Being the OW

[woinlove]

Please let's not run the risk of having this thread closed. Let's be kind to each other!!!

 

Or how about just being civil with each other and leaving the nasty digs out? That would be an improvement.

[AnotherRound]

Interesting, none of these kind of things factored in for me at all. But then again, being the OW is not against my moral system as it is yours. Maybe because of that you had a real need to justify to yourself what you were doing?

 

I think this is the ticket. There are some people who believe that their moral code is THE only moral code, and that it is 100% correct, and that there is no room in life or morals for any gray areas at all. They tend to live a life that has to be very defined - lines in the sand kind of thing. On one side is right, on the other side is wrong. And, not only do they live by this, but they expect everyone else to live by their rules too. Some of it, imo, stems from religion, and especially here in the US, where the majority has always been (won't be forever though) christian based. So, the majority is convinced that because they have had might, that they are right. And, then the proceed to force these rules on everyone else. IE abortion issues in govt (where it has NO place), marriage issues in govt (again, where it has no place)... bc they want/need their morality to be followed by everyone, so that they can navigate a less scary world. One where they can KNOW things absolutely.

 

In reality, there are very few absolutes - besides death and taxes (and even taxes are debatable for some! lol). But some people just cannot see this. OR, they refuse to admit it bc it is scary to know that there is not some absolute multiple choice answer to every issue in life. They NEED someone to tell them what is right and wrong so that they can toe the line, and KNOW that they are going to heaven, or are a good person, or whatever.

 

Some other people just don't need these things to know that they are a good person. I have never believed that if there is a god that he cares if I eat red meat on Fridays or not, or if I sleep with men or women, or if I use birth control or not. All of that seems to silly to me, and harkens back to a time when people had so little understanding of the world around them that the NEEDED guidance, someone to tell them what was right and wrong, how to live to be a good person. (No, I'm not saying that ALL religious people are this way, I'm simply saying religion is at the root of a lot of this morality is solid and black/white crap).

 

I would not feel comfortable being the OW to a MM who was deceiving his wife. That is MY boundary, my dealbreaker. If others don't have that dealbreaker or that boundary, I don't judge them, or expect them to come to my way of thinking. I live and let live, they will meet their judgment one day, or maybe not (if there is no after life). But, it's not my job, or my desire, to make that call, or to fascistly force them to MY standards. I know that there are people that are absolutely convinced that they have the right answers, that they know what is "right" and "wrong", but I KNOW that they don't - because nobody can. Because every single situation is different, and has so many variables to consider, that each case would have to be handled on a case by case basis. And even then, who gets to decide? All of those rules are just there to make some people feel better about themselves, as they need external validation to be convinced that they are "good" people. And often, they use this to convince themselves that they are "better" people than others. Eh, whatever, lol.

 

So, I don't justify, bc if there is a god, I haven't met him, and he hasn't asked me to. Justify myself to another human? Why would I? Who are they? Just another human - faulted and flawed and imperfect, just like me. If they feel better by convincing themselves that I'm a "worse" person than they are, whatever, I let them have that - since they seem to need it so badly. It's not something I've ever needed, as I don't concern myself too much with what other people are doing, as I have no right to judge them or try to force them to live their lives according to my rules.

 

I try to understand everyone, and where they are coming from, and why the do the things they do. And I've found, there are very few people in this world who wake up every day and make it their goal to hurt others. Does it happen? Yep - bc we are all human, we all make bad decisions, and inevitably, we ALL hurt others at some point in our lives, and mostly unintentionally bc we are struggling ourselves trying to figure out the "right" thing to do in a multitude of situations. It happens. I'm not going to lynch someone bc they hurt me, it happens. And I'm certainly not going to climb onto my high horse and preach down to them - bc I know, I am no better (or worse) than they are.

 

Like I said, I don't listen to the judgment of the crazy guy on the street corner as I walk by and he tries to tell me about my sins, lol... I ignore him, bc he obviously isn't going to get it, and as much as he wants to force his crap onto me, I will not sink to doing the same by trying to force my beliefs or values on him. Let him have his superiority, it makes him feel better - and it doesn't hurt me at all. I just turn up my headphones and carry on with my life... I even smile and wave at him sometimes... lol. Whatever. On these forums you can't turn up the sounds of the Beatles on your headphones, but you can certainly put the "crazy street preachers" on ignore and carry on - No sense listening to it, as it is obvious that they cannot see outside of their own blinders. Let them have it - they need it so badly, that feeling superior. I don't sweat it at all... you shouldn't either.

[AnotherRound]

Please let's not run the risk of having this thread closed. Let's be kind to each other!!!

 

Who's being unkind????

[trinity1]

When resources are scarce (in this case compatible men) we will not care about mundane things such as someone else's marriage vows. That is basic survival instinct.

[Sauron]

Really. Can you provide more than a general statement with no detail backing it up? The original poster loves her MM man, he loves her as well, and he loves his wife. It appears that Bailey is happy with this arrangment today andher MM is happy. I would say that we have 2 humans that find much satisfaction in THEIR realtionship together. Perhaps one day, it will evolve into something else, but it seems like everyone is satisfied, oh except the group here. I wish Bailey much happiness in her situation.

 

Sauron, you are a bold individual. Your posts make me laugh, they make me cringe, they make me smile. You are unapologetically candid and I sooo appreciate that. This post sums it up beautifully. There was a time during this affair that I was terribly unhappy but, then I experienced a terrible tragedy. I watched my beautiful, 50 year old sister die 38 days after she was diagnosed with metastatic ocular melanoma to the liver. Today I rejoice in anyone or anything that brings me joy. My MM loves me and I love him. The time we spend together is exquisite and as I have quoted before....."I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." He is my 30 minutes of wonderful!

 

I am sorry for your loss Bailey and I really understand your point. Quite honestly I admit that at my age, plus 50, I want that satisfaction as well. I am no saint, but I am not a religous man either, and I believe that we have this life only, in a perfct world we find our true love and settle down for the duration and everybody is happy with no problems, but this is not a perfect world and it is filled with irony. Good luck to you.

[AnotherRound]

When resources are scarce (in this case compatible men) we will not care about mundane things such as someone else's marriage vows. That is basic survival instinct.

 

I would add the caveat that I wouldn't care about someone elses marriage vows ANY MORE than they did. I'm not sure why someone outside of the marriage would be expected to value those vows more than the 2 people IN the marriage do - that's an odd thought to me.

 

I guess that in some situations, there are OWs who "lure" the men away, or target MM or whatever - but honestly? If someone is able to be "lured" away, then they are the one not honoring those vows. And imo, if they can be "lured" away, then it wasn't that strong of a marriage in the first place.

 

This is why alienation of affection laws have been dropped in almost all states of the US. It's ludicrous. You do not own a spouse, and saying that someone "stole" them or "stole" their love away is ridiculous. And someone else said this elsewhere here, and it's so true - you cannot promise LOVE forever. You cannot predict how you will feel 20, 40, 0r 60 years from now. It's impossible. You can promise to try, you can promise to "stay no matter what" - but you cannot promise that you will love that person the same, or more, or even at all down the road. And if they fall in love with someone else, well - that's life.

 

My exH fell in love with his OW, and yes, it hurt. But it wasn't the end of the world. And why would I want to be with someone that was in love with someone else? That's insane to me - to try to save a relationship based on anything besides love. Isn't that the whole point? To find a mate that you love and be with them? If it's not, then why don't we do arranged marriages anymore? To me, the whole marriage thing is a train wreck and needs to be completely revamped. It just does NOT work in our current society, hence a divorce rate that is epic.

[woinlove]

I would add the caveat that I wouldn't care about someone elses marriage vows ANY MORE than they did. I'm not sure why someone outside of the marriage would be expected to value those vows more than the 2 people IN the marriage do - that's an odd thought to me.

 

 

I really see this differently. First, I think if someone is having an A that they are keeping secret from their spouse, they obviously do care about their M. They may not care about honesty, loyalty or faithfulness, but if they didn't care so much about their M they would either divorce or not bother trying to make their spouse think they were faithful.

 

Second, each person has to decide for themselves how they want to behave and treat others. The M is not a person, but the two people in it are. Do you want to be dishonest, do you want to encourage or participate in dishonesty in someone you care about, do you want to participate in deceiving another person. Some have said they are fine with all the above, including deceiving their best friend, maybe their close relatives too. If so, behaving in this way does not cause them any problem. Others who value openness and honesty in themselves and those they love, will want to make different choices. I think that is what this is all about.

 

What kind of person do you want to be, what values do you hold, and how do you want to treat others. For those who value honesty and like to live by the golden rule, an A is going to be a problem for them. If you view life as each person for themselves, screw the golden rule and honesty, then obviously having affairs is no problem. Many are more like the former, but behave like the latter, and those are the ones I would urge to examine themselves. The ones who think screw you, I only care about my own needs, there is really not much to examine and I'd leave them to themselves.

[Bailey14]

Sauron, I am 61.......finding joy becomes more and more important as I age.

I like the idea of an afterlife but, I am not counting on it and so I grab all the love I can!!!

[Summer Breeze]

Or how about just being civil with each other and leaving the nasty digs out? That would be an improvement.

 

And that would include some of what has been said throughout this thread, not just this morning IMO

[AnotherRound]

I really see this differently. First, I think if someone is having an A that they are keeping secret from their spouse, they obviously do care about their M. They may not care about honesty, loyalty or faithfulness, but if they didn't care so much about their M they would either divorce or not bother trying to make their spouse think they were faithful.

 

Second, each person has to decide for themselves how they want to behave and treat others. The M is not a person, but the two people in it are. Do you want to be dishonest, do you want to encourage or participate in dishonesty in someone you care about, do you want to participate in deceiving another person. Some have said they are fine with all the above, including deceiving their best friend, maybe their close relatives too. If so, behaving in this way does not cause them any problem. Others who value openness and honesty in themselves and those they love, will want to make different choices. I think that is what this is all about.

 

What kind of person do you want to be, what values do you hold, and how do you want to treat others. For those who value honesty and like to live by the golden rule, an A is going to be a problem for them. If you view life as each person for themselves, screw the golden rule and honesty, then obviously having affairs is no problem. Many are more like the former, but behave like the latter, and those are the ones I would urge to examine themselves. The ones who think screw you, I only care about my own needs, there is really not much to examine and I'd leave them to themselves.

 

I agree, in As where there is deceit. I would not participate in that sort of thing.

 

But I think caring about the marriage can mean a LOT of different things. Some people care about the children, having the children have 2 parents in the home, keeping the assets that they have worked long and hard for, some couples have businesses together, etc. Caring about the marriage bc both people are so entangled in it is understandable. But having to stay in a celibate or emotionally dead relationship to keep the things that you have earned, and have just as much right to as the other spouse, is simply not fair.

 

I know it's not the case with all As, but in some (including the one I was involved in as the OW) the spouse was 100% aware that the MM was having a relationship outside of the marriage. She sanctioned it by her avoidance and silence and refusal to communicate or participate LONG before I came along. So, in my case, nobody was being deceived, and she had turned the marriage into a situation that exMM had NOT agreed to. He didn't want the marriage to her - but he did want the marriage for his child, for his assets, for all of the things that he had built for 20+ years. Time can slip by quickly sometimes, and before you know it, everything is tangled up with the spouse - so disentangling yourself can be difficult and painful. And can certainly feel pretty damn unfair when you weren't the one who changed the rules in the first place.

[trinity1]

I didn't nor do I take all the blame. I own my part of it.

 

And that's where you and I differ. IMO the responsibility for being faithful to your spouse lies solely with the WS.

[trinity1]

You misunderstand me, it was not my responsibility to remain faithful, how could it be? I was not bound to his spouse. However.........my responsibility lies in the part of it, in that I contributed to her pain and I helped him be unfaithful.

 

It's 2 completely separate things, not just faithfulness.

 

I know you disagree but imo, an ow/om should not absolve themselves completely.

 

I'm not misunderstanding you, I'm disagreeing. IMO no responsibility lies on the OW/OM.

[j'adore]

It wasn't a joke! I'm not moving to Europe!

Great..........................................................!

[j'adore]

............................

 

 

 

Sauron, you are a bold individual. Your posts make me laugh, they make me cringe, they make me smile. You are unapologetically candid and I sooo appreciate that. This post sums it up beautifully. There was a time during this affair that I was terribly unhappy but, then I experienced a terrible tragedy. I watched my beautiful, 50 year old sister die 38 days after she was diagnosed with metastatic ocular melanoma to the liver. Today I rejoice in anyone or anything that brings me joy. My MM loves me and I love him. The time we spend together is exquisite and as I have quoted before....."I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." He is my 30 minutes of wonderful!

 

I agree too Sauron, can I join your harem LOL?

 

Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life. Aphra Behn.

[j'adore]

I'm always amazed at those who just happen to "fall inlove" and the comment about falling inlove before the A...I'm sorry but how is that possible? Falling inlove takes time, it takes persistent emotionally intimate interaction...it comes about by choices you make. It's not like the flu where love is in the air and you can simply catch it and fall for someone against your will....

 

To answer the originally question, I found out he was in a relationship after I'd already fallen in love with him. I justified staying with lots of reasons: I already love him, maybe he doesn't love her, well we're LD most times so it's not that bad, I'm not the one who has to lie and I don't have to sneak around so why not. But for the most part I took an approach of out of sight/discussion, out of mind. I simply ignored his status for a while until different things occurred that made it apparent I wasn't his one and only...and then those things caused more and more friction until dissolution. But for a good year and change I simply didn't think about it and the less I knew the better.[/quote

 

 

Agh right, finally I found someone who knows everything about how we fall in love.

 

But for the record I had met mm several times before I realised i was in love with him. Each time I met him it became stronger and we were not having an affair or even thinking it. I cannot justify the circumstances save to say that we were thrown together by our partners at the time.Looking back at some photos from get togethers, they should have known before we did.

[woinlove]

I agree, in As where there is deceit. I would not participate in that sort of thing.

 

But I think caring about the marriage can mean a LOT of different things. Some people care about the children, having the children have 2 parents in the home, keeping the assets that they have worked long and hard for, some couples have businesses together, etc. Caring about the marriage bc both people are so entangled in it is understandable. But having to stay in a celibate or emotionally dead relationship to keep the things that you have earned, and have just as much right to as the other spouse, is simply not fair.

 

I know it's not the case with all As, but in some (including the one I was involved in as the OW) the spouse was 100% aware that the MM was having a relationship outside of the marriage. She sanctioned it by her avoidance and silence and refusal to communicate or participate LONG before I came along. So, in my case, nobody was being deceived, and she had turned the marriage into a situation that exMM had NOT agreed to. He didn't want the marriage to her - but he did want the marriage for his child, for his assets, for all of the things that he had built for 20+ years. Time can slip by quickly sometimes, and before you know it, everything is tangled up with the spouse - so disentangling yourself can be difficult and painful. And can certainly feel pretty damn unfair when you weren't the one who changed the rules in the first place.

 

All my statements are where there is a M and there is an A, OW/OM, WS, BS - the potential for a d-day.

 

No deceit, no BS, then there's no A and I have no problem. That is not a very typical case, and one that would be more appropriate in an open M forum, whether or not they call it an open M, whether or not both are happy, etc. Here on LS, it has been discussed that there is no forum for open M and we're told that kind of stuff fits under the marriage forum or under general R.

[woinlove]

Just to add, IMO, it gets confusing to try to discuss some type of open M where everyone involved knows about the new M arrangement, whether they are happy or not, they know, and to mix up a discussion of that with situations that involve OW/OM,WS,BS and an A.

 

Of course situations where the BS does not know, and the WS is just saying she must know, she should know, or I think she might know, in order to make themselves feel better about themselves and think they are not deceitful, but the reality is the BS doesn't know and d-day would come with shock as the BS discovers the truth, then those cases should be discussed as an A, with an OW/OM and BS and with lies and deception involved.

 

Another Round, I notice on quite a few threads about affairs you want to discuss situations where there is no BS and everyone knows. Maybe best to confine this to threads on that topic, as it doesn't directly address the topics being discussed. here the topic is does one or how can one justify an A, that is justify the deception and betryal involved in an A.

Edited September 23, 2012 by woinlove

[AnotherRound]

All my statements are where there is a M and there is an A, OW/OM, WS, BS - the potential for a d-day.

 

No deceit, no BS, then there's no A and I have no problem. That is not a very typical case, and one that would be more appropriate in an open M forum, whether or not they call it an open M, whether or not both are happy, etc. Here on LS, it has been discussed that there is no forum for open M and we're told that kind of stuff fits under the marriage forum or under general R.

 

Oh, I wasn't aware that it had a designated area on the forums, I apologize. I have always identified it as an A, so this is where I ended up. I understand it's not typical, but hadn't been directed by a moderator to move it to the marriage forum or the general forum. I guess bc we did have to keep it on the DL for some reasons (his child and so as not to throw it in the wife's face), that I identified more here.

 

Sorry if I muddled the thread up, I keep doing that with my situational experience, and not meaning to. Just identifying what I had as an A, and then trying to point out that not all As are deceitful.

 

I will see if it fits better elsewhere, thanks for the guidance...

[AnotherRound]

Just to add, IMO, it gets confusing to try to discuss some type of open M where everyone involved knows about the new M arrangement, whether they are happy or not, they know, and to mix up a discussion of that with situations that involve OW/OM,WS,BS and an A.

 

Of course situations where the BS does not know, and the WS is just saying she must know, she should know, or I think she might know, in order to make themselves feel better about themselves and think they are not deceitful, but the reality is the BS doesn't know and d-day would come with shock as the BS discovers the truth, then those cases should be discussed as an A, with an OW/OM and BS and with lies and deception involved.

 

Another Round, I notice on quite a few threads about affairs you want to discuss situations where there is no BS and everyone knows. Maybe best to confine this to threads on that topic, as it doesn't directly address the topics being discussed. here the topic is does one or how can one justify an A, that is justify the deception and betryal involved in an A.

 

Fair enough. But there has been some discussion here about whether or not what I was involved in was an A - some say yes, others say no. I'm not sure. I always identified it as an A, as exMM WAS married throughout, and it was a relationship outside of that marriage. And, honestly, I never knew how the stbxw felt, bc she never talked about it to him or to me. So, I'm just mostly guessing there that she wasn't happy with it, or whatever.

 

So, I'm not trying to muddle it up, but when someone says affair, I identify with that, bc that is what I considered it - just without the deceit. And there wasn't going to be a Dday, bc everyone knew - but it still seemed like an affair to me.

 

So, I try to place my threads appropriately, but it is my understanding that I am free to respond to any threads. Even if my situation is slightly different, I think that it's okay if I respond. The question was, how did/do you justify your A. I feel that I was involved in an affair, and responsded. My situation is just slightly different, but I think it's still valid.

[woinlove]

Fair enough. But there has been some discussion here about whether or not what I was involved in was an A - some say yes, others say no. I'm not sure. I always identified it as an A, as exMM WAS married throughout, and it was a relationship outside of that marriage. And, honestly, I never knew how the stbxw felt, bc she never talked about it to him or to me. So, I'm just mostly guessing there that she wasn't happy with it, or whatever.

 

So, I'm not trying to muddle it up, but when someone says affair, I identify with that, bc that is what I considered it - just without the deceit. And there wasn't going to be a Dday, bc everyone knew - but it still seemed like an affair to me.

 

So, I try to place my threads appropriately, but it is my understanding that I am free to respond to any threads. Even if my situation is slightly different, I think that it's okay if I respond. The question was, how did/do you justify your A. I feel that I was involved in an affair, and responsded. My situation is just slightly different, but I think it's still valid.

 

If you never talked to the W, then chances are you did have an A and it was deceitful. It is quite common for WS to lie about the state of their M, about what their W knows and doesn't know. However, to the extent that you present it as a relationship where you KNOW there was no deception, then there is no BS and no WS. As I've mentioned before, not talking to the W, suggests to me that you really did not want to know for sure if there was deception and may prefer to just think there was no deception. That is not uncommon either. But it does not mean there was no deception. I am only referring to posts where you want to discuss a situation where there DEFINITELY is no deception and, hence, no BS, WS, AP.

 

For example, I know two single people who kept their R on the down-low because a family member disapproved. That did not make it an A and there was no BS, now WS, no AP. A BS, WS, AP implies deception and the potential for a d-day if the BS finds out the truth.

Edited September 23, 2012 by woinlove

[canuckprincess]

I thought the same thing. I've never heard of a counselor judging people in that way. If a client came in and said that they had an A, would they be told that an A is NEVER right? That's not a counselor's call... and I agree, the things she was saying were not striking me as counselor like.

 

He or she could be a snot nose kid for all we know lol. Aww the joys of the Internet.

[canuckprincess]

I would add the caveat that I wouldn't care about someone elses marriage vows ANY MORE than they did. I'm not sure why someone outside of the marriage would be expected to value those vows more than the 2 people IN the marriage do - that's an odd thought to me.

 

I guess that in some situations, there are OWs who "lure" the men away, or target MM or whatever - but honestly? If someone is able to be "lured" away, then they are the one not honoring those vows. And imo, if they can be "lured" away, then it wasn't that strong of a marriage in the first place.

 

This is why alienation of affection laws have been dropped in almost all states of the US. It's ludicrous. You do not own a spouse, and saying that someone "stole" them or "stole" their love away is ridiculous. And someone else said this elsewhere here, and it's so true - you cannot promise LOVE forever. You cannot predict how you will feel 20, 40, 0r 60 years from now. It's impossible. You can promise to try, you can promise to "stay no matter what" - but you cannot promise that you will love that person the same, or more, or even at all down the road. And if they fall in love with someone else, well - that's life.

 

My exH fell in love with his OW, and yes, it hurt. But it wasn't the end of the world. And why would I want to be with someone that was in love with someone else? That's insane to me - to try to save a relationship based on anything besides love. Isn't that the whole point? To find a mate that you love and be with them? If it's not, then why don't we do arranged marriages anymore? To me, the whole marriage thing is a train wreck and needs to be completely revamped. It just does NOT work in our current society, hence a divorce rate that is epic.[/quote

 

AR, I couldn't agree with you more. My favourite are the bs that say the mm never leaves for the ow, if that were true why is divorce rate so high. I know they don't always leave right away. In the beginning after dday they try to do damage control, then they second guess whether leaving and giving up half their stuff is worth it.

 

I like how a bs blames the ow most of the time. Bs in these forums often feel ownership over their WS well if he's yours and you own him then shouldn't you be taking some responsibility for his bad behaviours? But blame the ow, cause she chased after him. I've always said its easier to hate a stranger then to hate the stranger sleeping next to you.

[scatterd]

I have heard many talking about how the people that have high standards and choose to be faithful expect everyone to live to their standards. But it seems to me that the ones that are cheating are also pushing how their way is better also. I am one of those people that chooses for my self not to hurt others in the way I have been hurt and expect the person I am with to do the same to me.This is why before my husband and I got Married our values were talked about and also what we were to do if we fell out of love and etc. Our relationship was not about ownership at all. Anyway when all the things we agreed on before hand were broken such as promises and being truthful and so on of course I was irked and mad. Now when the MM makes promises to the OW and has their agreements when he does not follow through you get irked and mad also.With that being said when it comes down to it are we any different in what we expect. It does not matter if we have different believes cheating is about lies and breaking promises. That means the two people in love with the same person both get hurt. If two people that decided to get married would stick to their agreements and not bring a third party in their would be less hurt. I do not think its about living up to peoples standards. I think its about the lies and hurt that cheating brings. Either way we think is breaking promises right. I wish all of us could be inlove but not get there by hurting others. Baily I wish you the best.

[AnotherRound]

If you never talked to the W, then chances are you did have an A and it was deceitful. It is quite common for WS to lie about the state of their M, about what their W knows and doesn't know. However, to the extent that you present it as a relationship where you KNOW there was no deception, then there is no BS and no WS. As I've mentioned before, not talking to the W, suggests to me that you really did not want to know for sure if there was deception and may prefer to just think there was no deception. That is not uncommon either. But it does not mean there was no deception. I am only referring to posts where you want to discuss a situation where there DEFINITELY is no deception and, hence, no BS, WS, AP.

 

For example, I know two single people who kept their R on the down-low because a family member disapproved. That did not make it an A and there was no BS, now WS, no AP. A BS, WS, AP implies deception and the potential for a d-day if the BS finds out the truth.

d

 

Well, if you believe that there was deceit, then this is exactly where I belong, right?

 

Fwiw, I did try to talk to the stbxw - on the phone when she called me. I offered to be honest with her (early in the A) as I wasn't 100% sure that he had told her that he was actively pursuing another relationship outside the marriage. She hung up the phone. So it wasn't me that was avoiding the conversation at all, all her. She did call a few more times, and each time, I spoke to her - and she hung up. So again, I didn't avoid a thing, as that's not my style. Since it appeared that she knew, I didn't think that calling her and rubbing it in was appropriate. But I guess that's just me.

 

But again, if a moderator asks me not to post my input, then I won't. As, I'm not sure where I "belong". But you seem to be of the belief that exMM did not tell her and she was deceived, so, it may be relevant here.

[Bailey14]

Where in this thread does anyone proselytize for extramarital affairs? I specifically said that I know my relationship with another woman's husband is wrong. I am a flawed human being trying to reconcile my goodness with the choices I have made. In no way am I pushing my choices or my value system on anyone.