Don't love my wife or find her attractive anymore

[WhatASituation]

Been married for 15 years, have three kids who are 15, 13 and 11. We got married pretty quickly as you can see from the data above. When I met my wife, I fell in love with her. We shared the same interests, the sex was amazing, the connection was real. We met in September, married in January, and had our first child that June. It was really quick!

 

So our first child is born, which was the most amazing day of my life and we were happy.Very broke, but really happy and home, really felt like home. New wife, new baby, what more could a man want? Well months go by and sex stops. I figured with having a child, she needed to heal and probably wasn't in the mood as she put on the usual baby weight. Well more months go by and still no sex. It started to become an issue. She kept on telling me that I married her only because I got her pregnant. Ok I admit, it sped the process up, but I really was in love with her. I worshipped the ground she walked on! Months turn into years, we do end up having two more children but I am still being beat up with, "You married me because of our first child."

 

I thought I would show her that I really love her, not just tell her, but really SHOW her. I would do little things, notes, little mini-vacations, just her and I to show her that I wanted to be with her and enjoyed her company. The conversations were solely about the kids. I tried to make it about us, but it always turned into a planning session of all the stuff we have to do with the kids for the coming week.

 

Sex was a problem now. When we were dating, she was almost insatiable and she turned into the polar opposite! Well, I turned to porn to satiate myself but not to the point where that's all I did all day long. I did not want to cheat on her and totally mess up my marriage and put all that in jeopardy. After all, I was in my late 20's to 30's and still had a high sex drive.

 

After our last child was born, I got a vasectomy as I knew we didn't want to have anymore children. This is really as an aside story only to demonstrate a point, because they needed a sample to make sure there were no "swimmers" left. I had a really hard time with providing one and asked my wife if she could "help me out". She told me that was disgusting and I had to fend for myself. She also told me she would be ok with not having sex for the rest of her life. Remember, this is on top of being told I married her only because of our first child.

 

Fast forward about 13 years into the marriage. We have a couple of drinks one night and I discover she had quite the active sex life in college. Now, I don't care what people do in their pasts especially being young and maybe even "dumb". But here's the kicker, she told me she did those things because she had been date raped (which I knew about a long time ago, so no surprise there) and just "didn't care anymore". So, after years of this battle with her, a huge question popped into my head. Why couldn't she do things with me, once in a while, that maybe she really didn't want to do? After all, I am her husband and not a "frat brother". I mean she had threesomes, did certain things to the frat brothers, all that sort of stuff but wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole? I was just totally bewildered and angered by this.

 

So in about year 14, I just had enough. I felt, after 14 years of rejection, all the sexual problems, her doing things with others before me but not doing things for me, I just felt extremely rejected. For me, I felt if I had become incapacitated in that regard, and she still had desire, I would do things for her as my wife. There were also some bad financial decisions she made but didn't really want to get into all that right now.

 

I am now at the point where I am just not in love with her anymore and I don't even really find her all that attractive now. I don't hate her either as we can still have good conversations, but it's not "us conversations", it's more about say politics, or current events or news of how our friends and family are doing. The last year and a half has been filled with huge fights, resentment and turmoil. We've become great roommates, but that's not what marriage is all about. I just feel dead inside, frustrated, trapped, rejected and not knowing what to do really. I am seriously thinking about leaving her, she can't be happy either. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading!

[whichwayisup]

Tell her how you feel and go to marriage counselling. For the sake of your 3 children and 15 years of marriage, it would be a real shame to end the marriage without giving her (and you) a chance to reconnect with the help of the marriage counsellor.

[WhatASituation]

We tried counseling years ago, it didn't do a whole lot. To be very honest, I don't even want to do that. I know that sounds awful, but I just don't

[TaraMaiden]

I believe you think actually, you only have one of two options left.

One would be to cheat (don't.....)

And the second would be to file for divorce.

Which sounds as if it's something you've considered... but actually, you're just seeking confirmation or 'a shove' from responses here...?

 

What is it YOU really want to do?

[AnotherRound]

We tried counseling years ago, it didn't do a whole lot. To be very honest, I don't even want to do that. I know that sounds awful, but I just don't

 

My guess is that you don't want to try counseling because you know in your heart that there is no point. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I hear stories like this so often, and it just sounds like a miserable place to be.

 

If you know it's not fixable, or don't even want to try (and no, it doesn't sound terrible, it sounds truthful and honest in that you are exhausted and done, we all get there at some point), then I think a divorce is the only way to go. Since you two are getting along fairly well (just no intimacy), it sounds like it could even be a pretty amicable divorce.

 

I hope it all works out for you and that you are able to find someone who you are much more compatible with in the future. Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

Been married for 15 years, have three kids who are 15, 13 and 11. We got married pretty quickly as you can see from the data above. When I met my wife, I fell in love with her. We shared the same interests, the sex was amazing, the connection was real. We met in September, married in January, and had our first child that June. It was really quick!

 

So our first child is born, which was the most amazing day of my life and we were happy.Very broke, but really happy and home, really felt like home. New wife, new baby, what more could a man want? Well months go by and sex stops. I figured with having a child, she needed to heal and probably wasn't in the mood as she put on the usual baby weight. Well more months go by and still no sex. It started to become an issue. She kept on telling me that I married her only because I got her pregnant. Ok I admit, it sped the process up, but I really was in love with her. I worshipped the ground she walked on! Months turn into years, we do end up having two more children but I am still being beat up with, "You married me because of our first child."

 

I thought I would show her that I really love her, not just tell her, but really SHOW her. I would do little things, notes, little mini-vacations, just her and I to show her that I wanted to be with her and enjoyed her company. The conversations were solely about the kids. I tried to make it about us, but it always turned into a planning session of all the stuff we have to do with the kids for the coming week.

 

Sex was a problem now. When we were dating, she was almost insatiable and she turned into the polar opposite! Well, I turned to porn to satiate myself but not to the point where that's all I did all day long. I did not want to cheat on her and totally mess up my marriage and put all that in jeopardy. After all, I was in my late 20's to 30's and still had a high sex drive.

 

After our last child was born, I got a vasectomy as I knew we didn't want to have anymore children. This is really as an aside story only to demonstrate a point, because they needed a sample to make sure there were no "swimmers" left. I had a really hard time with providing one and asked my wife if she could "help me out". She told me that was disgusting and I had to fend for myself. She also told me she would be ok with not having sex for the rest of her life. Remember, this is on top of being told I married her only because of our first child.

 

Fast forward about 13 years into the marriage. We have a couple of drinks one night and I discover she had quite the active sex life in college. Now, I don't care what people do in their pasts especially being young and maybe even "dumb". But here's the kicker, she told me she did those things because she had been date raped (which I knew about a long time ago, so no surprise there) and just "didn't care anymore". So, after years of this battle with her, a huge question popped into my head. Why couldn't she do things with me, once in a while, that maybe she really didn't want to do? After all, I am her husband and not a "frat brother". I mean she had threesomes, did certain things to the frat brothers, all that sort of stuff but wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole? I was just totally bewildered and angered by this.

 

So in about year 14, I just had enough. I felt, after 14 years of rejection, all the sexual problems, her doing things with others before me but not doing things for me, I just felt extremely rejected. For me, I felt if I had become incapacitated in that regard, and she still had desire, I would do things for her as my wife. There were also some bad financial decisions she made but didn't really want to get into all that right now.

 

I am now at the point where I am just not in love with her anymore and I don't even really find her all that attractive now. I don't hate her either as we can still have good conversations, but it's not "us conversations", it's more about say politics, or current events or news of how our friends and family are doing. The last year and a half has been filled with huge fights, resentment and turmoil. We've become great roommates, but that's not what marriage is all about. I just feel dead inside, frustrated, trapped, rejected and not knowing what to do really. I am seriously thinking about leaving her, she can't be happy either. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading!

 

 

I was in a relationship fro fifteen years and the sex didnt stop only towards the end of the relationship and even then it was still pretty regular.....after babies that i had (and i had two before i met my ex) i heal quickly so sex continued pretty much as soon as i was healed.....my partner didn't marry me because the grass is greener syndrome or aka commitment phobe......the only time sex stopped when i went through major problems( a son in the juvenile justice system).....the love went and the trust when he continued to cheat and i would find out

 

in the end i gave an ultimatum he told me he loved me but wasnt in love with me, sex wasnt the issue, even though at first i tried to put it all on me, it was something i did or didnt do i knocked him back on sex maybe once or twice in the last days, the truth is he was having sex with me and someone else causing the relationship to fail.....my inability to deal with the situation was because i was dealing with all other family issues as well..major disheartening and stressful situations as well as handing all bills all cooking school kids issues....nightmare city......caused a melt down....and here i am now.........

 

 

 

in a partnership you have to take responsibility too if there are sexual problems they need to be discussed fifteen years is a huge chunk of of both your lives...... but commitment love understanding and acceptance need to go beyond that fifteen year mark.......seek counseling take some time out away from the kids, organize date nights, meals for two....do special little things for each other, sometimes the sex gets lost among the teens its hard yards ahead............doesn't get any easier and its not meant to, it is meant to be hard for the both of you to appreciate the good times....think quality not quantity and try....its all you can do keep trying for the love of your family for the love you share that is still there dont give up ......stand united.... show your kids how its done they can take your standards and strength into their relationships in the future, you will see mini yous and believe me how many times do you say i sound just like my dad when parenting.....you do take it with you everything you see in your home life is taken with you ...i was lucky growing up.....be strong....be hopeful and have fun with sex.....have quality sex and appreciate it when i does happen....i wish you the best ....deb

Edited September 23, 2012 by todreaminblue

[AnotherRound]

You should've divorced her well over a decade ago. Her denying you sex is as unacceptable as you cutting off emotional support.

 

Not to mention - I've yet to meet a man that doesn't express at least some of his emotional connection through the act of sex. I hate that there are women that do this, as it makes some men believe that we are ALL like this. I can't tell you how many times I've had conversations with SOs about them being worried I would "get pregnant on purpose" against their will by trickery, or that they are hypervigilant about being "tricked" into marriage (I don't even WANT to get married!)... and that comes from somewhere! From their experiences with dishonest women who manipulate to get what they want.

 

Just know guys, not all of us are like that! Some of us are straight forward with you about what we want and need and are willing to give. Some of us are not constantly planning a wedding in our minds and are not trying to think of ways to trick you into that trap - marriage and children and all that just so we can cut you off at the knees by vowing to forsake all others and then denying you that! This is so jacked up...

[AnotherRound]

I was in a relationship fro fifteen years and the sex didnt stop only towards the end of the relationship and even then it was still pretty regular.....after babies that i had (and i had two before i met my ex) i heal quickly so sex continued pretty much as soon as i was healed.....my partner didn't marry me because the grass is greener syndrome or aka commitment phobe......the only time sex stopped when i went through major problems( a son in the juvenile justice system).....the love went and the trust when he continued to cheat and i would find out

 

in the end i gave an ultimatum he told me he loved me but wasnt in love with me, sex wasnt the issue, even though at first i tried to put it all on me, it was something i did or didnt do i knocked him back on sex maybe once or twice in the last days, the truth is he was having sex with me and someone else causing the relationship to fail.....my inability to deal with the situation was because i was dealing with all other family issues as well..major disheartening and stressful situations as well as handing all bills all cooking school kids issues....nightmare city......caused a melt down....and here i am now.........

 

 

 

in a partnership you have to take responsibility too if there are sexual problems they need to be discussed fifteen years is a huge chunk of of both your lives...... but commitment love understanding and acceptance need to go beyond that fifteen year mark.......seek counseling take some time out away from the kids, organize date nights, meals for two....do special little things for each other, sometimes the sex gets lost among the teens its hard yards ahead............doesn't get any easier and its not meant to, it is meant to be hard for the both of you to appreciate the good times....think quality not quantity and try....its all you can do keep trying for the love of your family for the love you share that is still there dont give up ......stand united.... show your kids how its done they can take your standards and strength into their relationships in the future, you will see mini yous and believe me how many times do you say i sound just like my dad when parenting.....you do take it with you everything you see in your home life is taken with you ...i was lucky growing up.....be strong....be hopeful and have fun with sex.....have quality sex and appreciate it when i does happen....i wish you the best ....deb

 

I do not get why some are giving the advice that he needs to bend over backwards here? I never get that advice in these types of situations. Nobody should ever have to BEG their SO for sexual intimacy. It's degrading and disrespectful. Why should he have to work so hard to fix HER issue? I just don't get it. It's obvious that they are sexually incompatible - and probably have been the entire time. Just in the beginning, she was all in, doing things she didn't really enjoy or want to do simply bc she was trying to "win" him. Now? She doesn't have to.

 

I don't think it's his problem to fix. It sounds to me that he has done MORE than enough here - he is allowing her to break her vows and he is the one putting in double time to "convince" her to pick up her end of the relationship again. Does this not seem uneven to anyone else? ??????

 

I think he needs to find someone more compatible. And her? Well, she'll probably pretend to like sex again to snag another man, and then the same thing. Wash, rinse, repeat. And again, why I don't think marriage works. It seems that for a LOT of women, marriage = I won and I'm done! Woo! They look at the marriage as the ultimate prize, and once they have it - they stop doing much of anything to maintain the actual marriage. They might clean the house, take care of the kids, cook the meals - but the marriage? Eh. You know, marriage isn't solely about raising children and cleaning the house - and if a woman can't do ALL the things required of her in a marriage, then she shouldn't get married - or shouldn't have had kids. It's like, once they get what they want, they replace the H with everything else and expect the H to be okay with that and just stay in the marriage forever - even though the only thing in it for him at that point is that he has a roommate that cleans and cooks and takes care of the kids. That is NOT an intimate relationship.

 

This stuff confuses the hell out of me, and I have no idea why men put up with it.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely concur with the above....

[WhatASituation]

Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. I don't want to demonize her, because she is an awesome mom and is not an evil person. I'm sure I've made mistakes too, we're all human but I guess I wanted to see what others thought of my situation to make sure I am not being too "one sided".

 

Also I've noticed lots of texts from someone to her cell phone and decided to look at the bill. They are all from out of state from where she used to live so I decided to ask her about it last night. She got very defensive and said it was just an old friend from high school. Well these texts go on all day long, and have been occurring for the past 5 days. She tried to turn it around and say that she thinks I am cheating on her.The discussion turned into other things, at 3 am mind you. She asked me point blank, what I want to do stating that she loves me and wants to work things out. When she asked, I froze and couldn't give her an answer. Do I want to try counseling? Not really, been there done that and it did nothing. I still have these three kids with her and I love them with all my heart. I'm close to each one of them and it'll kill me to not be able to see them an a daily basis.

 

I know this is not a unique situation but you can see why I chose the screen name I chose!

[loveunlimited]

No lube family court anal intercourse.

 

that sounds like rearrange these words into a well known phrase or saying.

 

lube family no court anal intercourse

[darkmoon]

"I would do little things, notes, little mini-vacations, just her and I to show her that I wanted to be with her and enjoyed her company. The conversations were solely about the kids. I tried to make it about us, but it always turned into a planning session of all the stuff we have to do with the kids for the coming week"

 

look, from this, above, tbh, the notes/mino-vacations are not what she's asking for - you've got kids but you don't care what planning is needed, in spite of your wife's having to

Edited September 23, 2012 by darkmoon

[WhatASituation]

"I would do little things, notes, little mini-vacations, just her and I to show her that I wanted to be with her and enjoyed her company. The conversations were solely about the kids. I tried to make it about us, but it always turned into a planning session of all the stuff we have to do with the kids for the coming week"

 

look, from this, above, tbh, the notes/mino-vacations are not what she's asking for - you've got kids but you don't care what planning is needed, in spite of your wife's having to

 

No that's not true at all. I am very involved with their lives, driving them here and there or attending every function they may have at school or otherwise. I spend plenty of time shuttling the kids and arranging times for them when it comes to their extra curricular activities.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Do you think your wife respects you?

[WhatASituation]

Do you think your wife respects you?

 

Hmmm...I think she does.

[TaraMaiden]

A marriage relies on, and is based upon the fundamental supports for thre relationship.These are:

 

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

If one 'leg' of this tripod is damaged or broken, the other two cannot continue to effectively sustain the relationship.

Read that again:

If one is broken, the other two, no matter if they ARE intact - cannot fill and compensate for the third.

 

Trust is the most difficult one to repair, and like an expensive fine lace garment, once a thread is pulled and broken, no matter how delicate and expert the repair, it's never as pristine or delicately perfect as it initially was.

 

Communication is often the most glaringly defective, but it's also the easiest to remedy, providing there is openness, honesty and a willingness to communicate effectively, that is....

 

Which is where Respect comes in.

 

Of course it very much depends what we mean by, or how we define, Respect. But respect means never putting the other person into a situation where their dignity integrity and position in the marriage, is compromised.

You never take their honour, place or position in vain, and you uphold their right to function fully, on equal footing, with you.

 

And I'm sorry OP, but I actually believe that this - coupled with Communication - is actually where the defect lies.

I cannot see the respect you believe exists.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Hmmm...I think she does.

 

In what specific ways do you believe she respects you?

[darkmoon]

No that's not true at all. I am very involved with their lives, driving them here and there or attending every function they may have at school or otherwise. I spend plenty of time shuttling the kids and arranging times for them when it comes to their extra curricular activities.

 

so you are responsible for driving them around and always do?

[WhatASituation]

A marriage relies on, and is based upon the fundamental supports for thre relationship.These are:

 

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

If one 'leg' of this tripod is damaged or broken, the other two cannot continue to effectively sustain the relationship.

Read that again:

If one is broken, the other two, no matter if they ARE intact - cannot fill and compensate for the third.

 

Trust is the most difficult one to repair, and like an expensive fine lace garment, once a thread is pulled and broken, no matter how delicate and expert the repair, it's never as pristine or delicately perfect as it initially was.

 

Communication is often the most glaringly defective, but it's also the easiest to remedy, providing there is openness, honesty and a willingness to communicate effectively, that is....

 

Which is where Respect comes in.

 

Of course it very much depends what we mean by, or how we define, Respect. But respect means never putting the other person into a situation where their dignity integrity and position in the marriage, is compromised.

You never take their honour, place or position in vain, and you uphold their right to function fully, on equal footing, with you.

 

And I'm sorry OP, but I actually believe that this - coupled with Communication - is actually where the defect lies.

I cannot see the respect you believe exists.

 

Excellent points Tara, I can't argue any of these especially the one about respect. Like I said earlier, if I couldn't function but she still had desire, there are things that a husband could do to take care of his wife. This is the part that says she just didn't care to me.

[WhatASituation]

so you are responsible for driving them around and always do?

 

No we share fairly equally in this. I am lucky I own a small business and have the flexibility to do the things with the kids most cannot.

[WhatASituation]

Another thing I find interesting is how society will actually put you down if you admit that you don't love your spouse anymore. You can't control how you feel and if the other party is not in the game either, well what are you supposed to do?

[Charlie Harper]

A friend of mine has this arrangement with her husband :

Even if they are mad at each other sex is not used as tool (meaning you can't use it for control) if someone wants sex, the other must do it.

Sex has to be done regularly never go without for more than 7 days tops.

 

Its amazing the results of doing this.... for better or worse.

[mem11363]

What,

You had one of child and your sex life crashed. You complained and she blame shifted with 'you only married me because I was pregnant'. This was pure blame shifting. The subtext was 'you don't really love me'. I would guess she knew that was untrue but it sure worked well because you responded with the full throttle all out 'date your wife', approach.

 

Without resolving this huge issue you then had a second and a third child each of which wS another 18 year commitment. By then she had no respect for you since she had continued to deprioritize you and you continued to keep her on the budget pedestal of marital royalty. The two of you communicated just fine: her needs mattered and yours didn't. You cannot have that dynamic and also have respect as those two are mutually exclusive.

 

TE=WhatASituation;4279165]Another thing I find interesting is how society will actually put you down if you admit that you don't love your spouse anymore. You can't control how you feel and if the other party is not in the game either, well what are you supposed to do?

[WhatASituation]

What,

You had one of child and your sex life crashed. You complained and she blame shifted with 'you only married me because I was pregnant'. This was pure blame shifting. The subtext was 'you don't really love me'. I would guess she knew that was untrue but it sure worked well because you responded with the full throttle all out 'date your wife', approach.

 

Without resolving this huge issue you then had a second and a third child each of which wS another 18 year commitment. By then she had no respect for you since she had continued to deprioritize you and you continued to keep her on the budget pedestal of marital royalty. The two of you communicated just fine: her needs mattered and yours didn't. You cannot have that dynamic and also have respect as those two are mutually exclusive.

 

TE=WhatASituation;4279165]Another thing I find interesting is how society will actually put you down if you admit that you don't love your spouse anymore. You can't control how you feel and if the other party is not in the game either, well what are you supposed to do?

 

No argument there mem, what would you do? Do you leave her because she's been disrespecting you all these years??

[mem11363]

What,

I would do two things in parallel, and would do them relentlessly :

- I would create a self improvement plan

- I would reduce my availability to her

 

Athol Kay has written a great book titled married man sex life.

I have no ties to him at all, but I do respect him and his grasp of this topic.

 

I also have a post somewhere, I can find it, that has a few pages describing the mechanics of respect/disrespect in marital interactions.

 

Very basic, specific patterns that you should look for with some simple suggestions for dealing with bad behavior.

 

I would spend a few months improving yourself, and learning how to identify and address bad behavior. In the meantime I would make only one specific recommendation: start being honest in a calm and constructive manner. If you truly don't love your wife, stop saying 'I love you'. If she challenges you on that and she may well, and just tell her that you no longer feel that way about her, and are not going to say something you don't mean. I

 

 

She may say it to you anyway - but you are going to need to better understand subtext. I because when she says 'I love you', what she means is: Do you love me?

 

She may ask why. I would be very careful answering. Very brief and truthful is always good. From your posts so far: 'I am not able to love someone unless they prioritize me and that means as a HUSBAND. If you wish to address that let me know.

 

Do not start listing her failings as a wife and her fix it to do list. This only way this might work is if she asks you: What can I do to fix it?

 

If it was me I would start with - respect, communication and trust. I I know it seems abstract bit you will quick see that it is not. I bet your wife does stuff every week that you should call her on and she should apologize for. And I am guessing little of either of those things happens. Marriage counseling could help but not unless you see commitment first and she really wants to work to save the marriage.

 

UOTE=WhatASituation;4279268]

 

No argument there mem, what would you do? Do you leave her because she's been disrespecting you all these years??