About a good friend of mine

[personazero]

I guess I should explain what's being going on with my life before I go into my good friend. Basically I got out of a two year relationship with my last girlfriend. I'm in my late 20's, my ex was in her early 20's and Rebecca is 25(Some people say age helps in these matters I dunno). The reason I broke up with my ex is because I felt that I was putting more into the relationship than she was, she was immature, it was a long distance relationship so I didn't get to see her often and I felt neglected by her. I think I'm over my ex now but I have feelings for a friend of mine.

 

I met my friend Rebecca (not her real name) about a year into my relationship with my now ex girlfriend. We pretty much hit it off as friends right off the bat and she is a really nice girl. She's just kind of shy in general unless you got to get to know her. But we always text each other, live near each other and we would go out sometimes plus we have similar backgrounds/personalities. While I was in my relationship she would sometimes give me advice to help our relationship(which usually helped me out) and I would try to help her out with finding a boyfriend (she is attractive and nice but I think her shyness gets in her way). I think because of the way our friendship was prior to me and my ex breaking up kind of made things harder for me now. I started to fall in love with Rebecca(I always thought she was cute but I was in a relationship with someone else that I loved at that time) and I think she might have a crush on me. I feel kind of dumb for not asking her out earlier in life as she treats me a lot better than my ex did even when I was dating my ex.

 

The thing is when I broke up with my ex, Rebecca has been trying to save my relationship with my ex. I really don't want to go back to my ex as I gave her multiple chances to make up only for things to get worse. Rebecca and I have hung out after the relationship and people seem to think we are a couple but we aren't. I seem to be getting visual clues that Rebecca has a crush on me, she is always playing around with her hair around me, she has been more giggly around me, staring into my eyes more and I think she has been wearing lipstick more. I do want to ask her out but I don't want her to feel like she is a rebound or a homewreaker because she really isn't going to be one.

 

At first I thought this might be a friend zone text so I was all sad but I'm not so sure now after reading it again(I only read it once). Basically after all the signs I saw in this girl that I knew, I told her I was done with my ex gf. She seemed ok with it. The next time I saw her we hung out and had dinner together with just us. She even blew off going out with her best friend to do this with me who asked to hang out before me. For some reason she was super giggly that night and couldn't stop playing with her hair around me and I think she purposely wore an outfit that showed more skin(not skimpy or sluty I just could see her legs and cleavage more) than she usually does and I think I made her blush beet red once. At the end of the night I wanted to hug her but held myself back after having a funny but sort of awkward goodbye. I think it was because maybe I just wasn't ready to do it. So I tried to apologize via text about the awkward moment saying I wanted to hug her seriously I wasn't going to kiss her though the thought came up.

 

I think I might have did a George Castanza coffee movie because she kind of joked before we got to the place where we were going to eat that we should go to my place(she never asked to come over before or visited me) and order a pizza and I kind of just laughed it off. Anyway she got kind of quiet in general with the whole text thing after I asked to hang out with her again and said she was busy. So after a while she apologized for being busy and sent this text. Some things have been changed namewise.

 

Rebecca: Sorry, I just been busy lately. I'm not going out this weekend. Hey by the way I just wanted to make sure we are just friends... right? I just want to make it clear lol I was confused when you tried to hug me because we don't hug each other.

 

I'm kind of weird with people hugging me without knowing me and she knows that. I usually do hug people after knowing a person for a while but it seemed weird to hug her before this moment because I was dating my ex girlfriend when I got to know Rebecca. I feel bad for not hugging her beforehand but I was in a relationship. So I'm not sure how to take this text because I seen a bunch of signs that she likes me but she sends this text and I'm not sure if she was trying to get answer out of me about my feelings or was she putting me in the friend zone.

 

I already responded to the text by saying that we are just friends and I'm not ready to date anyone yet until I made sure I'm okay myself and ready to move on. She said that sounded good and we been texting somewhat regularly now.

 

So what do you guys think of this whole situation? Am I just a friend or was she trying to figure out where I stand? If you think it's one or the other can you give me advice on what to do next? Also thanks for reading all this text as I wrote a lot but I figured this would paint a better picture.

[personazero]

Is the whole text thing confusing to everyone else? There's been so many people looking at this thread yet nobody says anything. I'm curious to what the text means. Is it a I want to see where you stand thing or I'm in the friend zone thing?

[darkmoon]

she's telling you no hugs, either listen, say bye, or discuss it some more with her but face to face this time just bring it up next tme you meet

[personazero]

she's telling you no hugs, either listen, say bye, or discuss it some more with her but face to face this time just bring it up next tme you meet

 

If I was a normal guy when it came to hugging people I would have understood that however I have this weird thing where I don't hug people unless I get to know them pretty well(like my ex gf, family, or best friend). I know it's not normal but I get kind of weird out if people do it beforehand(I don't know why I just do). I explained that to Rebecca when I first met her and she was fine with it.

 

That reminded me of something after you mentioned it(Thanks for reminding me about this because I totally forgot) though because when I first text her about the hug she was okay about it prior to the text that I posted here. I might have made her shy/nervous about it because well I never hugged her before but that was mostly because I was with my ex at the time and I actually felt somewhat comfortable to do it before hand when I didn't think of Rebecca as a love interest I because I was still in love with my ex. I think it was more so the act of hugging her that confused her more than the hug itself because she knows how I am with that.

 

If that's case and she was sizing up how I feel about her and not friend zoning me I feel like such an idiot now. Especially since I'm weird with hugs and she's somewhat shy so she probably thinks I don't like her as more than a friend which is the opposite of how I feel.

 

I think you are right about talking to her about it face to face though because it would clear things up with her. I just don't want to shoot myself in the foot again after all this.

[darkmoon]

If I was a normal guy when it came to hugging people I would have understood that however I have this weird thing where I don't hug people unless I get to know them pretty well(like my ex gf, family, or best friend). I know it's not normal but I get kind of weird out if people do it beforehand(I don't know why I just do). I explained that to Rebecca when I first met her and she was fine with it.

 

That reminded me of something after you mentioned it(Thanks for reminding me about this because I totally forgot) though because when I first text her about the hug she was okay about it prior to the text that I posted here. I might have made her shy/nervous about it because well at the time and I actually felt somewhat comfortable to do it before hand when I didn't think of Rebecca as a love interest I because I was still in love with my ex. I think it was more so the act of hugging her that confused her more than the hug itself because she knows how I am with that.

 

If that's case and she was sizing up how I feel about her and not friend zoning me I feel like such an idiot now. Especially since I'm weird with hugs and she's somewhat shy so she probably thinks I don't like her as more than a friend which is the opposite of how I feel.

 

I think you are right about talking to her about it face to face though because it would clear things up with her. I just don't want to shoot myself in the foot again after all this.

 

so be tactful, maybe discuss hugs in general but her earlier acceptance is not here now, you two need to discuss - but why do you have to hug her after she's said no?

 

"I never hugged her before but that was mostly because I was with my ex"

 

Rebecca might just feel second best - why didn't you choose to hug her before, thus choosing her over the ex - why Rebecca now?

Reb might need convincing that you're for keeps, not just a fwb

Edited September 24, 2012 by darkmoon

[personazero]

so be tactful, maybe discuss hugs in general but her earlier acceptance is not here now, you two need to discuss - but why do you have to hug her after she's said no?

 

"I never hugged her before but that was mostly because I was with my ex"

 

Rebecca might just feel second best - why didn't you choose to hug her before, thus choosing her over the ex - why Rebecca now?

Reb might need convincing that you're for keeps, not just a fwb

 

Be tactful how? And I don't have to hug her but I guess from actually knowing her and myself I think it might be some misunderstanding.

 

I didn't mean to make her feel second best and I don't want her as a fwb, I want her as my girlfriend if she wants to be or stay just friends if we weren't meant to be. Also with the whole I never hugged her before I broke up with my ex thing, well I was dating my ex at the time(how would you feel you were a girl and a guy with a girlfriend hugged you?). I always thought Rebecca is cute but in the same sense I respected my relationship with my ex.

 

My last relationship wasn't that great at the end of it my ex gf wasn't putting in the same effort I was with her and she seemed to be using me for sex and a piggy bank. Rebecca actually cares about what I do, how I feel, she is caring and sweet, and it seems like I actually matter to her whether it's platonic or romantic. Plus we have similar interests and I feel chemistry with her. This is why I care about to her true feelings and what happens to us later on.

[personazero]

so be tactful, maybe discuss hugs in general but her earlier acceptance is not here now, you two need to discuss - but why do you have to hug her after she's said no?

 

"I never hugged her before but that was mostly because I was with my ex"

 

Rebecca might just feel second best - why didn't you choose to hug her before, thus choosing her over the ex - why Rebecca now?

Reb might need convincing that you're for keeps, not just a fwb

 

I talked to Rebecca about it last night and it turns out the text was confusing. She wasn't mad about the hug at all because I didn't want to rush things. She was a little sad and thought that it was weird that I never hugged her prior to that so I guess you were right about that. I wasn't actually friend zoned (from her own mouth) at all it's that she thought I should wait a little longer to be single since I was with my ex for 2 years and she wants to know me without being with someone and not rush things between us.

 

It turns out she just wanted to assess/test our relationship that's why she asked that but meant she wanted things to be clear with us where we stood (basically if I said I love you now there would be no chance but since I'm taking the time to find myself and what I want I still got a chance) I felt so bad because I sort of freaked her out because if I would have rushed things she would have been mad because she thought the hug being sexual for right now might have rushed things and been a friends with benefits thing and neither of us wants that. But she is fine with me hugging her and we are going to do spend time with each other soon.

[darkmoon]

I talked to Rebecca about it last night and it turns out the text was confusing. She wasn't mad about the hug at all because I didn't want to rush things. She was a little sad and thought that it was weird that I never hugged her prior to that so I guess you were right about that. I wasn't actually friend zoned (from her own mouth) at all it's that she thought I should wait a little longer to be single since I was with my ex for 2 years and she wants to know me without being with someone and not rush things between us.

 

It turns out she just wanted to assess/test our relationship that's why she asked that but meant she wanted things to be clear with us where we stood (basically if I said I love you now there would be no chance but since I'm taking the time to find myself and what I want I still got a chance) I felt so bad because I sort of freaked her out because if I would have rushed things she would have been mad because she thought the hug being sexual for right now might have rushed things and been a friends with benefits thing and neither of us wants that. But she is fine with me hugging her and we are going to do spend time with each other soon.

 

well, all that comes to mind is you and Reb actually like each other alot, which is good, but i hope you don't talk about the ex, only unless Reb asks, so that she can make sure you don't want the old ex. Here on Loveshack it was hopefully a good move, but if I were in Reb's shoes and you talked about her, it would tell me that the ex is still part of your life, is a memory being kept alive and not somebody trivial to be forgotten, which sooner or later she needs to be, like any other ex.

 

You've been in girl'stown here - I hope your stay has been a very happy one

Edited September 26, 2012 by darkmoon