kodiak Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 If anybody whats to know the longer version of my story they can read my post under Breaking Up. "Just need some advice, thanks". Anyways to make along story short, my girlfriend of ten months broke up with me last month. It was a LDR, and we started having some problems. I started to get insecure in the relationship and started to lack confidence in myself that my girlfriend truly loved me and wanted to be with me. She was everyting you could want in a girlfriend and showed it very well. However because of my insecurites i started to smother her in the last month or so of the relationship. We decided to take a break and that lasted all of about two days before she missed me and i went out to visit her. There is more information in my other post, so if you wanna read it i can use any feedback i can get. After the breakup, we still talked quite a bit but it got to hard for me. We would have great talks then i would begin to talk about the relationship and what went wrong. She would discuss it with me and i would feel like she might be coming around, then she would get frustrated. I decided to stop calling her but i still would send her text messages which i didnt realize till last week while reading a post here that text messages is still conatct. So about a week ago i stopped everything. The other day she callled me and left me a really nice message. She wants me to call her back but i have some questions. Hopefully someone can help me out, Thanks!!! 1.) i wanted to wait a day or two before i call or back, is that good or bad? 2.) part of me does not want to call her back because i know that i will start feeling crappy again once i hear her voice. Should i call her or just forget about it. 3.) Should i wait for her to call me again and if she doesnt in like a week, give her a call, and just tell her that i have been busy, which i have? Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 I see no point in calling her. Don't play any games with her. If you do want to call her then call her.( I think it's a bad idea) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 27, 2004 Author Share Posted July 27, 2004 Does anybody else out there got some advice for me about calling my ex back. You see she called on friday and left the message. I was at work over the weekend so i called her back on Monday and left her a quick message. Just saying "that i got your call and give me a call back when you get a chance". Well from th sound of her message she seemed like she wanted me to call her back. i just did not want to seem desperate or clingy(which is part of the reason things ended with us) so i waited till Monday to call her back. Well i thought for sure she would but i havnt heard from her. I almost feel that she is kinda acting like i was. Well"it took him three days to call me back, so im going to wait till i return his call now". Sounds stupid and probably not true but its making me feel kinda bad. If anyone can give me some advice, i would greatly appreciate it. Read the first part to this post. Thanks!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TrueSmiles12 Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 I can completely see your dilemma here... And it seems as if there is a game being played here. And it's this easy: Don't play games!!! If you want to let some time pass before you call her after she contacts you, let there be a real reason and not simply to keep her waiting or wondering. For me, I could see a real reason as being too busy with work or friends or sports or something, or just the mere fact that you are using that time to gather your thoughts before you get to communicating with her again. And I completely understand what you mean about having that part of you not wanting to call her because it would just make you feel "crappy again". I absolutely understand! And my question is: do you have another means of communicating with her, besides the phone? Do you e-mail each other? Instant message? Text? Maybe hearing her voice as you two have a serious in-depth conversation isn't exactly the best thing quite yet. I'm saying that maybe there is a way to work up to that via another means of communicating. Of course, if you call her, there has to be a reason, correct? Calling her just to say hi might not the best idea. It may seem a little desperate, ya know? And I do not see how calling her back on the same day she contacted you is desperate. If you give it a couple of hours, that seems like enough time to not play games, but just to gather your thoughts and not seem like you are jumping on that chance to talk to her. But I mean, your recent post about this past weekend situation, actually gives you an opportunity here.. But I mean I don't know what you can do right now -- the ball is in her court. You called her back. And I honestly do not doubt that she could very well be doing what you have -- giving it a couple of days before calling you back. But if you feel bad... then that only means you need to stop thinking like that and playing those kind of mind games. Do things for a logical reason and for yourself, not to prove something to her or to make her wonder, but just to please yourself. Maybe when you two finally talk after playing phone tag with each other, you can address this mind games issue and possibly apologize for making it seem that you are playing games with her. It is best to just clear the air and the lines of communication, so you aren't left wondering like you are. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Read this great post that was just left about this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44210/ Link to post Share on other sites
KitWalker Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Love the post from that link!!! Have to say that i've been exceptional at no-contact except when I have received a call from the ex.....i've picked up the phone straight away....have to learn to stop..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 28, 2004 Author Share Posted July 28, 2004 Thanks Kitwalker for the reply. You truly made things seem alot easier for me to understand. You should be a therapist, you seem to make me feel better than the one im seeing right now. The truth is that i was actually very busy this week. Im a fireman so my work days last 24 hours long and i was at work for three days in a row. Sure i had time to call her back earlier, but like i said i was a little uneasy about doing so. The ball is in her court. I returned her phone call and its up to her if she wants to call me back. It seems kinda weird that she wouldn't but you never know what your ex is thinking. Her message was very nice and very long and it was nice to know that atleast part of her is thinking about me. I figured she is because she called. She could have never called me again. To be honest, i thought it would be alot longer before she contacted me. Im not one of those guys that think just because their ex called it means they want you back. I look at it as a nice gesture and thats it. Making yourself beleive that there is more to it, only sets you up for false hope. You know? Anyways your idea about maybe it being too hard for us to hear each others voice and have a in-depth conversation is probably very true. I know that when i used to call my ex before i stopped all contact, part of me hoped that i would just get her voicemail or i would call when i knew she was at work. Although she dumped me, just maybe its the same for her. You see you have to read my very first post to learn more about our relationship. When she ended things with me it was very tough because she does still feel very much inlove with me but the relationship wasnt working right at the present time. Only time will tell what will happen with us. Im a very firm believer in all that "if its meant to be stuff". In the meantime im working on my issues so that either with her or another girl i can have a better relationship. Thanks again for your reply. You really helped me out kittwalker. If you need any adive form me, i will do my very best to help you. Thanks!!!!1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrueSmiles12 Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Kodiak, are you addressing me (TrueSmiles12) or KitWalker??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 28, 2004 Author Share Posted July 28, 2004 Im sorry i got the names mixed up. Put the wrong one down. Thank you for your reply Truesmiles. That was a great reply Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 Hey everybody im kinda confused about what is going on. You see my ex called me last friday and left m,e a really nice message and seemed to make it a point to give her a call back. If you read the original post you will get more info but i dont want to bore you with it again. Anyways i was busy working this weekend so i called her back on Monday. Now she wont return my call. I only called her once but it kinda sucks!!Ya know? Anyways i dont know what her reasons are but im sure she has her own. If anybody can give me some suggestions on whether i should call her again or what to see if she calls me again. Truesmiles made some good suggestions which i greatly appreciate. Anyways its been kinda of a bad day as far as missing her so i guess thats why im thinking about it more right now. This stuff is so confusing. Anybody give em some advice or maybe help me understand what she "might" be thinking? Thanks alot Link to post Share on other sites
TommyGirl Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 It seems like she definitely still has feelings for you. Since she hasn't called you back, give her more time to call you back. If you do decide to call her back, make sure you ask her does she have a problem with you calling her. If she has a problem, then you know to move on with your life and tell her that if she wants to contact you she can. I know that you love her very much, and that it would hurt you if you two would stop talking, but sometimes you have to know when to let go. I hope that you two can continue to be friends and you end up back together. But in the meanwhile, give her time and space to come around to you. Don't be afraid to let go, it will get much better. Always be clear about what you say, and be clear about the answers that you want. I will keep you in my prayers, and if God brought you to it, he can definitely bring you through it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 30, 2004 Author Share Posted July 30, 2004 Tommygirl- Hey thanks for the reply. Im going to give her all the time she needs to return my call. Maybe she doesnt want to. i dont know. I find it kinda weird that she called me then made it a point for me to call her back, then i did and she hasnt returned my call. Maybe she felt the same way i felt when i used to breakdown and call her. i would call her, leave a message, then say to myself, "why did i just do that". Although she broke up with me, maybe its too hard for her too, to hear my voice. Ya know? Alll of it is just confusing. All i know is that i miss her Link to post Share on other sites
crazyyetsane Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Yeah, in a perfect world we wouldn't have to play games, and I think that when two people get married these games become very minimal (almost non-existant) but are always present. The fact is is that we all have our insecurities and when we love someone very much we are afraid to have our hearts broken, and thus try to hoarde all the power by pretending we don't care. It is very common for all humans to want what they think they can't have, and it is also very common for lovers or ex-lovers to exploit this desire out of fear of rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 31, 2004 Author Share Posted July 31, 2004 As you all have probably read already my ex called me out of the blue after about a 2 1/2 weeks of no phone contact and about a week or so of no conatct at all. She left me a really nice message and said " I hope i talk to you sometime soon". I didnt call her back that night because she said she was going into a movie with her girlfriend so i knew she would nt be availbale. i was at work over the weekend so i called her back on Monday. She called on friday. Anyways i left her a really quick message saying that it was nice to hear from her and to give me a call back. Its been a week now and she never called back. I guess since she is my ex she doesnt have too, but it hurts, you know? Why would she call me in the first place and make it a point for me to return her call andd then just ignore me. I look at it as a nice gesture and thats it, but still im just dont understand. If she didnt want me to call her she could have just sent me a text message or something saying hi. You know? Maybe im just looking to much into this but if anybody has some ideas, please share them with me. Im havnt tried to call her again because i figured if she really wanted to talk to me she will call back. Do I wait a few more days then call her again or would that be pushing to much? Any advice i can use!!!!! Thanks everybody Link to post Share on other sites
crazydawg Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 kodiak don't call her, you can be risking more than gaining. For examply you might catch her at the wrong time, or wrong place. I don't think we are mentally stable to except anything out of the ordinary. You said it yourself you put the ball in her court. She has a mind of her own, If you call her your making it to easy for her, i'd say wait another week. Give it alittle time, there's no rush for things.... I know it hurts everyone on this board has gone through the same thing. But things do get easier.... believe us. We are here for you. No contact does work it worked for me. When i did contact her i heard what i didn't want to hear and it brought back all those horrible feelings again. Why bother putting yourself into that situation. She has your number she has your email and she knows she's the one to call. Let her make the next step. Games sux but they do exsist. Its human nature, I wish it weren't but we all go through Good luck man just wait it out don't put urself in the position of getting bad news or even her being cold with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted July 31, 2004 Author Share Posted July 31, 2004 crazydawg- how did the no contact work for you. share your story with me and thansk for the reply. Did u get over her by no contact and move on or did she begin to miss you and reach out to you. Let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 I dont know why but today has been a really crappy day for me with the whole ex thing and no-conatct. I miss her so much today. It feels like it was the day after she dumped me. Is that normal to be feeling pretty good, then all of the sudden have a bad day. I truly wish she never have called me in the first place last week. you know? Part of me wants to call her or send her a email asking her why she would call me and leave such a nice message and want me to call her back, then ignore me. But i know that would not do any good, except push her farther away. Man i need help with this stuff, i truly hate days like this where i miss her so much. Thanks everbody for listening. I just need to hear some good stories of second chances that actually do work out. Link to post Share on other sites
crazydawg Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 kodiak, i'm suffering too its usually when you have time to yourself. Lately i can't stop dreaming about her and i hate waking up and knowing about it. Its like i want to forget her but my dreams don't allow it. I know how you feel man but hang in there........ It does get alittle easier, when i first started no contact i coudln't even eat...... i'm back to pretty much normal except the missing her part. I really don't think they're are many success stories like this.... but believe me some do work out. I hope it does for us.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Thanks for the reply crazydawg. What happened with you guys. how long did you date for and stuff like that if yu want to share it, that is. I know that the no contact stuff. Has your ex tried to contact you at all or no. I have the samething going on man. I dream about her and her family and how things used to be. Then you wake up in teh middle of the night and no that she is gone. It sucks. I know it gets better because it has for me. Then she calls and leaves that message that was so nice and i feel like im at square one again. I wish i would have just arased it from the beginning. Anyways who knows bro, this stuff sucks but i guess maybe me and her were not meant to be, atleast for now. Hope things get easier for you too!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
crazydawg Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 well it depends on what side of the story you want me to tell( i probably would have wrote a differnt story a month ago) bascially i feel that its mostly my fault. Its my fault because i was to clingy and too jealous of her going out all the time. I was at a serious downturn in my life. I took out some of it on her. I told her we needed a rbeak and something felt wrong because she really didn't stop it. I've been having serious doubts about her in those recent weeks anyhow.... Anyway after the break i told her we needed i didn't contact her for 4 days and when i did finally her attitude changed so much towards me... She was sooo mean to me.. She wrote me a messsed up email saying its over and to go our seperate ways. and i told her i couldn't do this she said yeah u can and then told me to hang out with friends and stuff. Thats what i did i went out to this bar and i hooked up with a girl, only because i needed to get out of this pain ... anyway her friends must have saw me and told my ex. My ex never contacted me untill 2 weeks after we broke up. She emailed me and said she wanted to know how i was and if anything was new... She even wrote the cute name i gave her.. Alittle confusing i know. Well a week later i IM her because i didn't answer that email. At first we spoke niclely talking about family and how we were then she asked me the question if i was holding someones hand... I said yes and she must have gotten mad or soemthing because she said she had to go and couldn't talk. (btw she got back with her ex the one i stole her from, He's a jerk (druggie) and treats her horrible) anyway i did a huge mistake... last week i sent her an email that i needed to meet her and told her a location and place, it was important . She said " I def can't meet You" That hurt me alot.. Because i've done so much for this girl... Anyway since that i will never speak to her first again, i learned my lesson the more i go back the more she distances her away.. I know now what i didn't, i look back at the mistakes i've done and even tho i can't change them i know what they are now... I sometimes want to call her but i know that it won't work because i was a dumper once and i dumped the girl that loved me for this girl that never cared about me, You see it came back to me she used to beg me to go back with her and call me all the time, and i'm so sorry i ever put my ex ex girl through that. I was so mean to her, i don't realize it till now though but if i could i would tell her i'm sorry ... Your girl and My Girl are justifying what they did was right... you see i know because i was there.. Its like i felt no sorrow for them i don't know why but it just is like that. I know from experience is if we do call them its a waist of time.. Try and move on i know its hard believe me i wasn't ready for this and now the friends i had before i went out with this girl are no more and i'm pretty much lonely most of the time... It hurts but like i said THEY WILL CALL BACK i know because even after i dumped my ex ex i called her after a while.. and even one time i was considering even going back to her and id din't because i was up this careless bitches ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Crazydawg- First off thanks for be so open and sharing that stuff. I appreciate bro. I know what you mean by our exes trying to justify what they did by not talking to us and so forth. The thing is teh few times we did talk, my ex has been very friendly to me and nice. I was clingy to and smothering to her. My relationship was a LDR so being insecure to start was amplified alot. You know? I always trusted her and she was a very loving girlfriend to me. We had a time were we thought we might needed a break and that lasted a few days before she called me up and said she missed me and wanted to to come out and see her. My last trip out to visit her was so amazing that i will never forget it too. I was very close to her family. When we took our break, my ex was very upset. the next day i called her mom and just told her to make sure my ex was ok and kinda told her what happened. Her mom never told her i called. When i was out there i told her that i called her mom and she started to cry and hugged me and told me" that no one has ever done that for her and that she was so inlove with me" Now its all over. I came back home and I started getting clingy and smothering again. Calling her when she was out with her friends and getting upset when i heard guys voices in the background. I mean she was at a restaurant and i would flip out if i heard guys voices in the background. I was so stupid. She would always tell me that she loved me nomatter where she was. Anyways needless to say these insecuritiues of mine ruined my relationship. We had a great thing and its so hard to beleive that its all over without her wanting to give it another chance. It just seems so weird that she now totally ignores me even when i send her a email just saying "hi and hope shes doing well" I asked her when we broke up to be honest with me if she wanted to be with someon else and what she said killed me. She said " You see that is the problem you never beleived me when I told you that I love you and want to be with you and only you" Those words will haunt me forever. This month would have been a year for us so its been kinda hard. Like i said her calling me the other day was probably the worst because i knew that she had to be thinking of me call me and wanted to talk to me or she could have just texted me. You know? Its weird how you can be so close with someone and then they just forget about you and ignore you. I mean i would never have done that too any of my exes especially someone that i loved. The hard part is that i know our elationship would have been so great if we lived together. Unfortuantely i cant move to her because i have an amazing job. I guess she was "THE PERFECT GIRL BUT THE WRONG TIMING" I hope that she calls me agin and i get a chance to talk to her but i know that it may never come again. Maybe the call last week was the last one, who knows. I traeted her great and I know she knows that. Only time will tell what will happen. So crazydawg the girl that you broke up wit for yoru most recent ex, do you still have feelings for her and regret leaving her now or what? I was a little confused at what you were saying. Thanks for the advice. I can use all I can get from anyone on the site. It helps to hear this stuff. In the meantiem im trying to move on with my life and make myself a better person. I no problem meeting girls. I have plenty of confidence but I lost it with this one. She is so amazing, beautifull, loving and everything else that i ever wanted in a girlfriend that i began to think i would loose her. One day im sure i will be married and she will be the girl that i will sit around the poker table at night with the guys and say "I love my wife and i could nt be happier but I once dated this girl..........................................." Link to post Share on other sites
crazydawg Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 kodiak, from what i gather i think she does have feelings for you, but they aren't strong enough to bring you together with her.. has any of her friends tried contacting you through any way>? I wouldn't go out and talk to her friends but maybe she wants to get back to you indirectly. Or worse case scenario is she found someone else. To be honest if i were you i'd take the worst case scenario i know the worst thing is false hope... It brings back all the pain right now we need to heal i think that for both of us is, when we finally forget or give up home they will contact us i don't expect much and you shound't either if she really regreted what she did she'd tell you some way or another.. I'm sorry man but you have to be strong and for both of our sakes we need to learn to be secure and not jealous these are our enemies,, they make us look weak... looks what they have brought us pain jealousy is a big problem.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Craxydawg- No her friends have not tried to conatct me but she only has one really girlfriend that i met twice. I turly would not expect her to conatct me. It would not seem right if she did. I know what you mean by trying to expect the worse that she met somone else, it sucks but i do try my best to beleive that is what happened. Although she never gave me any reason to think that especially since that last time we were together it was an amazing time. If she did meet someone else she did an amazing job covering it up and making me feel that she still was inlove with me. The thing is that the night before she broke up with me she was talking about how excited she was to come visit me in a couple days. Then the next day i made a stupid comment stemming from my insecurities and she blew up on me and that was it. It was over. She once told me that she never had any problem being friends with her exes and talking to them. She didnt have anyone where she was living now and i was her first real boyfriend. So i dont understand why she cant be friends with me or atleast respond to a text message like "just wanted to say hi and hope are doing well". It seems that im going backwards right now and i dont know why. These last couple days have been so hard for me. I know if we are meant to be then it will happen but i miss her so much right now. Its funny i want her to contact me so bad but i know that it will just delay the whole mourning process. Break ups sucks!!! This girl traeted me so well and i was so inlove with her. I always here about second chances but it never seems to work for me. you know? It has only been about two months and i know that it can take alot longer. Another hard part is that even if she would call me and want to work thinsg out, im really not sure if i would try it again. As much as i love her, the LDR is so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kodiak Posted August 3, 2004 Author Share Posted August 3, 2004 just sitting up and being confused. Its been a tough day and i need some advice Link to post Share on other sites
crazydawg Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 hey man hang in there i'm in one of those bad missing her days hang in there be strong!! Link to post Share on other sites
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