A final act of persistence

[passingmeby]

Im a 20-year-old sophmore in college who has yet to ever be involved in a relationship. Ok thats my introduction .I got the courage to ask this girls number in class, huge stpe, we ended up studying together and hanging out on the side. We did things that normal friends do not do, such as hangin out on the rocks by the river, museums, evenings out to resturants. Or maybe this normal, but regardless nothingin physicallhas happened.Eventually i let her know i liked her and she disregarded it, we kept hanging out, and i eventaully became more persistent.

 

She responded as i was joking, becuase i was playful in doing so, but she seemed like she liked it. I have asked her on dates and she says shes not interested in relationships(shehas had extremel bad experiences), yet we are extrmely compatible and have immense amounts in common. Over the time i knew her, i was conantly suffereing ache, not only did i tell her i like her, but i did romantic type things for her, that no friend would ever do. After a span over many months i finally told her tonight , look i feel like im wasting my time talking to you more than a friend, and just friends would not be mutual nor healthy. I asked her if i was infact wasting my time she said yes. I had nothing to lose and asked why, after run around answers she said she was not physically attracted to me, and that is important in a relationshipo. I was broken, as of right now i told her i woulnd ttalk to her anymore till i am over. I am heartbroken, but still have two more persistent thigns i want to do, (send her a box of chocalates, with the chocalates gone,and a note saying looks are deciving, your mising out on something sweet). My friends thoughout told me she is not worth my time and that she doenst deserve me.

 

I have never gotten the courage to talk to a girl like this before, so this whole experience ive been jumping hurdles in terms of progress. When it comes down to it, i like her, and have told her she is worth the effort. She alwayssaid looks are not important to her, and i am a decent looking guy in gneral, just decent but ,y confidence is shot. and I am hearbroken after tonight, but should i go one last time sending this chocalte mail as final attempt of persistence?

[uriel]

If you weren't attracted to a girl (physically or personality-wise in THAT way) and she sent you the same gesture, how would you respond? You'd think it was nice of her, flattering, but no cigar, right?

 

This girl obviously enjoyed the attention before, but she doesn't feel anything more than friendship. If she had, something more would have happened over those many months of friendship. She would have instigated it, even if she wasn't forward enough to make the first move. She had plenty of opportunities that she didn't take. Only someone as shy as you in this way would have held back so long -- and not many people are.

 

Next time you are developing something with a girl, be more actively flirtatious to move things to a romantic level and make your intentions clear. Make a move within the first month or so -- once you've gone out alone together. You don't want to invest this kind of time in something that's not going to work out -- not to mention feeling.

 

Sorry this one didn't work out. Hope next time's the charm.

 

-- uriel

[Tatiana82]

I think it's great that you took the courage to get out there and ask for her number, especially if you state that it's something you've never had the courage to do. That's fantastic and I hope you can see that. It's going out of your comfort zone like that, that will get you far someday in dating.

About your question on one more act of "persistance," with the box of chocolates. Although you're the only one who can decide if you want to do it, my general advice would be if you really truly care about the girl, I would not send it. In general girls may view a guy being a little persistant for her as fun, but speaking from my experiance with persistant guys, girls may get freaked out if a guy is too persistant. I personally stay clear of guys who begin to get too persistant.

I am so sorry that your hurting so much because of what's happened. I think you might really benefit from taking a step back from trying to find a girlfriend, and just focusing a bit on yourself, do things you love, build your self-esteem up, it might really help for next time you meet an interesting girl.

Good luck and hang in there.

[win1234]

Hi there,

 

I have to agree with the posts above. I have been in several relationshsips, some short, others longer. Only a week ago, I met a really nice girl, she came over to me and started chatting and we ended up kissing.

 

We kept in touch during the week, and had a lovely date yesterday and a really good chat.

 

Today she send me a text saying she is not ready for a relationship, but would like to keep in touch as friends, and it has nothing to do with me, but it is her that is having difficulties.

 

To be honest, my heart did not feel the best when I heard that !! Because she was really sweet and caring and so genuine

 

She did say she was hurt badly by her ex and is pretty shy.

 

The point I want to make is as tempted as I am to try and convince her that I could be different and to maybe give it a chance, there is no real way of knowing why she does not want to get into anything to serious.

 

I could try and persist and analyse into eternity the if's and why's and how's, but if it just does not feel right for a woman, it is best to respect those feelings, and it is normally unwise to try and change her mind....

 

As difficult as it is for me to say this at the moment, since I am still feeling a little hurt, there ARE plenty of fish in the sea as the old saying goes

[Nemmy]

Yah rejection hurts. But if you're going to be out there looking, you have to learn to deal with it.

 

Your first mistake seems to be making yourself 'friendship' material right off the start.

 

When you got her number did you call her the same night? WAIT! Don't call right away... Yes it sucks, and you're sitting there dying to pickup the phone, but make her wait for your call.

 

Then you did 'relationship' type stuff regularly when you weren't really in a relationship. Oops! Again, if your interest is romantic, you really have to slow it down and keep cool or her interest in you will quickly descend into friendship (not much chance of climbing out of that hole).

 

Basically you made the classic mistake of offering friendship in the beginning as an alternative to risking rejection. As uriel said, you waited way too long to make a move in the romantic direction. There's no better way to find out how interested a girl is than trying to hold hands or move in for a kiss. She can't just ignore those and has to say something.

 

Don't send her anything. Nothing you do now will change her mind. In fact it may just make you appear desparate, which you never want to appear no matter what happens or how you feel.

 

Good luck next time around...and the time after that...and the time after that...get the picture?

[passingmeby]

Thanks for you responses,

 

It's just a matter of time before i get back into my normal cycle, so i understand im going to be upset for a little while. I guess right now its a slow summer, and i have more time than usual to think about things thatll upset me more. But in the end despite, how hurt i feel right now, im sure ive gained a lot from this experience and i should be satisfied with that itself.

[blue17]

good move on breaking through the hurdle. I recently broke through a similar situation....and now it doesnt seem nearly as big a deal. Its great that you are moving forward with your life and making progress.

 

As other people posted, DONT send the chocolates. Doing such would only make you appear desperate....which you don't wanna do . Just take a step back, and realize that there will be plenty of other girls out there. This is your first gf experience...so this one will stick out in your mind for a while. But once you meet other girls, you won't dwell on this situation anymore. I know it's hard to move on at this point.....but you have to try. Trust me...as soon as another potential gf situation comes up, you won't be at all worried about this one....and instead can improve on the mistakes and get some experience. good luck.