Don't love my wife or find her attractive anymore

[veryhappy]

You are doing things right, and I'm amazed you haven't been tempted to have an affair. Solve your situation before that happens. I suspect it will be very hard to leave even with no OW in the picture. I encourage you to take action, because your life will not get better or become different without it.

[WhatASituation]

You are doing things right, and I'm amazed you haven't been tempted to have an affair. Solve your situation before that happens. I suspect it will be very hard to leave even with no OW in the picture. I encourage you to take action, because your life will not get better or become different without it.

 

Honestly, I just want to be alone for a while. If another woman comes by, then great. Sure, I could have an affair, then I'd be dealing with two women and quite frankly, one is enough. I need to heal too and bring as few bags to any future relationship as I can!

[veryhappy]

You are right about that. In the words of my fMM "no man out there would want to be in a firestorm with two women".

 

I hope you keep posting, because you are doing exactly what the correct thing is supposed to be, getting a divorce before getting involved with somebody else, and I'm interested to see how it works.

 

Good luck!

[mem11363]

Lucky,

Let me get this straight. I want to "augment" your post below. I have this "thing" about hearing the unspoken/sub-audible part of statements. So humor me. Sub-audible part is in CAPS for clarity:

>>>>>>>

The FEMALE mind is a pretty delicate thing. A person may think that they are coping well mentally, but the issues manifest in physical ways.

>>>>>>>

 

And now I will frame a question. What impact do you think the following situation has on a person:

1. You fall in love with someone and are vulnerable to them

2. They entice you into marrying them - entering into a legal and moral vow of monogamy - forsaking all others for you

3. The proceed to engage in a multi-decade game of deception during which they simply are not willing to flat out say "I do not desire you, don't see that changing and if we stay together I will reject you again and again in doing so eat away at your self esteem like acid.

4. In the meantime they exploit your love for them and use your sexually starved state to their advantage. And when you ask direct questions, they look you in the eye and lie to you.

 

Eventually of course you don't "like them anymore" and they start looking for your replacement.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1. Abuse of physical power to obtain sex.

 

2. Abuse of sexual power to obtain just about anything you want from a partner who loves you.

 

Switch the genders and my comments remain unchanged.

 

 

I doubt I would want to have healthy sexual relations with a man who said that I was "claiming" to have an illness or a pre-existing condition.

 

I call it sexual assault, because the OP called it rape.

 

The mind is a pretty delicate thing. A person may think that they are coping well mentally, but the issues manifest in physical ways. There could even be hormonal issues that are causing her to have abnormally low libido, and an actual medical check-up could be a really important step, as well.

 

I am personally loathe to jump onto a "get a divorce" bandwagon until underlying issues are worked on jointly. I have been divorced, it isn't great for children, it isn't great for society, and I don't like throwing babies out with bathwater.

[WhatASituation]

Thank you LFH and Mem, enough is enough. I've begged her to go to counseling early in the relationship, and even though she did, she didn't "like" them. I said I bet there are more than two counselors in this city. She never went to look for any others. I was willing to work on it, she clearly was not. Now the damage is done, she wants to try MC and I just don't want to anymore. I'm going to IC for me, but that's only for me as selfish as that may sound to some.

[AnotherRound]

Thank you LFH and Mem, enough is enough. I've begged her to go to counseling early in the relationship, and even though she did, she didn't "like" them. I said I bet there are more than two counselors in this city. She never went to look for any others. I was willing to work on it, she clearly was not. Now the damage is done, she wants to try MC and I just don't want to anymore. I'm going to IC for me, but that's only for me as selfish as that may sound to some.

 

I don't think it's selfish at all, although I'm sure she will attempt to make you feel that it is. If you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could do with your half of the relationship, there isn't any reason to feel guilt, as far as I'm concerned. She is not, and has not, been interested in being a true SO to you - that kind of null and voids the marriage in my opinion. I think she is now clinging bc she senses that you are serious, and realizes that maybe she had her "tantrum" for too long now, and is trying to "take it back". Eh, actions have consequences, and manipulating you didn't work out quite the way she had it planned out in her head it sounds like... sucks for her that she misjudged it, but it's not your problem.

 

She broke the vows. Changed the rules on you AFTER you were legally bound - AND decided that it worked for her, so big deal about your needs. That, to me, is WORSE than anything else that can be done to a partner in a relationship - as it just kind of traps them in a situation that they didn't agree to but are expected to soldier out no matter what. Ugh. You deserve to be in a real relationship with someone that desires you on ALL levels - not just someone that wants you to help out around the house, take out the trash, help with the kids - but has NO intention of being a true partner to you.

 

I think you are doing the right thing in this situation, and I feel sad for any man that is with her in that she will probably pull this again on someone else down the line. It is why men often avoid marriage at all costs, this type of behavior is almost expected from women. And, your children deserve to see you BOTH happy, not just her - and you will be even more present with them then bc you will be in such a better place.

 

Good luck to you - I'm betting that later on you will look back and wonder why you waited so long. You are not obligated to stay in ANY contract with anyone of any type that the other person has already backed out of - not even marriage, though I know some would like us to believe that we are. Contracts can be broken without a legal breaking, and everyone knows that - some just want to deny it or pretend that some breaking of the marriage contract is worse than others. A break is a break - legal or not.

[Got it]

Thank you LFH and Mem, enough is enough. I've begged her to go to counseling early in the relationship, and even though she did, she didn't "like" them. I said I bet there are more than two counselors in this city. She never went to look for any others. I was willing to work on it, she clearly was not. Now the damage is done, she wants to try MC and I just don't want to anymore. I'm going to IC for me, but that's only for me as selfish as that may sound to some.

 

There isn't an easy way to tally things up so you can show to anyone and everyone, "see here is the list and I am too far in the red to not close my doors". It just doesn't work like that. For me it was when the bad outweighed the good in most areas for a prolonged period of time. When the idea of putting in more effort was exhausting and I was trying to keep my head above water.

 

It is this point in yourself where the idea of divorce is met with a feeling of peace and acceptance.

 

Sometimes a door shuts and it can't reopen. That is the risk of taking something/someone for granted for too long. At some point it won't be available.

[MilitantPacifist]

Thread tl;dr.

 

Your thread title kind of sums it up though.

 

No emotional attachment, and no sexual interest?

 

Survey says.. divorce.

 

I'm sorry but those are the two dimensions that make a relationship. The third dimension (the intellectual) is something you can find with just a friend.

[WhatASituation]

It is this point in yourself where the idea of divorce is met with a feeling of peace and acceptance.

 

This is exactly where I am at. This idea doesn't scare me anymore and I am looking forward to being with my kids, alone, and away from her. I don't hate her and I refuse to do so, and I wish her only happiness.

 

I feel like I am in my 20's again looking forward to the future! I can't describe how this feels!!

[stillafool]

 

They can get divorced, and if and when she finally gets her act together, she can try to resume the relationship with OP--if he's still available that is.

 

No she can't, he doesn't want her. His title to this thread says it all.

[stillafool]

This is exactly where I am at. This idea doesn't scare me anymore and I am looking forward to being with my kids, alone, and away from her. I don't hate her and I refuse to do so, and I wish her only happiness.

 

I feel like I am in my 20's again looking forward to the future! I can't describe how this feels!!

 

Good for you! When are you planning on leaving?

[2sunny]

This is exactly where I am at. This idea doesn't scare me anymore and I am looking forward to being with my kids, alone, and away from her. I don't hate her and I refuse to do so, and I wish her only happiness.

 

I feel like I am in my 20's again looking forward to the future! I can't describe how this feels!!

 

Mainly because you checked out of an abusive M - and that's better for YOU - when I no longer realized that I didn't have to put up with someone looking for things I'd done wrong (in their eyes) and finding reasons to make me feel badly about myself - it was a relief to get away from that abusive behavior.

 

Loving someone should NOT include a person making the other feel badly about themself!

 

She wasn't honest with you - without the truth - you had no basis for a healthy M.

[WhatASituation]

I've posted earlier that I discovered my wife had these texts from some guy she knew in high school and when I confronted her, it all stopped the very next day. Her iPhone uses wi-fi and having been an IT guy, the router keeps logs of websites visited. Her iPhone is using TextNow and not only can you text with it, but you can also have voice calls on it. She's on it quite a bit so I guess she's figured out another way on how to communicate with whomever.

 

Here's the kicker, I don't even care! I think several years ago I would've marched upstairs and confront her but I almost find this as a "pass" to continue with my plans of leaving her. I really don't know who this woman is I married!

[strongnrelaxed]

Been married for 15 years. I just feel dead inside, frustrated, trapped, rejected and not knowing what to do really. I am seriously thinking about leaving her, she can't be happy either. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading!

 

A few thoughts:

 

- First, skip marriage counseling. This is a ploy to get one spouse on board with the divorce preparations the other is already making. It ends this way all too often.

 

- Hold on tight. You may be blamed and attacked for saying this here. Stand firm though.

 

- Your wife stopped giving you sex because you are her slave now. Look around these forums. You are not the only man experiencing this. If you go to other forums with more men, you will find that Millions of men are in a similar boat. That's right MILLIONS.

 

If you think you have freedom, try to exercise it. I dare you to try. You may reply by saying "Hey SNR, I can go to the store anytime I want. I can hang out with a friend once in a while. I can pick my own dessert when we go to a restaurant" Dig deep on this one. Stay late at work, get sick for more than an hour. Watch TV for a day to veg out and relax (but be sure to give her a day to relax first). Do anything that gives you pleasure for more than just a fleeting time. Then watch her reactions. Don't argue with me. Just do it and observe. You know this to be true, and you don't need to convince ME of anything. Maybe she is different than the rest.

 

If you get a divorce, God help you brother. You will find out just how much a slave you are and will become after that. Wow. Will you ever. In fact, based on the patterns of behavior I have seen here and elsewhere, I suspect that she is angling for a divorce already. This is how it starts. She cannot just ask for a divorce out of the blue. Something in women precludes them from doing this. I think it is a justification game. "He wants sex all the time and I am tired from the babies. I was raped and he just doesn't understand all my womanly pressures. Woe is me. I want a divorce from this creepy sex addict."

 

You cannot say I didn't warn you.

 

Most women know this and they can just coast after they have locked you in with a few kids and a few years of marriage. If you get boring, slack off, expect fairness, or do any one of a thousand minor transgressions, you are cut off. Sex is a powerful weapon primarily because she controls it. If you stray and cheat you are SUPER screwed. If you look at porn, you are a pervert. If you even THINK about it (ie Covet they neighbor's wife) you are committing a mortal sin. Yes, a thought crime is a mortal sin. If you look at another woman walking by, you are an *********. If you mention your issue to her, you are a weak beta male with no balls. If you remain silent you do not know how to "Communicate properly". If you talk to a male friend, you are a whiner who needs to "man up and stop bitching like a little wash woman" if you talk this over with a female friend, you are a cheater.

 

See how nicely this all works against you?

 

She has you dude. I am so truly sorry to hear this. I just went through a very similar circumstance myself, so I can empathize big time.

 

I also hate to break it to you, but women need sex too. When they stop getting sex from their main man, you have to wonder about that. Too many men get pissed at the messenger on this one. "Screw you! How dare you! I am 100% sure my wife is not like that! Not all women are like that. You are just bitter...SNR you loser".

 

I know, I know. I am. Let it out if you must. Then go back and start doing your homework. If you do not like what I am saying then look around this site. You will see story after story confirming what I am saying. Kill the messenger if you must. But do your homework.

 

Also pay close attention to the words women here use when they attack men. You have to read very carefully and critically. They are not that smart and they trip themselves up if you know how to follow a logical argument. This will tell you all you need to know about women and how they set such things up. I have had such a great education here.

 

I am intentionally not saying anything too explicitly bad here - just hinting at what needs to be done. Make up your own mind.

 

Good luck....

[2sunny]

I've posted earlier that I discovered my wife had these texts from some guy she knew in high school and when I confronted her, it all stopped the very next day. Her iPhone uses wi-fi and having been an IT guy, the router keeps logs of websites visited. Her iPhone is using TextNow and not only can you text with it, but you can also have voice calls on it. She's on it quite a bit so I guess she's figured out another way on how to communicate with whomever.

 

Here's the kicker, I don't even care! I think several years ago I would've marched upstairs and confront her but I almost find this as a "pass" to continue with my plans of leaving her. I really don't know who this woman is I married!

 

So now she just takes her sneakiness underground even more.

 

She's not willing to be honest - so there's no basis for love and respect within this marriage.

 

She's giving evidence that she's not invested in the M - she's invested in the A.

[WhatASituation]

So now she just takes her sneakiness underground even more.

 

She's not willing to be honest - so there's no basis for love and respect within this marriage.

 

She's giving evidence that she's not invested in the M - she's invested in the A.

 

Yes and she's texting like crazy so I think this would be considered an EA for sure. I do have female friends and I do not text them like this, no way.

 

Just makes it easier to exit and I have plans to do so.

[WhatASituation]

A few thoughts:

 

- First, skip marriage counseling. This is a ploy to get one spouse on board with the divorce preparations the other is already making. It ends this way all too often.

 

- Hold on tight. You may be blamed and attacked for saying this here. Stand firm though.

 

- Your wife stopped giving you sex because you are her slave now. Look around these forums. You are not the only man experiencing this. If you go to other forums with more men, you will find that Millions of men are in a similar boat. That's right MILLIONS.

 

If you think you have freedom, try to exercise it. I dare you to try. You may reply by saying "Hey SNR, I can go to the store anytime I want. I can hang out with a friend once in a while. I can pick my own dessert when we go to a restaurant" Dig deep on this one. Stay late at work, get sick for more than an hour. Watch TV for a day to veg out and relax (but be sure to give her a day to relax first). Do anything that gives you pleasure for more than just a fleeting time. Then watch her reactions. Don't argue with me. Just do it and observe. You know this to be true, and you don't need to convince ME of anything. Maybe she is different than the rest.

 

If you get a divorce, God help you brother. You will find out just how much a slave you are and will become after that. Wow. Will you ever. In fact, based on the patterns of behavior I have seen here and elsewhere, I suspect that she is angling for a divorce already. This is how it starts. She cannot just ask for a divorce out of the blue. Something in women precludes them from doing this. I think it is a justification game. "He wants sex all the time and I am tired from the babies. I was raped and he just doesn't understand all my womanly pressures. Woe is me. I want a divorce from this creepy sex addict."

 

You cannot say I didn't warn you.

 

Most women know this and they can just coast after they have locked you in with a few kids and a few years of marriage. If you get boring, slack off, expect fairness, or do any one of a thousand minor transgressions, you are cut off. Sex is a powerful weapon primarily because she controls it. If you stray and cheat you are SUPER screwed. If you look at porn, you are a pervert. If you even THINK about it (ie Covet they neighbor's wife) you are committing a mortal sin. Yes, a thought crime is a mortal sin. If you look at another woman walking by, you are an *********. If you mention your issue to her, you are a weak beta male with no balls. If you remain silent you do not know how to "Communicate properly". If you talk to a male friend, you are a whiner who needs to "man up and stop bitching like a little wash woman" if you talk this over with a female friend, you are a cheater.

 

See how nicely this all works against you?

 

She has you dude. I am so truly sorry to hear this. I just went through a very similar circumstance myself, so I can empathize big time.

 

I also hate to break it to you, but women need sex too. When they stop getting sex from their main man, you have to wonder about that. Too many men get pissed at the messenger on this one. "Screw you! How dare you! I am 100% sure my wife is not like that! Not all women are like that. You are just bitter...SNR you loser".

 

I know, I know. I am. Let it out if you must. Then go back and start doing your homework. If you do not like what I am saying then look around this site. You will see story after story confirming what I am saying. Kill the messenger if you must. But do your homework.

 

Also pay close attention to the words women here use when they attack men. You have to read very carefully and critically. They are not that smart and they trip themselves up if you know how to follow a logical argument. This will tell you all you need to know about women and how they set such things up. I have had such a great education here.

 

I am intentionally not saying anything too explicitly bad here - just hinting at what needs to be done. Make up your own mind.

 

Good luck....

 

I agree with most of your points SNR. Now with her secret texting via a free texting app, I don't know who this woman I married is anymore. At this point, I don't care if I have to start over financially, I just want to make sure the kids are taken care of. I have all of the router logs proving she's using this application, and for long periods of time. I am going to continue to accrue evidence of any EA's to use as a bargaining chip. Sad how it's come to this.

[WhatASituation]

Question for you guys...I'm still moving ahead with the plan for divorce but am scratching my head on something. My STBXW is using a free texting app on her iPhone to text a person or persons ferociously. I mean, it starts as soon as she wakes up and is all day long going strong and has been for days. I had a friend of mine suggest it could be a female friend trying to console her, but why keep it secret and what friend texts ALL day long like this? Here's the question, she has actually scheduled a MC session for next Thursday (I really don't want to go). Why schedule it?! Clearly, she's done and I know she knows I am, so why on earth do this? I'm curious what you guys think.

[GorillaTheater]

It could be anything or nothing. Don't try to mind-read; your best bet is to calmly observe from 36,000 feet (in other words, from a detached state of mind).

 

I might be inclined to go to the MC appointment, if for no other reason than to see whether any useful information is to be had.

[veryhappy]

My exMM tried to convince me he was going to MC to make her see that they need to get divorced. Ended up staying, I'm pretty sure he signed up for even more chores and doing things for the promise of some sex.

 

I would advise against going to MC, unless you want an extra year of marriage. She'll cry you haven't tried. I would tell her "I'm getting a divorce, are you on the same page?" and follow through with filing, knowing where you stand with her.

[WhatASituation]

@Gorilla: Oh I've been casually observing for days now and haven't even confronted her about the mystery texts just yet. I really think this MC is a waste of time.

 

@Doug: Good point, I'm sure she's told her mom and friends something. This way she can say, "Well I tried to go to MC but HE didn't go!"

 

@cutedragon: I can't take another year of this. I'd rather have open heart surgery with no anesthesia than to put up with anymore of this. I'm carrying out my plans to leave, but I am not quite there yet. I need just a couple more weeks. Even that's going to feel like years.

 

Her mood swings have become worse. One minute she's high as a kite, the next she's ready to rip off heads. It's like she's having "problems" with her boyfriend(s).

[veryhappy]

Being just out of an A, I can confirm that the mood swings can be from that. One nice email and you're high as a kite, or you don't hear from the guy or there are problems in paradise and suddenly you take it out on the H.

 

I recommend you ask what goals she has for MC. It might be entertaining to hear.

[WhatASituation]

Being just out of an A, I can confirm that the mood swings can be from that. One nice email and you're high as a kite, or you don't hear from the guy or there are problems in paradise and suddenly you take it out on the H.

 

I recommend you ask what goals she has for MC. It might be entertaining to hear.

 

I know exactly what she is going to say : "I want to repair this marriage, I love you". Blah blah blah (I know, real mature, but sheeze)!

[veryhappy]

That's so sweet of her. Follow up with "Can you go into specifics? What issues do you want to address and think would repair our M?". In exMM case, she mentioned sex last. Why wouldn't she, she wasn't bothered by it, he was. You might find her response entertaining, as I was saying.

[strongnrelaxed]

 

I am going to continue to accrue evidence of any EA's to use as a bargaining chip. Sad how it's come to this.

 

Yes. Sadly this is something you can do. More importantly you should contact a divorce attorney. Listen to the others here. Your woman is likely cheating. I hate to say this because I did not want to hear this either. But what is more important is that you move forward.

 

Keep in mind that she is a woman and she will blame you for everything whether you cheated or not. Whether you have proof or not. Whether you initiate the breakup or she does.

 

This is how women are these days. I know, not all women are like that - but too many are.

 

So be prepared for some people in your life to take her side no matter how good you have been and no matter how bad she has been. This betrayal will be the hardest of all I can assure you.

 

Be patient with them. The do not know better. And whatever you do, do not post anything negative about women on this site! Not until you are feeling better.

 

Good luck buddy. You will be ok.