No affection/intimacy - no relationship.

[Throwinginthetowel]

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Gonna be a rant....

 

I've been with my boyfriend for six years, since we were both 22. We've been through everything. He is a great partner on paper - smart, funny, great businessman, great friend, etc. but when it comes to our relationship, we have become friends. Roommates. I have talked with him about this & struggled to talk to him about this for YEARS. We need intimacy, passion. We need to have a sex life, to have affection for one another. We need something that will differentiate us from being JUST FRIENDS.

 

When I met him I had just come off a two year relationship where the same thing took place. No attention, passion, intimacy, affection. I made the decision to leave him because we had become nothing more than friends. and now here I am in the SAME situation, again. My boyfriend swept me off my feet. Was so attentive and loving. Held my hand, cuddled with me, made every effort to be a wonderful boyfriend, giving the affection I needed (I was raised in a very affectionate home). I really do not ask for much. I am the most relaxed girlfriend/partner a guy could have. I am not jealous or controlling. We are very much a partnership. I just want some affection.

 

its been a constant battle for years. I tell him we need to have more sex, have some time to ourselves. he tells me hes just not affectionate, he doesnt need that stuff. I say Im going to leave if things dont change. they change for two weeks. Its a vicious cycle. Currently we havent had sex for about 2 months. He told me to stop bugging him about it so I did. Nothing. he hasnt made any attempt or shown any signs that he even NEEDS sex. I dont know how to FIX IT.

 

About 4 months ago I caught him having very inappropriate contact with an ex that has popped in and out of our lives since the beginning. I left him, went to my parents house on the other side of the state. Here I was making every effort to be physical and loving. I talked to him as much as I could, tried to keep communication open. and he couldnt do that with me, but had no problem sending texts and pictures to an ex. No thanks. Not fair. I came back after a week. Got the whole story of "things will change". I explained I cannot stay with someone like this, someone who with holds every emotion from their partner. but I stayed, because I really felt things could get better if he just put in effort.

 

 

& really, why am I sticking around? When we had the incident 4 months ago I was told things would change. Nothing has changed. I try to be affectionate, he pushes me away. I try to have sex, which is normal, he tells me no. I try to hold hands, he says Im too needy. I cant win. I dont know how to get what I want, which again, I dont think is too much! How much effort does it take to give a hug or a kiss? Why is that so hard? Especially if you know thats all it takes to make your girlfriend happy?

 

 

Should I leave? Is this a lost cause? Is it fair to leave someone for lack of affection/attention? I feel like crap about myself. My self esteem is incredibly low because my own boyfriend treats me like Im not a girlfriend or special at all, I feel like I could be anybody. I feel like just a friend.

Edited September 22, 2012 by Throwinginthetowel

[prissy459]

Sorry You are going through this! Was your boyfriend very affectionate when you all first got together? how long did it last? If he wanted all of this in the beginning of the relatoinship, but not now, and is doing things with ex's, then i think he may just be bored with you, or just with you for the companionship and not the relationship stuff. I know you must be devistated, in most cases its the man wanting the sex and stuff and the woman pushing away. This just sounds very odd, like maybe he is seeing someone else on the side?? and thats why he is pushing you away.Girl if you aren't married to him, get out! I know it is probibly harder for you if you love him, but i dont see him changing or things getting better Good luck!

[TiredFamilyGuy]

ThrowingIn,

 

It is very hard to leave a relationship when you have invested so much time and effort. But you already know the signs are not good: you don't get affection; he still is in context with his ex; he doesn't even want sex forchrissakes. And so on. So you are into him, but by the available facts, he's not into you - or at least not much and certainly not enough.

 

Not to say that he's a bad guy, but you are apparently hoping that if you stick around enough and act like a doormat (i.e. not follow through on leaving) that he will discover that he is fully committed to you. I have an intuition, this will not happen. It is even *less* likely if you stick around. Leave, get an independent life, don't contact him with your neediness, and it might trigger something in him. Or not. But right now you are wasting your mate-hunting years.

 

He may tick a lot of boxes and make someone a good match someday. Maybe he will have to grow to get there. But he's not growing now, and no consequences for current actions, means no reason for him to change.

 

If you want to make a last try, ask him: what changed after the initial "attentive and loving" phase? Sounds like you might not get much of an answer, and that may be because the the answer is "it wore off and there was nothing underneath".

 

You are evidently a warm affectionate and loving person, there are guys out there who really do love that, and not just counterfeit it to trap chicks: go find one.

[Scarlett5]

I think the main reasons you're staying with him are the length of time you've been together, the amount of things you have been through, the fact that you love him and are attached to him, the fact he ticks a lot of boxes for you, and the fact that you have had more happy and affectionate times that you want and are trying to recreate.

 

But, you really have tried. You've voiced your concerns and you have been honest, and not only is there no improvement, but he his sexting his ex and hurtfully rejecting you. That is not how you should treat someone you love, respect and care for.

 

I think you may have exhausted all of your options here, and your only one left is to make the break. It won't be easy at first, far from it, but eventually it will become a huge relief, especially as you build your self esteem back up.

 

If it's meant to be, that will become apparent when you have time apart.

 

He is taking you for granted - you deserve better. Good luck.

[Minka333]

What's good on paper doesn't mean it's worth chasing after.

 

You have done your part. You've exhausted enough effort to reach out. But he seems so callous that he can't even provide your basic needs. What more the bigger things in life? Giving affection/intimacy to the one you love shouldn't even be a struggle at all..no matter how long you have been together. It is natural and given.

 

You need to step back and and let him *be the one to take the initiative. Stop letting him take you for granted. No one deserves to be neglected and you can do better than that. If he truly loves you, he will show it.

[AnotherRound]

I would say, if he's willing to work on it at all, give it a chance. BUT, he has to be actively working on it, and longer than a couple weeks. Right now, with him rejecting you like he is, he is not only tearing down your self esteem, but resentment is setting in the relationship - and that's a HARD thing to overcome later (look at LT marriages/relationships that end in divorce, and a lot of times for this very reason, no connection).

 

He probably is a "good" guy, and looks good on paper... but he doesn't seem like the guy for you. If he's not going through something medical or emotionally and doesn't have any desire to be intimate with you - I'm not sure how much of a relationship is really there. I know it's not always going to be the honeymoon phase, but having zero interest in your partner intimately is a HUGE red flag.

 

Just be glad that you aren't married, with children, and finances and years and years of being combined - as learning it early is WAY better than figuring it out later and having to separate all that stuff.

[Quiet Storm]

I try to be affectionate, he pushes me away. I try to have sex, which is normal, he tells me no. I try to hold hands, he says Im too needy.

 

He is showing you who he is. It's up to you to believe him.

 

attentive and loving. Held my hand, cuddled with me, made every effort to be a wonderful boyfriend, giving the affection I needed

 

You need more than your BF is willing to offer. You two are not compatible.

 

Don't think of it as "I've been with him six years so I have to make this work" think of it as "I've spent six years of my life with him, and I will not waste another year being unfulfilled, disappointed and sexually frustrated."

 

You deserve better.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it fair to leave someone for lack of affection/attention?

 

 

Yes.

 

If you want a full-service relationship with attention, affection, romance, sexuality, intimacy, passion etc then it is stupid on your part not to leave.

[veryhappy]

Speaking from experience, and with double your time invested in my R, it will never become what you need. Having to insist will erode your self-esteem, you'll feel unwanted and undesirable, although you'll know you are not.

 

Do not invest more time, the younger you are , the best chances to finding somebody else ho doesn't have kids already and too much of a baggage.

 

I know where you are coming from, and it's a complete waste of time and libido. There are plenty of men who could match your needs.

[LadyGrey]

Yes it's a lost cause and you are wasting your time. Yes, you should leave.

 

Life is short, don't stay with someone who makes little effort and who makes you feels as if something is wrong with you, when it seems all you want is a loving, healthy relationship. It is damaging you, and will damage you more to stay.

 

He has shown you who he is.........believe him. He isn't who you need him to be and isn't inclined to change. Accept it.

 

It's time to go. Painful yes.......but it's for the best. You might be missing something that is soo much better and that will bring you true happiness. Break away so that you are open to it.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

. I came back after a week. Got the whole story of "things will change". I explained I cannot stay with someone like this, someone who with holds every emotion from their partner. but I stayed, because I really felt things could get better if he just put in effort.

 

 

When we had the incident 4 months ago I was told things would change. Nothing has changed.

 

 

 

 

Here is your #1, primary problem. You are living on the planet COULDA in constelation SHOULDA in the WOULDA galaxy. You are not living on Planet Earth here in reality. You are just going by what he is telling you and not paying attention to what he is doing.

 

Anyone can say anything that sounds good. Here I'll show you. If you come live with me I will have a limo service pick you up and take you to the airport where you will board my private jet and fly here to my private island in the caribean where you can live in my mansion. You can spend the day sunning yourself by the pool and my staff will give you pedicures, massages and facials during the day and I will hold your hand while we have candlelight dinners, share bubble baths and have endless hours of unbridled, sweaty passion every night. Doesn't that sound WONDERFULL!!

 

there, see how easy that was? I didn't even break a sweat saying that.

 

You are what you DO. Not what you SAY. Your BF is what he DOES. Not what he SAYS.

 

Is he doing what you want a BF to do????? Is he doing what you want a potential husband/father to do?????

 

Are YOU doing what what a person who wants to have a meaningfull, intimate, affectionate, passionate relationship does?????

 

This isn't about him. He is what he is. He has told you to your face that affection, passion and sexuality and not values of his. AND he has demonstrated that through his ACTIONS.

 

He has been honest with you and true onto himself. You are the one that is not congruent with who you are and what you want out of life. You cannot change him nor can you change his behaviors or his values. You can only control yourself and you can only influence your own life through your own actions.

 

Your action can either be to stay and live with who and what he is right here on Planet Earth. Or you can move on with your life and find someone who is a compatable match for you.

 

What won't happen is living on Planet COULDA SHOULDA WOULDA and him just morphing into some completely different creature out of thin air.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like crap about myself. My self esteem is incredibly low because my own boyfriend treats me like Im not a girlfriend or special at all,

 

 

Actually that is not true. That is NOT why you feel like crap and why your self esteem is low.

 

This is very important, please read very carefully clear to the end -

 

Self esteem does NOT come others (otherwise it would be called "others esteem") Self esteem comes from doing the right things and doing what it takes to make a better life for yourself.

 

Self esteem comes from making the right decisions and following through with actions and behaviors that benifit and improve your life.

 

Self esteem comes from doing things, even though they may be hard and painfull at the time, that benifit your life and put you in a better situation.

 

Self esteem comes from reaping the benifits of DOING things that make a positive impact in your life.

 

Your BF is NOT responsible for your high or low self esteem. He does not have the power or ability to effect it one way or another.

 

Your low self esteem comes from not taking the action required to get a boyfriend who provides what you want in a BF and for settling for one who clearly does not meet your wants and needs.

 

Your self esteem will go up when you do what it takes to get a boyfriend who does connect with you and with whom you do find satisfaction.

 

When that happens your improvement in your self esteem will not come from that guy but rather will come from the fact that you took the initiative and you did what was needed to get a better BF and a better relationship and then you reap the benifits from that.

 

That is how self esteem works.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Should I leave?

 

 

 

 

Leave what?

 

Sounds like he already left years ago.

[todreaminblue]

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Gonna be a rant....

 

I've been with my boyfriend for six years, since we were both 22. We've been through everything. He is a great partner on paper - smart, funny, great businessman, great friend, etc. but when it comes to our relationship, we have become friends. Roommates. I have talked with him about this & struggled to talk to him about this for YEARS. We need intimacy, passion. We need to have a sex life, to have affection for one another. We need something that will differentiate us from being JUST FRIENDS.

 

When I met him I had just come off a two year relationship where the same thing took place. No attention, passion, intimacy, affection. I made the decision to leave him because we had become nothing more than friends. and now here I am in the SAME situation, again. My boyfriend swept me off my feet. Was so attentive and loving. Held my hand, cuddled with me, made every effort to be a wonderful boyfriend, giving the affection I needed (I was raised in a very affectionate home). I really do not ask for much. I am the most relaxed girlfriend/partner a guy could have. I am not jealous or controlling. We are very much a partnership. I just want some affection.

 

its been a constant battle for years. I tell him we need to have more sex, have some time to ourselves. he tells me hes just not affectionate, he doesnt need that stuff. I say Im going to leave if things dont change. they change for two weeks. Its a vicious cycle. Currently we havent had sex for about 2 months. He told me to stop bugging him about it so I did. Nothing. he hasnt made any attempt or shown any signs that he even NEEDS sex. I dont know how to FIX IT.

 

About 4 months ago I caught him having very inappropriate contact with an ex that has popped in and out of our lives since the beginning. I left him, went to my parents house on the other side of the state. Here I was making every effort to be physical and loving. I talked to him as much as I could, tried to keep communication open. and he couldnt do that with me, but had no problem sending texts and pictures to an ex. No thanks. Not fair. I came back after a week. Got the whole story of "things will change". I explained I cannot stay with someone like this, someone who with holds every emotion from their partner. but I stayed, because I really felt things could get better if he just put in effort.

 

 

& really, why am I sticking around? When we had the incident 4 months ago I was told things would change. Nothing has changed. I try to be affectionate, he pushes me away. I try to have sex, which is normal, he tells me no. I try to hold hands, he says Im too needy. I cant win. I dont know how to get what I want, which again, I dont think is too much! How much effort does it take to give a hug or a kiss? Why is that so hard? Especially if you know thats all it takes to make your girlfriend happy?

 

 

Should I leave? Is this a lost cause? Is it fair to leave someone for lack of affection/attention? I feel like crap about myself. My self esteem is incredibly low because my own boyfriend treats me like Im not a girlfriend or special at all, I feel like I could be anybody. I feel like just a friend.

 

 

I became a sleeper cell waiting for the things to change in my relationship th emore i put up with the more i thought well i have already put up with this so i will cop that as well and still stuck around....i did it for my family to stay together......because i placed all my hope on family should be together always....through thick and thin........good and bad .....but....in saying that the bad outweighed the good there was no balance and i disappeared in the relationship all my heart and hope swallowed up by regret and disappointment...dont let it happen to you...its taken me a long time to almost be normal(dont know what normal is so im just who i always wanted to be)....do what you need to do to give it a shot get counseling talk to someone pray fro guidance and follow yoru heart dont be a sleeper cell with the disappointment doona wrapped around you....go find your self some silk sheets, remake your bed and find someone who knows how to lie in that bed with you and be what you need them to be ...if that is affectionate and loving so be it....dont go to sleep in the bed of regret....oh dear.....very flowerey...sorry...smilin.....i am feeling poetic..best wishes..deb............

[AnotherRound]

Actually that is not true. That is NOT why you feel like crap and why your self esteem is low.

 

This is very important, please read very carefully clear to the end -

 

Self esteem does NOT come others (otherwise it would be called "others esteem") Self esteem comes from doing the right things and doing what it takes to make a better life for yourself.

 

Self esteem comes from making the right decisions and following through with actions and behaviors that benifit and improve your life.

 

Self esteem comes from doing things, even though they may be hard and painfull at the time, that benifit your life and put you in a better situation.

 

Self esteem comes from reaping the benifits of DOING things that make a positive impact in your life.

 

Your BF is NOT responsible for your high or low self esteem. He does not have the power or ability to effect it one way or another.

 

Your low self esteem comes from not taking the action required to get a boyfriend who provides what you want in a BF and for settling for one who clearly does not meet your wants and needs.

 

Your self esteem will go up when you do what it takes to get a boyfriend who does connect with you and with whom you do find satisfaction.

 

When that happens your improvement in your self esteem will not come from that guy but rather will come from the fact that you took the initiative and you did what was needed to get a better BF and a better relationship and then you reap the benifits from that.

 

That is how self esteem works.

 

I would agree, except that there are many people who are externally validated. They are at the mercy of what those around them think of them, and perceive them as. I have noticed it a lot on these forums especially, and some IRL.

 

You are correct though that being internally focused for validation is MUCH healthier. That way you aren't just getting jostled around all the time by the waves and currents of others. But, this takes practice and patience to build up for a lot of people, they were taught or born to be externally focused for validation.

 

I like how you phrased it all. But it sounds to me like the OP is externally focused. And, at this moment in time, she is taking her cues from external sources. Any tips on how she can become internally focused so that she can improve this? (I'm interested in your responses as you seem to have a good grip on the self-esteem issue)

[oldshirt]

 

I like how you phrased it all. But it sounds to me like the OP is externally focused. And, at this moment in time, she is taking her cues from external sources. Any tips on how she can become internally focused so that she can improve this? (I'm interested in your responses as you seem to have a good grip on the self-esteem issue)

 

 

The problem is his lack of affection and sexuality is making her "feel" unloved and unappreciated. So she is basing her sense of self worth on how he makes her feel about herself. That's not really fair to him or to her.

 

He may actually love and appreciate her a lot (although all the contact and txting etc with his ex calls that into question) but she is interpretting his lack of affection and meaning that she is inadequate. He may not think she is inadequate at all.

 

The only thing I can really offer is people need to understand if they themselves are doing the right things and being a good partner and a contributing member of the relationship or not. If they are and they feel their parnter isn't living up to his/her end of the deal or if it just doesn't matter then they have done their job and the relationship is simply mismatched and not meant to be.

[veryhappy]

That internal validation stuff for sexual and affection withdrawal is a fluffy cloud from some phycobabble book (speaking of psycobabble).

 

When somebody who's supposed to build you up, rejects you over and over and over again, because of the intimate nature of the bond, there's no way of that not being destructive. It's like saying that somebody is hungry only because they choose to focus on feeling hungry. Guess what? The only way to stop being hungry is to eat, which involves very external food.

 

Human beings are not little lonely islands, fully functioning on their own in the middle of the ocean.

[AnotherRound]

That internal validation stuff for sexual and affection withdrawal is a fluffy cloud from some phycobabble book (speaking of psycobabble).

 

When somebody who's supposed to build you up, rejects you over and over and over again, because of the intimate nature of the bond, there's no way of that not being destructive. It's like saying that somebody is hungry only because they choose to focus on feeling hungry. Guess what? The only way to stop being hungry is to eat, which involves very external food.

 

Human beings are not little lonely islands, fully functioning on their own in the middle of the ocean.

 

I agree in that we thrive off of feedback from others. However, when one "needs" feedback from others to feel valuable or worthy - they are externally focused when it's unnecessary. Humans are perfectly capable of self soothing and of knowing their worth and value and not being at the mercy of the thoughts and judgments of others. Problem is, many of us are taught that validation HAS to come from outside sources.

 

I agree that we all need sexual intimacy and attraction. That's a need. However, attaching your value or worth to the fact that one person in this world can't/won't/doesn't provide that to you is being externally validation focused, and causes a drop in feelings of self worth that is unnecessary, unhealthy.

 

Having external validation SHOULD be a bonus to one's already secure feeling of worth and value. And one's self worth SHOULDN'T be tied into what others do or don't do, or think or don't think. That's the trick.

 

Yes, to be self actualized, to be the "best" person that we can be and be fulfilled, we need some external validation - as a boost. But it shouldn't be the base of our self perception at all. That base should be confident and strong, in that we KNOW we are worthy, valuable, and lovable - even if we never get outside validation of that - we just know it.

 

I hope I understood what you were saying (I think I did). I wouldn't discount something just bc it's psychology based - there is a LOT to the theory of validation and I didn't go into a lot of detail the first post, so I'm not sure if you are familiar with it - but hopefully, this cleared it up (if you aren't familiar, I was being overly simplistic about it originally, and apologize for that as it seems I presented it inaccurately by doing so).

[CarboniteCammy]

The logic that we should self sooth when we're constantly rejected by a partner is complete fallacy. I guess by your logic, if my husband were to tell me that I'm ugly and that he found me to be stupid, I should just look internally and know deep down that I'm beautiful and intelligent so that his words just bounce right off me.

 

he doesn't do that, by the way, just saying.

 

Following that logic through to the logical conclusion, should people stay then in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners? If you feel that all validation comes internally, how do you define a healthy relationship, since the health of it shouldn't matter if self esteem comes from with in?

 

Our emotions tell us when something isn't healthy and isn't right. if the OP feels neglected, unworthy and cast away, then that's probably what's happening. Otherwise,, there's no barometer to the relationship.

 

While love may be a romantic notion, it's proven that we form self esteem from our peers (not parents) as we grow up.

 

I'm not saying that relationships should always come up fluffy bunnies and cute kittens, but everyone should have emotional needs and expectations from a partner. If you say that you don't have emotional needs, then I'd say you have a bigger psychological problem then you give yourself credit for.

 

We all date to find a partner that fufills multiple needs and wants, otherwise if we DIDN'T need that, we'd all just be single.

 

Plus, every person on this board who is single seems totally miserable to me. I can't tell you how many whiny posts I see from lonley guys who can't get a girl. Where is that internal validation for those dudes? Why do they need a partner so badly?

 

If they need sex or affection, they coudl call an escort when they feel lonley. Yet they pine for a real partner.

 

I'd say the OP's boyfriend is getting his emotional and physical needs met elsewhere and thus she's shut out of the equation.

Edited October 4, 2012 by CarboniteCammy

[AnotherRound]

The logic that we should self sooth when we're constantly rejected by a partner is complete fallacy. I guess by your logic, if my husband were to tell me that I'm ugly and that he found me to be stupid, I should just look internally and know deep down that I'm beautiful and intelligent so that his words just bounce right off me.

 

he doesn't do that, by the way, just saying.

 

Following that logic through to the logical conclusion, should people stay then in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners? If you feel that all validation comes internally, how do you define a healthy relationship, since the health of it shouldn't matter if self esteem comes from with in?

 

Our emotions tell us when something isn't healthy and isn't right. if the OP feels neglected, unworthy and cast away, then that's probably what's happening. Otherwise,, there's no barometer to the relationship.

 

While love may be a romantic notion, it's proven that we form self esteem from our peers (not parents) as we grow up.

 

I'm not saying that relationships should always come up fluffy bunnies and cute kittens, but everyone should have emotional needs and expectations from a partner. If you say that you don't have emotional needs, then I'd say you have a bigger psychological problem then you give yourself credit for.

 

We all date to find a partner that fufills multiple needs and wants, otherwise if we DIDN'T need that, we'd all just be single.

 

Plus, every person on this board who is single seems totally miserable to me. I can't tell you how many whiny posts I see from lonley guys who can't get a girl. Where is that internal validation for those dudes? Why do they need a partner so badly?

 

If they need sex or affection, they coudl call an escort when they feel lonley. Yet they pine for a real partner.

 

I'd say the OP's boyfriend is getting his emotional and physical needs met elsewhere and thus she's shut out of the equation.

 

You completely misinterpreted (purposely?) what I said. If someone is telling you daily that you are ugly or not worthy, I would ask why you choose to stay in a relationship that doesn't add a single thing to your life? One that doesn't boost your self esteem and good feelings about yourself. One that doesn't support what you know about yourself - that you are lovable and worthy.

 

I never said that anyone should stay with someone that doesn't fill their needs. I have NEVER said that anywhere at any time. What I did say was that someone's entire self worth should NOT be based on what others think of them, or how others treat them. It's internal validation. The old saying, you have to love yourself first, and it's true. If you don't find yourself worthy or lovable, then you are going to be extremely sensitive to the perceptions of you by others. If you KNOW that you are lovable and worthy (internally validated), then you will know that when someone is abusive (calling you ugly) that it does NOT change your worth at all, it doesn't deplete your self esteem - it simply proves that they are abusive, nothing more.

 

Having a healthy self esteem comes from within, not from without. And when that is solid, other people can't convince you of things that you know not to be true, no matter how often they try to. You are also less likely to give into peer pressure, bc your base is solid and confident. If it's not, you are very vulnerable to the whims of others, and a lot of people are that way. I would hate to live like that, in that every time someone abused me that I lost value in my own eyes.

 

As for the bolded, the conversation can do without personal attacks, that was pretty unnecessary. I never said we didn't have emotional needs, I said quite the opposite. I said that emotional needs should not fulfill ALL of our self esteem, as that mostly has to come from us knowing ourselves and being confident in who and what we are and what we are worth and what we deserve. Anything from external sources should just be additional, an added bonus, a validation of what we ALREADY know about ourselves.

 

You obviously don't have to agree, but I obviously believe in this theory. I actually see it played out every day as our society is chock full of externally focused folks. I'm not going to argue the theory with you, I agree you don't, fine. But I would ask that you refrain from personally attacking me in the future simply because we disagree.

[veryhappy]

AR, I understand what you are saying. I *know* that I am attractive, and worthy and all that and knew it all along. It's not about that. I can know all that and still feel crushed by the rejection. It is unusual that the woman is the one complaining about the lack of sex, but all I've found about it sounds exactly like this poster. It can't be that all women in this situation are incapable of self soothing. It's not something to be fixed with self soothing.

[Throwinginthetowel]

Thanks for all the replies. I have read them all so I will try to address as much as I can.

 

As far as my self esteem goes, outside of the relationship I am a very confident, secure person. Its INSIDE MY HOME that is the killer. As other posters touched on, to have someone reject you over and over is going to do that to you, regardless how strong you want to be. The way your partner treats you reflects on how you feel about yourself, regardless if you know it is not true or it is not right, it affects a person.

 

 

I went out with girlfriends recently, came home a wee bit intoxicated and feeling frisky and was rejected. That was it - I snapped. I told him this is not how relationships work, that I could go to any bar right now and take someone home (probably not the best choice of words) & that he could live in a fantasy all he wanted but this was not normal and not OK. It ended with a slew of insults from me to him, and I went upstairs, slamming the door and effectively non-verbally letting him know NOT to come up.

 

 

The next day he confronted me and told me he was so sorry, that he does not know why he cannot be affectionate, but he was not raised with it and it is not natural. He said he knows he takes me for granted and he knows he's a jerk for doing so, but he doesn't know how to outwardly show his love to the degree that I want it (which is BS because I've told him, and it hasn't been an incredibly far fetched request). I told him he can A. get counseling for himself or B. realize that thats who he is, he's not going to ever be that guy and I can find someone who can meet my needs. I told him, for the umpteenth time, that pushing your partner away and consistently rejecting their need for love does nothing positive and I cant do it anymore. He vowed (again) to make changes, to try harder, etc. etc.

 

 

It's been about a week. We have not talked about that conversation, and although he has been 100% more affectionate and attentive (he holds my hand constantly, embraces me, gives me kisses hello and goodbye and in between), we have not had sex once (we are sleeping in the same bed). I know there has to be baby steps, but I am looking at apartments. This has happened so much I know that in a few weeks everything will probably go back to how he wants it, and my heart cant do it.

 

 

I cant say things wont turn around, but I truly believe he needs counseling for any serious change to take place and until that happens I am just letting things be consistently bad. The communication with the ex also left a huge mistrust and hurt in my heart that I havent been able to cope with and dont know if I even want to. Starting over might be easier.

Edited October 4, 2012 by Throwinginthetowel

[TaraMaiden]

 

As far as my self esteem goes, outside of the relationship I am a very confident, secure person. Its INSIDE MY HOME that is the killer.

Ok, take him out to your back yard - and dump him.

 

I'm serious. This is purely a psychological block you've put on yourself.

What's keeping you there is the hope of him being something he isn't. You love him because of what you wish he'd be like, and you're hoping for the best. But it's not going to work. If the "Everything I do, I do it for you" isn't his style of acting - then he won't wear the tights well, no matter how much you ask him to.

 

 

It's been about a week. We have not talked about that conversation, and although he has been 100% more affectionate and attentive (he holds my hand constantly, embraces me, gives me kisses hello and goodbye and in between), we have not had sex once (we are sleeping in the same bed).

And you're not going to have either, because he doesn't want to have sex with you.

That's not his interest, and i would think this effort is very nearly killing him too. You're hoping to engender a behaviour in him you want and need - but it's alien to him.

And going to IC and finding the source of the problem - will not be the cure to the problem. That may never happen, no matter how open and honest he is.

 

I know there has to be baby steps, but I am looking at apartments. This has happened so much I know that in a few weeks everything will probably go back to how he wants it, and my heart cant do it.

Think of the job you'd least like to ever do in the world. Now go do it.

Not going to work.... is it?

 

 

I cant say things wont turn around, but I truly believe he needs counseling for any serious change to take place and until that happens I am just letting things be consistently bad. The communication with the ex also left a huge mistrust and hurt in my heart that I havent been able to cope with and dont know if I even want to. Starting over might be easier.

You can't fix him. And if he's not 110% committed to changing himself - FOR HIMSELF - and not because he hopes by trying to change for a while, it will keep you there - then yes.

Tough as it is going to be, you'd be far better not 'settling'.

Compromise isn't always what it's cut out to be. In fact, someone very close to me stated that "Compromise is the road to ruin, because you're both agreeing to 50%of something, somewhere in the middle, rather than having what you'd really like.

And compromise, in this case, just looks like more of you settling for LESS than 50%.....