3-ways, hall passes...i think this is spinning out of control

[Raka]

My current boyfriend whom i share a child with, i had cheated on him in the very beginning of our relationship several times.

 

A bit of a background on me for a better understanding of what im going through and why i saw the world as i did before. I was molested at a young age(maybe around 6?) I can barely remember anything but parts of before and afters, i never told anyone about it until years later i told my brother, who told my parents and i cant recall their reaction but nothing was done of it, and i have no idea who it was. Why i was in the situation, my parents where/are drug abusers. My mom would leave me with strange babysitters while her and my step dad went out or locked us in our rooms, locked us out of their room for hours. 6 of us children total but only happened to me and my sister. my sister had it happen more than i did since i only recall the once but she admitted to me having it happen to her several times. My mother gave me the birds and bee's talk once when she was sober and i was just about 18, long after all my problems had started.

 

I first started having sex when i was around 15/16 and i foudn my boyfriend at the time repulsive, i had not emotional or physical attraction to him at all. I had never been asked out or had anyone confess their love to me and i felt desperately in need of love, acceptance and all the other things a relationship could provide. After dumping this boy around 10 times i finally moved on to another boy who i dated for a month or two no having any sexual relationship with but things ended up splitting ways. Then a boy i had a crush on through all grade and high school finally admitted to me that he had a crush on me too. we dated for around 5 months, he ended up buying me a ring for my birthday after i moved 30 minutes away. I ended up losing the ring and felt so bad that i couldnt face him and broke it off saying that i just thought the long distance was too much. he was a pretty amazing guy though.

 

Then i ended up going into a lan center and became friends with the owner who happened to a transgender male to female(in transition). we dated for around a under a year until problems arose from me becoming addicted to a game she had bought me, WoW. I had met my now lover on there while still dating her. I ended up breaking it off with her, jumping to him, breaking it off with him trying to jump back to her but she moved on and i was heart broken. I ended up in a deep depression, couldnt eat because even the smell of food made my stomach turn, i was cutting myself, one night walked alone side the highway for 4 hours to her house to give her a rose. In the end she still rejected me and it was for the better even though i couldnt see it then.

 

I ended up spiraling though, ended up sleeping with guys i wouldnt have slept with before(i wasnt attracted to them in anyway) but i had this feeling like i didnt want to be alone, i needed attention, i wanted to be loved.

 

I ended up calling my ex who i had met on the video game and we repaired our relationship. I went down to visit him 2,000 miles away from my home at just over 17 years old. Right before i left my best friend (female) ended up touching me and we had our first cheat experience. right when we got down i had sex with him, him being a virgin. then a week later i had to go back to my home town. We talked on the phone for 3 more months, and i have no idea what went though my mind or what but i ended up sleeping with 2 other guys, my beginning boyfriend who i found repulsive and another guy who i was attracted to but not attracted to his personality. Then right before i left again my friend touched me yet again. I felt like i was desperately looking for someone to tell me no dont go i want to be with you, i want you do be mine. but no one stopped me and i hoped on that plain one day before my 18th birthday to never return.

 

 

Now fast forward, just about 5 years later. I now have a child who is 3 years old. Still with the same guy, havent cheated since, and i was almost to the point where i could have been happy. But the past trudges up. My boyfriend has been asking me permission for him to sleep around, or for me to join him in a 3 way with another girl saying that he's curious because he's never got to sleep with anyone and i have. That i dont have a right to set rules on the relationship sine i cheated first. Of course i objected, but he says weather i like it or not its probably going to happen one day with or without me knowing. Now im at a point where i dont even know what to do. I know what i did in the past was wrong, stupid, immoral, relationship wrecker and i wish i could go back in time and tell myself that i was a stupid kid and to just wait.

 

I dont think i have the strength to take him back like he did for me in the past. I have bared all to him, shared my whole life these past 5 years and i feel like he should love me for who i am today and not hate me for what i ****ed up on before. I constantly feel like im not good enough for him because i had gained weight during pregnancy and havent really lost it, and him being a honest tell all guy said "I was good enough for him" when i first came down now i feel like ill never measure up to my body before.

 

Lately he was been pressuring me into a 3-way with his guy friend and i asked him why it wouldnt hurt him if another guy screwed me and he said that it didnt matter to him anymore since i had already cheated on him and that special part of me to him was gone. Which made me feel used and pretty much like his whore while in bed. We actually started out getting into it with his friend but before anything serious happened i said i needed to use the bathroom. The whole time leading up to that point i was thinking in my head, i dont want to do this, why am i doing this(the same way i felt every time i cheated/had sex before) When the point of being able to sneak off to the bathroom arose i did. I sat there for a good 10 minutes thinking while my boyfriend kept popping in saying hey you coming out? I didnt want to tell him no, i just kept saying i dont know, but i knew i didnt want to. He started pushing me out of the bathroom and back into the other room until i looked him into the eyes and said i dont want to do this and sat in another room. This was the first time I had come close to cheating(not sure if it was since he wanted it but thats how i felt of it) in 5 years. I told him i do think that it is a fantasy for me but i dont want to try it, but he still feels like he and his friend can talk me into it again.

 

I dont doubt he loves me as a person/my personality but sexually i dont think he views me right. I love this man, even though his sexual views are seriously ****ed up, and i know i played a part in creating him this way. I just want to fix this. I dont want him to sleep with another woman to see how it feels with someone else, i dont want him to view me as a sexual object in bed, i want him to boast that i am his, that i am special to him, I want him to respect me again.

 

During these past 5 years i have cared for him and our household while he did his online schooling degree and didnt work, worked though my entire pregnancy to support us. I've tried just about everything sexual he has suggested of me even if i didnt like it or didnt feel comfortable. I try my best to stay up with his sex drive, starting out at 4-6 times a day before, to now every other day. I try to show him that i wont be that stupid kid i was at 17 in every way.

 

Sorry if this is long and sporadic, Im having a hard time coping with all of what has been going on recently, with a lot on my mind.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for your situation. It seems like your boyfriend has lost all respect for you as his girlfriend. Any man who loves his woman does not want her having sex with other men. It is time for you to move out and move on. You can be happy but not with him. He has told you he doesn't care anymore and his actions are showing you that. Don't waste time trying to repair this relationship. Start making an exit plan tomorrow morning. I hope you work if not you need to get a job. I hope you have family that will help you and advise you. Your situation now is a dead end.

[Raka]

He watches alot of DP porn so i think thats where he's getting his kicks from the 3 way.

 

He cares about me just not when it involves sex.

 

I have no family i can turn to, have no more friends since i moved away from them 5 years ago and have trouble making friends do to my shy personality/not comfortable sharing my life with people irl for fear of rejection.

 

I do work but its never enough.

[Sauron]

He watches alot of DP porn so i think thats where he's getting his kicks from the 3 way.

 

He cares about me just not when it involves sex.

 

I have no family i can turn to, have no more friends since i moved away from them 5 years ago and have trouble making friends do to my shy personality/not comfortable sharing my life with people irl for fear of rejection.

 

I do work but its never enough.

 

I know someone like you, and I am sorry for the abuse you went through. If you have insurance you should seek some counseling or see if it's available in free format. Call the department of human services at State level. No one should be coerced into sex they don't want to have. If you don't have any education credentials figure out a way to go to school and support yourself. Good luck.

[2sure]

I don't know what you should do about everything, but I know for sure what you should do about one thing.

 

Understand that you can have sympathy and regret for what is in your past, and you can forgive yourself for any mistakes and that all of it is yours to deal with...and that you have No One, to answer to for it.

[Raka]

We had a heart to heart chat like we usually do and ended in a cry fest, which its usually hard for me to ever see him cry.(he never does)

 

After talking things over we both apologized to each other but he mentions that if i did the 3 way with his male friend that he would feel more like he wouldnt cheat on me in the future. He says itsnot that he wants to hurt me or doesnt love me just that he has these urges like every guy and admits he probably shouldnt tell me about them but he feels like he can tell me anything.

 

I do love that he's always honest but sometimes there are things i dont want to hear. He says the 2 guy 1 girl three way would make him feel like i had done something special for him and his mind would weight that in if he ever felt the urge to cheat.

 

I feel like i have to do it to feel comfort and security, to be somewhat sure that he wont cheat on me :/

[oldshirt]

I am probably one of the people that is the most supportive of consensual, responsible nonmonogamy on this site and your situation is just simply messed up and disasterous.

 

The problem with coming from a dysfunctional/abusive household is that you have no compass heading that points in the direction of "normal," or for healthy or for supportive or for simply sane.

 

No. your situation is just plain nutty and your boyfriend (and I use that term extremely loosely) is just plain off his rocker.

 

 

Normal "urges" for a sane, sober, rational man who actually values his partner is to provide her a safe and secure home and to value her and protect her and to have her respect, admire and love him.

 

To pressure her into sexual situations that she is not comfortable with or consenting to and to say that she owes it to him because she cheated years prior is unconscienable.

 

He does not value you as a person or as girlfriend or as a special someone or even as a fellow human being. he not only views you as a sperm bank into which to dump a load but also seems to hold you in actual contempt and he even wants to hurt and humiliate you and punish you.

 

IMHO he is abusive and sadistic. I would fear where this is all going to lead and the potential that he could pose physical harm to you and/or your child is real.

 

Abuse often continues in cycles and abuse victims often seek out those who will continue to abuse them and then they expose their children to potential abusers.

 

In other words he is not only cruel and abusive to you, he may become abusing to your child.

 

This is a bad situation and you are at risk. get out.

[todreaminblue]

My current boyfriend whom i share a child with, i had cheated on him in the very beginning of our relationship several times.

 

A bit of a background on me for a better understanding of what im going through and why i saw the world as i did before. I was molested at a young age(maybe around 6?) I can barely remember anything but parts of before and afters, i never told anyone about it until years later i told my brother, who told my parents and i cant recall their reaction but nothing was done of it, and i have no idea who it was. Why i was in the situation, my parents where/are drug abusers. My mom would leave me with strange babysitters while her and my step dad went out or locked us in our rooms, locked us out of their room for hours. 6 of us children total but only happened to me and my sister. my sister had it happen more than i did since i only recall the once but she admitted to me having it happen to her several times. My mother gave me the birds and bee's talk once when she was sober and i was just about 18, long after all my problems had started.

 

I first started having sex when i was around 15/16 and i foudn my boyfriend at the time repulsive, i had not emotional or physical attraction to him at all. I had never been asked out or had anyone confess their love to me and i felt desperately in need of love, acceptance and all the other things a relationship could provide. After dumping this boy around 10 times i finally moved on to another boy who i dated for a month or two no having any sexual relationship with but things ended up splitting ways. Then a boy i had a crush on through all grade and high school finally admitted to me that he had a crush on me too. we dated for around 5 months, he ended up buying me a ring for my birthday after i moved 30 minutes away. I ended up losing the ring and felt so bad that i couldnt face him and broke it off saying that i just thought the long distance was too much. he was a pretty amazing guy though.

 

Then i ended up going into a lan center and became friends with the owner who happened to a transgender male to female(in transition). we dated for around a under a year until problems arose from me becoming addicted to a game she had bought me, WoW. I had met my now lover on there while still dating her. I ended up breaking it off with her, jumping to him, breaking it off with him trying to jump back to her but she moved on and i was heart broken. I ended up in a deep depression, couldnt eat because even the smell of food made my stomach turn, i was cutting myself, one night walked alone side the highway for 4 hours to her house to give her a rose. In the end she still rejected me and it was for the better even though i couldnt see it then.

 

I ended up spiraling though, ended up sleeping with guys i wouldnt have slept with before(i wasnt attracted to them in anyway) but i had this feeling like i didnt want to be alone, i needed attention, i wanted to be loved.

 

I ended up calling my ex who i had met on the video game and we repaired our relationship. I went down to visit him 2,000 miles away from my home at just over 17 years old. Right before i left my best friend (female) ended up touching me and we had our first cheat experience. right when we got down i had sex with him, him being a virgin. then a week later i had to go back to my home town. We talked on the phone for 3 more months, and i have no idea what went though my mind or what but i ended up sleeping with 2 other guys, my beginning boyfriend who i found repulsive and another guy who i was attracted to but not attracted to his personality. Then right before i left again my friend touched me yet again. I felt like i was desperately looking for someone to tell me no dont go i want to be with you, i want you do be mine. but no one stopped me and i hoped on that plain one day before my 18th birthday to never return.

 

 

Now fast forward, just about 5 years later. I now have a child who is 3 years old. Still with the same guy, havent cheated since, and i was almost to the point where i could have been happy. But the past trudges up. My boyfriend has been asking me permission for him to sleep around, or for me to join him in a 3 way with another girl saying that he's curious because he's never got to sleep with anyone and i have. That i dont have a right to set rules on the relationship sine i cheated first. Of course i objected, but he says weather i like it or not its probably going to happen one day with or without me knowing. Now im at a point where i dont even know what to do. I know what i did in the past was wrong, stupid, immoral, relationship wrecker and i wish i could go back in time and tell myself that i was a stupid kid and to just wait.

 

I dont think i have the strength to take him back like he did for me in the past. I have bared all to him, shared my whole life these past 5 years and i feel like he should love me for who i am today and not hate me for what i ****ed up on before. I constantly feel like im not good enough for him because i had gained weight during pregnancy and havent really lost it, and him being a honest tell all guy said "I was good enough for him" when i first came down now i feel like ill never measure up to my body before.

 

Lately he was been pressuring me into a 3-way with his guy friend and i asked him why it wouldnt hurt him if another guy screwed me and he said that it didnt matter to him anymore since i had already cheated on him and that special part of me to him was gone. Which made me feel used and pretty much like his whore while in bed. We actually started out getting into it with his friend but before anything serious happened i said i needed to use the bathroom. The whole time leading up to that point i was thinking in my head, i dont want to do this, why am i doing this(the same way i felt every time i cheated/had sex before) When the point of being able to sneak off to the bathroom arose i did. I sat there for a good 10 minutes thinking while my boyfriend kept popping in saying hey you coming out? I didnt want to tell him no, i just kept saying i dont know, but i knew i didnt want to. He started pushing me out of the bathroom and back into the other room until i looked him into the eyes and said i dont want to do this and sat in another room. This was the first time I had come close to cheating(not sure if it was since he wanted it but thats how i felt of it) in 5 years. I told him i do think that it is a fantasy for me but i dont want to try it, but he still feels like he and his friend can talk me into it again.

 

I dont doubt he loves me as a person/my personality but sexually i dont think he views me right. I love this man, even though his sexual views are seriously ****ed up, and i know i played a part in creating him this way. I just want to fix this. I dont want him to sleep with another woman to see how it feels with someone else, i dont want him to view me as a sexual object in bed, i want him to boast that i am his, that i am special to him, I want him to respect me again.

 

During these past 5 years i have cared for him and our household while he did his online schooling degree and didnt work, worked though my entire pregnancy to support us. I've tried just about everything sexual he has suggested of me even if i didnt like it or didnt feel comfortable. I try my best to stay up with his sex drive, starting out at 4-6 times a day before, to now every other day. I try to show him that i wont be that stupid kid i was at 17 in every way.

 

Sorry if this is long and sporadic, Im having a hard time coping with all of what has been going on recently, with a lot on my mind.

 

 

 

child sexual assault impacts and it impacts on your behaviours and perspective in regards to sex.....and the way you let men treat you it can either go one or two ways you become frigid or you become promiscuous i have had both>i have also had extensive therapy.I have faith a lot of faith adn how I looked at my experiences is.....

 

 

it happened to me for a reason it was meant to happen to me there wasn tany way it would have changed and not happen to me, and god has my back when i tdid happen to me.... he kept me strong and shielded me from feeling any physical pain.....at the time........

 

i look at it now and how i looked at it then is i am glad it happened to me and not some other girl who couldn't deal with it.a younger girl than me even...not saying i have dealt with it easily....messed me up pretty badly.... it hasn't really impacted on other people other than people don't really get to know me...i haven't damaged anyone because of what happened to me, only myself........what it has impacted on is my faith it made

my faith extremely strong.

 

I am grateful that i have had my heart protected......my head is another matter......

 

don't call yourself stupid.....i know how you feel though its easy to put everything onto you because you know you accept it where others wont....easier to put yourself down than expect anyoen else to understand and accept you......you are not stupid....you made some mistakes.......we all do .....especially me......don't let guys tell you what they want you to do sexually...you set the pace......if they love you then you should be able to be their best friend tell them what happened to you so they can understand......and give you some understanding back.....let the dick go ......forget him.........its hard to let go .....but trust me i have done it and i feel better for it.sex will not fix you....allowing others to take your standards and what you really want away wont fix you......go out and seek what you really want....someone who loves you for you....and when you do make love....it will actually mean something to you....something special.....best wishes......and high hopes for you finding what you need.......deb

Edited September 26, 2012 by todreaminblue

[stillafool]

I think it is very odd that your bf wants a 3-way with you and another man. Most men fantasize about a 3 way involving 2 women. I think that men who want another man and just one woman are odd.