, then awesome. But if it moves on with me going to a new chapter and getting past this one, then so be it.

[LostOne1]

Perhaps. But that wouldn't be a bad thing, because the bs that I'm feeling right now would be gone. And one of the girls and I flirted quite a bit when we got back in touch and I considered giving it another go but didn't because there was too much previous negative history in the relationship that made me not want to go back down that road. I don't have have that negative history with this girl, so if I wasn't with someone else and she wasn't then maybe it'd work.

 

Honestly, the goal is to grow and move forward. If it's with this girl, then awesome. But if it moves on with me going to a new chapter and getting past this one, then so be it.

that is true...

 

But in my case there is a lot of negativity maybe not as a whole in the relationship. But the day of the break up and fight... it went to area's beyond what I thought we both would ever go too. I don't know how that works...... I guess we have been able to forgive each other before for things... it's possible to do it again.

[ascendotum]

I suspect he liked you a lot and you were pretty special to him, but not his ideal, and he knew a relationship was not going to go anywhere serious beyond the short term and didn't want to break your heart...or else as someone else pointed out he is emotionally unavailable for whatever reason.

If you really were such an amazing girl he would make it work. He opened up to you and told you how amazing you were and that you would make an awesome girlfriend, hoping that would help you to bond with him, and that you would be accepting that it was his career that was stopping him from becoming a full-time bf, but probably wishing you would still be okay to work around that and become FWB like it used to be.

 

I don't see why you cant be friends still...as long as you can keep your feelings in check, but reading about the crying + anger, I don't think you can, for the time being anyway.

 

I don't see why either of you need to be resentful. I gather you made it clear to him you wanted fulltime GF status, so he would understand why you can't be friends and have feelings. As for him, he put his career first, that's his choice, to sacrifice relationships.

[Simon Phoenix]

that is true...

 

But in my case there is a lot of negativity maybe not as a whole in the relationship. But the day of the break up and fight... it went to area's beyond what I thought we both would ever go too. I don't know how that works...... I guess we have been able to forgive each other before for things... it's possible to do it again.

 

There was no negativity in mine. Hell, the only think about her I didn't like is that she'd occasionally smoke when she drank. We never had a fight or anything, as you would expect in a short relationship. Just had a bad moment at the worst time when she was emotionally vulnerable and she shut down and got turned off. I tried to get an audience to explain myself, but she wasn't having it. She's thrown me some breadcrumbs lately, but it seems like she's really hesitant about putting her emotions out there. Her guard is up and I think only time will lower it.

[LostOne1]

There was no negativity in mine. Hell, the only think about her I didn't like is that she'd occasionally smoke when she drank. We never had a fight or anything, as you would expect in a short relationship. Just had a bad moment at the worst time when she was emotionally vulnerable and she shut down and got turned off. I tried to get an audience to explain myself, but she wasn't having it. She's thrown me some breadcrumbs lately, but it seems like she's really hesitant about putting her emotions out there. Her guard is up and I think only time will lower it.

Well how do you know when her guard is down? I'm trying to see that for my ex too. How the hell do I know when her guard is down without any contact?

 

I have no idea where I stand at right now besides her info 30 days ago of being on her bad side.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well how do you know when her guard is down? I'm trying to see that for my ex too. How the hell do I know when her guard is down without any contact?

 

I have no idea where I stand at right now besides her info 30 days ago of being on her bad side.

 

I contacted her four days ago, so I know her guard is up. I'll know when it's down when she initiates a one-on-one meeting or invites me out socially without her sister or brother-in-law. Then again, she invited me to a sporting event (not to go with her, but for the team she works for so I'd pretty much have to see her at least for a minute or two) three weeks ago after I broke NC, so who knows, maybe she's confused.

 

Honestly, I'm not trying to think of her thoughts and motivations. I'm thinking of making myself feel better and then if that works into getting a redo with her, great. Right now you seem a lot more focused on her than you. You need to stop worrying about where you stand, as do I.

[LostOne1]

I contacted her four days ago, so I know her guard is up. I'll know when it's down when she initiates a one-on-one meeting or invites me out socially without her sister or brother-in-law. Then again, she invited me to a sporting event (not to go with her, but for the team she works for so I'd pretty much have to see her at least for a minute or two) three weeks ago after I broke NC, so who knows, maybe she's confused.

 

Honestly, I'm not trying to think of her thoughts and motivations. I'm thinking of making myself feel better and then if that works into getting a redo with her, great. Right now you seem a lot more focused on her than you. You need to stop worrying about where you stand, as do I.

well I guess my new goal is set then... think about ME.

 

I just got off the phone with a friend too. Gave me some good motivation. Basically of how I need to work on me now, she didn't care when she left me, she never contacted me in a month, she told me immature things about her and another guy, how she will marry a guy next year that she knows for only a month, how she did him many times etc...

 

A girl that loves you will have RESPECT for you even if she's mad. She won't go that far to hurt you knowing you are already hurting. I guess she is not for me, and she's not worth it. She doesn't deserve me and yes I made some mistakes, but the person she met when I asked her out.. that guy is me now again and he doesn't deserve this ****. He deserves better than her.

[Simon Phoenix]

well I guess my new goal is set then... think about ME.

 

I just got off the phone with a friend too. Gave me some good motivation. Basically of how I need to work on me now, she didn't care when she left me, she never contacted me in a month, she told me immature things about her and another guy, how she will marry a guy next year that she knows for only a month, how she did him many times etc...

 

A girl that loves you will have RESPECT for you even if she's mad. She won't go that far to hurt you knowing you are already hurting. I guess she is not for me, and she's not worth it. She doesn't deserve me and yes I made some mistakes, but the person she met when I asked her out.. that guy is me now again and he doesn't deserve this ****. He deserves better than her.

 

Your friend is smart. I had a similar conversation with a friend last Friday who kind of refocused me. I told him how disappointed I was that she wouldn't talk to me about what she was doing to celebrate her birthday and he told me to bounce. He told me that life was too short to sit around waiting and hoping to hear from someone.

 

Told me to move away from her, settle myself until I was ready to talk to her and not give a **** and then invite her out to a party or something in several months when everything has died down. Then do what I originally wanted to do and have her hook me up with her friends like I originally was planning on doing when I first hung out with her. Either I'd have a pick of several cute girls or she'd get so jealous and possessive that she'd overcome her pride/hurt/confusion and try to get back with me.

 

Now I'm not sure if all of that will happen, but it was inspiration. I can't stand to constantly fight this battle in that manner and I won't win, either with her or with me, doing it that way. So it's time to keep up NC for real, not as a crutch because I knew exactly when I'd see her.

[juli017]

It wasn't a crush -- I actually started out just wanting to be her friend and hit on her hot friends -- but it just turned into something that was getting really awesome. Too awesome apparently, since I freaked out. Sucks because if she never had gotten ahold of me originally I never would have thought about it -- I knew she lived the area I moved in to but I had no desire to see her. Not because I didn't like her, I just didn't think of it. I'd like to get close to that point again until I try to reengage with her, unless she reengages first. But I don't know if that'll happen.

 

Yup veeery simliar indeed. Funny how when that person just comes along, the original intention of "Oh we'll just be friends that's all" gets thrown out the window and that's when the s*** hits the fan lol

 

Lol I have a degree in psychology yet I still made these mistakes too

Having a degree in social science doesn't prevent you from making humans mistakes apparently lol.

[juli017]

Facebook is horrible... for a social media engine that is meant to "connect" people and make them feel like a part of a community, it does a thrashing job at tearing relationships apart, causing misunderstandings, and causing a heck of a lot of hurt, pain and anguish.

 

Pretty much a tool for revenge...

 

I've blocked/deleted my ex and this guy. Does no good to keep em in my profile since I'll be too tempted to "stalk" and see what they're up to which just plain hurts.

 

Avoid people!

 

Nothing hurts more then going to your ex's profile and seeing "X is in a relationship with Y".

 

Yup veeeery devastating!