Girlfriend of 3 years, was to fiance, admitted cheating

[Somb]

Before you read, know that we were going to get married and move in soon, within in 3-5 years. We we're each other's first love.

 

After almost 3 years of being together, we we're eachothers firsts everything. Except first kiss (for her). We dated all throughout high school and first year of college is when it all happened.

 

After I accused her of cheating with hard evidence, she finally confessed. Saying she was in a low point in our relationship and it was fueled by a big rumor that was started about me saying I was cheating all the time basically. So many people said it and so many said it so often that she let it get to her and she started to believe it.

 

A year ago, She had sex with a guy, gave him head, kissed two other guys, and sent flirty txts to another guy.

 

She and I have always been adamant about not cheating, we stood on the same level and would never cheat.

 

It broke me to find out everything was true. I really wish I never knew at this point even though I asked for the truth. I broke up with her today after staying up all night thinking about how I can't forgive her. I wouldn't want to kiss her lips, knowing where they have been while we're together and don't want to be intimate after knowing how she cheated when I did nothing of the sort.

 

She said it wasn't for fun. She said she felt like she was getting even and she hates herself for it. She cried while having sex with the one guy. No excuse but I thought I'd mention that. She cried very often because she realized the mistakes she made and I realized that none of the rumors were true.

 

She said she wasn't going to let me propose to her first without telling me, she just didn't want to lose me and couldn't find the right time to tell me something like that.

 

She lied to me and acted fake about so many things when she was cheating behind my back and I defended her everytime someone said something. I stuck with her until the end. But then it was all true. I felt so demolished because I would've never expected this from her. She is the sweetest person you'll ever meet.

 

I broke it off with her saying I don't know if I'll ever forgive her and I just want to be alone. I don't even want to think about relationships.

 

She was sorry, I could tell, I know she'd never do it again, I could also tell, but the thing is, she did it. Regardless if she would never again.

 

How much is too much to forgive? How much is too much to try to go on with?

 

I intend to wait a very long time and see if I can ever forgive her for what she did to me. She is sorry. She regrets it every second. I told her I may never want to get back together. She said even if I needed 10 years before I could forgive her, she'd wait patiently for because I'm not holding her up, there's no one else she'd rather be with. I feel the same for her.

 

What should I do? My heart says continue with her, get married in a few years, life happily ever after. My mind says, even though she's remorseful, she ****ed you over one too many times. Leave her forever.

 

So for now, I choose the middle ground. Its over but there may be a possibility of me forgiving her in the future.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

 

On a side note, my step dad and mother broke up the same way. Everyone started talking rumors about my mom cheating although she was in the house everyday and I know she didnt, she never would. A few times through the relationship, I shared this story with my gf, fearing that the same may happen to us and I figured if she read the story, even though it seemed like she didnt believe the rumors, that if she did, the story may knock sense into her. I guess not.

Edited September 22, 2012 by Somb

[road]

The I thought you were cheating/I was told you were cheating first led me to cheat is standard WW lies.

 

Time to do dectective work.

 

Tell your GF that she must tell you who all the people where that said you were cheating on her. If she asks why just say that you need to know who your real friends are.

 

Then without letting GF know you quietly confront them to see if their story matches GF's story.

[utterer of lies]

The I thought you were cheating/I was told you were cheating first led me to cheat is standard WW lies.

 

Time to do dectective work.

 

Tell your GF that she must tell you who all the people where that said you were cheating on her. If she asks why just say that you need to know who your real friends are.

 

Then without letting GF know you quietly confront them to see if their story matches GF's story.

 

No.

 

He should get get over her.

 

She didn't have an affair or cheated once - it's deliberate and with multiple men. Who knows what she did that he doesn't know about.

 

Somb: No, she didn't cry during sex with the guy.

 

Grow up, wake up and never let her get close to you again.

[Chi townD]

Well, people know what there deal breakers are. And if she did this to "get even" with something she heard. What else is she capable of doing if she gets angry in the future.

 

Maybe one day you'll be able to forgive her as a person, but she crossed the line as a future wife.

 

Time to heal and move on. Thank your stars that you found out now rather than 5 years and two kids later.

[Michael Johnson]

This woman has told you she has engaged herself with more than one man, and probably had sex with all of the men she told you about, along with the high possibility that there's more men she's seen than she's told you about. She has shown you that when a petty issue comes up such as teenager gossip/hearsay, she'll sleep with other men without even handling herself like a mature adult, and confronting you face-to-face. She'll do the same thing or something even worse when the both of you are faced with a real struggle.

 

No point in being with her and knowing cheaters, she probably told you just so you can dump her so she can continue to see other guys. Stay strong and be cautious about anything this woman tells you. I think you should be eternally grateful that you do not have kids and years of marital baggage with this woman.

 

Take care.

[utterer of lies]

What's with people telling other people to "grow up"? I don't get it.

 

He believes in fairy tales in a situation where he shouldn't.

[sadguy82]

Bro seriously, She has only really been with you. Don't let 1 time that doesn't mean anything to her ruin what you guys have. Some girls just can't live with not knowing what it would be like to be with someone else. Sometimes they need that to realize that they don't want anyone else. I doubt she cried during the sex but I'm sure she wanted too after. She is telling you she is ready to be mature and faithful to you in marriage. She wouldn't marry you if she didn't think you were the one. Don't be so bitter and jealous that you can't forgive the love of your life for making a mistake especially one she regrets and told you about. She was just exploring her options before she ties herself down to a lifetime commitment.

[El Dudarino]

Let her go for now. You're both young and entitled to few mistakes. Finish college. Date other women. Start your career. If she's the one, she'll still be the one in five or ten years, and you'll both be very different people.

[CaptJay]

She was sorry, I could tell, I know she'd never do it again, I could also tell, but the thing is, she did it. Regardless if she would never again.

 

Unfortunately, you know that she'll never do it again as well as you knew something like this wouldn't happen in the first place.

[Futures]

I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. But you absolutely have to know that you will one day be on the other side of this. You will be happy again.

 

And it will be with a different woman. You will never understand why you even posted on these threads at this point. You will laugh. I promise. But you have to suck it up and get rid of this girl. This is just a post in a thread, but it needs to become your mantra. See the other side. The pain is normal. Do not be weak and return to someone that could have ever made you feel this way.

 

The other posters are correct. If she said she only slept with one, she probably f*cked all 3. I hate to use such strong language but I do it so that you are much more honest with yourself about the situation. This girl had the audacity to say she cried while she was f*cking some other guy? Was she crying while she was giving him head?

 

That is manipulative, pathetic behavior on the part of your ex-girlfriend. Be honest with yourself about the situation. You have been betrayed. You sound like an honest guy with a great heart. There are millions of beautiful women who would love to be with you. Get to know them. Have fun. Take some time to get over this, but know that you will.

 

Good luck man. Be strong.

[Somb]

Let her go for now. You're both young and entitled to few mistakes. Finish college. Date other women. Start your career. If she's the one, she'll still be the one in five or ten years, and you'll both be very different people.

 

I agree with this. This is great advice and has been really helpful. I plan on just being with no one for a while. To see what it feels like to just be single and not tied down to anyone. I want to be confident with myself. She also was really only my 2nd girlfriend. Things were always great and I had no complaints minus the cheating. I should explore what else is out there before returning to her in the mindset that I can forgive her and start up from 0 again. I've never let someone get so close to me before but honestly, I couldn't how quickly I was falling for her. I loved her so much. I was always good to her and always tried to find ways to make her feel special. Make her giggle or smile. It would make my day if I could just do that.

Bro seriously, She has only really been with you. Don't let 1 time that doesn't mean anything to her ruin what you guys have. Some girls just can't live with not knowing what it would be like to be with someone else. Sometimes they need that to realize that they don't want anyone else. I doubt she cried during the sex but I'm sure she wanted too after. She is telling you she is ready to be mature and faithful to you in marriage. She wouldn't marry you if she didn't think you were the one. Don't be so bitter and jealous that you can't forgive the love of your life for making a mistake especially one she regrets and told you about. She was just exploring her options before she ties herself down to a lifetime commitment.

 

I wanted to try to move on with her from this but I just found myself upset constantly. The pain was too much and the heartbreak was too. Whenever I hear people speak like this about a break up, I've always thought, "Oh grow up you're being over dramatic" but it really does feel how they describe it. It's the worst feeling I've ever felt. I would want nothing more for the people she cheated on me with to be erased off the face of the planet and for mine and everyone elses memory of it to be wiped so that we could move on but the fact is, even though she was the love of my life and we were meant to be together, get married, and live out the dream life, she derailed that future. I see myself possibly forgiving her far down the road (years), and I could also see myself possibly never forgiving her. I see the best thing to do now is to break it off and focus on me. I want to surround myself with the people that care about me and create lasting memories with my friends. I want to see what else is out there because I see this as a learning experience. I just don't know if I want to forgive her one day but feel its not right to give her another chance.

 

 

 

OP ignore this advice, this is what you call "being a doormat" & lacking testiculars.

I understand and I don't want to be her doormat. Another thing I should mention is that when I confronted her, at first she lied. She lied about it all, made up some excuse how it wasn't her that sent those messages on facebook. This went on for hours until I finally said, If there is any chance of us ever having something, I need to know the truth.

 

She didn't reply for an hour. Then said, Its true. I can't hide this anymore. Hate me. I deserve it. I hate myself. I did and said so many messed up things that I wish I could take back. I'm sorry.

 

Then she elaborated about exactly what she did and that just blew my mind. I felt like I was in such an emotional battle. The thing that gets me is, she could've lied about somethings and I would've never known. The people that brought the evidence to my attention would've never known if she made it something less severe. But she came clean with everything. Something that also doesn't tell me she ****ed the other ones was the friend she confided in had text messages to him from her number from a year ago saying how she had sex with the one guy and kissed the other two. Even though she may not have f*cked them, she still did unforgivable things.

 

 

I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. But you absolutely have to know that you will one day be on the other side of this. You will be happy again.

 

And it will be with a different woman. You will never understand why you even posted on these threads at this point. You will laugh. I promise. But you have to suck it up and get rid of this girl. This is just a post in a thread, but it needs to become your mantra. See the other side. The pain is normal. Do not be weak and return to someone that could have ever made you feel this way.

 

The other posters are correct. If she said she only slept with one, she probably f*cked all 3. I hate to use such strong language but I do it so that you are much more honest with yourself about the situation. This girl had the audacity to say she cried while she was f*cking some other guy? Was she crying while she was giving him head?

 

That is manipulative, pathetic behavior on the part of your ex-girlfriend. Be honest with yourself about the situation. You have been betrayed. You sound like an honest guy with a great heart. There are millions of beautiful women who would love to be with you. Get to know them. Have fun. Take some time to get over this, but know that you will.

 

Good luck man. Be strong.

 

Thank you so much. Your wise words have made me more certain of my decision to stay broken up with her. A reason I believe she may not have ****ed all three is because how I found out about one for sure was she was talking to a friend about it saying how they cuddled for about an hour then left. She never knew I would find this message because I had become friends with the friend she confided in. So I know for a fact she didn't **** one of them. The other guy, I have no idea. Quite possibly but she said she only pop kissed him once. I realize I have been giving her too much sympathy. Whether she fed into stupid gossipy **** or not, it could've been easily avoided and even if she has changed, she needs to pay and I need to be away from her. I want to see what the future holds. Who knows, in 5 years, things might work out better than ever between me and her. She understands that its over and potentially forever but she still wears the promise ring I gave her, and she said she still is always there for her if I ever want to talk to her. She tells me I love you, I don't say it back anymore. She understands what she's done but she will never understand the pain unless it happens to her. Part of me wants to get revenge.. I know that won't help anything though. Two wrongs don't make a right and I'm not that kind of guy.

 

 

On a side note, what is too much to forgive? Even with time?

Edited September 25, 2012 by Somb

[sadguy82]

OP ignore this advice, this is what you call "being a doormat" & lacking testiculars.

 

Not really, I could see if she was with the op for a few months then yeah she should be done with....But I have to reckon this couple is very young and have been together for a long time. She had ONLY been with him, How could she know for sure that he is the only one out there for her? She made a mistake and owned it. I'm sorry, but in situations like this calls for a second chance. 3rd and 4th chances are calls for being a doormat, and uh "lacking testiculars" is a joke!! Testosterone is not the solution to a problem. If you two basically grew up together look at this as a learning curve, a big mistake in human nature. She was proving to herself she can be independent and can do things on her own by herself for once in life. She slipped in the midst of confusion that young girls get before things get really serious in a first love relationship. They feel tied down and think they are missing out on life outside of the high school sweetheart thing.

[nofool4u]

So for now, I choose the middle ground. Its over but there may be a possibility of me forgiving her in the future.

 

DO NOT get back with this girl or you WILL regret it. She can't be trusted.

 

I mean, forgive her if you must, but leave her in the dust. Move on to better women.

[mark982]

if you forgive and take her back, she will see you as weak and will cheat on you again,take that from us who have been there...weather you realise it or not, you've been givin a gift from god use it wisely.

[B00ska]

Bro seriously, She has only really been with you. Don't let 1 time that doesn't mean anything to her ruin what you guys have. Some girls just can't live with not knowing what it would be like to be with someone else. Sometimes they need that to realize that they don't want anyone else. .

 

I agree that sometimes you have to go outside the box to realize what is in the box is really what matters. I know it hurts.. and I know it's betrayal to you.. but throwing people away that care is very hard to replace. Humans make mistakes. Smart humans grow and recognize that is what they did... made a mistake. It's likely she feels awful, and tormenting her will do nothing but hurt further. From experience I recognize that it is hard to stay and hard to go. Replacing someone who knows you is not an easy task. Consider the friendship with her first, and then the relationship second. If you have a strong friendship, it will carry you through the rough patches.

[Somb]

Okay, I'm having mixed answers.

 

I know what I do not want to do. Let her back in my life, even as a friend, right now at least. I feel she doesn't deserve that.

 

I feel what we have may be a once in a lifetime kind of connection but I can never look passed hows she's cheated on me, had sex with another person besides me, and had a level of intimacy with another person that before, only me and her shared.

 

Even though I may never come across someone like her, she did the worst things to me and its unforgivable, right now at least.

 

I am not getting back together with her. That's the fact. Now, whether I should make a friendship with her, which she already said, if I want to talk to her, she will always be there, then I think I might do that somewhere down the road, (Maybe a few months?).

 

As of right now, we've both decided its best if we didn't talk for a while because I just get so angry and upset when talking to her because it brings everything back like the day I found out so that's what is happening.

 

She is special to me and if I can ever get over this and forgive her, I feel we can be as happy as ever. But I don't want to even think about her anymore. I don't want to seem weak. And I don't want to become her doormat especially.

 

Right now we both have things to work out in our life, whether it be living situations or college. Fact of the matter this will give us time to get everything sorted out in life.

 

I love her to death and life would've been so great married and living with her if she never did this to me. Some of you say this calls for a 2nd chance but she cheated on me 3 times. One of those times she actually had sex and oral sex with someone. So I see those as her 2nd and 3rd chances.

 

I feel even though I'm so mad at her now and want nothing to do with her, if we were meant to be together, I will forgive her one day in the future and we will be together again but for right now, I can't even think of being with her.

 

Part of me doesn't want to delete the hundreds of pictures of us/her off my iPhone. I would've thought it would've been the first thing I did but I realized I've been avoiding it. Does that say anything? Or its just too soon to know?

[Somb]

Somb, you did the correct thing in not getting back. For now, you're going to need to keep her out of your life for a while until the pain subsides and you can look at the situation more clearly. I understand that she's very special to you. My ex still is to me. But each of us are young. Life pushes forward and we must move with it, lest we let the past engulf us and ruin what days are to come.

 

In the end, the fact that she cheated on you multiple times over petty rumors shows she is not wife material. You claim you knew she would never cheat again, but up until recently you "knew" she wold never cheat in the first place. Something to thank about as you let the emotions pass.

 

As to the pictures, buy a cheap thumb drive and put them on there, and put it away somewhere. Allow them to be out of your thoughts and view. That way if at some point in the future you do work out for the better, the picture are still there; or someday you'll come across it when you're far beyond her, remember what was stored there and throw it away without regret.

 

Wow Mina, I think this is the most helpful bit of information I've ever taken in. "Life pushes forward and we must move with it, lest we let the past engulf us and ruin what days are to come." , I love that, I'm going to have that printed up on something because those are truly amazing words of wisdom. Thank you so much for your advice Mina. It really affected my whole outlook on this situation, and even on life problems.

 

 

I'm getting rid of any trace of her, putting all the stuffed animals and small things I've kept from her, out of sight. I love her so much still and I wish I didn't because then, it wouldn't hurt me so much. I invested so much into that relationship to make it great.

 

I'm focused on college now and not letting anyone hold me back from my dreams. I am surrounding myself more with my friends because I've heard from multiple people that I should stay social and talk to my friends when something is bothering me. I realized I'm the most upset when I'm home in my room because my mind starts to wander.

 

No matter how much I miss her, I'm not going to let that cloud my judgement.

 

Is this over forever though is my next question? How will I know if she ever learned her lesson so to speak and that she would never do it again?

 

And If I feel enough time has passed for her to learn her lesson, and that I am able to forgive her, why would it be a bad idea to try to make a new future with her again? And I'm talking far off into the future before I even think about forgiving. Years.

[Somb]

Well I'm glad I helped so much. Now if I could follow my own advise.

 

In my opinion, yes it will most likely be over forever. In the time it takes you to forgive her, if ever, you'll both have become different people. You'll grow and learn more about yourself, and she will become a simple memory. In the end, if you've forgiven her, she'll be a different person from the girl you dated, and most likely, you both be out of college and apart from each other.

 

Go out and make the most of college. She won't be worth a second thought in a year from now.

Its going to be very hard especially how personality / attractive ratio wise, she was the best I can do. She is very pretty and extremely cool. I love her so much still. I know of people that have been broken up for decades and still love each other so that won't fade. She had the best personality out of anyone I've ever met. So funny, so cute, she liked video games and a lot of things I like. Lets just say if you met her in school before you knew her, you'd think she was a cheerleader, just based on her looks, she fit into that category but it was like she was pretty and didn't know it yet. Unfortunately with time, and I complimented her everyday, literally, at least once, just by habit of saying nice things, I guess she started to learn she was really attractive and could have guys and as the years passed, she got more attractive and started getting even more and more attention from other guys. It brought me a lot of competition but I really thought I didn't have to worry about it because I trusted her. I really wish she was just ugly throughout high school then one day, randomly got pretty because then there would be no temptation, which she obviously couldn't handle after the right people tempted her, and she could be past the phase of listening to gossip crap.

 

I still feel like she'd make a great wife. Maybe not to me though because of what happened but I feel what happened a year ago, doesn't show her true character. She is nothing like that and I don't want to give her any excuses because she should've listened to me or came to me about this and she didn't but I feel she has a good heart, especially today and if it's meant to be then in a few years, if the conditions are right, I believe we can still hit it off and see where things go from there.

[drifter777]

We never forget our first love, so you will remember the good times with her forever. Be careful not to torture yourself with feelings of love that you never had for her while you were together. It is a common thing to do that can keep people longing for something they never had in the first place.

 

Just start dating and enjoying the college girls and I guarantee that you will know that you did the right thing by ending it with her. You owe it to yourself to get out there and meet other girls and find out what life is really all about.

[Darren Steez]

Its going to be very hard especially how personality / attractive ratio wise, she was the best I can do. She is very pretty and extremely cool. I love her so much still. I know of people that have been broken up for decades and still love each other so that won't fade. She had the best personality out of anyone I've ever met. So funny, so cute, she liked video games and a lot of things I like. Lets just say if you met her in school before you knew her, you'd think she was a cheerleader, just based on her looks, she fit into that category but it was like she was pretty and didn't know it yet. Unfortunately with time, and I complimented her everyday, literally, at least once, just by habit of saying nice things, I guess she started to learn she was really attractive and could have guys and as the years passed, she got more attractive and started getting even more and more attention from other guys. It brought me a lot of competition but I really thought I didn't have to worry about it because I trusted her. I really wish she was just ugly throughout high school then one day, randomly got pretty because then there would be no temptation, which she obviously couldn't handle after the right people tempted her, and she could be past the phase of listening to gossip crap.

 

I still feel like she'd make a great wife. Maybe not to me though because of what happened but I feel what happened a year ago, doesn't show her true character. She is nothing like that and I don't want to give her any excuses because she should've listened to me or came to me about this and she didn't but I feel she has a good heart, especially today and if it's meant to be then in a few years, if the conditions are right, I believe we can still hit it off and see where things go from there.

 

You're trying to find justifications so you can get back with her in the future...she will make a great wife? When she put another man's penis in her mouth were you in her thoughts? When she ****ed another man were you in her thoughts?

In a few years? so you're going to wait for her? put your life on hold for her, date other people but because she's so good looking keep her in the picture while not giving the other person a fair chance to be part of your life? That relationship will be doomed from the start!!

Let her go..let her fly and be the girl she wants to be, and you be the guy who will learn to trust another girl who will trust you and give you her love 100%

 

She sucked another man's dick bro..

[Somb]

You're trying to find justifications so you can get back with her in the future...she will make a great wife? When she put another man's penis in her mouth were you in her thoughts? When she ****ed another man were you in her thoughts?

In a few years? so you're going to wait for her? put your life on hold for her, date other people but because she's so good looking keep her in the picture while not giving the other person a fair chance to be part of your life? That relationship will be doomed from the start!!

Let her go..let her fly and be the girl she wants to be, and you be the guy who will learn to trust another girl who will trust you and give you her love 100%

 

She sucked another man's dick bro..

 

Yeah, **** that. I don't want anything to with her. I would've never have done that to her. You're right, she doesn't deserve **** from me.

[Sazerac]

Okay, I'm having mixed answers.

 

I know what I do not want to do. Let her back in my life, even as a friend, right now at least. I feel she doesn't deserve that.

 

I feel what we have may be a once in a lifetime kind of connection but I can never look passed hows she's cheated on me, had sex with another person besides me, and had a level of intimacy with another person that before, only me and her shared.

 

Even though I may never come across someone like her, she did the worst things to me and its unforgivable, right now at least.

 

I hope, truly, that you don't - that you find someone far better than her rather than someone like her who would cheat on you and treat you in such an unconscionable manner. You didn't deserve that. You deserve far better.

 

I am not getting back together with her. That's the fact.

 

Good. Keep on that path.

 

Now, whether I should make a friendship with her, which she already said, if I want to talk to her, she will always be there, then I think I might do that somewhere down the road, (Maybe a few months?).

 

Would a true friend do to you what she did? To be perfectly crude, with friends like that, who needs an enema?

 

You are doing the correct thing. Maintain NC and go forward with your life. The best thing about it now is that she is no longer a part of it. When you come to realize that, you will be back to where you need to be.

 

I wish you the best.

[Sazerac]

Its going to be very hard especially how personality / attractive ratio wise, she was the best I can do.

 

Also this: don't sell yourself short. She is nowhere near the best you can do, unless your "best" is being with a cheating, lying person.

[Minka333]

Reading your post, you struck me as a young man wise beyond his years.*

 

Your determination to focus on your future plans, your inner strength despite the pain, your firm conviction to stand on your moral grounds, your ability to think logically despite the emotional cloud..*

 

Is truly admirable...

 

You are doing the right thing. It is best to heal separately. You are showing her that you are a man worthy of respect. You are not allowing her to step on your dignity again. She needs to realize the gravity of her mistakes.

 

I have been in her place before. I broke the heart of somebody i once loved. I thought i could get away with it. Where other men would gladly take me back, this one didn't..and it jolted me! I regret what i did but sadly, i had to pay the price. He increased value in my eyes. He earned my deepest respect. And i will never forget him.

 

Events like these often changes one's perspective forever. Her actions proved she isn't ready for commitment. Let her stumble, fall, learn, grow..it is part of her journey, part of all the life leasons she has to learn.*

 

Only time can tell if the two of you are meant to be. But for the time being, just try to soar high no matter how heavy your wings are..you still have the ability to fly.

[bob the brave]

I'm proud of you bro. Your the real deal. You did the right thing.

 

Three guys! All those excuses can't hide the fact that she didn't respect you. If she really thought you were cheating and cared, she would have been mad as **** and confronted you. Instead she uses revenge as a lame excuse for straying.

 

Don't be suckered by her sad stories and tears. Measure her worth by her actions not by her words. It's not totally her fault and she may actually be sorry and believe some of what she says. Some women just have a strong biological desire to stray. So, no matter what she says, she will do it again.

 

I know it's sad, it sucks and it's not fair, but you have to dump her. Period.