His emotional abuse

[LittleTiger]

Good points. I have just found that aside from Lifetime movies the abuse is usually both ways.

 

I wonder exactly how it starts which i have not read. "Hi honey your dinner is ready" then he replies "f u you stupid bitch"?

 

I also think women test men or for some reason expect all of them to act like princes all of the time. Anything short of that is "abusive" to some women.

 

People have tempers when provoked. Imagine 2 women living together. Lesbian relationshipa are among the most abusive . I think to have a non abusive relationship it takes a lady and a gentleman. Often times the same wkmen go from abusive relationahip to abusive relationship while aome women have never been in one

 

Whether you have 'read' it or not, it is a sad truth that many women have been faced with 'f u you stupid b*tch' in response to 'hi honey, your dinner is ready'.

 

Besides which, this is only verbal abuse, which is just a tiny part of what constitutes psychological and emotional abuse.

 

In addition, there is the 'silent treatment', control by fear and intimidation, manipulation, attempts to confuse, humiliating, blameshifting, isolating and belittling. The abuser has no respect for the victim.

 

This kind of abuse is not about two people who happen to argue a lot, or tempers getting out of hand, or one person testing another or anyone expecting to be treated like a princess - it is a recognised pattern of behaviours clustered together which result in the victim becoming downtrodden and having their self-esteem destroyed. They become helplessly attached to someone who treats them like dirt.

 

Whether you believe this or not, I just think it is unhelpful to the OP to tell her she is partly to blame. Whatever she has done, she does not deserve to be treated in the way she has described and I sincerely hope that she gets some help before her abuser takes things to another level.

[ace5950]

Whether you have 'read' it or not, it is a sad truth that many women have been faced with 'f u you stupid b*tch' in response to 'hi honey, your dinner is ready'.

 

Besides which, this is only verbal abuse, which is just a tiny part of what constitutes psychological and emotional abuse.

 

In addition, there is the 'silent treatment', control by fear and intimidation, manipulation, attempts to confuse, humiliating, blameshifting, isolating and belittling. The abuser has no respect for the victim.

 

This kind of abuse is not about two people who happen to argue a lot, or tempers getting out of hand, or one person testing another or anyone expecting to be treated like a princess - it is a recognised pattern of behaviours clustered together which result in the victim becoming downtrodden and having their self-esteem destroyed. They become helplessly attached to someone who treats them like dirt.

 

Whether you believe this or not, I just think it is unhelpful to the OP to tell her she is partly to blame. Whatever she has done, she does not deserve to be treated in the way she has described and I sincerely hope that she gets some help before her abuser takes things to another level.

 

 

Thank you for writing this. I was a little pissed from reading about how the woman being to blame. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 8+ years. I got the silent treatment, manipulated, put down, left behind... so much more. I know that I am not prefect and some days I can be down right bitchy but I know the way I was treated was not okay, and it is not a way a man should treat someone he "loves". If I was upset about something and cried he would get mad at me, leave the house and sometimes stay gone for days because he knew it would upset me... all this for crying.... a lot of women are scared of their emotional abusers... I know I was... not scared that he was going to hit me but scared of his ability to make me feel like total crap...scared that if I made him mad he would avoid me for days, or be mean to me, or say nasty things to me, or punish me by doing things he know would make me mad. Emotional abuse is not a fun thing to go through. It leaves you feeling worthless and lifeless and just blah! They are almost like brainwashing you. So I know I am to blame for some of the problems I had in my relationship, I do know i did not deserve to be treated this way.

[CopingGal]

Hey Confused,

 

You know, I thought the therapist would make all the problems go away. That wasn't the case. First, my ex lied in therapy sessions. The therapist said she didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.

 

I'm a firm believer in therapy, but it depends on the person. My ex has sociopathic traits and narcissitic personality disorder traits. He's also a compulsive liar. The only thing for me to do was to kick him completely out of my life. I stand by my decision to this day. He abused me psychological and emotionally. He ripped my self-esteem to shreds and didn't care that he damaged me. He used me, abused me, cheated on me, harassed me, threw the woman he cheated with in my face all the time, etc., etc.,

 

The only thing I could do to stop the abuse was to have absolutely nothing to do with him whatsoever. That was the only way to stop it. He drained all of the patience and compassion I had for him until there was nothing left. The couple's therapist said that he tried to kill me inside.

 

I'm telling you, leaving him and staying away from him was the only thing I could do to get my sanity back. A person who is psychologically abusive is dysfunctional and maipulative. It's not your job to fix them. It takes years and years for a person to change their personality and if they are sociopathic, there's no hope.

 

Stay away from this person and go and live your life. Take care of you.

[NoMoreJerks]

because its hard and scary!! until you are in this situation you have no idea how you would react. I was with an emotional abuser for 12 years! we have been apart for 6 months and I am still letting him emotional abuse me... why? Because I am scared out of my mind! Scared of being alone, scared of what my future will hold, scared I will never find someone to love me. The relationship has left me with NO self esteem and NO confidence. Leaving an emotional abuser is not an easy process!

As someone who was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man, I can definitely say that what ace described above is the case for other people as well. What makes us scared of being dumped or of leaving is the same thing that scares us into tolerating the abuse to begin with, without even so much as putting up a fight or defending ourselves (even if it didn't mean leaving them). That said, OP, I was emotionally abused by my ex for 3 months. My friends no longer recognized who I was, because I became a totally different person. Lost all my confidence/self-esteem, became totally addicted to him, couldn't imagine life without him, even as he was abusing me. But the break-up eventually did happen. He threatened to break up with me and I finally snapped and told him to go **** himself, that I was DONE with that ****. The next 2 weeks were hellish. It was almost like I was having drug withdrawal symptoms. But I survived those 2 weeks, and now I no longer feel addicted to him. At least not to the same extent. He contact me a few days ago and wants to give it another try, and I said ok, and maybe that indicates that I am not 100% over him, but I'm getting there. And right now, I have very little emotions invested into the "second attempt".

[NoMoreJerks]

Do you think he is a narcicist? Or maybe he has anti social personality disorder? Look them both up.

My ex was an abuser, and he was a narcissist for sure.

[CopingGal]

As someone who was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man, I can definitely say that what ace described above is the case for other people as well. What makes us scared of being dumped or of leaving is the same thing that scares us into tolerating the abuse to begin with, without even so much as putting up a fight or defending ourselves (even if it didn't mean leaving them). That said, OP, I was emotionally abused by my ex for 3 months. My friends no longer recognized who I was, because I became a totally different person. Lost all my confidence/self-esteem, became totally addicted to him, couldn't imagine life without him, even as he was abusing me. But the break-up eventually did happen. He threatened to break up with me and I finally snapped and told him to go **** himself, that I was DONE with that ****. The next 2 weeks were hellish. It was almost like I was having drug withdrawal symptoms. But I survived those 2 weeks, and now I no longer feel addicted to him. At least not to the same extent. He contact me a few days ago and wants to give it another try, and I said ok, and maybe that indicates that I am not 100% over him, but I'm getting there. And right now, I have very little emotions invested into the "second attempt".

 

If you were so abused that you became a totally different person in only three months, why go back there? I learned that when someone abuses you, with time it does not get better. It just gets worse and worse. You're out now. Don't go back. Stay away.

[Brit]

Sorry you have found your way into this situation. He will not change, and you should not wish for him to, or try, because, he is who he is, and it will not get better, the odds of that are close to hitting a large jackpot.

I hope you get to a point where you put you first, and look at the situation clearly from your viewpoint, in that he is treating you like crap. There is absolutely zero, in which you mentioned, that makes him worth keeping in your life.

No one deserves to be treated in the manners in which he is treating you. Only you can make the decision to get out, and the longer you stay co dependent, the harder leaving will become.

I wish there was a fairy tale answer, but there isn't.

Hoping for the best for you.

[ace5950]

I know its hard for people to understand why women stay with abusers... Untill they are in the situation. My relationship has left me feeling broken. I am scared no one else Will love me and ill be alone for the rest of my life. He's left me with no selfesteem and I sometimes wonder if it would be better to be with him then alone. its hard to let go of what you thought your future was going to be. This may sound ridiculous but its how I feel. I also think a lot of the time women think they can change their men when in all reality they can't. I don't seek an abusers... I'm just in love with one and its hard to let go even if he's treating me like crap.

[Cornfused again]

Thank you for writing this. I was a little pissed from reading about how the woman being to blame. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 8+ years. I got the silent treatment, manipulated, put down, left behind... so much more. I know that I am not prefect and some days I can be down right bitchy but I know the way I was treated was not okay, and it is not a way a man should treat someone he "loves". If I was upset about something and cried he would get mad at me, leave the house and sometimes stay gone for days because he knew it would upset me... all this for crying.... a lot of women are scared of their emotional abusers... I know I was... not scared that he was going to hit me but scared of his ability to make me feel like total crap...scared that if I made him mad he would avoid me for days, or be mean to me, or say nasty things to me, or punish me by doing things he know would make me mad. Emotional abuse is not a fun thing to go through. It leaves you feeling worthless and lifeless and just blah! They are almost like brainwashing you. So I know I am to blame for some of the problems I had in my relationship, I do know i did not deserve to be treated this way.

 

It's insane how al us say to one another your story is just like mine!To the insensitive *******s posting on here wanting to know how much I'm to blame. I'm not an angel I can be a real bitch at times but as every other poster here who has suffered EA. All of our stories are the same. This is what we suffer from. Have you ever walked on eggshells everyday. It f-in hurts after a while ! Get it? Read up on EA, BPD, and narcisstic pd. you'll see why we suffer what we deal with day in day out. I moved out over a week ago. I've done it before I mitght come back and then move again. It's a process. Each time I get a little bit stronger little more wiser and the woman here? You are loved and thanked !

[CopingGal]

Read up on EA, BPD, and narcisstic pd. you'll see why we suffer what we deal with day in day out.

 

Hi. What is EA?

 

Don't forget ASP (antisocial personality disorder [sociopathic disorder]). My most recent ex had STRONG traits of ASP and NPD. No more. I will never ever date someone that has strong traits like that again. It's too much for me.

[LittleTiger]

Hi. What is EA?

 

Emotional abuse (I assume).

[msfreebyme]

I have read up extensively on BPD and

Narcissism. He fits both. But what is funny is he tries to say I have them and his ex has them. It's never him. He has the world thinking his ex was nuts and he will do the same to me. I feel like I have wasted so much energy and time trying to please a person who clearly cannot love me. And it's not a big town so I will alays see him or hear what he is up too.

 

Thats kind of how my ex was. I wasted all of my energy also trying to fix the situation and it seemed like in a way he was more obsessed and would call me all the time and always tell me what to do or say. He would always start up arguments for no reason and then blame me and I could never understand why...awhile ago I did come up with the idea that I think he has BPD. I found this video which actually made me understand...I think its a cute animation if you're interested and haven't seen it.

 

[stillafool]

because its hard and scary!! until you are in this situation you have no idea how you would react.

 

 

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I got out. If I had had a kid it may have been harder to leave. OP does not have kids and the other posters were correct in telling her to leave. Why would anyone stay in such a relationship if they don't have to?

[LittleTiger]

. I'm not an angel I can be a real bitch at times but as every other poster here who has suffered EA. All of our stories are the same. /QUOTE]

 

Yeah pretty much..

 

As stillafool stated with no ties leaving is not all that difficult.

 

Littletiger, do you think nice "nonabusive" men will put up with "a real bitch" for long?

 

Certain types of people belong together.

 

1) Once again, you are picking out the small part of the post that in some way might shift the blame to the woman.

 

2) She did not state 'leaving is not all that difficult' - read the post again! She said she got out and that with a kid it would have been harder to leave. In no way does that meaning that 'leaving is not all that difficult'. For most people in an abusive relationship, leaving is very, very difficult indeed and, in some cases, downright dangerous! The most likely time for someone to be violently attacked or killed by an abusive partner is right after they have left!

 

3) Refer to my previous posts re being off-topic.

[William]

Hello from moderation. Here's the relevant subject matter related to emotional abuse of the thread starter:

 

Why do I want to stay with that? Why am I flooded with emotion that my marriage is over and someone I love is gone from me? I'm reading "women who love too much" and i identify with this book. Why am I so insecure and scared? Where has my self esteem gone?

 

Stage Two.

[marriedman321]

(Crickets chirping) I guess nobody can comment on exactly why a stranger on the internet feels a certain way?

[ace5950]

(Crickets chirping) I guess nobody can comment on exactly why a stranger on the internet feels a certain way?

 

 

I am sure she feels this way for the same reasons I feel/have felt the exact same way. Because we love the men we are with even if they treat us bad. Because they have knocked us down so many times we now feel like no one else will love us. We are morning the loss of what we thought our future would be. We feel that maybe if I act different or do different things he will love me the way I want to be love... if only I tried harder. we are scared of starting over, scared of the unknown. I have often thought maybe it would be better to stay in a crappy relationship then be alone. Its hard to love someone so much to only be crapped on. In my case I had no idea how bad my relationship was till I was out of it. Not until then did my friends and family start to say how they felt about my relationship. It was not until I started to see a therapist that I realized that I was not in a good, healthy relationship.

[ComingInHot]

okay... I really do get it for the most part.

 

I believe that when I started posting here recently, I did so as a checks and balances as I have arrived at a point where I am in constant conflict w/myself w/reconciling w/my husband's affair w/thirteen years of verbal/emotional abuse w/not being a failure w/hurting our kids if I Stay or leave w/the aspect of leaving a successful company we built from nothing...

 

I realized something tonight, (I'm gonna have to repost this part on my thread)!!!...

 

Over the last two years, I have acquired a new hobby - collecting things & sharing them w/two very trusted people...

 

For You, maybe record one of your arguments to your cell phone & if need be replay it for your councelor, or lawyer, or judge...

 

Ssshhhhh, secret.... I have hours of our arguments ie; his rages recorded AND have forwarded them to my bestie friend**

[CopingGal]

He would always start up arguments for no reason and then blame me and I could never understand why...awhile ago I did come up with the idea that I think he has BPD.

 

Ohhh, I'm learning more about your ex now. From your other postings, I assumed he had antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy).

[Cornfused again]

okay... I really do get it for the most part.

 

I believe that when I started posting here recently, I did so as a checks and balances as I have arrived at a point where I am in constant conflict w/myself w/reconciling w/my husband's affair w/thirteen years of verbal/emotional abuse w/not being a failure w/hurting our kids if I Stay or leave w/the aspect of leaving a successful company we built from nothing...

 

I realized something tonight, (I'm gonna have to repost this part on my thread)!!!...

 

Over the last two years, I have acquired a new hobby - collecting things & sharing them w/two very trusted people...

 

For You, maybe record one of your arguments to your cell phone & if need be replay it for your councelor, or lawyer, or judge...

 

Ssshhhhh, secret.... I have hours of our arguments ie; his rages recorded AND have forwarded them to my bestie friend**

 

 

While this does sound like a great idea. It would prove my sanity & his irrationality. It is totally illegal and would likely get me in more trouble than him. Against the law to voice record without thier knowledge.

[TaraMaiden]

While this does sound like a great idea. It would prove my sanity & his irrationality. It is totally illegal and would likely get me in more trouble than him. Against the law to voice record without thier knowledge.

Not always - it depends on the context, where you are, and as they might have been left as legitimate phone messages, rather than being covertly recorded F2F, there's nothing wrong with making someone hear them.

[Cornfused again]

Not always - it depends on the context, where you are, and as they might have been left as legitimate phone messages, rather than being covertly recorded F2F, there's nothing wrong with making someone hear them.

 

Believe me I already thought/looked into it. Illegal in my state. You cannot record a conversation (say with iPhone voice memo) without thier knowledge. Phone message of course they left it knowing it was recording.

[turnera]

cornfused, I have a book for you to read. It will help you tremendously. You can get it at most libraries.

 

It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

 

It will explain a lot to you.

[turnera]

Believe me I already thought/looked into it. Illegal in my state. You cannot record a conversation (say with iPhone voice memo) without thier knowledge. Phone message of course they left it knowing it was recording.

Then just TELL him you will now be recording everything he says.

[LittleTiger]

Actually that's not a bad idea provided it doesn't incite him to get violent or make his abuse more frightening. An emotionally abusive person is unlikely to remember they are being recorded whilst in 'attack' mode but, when he does think about it, he could turn very nasty in an attempt to find the recording device or to scare her into allowing him to delete it. Not an easy situation. The only way to stop abuse is either to learn to stand up to the abuser or leave.