TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Well, hopefully we will find out within the next few months since he (with my encouragement) is planning to tell her. The question is not whether he will - 'within the next few months'....? (Why the wait??) tell her, but - why hasn't he already done so? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Remind me to never move to Europe with my daughter, best friend, sister or my mother.... LMAO :lmao: Somehow I don't believe this is a European thing. I'm sure some in America are just like this. I don't think it's cultural so much as some people, through their life experiences, just have very different boundaries or none. I was reading a book on different family types and how that affects your ideas of love and the relationships you form. The author talked about 3 types of dysfunctional families. They were: Cultic Family: "To win my love, you must obey without question." Chaotic Family: "I need you to love me; I'll love you if you do." Corrupt Family: "Love is lying for each other and sticking together. The boundaries in chaotic families for example are non-existent. It states: Boundaries in Chaotic Families Enmeshment is a state of confusion in which you do not know where you end and another begins. Physical boundaries are violated - the kids sleep with the parents, family members go to the bathroom while you are taking a bath, your brother or sister uses your things and wears your clothes (without permission) The driving motivation in chaotic families is learning to please. Love is based on neediness and emotional hunger. Children are "spoiled" or taught to be their parents' caretakers or both. There is a lot of failure in chaotic families. People try hard but they never quite make it. Trying is a kind of magical behavior. In chaotic families, children learn that if you try hard, you don't have to actually get it done. Children from chaotic families are often set up to take care of the needs of their families, take care of their parents' marriage, and/or take care of one of their parents. Since the parents are often immature and childlike, they expect their children to make them happy. The children learn that they are most lovable when they are caring for their parents - or making another person feel good. I think if you are from a chaotic family, it makes sense why an A would be normal for you and why boundary crossing isn't something abnormal to you. You probably will be in an A with a MM who "tries to leave" but cannot as it models your own family dynamic growing up, you'll probably always be i a caretaker role and it makes sense to me how boundaries don't really matter as you've never been taught that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Oh, and mercy, just a reminder: Don't move to Europe with your best friend, daughter, sister or mother. OK? Just helping. Are you a bs? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I'm not sure why your getting angry with me, I'm not judging you. I'm in the same boat as you, I'm just curious as to why ow do what they do and why bs do what they do? I think she assumes you are a BS. Perhaps she hasn't read your response to her assumption in the other thread. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 You do realize people change as time goes on. People can out grow the other or a spouse lets themselves go and maybe the WS just isn't attracted to them anymore. However some stay together for many reasons. Or quite possibly a husband is content with his wife but someone better comes along and shows interest in them, this goes both ways, men let themselves go too. There are so many different people and stories out there. I don't justify it to anyone, if you have a problem with who I love or who I'm with that's your issue to deal with it. My family and friends are well aware of my past and present relationships and they love me for who I am not who I do lmao. I will be judged someday but it won't be from a stranger online or a bs it will be from a much higher power. I have a right to beleive what I want and to not cheat if I do not want to. I choise to divorce when my marriages went sour. If you choose to do what you do thats on you. But that is not my place to judge you. It is a fact that my family has high morals and standards. As you can see we were talking about where we came from and beleives. I have been hurt by cheating husbands And I if they wanted out they should tell me and not lied behind my back nor the OWs. I am a big girl I could of took it. I was not judging but I do judge someone that does something personally to me and if it effects my life. I do not want to hurt people the way I have been hurt.I also know that their are many circumstances out there I see it everyday on here. I am sorry if you took this wrong but I want my marriages to be a curtain way and I deserve no less.Trinty has come from another part of the world then me its also a fact that people are more judgemental here because of religion. I have very good friends and family also. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 The chaotic family thing is making so much sense... There is a need for love and being loved at all cost. Parents are usually needy and raise children needy for love and being loved. It makes sense to me then why one would value getting love over and against anything else...as there is an emotional hunger there. So the idea of boundaries or not dating MM or not dating your friend's spouse or what have you become irrelevant in one's pursuit for that love. One raises love to a magical level where all becomes fair in its pursuit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I know why. You don't. There is a lot you don't know about being the OW. So perhaps we should go back to the original topic. TaraMaiden, do you have any personal experience to share from on this topic? No. This isn't about me. I'm not an OW. I've never been the BS and I've never been with a MM. Other than those I've been married to. What's up? I get the impression that you are squirming under scrutiny. You know full well that there's absolutely nothing you can say in my mind to justify your position as the OW. So why suddenly go all coy and not answer the question? Or does it just serve to make your situation seem all the more inarguable? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Are you a bs? I think she's a buddhist. Be kind to the universe and its inhabitants. And she has a sense of humor. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 And goodness knows, humour in this life* is essential. without it we'd go potty. (*or indeed, any life! ) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) No. This isn't about me. I'm not an OW. I've never been the BS and I've never been with a MM. Other than those I've been married to. What's up? I get the impression that you are squirming under scrutiny. You know full well that there's absolutely nothing you can say in my mind to justify your position as the OW. So why suddenly go all coy and not answer the question? Or does it just serve to make your situation seem all the more inarguable? I'm glad you've never had to be in our shoes as a bs or ow. So why are you here judging others when you have flipping clue what we are all going through. Do you not have anything better to do but judge others. Edited September 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed inflammatory remark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I think she's a buddhist. Be kind to the universe and its inhabitants. And she has a sense of humor. I don't always either sound, or seem kind. But I'm not malicious. And if there's one thing I cannot abide, it's betrayal. Lying, cheating and betraying, without conscience or through abdication of responsibility, is to me a heinous thing. It hurts. It causes 'ripples in the pond'. It's infinitely damaging and so hard to rectify. Once you annihilate someone's trust, rebuilding it, or rectifying the damage is near-impossible. What people fail to realise is that it compromises the integrity, character and peace of Mind of the instigator too. The tragedy cuts both ways. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I don't always either sound, or seem kind. But I'm not malicious. And if there's one thing I cannot abide, it's betrayal. Lying, cheating and betraying, without conscience or through abdication of responsibility, is to me a heinous thing. It hurts. It causes 'ripples in the pond'. It's infinitely damaging and so hard to rectify. Once you annihilate someone's trust, rebuilding it, or rectifying the damage is near-impossible. What people fail to realise is that it compromises the integrity, character and peace of Mind of the instigator too. The tragedy cuts both ways. All I read was Blau Blau Blau Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Bolded is why. Having a discussion with you is meaningless since we don't share a value system. From your point of view I am doing something wrong and there is nothing I can say that will change that. From my point of view I am not doing anything wrong and there is nothing you can say that will change that. So no point in discussing any further. Actually no point in discussing anything with you to begin with. You call this having a 'value system'? Can you at least attempt to explain to me where, in this situation of yours, the 'value system' Kicks in? Where is the decency? Honesty? Integrity? Dignity? Respect? What specific 'value system' are you referring to? I'm actually quite disappointed that you're giving up your corner so easily. Your principles are not mine, but at least, stand up for them, anyway. (Scruples are another matter entirely....) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Canuk princess What is this about everybody judging you. Everybody has a believe system of their own and how they expect their lives should be. I am wondering have you ever been a wife? I am kinda wondering if you are judging us. LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 All I read was Blau Blau Blau That's Inuit Canadian, isn't it? I haven't learnt that. I'll get reading right away! Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I'm glad you've never had to be in our shoes as a bs or ow. So why are you here judging others when you have flipping clue what we are all going through. Do you not have anything better to do with your sorry little life but judge others. Did you have a problem with some particular post? Which post or posts make you feel judged? You seem to be upset about the joke about best friends, sisters, daughters and mothers in Europe. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Is this thread degenerating or am I just not sufficiently multilingual? Maybe we ran out of justifications?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I'm glad you've never had to be in our shoes as a bs or ow. No. I've chosen deliberately never to be. There's a difference. we all have the power of choice. I chose differently to you. That's it and all of it. So why are you here judging others when you have flipping clue what we are all going through. As a former relationships counsellor, I met many, many people from all walks of life, and I'm not judging people. I'm judging their choices. Do you not have anything better to do with your sorry little life but judge others. Are you doing something which others might be in a position to judge? maybe if you stopped doing it, then you wouldn't feel so 'judged'. And no. I - am not judging. I would happily share a day's shopping with you, go out for a meal with you and have a good time. But that would not make me be happy for you in your choices. And I don't see why you feel you can judge someone like me - who chooses to not put herself in that position - when others do. Why do people think I have a 'sorry little life' when I'm not the one having to justify or defend anything? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Canuk princess What is this about everybody judging you. Everybody has a believe system of their own and how they expect their lives should be. I am wondering have you ever been a wife? I am kinda wondering if you are judging us. LOL Yes I was a wife, I have been happily divorced for 5 glorious years. No I'm not judging you, I do feel bad for the pain I cause my mm's bs, but the harsh reality is two woman are hurting because two woman are in love with the same man. I certainly didn't mean to fall in love with a mm as I'm sure he didn't mean to far in love with a mw but he did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Tara you are too funny im laughing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Bolded is why. Having a discussion with you is meaningless since we don't share a value system. From your point of view I am doing something wrong and there is nothing I can say that will change that. From my point of view I am not doing anything wrong and there is nothing you can say that will change that. So no point in discussing any further. Actually no point in discussing anything with you to begin with. This is an internet forum that is meant to provoke debate and discussion from people of differing value systems, backgrounds, opinions, points of view, and mind sets. If you're looking for full support of everything you do and say, you're in the wrong place. And it's not just you, that goes for everybody. If you go to an internet forum with people from around the world and you put yourself out there, you should expect to be judged whether you're a saint or a sinner. That's the whole point of putting our stories out there..so that we can get entirely new perspectives on them. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Great I think we are starting to relate and have fun with it.I was getting sweaty and wanted to cry. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Is this thread degenerating or am I just not sufficiently multilingual? Maybe we ran out of justifications?? I can do this in French or Italian, you know. Hell, i can even go to Sign Language. That is harder to understand though. see what I'm signing now? told you it was harder...... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Great I think we are starting to relate and have fun with it.I was getting sweaty and wanted to cry. eugh! Damp all over! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 To all OWs, BSs, or independent bystanders - as we debate it out, most men are not thinking one bit about us women unless they are hungry, want sex, think we might leave, or think our life is in danger, and I'm also talking about men who don't even cheat. As we debate, they are relaxing somewhere without a worry in the world, watching sports or something. I say we all go do something really nice for ourselves within the next 48 hours. If it's a day at the spa you like, indulge. If it's a bottle of quality wine, sip. If it's a girls night out, party. Whatever it is, let's forget about the drama men stir up and then point at us accusing us of being drama queens! Let's celebrate who we are, amazing and intelligent women. We don't need a man, we chose a man! Sorry for the interruption. I just had to say that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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