Lack of Intimacy with Wife of 5+ Years

[jmpnlzrds]

I have been married for little over 5 years now and keep wondering if I did the right thing...

 

Before I got married I was dating constantly learning how to please a woman and getting good at it. I even developed a bit of a reputation that led me into not trying very hard to get a woman to go out with me. My dance card was full 24/7.

 

That was then, this is now. I met my wife while working together in a large factory. We were happy and sex life was great for the first year. Shortly after the year, we had our daughter that even with our troubles I would never have changed. Having my little girl was the most incredible change of my life. One thing that did change for the worst however, was the intimacy my wife and I shared. After our daughter was born, it was as if the sex became a thing of the past. I felt like she got a child from me and that was all I was for.

 

We talked about it and she said she changed and has this mommy feeling that makes sex seem wrong right now. So like a "guy" I tried to think of ways to get her back in the mood instead of listening to what she had said. Well, I ended up coming up with this great idea to have another (not so we would have 2 children, more so we could have sex trying) child so our daughter would not be alone. Well, it worked like a charm until she got pregnant and now we have a healthy, well-built boy.

 

Ok, so now he is 3 and she is 5 and we still are not having any alone time (sexually, that is). She is still telling me she is not ready and puts our children first. Do not get me wrong, she will cuddle up to me all night, but that is as far as it will ever go. Tonight I made the mistake telling her it seems like she gives me sex every couple of weeks because she feels guilty and that is not what I am looking for. I told her I married her so WE can live together and raise a family, not so WE can live together after the family has moved out! Then I stormed off saying I was not planning on getting married to have a lack of intimacy! ..... and now I find myself telling all of you this 20 minutes later.

 

Is this normal behavior for a woman and I need to take longer showers for my needs until the kids move out? or is there more into what she is telling me that I should be concerned? I pay for her to get massages and go to a woman’s spa. I have even learned over the years when she needs to get away from all the stress of being a stay home mom, to take her out for a weekend or take the kids off her hands and have them help me clean house top to bottom while she takes a bath. The sex that we DO have is worse than the worse date I had before we met. This is the woman I am spending the rest of my life with and I feel like I am missing out on precious time with her. I am 35 and with the lack of sex have noticed the hard-on is getting less and less. I have been very careful around other women because I don't even want to go that route but have been thinking of it quite a lot lately.

 

Any help on this would be appreciated.

[StartingAgain]

It's not normal behavior, but it is rather common. It even has a name, "mommy syndrome." This is a sexual maladjustment. I know little about it, since I have not read anything about it in 20+ years. But some women have normal sexual drives until they have a baby. Then something in them switches and tells them that a mommy cannot ever act like a slut, so sex is out of the question unless it's to make another baby. She must get into psychtherapy immediately. No, you don't spend the rest of your life masturbating in the shower! She has a duty as a wife as well as a mother, and one of those duties is to meet her husband's sexual needs. You should stop beating around the bush on this, get tough and tell her that you will no longer accept this behavior. Tell her that you understand how she feels, but it is not normal and she must get into therapy to get this fixed.

[Jacksin]

I agree with Startind again, but you will have a real problem if she refuses to go to therapy.

Perhaps if you asked her if she would mind you getting your weenie wet elsewheres, and see the reaction!

Jack

[StartingAgain]

Jack, makes a good point. A woman cannot remove her husband's only sexual outlet and expect that he won't do like Rhett Butler and "take his comfort elsewhere." This situation is the one and only valid reason I can think of for infidelity.

 

It's amazing how many people, mostly men, who are in sexless marriages. What's more amazing is that they tolerate it.

[SteveH]

Originally posted by StartingAgain

It's amazing how many people, mostly men, who are in sexless marriages. What's more amazing is that they tolerate it.

What choice do we as husbands really have? I HAVE to tolerate it or my options are divorce (which I am considering seriously). I really don't want to have an affair but it could be my last option.

 

I am convinced that 99% of women have no true understanding of how much men need sex. Not just the pure physical but they also need to feel wanted that way.

 

All I can say is that unless you take immediate and drastic action via theapy, it will only get worse. I haven't had sex with my wife in 3-4 months and will probably never have it again. It takes a long time to get to this point of zero sex in a marriage and I'm assuming it takes a long time to return to normal. I now believe that my marriage is past the point of no return. I hope you do not reach that point.

[HoldOn]

Oh man, what goes through a woman's head when she says, "Well, I don't feel like having sex anymore, so I'll just neglect my husband!" (I am a woman, BTW)

 

It's not normal to lose all your desire for sex! Especially if your husband is a nice guy.... Get thee to therapy.

 

Try to get her to therapy. Don't have an affair. (A divorce would be better). If she refuses to go to therapy, then YOU go yourself. Perhaps your therapist will give you some ideas to help your wife. Don't give up.

[StartingAgain]

Men have been asking themselves this question for thousands of years. I'm not trying to bash women here, but only state a truism.

 

I can tell you that if my wife had ever told me that she was finished with sex, I would have responded calmly with "Then you have two choices: get into therapy to find out and correct whatever is wrong with you or I will divorce you. I will not remain in a sexless marriage."

 

Steve is right. Sex is very important to men, not just psychologically, but also for health reasons. Men who do not get enough sex are at a much higher risk of developing benign prostatic hyperplasia, prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction. They also have higher rates of heart disease. Masturbation is an option, but this cannot be the only sexual outlet for a married amn, since it doesn't address the psychological aspect.

[uncertain04]

Speaking from experience, women do lose their desire to have sex with their husbands... Do I want to have sex? Yes. Do I want to have it with my husband? Unfortunately, no.

 

I feel badly about withholding this from him and have tried the pills and therapy... and guess what? I'm not broken. What is broken is our relationship which involves two people, not one.

 

I don't think giving her an ultimatum will help. What you need to do is find out whether or not you love each other enough to rekindle what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place... and then you need to work every day at fanning that flame by communicating your respect and appreciation for each other. If it's been too long or if too much has come between you... you may never get it back. Good luck.

[StartingAgain]

Uncertain, you raise a very valid point. If there is trouble in the relationship, the sex will suffer. But that is fixable if both partners are willing to work on it.

[kmax]

After having a baby, some women think that they don't look good, or they think I don't want another one right now, so they evode it all together. If you want her to come around to the way things use to be, touch her alot without sex in mind. Women aren't like men, men go from first gear to fifth gear. Women want to be put though all the gears. By you touching her more without wanting sex, it one make her feel worth something, and two it put her though her gears, so she wants to have sex.

Think on that one.

[HoldOn]

I just think that if a woman loses the desire to sleep with her husband, she shouldn't just shrug it off. She should work with her husband and try to figure out what's wrong. In this case, the husband doesn't seem to be a jerk (of course, we don't know both sides.)

 

IF everything is allright in the relationship, it is abnormal to lose the desire for sex. The wife shouldn't get defensive, angry and cold, she should try to solve the problem. AND the husband should be supportive and loving and try to help her solve the problem.

[Haunani]

I read a good point as follows:

 

For man, first physiological needs are to be satisfied in sex, then only he turns to emotional needs; whereas for women, first her emotional needs are to be satisfied, then only she can turn to her physiological needs; that means man feels his own feminine after his male's is satiated, similarly women feels her own masculine after her female's is satiated.

 

 

I think for me at least this is exactly how I feel. Since I'm not getting from him, he's not getting from me. Thereby all my understanding how how sex makes him feel closer and bonding to me, I pull away because I know this, and a) don't want to bond closer to him b) I can choose to control it or not.

 

This is all based on a non-healthy and non-loving relationship we have. Re-learning how to effectively communicate is what we both need if we are to make this work. Half of us doesn't know.

 

I'm not saying this is you or not. But something to think about.

[StartingAgain]

Since I'm not getting from him, he's not getting from me.

 

I hear you, Haunani, and you make a good point. Guys, if you are emotioanlly ingnoring your wives, don't expect her to be hot and bothered for you. Yet, Haunani, I can tell you that your statement is a fast track to a ruined relationship. This is how couples end up in divorce court. My ex had started withholding sex about the time we went into marital therapy. The first two questions we were asked after the initial statements of what we saw as our problem were:

 

1) "Are you sleeping in the same bed?" "Yes." "Good. Keep it that way."

 

2) "Are you having sex?"

Her: "No."

Therapist: "Why not?"

Her: "I'm too upset to have sex? I don't want anything to do with it."

Therapist (to me): "How do you feel about this?"

Me: "She wasn't too upset to have sex with men until a asked her to end her affair. And she hasn't been too upset to have sex with him, so I feel betrayed."

 

Therapist: (to me) "when a woman is upset, angry or hurt, her libido is one of the first things to go. She needs to feels safe. Can you accept this?" (yes) (to her) "He has asked you to end your affair. I am demanding it. You may be upset with your husband, and the two of you should continue to work on your problems, but you cannot withhold sex. It will destroy your relationship, by increasing your emotional distance and preventing intimacy. The first step in getting a marriage back on track is to reestablish intimacy. Sex is an important part of this for a man. He cannot demand sex from you and you cannot withhold it from him"

[gr8p]

I have to say that I found this site by chance and feel so much better to read everyone else's posts. I like everyone here am a husband who has been married five years, has a 2 yr old daughter and is not getting the amount of sex that he used to. Well it feels great to know that I am not alone, and that there is nothing wrong with me. I am 30 yrs old and probably am in the best shape of my life, I can't help to think that if I were not married the chicks would be flocking to me, but I am married and I don't think I have ever heard my wife so "you look great" or anything to that nature. In fact if I ask her she will usually say "are you fishing for a compliment" what is that all about. I am not looking for a compliment but a little positive reinforcement goes a long way, I do not keep in shape for her, but it would be nice to know that she notices. I really believe that my wifes blood runs blue and cold. I think I am a great husband and father, I am a hopeless romantic but it gets me no where. I am at the point in my life like everyone else that I sometimes feel this marriage is going no where fast, the problem is now I have a daughter who I care about so much, and could not think about not seeing her everyday. We are now in the point of our marriage where we talk about having another child, and while the old saying "you know the best part of having kids is, making them" I sometimes feel like I don't even want to go down that path. There are times where I think to myself the next time she is in the mood to say no sorry not tonight, but I love this women and truly think she is beautiful so I give in. The next morning I am like why did I do that, I should have done to her what she does to me just to see how she feels to be rejected. I truly adore my wife and think she is beautiful! I tell her she is a hottie, and she tells me I say it to much, come on what is that all about, it is a lose lose situation. I to sometimes think to myself, I wonder how she would feel if I left her for another women, but I could never do that. I sometimes feel like she is with me because we are married and have a child, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Everytime we try to have a discussion about this, it turns into an argument and nothing gets accomplished. It is very hard to be in a relationship that I wear my heart on my sleeve and she is like a cold stone. Please if anyone could provide some feedback I would love to hear it.

[SteveH]

gr8p:

 

Wow, our situation is identical except I have been living with this in a marriage for 20 years instead of just 5 years!

 

I wish I could give you some positive suggestions but in my situation things only got steadily worse. I have talked with and read so many similar stories to mine that I now believe as a man you are trading children for your sex life. As long as you understand and agree to this, fine. However, most men aren't made aware of this prior to marriage. I love my 2 kids a lot but I never thought that it was kids or sex and not both.

 

My wife and I had a great sex life while dating and through our first few years of marriage. After kids, it came to a grinding halt - little or no sex at all. Now that my kids are 14 and 11, I enjoy sex 3-4 times per year MAX. The amazing thing is that I started asking married friends with kids and they almost all have the same story!

 

I too, have sometimes played the "deny her game" when she FINALLY wants it. Trust me, it doesn't help things, it only hurts. When I tried this, she was furious that I would deny sex when she was "trying so hard." For my wife, trying means initiating sex once or twice a year.

 

I am in my mid forties and if I could do it all again I would play the singles game at least until I was 40 or 45. At that point I might be able to trade children for a sex life. The problem is that I made this trade off when I was 25 or so.

 

I HAVE A SCREAMING QUESTION TO ASK OLDER MARRIED MEN ---

Why didn't anyone tell us men that when you have kids you kiss your sex life goodbye?? No one ever told me this. Sure, everyone jokes about getting less sex when you get older but it's almost a universal fact in my experience.

 

I think younger guys that are seriously dating deserve to know this in advance. I now know there is a whole next level to this argument about getting married at all. Interesting site to read: http://www.nomarriage.com

I don't agree with most of this but I have to admit that some of it is dead on factual.

[Cis]

And now for something different....

 

My husband is 11 years older than me (60) he isn't happy unless he has sex twice a day! He's serious. We've been in therapy and had many many conversations about this. We have sex probably 2-3 times per week and he feels very resentful. Because his desire for frequency is much much greater than mine - I try to show how much I love him by accommodating him (you know a quickie)...and my husband is a wonderful lover, but if I don't have an all out over the top orgasm - he's disappointed and feels like the sex is shallow....and so that kind of sex doesn't "count".

 

And I can't help but feel if we were more emotionally connected I may feel a little more eager (but really I think I've pretty much topped out).

 

Reading this forum today is making me very sad. I feel like no one is really happy. I'm starting to sound like Sinner and Samson and my lover who said marriage is bullsh**t. I'm sorry I had my dalliance since it reminded me how romantic love and sex feels - and after 12 years of marriage - I just don't have that anymore....

 

Is a marriage (no kids) worth staying in just so you can say you didn't get divorced? How do you know if you are still "in love"....

[Samson]

Is a marriage (no kids) worth staying in just so you can say you didn't get divorced?

 

Is there ever any other reason to stay married?

[PUHLEEEZE.....]

Are you the kind of man who is willing to "swim through shark infested waters to bring your woman a lemonade?" If so, get the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. Read it, then ask your wife to read it. It may just open her eyes. She needs to understand that as your wife, it is her obligation to provide physical intimacy to you, and how by doing that, she can become more powerful than ever in your relationship. Good Luck!

[Tracy]

I have only posted here once before, but I read threads frequently. This conversation seems to encompass many different underlying theories, problems, relating to marriage.

 

My original post was about trying to reconcile divorce. My h and I divorced 2 1/2 yrs ago. We have to children, 5 & 8, so it has been difficult. We decided to reconcile in January and have been living together since. Originally, we thought we would get remarried right away, but haven't yet. We ultimately divorced because of infidelity. However, I have learned since that that was a result of our problems which manifested yrs earlier.

 

We, too, began having problems when babies came. Less sex, more attention to babies. Another thing I have realized, or theorized, since our divorce is that I'm not sure kids were the problem. For me, I think there was always a lack of intimacy from my H. Among other marital issues, nothing major, but did affect our relationship nonetheless. Looking back, I think I wanted kids to fill our voids, I was lacking and thought children would make things better. It didn't, and made it appear as if kids were the cause of decreasing sex drive.

 

Now, we are trying to regain what we have lost. For the sake of our marriage, but mostly because there are kids involved. I have tried every method, pills, therapy, meditation. But, I can't regain feelings of intimacy for him. I love him, he is a wonderful person and father. I enjoy his company and love the convenience of being together and raising our kids. But, I don't like his touch and I do not feel any passion for him.

 

I say this mostly for men's sake going through this. It is frustrating for you. It is equally frustrating to us (women). I want so bad to repair the intimacy in our relationship because I want to salvage our marriage, raise our children together, and live happily ever after. But, I cannot find a way to repair years of damaged intimacy (both our faults).

 

I'm not sure if we should stay together because of children and just for sake of marriage. I am living in the midst of that and trying to decide. I can tell you that is easier said than done. Sometimes it is hell. Sometimes, when you see the benefits (children, not having to begin another relationship), it's not so bad. Has anyone made this decision and if so, is it worth it to stay if you can't repair the intimacy?

[Tracy]

I also want to point out to you men that "repairing intimacy" in a problem marriage is a completely different process for men than women.

 

Huanani talked about how for men, sex motivates them to show affection. For women, affection motivates them to want sex. I think this is what is so difficult about a damaged relationship. How do you get back to square one, where the guy is naturally wanting to give affection, and the female is, in return, naturally wanting to give sex?

 

In my situation, my H can detach from all the bad stuff and just have sex. I am too emotional to detach, and when we have sex for sex' sake, it makes things worse for me.

 

How do you erase all bad things that have happened and decide which comes first, the chicken or the egg?

[SteveH]

>>Huanani talked about how for men, sex motivates them to show affection. For women, affection motivates them to want sex. I think this is what is so difficult about a damaged relationship. How do you get back to square one, where the guy is naturally wanting to give affection, and the female is, in return, naturally wanting to give sex?

 

I think both men and women can agree that this is the crux of the problem. My wife and I have talked about this many times, for years actually, but we never seem to make progress in this area. If some shrink could find a solution to this, they would make a fortune. We have been to Christian counselors that suggested terminating all sex for as long as it takes to heal the relationship. My wife loved and adopted this idea. As a man, I find it destructive and it makes me resentful. I don't want to have resentful and hostile feelings towards my wife but I find that I do. I find it extra frustrating that my wife has told me repeatedly that she was very sexually loose prior to marriage. Now once married, she refuses to have sex with her husband and father of her children. I think most men would find this incredulous.

 

I have heard the rec for Dr. Laura's book - Proper Care and Feeding of your Husband. But when I suggested it to my wife, she rejected it. I have to say that I skimmed the book at Borders and I do think Dr. Laura nails the issue, I just don't know if she has a working solution to the damaged relationship.

 

I have learned that LOVE is a verb. No one stays madly in love for more than a year or two. After that, you need to work at it.

[Tracy]

SteveH: I have learned that LOVE is a verb. No one stays madly in love for more than a year or two. After that, you need to work at it.

 

I agree it takes work. When you are in the midst of the problem and you realize it, taking active steps to work at it is probably very feasible. However, after years of hurt, it is so hard (I'm beginning to think impossible) to work at it at an attempt to get it back.

 

When I said I have tried everything, that includes counseling from various POV's, Christian being one. For the past several months, I have even tried "giving the problem to God", as the only rock left unturned. As I have been told, maybe I am "just not patient enough", and it will "happen in His time". But, I am sure my H feels the same as you, with me not wanting him sexually. Perhaps I am not spiritual enough, taken over too much by human nature, but I don't know if we (he) have enough patience to make it through the daily feelings of rejection. He is human and actually deserves to feel much more wanted than I am able to make him feel.

 

So, true you have to work at it. However, when do you decide you can't work at it anymore? Or, if it is worth it to stay together because of children and just for sake of marriage? I wonder if it would be easier to stay in a passionless marriage than to start a new relationship with someone else. (this was my original question, answer or advice PLEASE)

[SteveH]

>>So, true you have to work at it. However, when do you decide you can't work at it anymore? Or, if it is worth it to stay together because of children and just for sake of marriage? I wonder if it would be easier to stay in a passionless marriage than to start a new relationship with someone else. (this was my original question, answer or advice PLEASE)

 

Tracy. You sound like a smart women who is struggling with the female side of this issue. I am asking myself the same exact questions you are from a husbands perspective.

 

Since I am wrestling with the same issue, I wish I could offer some good advice but we have been down similar paths. As a Christian man, I have prayed earnestly and every way possible but I have only felt very temporary help from God. I don't think God will every totally abandon me, but it sure feels that way right now.

 

I do know that if I didn't have kids, I think I would be divorced by now. Children really are a major factor in the equation. I am currenly thinking about my marriage as friends/roomates/parents and staying put for the children. Once they move out (in about 6-7 years) I will either have repaired the marriage or I will probably move on.

 

>>I wonder if it would be easier to stay in a passionless marriage than to start a new relationship with someone else.

 

I wouldn't me asking which is easier but what is the RIGHT thing to do. The easy way is rarely the right or best approach. There is no way that anyone on this board can know your situation well enough to offer you the correct advice. The subject is way too deep. The best thing you can hope for here is that you will get new opinions, ideas, etc. I have received a lot of good stuff here but I can't say that my problem was solved. But I have a much more mature and educated viewpoint now. I sure have learned a lot about women and relationships!

[Tracy]

Yeah, I know. Much of what we are discussing is relative. I guess I am just so tired of analyzing, I would like someone to give me the answer...not gonna happen

 

To reflect on the original issue of this thread, lack of intimacy.....it affects everything in a marriage!!!

 

To the originator - jmpnlzrds - I think regaining intimacy, passion in your marriage depends on where you're at and what you've been through. When my H (ex) and I moved back in together I though (hoped) that it didn't matter what has happened, or for how long.....that you can conquer love if you are both willing and really trying. But, I'm not so sure any more. One word of advice - regardless of where you are and how much has happened between you, give it all you've got. Or, you could be in my situation: divorced and returning to attempt reconciliation because you have doubts/regrets on not "really" trying before.

[meanon]

Tracey,

 

I think it's a mistake to leave a marriage in the hope that a new relationship may be better. Many women with young children do not remarry. You would need to be sure that you preferred life alone. If you have had this problem since January (lack of physical intimacy) and in all other respects your marriage is good, it is relatively soon to assume that it can not be overcome.

 

You have not been able to let the hurt of the past go. Until you can, there will be little progress. Once love has gone it is rare that it is recaptured, the exception is when there is a specific problem that has affected the relationship, such as infidelity. Is there any scope for a greater understanding and acceptance of why it happened, can you both change your behaviour in your relationship so that you know it will never happen again? These are the things I would concentrate on.

 

If there is no further scope for recovery and the breach of trust is too great to allow for a return of intimacy, then in effect the marriage is over. Ultimately, marriage is a committment. When kids are involved most couples will stay together as long as possible to protect them, it's the natural response for many parents. No-one will give you the answer about when to call it quits, how to balance the personal happiness vs. parental duty equation. Most people I have known stayed well beyond the natural end of a marriage and only broke their committment when it was intolerable to stay. Subsequently, most have said they wished they had left years earlier. I hope you never reach that point but if you do, you'll know when it's time to go.