TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 No, but you can butt out of someone else's relationship and not compromise their vow. It may well be a declaration of intention, but if you don't believe such intentions can be fulfilled, then there's no point declaring them. But being outside of that relationship, and a part of someone else's dishonesty and lack of integrity has little to commend it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Marriage is not a reason for me to stay away from a man I am in love with, not if he is in love with me. This is how I would answer the original question of how I coped with being in an affair as an OW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 [/sorry you are very simple in your thinking. In the most superficially regliious of society things just go underground. Just because you hear of something more often only means that people are less scared of repercussions. NOT THAT IS NOT HAPPENING.{QUOTE] Maybe you think that it is simple. But I have only given a little of what I know and what I was taught. I have had many years of differant parts of my life and none of it has been simple. Put it this way people live and learn. The way I was brought up and the way things have happened are two differant things. Over the 51 years of my life I have seen and lived more then most. Only so much is being said we I was stating to trinity about the differant ways where I live is compared to hers. If things were so simple in my thoughts I would not have been divorced twice. I have my own thoughts and high values. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Actually, I have felt like that a number of times, including with my H, but also with others. It can start with a spark, an attraction, a glance, and if one chooses to pursue it, it may or may not proceed to be madly in love and obsessed even, and then, it may or may not proceed to being truly in love. I learned decades ago that I could either pursue the spark, attraction, glance or let it go. I definitely let it go with husband's of my friends, relatives, coworkers, and now, with husband's of anyone. That's the beauty of being an adult, one can make choices. I honestly never have to worry about ending up f-ing my daughter's H because I am so worked up I can't control myself, because I have confidence in my ability to make loving choices where my family is concerned. Feels great to know that about oneself. It is rather sad to know that some adults feel they just can't control themselves and that things simply happen to them and they end up f-ing their daughter's husband behind her back. Yes, it happens. People who it happens to are immature, selfish, and incapable of real love. Fortunately most people are not quite that selfish, but may still be selfish enough to end up f-ing their friend's H, and certainly a not insignificant number are selfish enough to end up f-ing a stranger's H. I know because I was one of them. It is a choice - except for those who have a mental impairment. For example, with Alzheimer's one can betray one's spouse without fully comprehending what one is doing. I'm not talking about those with such an impairment. Just people who knowingly make selfish choices. I'm always amazed at those who just happen to "fall inlove" and the comment about falling inlove before the A...I'm sorry but how is that possible? Falling inlove takes time, it takes persistent emotionally intimate interaction...it comes about by choices you make. It's not like the flu where love is in the air and you can simply catch it and fall for someone against your will.... To answer the originally question, I found out he was in a relationship after I'd already fallen in love with him. I justified staying with lots of reasons: I already love him, maybe he doesn't love her, well we're LD most times so it's not that bad, I'm not the one who has to lie and I don't have to sneak around so why not. But for the most part I took an approach of out of sight/discussion, out of mind. I simply ignored his status for a while until different things occurred that made it apparent I wasn't his one and only...and then those things caused more and more friction until dissolution. But for a good year and change I simply didn't think about it and the less I knew the better. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Is it now up to those outside the marriage to keep the vows? You think this is funny...? If you're interfering with the integrity of that marriage, of course it is! It is as much your place to say - "You're married, I can't be the one to encourage you to break your vows" as it is for them to say - "I'm married - I really shouldn't break my vows". Just because you have nothing invested, doesn't mean you're free of guilt by association. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I am with you MissBee. My A started the same way. My love developed for him before I knew his marital status. Otherwise I would have walked away from the very beginning, and I would not be on this thread. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I have to say, that any man who can deceive a woman, or withhold that kind of information, is more selfish than one who at least openly admits to being married from the get-go.... It kind of makes him a double-liar, and I accept that changing feelings once you're into it, is an extremely difficult situation to extricate yourself from. But the fact that he masked his situation, would, I believe, make me withdraw somewhat. Being lied to, or having pertinent information kept from me, deliberately, is not something I think I could ever be comfortable with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I know their is something we can all agree on and that is weather your a OW, OM, BS and so on being betrayed hurts and sucks. No body wants to be lied to especially from someone we trust and love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I have to say, that any man who can deceive a woman, or withhold that kind of information, is more selfish than one who at least openly admits to being married from the get-go.... It kind of makes him a double-liar, and I accept that changing feelings once you're into it, is an extremely difficult situation to extricate yourself from. But the fact that he masked his situation, would, I believe, make me withdraw somewhat. Being lied to, or having pertinent information kept from me, deliberately, is not something I think I could ever be comfortable with. I do see your point, and it did of course affect me (finding out after the fact), but I also felt that I shared responsibility for the situation, so I was not hard on him. I could have easily found out more about his marital status by either a) ASKING him or b) asking others. I did not; maybe because deep down I did not want to know. Unfortunately the period of time that elapsed from us entering into the A to him telling me he was married was long enough to allow myself to fall head over heels for him. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) I never said I lived my life passively as if I didn't have a choice. I never said I let things happen even if they may be really bad for me or go against my values or whatever. I too value self-control and self-awareness, and am confident of making choices where I respect my values, which are good for me and treat others as I want them to treat me. What I said is that I respect love more than marriage. Marriage is not a reason for me to stay away from a man I am in love with, not if he is in love with me. The point I was addressing was getting to the point of being in love with a married man. And I was responding to this statement of yours: It's not like you seek it, but if it happens it does. Maybe it would be more accurate to say then if you see a man who is married and he interests you, you will sometimes chose to see if there is something more there, someone whom you might fall in love with, just like anyone might pursue things with a single man who interests them. Still puzzled if you would do this with your daughter's H though. Does no marriage matter to you as far as checking out whether you two might have some romantic interest in each other or not? It is honesty and openness and how one treats others that most interests and concerns me. I don't like to lie and so would not want to put a man I care about in a position where he had to lie. Edited September 22, 2012 by woinlove 4 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I beleive two people get married because of love or they would not do it. If you do not plan on keeping your vows then you should not marry to begin with. Their is plenty of single men in the world. I never had a problem meeting a single man when I was not married. But in my neck of the woods people really judge cheating. I guess you can say religion and morals are exspected here. You do realize people change as time goes on. People can out grow the other or a spouse lets themselves go and maybe the WS just isn't attracted to them anymore. However some stay together for many reasons. Or quite possibly a husband is content with his wife but someone better comes along and shows interest in them, this goes both ways, men let themselves go too. There are so many different people and stories out there. I don't justify it to anyone, if you have a problem with who I love or who I'm with that's your issue to deal with it. My family and friends are well aware of my past and present relationships and they love me for who I am not who I do lmao. I will be judged someday but it won't be from a stranger online or a bs it will be from a much higher power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
j'adore Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 ok whether you like it or not or agree with it or not, I FELL I LOVE WITH HIM SEVERAL MEETINGS AT SEPARATE ENGAGEMENtS. not intentionally but without real thought, i just fell in love with him, AND HIM WITH ME, up to then we both thought we would be married forever FOREVER. You don't get it, then you have NEVER been there!! i CAN'T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU AS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I LOVE HIM, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM, I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE AGAIN EVER; so if he will not be with me, then i will be alone forever. Like a sad widow who lost her love during the war. he will always love me i KNOW THAT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T GET IT Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I did my best by telling him he should make a choice. He didn't. What prevented you from making your own choice? I could not imagine that someone could be so in love and yet stay married. That was not within my experience at the time. Actually, it's not that it wasn't in your experience. You chose to not consider that fact, because knowing he was married, committed and had a spouse, you proceeded anyway, regardless of what feelings might have existed between him and his wife. you discounted the opportunity to even consider it. I don't believe in promising love as I have said before so keeping your vows means nothing to me. I do believe in getting a divorce if you are having a relationship outside the marriage. But it is not within my power to make someone else take that step. You constantly abdicate the 'power' to make a decision and put it all on his shoulders. Understand this - you contribute - you are equally to blame. If he won't divorce, because an affair makes a mockery of his voiws - then you have it within your power to control yourself and not compromise the integrity of his wife's trust. It takes two to tango. At least have the decency and honesty - like bailey14 has done - to own your culpability in this. Were it not for you, he might still be faithful to his wife. YOU - are the lynch-pin in this. YOU are responsible for your own 'steps' in this - and they are as guilt-worthy as his. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 Bailey, are you going to keep sharing him with her? Or are you going to demand that he leave He will never leave her and I will never ask him to. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Aaargh! too many 'Tara' s on this forum...! I was about to write - "Hang on - I never said that!?" and then, I realised..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 ok whether you like it or not or agree with it or not' date=' I FELL I LOVE WITH HIM SEVERAL MEETINGS AT SEPARATE ENGAGEMENtS. not intentionally but without real thought, i just fell in love with him, AND HIM WITH ME, up to then we both thought we would be married forever FOREVER. You don't get it, then you have NEVER been there!! i CAN'T EXPLAIN IT TO YOU AS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I LOVE HIM, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM, I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE AGAIN EVER; so if he will not be with me, then i will be alone forever. Like a sad widow who lost her love during the war. he will always love me i KNOW THAT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T GET IT[/quote'] I get it, I totally get it. Im curious as to how long you have been with him and does his wife know? If not what do you think would happen if he or you told her? Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Marriage is of no importance unless you're the one married. Only then do you place a huge importance on it. Some OW want a MM for their own but there will still be some who place no importance on your marriage. Then what? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 capitalization does not make it any different than it was when you used lower case letters. you assumption of others never having been in love because they didn't go about the way you say you did...is just an example of the differences in opinion and life standards. CAN YOU HEAR ME! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 It all comes down to boundaries. Promising or not promising love forever and marriage are moot points. If you've promised fidelity or monogamy...you do things to honor that. Boundaries come in quite handy for that . Example, my aunt is a very beautiful, vivacious woman that men are absolutely drawn to. In fact, people in general flock to her like moths to a flame. Such is her personality, she is naturally magnetic and flirtatious. She also is a business woman and her business requires networking, so on a daily basis she often meets men and takes their cards and they give her theirs etc. Now, she is happily married to a man that adores her and she him. She confessed to us(we had a girls day out with some of the women in our family) that she was corresponding with a man she was originally speaking with for business reasons via text and she started developing feelings for him. She said she realized wtf was she doing, she admitted she crossed the line by responding to his text to begin with. Her doing that made him think she was interested ad she is only human, so when that carried on, she did develop an attraction. However, she doesn't know this man. She knows her husband for 14 years and they have a great life and she was advising the unmarried women of the family that this is how "innocent" things can get out of hand and how you can essentially get caught up in feelings and have an affair and potentially ruin a good life...simply because you lacked the appropriate boundaries. I admire my aunt and uncle's M and I also was glad to hear that slip up...as she made it clear that M involves imperfect people and temptations abound but if you VALUE what you have, you go out of your way to protect it. It's not that upon marriage you can never be attracted to another...which is what some people seem to be saying, that "obviously" they "fell inlove" with someone else because they stopped loving their spouse. No, this may be the case for some, but like my aunt, she is still inlove with her husband, but she is a human who can also meet other people and have an attraction for them. However, upon marrying, she vowed to forsake all others, so that is the promise she chooses to keep, regardless of how cute, handsome, smart or charming some other man is. The CHOICE to feed natural attraction is yours. My aunt started to feed it innocently and then realized how she could have slipped and slid all the way into an A. She has now realized that to protect what she values she has to be more strict about her boundaries. Most if not all As are a matter of lax boundaries which then allow for things to "just happen". 8 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 The only reason it matters to me whether he stays married or not is because it has an impact on me. His wife is none of my concern. She's his problem. You are under your control and by definition, a freer agent than he is. His wife is your problem, certainly, because she exists for one thing. And if she finds out - who do you honestly think he will choose? I have a feeling you already know. And then, she will certainly not only be a problem. She will be the solution. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Remind me to never move to Europe with my daughter, best friend, sister or my mother.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
j'adore Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I get it, I totally get it. Im curious as to how long you have been with him and does his wife know? If not what do you think would happen if he or you told her? i HAVE NEVER TALKED IN CAPITALS ON HERE but you need to know I LOVE HIM, HE LOVES ME,i have known him for four years I KNOW HIM MORE THAN HIS BS DOES i can sense his feelings, it is almost psychic. get over it, it is real, BUT IT IS A FACT I LOVE HIM HE LOVES ME i want to shout it out AGH AGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAG i don't care anymore and he is fckd up because of it. learn from that BS LEARN!!! WE ARE HERE TO LEARN Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 i HAVE NEVER TALKED IN CAPITALS ON HERE but you need to know I LOVE HIM' date=' HE LOVES ME,i have known him for four years I KNOW HIM MORE THAN HIS BS DOES i can sense his feelings, it is almost psychic. get over it, it is real, BUT IT IS A FACT I LOVE HIM HE LOVES ME i want to shout it out AGH AGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAG i don't care anymore and he is fckd up because of it. learn from that BS LEARN!!! WE ARE HERE TO LEARN[/quote'] I'm not sure why your getting angry with me, I'm not judging you. I'm in the same boat as you, I'm just curious as to why ow do what they do and why bs do what they do? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 j'adore, you're beginning to lose the plot. Frankly, however much you protest, insist and yell (in capitals) it doesn't make your position any more admirable. You're a cheater-enabler. He cheats, and uses you accordingly, but he's still with her, and you're the broken one. Way to go. You have to move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Oh, and mercy, just a reminder: Don't move to Europe with your best friend, daughter, sister or mother. OK? Just helping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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