Don't love my wife or find her attractive anymore

[Leelou]

If you do end up going to the MC session (who knows, perhaps she's going to break some 'news' to you there about wanting a divorce and wants to do it in front of a counselor...) then be sure to immediately bring up the facts that she was texting a man, then after you confronted her on that, it went underground and now she's continuing it using the textnow option and that you can see the texting is excessive, that it goes on all day, everyday.

 

However, I just wanted to say that there is something wrong with your wife's thinking... her reaction of saying you 'had to marry her' instead of falling in love with you and making a family life with you was her sabotaging your marriage. Her being raped and reacting by acting out sexually was an attempt on her part to dealing with the trauma, but she dealt with it by a negative reaction which was very damaging for her. This is her pattern. She self destructs.

 

Why did she not seek IC for after her rape? Why did she not check herself in for a reality check after beginning to doubt your true intentions at getting married to her after she fell pregnant? She didn't do anything healthy. She chose each time to believe some internal story she told herself, and you lost out.

 

I seriously think MC is not what's needed here, but IC for her. As for you, you need to divorce her and move on. You married someone who consistently chooses a bad way to deal with any important issue, to the point where you become the enemy.

She compounds it by becoming emotionally involved with some man, long-distance. Let him have her. Let him deal with her 'stories' in her head. You've been crippled by her, time to move on and start afresh. She is bad for you.

[WhatASituation]

If you do end up going to the MC session (who knows, perhaps she's going to break some 'news' to you there about wanting a divorce and wants to do it in front of a counselor...) then be sure to immediately bring up the facts that she was texting a man, then after you confronted her on that, it went underground and now she's continuing it using the textnow option and that you can see the texting is excessive, that it goes on all day, everyday.

 

However, I just wanted to say that there is something wrong with your wife's thinking... her reaction of saying you 'had to marry her' instead of falling in love with you and making a family life with you was her sabotaging your marriage. Her being raped and reacting by acting out sexually was an attempt on her part to dealing with the trauma, but she dealt with it by a negative reaction which was very damaging for her. This is her pattern. She self destructs.

 

Why did she not seek IC for after her rape? Why did she not check herself in for a reality check after beginning to doubt your true intentions at getting married to her after she fell pregnant? She didn't do anything healthy. She chose each time to believe some internal story she told herself, and you lost out.

 

I seriously think MC is not what's needed here, but IC for her. As for you, you need to divorce her and move on. You married someone who consistently chooses a bad way to deal with any important issue, to the point where you become the enemy.

She compounds it by becoming emotionally involved with some man, long-distance. Let him have her. Let him deal with her 'stories' in her head. You've been crippled by her, time to move on and start afresh. She is bad for you.

 

Thank you Leelou, these are great thoughts and I agree with everything you've said here. I need IC too after this, because it feels like it's all been a lie after 16 years. That's hard for anyone to take no matter what.

 

She's moved on to using using Skout which is a "meeting" site of some sort. You can connect it to your FB account, but she has not. So the secrecy continues and the texting has picked up. I guess she's trying to find "Plan B" so as she sees the writing on the wall. I would never have guessed that if we were to separate at some point, she would do anything like this. I really don't know who this woman is!

[lovinghearted]

While my relationship hasn't been as long as your it's very similar! We got married pretty fast too and had a baby right away. I thought it was real love and would not have married him just because I was pregnant. Now we have two kids. It's been 6.5 years and I have been told we only married because I was pregnant. WE had very serious talks before we married to make sure it ws the right reason. He hasn't wanted much sex for years. It's way less than 10x a year which is what is considered a sexless marriage. I have asked nicely for years for sex and affection and tried many things to make him feel loved and special. WE have many other issues too. He has cheated on me and hasn't lived with me in 3.5 years. I feel like an idiot but stay married for the kids. He says he loves me but talk is cheap. HIs actions and years of much cruel treatment show me otherwise. It's like living hell to live like this. I hope you can find someone who treats you good!

[lovinghearted]

It's not just men who feel like slaves in a sexless marriage. It's the opposite for me. My husband doesn't want it or live with us and I feel like his slave/nanny with not deserving any of my needs met yet I am married so it's like a prison.

Just know not all woman are like her and some can relate to how you feel.

[WhatASituation]

It's not just men who feel like slaves in a sexless marriage. It's the opposite for me. My husband doesn't want it or live with us and I feel like his slave/nanny with not deserving any of my needs met yet I am married so it's like a prison.

Just know not all woman are like her and some can relate to how you feel.

 

Jeeze, I feel so bad for you reading a little bit of your story. There are a lot of men who aren't like this either and you deserve much better. We all do! So sad how marriages end up like this especially when one party is trying hard to make it work. Another poster said it's 50/50, and he's got a point. It's just a mismatch situation and there's not enough Dr. Phil on earth that's going to change it in some instances.

[stillafool]

I don't understand why you are snooping to find out what your wife is doing. If she is texting another man isn't that a good thing? Afterall you want to divorce her, don't find her attractive, and aren't in love with her. It seems this will make it easier for you to move out and move on. Why worry about what sites she is joining etc. All of this is working in your favor to move out and move forward with the divorce. I think it is good that she is apparently moving on with her life as well. I agree with others that the reason she wants to go to MC is to say "I did everything I could". At this point it is a waste of money and time to go because you already know that you are leaving no matter what.

[WhatASituation]

I don't understand why you are snooping to find out what your wife is doing. If she is texting another man isn't that a good thing? Afterall you want to divorce her, don't find her attractive, and aren't in love with her. It seems this will make it easier for you to move out and move on. Why worry about what sites she is joining etc. All of this is working in your favor to move out and move forward with the divorce. I think it is good that she is apparently moving on with her life as well. I agree with others that the reason she wants to go to MC is to say "I did everything I could". At this point it is a waste of money and time to go because you already know that you are leaving no matter what.

 

The reason why I am "snooping" is to collect evidence and use it as a trump card in case she goes ape **** on me when I tell her it's over. I want to go through the mediation process which is quicker and less costly and it doesn't drag the kids into all of this. They will be impacted enough. So if she resists, I will pull out all the evidence of her "cheating". The offer I will tender is generous, because of the kids first and foremost and you know, at the end of the day, she is still the mother of my kids. As far as feelings, I collect the router logs with no emotion as I now know 100% I'm done. I hope she finds what she is looking for because we all deserve to be happy. She's not an evil witch but we are obviously not a match for each other.

[Got it]

You don't need any evidence to go to mediation and in fact it will be a huge distraction.

 

Why fight over stuff she's going to lie about anyway? It will waste time, cost money, and cause stress.

 

Just tell her you want the divorce, go to mediation.

 

If you're asked why you just say calmly "Because she cheated on me."

 

If she denies it or asks for proof, just tell her and the mediator: "Look I'm not hear to fight with her about it. I've got sufficient information to satisfy myself that we need to get divorced. Let's get to splitting things up. If we need to go to court then I'll present my evidence. I hope that won't be necessary though."

 

She can rant and rave all she wants, let her, don't try to argue with her.

 

When she's done ranting and raving just get back to the agenda which is dividing up the assets.

 

Stay on the point and don't get distracted.

 

Have you worked through the divorce process?

 

What he is wanting to do is not a bad idea. If follows the saying, hope for the best prepare for the worst. It is better to have as much information and not need it than vice versa.

 

I would not pursue getting information that it causes one's forward progress to be stagnant but it is not ill advised to get whatever information that may have your case and be prepared in the event of the less than desirable.

[Got it]

Depending on the state, infidelity may factor is greatly in regards to alimony, assets, etc. It would behoove him to know the laws and to have the information. He doesn't have to play the card but he would be remiss in not collecting it when he has the chance.

 

I know a case where the wife left, she had had an affair, and the guy didn't really collect evidence. She has gone after him in court, gone after the money, the kids, and has made claims of child abuse, etc. He has not used the information that he could have to helped his case and he is getting the short end of the stick.

 

You never know until it is too late. It isn't personal, it's just business at that point.

[WhatASituation]

Depending on the state, infidelity may factor is greatly in regards to alimony, assets, etc. It would behoove him to know the laws and to have the information. He doesn't have to play the card but he would be remiss in not collecting it when he has the chance.

 

I know a case where the wife left, she had had an affair, and the guy didn't really collect evidence. She has gone after him in court, gone after the money, the kids, and has made claims of child abuse, etc. He has not used the information that he could have to helped his case and he is getting the short end of the stick.

 

You never know until it is too late. It isn't personal, it's just business at that point.

 

Exactly and couldn't agree more!

[holdingon76]

Sounds like a rut. Speaking from experience SO and I; 14 years 4 kids. More like roommates....it took a lot of fighting and having it out to get to the bottom of our issues and start anew and now we are more like we were in the first months of our relationship...the key is to put it all on the line...tears and fears. Seek personal counseling to help you cope. I was irritated and grossed out by SO because of years of anger and resentment and not feeling loved. We had it out and he has improved a lot, still ****ty at times but I have more moments that I am so in love with him that I forgive the little mishaps.

We are more on the same page. Although we have other issues that you should be thankful not to have as an issue...SO has Delusional Jealousy which was the cause for him treating me like **** for so long. But we are working past it and enjoying it. We go out alone together once a week and it has been great. I have made a choice to make him more important then my kids at this point. They sucked every ounce of my attention and now it is his turn...lol They will survive without me being their personal servant and referee so I can focus on my mate! So yeah make time for you and get to know eachother again without judgement.

[WhatASituation]

Sounds like a rut. Speaking from experience SO and I; 14 years 4 kids. More like roommates....it took a lot of fighting and having it out to get to the bottom of our issues and start anew and now we are more like we were in the first months of our relationship...the key is to put it all on the line...tears and fears. Seek personal counseling to help you cope. I was irritated and grossed out by SO because of years of anger and resentment and not feeling loved. We had it out and he has improved a lot, still ****ty at times but I have more moments that I am so in love with him that I forgive the little mishaps.

We are more on the same page. Although we have other issues that you should be thankful not to have as an issue...SO has Delusional Jealousy which was the cause for him treating me like **** for so long. But we are working past it and enjoying it. We go out alone together once a week and it has been great. I have made a choice to make him more important then my kids at this point. They sucked every ounce of my attention and now it is his turn...lol They will survive without me being their personal servant and referee so I can focus on my mate! So yeah make time for you and get to know eachother again without judgement.

 

I am so glad to hear a somewhat happy ending in these situations. We are too far gone, and honestly I don't even want to fix anything. I know some would say that I am a selfish ***** for being that way, but after years of this, I don't know of many people who wouldn't feel the same. Hope you guys continue on your path to happiness, I really mean that!

[WhatASituation]

Just an update...

 

So we've had several MC sessions (at least I am trying here) and honestly, it's made things worse. Things have been brought up and although I am sympathetic to her past, it still doesn't allow me to forgive what she's done to me. So here I am, waiting to be financially able to move out and seeing my kids and knowing what's on the way. It kills me, and it feels like because of her actions, soon I won't be able to see my kids on a daily basis, which feeds into resentment. Like my handle says: what a situation! I know I am not alone, but it still sucks!

[whatever1]

In total agreement with Sauron. Divorce will have long term negative consequences not only for the kids but also the two of you. There is no guarantee that things will be better for anyone after and there is also the possibility things could be worse. As mentioned on another thread, high school friends I had that came from divorced families were scarred. A current friend of mine also came from a divorced family and it shows. I think kids from divorced families can also end up more likely to get into trouble and divorced than those from stable families.

 

Maybe give a different councilor a shot? And was the first time around both you and your wife or just you for the session(s)? How about a trial separation to wake your wife up? Tell her a change needs to happen in your relationship or you finalize divorce.

 

Is there no way you can see yourself loving your wife ever again? Can you visualize that possibility?

 

You havea responsibility to your kids, even if your wife is a frigid bitch. If you have been in it for this long at least get the youngest one out of HS and into college if that's in the plan. All this BS about divorce is better than Mommy and Daddy being unhappy is just that, BS. I have seen what divorce does to kids and no one can convince me that it is better.

 

And your a man aren't you? If you don't want to have a GF on the side, go find yourself a regular escort to take care of business and wait it out until your kids are out, then decide what you want to do. Plan your exit, start stashing money and be prepared. Hopefully you are the money manager? It is a huge mistake for men to outsource money management to their wives, especially one like yours. I know cause mine sounds a lot like yours. Good luck.

[summerdowling87]

WhatASituation

 

It seems like I'm going through this w/my boyfriend of 6 years luckily for me we don't have kids.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

 

I love the guy he's my first love and I want to be with him but I'm tired of trying.

 

But in my heart I'm not quite ready to move on so I'm at a loss.

[summerdowling87]

Honestly, I just want to be alone for a while. If another woman comes by, then great. Sure, I could have an affair, then I'd be dealing with two women and quite frankly, one is enough. I need to heal too and bring as few bags to any future relationship as I can!

 

I say if you do divorced.

 

Go through that process and be alone for a while let yourself heal.

 

And in time you will find a woman that wants to be with you in the way you need.

 

Don't cheat.

[WhatASituation]

In total agreement with Sauron. Divorce will have long term negative consequences not only for the kids but also the two of you. There is no guarantee that things will be better for anyone after and there is also the possibility things could be worse. As mentioned on another thread, high school friends I had that came from divorced families were scarred. A current friend of mine also came from a divorced family and it shows. I think kids from divorced families can also end up more likely to get into trouble and divorced than those from stable families.

 

Maybe give a different councilor a shot? And was the first time around both you and your wife or just you for the session(s)? How about a trial separation to wake your wife up? Tell her a change needs to happen in your relationship or you finalize divorce.

 

Is there no way you can see yourself loving your wife ever again? Can you visualize that possibility?

 

My parents divorced when I was around 9. I stayed in this marriage without cheating but she cheated and quite honestly, has taken me for granted on top of it. I am sure I've made mistakes throughout the whole marriage as well, I am willing to accept and own that.

 

I honestly can't see loving her like I have before. I just have indifference towards her now. If she's still talking to OM's, well more power to her. She keeps her phone on her hip, I just leave mine on a table charging. So whatever.

 

I am actually a proponent of marriage and believe in trying to work things through but at some point, the marriage can be a dead corpse. It's best to bury it before it starts to rot and get very stinky.

[Got it]

In total agreement with Sauron. Divorce will have long term negative consequences not only for the kids but also the two of you. There is no guarantee that things will be better for anyone after and there is also the possibility things could be worse. As mentioned on another thread, high school friends I had that came from divorced families were scarred. A current friend of mine also came from a divorced family and it shows. I think kids from divorced families can also end up more likely to get into trouble and divorced than those from stable families.

 

Maybe give a different councilor a shot? And was the first time around both you and your wife or just you for the session(s)? How about a trial separation to wake your wife up? Tell her a change needs to happen in your relationship or you finalize divorce.

 

Is there no way you can see yourself loving your wife ever again? Can you visualize that possibility?

 

And you can find just as many horror stories and studies on children in homes with fighting parents. I can attest to that.

 

My parents divorced and it was a relief for all of us. My parents were able to be more healthy parents divorced than married.

[whatever1]

But what if their situation isn't a horror story? Is the OP' story currently a horror concerning the kids? Are they loved and well cared for? Are there alot of nasty arguments and a generally negative environment for the kids? And after the divorce who knows what new situations will unfold. It could be worse. This will always be a question mark.

 

In certain circumstances I think divorce could be considered. Such physical or severe emotional abuse. But even then there is help and situations can change in some cases for the better.

 

After a divorce children tend to be neglected as both parties are trying to heal their wounds and look for a new future which usually results in putting their energies into finding and keeping a new partner which doesn't leave much time or energies for the the kids who are suffering already.

 

Aren't the success rates for second time marriages quite low which get even lower as each new marriage is entered into?

 

What about a separation that is conditioned upon the wife making true observable changes in her life? If these don't happen then move on? Why move straight to a divorce?

 

 

And you can find just as many horror stories and studies on children in homes with fighting parents. I can attest to that.

 

My parents divorced and it was a relief for all of us. My parents were able to be more healthy parents divorced than married.

[whatever1]

Do think it is possible that your wife could come totally clean, admit the truths of this marriage good and bad, and then spend the energy required to make it up to you and change into a wife that you could love? Or do you see this as impossible? What has your wife done and said concerning this topic area?

 

Marriage isn't about perfection. It seems the you have seen that both of your are human and have made mistakes. And you didn't say you ruled out loving her again. You just said in the previous way. To me marriage does evolve through stages which are different from the others. The indifference could be changed by a change in your wife's actions toward you? How badly does she want to change for you if at all? This could make the difference?

 

My parents divorced when I was around 9. I stayed in this marriage without cheating but she cheated and quite honestly, has taken me for granted on top of it. I am sure I've made mistakes throughout the whole marriage as well, I am willing to accept and own that.

 

I honestly can't see loving her like I have before. I just have indifference towards her now. If she's still talking to OM's, well more power to her. She keeps her phone on her hip, I just leave mine on a table charging. So whatever.

 

I am actually a proponent of marriage and believe in trying to work things through but at some point, the marriage can be a dead corpse. It's best to bury it before it starts to rot and get very stinky.

[whatever1]

But divorce really is the luck of the draw so to speak. My brother in laws ex suddenly left him and the two kids so that she could have sex with others. After the resulting divorce it has been pure hell for my brother in law because divorce does not mean the end - in fact there are still many issues to deal with for many years to come with your ex especially if you have kids.

 

Apparently the ex makes things very difficult when it comes to joint decisions concerning the kids. She tries to torture him on this every chance she gets and even uses the opportunity to make accusations against my brother in law who is one of the finest men and fathers I have ever known.

 

My state requires a year separation before divorce so we just waiting that out. We did not have attorneys. He moved on quickly as well and is now married to the girl he started dating a few months after our split. They actually just had their first child.

 

I know the biggest piece for us was we didn't have kids together, made the same income, and the only thing negative was a house underwater. But there wasn't either party that felt they needed to "hang" on to the other for financial or offspring reasons.

 

My parents divorced amicably when the youngest turned 18 and it was a very quiet divorce without any major negativity. My father gave my mom the proceeds from the house (outside of paying off some debt) so she could buy another/smaller place. They have proceeded in that light since then and have remained amicable. In fact they have gone on vacation together multiple times.

 

While my parents may not have done marriage right they have definitely done divorce right and truly put the kids first and made sure that everyone gets alone and can still do things together. Regardless of their marital status and whether they are dating, we are still a family. Just a little different than before. It didn't have to die just because they divorced. It takes both parties actively working toward that but I have a lot of respect for them for doing so.

 

That is the approach I have taken with my ex. It doesn't have to be this black and white, doom and gloom, thing. Just a transition.

[Got it]

But what if their situation isn't a horror story? Is the OP' story currently a horror concerning the kids? Are they loved and well cared for? Are there alot of nasty arguments and a generally negative environment for the kids? And after the divorce who knows what new situations will unfold. It could be worse. This will always be a question mark.

 

In certain circumstances I think divorce could be considered. Such physical or severe emotional abuse. But even then there is help and situations can change in some cases for the better.

 

After a divorce children tend to be neglected as both parties are trying to heal their wounds and look for a new future which usually results in putting their energies into finding and keeping a new partner which doesn't leave much time or energies for the the kids who are suffering already.

 

Aren't the success rates for second time marriages quite low which get even lower as each new marriage is entered into?

 

What about a separation that is conditioned upon the wife making true observable changes in her life? If these don't happen then move on? Why move straight to a divorce?

 

Since many BS argue that an affair is severe emotional abuse, then I would argue that yes there is severe emotional abuse happening here.

 

So basically your argument is the devil known is better than the devil unknown. Sounds like a recipe for success.

[whatever1]

Yeah but the OP doesn't seem to take it the way you suggest.

 

Since many BS argue that an affair is severe emotional abuse, then I would argue that yes there is severe emotional abuse happening here.

 

So basically your argument is the devil known is better than the devil unknown. Sounds like a recipe for success.