absence makes the heart grow fonder... or resentful?

[LostOne1]

I think when it comes to accepting things as they are, it all comes down to how much experience you have, and how many times you got hurt.

 

Even though I've only ever had one bf, the hurt that I felt with him, and the hurt I felt when I got rejected by "my crush" has made me become detached to people in general.

 

With my first bf, I was quite clingy and the idea of him disappearing from my life killed me for a long time.

 

Now I've become the exact opposite. I never thought I would let go of people and get on with my life this fast.

 

Is she your first gf btw?

she's not my first gf, but my 1st long relationship I've had. I haven't been with anyone for 3 yrs or has it this serious, that I would marry the person. It was odd cause she always would tell me she felt like we were married already and always refereed to herself as my wife LOL.

 

That's what pisses me off when she came to visit my grandma in the hospital. She told me when she saw me there with my family, it felt like her husband was standing there and she was part of the family. Don't know where all that BS came from and how she turned away from it all.

 

Like I said earlier something "happened" on her work trip while she went, that pretty much changed her. Wether its a guy or just the distance or w.e it is... it changed her and how she feels. Though I don't know how someone can change that much in a month. But anyways.. I'm not gonna worry about her now. She isn't worrying about me, if she did she woulda reached out.

 

I guess I took this relationship more seriously, because we were in the same spot in life, we had so many things that brought us together and well we wanted the same out of life. We both are the same age so it worked well with our life plans. I've never made plans with a girl before, or even met a girls family, or gone on vacation with one. So it was all a unique experience and I didn't want to share it with anyone other than her. And I'm sure she felt that way too otherwise she wouldn't have introduced me to her siblings and brought me to her house and even take me on a vacation trip.

 

But at the end of the day... what ever happens.. happens for the best as I am always told by my parents when things get crazy. Who knows maybe a year from now or 5 years from now I'll be looking up at god and thanking him for saving me from my ex, because I'll have found something I'm happy with and that is happy with me.

 

The biggest problem my ex and I had was family. She always told me crap about her family members and she always distanced herself from them. While my family means a lot to me, they are always there for me and I wouldnt throw them away like she is willing to throw her family away.

 

So I guess it works out in the end.

[juli017]

 

That's what pisses me off when she came to visit my grandma in the hospital. She told me when she saw me there with my family, it felt like her husband was standing there and she was part of the family. Don't know where all that BS came from and how she turned away from it all.

 

 

Hmm seems like people nowadays are playing around with relationship titles too much for my liking sorry to say.

 

Although some people mean it, the majority take it far too lightly.

 

It's like saying "I love you" every 5 seconds and getting married too early.

 

Too much haste nowadays.

 

I don't like how she said that and then turned around and stuck a knife in your back. Goes to show you're better off without her.

 

I hope you know you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally for who you are unlike this girl who didn't now what she got. It will turn around and bite her in the back later on don't you worry about that.

[LostOne1]

Hmm seems like people nowadays are playing around with relationship titles too much for my liking sorry to say.

 

Although some people mean it, the majority take it far too lightly.

 

It's like saying "I love you" every 5 seconds and getting married too early.

 

Too much haste nowadays.

 

I don't like how she said that and then turned around and stuck a knife in your back. Goes to show you're better off without her.

 

I hope you know you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally for who you are unlike this girl who didn't now what she got. It will turn around and bite her in the back later on don't you worry about that.

yeah. It's too bad I'll never know what really made her become like this... I can't see a person whos with you for 3 yrs and she did so much for me. Only to go on a trip, and just become something else. I guess I'll never get full closure from her. It will just have to come from the fact that something happened and she didn't want this anymore.

 

I won't know if it was her decision or if someone else was manipulating her. I always found it weird how that 1 day during the break up I was able to convince her to still not let this go. And she agreed and was happy and all, then she goes home to her place and boom the next day shes back to the "I don't want to be with you, your not my type, I can't be with you" mood. Never will know if it was another guy with her and she was deciding between us or if it was her own feelings.

 

Oh well... what can I do anyways. I did my best and nothing worked. Which means I have to see where life takes me next now and hope things are better.

 

I just hate mornings, because I have a few hours to think. It's not like a rush where you get ready for work and rush there. I have to wake up and get quite a few hours to just sit quielty and think... and then it all kinda plays over. Guess my brain tries to comprehend how someone can do this.. how she can in particular.

[LostOne1]

Wow talk about a tough weekend. So yesterday I was home working on school stuff. Jeez maybe it's jsut me alone in my room and I'm so used to talking to my ex online while im working.

 

It kinda hit me for the day, I finally got a friend to head out with me for a few drinks. I kinda let it all out and it was tough...

 

I just got this feeling pushing me to text my ex or just see what her reaction is...

 

You think after sending an email I'd just give up now. And assume it's all over with and done. I mean she never got back to me, and the email was sent a few days ago.

 

At about 35 days now without any contact from her, and sending that email got everything I wanted out. But I'm lately getting into anxiety attacks. I wake up in the morning I feel all panicked like knowing she isnt there and it freaks me out. Then I settle back in or when I talk to someone I kinda feel a bit better.

 

It's the fact in my head that I feel some guilt. It's hard to let it go and want a second chance. grrrr... I gotta rush to a meeting now, maybe that will take my mind off things for a few hours. But I'm sure ill get back home and feel like crap again.

 

I wish my ex some how in her heart find a way to let it all go and see what we always had... I really thought after a month or maybe even 2 something would click in her to say we need to talk for a bit and see where we are at now. sigh....

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow talk about a tough weekend. So yesterday I was home working on school stuff. Jeez maybe it's jsut me alone in my room and I'm so used to talking to my ex online while im working.

 

It kinda hit me for the day, I finally got a friend to head out with me for a few drinks. I kinda let it all out and it was tough...

 

I just got this feeling pushing me to text my ex or just see what her reaction is...

 

You think after sending an email I'd just give up now. And assume it's all over with and done. I mean she never got back to me, and the email was sent a few days ago.

 

At about 35 days now without any contact from her, and sending that email got everything I wanted out. But I'm lately getting into anxiety attacks. I wake up in the morning I feel all panicked like knowing she isnt there and it freaks me out. Then I settle back in or when I talk to someone I kinda feel a bit better.

 

It's the fact in my head that I feel some guilt. It's hard to let it go and want a second chance. grrrr... I gotta rush to a meeting now, maybe that will take my mind off things for a few hours. But I'm sure ill get back home and feel like crap again.

 

I wish my ex some how in her heart find a way to let it all go and see what we always had... I really thought after a month or maybe even 2 something would click in her to say we need to talk for a bit and see where we are at now. sigh....

 

Power through it. This is why I was concerned about you sending this email because I figured this might be the reaction. I'm sure you still love her in some way but f--k her. If she doesn't want to talk to you, you don't need to be talking to her. Act like it's completely over and move on. So if anything does happen, it's a net positive occurrence. But yeah, what ever you do DO NOT CONTACT HER! You said what you had to say -- it's up to her now. And you got enough s--t going on that you aren't going to wait for her.

[LostOne1]

Power through it. This is why I was concerned about you sending this email because I figured this might be the reaction. I'm sure you still love her in some way but f--k her. If she doesn't want to talk to you, you don't need to be talking to her. Act like it's completely over and move on. So if anything does happen, it's a net positive occurrence. But yeah, what ever you do DO NOT CONTACT HER! You said what you had to say -- it's up to her now. And you got enough s--t going on that you aren't going to wait for her.

yeah I had a good talk with a few friends...

 

Basically told me that I'm constantly putting myself down. And that I DO DESERVE better.

 

That it's not right for a girl to be with you and love you for 3 yrs and then tell you that shes with another guy out of anger or even if she is... it wasn't right on her part to do that. That is even if I didn't treat her as well as she treated me.

 

And if she can put on a show to meet my grandma before she passes away, and inbtroduce me to her family and vacation with me et.c. just do all these things and then disrespect me on the week of our 3rd anniversary... then she isn't worth it.

 

And that there are MANY girls better than her out there. But in order to find them, I have to learn to love myself again, believe in myself again, be confident. Basically I need to be the person I was the year I met my ex.

 

I won her love because I was me.. confident, strong, funny.. all of thise things, which I lost while being with my ex overtime.

 

It's tough, and it's not so much her NOT reply to my email. It's more on the lines of what she did and how she did it. No guy wants to see his girl go off for 2 months. But I had no choice... in fact she never wanted to go, but she knew she had too. In the end she ended up liking the trip. But no guys wants to lose his girl on a trip either to another guy or just the distance.

 

I've been through something similar before and I don't remember how long it took me to get over it. Honestly, I think 1.5 to 2 years and meeting my ex got that pain away.

 

Which only makes me wonder if it will take the same or more time this time. Since this relationship was much more meaningful than my last. I'm slowly starting to wonder if it wasn't that I loved her, but loved the relationship or just being in one. I later now learned that I did love her too, just didn't show it as much, because just being in a relationship meant more maybe....

 

Not gonna like I've been convincing myself she's not worth it, don't text her to boost her ego, just look ahead to see that there are WAY better girls out there. I think she wants me to suffer and whine and cry back to her. So she can get the satisfaction knowing what she did was right and that I am suffering.

 

I won't like though texting has been temping LOL I saw a movie today.. the guy handcuffs himself to this girl who hates him as much as he hates her. Made me think what if I took a pair of handcuffs and handcuffed her with me one on her arm one on mine...jeez.. LOL

[juli017]

 

You think after sending an email I'd just give up now. And assume it's all over with and done. I mean she never got back to me, and the email was sent a few days ago.

 

At about 35 days now without any contact from her, and sending that email got everything I wanted out. But I'm lately getting into anxiety attacks. I wake up in the morning I feel all panicked like knowing she isnt there and it freaks me out. Then I settle back in or when I talk to someone I kinda feel a bit better.

 

 

In that case start again now. The complete NC that is.

 

It's normal to stumble every now and then, especially when this person was important in your life. I think you just need to practice more restraint when it comes to her.

 

Easier said than done I know but you really need to NOT contact her again. The transition into the single life is always hard, but overtime it will become easier.

 

It's coming onto 3 weeks for NC on my end, and I've pretty much accepted that I won't get what I want from him. I won't see, or hear from him again.

 

It's a mixture of giving up hope, and being realistic.

 

If your ex was that easily influenced to give you up, you need to do the same.

[Simon Phoenix]

LostOne1, your relationship is like The Sopranos, it's over man. What she did or didn't do with your grandmother just doesn't matter at this point. Hell, right before my break my ex and I were talking about taking a wine-tasting trip, going to Portland, Ore., on a getaway (I live in Cali), going to Vegas. She wanted to go to my grandparents' condo in Colorado to snowboard with me (or at least teach me to snowboard, I'm a skiier) and wanted to meet my family (my father lives out there in the winter to ski instruct). Even said I could introduce her as my "lady friend" -- and this was on our third date. She told my best friend that she loved spending time with me and was thanking him and his sister profusely for encouraging her to get in touch with me. And all of this came in a brand-new relationship. No wonder why I got cold feet

 

Do I think about these things sometimes? Sure, I am right now. But I know they don't matter right now and probably won't matter ever again because everything has changed. The girl who wanted to do all that with me, who drunkenly said she wanted to marry me and have a house on the beach, she's not around anymore. She doesn't exist. And there's nothing I can do about that right now. I just gotta do my thing, and you gotta do yours. All of those memories with your grandmother and stuff just aren't relevant right now.

[LostOne1]

ya that is true... my ex is someone else now. I do feel a bit better today I noticed. Still some pain, but I think it was the loneliness that got me into finding someone. I really felt so alone, and I know people have told me I don't NEED someone else. I should be perfectly fine by myself. But I think that's why I got into a relationship. I hated feeling alone, I hated just knowing something could happen to me and no one would care. I hated not having someone, who would take care of me when I'm sick and worry about me.

 

I guess I wanted that all and I GOT it. But then it fell apart partly because I stopped keeping my end of the bargain.

 

As I did say before, there were many things I slowly didn't like about her either. I just chose to ignore them or accept, that I care for her and it's something I'd need to adapt too.

 

But overall it was just be not wanting to be lonely and alone.

 

I mean I hate my mornings, because I wake up and usually everyone else is still asleep or gone out. So just being alone kinds freaks me out.. well lately it does, because I've lost my ex and just feel it's me left now.

 

Some mornings or moments I do have panick attacks....

 

And I hate how my days go... having class in the earl evening sucks! I wake up, do some work and all, then have to go to class, come home it's dark and dinner time, work on some stuff and sleep. My routine right now sucks... but then again maybe I'm just depressed.

 

But today I feel better in the sense that I feel like I don't have any feelings for her now. I mean I don't know how I could look at her and tell her I love her. Because I just don't know... and that's scary. In 1 month I don't feel the love, and she felt that in 2-3 weeks. Guess it shows how anyone can kill love and the feeling of love so fast.

[River Rain]

I'm just going to respond to the post title because it's very relevant to me right now. RESENTFUL. My bf gave me the cold shoulder for three weeks. At first it made me worried, then scared, then sad, then devastated, then angry and resentful.

 

He said he needed patience from me, and I gave it to him while I suffered in silence all alone, just waiting for his "judgment".

 

There is no fondness left for him. He is now my ex. This will be the biggest red flag of them all for me in future relationships. Silence/Ignoring = it's over and I'm moving on quickly.

[Simon Phoenix]

ya that is true... my ex is someone else now. I do feel a bit better today I noticed. Still some pain, but I think it was the loneliness that got me into finding someone. I really felt so alone, and I know people have told me I don't NEED someone else. I should be perfectly fine by myself. But I think that's why I got into a relationship. I hated feeling alone, I hated just knowing something could happen to me and no one would care. I hated not having someone, who would take care of me when I'm sick and worry about me.

 

I guess I wanted that all and I GOT it. But then it fell apart partly because I stopped keeping my end of the bargain.

 

As I did say before, there were many things I slowly didn't like about her either. I just chose to ignore them or accept, that I care for her and it's something I'd need to adapt too.

 

But overall it was just be not wanting to be lonely and alone.

 

I mean I hate my mornings, because I wake up and usually everyone else is still asleep or gone out. So just being alone kinds freaks me out.. well lately it does, because I've lost my ex and just feel it's me left now.

 

Some mornings or moments I do have panick attacks....

 

And I hate how my days go... having class in the earl evening sucks! I wake up, do some work and all, then have to go to class, come home it's dark and dinner time, work on some stuff and sleep. My routine right now sucks... but then again maybe I'm just depressed.

 

But today I feel better in the sense that I feel like I don't have any feelings for her now. I mean I don't know how I could look at her and tell her I love her. Because I just don't know... and that's scary. In 1 month I don't feel the love, and she felt that in 2-3 weeks. Guess it shows how anyone can kill love and the feeling of love so fast.

 

I don't mind being alone at all, so that hasn't been that hard for me. Sure, I'd rather be with good people, but I'm confident in my own solitude.

[LostOne1]

I don't mind being alone at all, so that hasn't been that hard for me. Sure, I'd rather be with good people, but I'm confident in my own solitude.

That's something I have to work on and get used too. Basically to a point where I feel I don't NEED anyone in my life, and I can get things done on my own and push onwards in life on my own.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's something I have to work on and get used too. Basically to a point where I feel I don't NEED anyone in my life, and I can get things done on my own and push onwards in life on my own.

 

Yeah, usually I feel that other people are a hindrance. I mean, I'm social and I have friends and I go out and I'm friendly, but in general the presence of other people doesn't affect me. Which is why I freaked out with this one, because I was feeling attachment when I usually don't. While I loved it, it also took me out of the comfort zone I'm usually in. Now I feel like I'm back in that comfort zone.

[River Rain]

That's something I have to work on and get used too. Basically to a point where I feel I don't NEED anyone in my life, and I can get things done on my own and push onwards in life on my own.

 

It took me a long time to get there to be honest. I enjoy my solitude, I like my hobbies and I do enjoy doing things on my own. But there is a little piece of me that's missing and empty, and that is completed by having love and romance in my life. When I've expressed this to people, they automatically assume I'm the type who loses myself in a relationship and will only feel fulfilled based on the affections of a man...but that's not it at all. I am my own person always, but I feel whole with love. There is nothing wrong with feeling the need for a partner, in fact I think it's normal when you're lonely. I'm not shy to say a man will complete me, because I'm pretty confident on my own to begin with. I don't think that you have to work on not needing someone to the point where you're really happy being alone necessarily...anyway that's a tangent, reading your post got me thinking

[LostOne1]

It took me a long time to get there to be honest. I enjoy my solitude, I like my hobbies and I do enjoy doing things on my own. But there is a little piece of me that's missing and empty, and that is completed by having love and romance in my life. When I've expressed this to people, they automatically assume I'm the type who loses myself in a relationship and will only feel fulfilled based on the affections of a man...but that's not it at all. I am my own person always, but I feel whole with love. There is nothing wrong with feeling the need for a partner, in fact I think it's normal when you're lonely. I'm not shy to say a man will complete me, because I'm pretty confident on my own to begin with. I don't think that you have to work on not needing someone to the point where you're really happy being alone necessarily...anyway that's a tangent, reading your post got me thinking

Well for me.. i ALWAYS wanted to be with someone. And, girls never liked me that much or ones that did, well I wasn't into them.

 

Along the journey I would say there has been only 2-3 years apart until I found someone else again. Though this time I don't know... I kinda feel for once I don't want a relationship, but I wouldn't mind having more friends that are girls. That I can hang with and all, but not really a relationship or more of a friendly one.

 

I alienated most of my friends because of my ex.. and slowly have gotten back to hanging with them all. It's a good feeling being able to call a friend, and have them meet up for a few drinks and talk about life.

 

Today I feel better more like I don't need her and I can get through this year without her help. I do however need to figure how to work my schedule better so I am more productive.

 

I know what you mean by a piece thats missing and it being empty. I kinda felt that, and I'm sure I will when I see other couples together and all. But for me I know I'll find someone else eventually when I'm ready to try again and hope for the best.

 

So far no good luck, which worries me for marriage. Last thing I want is to be with someone, who just leaves me. Hopefully by then I'll have grown.

[River Rain]

Well for me.. i ALWAYS wanted to be with someone. And, girls never liked me that much or ones that did, well I wasn't into them.

 

Along the journey I would say there has been only 2-3 years apart until I found someone else again. Though this time I don't know... I kinda feel for once I don't want a relationship, but I wouldn't mind having more friends that are girls. That I can hang with and all, but not really a relationship or more of a friendly one.

 

I alienated most of my friends because of my ex.. and slowly have gotten back to hanging with them all. It's a good feeling being able to call a friend, and have them meet up for a few drinks and talk about life.

 

Today I feel better more like I don't need her and I can get through this year without her help. I do however need to figure how to work my schedule better so I am more productive.

 

I know what you mean by a piece thats missing and it being empty. I kinda felt that, and I'm sure I will when I see other couples together and all. But for me I know I'll find someone else eventually when I'm ready to try again and hope for the best.

 

So far no good luck, which worries me for marriage. Last thing I want is to be with someone, who just leaves me. Hopefully by then I'll have grown.

 

I always wanted to be with someone too, although for the 20 years or so, depression killed that idea. But as soon as I felt better, that desire came back and it's still there. Even though I'm okay being alone, I'm always thinking of ways to find someone. I like being alone, but I hate being lonely.

 

I agree that being productive is important. I'm still stinging a little from my breakup, but I've been keeping as busy as I can so as not to fall into sadness. I refuse to do it, but that's probably also because I'm afraid the depression will come back too, so I'm empowered to move on quickly and effectively.

 

You know I haven't had a friend in 20 years too? When depression hit, I stopped efforts to keep in touch. Then that comfortable rut...and I never attempted to meet a soul. I have an email friend at the moment and it's a good start, but yes, I miss being able to call a friend just because they are your friend.

 

Oh gosh, the last thing I want too is someone who will just leave me. But like you said, you'll find someone else when you're ready and hope for the best. I think that opportunities will always present themselves if we look for them, but we just have to keep hope that true love will find us.

Edited October 1, 2012 by River Rain