Caught snooping---please help me --- I dont want to lose him!

[SamanthaX]

I really messed up.

My boyfriend has lost all trust in me. We live on separate sides of the country and that amplifies my paranoia to a certain extent. We have been fighting alot and he has said he might want to date other people. We were on a vacation together and things were perfect.This was our make or break time together and things were better than they have ever been. Things were great until the last night when we started arguing about whether or not we would have children--he was thinking he might not want to. That night someone called at 1130--he said then and the next morning that it was a wrong number. I looked while he was in the shower--something I had gotten caught doing 2 years back--he kicked me out of his home. I saw that that number had called him before and he had answered it. Why would he have said that it was a wrong number. I got the number and called it. Asked the girl on the other line where she was located--I dint do a very good job. She seemed wary of me. I called again this morning. I have been extremely paranoid and emotional lately as its almost my TOM. I told the girl this might sound odd, but someone had called my boyfriend from this number late at night. Did she know anyone by my boyfriend'd name in the city he lives in. She said no. I apologized and just said I was A bit freaked out. She said she would do the same thing.

 

My boyfriend called me 2 hours later and was pissed. He asked what I was thinking? Had I made any calls? He said I was crazy and unbalanced. That he could never be with anyone he couldnt trust. I asked him what I was supposed to think. He said he didnt care and that was his ex-girlfriend's parents number. His ex's sister had called him. He said he had to go and I just kept saying I am so sorry. He didnt even want to talk about it. I asked him if he would call me. He said he would when he felt like it. I texted him that I was so sorry for acting like a fool and to please forgive me. He replied no. I have sent him 3 other messages saying I am sorry and please call me. I have not received anything back. Though he was at breakfast with his folks when this happened. I am miserable. What should I do? Have I really just messed it up beyond repair?

[hannah319]

First of all take a breath. You messed up but that's okay. Let him cool off and don't keep trying to contact him for a day or so. I mean it! He needs this time. Then, when you are calm, tell him that you you are sorry and that you know you made a mistake. You are insecure about the relationship because of the distance and that's reasonable. Tell him that everyone gets jealous from time to time, it's natural. Ask him if he's ever felt that way and then realized it was unfounded? Good luck but whatever you do, don't hound him. He needs to calm down before you talk to him.

[StartingAgain]

There's nothing you can do. You're just going to have to wait until he cools down. And you need to brace yourself, since he's probably going to end the relationship. I know I would. this is the second time you've done this. He simply cannot trust you. What is more, you argued about his being unsure about wanting chhildren. This is not anything that you should ever argue over. You don't get to change his mind on something so fundamental. If you want kids and he does not, then the relationship is over. Indeed, you don't even take the risk that he may change his mind later. He may and he may not. I never did.

 

I don't think long distance relationships are a good idea. They may work for a short time, but for a relationship to develop naturally, two people need to spend a lot of time together and proximity is required for that. The only ones I ever seen work is when the relationship progresses to a stage where one or the other decides to move to that he/she can be closer and take the relationship to the next level.

[Adunaphel]

IMO, as bad as snooping can be, someone that kicks his girlfriend out of his home (and it's not like you live next door!) because of it is a guy better lost than met.

 

This also sounds fishy. I think that if he got *so* upset, he was probably hiding something. That would be my guess anyway.

 

I can understand getting angry at people who snoop, but if he had nothing to hide IMO he really overreacted.

 

If it was his ex's sister, why he lied to you? and why she lied to you?

On a side note, I understand that she must have been pissed you called, but

She said she would do the same thing.

she was a bit of an hypocrite, huh?

 

And since he had said before he might want to date other people, and you were in a 'make or break time' it is very possible that he used your snooping as an excuse to dump you.

 

It is possible that he had already decided to break up with you, it's just that he seized this opportunity to dump you acting like he was rightfully angered ...playing the victim and acting like you were the really bad guy.

So he could kick you out and refusing to talk to you again ...thus avoiding all the talking that usually takes place when you dump someone and that would have made him embarassed or unconfortable. And thus avoiding feeling guilty.

 

I suggest you stop calling him, texting him and start dating as soon as possible.

You deserve better than a rude, spineless, lying man like this.

[faux]

When you snooped, all you did was prove to your partner that you do not, and cannot trust him. I believe that this relationship is over, and irreparable. You mention that you had these feelings of paranoia for some time now, so no doubt you have not trusted him for quite a while. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone that you do not trust, so perhaps it would be best to simply move on.

 

Adunaphel: She has admitted to doing this sort of snooping at least one other time. No doubt that she has done other things to express her distrust for him, and this could have been the last straw. I realize that the story can go both ways, but there are other possibilities. Whether he had something to hide, or whether she just pushed him over the edge, there is definitely a trust problem here.

[StartingAgain]

Adunaphel, you are way off base. He probably told her it was a wrong number, because he's ex's sister had called him, he didn't want to talk to her again and when she called a second time he ignored. her. He already knows his girlfirend is the jealous type and that they'd been having some difficulties. Rather than cloud the issues by having to deal with her jealousy over something that means nothin to him, he dodged. OK, maybe he shouldn't have done that, but that really is his business, not his lady friend who lives on the other side of the country.

 

I've said this a lot of times on this forum -- just because you are dating someone, doesn't mean that you own them. Until you are in a committed relationship, and by that I mean that you are cohabitating or engaged to me married, you have no rights to make demands on the other person in regard to whom he/she associates.

 

I don't think he overreacted at all. I would be very upset if I caught a woman I was dating going through my caller ID and calling numbers from it behind my back! That is just inexcusable and indicates that SamanthaX really is over-the-top undstable. There simply is no justification for violating someone's privacy. SamanthaX violated not only her BF's privacy, but the ex's sister's privacy as well.

 

You call this man spineless and lying. How do you come to this conclusion? I'd say he has a whole lot of spine. He caught his GF snooping in his provate affairs not once, but twice. I would have put her out of my house too.

 

SamanthaX knows she did wrong and I hope that she can find a way to square this with her BF. I don't see that he is refusing to talk to her about anything. They had had a rather substantial conversation earlier in the evening about having children. A man who is about to dump you isn't even going to go there. No, he's rightfully angry and he's doing exactly what he should dop -- laying low and letting his anger abate before he takes any further action. He probably understands that he won't be able to make rational judgements while he is so angry.

 

Why is it that so many women automatically assume that a man has nefarious motives whenever he does something she either doesn't understand or disagrees with. This post is about SamanthaX's wrongdoing not her BF's.

[SamanthaX]

I know I did wrong. But, there have been too many signs. Then he all of sudden started going out late and never calling me back. I was just at my limit. The ex had called and left some crazy messages before and my boyfriend said they were a joke. I do love this guy and I am insecure o\about the relationship. I have serious issues concerning losing him. I just want things to be hhow they were on vacation....it was better than it has ever been. How can I mend my stupid ways?

[Adunaphel]

You call this man spineless and lying. How do you come to this conclusion? I'd say he has a whole lot of spine. He caught his GF snooping in his provate affairs not once, but twice. I would have put her out of my house too.

 

Samantha, Faux, StartingAgain, I have to apologize.

My fault for not taking snooping on cell phones seriously enough. It was ignorance on my part....I grew up in an environment(family, friends, people I met at work) where it is perfectly acceptable to pick up your partner's cell phone and read if he/she did not switch it off. In other words, I forgot that what I'm used to see might be not normal at all in the rest of the world.

I never snooped on cell phones myself, but I can't really imagine kicking a bf out of my house for doing it, expecially if he lived very far away,let alone breaking up for something like this. So I wrongly assumed that if you do anything like this, you don't really care about that person a lot.

[StartingAgain]

I know I did wrong. But, there have been too many signs.

 

There's an old saying that goes "everything before the BUT is bulls***." Don't back peddle. I think you may want to see someone if you are so insecure that you would do such a thing as this. You need to find out why you are behaving this way and I gauarantee you that it has nothing to do woth your BF.

[SamanthaX]

Just a question for you guys, is calling me "over-the-top unstable" really neccessary? I just didn't want to get my heart broken. I was scared--I've never done the long-distance thing. What am I supposed to think when I am cooking dinner at his house and a message comes on the machine from his ex saying he should bring condoms that coming weekend when the go out of town? I was there that weekend but something was obviously going on. That is when the fear first started.

[StartingAgain]

I'm sorry SamanthaX, but I'm a man who doesn't mince words and sometimes I come off as harsh. But yes, going into your boyfriend's caller ID, picking out a number and calling it to see who it is and then having a conversation with that person about why you are doing it IS over the top and it DOES indicate that you are unstable. This is not normal behavior and you need to get some help to find out what would drive you to do such a thing not once, but twice. My wife CHEATED on me and is now living with her OM, but I never once did such a thing. the only way I knew that she had been in constant contact with her OM after she had told me that she had ended the relationship is when my lawyer insisted that she be allowed to pull the cell phone records as a self-preservation precaution. I never told my now-ex that my lawyer had done this.

 

there may be something going on. I'm not suggesting that your BF may not have another woman on the string. He does, after all live on the other side of the country. but it you don't trust6 him, whether it is for real or imagined reasons, you shouldn't be with him. But you have no right to spy on him.

 

I'm only trying to get you to think about your own behavior, rather than his.

[SamanthaX]

Just a clarification( if it makes a difference). I had looked at his caller ID when we first started dating because I wanted to know if he was talking to his ex--I never called anyone. This is the first time I called.

 

But, my question is: How could I have handled this better? Wouldn't you have wanted to know if you were being deceived? I had never had this type of thing happen before (that I know of). I am truly ashamed that I let my behavior go that far. My original post was about MY behavior--not my boyfriend's. I do take responsibility--lots of it. I just wanted to know if I could remedy this horrible mistake. Things between us had become so amazing--aside from my jealousy when we are apart. I just want to fix it. Please help me fix it.

[StartingAgain]

SamanthaX,

 

I understand you. But, dear, we can't help you fix it. Only you can do that. I think you need to spend this time examining why you did this thing and then talking to your man openly and honestly. It may be too late to fix the problem. I may not, but you need to offer him something that will let him know that you were compeled to behave this way out of your love for him, that you didn't mean to hut him, but just got carried away. He may love you to and would be willingto put this aside if he sees that you are working on yourself and trying to get a grip on your jealous behavior.

 

I've said this here, too. jealousy is not a healthy emotion. Actually it is just he opposite. If there is real reason to be jealous, you are with the wrong person. If there isn'y, it is an indication that you have some work to do on yourself. Be honest with him and ask for his forgiveness -- when he is ready. If it turns out that your suspicions have validity, at least you can walk away with the knowledge that you tried to do the right thing. Never forget that your honor and integreity are sacrosanct and must be protected, even at the cost of pain.

[SamanthaX]

I think I just gained a bit of much-needed compusure from your post. I think you suggestions are on point. Thank you.

[swtbonita]

Maybe you shouldn't have called the girl... But I don't see whats the big deal.. I know alot of guys that would do the same thing...

 

So whats the big deal.. in her relationship she has snooped twice.. so does that mean she can't touch any of his stuff.. Personally i think that if you have been dating you should be allowed to look at his stuff.. and if he allows you too look at his stuff you wouldn't have any reason to distrust him.. People ask to be treated a certain way... once you start hiding things and not allow the other person to see things you have.. it will cause many people to think that their partner is up to something..

 

Knowing this you should not have called the number.. and personally i would still check him out because all of a sudden this wrong number is his ex's number.. thats great.. so in the beginning you snooped because you thought he was talking to his ex.. and now he tells you someone at his ex's house calls.. so is he lying now or then.. pick one..

 

If it was me i would look up the number on 411 and see if it really is his ex's family..

 

anyways why are you with a guy that kicked you out of the house in the beginning of the relationship.. just shows how much he respects and cares about you.. a bit extreme if you ask me.. he should have been more open and honest so that he wouldn't have to cause you to snoop again, because overtime your insecurities just get worse..

[StartingAgain]

But I don't see whats the big deal.. I know alot of guys that would do the same thing...

 

I read over and over and over again on this board about how people trash their relationships and don't have a clue about how things wnt so wrong. Then I come across statements like this one and similar or worse and it all becomes clear. People don't seem to be being taught right from wrong and, thus, make wrong choices.

 

This is a big deal. No, she doesn't get to touch his stuff without his permission. She must respect his privacy. She must respect him.

 

anyways why are you with a guy that kicked you out of the house in the beginning of the relationship.. just shows how much he respects and cares about you.. a bit extreme if you ask me.. he should have been more open and honest so that he wouldn't have to cause you to snoop again, because overtime your insecurities just get worse..

 

I would kick someone out of my house if I caught them going through my private things. If it were the beginning of a relationship, it would also be the end. Respect is a two way street. If you don't treat someone with respect, don't expect to get it in return.

 

While the compassionate person will understand that good people sometimes behave badly, this doesn't mean he must sanction the behavior. As a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist tells the families of his patients when he councels them "You need to understand what drives the bad behavior, but you never accept it. To do so only makes it worse."

 

Like others, swtbonita, you are trying to make HIM responible for HER wrongdoing. This cannot be. He cannot take her insecurities on and alter his life so that she won't have them. She has to deal with her insecurities herself.

[SamanthaX]

I just woke up with the most horrible feeling. Have I lost him? This can't be....I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. I need to win him back. How can I do it?

[Pained]

I honestly think you need to move on - at least for now. Trust me, I understand that panicky feeling. However, it DOES go away. I've felt it for at least half a dozen guys in my life, each time proclaiming that they were "the one". Yes, you snooped and shouldn't have. However, he was and still is sending you clear messages that he doesn't want to be with you. For the sake of your own dignity, leave him alone. Focus on yourself and your own needs. Try to reclaim some of your old goals and interests that you had before you started dating him. You're not going to suddenly change for the better just by being with him again. If he wants to call you, fine, but you've already apologized a bunch of times.

 

I don't think either of you handled things the right way, but I GUARANTEE you that acting clingy, needy, and constantly calling him will just push him farther away. Give things some time. If it's over, move on. Even if it's not, you may want to step back to examine your own feelings. He sounds like sort of a jerk to me, regardless of what anyone else says. Besides, he actually SAID he wanted to date other people.

 

I used to be snoopy (no, not the dog) with ex-boyfriends whom I didn't trust. I completely trust my current boyfriend because he has shown that I CAN trust him. I don't look at his phone, I don't look at the history on his computer. I don't ask him what he did and who he was with on the days I don't see him, because that's his time. He tells me anyway, but it's not a big deal. I don't blame you for not trusting him, but you probably could have handled it better. Of course, right now I think you should forget about it and just turn your attention inward. DON'T call him.

[SamanthaX]

So, this is the end? Can I expect him to call me? IS there any chance for us---I thought he loved me. Don't you forgive those who you love and have long-term relationships with?

[sally1530]

I was 28 days before my wedding, engaged for 4 1/2 months, dated for 10 months before that, and I started seeing red flags, and he was withdrawing from me and spending too much time on the computer at night... I over heard he had a private email address, other than our combo email address and he said he password out loud on the phone to someone, one of his friends.. dont know why, kind of wierd... anyway I snooped, shouldnt have, I wanted to see what he had in store for the bacholor party, he was fighting with me about the strippers for a long time and just wouldnt give them up or come to a comfortable medium... so I looked and all I found was 3 emails to 3 different gals. I confronted him , he said he wasnt cheating and showed me he had a profile and picture (with his shirt off ) on lavalife.com ... in the intimate encounters section... looking for sex, advertising he was single, and asking for naked pictures from these gals... and send them pictures of him. After about 7 lies in a row, I didnt want to know anymore, the evidence for over whelming.. I asked him how long he was doing that for he said the engagement time, because he was courious... and was having doubts... well I checked to see if that was true and on his visa statements it said that he was on the service the entire time. Even when we first started dating... I mean really. Anyway, how could he propose and know he was doing this to me. What kind of guy is this? He said , he didnt tell me to protect me, and that now that I found out he couldnt trust me anymore and that I wrecked everything and that he damamged me beyond repair. He cancelled the wedding 3 days later, without me knowing ....All of his family knew before me and when I was told the night before the wedding shower, I was living with him at the time , he said the wedding is cancelled and I need to move out tomorrow. I did move out the next day and gave him back the ring, and he wanted me to pay half the wedding costs,,,I didnt... he cheated, he cancelled, he messed with my life.. if he really loved me then he wouldnt have been doing that behind my back, lied about it , disrespected me. I mean we were engaged... hello? No secrets at this point. I never thought in a millon years he would do something like this to me.. one day marriage/next day never talk to again. If he loved me he would have accepted my apology for snooping , this was the first time I did it and he would have never known i did it if he wasnt doing something wrong in the first place. He would have tried to work things out with me instead of just shutting me out of his life like that. Its been 3 months now... and he hates me, no contact for a month now.. I have no intention of every contacting him again.... period. Im done. and well hes done... he got what he wanted he gets to F**ck all the girls he wants to now... Im tired of wasting my love on him. Oh, it was my right to snoop, if you are not communicating well and flags are all around and you have a gut feeling something is wrong, your probably right. If I didnt snoop, I would have been married to him and he would have continuted to cheat on me for years... I saved myself alot of time in the end.

[StartingAgain]

Originally posted by SamanthaX

So, this is the end? Can I expect him to call me? IS there any chance for us---I thought he loved me. Don't you forgive those who you love and have long-term relationships with?

 

SamanthaX, you keep asking us whoe you can win him back and if there's any chance for the two of you. We can't asnwer these questions, since we only have a small piece of information from you and don't know your man. The two of you live on opposite sides of the country. Your relationship at best is problematic. Now there's a crisis and it's going to be very difficult to get things back on track. I've said this before that most long distance relationships are not sustainable; there are just too many obstacles to overcome. He may love you, but love just isn't enough and sometimes you have to walk away from someone you love for your own well being.

 

In answer to your question about forgiveness, some people do forgive (everyone should). My experience is that men are much more prone to forgive those who have wronged them. Forgiveness seems to be a major problem for women.

[sally1530]

I forgave my *ss of a ex... and why,,,, Im not sure why, but im a good person... he never forgave me for snooping...and thinks I am the one who wreaked everything and I dont deserve him... what an ego... twisted...

[Leikela]

You really do need to heed the warning signs here. Withdrawing from you, going out late at night and not returning your calls, messages from his ex on the answering machine telling him to bring condoms on their weekend getaway, and two "wrong numbers" to his phone late at night... Please wake up and smell the coffee.

 

The girl you talked to apparently lied that she didn't know your boyfriend since it got back to him and he confronted you about it. First your boyfriend said it was a wrong number and now all of a sudden it's his ex's sister?

 

His anger and pushing you away after looking at his cell phone is definitely another red flag. While it's not right to snoop, he almost gave you a reason to. Pay attention to the signs right in front of your face.

[SamanthaX]

Hes still has not contacted me--its been 48 hours--what should I do? I miss him so mucha nd I can't sleep.

[Leikela]

Originally posted by SamanthaX

Hes still has not contacted me--its been 48 hours--what should I do? I miss him so mucha nd I can't sleep.

 

Did you read my previous post or are you choosing to ignore and live in blind bliss that your boyfriend is totally innocent here?

 

Seriously, if he truly cared, he would have contacted you by now. Read the writing on the wall and always trust your gut which is why you checked his phone in the first place, is it not?