I don't know what the hell happened; I'm engaged!

[dasani08810]

On Friday, I got an email from the ex about doing her taxes for her for the last year. I kinda chuckled as I wrote back; "That's a boyfriends job, I got fired. Would you work for a company that fired you after your last day? I don't think so. :-)"

 

Then she emailed me and wanted me to take her dog so she can move. I do like her dog, but I told her I'd think about it and get back to her.

 

Then she emailed me about possibly getting together this weekend. I told her fine but let me know when and I'll try to rearrange my schedule. She told me she'd call me Saturday morning. Well, I was out and about picking stuff up for my trip and she didn't call til like 4 pm; I had already given up on the "get together". She was all apologetic about not calling in the morning. She sounded sincere and I heard a spark in her voice that I hadn't heard in a long time. We were broken up 2 months.

 

I kinda figured something was up because she still wanted to get together Saturday night. I said ok but I have a flight in the morning (this morning) so I'd have to get back early.

 

I had noticed in some of her latest emails and phone conversations (which every one she initiated) she was not sounding too happy with the turns her life had taken. I did feel bad for her and kinda figured she was in some mid-life thing. But recently, I did tell her not to contact me anymore unless it was about working it out and getting married. I was soooooo done. For the last few weeks, I had been dating ALOT and just going about my happy life.

 

Soooo, being tired of this freaking game, I took my own advice I gave in another thread. I was going to propose and if she said no, then that's it. I would take my Cayman vacation as a kind of symbolic "over it" trip. She was in and out, up and down; blah blah blah. I pulled myself off the rollercoaster and didn't want to be around when it crashed.

 

Well, I met her last night and we went to dinner in a really nice restaurant in Philly. I did that whole flower thing that I posted in the other thread. Kinda wierd that this happened on the very same day I made that suggestion; GODS? :-) I went there first, gave the ring (I bought a while ago before she went off the deep end)....then went to pick her up. When I took her to the restaurant, we just talked and laughed like never before. I was thinking to myself "she's either coming around or she setting me up to stay in limbo a little longer". I was prepared for both. I've distanced myself from the whole thing and was just starting to move on.

 

To me, I was at the point of either accept my proposal or stay out of my life. I don't really even know if I cared either way (well, maybe a little bias toward yes :-) ); I knew in me, this was how I was going to get my closure.

 

Well......she came clean with everything....wants to go to counseling with me (I've been going for a couple of months)......told me about all the constant thoughts and reminders of me.... Then the waitress brought the plate with the rose petals and one rose. Inside the rose was the ring. I took it out and just did the thing. SHE WAS FLOORED!!!!!

 

At this point, I am leaving for a few days to the Caymans in a couple of hours. I'm going alone and didn't really ask her if she wanted to. Reason being, it's a guy trip and were going to live on a dive boat for a few days.

 

Last night/this morning we stayed out in a club til it closed, walked around town afterwards and just talked and talked. It was like we didn't miss a beat! She asked me probably 50 times "are you sure you want to marry me?" Apparantly she never thought I did. DOY!!!! Then, she went home and I did to, but we talked on the phone til around 6:30 this morning. Then she started saying things like "I can't believe this is real" "What if you get hurt on a dive?" "I'm worried that we just got to happy and you could get hurt". She must have thanked me 100 times for the proposal delivery. She's in freaking never never land; and I'm not even worried about how it happened; she's come out of the fog and I have her back!!

 

This from a woman a week ago who could care less if I existed!!! Now she's wearing my ring. Damn, things CAN change in an instant!!!!

 

 

 

I know that this is just a step; but it's a step in a direction! There's work to do and now that BOTH of us are willing to work on the issues that drove us apart, it looks up from here.

[nikkicam71]

I just read your post and I am so happy for you that I could cry. I probably will. You are an incredible person and I hope like hell that the two of you live happily ever after.

 

Two months broken up? How long did you two date? How long was it for NC? Why did you start talking to her again/who got in touch?

 

I am SO happy for you! You made a girl's dream reality....kudos!

 

~Nikki

[junegloom]

Hi dasani08810!

 

I'm so happy for you too! I almost cried reading your post - this is amazing! Could you tell us why you two broke up and how you went about it?

 

Did she ever tell you it was over completely? Or did she constantly show signs that you two might be together again?

 

Did you feel deep down that you would be together again? Or did you think it was really over at some point?

 

Yay! I'm very happy for you both!

[dasani08810]

Thanks guys!

 

Well, I'm kinda in never never land and sad at the same time. I just got enganged and I had this trip to the Caymans already planned. Now I'm here and she's there til Thursday. I was actually scheduled to be here til Saturday; but now I can't wait to get back.

 

Anyway:

 

Nikki:

Two months broken up? How long did you two date? How long was it for NC? Why did you start talking to her again/who got in touch?

 

Yes two months broken up. We had been on and off (Like Ross and Rachael from Friends) for the last 2 years. There never really was a "no contact" period as in NO CONTACT. There were a couple of weeks where I had enough and just didn't want any contact at all. I never initiated any calls to her. Mostly, I didn't initiate any emails either. I only responded. Sometimes I would send an email; but mostly, I left it to her to start a conversation. So, the no contact was a modified version til about a week ago when I told her not to contact me at all unless it was about working it out. I left the door open that way; and I also just told her it was too painful to be friends. After a week of that, she emailed me asking me a question. I get my emails on my phone and she knows I can answer within minutes. But I started taking my time and being somewhat of a smart ass (in a funny way). That whole apathy thing mixed in with a couple of sarcastc sentences. Just fun and games.

 

Junegloom:

 

Actually I had accepted that it was over; but in a "for now" kind of way. I was dating other people as was she. It was just a "whatever" kind of attitude.

 

Deep down, I thought we'd be together. We have a really deep bond and connect at a level that I've never connected before. I think she was just in a "thing" she needed to get through herself. I only hoped she didn't too too much damage before I was too far gone. I have to admit, I was very close to that point though.

 

She really didn't show any signs. Any conversation with her was about how great her life was now; blah blah blah. But this last reconnection she started showing signs of dissatisfaction with her life events. So, I figured now was the time to put up or shut up for good. Well........she's wearing the ring! :-) But, 1500 miles away! :-(

[jw32802]

wait, dasani,

Is your name jen?

[reasontosigh]

 

A guy named Jen??

[reasontosigh]

Congratulations, dasani!!!

[jw32802]

oops i was thinking of a different person sorry!

[junegloom]

Hi dasani08810!

 

Are you writing to us from the Cayman Islands??

 

Anyway, I would love to know more if you're willing to tell us.. Why did you two break up? What problems did you have?

 

Did she ever say to you anything like she was certain things were over between you two or was she ambivalent? Did she ever say that she didn't love you anymore or fell out of love with you and still cared for you, but *only* cared for you?

 

What events in her life weren't going well that you detected?

 

You must so happy! I'm so happy for you!

 

I'm trying to get over someone but I can't shake this feeling that this is only "for now" as you put it..

[dasani08810]

Junegloom,

 

Yes, I'm in the Caymans!! :-)

 

Well, for the last two months, she was very cold. Like I was some absolute stranger. I know her so I never really took it personally. It's a protection thing for her. She said countless times that it was over and she was done. But honestly, as long as I was seeing anger, I knew it wasn't over for good YET.

 

She never said she never loved me; or didn't love me. We didn't really talk about that when we talked. But her mood swings kept me thinking life wasn't going too well. I just let her vent when she called. I took a lot of crap for a while and never struck up or took the bait in getting into an argument. When they're in that anger protection mode, you just can't take that bait. It only serves to justify their anger and decision. If you always try to maintain the high road and keep focused on the goal, that anger they give you just starts to subside.

 

Anger is a distorted form of passion. If they have it, they still have feelings. Just don't take more than you think you should have to. When it gets overwhelming, you have to protect yourself. That's why I told her not to contact me for any reason unless it's about working things out. I had enough of that dance and bowing out changes the music; and, changes the dance.

 

Her job sucks, her new friends were just very below her in the food chain of life. I kinda thought she picked those people for friends to help make her feel better about herself. I mean, she's a great person down deep and a very classy girl. When she told me who she was hanging around with, it really amazed me that she would do that. She would always tell me how great her life was; but, then after a while would share something else that would prove different. Nothing really definitive, just a statement here and there. So, I figured her claim of a great life was just a "in the moment" thing. Not all the time.

BTW, she verified that when we got back together the other night. She spilled all she was thinking. All the memories she couldn't shake. All the feelings of emptiness without me around. Everytime she saw a car like mine, it reminded her of me.....all that.

 

Have you read "Make up, Don't Break Up"? In it, the author talks about the stages of a relationship and where they usually fail. That's exactly where we failed. We got to the power struggle stage. Both of us a single parents. I have custody of my kids and she has custody of hers. The kids have NEVER been a problem with either of us. Our problem was the power struggle stage. I'm in my early 40's and she's in her late 30's. We're both kind of set in our ways and it was starting to get very petty arguing about stupid things. She felt she was giving more than me and I felt I was giving more than she. It just started to get very nasty! We were so wrapped up in the power struggle that we forgot the goal.

 

It only takes one to change the dynamics of a relationship. I have to take ownership of not stepping up and changing the dynamic. I got right in it too. A person can't argue with himself ya know! LOL

 

So, our work has begun. We're going to a weekend marriage retreat, seminar at the end of September. It's put on by Dr. Harley "His needs, Her Needs" author. I'm in counseling now and we're going to go together.

 

It all ain't over with the real issues. We both know that. But, we've agreed to just take it a day at a time and actually work on things. Relationships don't just happen by some stroke of luck; relationships are built.

[junegloom]

Gosh - that's really interesting. So she never stopped loving you, but the situation became overwhelming to her I guess. Or maybe she thought this was for the best.. the breakup, that is.

 

You sound like a very strong person, and forgiving. I don't know if I could ever forgive my ex for breaking up with me, for coping out like this.

 

We didn't have any problems like power struggles.. well, actually maybe we did.. I don't know now.. Anyway, the main problem was "plans for the future". Well, perhaps that was our power struggle? Basically I wanted to have a plan for where we were going, and he wants no plan, no committment. This is much different than your situation, so mine is probably truly for the best. He felt guilty for not asking me to marry him and thought he should let me go to move on. He speaks very coldly and in absolutes, then shows signs of ambivalence, but maybe that's normal? I'm keeping n/c with him mainly because it brings me down anytime I speak or hear from him - he seems to feel a need to keep reminding me that this is over between us, even though I'm not begging or contacting him or indicating that it's unclear to me at all.

 

Sorry I've totally gone off on my own little world here.. Thank you for sharing yuor situation. This web site needs more happy endings like this one!! True love does conquer all in the end, doesn't it?

 

Anyway, that's really great. Best of luck to you both.

 

Silly question, but are you or is she 'romantic' or idealistic? Just wondering.. You sound like a realist, but your proposal and your "for now" stance is actually quite romantic.. like you knew all along that she had to go through something for herself.

 

[dasani08810]

She's been thorough a lot in her life as have I. But about 3 years ago, I kinda went through my own "thing" and I kinda know what that's about. It's a mid life issue (not a crisis). And sometimes people just have to go experience their own pompousness. But, I was very close to just giving up with no hope. I knew once I let go of the hope, it was over. I tried to; belive me, I tried to. But it just kept coming back to that deeper connection we've always had. We broke up before for a few months; but, we ended up back together. Then broke up again. Every time we borke up, we fixed the things in ourselves that caused the breakups. This time though, was different.

 

But yes, I really do love her and actually getting over her was going to be very hard; although, I was to the point that I was ready to do so.

 

Funny you mention I'm a romantic. At heart, I really am. In our past, I didn't show a lot of that. I love romance. For me, I love to watch my "persons" face light up when I do something for her. It's like "I gave her this moment". There aint no better feeling!! So, this time, I've focused on that. I did a lot of things for her and worked my ass off trying to make her happy. But, that was wasted work. I gave her, and did for her what I thought she wanted; not necessarily what she wanted. It's kind of like watering a field with no seeds. You do the work; but reap no harvest. One of her things is she would never tell me where the seeds were. Know what I mean. We've talked so openly about everything. People we saw, dated, etc. But every time, we missed each other.

 

You're ex's ambivilence and it's over thing is probably more of him trying to convince himself. Especially if he is just saying it out of the blue without you're asking. Meaning, if you are asking him "is it over" and he says yes; well, it probably is "for now". But if he's just coming out and saying it, then maybe he's trying ot convince himself as a defense.

 

Go do your own thing and let his world crash. You can't be his parachute. You gotta know you are the best thing that ever happened to him. Once you realize that, you'll start to feel sorry for him. Then, you'll be surprised how fast you can move on; or how long you can wait.

[junegloom]

It sounds like just before that fateful night when you proposed to her, your lives could have gone either direction. I mean, if you didn't have the "huevos" to believe in yourself and tell yourself that you were done with hanging on and prepared to ask her to make a choice.. you were prepared to put yourself on the line, and knew deep down that in doing so it would be better for you in the long run.

 

I think that is amazing.

 

Did a little intuition tell you that she would probably say yes?

 

If so, this is so interesting.. I didn't know men had an intuitive sense like women are believed to have. So maybe it's just a myth that women do.. maybe just people have intuition when they're emotions are in overdrive.

 

Anyway, I find your story really encouraging. I'm not hoping for a proposal at all - I actually don't want to get married anytime soon. I just want to be back with him. He even said recently (a week before he was being harsh and reminding me "it's over") that he thought it was a shame we were breaking up and what we had was amazing.. I know this though, which is why this hope I have is, dare I say it, sometimes a 'belief'! It's quite cocky of me, but it's there.. It's really wierd.

 

Another strange thing is although I miss him terribly, I have no desire to contact him. I actually need him to have this time without me in his life because I want it to really sink in. Well, if I'm wrong, and he really is so over me that he's happy as a clam, then it will be a lesson to me to never listen to my "intuition" where love is concerned. But if I'm right, he is missing me, but isn't at that stage yet where he's wondering if this was the right thing to do.

 

How do I get him to that stage? Is that even possible? Or is it just time?

 

Hey, you're in the Caymans.. you needn't reply to these unanswerable questions of mine!

 

But speaking logistically, how long would you two go without being in contact at any point during your break up?

 

Thanks!!