Not sure how she feels

[Hustle10]

I've been friends with this girl for a little over a year and within the past couple of months we've started hanging out several times a week and going out together on the weekend and things like that. I really like her a lot but I can't tell if she feels the same, and I don't want to mess up our friendship.

 

We're both early twenties in college, she took me to her parents for dinner at their house and is coming to dinner at my parents next week. When we go out at night to bars or clubs we usually go back to her house and I stay with her, but we never do anything sexual. The thing is, when we've both had a few drinks in us she seems super into me, wanting to hold hands and kiss and sit together (it's never directed at anyone other than me). When we're both sober though, she never initiates anything. The one time we did wake up together and I initiated kissing her, she was into it at first and then said that she had to get up and study. One night we were out and she had posted up a bunch of pictures on fb of us kissing at a local club. A guy that she used to talk to started texting her and as she put it "acting jealous." She said that they never became anything more because when her and I were just friends last year he always saw me as being "in the way."

 

I'm confused because she seems really into me sometimes and other times not so much. It just seems like during the day we're strictly friends and on the weekends she wants me to stay with her and isn't opposed to kissing/flirting/touching/etc. Any advice on what I should do? Should I tell her how I feel and hope for the best?

[carhill]

Some people call this being an ersatz boyfriend and some (myself) call it being a girlfriend with a penis. She gets her needs met, including the occasional sleepover or incidental feel, and you're essentially left wondering what is going on.

 

Clarify. Date some other young ladies. Become less available. She'll either step up or disappear. Either is an answer.

 

Also, try something. Don't sleep next to a lady you're not having sex with. Just avoid that altogether. Well, maybe if you and a bunch of strangers are hosteling across Europe or similar, but not a lady with whom you have romantic designs.

 

You'll never be completely sure how she feels, or any woman feels, until you're dead, and then it won't matter anyway. Fuggetabout trying to figure it out. Clarify how *you* feel and act in accordance with your feelings. Accept the results. Good luck.

[NoMagicBullet]

You do a lot of hanging out as friends, but other than initiating some sober kissing when you woke up together, have you made any definitive moves to the next level? She's not making any moves on you sober, but are you making any moves on her while also sober?

 

It sounds like you are both attracted to each other -- I doubt she'd be kissing you while intoxicated if she wasn't attracted to you on some level -- but you are both afraid of messing things up and afraid of getting hurt or maybe hurting the other person.

 

But the thing is, it is very difficult and emotionally draining to try to stay "just friends" with someone you feel more deeply for. As awkward as it is, I think you should just talk to her and let her know that you'd rather be her boyfriend than her friend. Even if she doesn't want that, you'll be out of this limbo state, and you'll never have to wonder "what if".

 

And I agree with carhill: don't sleep with someone you're not having sex with, unless accomodations require it. Don't cuddle, kiss, or make out with someone who is only a friend, and don't let friends do those things with you if they want to stay just friends -- friends are not entitled to that level of intimate affection. Save that stuff for lovers, girlfriends, wives... true intimate partners, not mere friends. To do otherwise only leads to confusing situations like this.

[Hustle10]

We were out a couple nights ago for her roommates birthday and when she went to the bathroom her roommate casually brought up the fact that her and I have been spending a lot of time together. I asked the roommate if she liked me or not and she seemed a little surprised at the notion and said "what like as more than a friend? I don't think so." Interestingly enough a couple of hours later when we all were leaving the girl who I've been talking to said that I couldn't come home with her that night (this was prior to me seeing the above responses about not sleeping with her). I had left my keys on the counter back at her place and told her that I needed to at least get those so that I could get into my place. When we got back to her place I got my keys and immediately left since she seemed so adamant about me not staying. As their door was closing she was like "wait no stop I was just kidding" but I didn't stop and just went home.

 

The next morning she sent me a text message telling me how sorry she was for being a "total bitch" to me the night before and that she didn't remember anything from the evening but 'heard' that she was mean to me.. we've continued to talk and I asked if she wanted to cancel dinner with my parents and she didn't want to. Thoughts on the update?

[KaraBlund]

We were out a couple nights ago for her roommates birthday and when she went to the bathroom her roommate casually brought up the fact that her and I have been spending a lot of time together. I asked the roommate if she liked me or not and she seemed a little surprised at the notion and said "what like as more than a friend? I don't think so." Interestingly enough a couple of hours later when we all were leaving the girl who I've been talking to said that I couldn't come home with her that night (this was prior to me seeing the above responses about not sleeping with her). I had left my keys on the counter back at her place and told her that I needed to at least get those so that I could get into my place. When we got back to her place I got my keys and immediately left since she seemed so adamant about me not staying. As their door was closing she was like "wait no stop I was just kidding" but I didn't stop and just went home.

 

The next morning she sent me a text message telling me how sorry she was for being a "total bitch" to me the night before and that she didn't remember anything from the evening but 'heard' that she was mean to me.. we've continued to talk and I asked if she wanted to cancel dinner with my parents and she didn't want to. Thoughts on the update?

 

As someone in a semi-similar situation (except we are having sex) I would be honest with her about your feelings/confusion before things move any further because you will only confuse yourself more. By confronting her/the situation head on, you will know exactly what your next step needs to be for you to be happy.

 

Before we started sleeping together, we were in the same boat- hanging out, kissing, cuddling, all that, mostly drunk- and platonic friends sober. I was confused, as you are, but let things continue because I was scared to talk to him, I feared I'd lose what we had and freak him out. Then things went to a sexual level and we still have not established what we are/will be... anything. And its more confusing/hurts more than ever.

 

If I could do it again, I would have confronted the situation a long time ago and saved myself the confusion/hurt.

 

Just some insight, hope it helps some.