Healing after affair with husband's best friend

[road]

You are mad at your husband for murdering your two children that you had in your womb.

 

Lady as all the feminazi's say It's my body, so why did you allow your body to stop protecting your children?

 

Now you are blaming everyone and everybody you can for the reason that you are banging your BH best friend.

 

Time to grow up put the blame on your self.

 

Then tell your BH that you have been banging his friend.

 

Time to be honest with yourself and your BH.

[Madman81]

Betrayed offers a lot of really good advice here.

I second this -- BetrayedH gave you some excellent advice.

 

I'd add a couple more things. After coming clean, you need to give your husband unlimited, anytime access to your email, Facebook, internet history, cell phone records, text messages, etc. ALL OF IT. Without question, hesitation or protest. Give him all your passwords and usernames, so that he can check them whenever he wants. Put discarded emails in the trash but don't empty the trash until he's seen them.

 

When you come clean to him, he will (quite understandably) suddenly not trust you at all. Your only hope in rebuilding his trust is to demonstrate a willingness to bend over backwards to become an open book to him. As between you and him, FORGET COMPLETELY any notion of privacy, probably for a very long time. Make yourself completely accountable to him at all times. Text message him to let you know where you're going, where you are, who you're with, and when you're returning. Sound like too much work? Sound too intrusive? Then forget it, and end the marriage now. Trust is built by a regular pattern of verifiable behaviour, and a lack of secrecy. If you're not willing to let him verify what you're up to in order to feel secure, then you're wasting your time and his.

 

One more thing, along the same lines. If your OM phones you, hang up on him. If he emails you or texts you, don't respond. And then, TELL YOUR HUSBAND IMMEDIATELY. Don't just delete the email or text -- let your husband see it first.

 

The good news is that, although he will probably watch you like a hawk for the first several months, this will gradually decrease with time. Eventually he won't feel the need to check up on you nearly as much, because he's started to trust you again.

 

Remember that trust takes years to build, and seconds to destroy. You've already done everything to destroy it; your husband just doesn't know it yet. The real question for you is: are you ready and willing to put in the years and work necessary to rebuild his trust and your marriage? If you aren't, you should come clean and end the marriage. If you are, then you know what to do.

 

Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

Madman's addition is perfect. I don't know how I left transparency off the list. Your life needs to be an open book for the foreseeable future.

[TheCollector]

Dear heart-aching

 

Please do me and your self a big favor... Go over to the divorce and separation area of the forum and read my thread. It's called (honestly I don't know.....) I am VERY much in your husband's shoes right now and I think it would do you some good to see the other side of your situation to get an idea of what to look for and what's to come in your future.

Thank you

[2sure]

If you tell him, he will be hurt, of course.

I've been thinking about you.

It would be so easy to stop everything, say nothing, work on yourself and move on.

 

But as we see here..it won't be gone, won't repair you or the marriage, won't be productive.

One life. Livng it sincerely is important. For him. And of course, for you.

 

So, you have to find the words.

There have been many conversations here about which kind of cheating is worse. The worst kind is always what kind is happening to you.

So, don't let the details of your cheating convince you it is kinder not to tell him.

[mark982]

your husband needs told about your cheating...he and he alone is the one who is to say if this sham of a marriage should continue.

[heart-aching]

I have received extremely valuable advice from all of you, and I appreciate every bit of it.

 

I know to get past this, I need to go through it, not around it. I know it's going to be extremely difficult for me, and 10x as difficult for him. I know I need to tell him, but I need to find the right words. I thought about writing it down in a letter, but I'm not sure.

 

Wanted you all to know I finally contacted a therapist today for an appointment. I don't think I can do this without help. And I hope she will be able to guide me in the right direction and help me find the courage and the right words.

[BetrayedH]

I have received extremely valuable advice from all of you, and I appreciate every bit of it.

 

I know to get past this, I need to go through it, not around it. I know it's going to be extremely difficult for me, and 10x as difficult for him. I know I need to tell him, but I need to find the right words. I thought about writing it down in a letter, but I'm not sure.

 

Wanted you all to know I finally contacted a therapist today for an appointment. I don't think I can do this without help. And I hope she will be able to guide me in the right direction and help me find the courage and the right words.

 

Excellent first steps. Keep riding that momentum. This is hard but people do it all the time. If you want this marriage to work, it is mostly a matter of determination on your part. Of course, he might decide immediately that it's a dealbreaker (and that is his choice) but the vast majority of betrayed spouses that I see want to stay. Give him a good reason to do it.

 

One word of caution. Some therapists are poorly trained on how to handle infidelity. As well, they are paid to help you, not your marriage. If your therapist remotely suggests that you not disclose your affair, quietly be done with them and find another.

[road]

One word of caution. Some therapists are poorly trained on how to handle infidelity. As well, they are paid to help you, not your marriage. If your therapist remotely suggests that you not disclose your affair, quietly be done with them and find another.

 

Exactly...

[Plan 9 from OS]

OP, tell your husband about the affair TODAY. There is no "good" time to do this nor is there ever a "good way" to give him the news. As a human being, your husband deserves the respect and dignity that all of us deserve. Let him choose if he wants to stay with a wife that betrayed him or if he would rather find another woman to fulfill all of his needs, wants and desires.

 

Would you be OK if your husband decided to bring another woman back to your house and have sex with her in YOUR marital bed? What if your husband decided to ravish your best girlfriend whenever you had to leave the house for something? If it's not cool with you, then it obviously isn't cool for him. Tell him TODAY. At least give him that much respect...

[drifter777]

OP: There is another option that you might consider. Since you don't have children and you don't want to hurt your husband, you could keep your betrayal to yourself and simply tell him that you cannot get past the abortion thing and want a divorce. This way you could avoid all the pain of having your husband walk away or all the years of work it will take to reconcile your marriage.

 

It's either this or tell him and prepare yourself for an explosion and then a rollercoaster ride that seems to go on forever. Others may not agree, but I really think divorce could be the kindest thing you could do for your husband.

[Madman81]

OP: There is another option that you might consider. Since you don't have children and you don't want to hurt your husband, you could keep your betrayal to yourself and simply tell him that you cannot get past the abortion thing and want a divorce. This way you could avoid all the pain of having your husband walk away or all the years of work it will take to reconcile your marriage.

 

It's either this or tell him and prepare yourself for an explosion and then a rollercoaster ride that seems to go on forever. Others may not agree, but I really think divorce could be the kindest thing you could do for your husband.

I disagree. OP, if you do this, he's going to go on with his post-marital life innocently treating his best buddy like his best buddy, rather than like a back-stabbing snake who was porking his wife for ages. By keeping this critical information from him, you're continuing to humiliate and disrespect him, with the help of his so-called "best friend".

 

Hopefully you'll do what's right, give him all the information, and let him make decisions about the course of HIS LIFE.

[drifter777]

I disagree. OP, if you do this, he's going to go on with his post-marital life innocently treating his best buddy like his best buddy, rather than like a back-stabbing snake who was porking his wife for ages. By keeping this critical information from him, you're continuing to humiliate and disrespect him, with the help of his so-called "best friend".

 

Hopefully you'll do what's right, give him all the information, and let him make decisions about the course of HIS LIFE.

 

My suggestion is simply an option for OP to consider.

 

I care infinitely more about her BH than I do for her at this point. I think her holding back and filing for divorce is a cowardly way out but, in the end, her husband might be better off starting a new life without a lying, cheating, wife. The fact that she is wrestling with the notion of whether to tell him or not makes me think that a quick, clean break might be the most painless thing for her BH.

[Michael Johnson]

I disagree. OP, if you do this, he's going to go on with his post-marital life innocently treating his best buddy like his best buddy, rather than like a back-stabbing snake who was porking his wife for ages. By keeping this critical information from him, you're continuing to humiliate and disrespect him, with the help of his so-called "best friend".

 

Hopefully you'll do what's right, give him all the information, and let him make decisions about the course of HIS LIFE.

 

Agreed. There's nothing good to come about keeping this a secret. That'll just run the risk of exposure from somebody else.

[nofool4u]

I had rationalized it in my head to somehow make it right. It didn’t happen very often, but right from the start of the affair, I felt in turmoil. I thought we would get it out of our systems and forget about it. But I ended up falling in love with him. He said he loved me too. It has lasted over 2 years now, but has slowed down dramatically.

 

 

Yep, because the newness and taboo excitement has worn off.

 

 

We have tried breaking it off multiple times, and we always end back up together for another time. He knows that I am constantly torn between making my marriage work or leaving. I have thought about leaving, but it always made more sense to me to stay.

 

Why? You have already made the excuses and laid the blame at your husband's feet, so what makes sense about staying?

 

 

After I told him I wanted to focus on my marriage, he still would come on to me. It makes me feel so cheap and used, and I can’t believe I got myself into this. I feel his morals are all messed up and he doesn't respect relationships.

 

Huh? You cheat on your husband, and you feel the OM's morals are messed up? I don't think you get to make that observation. OM doesn't respect relationships? You feel you respected your marriage and husband?

 

 

I just don’t trust much of anything he says anymore.

 

You are not to be trusted either. But alas, your husband is in the dark of it all, so he doesn't know any better.

 

 

I know he has cheated on previous relationships so this is a pattern for him.

 

Ok, what does that have to do with your cheating?

 

 

I hate this feeling and I have promised myself I will not let him touch me again. He just recently met another girl who he is now seeing. We have agreed that we are finished, and I told him I want him to be happy in a fulfilling relationship, which ours will never be. He said he wants us all to go on double dates together! He is delusional! I feel sorry for this new girl. I just want to move on, and repair my relationship with my husband. He doesn’t know and I hope he never finds out. It would kill him. My punishment is having to live with this.

 

Oh you'll learn to live with it just fine in time. What you won't be able to live with is respecting your husband enough to give him the truth about the woman he is married to.

 

The issue gets complicated because of our friendship. I promised to stay friends with him

 

Then you will continue to disrespect your husband by doing so.

 

 

I am not without guilt, but I think he holds more responsibility.

 

Wrong. You are an adult. You had the power to respect your marriage and your husband. But you didn't. No, he doesn't hold more responsibility. You cheated on your husband. Although he is responsible for his role in the affair, YOU hold more responsibility to what you did to your husband.

 

 

I know he’ll want to come over and hang out again with us, so I will have to allow that so my husband doesn’t get suspicious. It will take a lot of inner strength, but I know I am capable of moving past this.

 

Man, I feel sorry for all these unsuspecting spouses that will never know just what kind of person they are married to.

 

Bottom line, your husband deserves to know that the two people he thinks he can trust, cannot be trusted.

 

Sorry, you won't be working on this marriage. Your feet weren't held to the fire, you weren't burned, therefore you will end up doing this to your husband again. Why? Because you lay all the blame on your husband with your excuses, but now after you got some exciting side action, you are going to fall in love with him again after stating your excuses for becoming less attracted to him?

 

Your husband deserves to know what kind of wife he has. If you have any respect left for him, you'll tell him the truth.

 

If you don't, you'll keep him in the dark because you are too afraid to come clean.

 

So question is, do you have ANY respect left for your husband?

[nofool4u]

What I really wonder is if this is something that is forgiveable.

 

That depends on your H. Certainly, if he had any sense, that if he did forgive you that this so-called "best friend" needs to go away. Because he'll never be able to trust you to around each other. Hell, he won't trust you around any man, at least for a while, and again, depending on what kind of man your H is.

 

Nobody would blame him if he wanted you out of the house and filed for divorce. But you have to give him the right to that choice first. He may surprise you, who knows.

 

 

This is going to scar him for life.

 

See this is what gets me, people that know something will scar someone for life, BUT THEY F#@$%&!! DO IT ANYWAY!

 

 

If I were in his shoes, I'm not sure what I would do. It is the ultimate betrayal on a marriage, and I don't know how anyone could move past this.

 

Me neither, which is why I divorced my wife. But again, your H may decide to forgive and move on. But again, if he did, the "best friend" needs to be history.

 

 

I thought about leaving him just to spare the worst pain

 

 

What that would do is leave him forever wondering why you left him and he'd always be thinking it was because of him. Thats adding another level of selfishness to this situation. Not only would he unknowingly have been crapped on by you and his friend, he'd end up being the one that felt guilty.

 

 

I made up my mind that I do want to stay married. Guess its a matter of figuring out a way of telling him the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay with me. I don't deserve it.

 

Then you tell him. More than likely it will help him get over the divorce, unless for some god awful reason he wants to stay.

 

I can't speak for all men, but I would gather if alot of men heard from their wives that they want a divorce, they'd be heartbroken and not want to do it.....UNTIL they heard their wife had sex with their "best friend". THEN it would give them the anger they need to say, "ok, then get the F out then".

 

Everyone is different, but if I were married again, which I won't be, and a wife told me she wanted a divorce and that she slept with another guy, it would be all the motivation I'd need to open the door and tell her to not let it hit her in the ass on the way out.

 

So tell him. Don't let him leave the marriage thinking its his fault.

[BetrayedH]

I hope you enjoyed your rant.

 

The WS came on here, found some support to do the right thing and based on that, said she wants to stay married and find a way to tell her husband the truth. I hope she stays and finds the support she needs to do exactly that.

[FelicityShot]

'But I thought...'

 

My mum used to say:

 

'You know what thought did? Got in a muck cart and 'thought' he (sic) was going to a wedding.'

 

That's what you have done - you just have to work out whether you did it when you M, when you had an A, or in both perhaps.

 

I think there are various ways to get the smell of roses once again. Go along slowly, throwing out the muck, get out and run away, talk about the muck and make a joint effort, think muck is part of life and carry on but add a few bunches of something sweeter, etc ad infinitum.

 

Thinking about it now, I reckon my mum's old adage was saying be true not only in what you say and do, but give due thought to consequences and your own infallibility.

 

Oh, and I think a man encouraging an abortion in an uncertain woman is a muck cart.

[Steen719]

I hope you enjoyed your rant.

 

The WS came on here, found some support to do the right thing and based on that, said she wants to stay married and find a way to tell her husband the truth. I hope she stays and finds the support she needs to do exactly that.

 

While I do think you are right about that, I can also see the point of view that nofool4u said and as a matter of fact, I thought it when I read the OP's post about leaving without telling her H what had happened.

 

I don't agree with the H "forcing" OP to have an abortion (and actually don't see how anyone can force you to do that if you don't want unless they hold a gun to your head), and I do think the decision must have been made jointly with some pressure on the OP. Still, she agreed and her H will believe he is solely to blame if she does not tell him the true reasons she is leaving. Additionally, the scum sucking, sob, stupid asshat of a friend will go on being "friends" with her H and I can't imagine that being OK in any choice.

 

I think both OP and H have issues, but I can't see how more dishonesty can help. All choices hurt someone, but that is what infidelity does and the fact that it is with a "friend" makes it that much more painful.

 

Anyway, I don't think from what the OP says about her H that he is without fault, but neither do I think he deserves to think he was the sole reason his marriage broke up.

 

My .02

[BetrayedH]

When she actually TELLS her husband everything (with no TT), then she will have done the right thing.

 

Agreed. And to NoFool's credit, I rarely (if ever) disagree with what is said as much as occassionally I do the delivery of it. Just don't want the OP discouraged away from LS when developing courage is what's needed.

[goofgirl]

I understand, but the OP is a big girl. If she can't handle the tough love here, then she will never be able to reconcile with her husband after a planned DDay.

 

I think you overlooked the "love" part.

[BetrayedH]

Consider me scolded and remorseful. Rare of me to criticize another poster's style and not my job. My apologies, nofool.

 

Heart-aching, an update would be helpful. What are you going to do?

[I'm nuts]

How does anyone know that her Husband hasn't had an affair also? Now that could throw a spanner in the works.

 

Really if I was a woman and my husband told me to have 2 abortions I would have divorced him there and then, this bloke doesn't give a **** also about her. I feel some sympathy, maybe the choice of man was wrong but I can understand why.

[road]

There is no way to talk around the BH needs to know the truth.

BH needs to know that his friend/OM Pearl Harbored him.

 

Whether the WW wants to divorce or recover the marriage has no bearing on this.

 

Will there be consequences?

 

Yes, but no one can say what will happen. We know a range of options that a BH and WW can take. Which one that is choosen is up to them.

 

WW you danced and now refuse to pay the band. Pay up with the truth. It is required of you. As the oat meal guy use to say, it's the right thing to do.

[nofool4u]

I hope you enjoyed your rant.

 

The WS came on here, found some support to do the right thing and based on that, said she wants to stay married and find a way to tell her husband the truth. I hope she stays and finds the support she needs to do exactly that.

 

Then if she does want to stay married, then not only does she need to tell him everything, the OM needs to be out of the picture for good. She cannot still be friends with him.