Shell shocked and traumatized

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi,

 

I’ve been on LV for a long time and find it an incredibly supportive place to come for advice and insights. Right now, could really use you lovely people’s feedback….

 

Basically, I am three weeks out of the year from hell. Literally. Everything I thought could go wrong has gone wrong in the last 12 months. My fiancé cheated on me and then continued to send me upsetting emails for the better part of the year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my job and with it, my visa. I spent months back in my home country feeling lost and scared and overwhelmed without any family in the area (it’s a long story but basically, all my family relocated). I took some part time work to make ends meet and was sexually harassed by my employers until I finally had enough and quit. I got very depressed and while I actually managed to keep it together without going off the rails too much, I feel frankly, totally and absolutely shell shocked right now.

 

Things are actually getting a lot better. I got my visa and was hired by a great job. I’m even starting to see a new guy and have all my friends and family around me again. My mom is still ill but at least I can be here to care for her. I have had three weeks without intense anxiety, sleepless nights, and crying jags. My weight is normalizing, I’m eating better and exercising, and frankly feel like I have a small amount of control back over what was otherwise a downward spiral of a year. I think I’m only just processing what happened with my fiancé and I feel like I’m instinctively wanting to turn back to him for a hug or comfort or something which I also recognize is wrong because he treated me terribly.

 

I think I need some help. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel anxious. I just feel, as melodramatic as this sounds, absolutely shell shocked and traumatized. I’m angry at no one in particular for everything bad happening. I feel like I walk around with a chip on my shoulder now. I’m fine and yet I’m so upset at the fact this year happened. I’ve worked very hard for years and been kind to try to ensure I had a relatively drama free and calm existence. This has been a nightmare. I don’t know what I’m looking for here guys but it’s almost like I’m patting myself down after a house fire to make sure I’m unscathed. I do often feel like I just need to feel safe again-I’ve been so shaken. Any suggestions on how to get over this terrible year?

[Els]

I wish I could give you a big hug. I don't think there is much to be said at this point, except that it's a normal recovery process from a terrible point in your life. Recovery from grief isn't always a straight road and it isn't always progressive. There will be some times when you regress and feel sad and recall all of it as if it were yesterday. It is normal. No point beating yourself up over it.

 

Have you tried counselling, therapy, talking to friends, finding methods to calm yourself or make yourself feel better, giving yourself some well-deserved pampering?

[loveunlimited]

sounds like real PTSD, and as if you've been firing on adrenalin and now that things have calmed down, your stress is coming thru. That's perfectly natural, BTW. It happens... You could perhaps see your doctor and ask him (or I guess it could just as well be a her) for a referral to a counsellor. they might offer you some type of medication, but be careful that stuff can be addictive so tell them you want to limit use, and only for a defined period of time, and you don't want anything with crappy side-effect; maybe they can recommend a good herbal remedy? See a counsellor, it's important that you be good to yourself and put yourself first; i know that sounds selfish, but sometimes we have to do this, because if you're "needed" again, where are you going to find the strength, if you haven't been refuelling?

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi Elwyth and Loveunlimited,

 

Thank you so much for your responses, it really means a lot to get your feedback-a little less alone right now... I really have taken the three week respite from all this anxiety to do everything I've been desperate to do-stupid things that are very indulgent like getting some new clothes, getting a haircut, etc. I have spoken to a doctor and she agreed speaking to someone might help although even this forum is really helpful.

 

Sometimes, when I'm really indulging in the self pity I ask why this all had to happen all at once. I mean, everyone goes through this stuff right? Maybe I'm just overreacting and need to realize life really is this tough...

[FitChick]

Look at it this way -- better to have had it all happen at once and gotten it over with than to be hit every three or six months with something new when you are recovering from the previous blow.

 

How old are you? I ask because in astrology you have your Saturn return around the age of 27 or 28 and that is when major things seem to happen to most people.

[Veryconfused12345]

Hmmmm, good point, although I kind of feel like the emotional fallout would have been more manageable had I had brief periods of time to collect my confidence. I find myself asking this question a lot which is "is life this difficult for everyone?" Perhaps I've been very lucky at a younger age (in answer to your question I'm 25 now) so it's all hit me at once. People do often speak of the dreaded quarter life crisis.

 

It's just what I wanted for myself, what I thought I could achieve at this age was a steady job and someone who loved me for me. I do feel very lost and like everyone else is forging ahead with their lives, getting engaged or promoted while I'm in this limbo trying to just stand on my own two feet for more than a few days...

 

I'm worried that throughout all of this, I may be looking for a boyfriend to give me some stability as I do feel lost without my fiance. I know I can't go back to him but it's very difficult to think about a life I could have had. This is very melodramatic to write, but I honestly do feel broken....

[Emilia]

It's just what I wanted for myself, what I thought I could achieve at this age was a steady job and someone who loved me for me. I do feel very lost and like everyone else is forging ahead with their lives, getting engaged or promoted while I'm in this limbo trying to just stand on my own two feet for more than a few days...

 

I'm worried that throughout all of this, I may be looking for a boyfriend to give me some stability as I do feel lost without my fiance. I know I can't go back to him but it's very difficult to think about a life I could have had. This is very melodramatic to write, but I honestly do feel broken....

 

You are certainly very young to go through this but it happens to a lot of us. I was about 6 years older when I had something similar happening and then pretty much all over again about 3 years ago.

 

Understand and it's not melodramatic but it's good lesson in life's unpredictability. You can't plan and only those come through unscathed who are emotionally resilient enough. Once you have kids you will probably relieve trauma through their experiences too.

 

This is life, you are getting the tools to deal with the challenges and once you hit your 30s you will be even better equipped to deal with them through experience. It's best to aim to accept it, dust yourself down and hope for the best

[Veryconfused12345]

Thank you Emilia,

This is very reassuring to read I'm not totally bizarre for feeling this way and reacting in this manner. It's so comforting to have you kind people respond to my messages like this, I really hope I'm not driving people crazy with these posts... I think it's only just dawning on me how incredibly grateful I need to be when things are going well and how I'm going to have to rely on personal resiliency to deal with the thousands of pitfalls that come up in life.

 

I do find myself (and I'm ashamed to admit this) getting very jealous sometimes of what I perceive as other people my age "having an easy time of it." I know external appearances can be misleading and everyone looks like they have their act together, but I just feel like the "kid" mired in self pity and anxiety while the rest of the world is getting on with life and succeeding.

 

I'm actively trying to dust myself off. I'm working hard at this new job, going to every social and networking event I can, and just trying to take responsibility for myself. I think I come across as confident although I certainly don't feel it most of the time. I think the greatest blow has been the loss of my relationship. I pine for him constantly and can't recover from the sense that if we were together, life wouldn't feel so scary any more....

[Caryopteris]

Hi,

 

I’ve been on LV for a long time and find it an incredibly supportive place to come for advice and insights. Right now, could really use you lovely people’s feedback….

 

Basically, I am three weeks out of the year from hell. Literally. Everything I thought could go wrong has gone wrong in the last 12 months. My fiancé cheated on me and then continued to send me upsetting emails for the better part of the year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my job and with it, my visa. I spent months back in my home country feeling lost and scared and overwhelmed without any family in the area (it’s a long story but basically, all my family relocated). I took some part time work to make ends meet and was sexually harassed by my employers until I finally had enough and quit. I got very depressed and while I actually managed to keep it together without going off the rails too much, I feel frankly, totally and absolutely shell shocked right now.

 

Things are actually getting a lot better. I got my visa and was hired by a great job. I’m even starting to see a new guy and have all my friends and family around me again. My mom is still ill but at least I can be here to care for her. I have had three weeks without intense anxiety, sleepless nights, and crying jags. My weight is normalizing, I’m eating better and exercising, and frankly feel like I have a small amount of control back over what was otherwise a downward spiral of a year. I think I’m only just processing what happened with my fiancé and I feel like I’m instinctively wanting to turn back to him for a hug or comfort or something which I also recognize is wrong because he treated me terribly.

 

I think I need some help. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel anxious. I just feel, as melodramatic as this sounds, absolutely shell shocked and traumatized. I’m angry at no one in particular for everything bad happening. I feel like I walk around with a chip on my shoulder now. I’m fine and yet I’m so upset at the fact this year happened. I’ve worked very hard for years and been kind to try to ensure I had a relatively drama free and calm existence. This has been a nightmare. I don’t know what I’m looking for here guys but it’s almost like I’m patting myself down after a house fire to make sure I’m unscathed. I do often feel like I just need to feel safe again-I’ve been so shaken. Any suggestions on how to get over this terrible year?

Congratulations on what you did, getting through all that! You sound like an extremely strong person. I wish I were more like you.

 

I understand you are feeling like you deserved a soft place to fall when all of this hit, but your fiance let you down, so you had to do it on your own. But you DID IT! I am so impressed with you, I really am. I have a health issue holding me back, and it zaps my energy so that I have trouble impressing anybody when I do get a job. I am annoyed that my parents feel like it's a hand out if I ask them for help. I keep trying to get a job, but dread the part when I am expected to be all trained, but I am so anxious about keeping the job that I can't concentrate and make mistakes. I wish I were more like you and could get it done.

[yoman38]

man that sounds intense, well seems like you are adjusting I would take this timr to let yourself mourn the loss of your ex and to heal and then go out and start doing fun things now that your life is stabilizing. The cure to shock, depression etc, is taking it easy and laughter.

[Veryconfused12345]

Thanks so much to everyone, I’m so happy I found this community online and am so grateful to you all for taking the time to respond.

 

To be honest, it’s really really helpful to be recognized for getting through it, I suspect if I got a medal or a consolation prize or something I’d feel a lot better about all of this : ) The odd thing is I’ve never seen myself as a particularly strong person but maybe I need to start reassess my image of myself. I always considered myself easily hurt, quite sensitive and a bit thin skinned. But if I could get through all of this without completely breaking, taking it out on anyone else, or going off the rails, maybe anything else that comes at me can be met with a new found confidence? I think I’m going to print out this thread and read through it when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable. It’s nice to think all you nice people are positive about my abilities to survive this tumultuous period in my life. It’s so funny, when you’re younger and develop a concept of who you are and how others see you, you only look for proof to confirm it. So for example, after my fiancé left I spent the better part of the last year telling myself I was unlovable and all resulting crisis in my life only served to further confirm it. Maybe it really was as simple as me meeting a jerk and it not working out. Maybe it isn’t anything personal but just the way situations unfold sometimes….

 

Caryopteris, in response to what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like you’re NOT a strong person, just someone who’s had his or her confidence shaken. Honestly, if anyone were more soft and squishy and marshmallow-like it would be me before all of this happened. I always worried about people not liking me and not doing anything to rock the boat. It sounds like you’re a smart person who on top of any health issues you have (and I’m very sorry to hear your energy levels are suffering) is getting frustrated by your current situation. I completely understand the fear of once achieving success, potentially blowing it. The thing is, if you’re anything like me, your inner monologue tells you that you’re not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc. But you also reaffirm those weaknesses in yourself that don’t actually exist. If you don’t mind me asking, do you have a dream job or something you’d love to be doing right now that would make you happy?

[spiderowl]

I think you've done amazingly well to come through this and get a new job and everything; that takes real inner strength.

 

It's not surprising you are feeling angry and jealous of others who appear to have 'had it easy'. You've had it tough! These kinds of experiences can make us feel distanced from others and as if they can't possibly understand.

 

Because you were affected by all these things in such a short time, you won't have been able to process them all unconsciously. You will do, but allow yourself time. It would be really good if you could find a counsellor but I know it can be hard to afford too. You are still grieving your ex and trying to understand what happened. There is a great need to understand things that sometimes will never be understood. Nevertheless, talking it through with sympathetic friends or a counsellor can really help you to work through it.

 

You've just been incredibly unlucky up until now. Sometimes awful things happen all at once. I also lost a job and a boyfriend at the same time. I was fortunate in not having visa problems. I also spent some time on the phone to relatives, bending their ears over my disasters. They were very patient. It took time and there were some lasting effects - less trust, for example. You are going in the right direction and you should be proud of yourself for just coping. Your experience will have taught you a lot - good and bad. Wisdom does come at a price sometimes.

[todreaminblue]

Hi,

 

I’ve been on LV for a long time and find it an incredibly supportive place to come for advice and insights. Right now, could really use you lovely people’s feedback….

 

Basically, I am three weeks out of the year from hell. Literally. Everything I thought could go wrong has gone wrong in the last 12 months. My fiancé cheated on me and then continued to send me upsetting emails for the better part of the year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my job and with it, my visa. I spent months back in my home country feeling lost and scared and overwhelmed without any family in the area (it’s a long story but basically, all my family relocated). I took some part time work to make ends meet and was sexually harassed by my employers until I finally had enough and quit. I got very depressed and while I actually managed to keep it together without going off the rails too much, I feel frankly, totally and absolutely shell shocked right now.

 

Things are actually getting a lot better. I got my visa and was hired by a great job. I’m even starting to see a new guy and have all my friends and family around me again. My mom is still ill but at least I can be here to care for her. I have had three weeks without intense anxiety, sleepless nights, and crying jags. My weight is normalizing, I’m eating better and exercising, and frankly feel like I have a small amount of control back over what was otherwise a downward spiral of a year. I think I’m only just processing what happened with my fiancé and I feel like I’m instinctively wanting to turn back to him for a hug or comfort or something which I also recognize is wrong because he treated me terribly.

 

I think I need some help. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel anxious. I just feel, as melodramatic as this sounds, absolutely shell shocked and traumatized. I’m angry at no one in particular for everything bad happening. I feel like I walk around with a chip on my shoulder now. I’m fine and yet I’m so upset at the fact this year happened. I’ve worked very hard for years and been kind to try to ensure I had a relatively drama free and calm existence. This has been a nightmare. I don’t know what I’m looking for here guys but it’s almost like I’m patting myself down after a house fire to make sure I’m unscathed. I do often feel like I just need to feel safe again-I’ve been so shaken. Any suggestions on how to get over this terrible year?

 

listen to music, realize that it isn't your fault i will post a song for you at the end of this post.......you have gone through crap but you have to look at it as a learning experience and you survived.I have survived things that i didn't think i could get through.....faith helps.....if you see yourself as only a little part of a big picture that you try and think others have gone through rougher spots than you and they are out there powering away....don't waste time hating....it makes you bitter......trauma can twist you....it has changed the way i deal with situations i can get pretty insecure......when i am i pray and i pray hard........to take the blues and the trauma out of my mind for a while......and i pray for understanding and i normally get my heart answer........a warmth a soothing presence.......trauma happened to you but it doesnt define who you are...it is part of you and all things shall come to pass.....it has already come to pass.........you are a fighter because of it so here is the song....listen to this and see if it doesn't lift you a little......i wish love....hope ....and understanding..keep fighting.....i sit here typing and i will fight to live another day because i pray and live to type another day ....well dyslexia and my typing doesnt seem to come to pass....deb

 

 

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks so much for your responses, I guess it's really necessary to be reminded sometimes of the fact that even though you're going through hell, so are other people. It's part of the human condition to experience these enormous highs and lows although when you're going through it, you could never imagine another person feeling as down or as lost.

It's funny, because every day I feel like I'm 1 or 2% better than I was even a few weeks ago. Less than a month ago I was experiencing extreme crying jags and felt like things were hopeless. Now with a job and a routine and some friends here to pick me up a bit, things are starting to slowly but surely get a bit better.

 

Spiderowl, I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar although it sounds like you've made it out the other side even stronger. I certainly feel the same way you do, far less trustful and frankly, absolutely terrified of being hurt again. I'm seeing someone right now who's lovely but clearly doesn't grasp how much this year has affected me-he's a very down to earth guy and perhaps articulating just how down I've been would scare him away... I get the sense being in your 20s is not having a clue what you're doing....

 

Todreaminblue, thanks for the link to the song, I'll have to replay that when I'm feeling particularly low. It's nice to have a few stop gaps to make sure I don't spiral lower every time a bad memory pops up. I just want to return to normality-not even fame or wealth or success-just normality.

[Caryopteris]

 

Caryopteris, in response to what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like you’re NOT a strong person, just someone who’s had his or her confidence shaken. Honestly, if anyone were more soft and squishy and marshmallow-like it would be me before all of this happened. I always worried about people not liking me and not doing anything to rock the boat. It sounds like you’re a smart person who on top of any health issues you have (and I’m very sorry to hear your energy levels are suffering) is getting frustrated by your current situation. I completely understand the fear of once achieving success, potentially blowing it. The thing is, if you’re anything like me, your inner monologue tells you that you’re not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc. But you also reaffirm those weaknesses in yourself that don’t actually exist. If you don’t mind me asking, do you have a dream job or something you’d love to be doing right now that would make you happy?

 

I went to school for phlebotomy, and I enjoyed my clinical experience very much. Patients started telling me I was good at it. But the school I went to is not well thought of. I chose it because the others had math requirements and I am bad at math. You don't need algebra for phlebotomy; the good schools just require it so they can control the number and quality of students they have to deal with. So I don't know how to land the first job; everybody wants 1-2 years' experience.