Lack of Intimacy with Wife of 5+ Years

[Tracy]

If you have had this problem since January (lack of physical intimacy) and in all other respects your marriage is good, it is relatively soon to assume that it can not be overcome.

 

We have had this problem for many years. I would say seriously beginning the 3rd of our 7 yr marriage. And, only since we have been apart, have I realized (experienced) what we never had from the beginning. So, I guess you could say we've never had a steamy relationship. But, it's been stable and we've been fortunate with finances, family, friends.

 

Many women with young children do not remarry. You would need to be sure that you preferred life alone.

Enigma replied to my first post concerning reconciliation with almost those exact words. I have been thinking about that heavily.

 

For now, I am leaning towards staying together ammicably until the girls are a little older. However, I'm not sure he wants to settle for that (lack of intimacy). He's an attractive, vivacious man. So, I may not have a choice.

 

Thanks for insight on your friends that have stayed for similar reasons.

[meanon]

You can't force yourself to feel passion. I think after such a long absence, it's unlikely it will return with him.

 

It's only realistic to stay for the kids if you are both relatively content. Otherwise he will leave or have more affairs. You are vulnerable too. It would be a mistake not to recognise this in an effort to reconcile yourself to staying. You're much more likely to be able to cope well with your situation if you are honest with yourself.

[painter]

i have to say i cant understand how anyone just looses all sexual desire without psychological or physical damage being the cause. mommy or no mommy ther is something wrong if nothing ever turns you on.

i have been voluntaraly celebate before for 6 months as a result of unpleasent sexual experiences (before i met my husband) and even when i was deliberately celebate i got turned on by movies, ideas, dreams. i dont think a complete lack of sexual feeling is natural. even ghandi never quite achieved a state of no sexual feeling.

male or female, unless you are a super being who has mastered zen. its not ok, theres something wrong.

[VivianLee]

There's a pill for everything, you can synthetically become aroused but passion is a state of mind and it can't be found in a pill or I would have ordered one for my hubby years ago!

 

There was a moment in time (while we were dating) that the passion was there...his died, mine stayed....life just isn't fair sometimes.....

 

If he were sick or paralyzed...I'd understand, you can still have passion....to me passion is more than sex, it's being so undone and overwhelmed by the attraction you have for the person you love....

 

I think marriage needs the connection of sex with passion, I believe that is the moment that couples truly connect.....

 

I don't think I will have that in my marriage anymore but I love him and he loves me.....

[meanon]

That must have been a significant factor in the problems you both encountered in your marriage. I know the love doesn't compensate but I hope it's enough for you to be happy, VivianLee.

[VivianLee]

There are more good times than there are bad. We've been more good to each other than bad. He's everything I'd want in a husband so I know I'm blessed. I just get melancholy sometimes cause I'm still fairly young (so is he) and it seems a shame to be missing out on a wonderful part of being married.....

[Tracy]

i have to say i cant understand how anyone just looses all sexual desire without psychological or physical damage being the cause. mommy or no mommy ther is something wrong if nothing ever turns you on

its not ok, theres something wrong

 

Painter--I'm not sure what you mean by there must be something wrong...you expressed that your are voluntarily celebate because of unpleasant sexual experiences. I agree, there must be something wrong with me. But, I can't figure it out. I have no idea how traumatic your sexual experiences were, but mine were nothing dramatic. I have never been a victim of rape or anything to that extent. However, my H and I have experienced a lot of emotional trauma. Even that was nothing too dramatic. (other than resulting in divorce and now trying to bounce back).

 

So, I agree with VivianLee, passion is a state of mind. Since I have nothing severe to overcome, it has to be the emotional toll we have been through and my mind is what's standing in the way. As a man, you say you don't understand how someone can just lose their sexual desire. A woman (VivianLee) can understand, because our sexual desire is triggered entirely differently than a mans. OH! And, I'm assuming you are speaking from a male POV

 

I have felt so guilty because all in all, my H should turn me on. I have felt like maybe there is something "wrong with me". However, when we were apart, I did have sexual desire. I feel bad that I cannot have those feelings with him, that I can't just flip a switch. So, I'm chalking it up to the mystery of PASSION, which I CANNOT FIGURE OUT

[painter]

i was, once, and only for a time

 

not anymore

 

im not into the "suffering forever" thing

: )

[Tracy]

Just forget what I said....I just noticed that Painter referred to her H. Just when I thought I had a grip on things....now I am really confused about intimacy/passion between men and women

 

[painter]

ps, you didnt seem to read my post too carefully

i am a woman

i have a husband and i was celebate for 6 months before i got together with him.

 

just so you understand where im coming from.

i do experience dips in sex drive but i dont think that a healthy individual has much more than temporary dips and highs.

if its lasted more than a few months......

 

 

just my opinion

[Tracy]

i dont think that a healthy individual has much more than temporary dips and highs

if its lasted more than a few months

 

Do you think a person's dips and highs can be a result of unhealthy relationship? Or, if a person goes up and down (instead of staying steadily down), is it more likely that is a individual problem? ........maybe it's just me and I will experience this in any relationship I am in???

[painter]

from what i have discussed with both male and female friends, dips and highs are par for the course. everybody gets them, male or female. excessive fluctuations or a long term dip or even high can be, and often is, a sign of emotional problems within the relationship.

circulatory problems brought about by child bearing can also cause issues but this is very rare unless there were extreem complications during labour etc.

as for passion, it is a useful clue to problems. attraction to a specific person or lack thereof is a clear indicator that there is a problem with the "flow' of love, or trust in, that person. be it because of anger or feeling under appreciated or not being allowed your creativity etc.

even if these problems are only in the mind they are still concrete and manifest themselves in your outward expression of passion.

some twisted conservative societies deliberately mangle peoples psyches into believing that physical sexuality and "mothering" are mutually exclusive.

so much damage has been done to young mothers and most marriages through this terrible belief.

i hope it can be wormed out of our psyches within this generation for the sake of the next one, they dont deserve to deal with this in their marriages too.

[Tracy]

some twisted conservative societies deliberately mangle peoples psyches into believing that physical sexuality and "mothering" are mutually exclusive.

 

Not sure what you mean. You saying that they teach that you can't be a mother and be sexual/sensual with your partner? THAT makes no sense.

 

BTW, your explanation of dips and highs was very enlightening to me.

[meanon]

maybe it's just me and I will experience this in any relationship I am in???

 

You may well experience the ups and downs that painter spoke of which many people encounter in a long relaionship. What you described with your husband seemed much more severe than that - a prolonged lack of passion you attributed to emotional damage you have not been able to overcome (I mean both of you, not you alone).

 

when we were apart, I did have sexual desire. I feel bad that I cannot have those feelings with him

 

This to me seems a clear indication that it is a problem specific to this relationship.

[Tracy]

This to me seems a clear indication that it is a problem specific to this relationship.

 

That is my gut feeling, but I have listened to him tell me the entire time we've been apart that if I would just "really try", things would work out. It's hard to understand why I don't have desire for this person I married, who is worthy of desire.

 

I'm not sure how much of the "chemistry" theory I believe. But, I think that factors into the equation somehow. Affection+Passion+Chemistry = sexual intimacy

[meanon]

Often it is trust that is the issue. Even after you have forgiven someone, your heart may still be reluctant to follow your head. Pedwin posted a great article about recovery from infidelity.

I'll try and find a link. If, as you seem to feel, it is the emotional toll of the problems you have faced, it's hardly your fault. Your husband was unfaithful. You say the relationship had problems before that - there were two of you in that marriage.

 

If you are to stay in the marriage it's important you move quickly beyond blame for the feelings you have. They simply are not there, for understandable reasons. The guilt and blame are distractions. You both need to do what you can to try and recapture them or if you've been there and done that then accept the situation and jointly decide what to do about it. Easier said than done, I know

[Tracy]

My husband was not unfaithful, I was. I take complete blame for that. There was a multitude of things that led up to that, but that is ultimately what happened. I wanted the divorce. We have both waivered the past couple of years, wanting to try to work things out. He is the one who came to me in January and asked to give it one more try.

 

So, it's not that cut and dry. But, I do agree that trust is a issue, and does get in the way of intimacy. For both of us.

You both need to do what you can to try and recapture them or if you've been there and done that then accept the situation and jointly decide what to do about it

 

Yes, easier said than done. But, I have grown and am learning to decipher things that are happening (discussing on LS has actually helped, by the way). I hope that he is maturing in that way also. And, that eventually we will be able to do that......reach a mutual decision.

[meanon]

Sorry Tracey, I misunderstood. It doesn't change my view about the importance of trust and getting beyond the blame to see if there is anything left in the marriage to save.

 

Check out the article, I think you'll find it interesting:

 

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n4_v31/ai_20845729

[Tracy]

That was a good (and long article. There were some new concepts I haven't seen before, and I thought I had studied everything on the subject.

 

Interesting enough, dealing with the act of infidelity doesn't seem to be the problem now. It happened several years ago. Even though, I'm sure it manifests itself in ways I'm not aware of.

 

He doesn't have the problem...he wants me. Emotionally distant sometimes, prob from lack of trust, which affects intimacy. But, I am the one who is unable to respond to him.

 

True though--

the importance of trust and getting beyond the blame to see if there is anything left in the marriage to save.

Is there anyone out there who has experienced affair and/or divorce, and have been able to reconcile with spouse? (and so as not to completely get off subject of thread.....were you abe to regain intimacy? If so, how?)

[painter]

its just that far too many women seem to have the attitude of "mommys must'nt be sluts" for it to be an individual thing. the only logical explanation is that its a cultural thing as women in other cultures predominantly do not have this same attidude. i refer to non western, non anglosaxon cultures here.

[StillChillinCookie]

You might think this is weird, however, a lot of "normal" people are into this type of thing. I am myself, as well as my mother and sister. My fiance and my mothers fiance are into this also.

 

Go to http://www.castlerealm.com. You need an open mind. It has to do with dominance and sumbission. It not only broadens the horizons of your sex life. It makes you trust one another more.

 

Don't think I'm nuts, I know a lot of people into this. Judges, lawyers, police oficers, teachers, buisness owners, the list goes on. It's not right for everyone. But if you want to find out more, post a reply and my Email is located in my member profile.

[Tracy]

I didn't see your email in member profile. I've never emailed anyone on LS directly, so I may be looking in wrong place.

 

I went to the site and would like to ask you some questions.... without bogging down this thread. I'll look some for your email.

[SteveH]

I read a very old thread on this subject (I'll try to find and post) but it stated in various ways that once a woman has emotionally checked out of a relationship, she is emotionally gone forever. There is no amount of hugs, kisses, flowers, backrubs, love letters, communication, etc. that can bring her back. Once the emotional tie is totally broken it can never be repaired.

 

As a man, I finally fully grasp the concept that a woman has to have an emotional connection before she wants and enjoys sex.

 

I am starting to believe this concept as it makes a lot of sense in my current relationship. I would be very interested in othe opinions on this.

[Tracy]

As a man, I finally fully grasp the concept that a woman has to have an emotional connection before she wants and enjoys sex.

 

That is great that you have achieved that, and crucial to a relationship. Just as crucial as a woman being able to recognize a man's need for sexual fulfillment. I think a successful relationship hinges on both fulfilling these needs. The problem lies in situation where these needs have gone unmet, and one (or both) have emotionally checked out. It may be possible, but hard to check back in. ...just as you said.

 

I'm not sure why or how some people are able to recognize and fulfill these needs without hindsight of a failed relationship. Perhaps some are just fortunate enough to click with the person they have chosen as their first mate. Or perhaps some have a stronger foundation and are aware of this from good examples from their childhood. And, as a result their relationship never reaches the point that either one "checks out".

[Tracy]

my Email is located in my member profile

I don't think it is...do you have private messaging enabled? I want to ask you about http://www.castlerealm.com. If I can't contact you directly, do you mind if I start a new thread so I don't bod down this thread?