His emotional abuse

[Cornfused again]

I'm in a emotionally abusive relationship. He is controlling mean corrective not only to me but his ex wife when married. His kids to a lesser degree. He rages at me yet can completely make me feel like the bad person in the relationship. If he could only hear himself. If only our marriage conselor did not see him as the good guy. Why do I want to stay with that? Why am I flooded with emotion that my marriage is over and someone I love is gone from me? I'm reading "women who love too much" and i identify with this book. Why am I so insecure and scared? Where has my self esteem gone?

[TaraMaiden]

Have you checked down the back of the sofa?

 

Seriously, why - if you recognise the problem - are you subjecting yourself to continued abuse?

 

What is your dependency?

More pertinently - what is your Payoff?

[Minnie09]

So you've identified the problem and you're not willing to make a change. That's insane. What are you going to marriage counseling for? If the counselor makes you out to be the bad guy, and thinks he's the good guy, he's obviously presenting himself in a different light during your sessions. Why don't you call him out on it right there? What have you got to lose?*

 

What does the emotional abuse look like? On what occasions is it most prevalent?

 

As I said, I don't understand people who've identified a problem and decide to remain stuck. If you don't want to leave the M, at least try to make him acknowledge his behavior and force him to take a hard look at himself. Maybe that way you can improve your M step by step. It's good you're in MC, but if you just go there in order to be able to say "We've tried to solve our problems" without actually resolving anything, it's a worthless waste of money. Often the abuser takes that as a justification to continue bad behavior, because they make everybody including themselves believe that they've made an effort, when in reality they've just continued to play their game. Don't give him that. Either leave, or make him change. Use your mc sessions to get something out for yourself. Don't let him sit there spinning his tales and making you out to be the crazy, over-sensitive one. I'm not saying that he WILL change and your life will be better, but if you're not willing to leave this man, at least try your best and don't let him rule your MC sessions and your life.*

[ace5950]

because its hard and scary!! until you are in this situation you have no idea how you would react. I was with an emotional abuser for 12 years! we have been apart for 6 months and I am still letting him emotional abuse me... why? Because I am scared out of my mind! Scared of being alone, scared of what my future will hold, scared I will never find someone to love me. The relationship has left me with NO self esteem and NO confidence. Leaving an emotional abuser is not an easy process!

 

One thing I do know is that he is not going to change! Do you have a good support system to help you get out? Do you have kids? Will he let you walk away? If you are anything like me you still love the guy like crazy and the thought of being with out him is depressing, but also know that if he really loved you, and cared about you he would not treat you this way. Leaving him is not going to be easy, but if you want to have a happy life you need to get out.

 

Does your husband use drugs or alcohol? Are you scared of him? Does he ever get physical or just emotional?

[Cornfused again]

Hank you Ace for your words. I never understand why people respond like the first two did telling me I know the problem fix it I'm not willing to change blah blah. I know the problem and when looking for advice to move on move out I get bashed for what?? That's why I hate posting here ! Everyone willing to bash few to help with sound advise/judgement.

[Cornfused again]

I have no support. No kids so no issues there. The MC does not see him better than me, he just doesn't know hI'm like I do. I've never told a soul except for a close friends in regards to his emotional abuse. He has never hit me nor do I think he would. I'm his punvhng bag for his problems. His complaints about me in realty are his issues. I've been with him long enough to see all this. We just recently began counseling and I'm scared to bring it up. How can he treat me like this and say mean horrid things and in next breath tels me our divorce will hurt because he loves mE. Does he love me or hate me? He doesn't drink or use drugs. He is highly competitive in all aspects of his life, thinks he's on a level with god, he is the MAN. He will praise other people to me yet never will praise me. But in a heartbeat can make me feel two inches tall. I guess time will hopefully help me get over him and our marriage. I hurt knowing he man I love can't love in a healthy way and I feel said for the next woman who attempts to take him on. I'm strong as hell (at least I was ) until he broke my spirit. Maybe I didn't need advise from here but more of an outlet to get it off my chest.

[msfreebyme]

I used to be in a emotionally abusive relationship. I know exactly how you are feeling right now when everyone seems to think he is the good guy and you feel like you're crazy. I used to believe that somewhere deep inside my ex would become his old self. What is going on with him is not something you will ever be able to fix no matter how many therapists you take him to or how many arguments you will get into only going around in circles in the end it's only going to get worse. Here is one major fact you should always remember YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE POWER TO LEAVE ANYTIME YOU WANT. That's what I would tell myself every time I would get into a tiff with him. Just remember you are not the one with the problem he is. This can only be your choice if you choose to stay with him but I will tell you...being in that toxic relationship is something passed down to your children and something that will suck the life out of you. I hope nothing but the best for you...good luck dear.

 

P.S. My psychology teacher gave me this little saying for me to repeat every day to myself in the mirror and when I feel down about myself. I know it's a little weird but it helps...don't you dare let anyone tell you how to feel about yourself. =)

 

"I am a goddess! I have great worth! I do deserve great things in my life!"

[ace5950]

Do you think he is a narcicist? Or maybe he has anti social personality disorder? Look them both up.

[Cornfused again]

I have read up extensively on BPD and

Narcissism. He fits both. But what is funny is he tries to say I have them and his ex has them. It's never him. He has the world thinking his ex was nuts and he will do the same to me. I feel like I have wasted so much energy and time trying to please a person who clearly cannot love me. And it's not a big town so I will alays see him or hear what he is up too.

[LittleTiger]

I am so sorry you're in this situation, it is not a fun place to be - I have come across men like him myself although I was lucky that I had the personal strength not to allow the abuse. I fully understand how difficult it is for you.

 

Your husband sounds very much like he has NPD/BPD and that is not easy for anyone to deal with - even therapists struggle at times.

 

You say you haven't come looking for advice but I am going to offer some anyway. Get yourself into individual counselling with a new counsellor - a female counsellor who understands narcisissm, BPD and psychological abuse. Focus on rebuiling your confidence and self-esteem. Work on yourself so that you can stand up to him - and anyone else like him that you may come across in the future.

 

If you want to leave then leave, provided it is safe for you to do so.

 

A classic narcissist will be clever enough to make the whole world think you are the one in the wrong - and couples therapy generally works against the person being abused. If your husband has indiviual therapy too, it will need to be with someone experienced in dealing with narcissists. Narcissists have a knack of picking up tricks from therapists that they will use against the person they abuse.

 

It is possible to have a good relationship with someone who has this illness, but only if you can learn to be the strong one. If you can't, or don't want to, then leaving is probably your best option.

[Minnie09]

I did not mean to be condescending or patronizing. I know your situation isn't an easy one and it's hard for yourself to understand why you got into this R in the first place. What did you not see? Why was he misleading you like that?*

 

As a matter of fact, I did walk in your shoes a while ago, and with a child involved, which made leaving even harder. My ex was a really good dad to my son, never treated him poorly, unless he wanted to get a rise out of me. He would, e.g. get him all cranked up on purpose, despite my warnings, by yelling back and forth, teasing him and tickling him until there was a big meltdown that I had to fix. He did that to punish me. Like you said, he was super-nice and super-attentive to everybody else but me, especially to women. He loved women's attention and wanted to look like Mr. Superhero. It didn't matter if his charm was targeted at his own mother, niece, sister, workmates, old school friends, strippers, gas station workers, etc. As long as it were women, girls, random chicks it didn't matter. He was prince charming and helped them out at my expense. I got nothing but passive-aggressive bs and abuse, got to hear I was boring, worthless, sloppy, a bad mother blah blah. Which I knew I wasn't. We, too, tried MC, but he lied and lied his ass off even there. So I made my choice, and my choice was to leave. I knew I was the strong one and he was the weak attention whore. No matter how he tried to dominate me, I never let him get away with it, and I only stayed as long as I had to in order to get my ducks in a row, found a full-time job, a condo which I could halfway afford, and a car that I paid cash for from my savings. Then I left. I told him the night before, and that was it. It is hard, especially with a child involved, but IF you can financially afford it, you have to do it. Emotionally I had been long gone. I stopped loving him as soon as I had figured him out. It did take me more than three years, though, but I did figure him out and lost all respect for him. It took me another 2 years to line everything up properly behind his back and set myself free. I'm still in a slight financial struggle, but I can handle it. And my decision to get a D was the best thing I ever did.*

 

Good luck to you.

Edited September 23, 2012 by Minnie09

[freestyle]

OP---I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.

 

One avenue of research I'd like to recommend is reading up on Stockholm Syndrom, and how it occurs in emotionally abusive and DV situations....

 

Also, reading up on Trauma Bonding could be beneficial to you as well.

 

It may help you to understand WHY it's not as easy to get up and go as you might think. The more you understand your own reactions, the more empowered you will become, until you're able to summon up the momentum to remove yourself from your current situation.

 

 

Part of what keeps an abuse victim stuck is the steady erosion of self-esteem, which can leave you feeling too weak to act on your own behalf.

[ace5950]

I have read up extensively on BPD and

Narcissism. He fits both. But what is funny is he tries to say I have them and his ex has them. It's never him. He has the world thinking his ex was nuts and he will do the same to me. I feel like I have wasted so much energy and time trying to please a person who clearly cannot love me. And it's not a big town so I will alays see him or hear what he is up too.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I spent so much time and energy into this relationship just to be crapped on. We also share a ton of friends, and always will so this makes its so much harder to cut him completely out of my life. I am for the first time EVER in my life on my own. Its scary! Something I have struggled with is if these type of people have any clue what they are doing/the pain they are causing us. As much as I love my ex I know we could never be in a healthy, happy relationship. Its so easy to remember the good, and wish/want it to always be like that. But in all reality i know there is something mentally wrong with my ex and he will never change.

[Cornfused again]

OP---I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.

 

One avenue of research I'd like to recommend is reading up on Stockholm Syndrom, and how it occurs in emotionally abusive and DV situations....

 

Also, reading up on Trauma Bonding could be beneficial to you as well.

 

It may help you to understand WHY it's not as easy to get up and go as you might think. The more you understand your own reactions, the more empowered you will become, until you're able to summon up the momentum to remove yourself from your current situation.

 

 

Part of what keeps an abuse victim stuck is the steady erosion of self-esteem, which can leave you feeling too weak to act on your own behalf.

 

 

I read, about Trauma Bonding sounds a lot like how i feel. I want out so bad yet feel like i need him so much. Si then i really feel like my srlf esteem is gone. Its a neverending cycle !

[LittleTiger]

I read, about Trauma Bonding sounds a lot like how i feel. I want out so bad yet feel like i need him so much. Si then i really feel like my srlf esteem is gone. Its a neverending cycle !

 

It is NOT a 'never ending' cycle! You CAN break it.

 

You just need to get some help with rebuilding your self esteem so that you can stand up for yourself.

 

Have a look at this website Narcissism Cured | Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is all about working on yourself so that you stop allowing him to abuse you and gain his respect. You may even find that you don't need to leave him.

 

Of course, once who have regained your self esteem, you may decide that you don't want to stay.

[loveunlimited]

Why do you need him? make a list of all the reasons you believe you need him. post it here and maybe we can help you delete everyone of them and prove to you that you don't.

[marriedman321]

Honestly some women are hard to deal with. I dated one girl who would cut me off mid sentence every time i spoke. If i then automatically raised my voice i was verbally abusive.

 

Also some women are more sensitive than others which can be very annoying. Some women can be like "whatever f u" then fine in 2 minutes. Others break down and cry over the slightest disagreement.

[Cornfused again]

Honestly some women are hard to deal with. I dated one girl who would cut me off mid sentence every time i spoke. If i then automatically raised my voice i was verbally abusive.

 

Also some women are more sensitive than others which can be very annoying. Some women can be like "whatever f u" then fine in 2 minutes. Others break down and cry over the slightest disagreement.

 

Hmmm did she call you a ****ing piece if ****, tell you your nothing, call you countless names, screaming at top of lungs, im talking about 5 years of being broke down to nothing belittled mentally tortutred. Im not being "sensitive"

[marriedman321]

How does it escalate to that point? For no reason he just starts yelling?

 

Just in my experiences women viewed me as super nice or abusive. It usually takes 2.

 

Example...

 

Conversation with woman A:

 

"Hey why did you give me old lunch meat again?"

 

"Oh sorry honey. My mistake. I was rushed this morning"

 

"No prob. Love u hun"

 

Conversation with woman B

 

"Hey why did you give me old lunch meat again?"

 

"It wasnt old! "

 

"Yes it was. It was all slimy"

 

"Well you bought it. You ahould know it was old"

 

"Jesus just forget it"

 

"Why are you always picking on me? Not my fault the meat is old. Want me to go ahopping every day???"

 

"No just forget it i will pack my own lunch"

 

"Why are you yelling at me!!! You have anger problems!!!"

[Cornfused again]

How does it escalate to that point? For no reason he just starts yelling?

 

Just in my experiences women viewed me as super nice or abusive. It usually takes 2.

 

Example...

 

Conversation with woman A:

 

"Hey why did you give me old lunch meat again?"

 

"Oh sorry honey. My mistake. I was rushed this morning"

 

"No prob. Love u hun"

 

Conversation with woman B

 

"Hey why did you give me old lunch meat again?"

 

"It wasnt old! "

 

"Yes it was. It was all slimy"

 

"Well you bought it. You ahould know it was old"

 

"Jesus just forget it"

 

"Why are you always picking on me? Not my fault the meat is old. Want me to go ahopping every day???"

 

"No just forget it i will pack my own lunch"

 

"Why are you yelling at me!!! You have anger problems!!!"

 

 

 

Ummm more like. Silent treatment for no reason. Ask a question and get accused of being a bitch, and screamed at for 34 min, belittled , criticized and at the end told its all me all my fault. Though I said 8 words in 30 min as I was told to shut the **** up that he is in charge.

Edited September 25, 2012 by Cornfused again
More response

[LittleTiger]

Cornfused again, you do not have to justify to anyone here why it is that you feel abused. Please get yourself some help. If your husband thinks he is 'entitled' to be in control, it could just be a matter of time before his abuse turns physical. Nobody has the right to call you a bitch or a f****** piece of s*** or to tell you to shut the f*** up - NOBODY!!!

[loveunlimited]

How does it escalate to that point? For no reason he just starts yelling?

 

....

 

Woman on man abuse is becoming more public because more people speak out. and a good thing too. But man on woman abuse is still in the much higher figures. men shout louder, are more powerful intimidating and frightening. intimidating bullying manipulative abusers are charm personified to the outside world, who would believe someone so polite and charming could be such a monster, surely not, it defies belief? Well how on earth could you have put up with it for so long? why are you still there?

You have no idea how frightening and intimidating such treatment can be, the abused woman has every ounce of moral strength sucked out of her, she is browbeaten and subdued through all kinds of different means and ways. it's dreadful. there is an organisation here in the uk that will modify a mobile phone to go straight to an emergency crisis helpline when you press any button and it has an amplifier so that if a person is being abused all they have to do is press any button on the phone and the call is picked up immediately and put through. it's no exaggeration to say that it has in all probability saved lives. But an emotionally abused woman stays for many reasons and one is that quite literally, the fight and stuffing have been knocked out of her. legislation in the UK has just changed to make verbal and emotional abuse also recognised as illegal and criminal. About bloody time.

[marriedman321]

I have never seen it to be so black and white. As an example i used to have an old roommate who seemed to be abusive to his gf. I felt bad for her. Calling her the worst names in public etc

 

However the more I was around then if they were getting along she did her best to push his buttons, make him jealous, bring up old fights etc. When he finally dumped her she bacame a stalker who would not leave him alone.

 

Long story short she was abused as a kid and only felt loved in these crazy type relationahips. She was sick and needed help.

 

If this guy really does this for no reason and you are not fighting back or provoking then he is aick. Leave him. But take a long hard look ar yourself too. The above girl always told everyone how abusive my roommate was seemingly for pity and attention. She never realized how sick she is

[LittleTiger]

That story may well be true marriedman321, but there are millions of examples where the man (or the woman) turns nasty without any provocation whatsoever.

 

Narcissists and sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder are known to display these types of behaviour - and blameshifting is part of their illness. Unfortunately, that makes it all too easy for others to point the finger at the victim.

 

Of course it is possible that the OP also displays these behaviours and is leaving out her side of the story but, even so, she cannot be 'blamed' for her husbands abuse - because, unless you are saying she is being dishonest about his behaviour - that is what this is.

 

Sometimes the abuse can be two-way but, more often than not, it isn't.

[marriedman321]

Good points. I have just found that aside from Lifetime movies the abuse is usually both ways.

 

I wonder exactly how it starts which i have not read. "Hi honey your dinner is ready" then he replies "f u you stupid bitch"?

 

I also think women test men or for some reason expect all of them to act like princes all of the time. Anything short of that is "abusive" to some women.

 

People have tempers when provoked. Imagine 2 women living together. Lesbian relationshipa are among the most abusive . I think to have a non abusive relationship it takes a lady and a gentleman. Often times the same wkmen go from abusive relationahip to abusive relationship while aome women have never been in one