Healing after affair with husband's best friend

[nofool4u]

While I do think you are right about that, I can also see the point of view that nofool4u said and as a matter of fact, I thought it when I read the OP's post about leaving without telling her H what had happened.

 

I don't agree with the H "forcing" OP to have an abortion (and actually don't see how anyone can force you to do that if you don't want unless they hold a gun to your head),

 

She also agreed that they weren't ready for kids, but she wrote it as to put it all on him, and then used it as an excuse later to have an affair.

 

So adding to what you said, I don't think it went down like that. Maybe she didn't mean to paint him as the monster here, but I don't think this was solely his decision. But it makes her justification look better. For her anyway.

 

 

Still, she agreed and her H will believe he is solely to blame if she does not tell him the true reasons she is leaving. Additionally, the scum sucking, sob, stupid asshat of a friend will go on being "friends" with her H and I can't imagine that being OK in any choice.

 

Looks like she possibly intends to stay and will look for a way to tell him the truth, even though the answer is to just tell him.

 

"finding a way to tell him" tells me there is going to be a watered down version, or something other than the complete truth.

 

Anyway, I don't think from what the OP says about her H that he is without fault, but neither do I think he deserves to think he was the sole reason his marriage broke up.

 

My .02

 

I agree. The way she writes this she put it all on him.

 

And I don't want to sound like she can't do the right thing. But she needs to tell him everything and again, the "friend" needs to be gone.

Edited September 28, 2012 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

Consider me scolded and remorseful. Rare of me to criticize another poster's style and not my job. My apologies, nofool.

 

Heart-aching, an update would be helpful. What are you going to do?

 

No worries. I know my posts cut to the quick, but I've seen to many people who think they can still do things that continue to disrespect their spouse until they had a good smack upside the head.

 

Hopefully she gives her H the respect he deserves and H can move past this.

[nofool4u]

How does anyone know that her Husband hasn't had an affair also?

 

Don't even.

 

Really if I was a woman and my husband told me to have 2 abortions I would have divorced him there and then, this bloke doesn't give a **** also about her. I feel some sympathy, maybe the choice of man was wrong but I can understand why.

 

Maybe you missed the part where she said herself she and he weren't ready for children. So if you want to believe that the decision was SOLELY the H's to abort, then have at it. I'm not saying she was thrilled about making a decision to abort, but you are "nuts" if you think it wasn't a marital decision.

 

Sounds like a cheating apologist post based on assumptions.

Edited September 28, 2012 by nofool4u

[JamesM]

I can see what created the environment for you to choose the affair. Your husband was wrong to make the decision to abort, but you need to realize that you agreed to it. You were not forced. And the fact that this built up a resentment inside of you is only because you did not seek counseling.

 

It was the lack of an emotional connection between your husband and you that caused you to weaken and choose an affair with his "best" friend. It is not the abortions or any other circumstance. A strong connection would have helped the two of you overcome the resentment and anger. You could have told him how you felt and then moved on...together.

 

I think both you and your husband are at fault for the affair only because you both let your marriage commitment weaken. However, blaming him for the choice you made is irresponsible. Bad marriages do contribute to affairs, but many bad marriages with two committed partners never dream of choosing an affair, because both know that together somehow they will get past the problems.

 

IMO you must tell him because you will not be able to keep it a secret. Your biggest fear holding you back is his reaction and how he will feel about YOU. It is NOT a concern how HE will feel, but about how your feelings and marriage. I say this because you let your concern about his feelings go when you time after time had sex with his friend in the marriage bed. If you choose to keep this a secret, then the guilt inside of you will keep you from ever enjoying sex and intimacy with your H. And his friend will not keep this a secret. He may tell a GF who may feel the need to tell your H, or he may tell your H one day himself out of the guilt which now stands between their friendship.

 

If you want your marriage to return to what it was, then you will need to tell him and let him know how horrible you feel. If you truly love him, then you must let him know what all happened and be completely honest.Then give him time to decide if he wants to continue on with you. If he does then, counseling and time MAY heal your marriage. I know of personal examples that this has happened with, but no doubt, the future is unknown and uncertain. The rewards will be worth it though.

[heart-aching]

It is hard to condense 8 years of details into a few posts so that others can understand. I know I have made excuses, placed blame, and justified my actions. Thank you for the smack on the head, but I have already realized what I have done is wrong. It is just a matter of resetting my moral compass and finding clarity and courage. I want to tell him the whole truth, but I don't know if our marriage can recover from this. Maybe it would be better if we divorced. Maybe I deserve to be alone the rest of my life. Truth is, I don't even know if I love him anymore. Maybe I never did. I certainly lost respect for him. I don't want to do anything until I talk to a therapist.

 

I didn't describe all the details of how my relationship with my husband was before the A. Some may see this as excuses, but maybe it will give insight. Think what you want.

 

We got engaged just 6 months into our relationship. He was romantic and sweet. I loved him, but it wasn't head-over-heels in love. We had enough in common, I felt he was responsible, had a good family, and thought he would make a good father if it ever came to that. I had been hurt in a previous relationship and he seemed 'safe' (kinda ironic, i know). I recognized his faults pretty soon, but thought I could live with them. I was his first serious relationship. He was emotional and socially immature, had little life experience and he could get pretty clingy. Over time, I felt he just treated me like a replacement mother vs a wife. I would do just about everything for him, even though I encouraged him to do things for himself. I feel he took me for granted, and still does. Whenever we go somewhere, I drive and navigate. I always cook dinner. I shop for the groceries. I clean the house. I buy his clothes. I do all the repairs around the house. I painted the whole house by myself. He has no man skills. If we go on vacation, I have to plan the whole thing. I have a full time job, btw. He comes home from work in the afternoon and sits on the couch the rest of the day watching tv. I would always try to be encouraging and supportive, but he was always so incredibly moody. He chose to sleep in the other bedroom, even though I asked him time and time to sleep with me. We only had sex 10 times a year, and yes I counted. And it was almost always disappointing. And this was all before the affair. I was beyond frustrated. I told him how frustrated I was, but he didn't change much. I did get him to wash dishes at least. I think I just maxed out and stopped trying after awhile.

 

I think he could see the chemistry between me and the OM. He witnessed some of the flirting, and I don't know how he missed all the stupid stuff we did. He never told him to stop or made a fuss. It's just another thing that boggles my mind.

 

He also didn't make me get an abortion. He encouraged me to get one. He talked me into it. I made the ultimate decision and I have to live with that, but I didn't want to bring a child into this world if I didn't have the support of my own husband. My husband was not overly supportive afterwards. Just would tell me stuff like I'll get over it. I honestly don't think he was capable of giving me any comfort. Nothing you guys tell me is going to be worse than what I have already told myself. I live with this pain every day.

 

Enough focus on the negative though. This takes too much out of me. There are some good qualities about my husband, and that is what I have to keep my focus on.

[BetrayedH]

As soon as you are done justifying your affair, let us know. Quite frankly, you had normal marital problems and have spent some considerable time rewriting your marital history to help your mind justify stuff that you, yourself, don't even believe in. You had a choice to either fix your marriage or leave it. Instead, you did his friend. Repeatedly and disrespecfully. Whatever he did, you got him back. Your response of "Yeah, but..." isn't going to remotely fly with your H and it won't gain any traction here either. If you seriously want to reconcile, you need to change your entire mindset. Marriage is tough. It has to be nurtured and cared for or it dies. I made similar mistakes as your H; I took my marriage for granted because I trusted it to be a lifetime and I expected there to be hard times. I could have made a laundry list of my wife's shortcomings, too, but at minimum I expected we would stay faithful to one another. I sure didn't deserve what happened to me and your husband didn't deserve what happened to him.

[road]

I know I have made excuses, placed blame, and justified my actions. ............................... I want to tell him the whole truth, but I don't know if our marriage can recover

 

This is your post with most of the excuses, blame shifting, and false justifications removed.

 

 

 

This is your post with all of the excuses, blame shifting, and false justifications removed.

 

Edit to add whether or not that you want a divorce has no bearing on that your BH must be told the truth.

 

Not only did you lie and cheat with your affair. You are continuing to lie and cheat your BH by witholding knowledge about what happened to his marriage.

 

You also are continuing to being selfish with your BH because you are reserving the right to decide to divorce for only yourself.

Edited September 30, 2012 by road