Why the Sudden Denial and Switch?

[AnneMargaret]

Greetings to all, new poster. I would like to submit my story to this marriage/life partnership page because I would like the perspective of those who have been in long-time relationships.

 

 

As they say around here, I apologize up front for the length.

 

A gentleman whom I have known "off and on" for over ten years, highly educated, very attractive, late 50s, once married, recently contacted me during a visit I made to his city. We live in different countries, actually. But he and I always had an intense intellectual affinity for each other and strong physical attraction. We were always at "different places, different times" along the way, but a spark always remained. I am in my early 40s, look late twenties (this is not to be obnoxious, but to just give some visuals) and have a brilliant intellectual career.

 

Before my visit, we talked quite a bit, everything very nice, light and, at the same time, deep.

 

During my visit, he and I got along famously, and our attraction deepened. I initiated no personal conversations. He did, asking me about my views of marriage, kids, where to live, the "futility" of long distance, and so on. I wish to stress that this was all his doing. I was shocked, in fact, and pleasantly surprised.

 

We were intimate, but there was no sex. And in fact this man--this former playboy--said to me: "I don't want to make love and then see you just go away, I want it only in the context of a relationship together". This was all his initiative.

 

Then I went to visit a relative for a week. He called me every day, to talk, and this for about an hour each time. Again, I just "went with it", and our discussions covered the world and every problem in it, and then he would veer it to the personal once more, telling me about his circumstances, finances, views of the future, my beauty, my mind, did I want kids and the rest of it. During this I was "warm yet cool"--cool in the sense of just going along, but pleasantly.

 

The final day we were together was an entire afternoon that was walks, talks, fun and then once more he veered the conversation into the personal, talking about how a relationship can only happen if the two people are in the same place--even if the "place" were to be my neck of the woods.

 

When I returned abroad, he began to call each night, or every other night, and at one point said, "Why don't you consider repatriation"? (to the States) and also said that his being abroad was a possible option ("possible" in the sense that his work has him more landlocked than I, who am more mobile as a journalist).

 

Now the However that has me very bewildered. I hope someone my help me:

 

Before our next conversation, I was excited by the idea of cultivating this seed. But, I thought: I will not just pack up and go, that is too much. Yet, I would be willing to spend about a month overseas (assuming finances would cover it) and to see him in a consistent kind of way, but without any intention to smother, cajole, ruin the charm of things. I had the idea of staying at a residence of a female friend or hotel (Not with him, I did not want to "push"). I felt that keeping up the "momentum" in this sense would be a good idea.

 

In one conversation when he mentioned moving back I said, cautiously:

 

"I don't think you want me to show up at your door with my suitcases, do you?"

 

He replied, "Show up with one!"

 

I took this to mean: Let's not overdo it, but yes, I am interested in your being here, and possibly with me for some time.

 

When we spoke, after an hour long political-social-humorous conversation (as usual, which I do enjoy), I mentioned this idea just in a kind of sidebar, almost shy way. I also said "It would be nice to spend a couple of those nights with you".

 

He clammed right up and became VERY defensive, almost prickly. This came out of nowhere. He said that he had only meant that my coming over was if I felt like being in the States personally, not on his account. I did say that, if I felt like being in the States personally I would be there, but that I thought he was interested himself in my being there. Then he said he would "not be comfortable" with the idea of my coming to visit and staying with him a few nights. This, after the nature of discussion I have described above (!)

 

(Also: When I was seeing him it was always at his place or somewhere and then returning to his place. So, no wife hidden somewhere. I say once more, there was no sex so "leading me on" was not an issue in that regard)

 

I said that I would never move back "like that" and that pressure was not my intention. Then I said if I could not come over and spend a few nights with him, then I did not understand where he was coming from with so many intense topics of discussion between us that he brought up, not I.

 

It did not end well, as you can imagine, I felt/feel "misled". Please keep in mind I was talking about another visit, before any further moves. At NO TIME did I start getting clingy or any of that. He was the "pursuer" in all of this.

 

An argument entailed and I said to him in a curt way, "If you want to see me again, you'll have to come to Europe". I heard a faint "absolutely!" as I was putting the phone down, as I was somewhat disgusted and did not want to talk further. (I have mainly been on his side of the pond over the years, always business/personal related).

 

Please---from anyone--some insight as to what I have misunderstood here. Answers from men also very appreciated

 

PS. While he is free to see whom he wants to see not being formally committed to me in any way, he did say to me at one point that he had no relationship going on. I assumed he did (after all I am here he is there), but the intensity of his conversation with me led me to believe that I was his clear-cut interest. There was no sex, as I say, so this could not have been "mere" seduction.

Edited September 23, 2012 by AnneMargaret

[happyme]

Anne Margaret you poor love.... no replies as yet.... yay!! You have us speechless... congratulations...!!

 

Do I have any advice? The only thing I would say is: ask him.

 

All the best,