Caught snooping---please help me --- I dont want to lose him!

[SamanthaX]

He just IM'd me: you know your a psycho, right?

 

 

I responded by saying: how am I supposed to answer that?

I am sorry for what I did

 

 

He didn't respond.

 

I am crushed.

[Leikela]

Originally posted by SamanthaX

He just IM'd me: you know your a psycho, right?

 

 

I responded by saying: how am I supposed to answer that?

I am sorry for what I did

 

 

He didn't respond.

 

I am crushed.

 

Samantha, I am so sorry that you're hurting. Really I am! But until you fully accept that you are not 100% at fault here, you won't begin to heal. You snooping wasn't the problem. It's whatever he was/is hiding from you!!

 

Also, what kind of jerk sends you an IM saying that you're a psycho?? If he was mature and cared about your feelings, he wouldn't be treating you this way.

 

You're much better off without him. He was most likely cheating on you and do you want to be with someone you can't trust and treats you this way? Accept your loss and begin to heal. You'll find someone MUCH MORE worthy of your love.

[SamanthaX]

I just dont get what he would say that to me and then not respond when I answer....did he just want to insult me?

[Leikela]

Yes, he wants to insult you. He's mad that you uncovered his lies and actually had the guts to call the number on his phone to find out who was calling him. You came really close to exposing him for what he is and he's angry about that so of course you're going to be the brunt of his anger.

[SamanthaX]

I know I sound like an idiot but I've cant believe he is calling me names and then not responding to me. I mean he told me he wanted to be with me forever just last week. Why wont he respond? I cant believe this is happening to me. Why is he torturing me? Why am I torturing myself. Is he ever going to talk to me again?

[sally1530]

best revenge is success!!! dont let him know your hurting and missing him.... dont give him that power. You need to be strong and look out for your happiness and best interests now... just like he is doing.

[StartingAgain]

No, he's telling you he's finished. He has decided that he will not be in a relationship with someone who would do what you have done. Face it, SamanthaX, he's finished.

 

It is possible that he has been having a little thing with his ex. It is also possible that his ex is making all these calls (the little bring condoms BS) just to cause him trouble. I had an ex do this to me once. She'd come up to me and my then GF and say things like "I sure had fun with you last night. Where's you learn to do that with your tongue!?! (to my GF) Did YOU teach him that? It sure curled MY toes." My GF was smart enough to recognize that my (and her) chain was being yanked. But that was 25 years ago. Today a woman would start rifling my emails and phone logs to see if I was cheating.

 

If you had good, valid suspicions that he was cheating on you, you should have confronted him. Cheaters always trip themselves up. If you came to believe he was cheating, you should have ended the relationship.

 

You should have known from the start that having an LDR with such great distance would never work long term. Are there no men where you live? I really don't believe one can reasonably expect fidelity in such a relationship anyway. After all, the you of you only get to see one another on occasion. My ex-wife and I started in an LDR, but we did not pledge exclusivity until we decided that it was time for one or the other of us to move so we could take our relationship to the next level.

 

A few posters have come in on this tread and tried to deflect this back on him. I'm not buying it. Even if he was cheating, what you did was wrong and that is all you need to focus on. Diluting with with a *possibility* that he may have been cheating does not address the real problem here.

 

He called you a psycho. That's strong language; language I would never have used. But I think he meant this to convey a strong message that he is finished and will not consider trying again. Now you have to end all contact. Get over your hurt, work on your own insecurities, and when you are ready, seek another relationship. Chaulk this one up to one of those hard lessons we all have to learn, but learn the lesson well. And next ttime, pick a boyfriend closer to home.

[SamanthaX]

startingagain

 

your posts have been helpful--please advise

 

 

I IMed him saying:

I let my insecurity get the best of me and things got out of hand---I just hope there is enough love between us to get us through this

 

He responded:

it was more than just bad judgement, it was very embarrasing

and hurt alot of feelings

 

I said:

i am sorry I embarassed you and I am sorry if I hurt anyone--It was never my intention

I really feel terrible about it

 

he said:

i know--and i am not trying to make you feel worse..im just really concerned about what would make you do something so drastic and bizarre.

we cant ever have anything if we dont have trust

 

 

he soudns like he wants to talk about it--thoughts?

[Leikela]

Respond from what's in your heart. Does StartingAgain need to hold your hand through this? Sorry if noone else's advice was helpful to you but the only one who knows what really happened here is your boyfriend and you. Everyone else's thoughts and feelings are merely speculation.

[savethedrama4allama]

Wait a minute- why isn't HE doing any apologizing here? Snooping MAY be wrong on your part, but lying is wrong too!

 

I have been where you are at- you feel that you can't live without him and you are willing to apologize for anything. Wake up, pull yourself together, and realize that you both need to apologize to each other. It sounds like you have apologized profusely, but if he is unwilling to take responsibility for his lie PLEASE quit wasting your time.

 

It will hurt at first, but you will have more heartache down the road if you allow yourself to be controlled by him. That is what he is doing- controlling you and making you think this is 100% your fault.

 

And he called you a psycho? Then he is psycho too- a pathological liar.

 

Save

[young&idealistic]

Oh my God!!! My heart is racing reading all of this!! Please, please, please if you care about your life at all--DO NOT LISTEN TO ADVICE THAT YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!!!!! I don't know why startingagain is attacking you so hard, but it is completely and totally unwarranted.

 

Listen, this guy is cheating on you. It shouldn't even be an issue of snooping. You FOUND something. He got a call from his ex's parents house and lies about it. His ex leaves a message about bringing condoms? Within two hours, the girls contacts him to let him know you're on to him, after lying to you? She wouldn't have lied if she was his ex's sister. Ummm, I know it's easy to be blind when you're in love, but please realize that to an objective listener--this equals trouble.

 

The only time people get so angry about snooping is when they have something to hide. If my boyfriend looked through my stuff--which he's done before--I would laugh and say, oh did you see all my other boyfriends' numbers? I would not get angry, and neither would he!!!

 

And now he's ignoring you! What an immature jerk!

 

I really don't want to be mean to posters, but I do feel the need to point something out. This was originally posted by startingagain:

 

This is not normal behavior and you need to get some help to find out what would drive you to do such a thing not once, but twice. My wife CHEATED on me and is now living with her OM, but I never once did such a thing.

 

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!!!!! Is that what you want for your life? If you're in a relationship, you shouldn't have secrets. I say, you've been playing defense, and he's taking advantage of it. Tell him the next time he IM's that he's a cheater and you know everything (even though you don't.) Tell him you never want to talk to him again, and to stop contacting you. I hate to even give you that advice, because that will just send him right back to trying to get you back, and you shouldn't be with him. Arg!!!!

 

Even if you screwed up a little--HE SCREWED UP A LOT!! Think about what you would do if he started messing around with your phone? Would you get mad? I think not. Because YOU aren't CHEATING!!!

[sally1530]

I snooped and found out my ex-husband to be was lying and cheating... he couldnt even look me in the eye after I found out. He cancelled the wedding 3 days later without even discussing it with me first, I was the last to know, his family knew before I did, and he kicked me out of his house the next morning... he said he couldnt trust me anymore and that I didnt trust him. Well I trusted him until I stumbled upon that info.... and hes mad that I found out....

 

They only get mad at your snooping if there is something that they are hiding.... its defensive mode! Remember that.... I learned the hard way... he hates me and will never talk or see me again... what because I looked at his email once? hmmm and I was going to marry this guy?

[StartingAgain]

Leikela has a point. I cqan't hold your hand in this, you are going to have to deal with him in your own way. He seems to be opening the door for discussion, so if he's willing you have to do that. I think there should be a frank discussion about the possibility of him cheating and he needs to come clean if he ahs been.

 

I disagree with Sally. I've never done anything that I would want to hide, yet I will not tolerate someone violating my privacy. My ex and I both had administrative access to our computer and she was welcome to go in and look at my account, mail anything she wanted. I trusted that she would not do so without my knowledge. One time when I was at work, she went snooping in my browser history and found a link to a porn sight. A friend had emailed me and said "Man, you have to check this freaky sh*t out." So I had. By the time I got home, my ex had convinced herself that I was into kinky porn, probably cheating on her, you name it, and was mad as a hornet. When I finally figured out what she was talking about, I showed her the message. Then I got mad. How dare she go snooping in my account, jump to conclusions, and start making accusations? I had never once done anything to give her reason to mistrust me. I would never do such a thing to her. I told her all she had to do is ask and I'd show her anything she wanted to see. She betrayed my trust in her simply because she'd read on one of these online women's groups that you needed to check up on your man regularly to make sure he isn't cheating on you.

 

So let what Leikela says be a warning. We may give you advice here, but we can only do so much and some people will give you the absolute wrong advice, based on their own experiences, prejudices, and lack of understanding.

[FolderWife]

I personally don't see what the big deal is. If someone called my husband's cell at 11 p.m. , and it was a wrong number, I'd let it slide. If I saw that he'd called them before, or he'd answered when they'd called before, I'd have called to check

 

Did no one but me notice that this guy said, "Wrong number" then when she checked, his story changed to "My ex's sister." What about her, "I don't know that number" to being his ex's sister?

 

Um, if he hadn't lied, you wouldn't have snooped, correct?

 

In MY opinion, he needs to be apologizing to you for lying.

 

It sounds like he's still with his "ex" behind your back, and now he's threatening the heck out of you, so you won't ever snoop again. That way, he can continue his affair, and you'll never find out, because you'll be forced to believe his lies, or he'll dump you

 

What a loser

[SamanthaX]

Thanks for all your responses. I know I must handle this myself--I just feel a bit helpless. I don't have many friends in this new city and I am not very close to my family. You guys have been a big help. We talked back and forth on IM for an hour. I apologized profusley and he does seem open to conversation. He said his ex had called for a ride from the sirport and he didnt recognize the number. Everyone knows that I am his girlfriend now so he can't be cheating. He asked me how I was going to explain this to his family since he got the call while he was with them. he also asked why I didn't trust him and I told him. He said he needed time to think. Then he started getting cocky and being a bit of an ass. But, I guess he is just punishing me. I guess we'll just see where things take us. The ball is in his court. However, he started emailing me links to funny things like he always does after our conversation. Whatever it is, we will have a fresh start whether it is with each other or other people. I just hope it is together.

[honey2005]

It's definitely not your fault. I don't know why you and some others think you should be taking most of the blame. I wouldn't mind at all if my boyfriend was looking at my caller id on my cell phone. If I didn't have anything to hide, it wouldn't matter. I think you did the right think calling to check up on him, especially with all of the other warning signs. I really don't think you should go back to him, he treated you VERY badly through all of this, calling you a psycho, totally overreacting when you called the girl back. You are in a relationship, I don't see how it could upset him that much that you checked his phone. It just doesn't make sense to me. I think you should move on to someone who would respect you a lot more than he does.

 

You should have known from the start that having an LDR with such great distance would never work long term.

 

I've been in ldr with someone who lives VERY far away, and it's been working for the past 3 years, so never say never.

[SamanthaX]

He called and said we needed to talk. He told me it wasnt going to work out. We got into a discussion and then he tol dme he wasn't ready to render a decision yet. What the hell? Now, he wants to talk when I get back from my vacation--leaving tomorrow for a week. Then he said he'd call me back. What the hell am I supposed to do? Should I call him? What should I say when I talk to him.

[StartingAgain]

've been in ldr with someone who lives VERY far away, and it's been working for the past 3 years, so never say never.

 

 

Three years, spending the vast majority of your time alone, when you could have had a man sharing your life with you by your side. I stand by my point of view. But then, maybe this is all you require or want from a reltationship at this time in your life. When I had my LDR, she was only 500 miles away and we got to see one another most weekends. The weeks were very hard, though we spoke on the phone nightly.... I couldn't feel her breath on my neck as we slept and this made me feel alone.

 

Samantha, be patient. He's still trying to sort things out and has left the doors open. He's confused, which is a good sign. He's on the other side of the country and hasn't told you to FOAD. If he were cheating, he would not be doing what he is doing, since he could just blow you off and go to whomever he was cheating. You see, these people who are absolutely certain he is cheating aren't using logic.

 

What do you say when you talk to him? Only the truth.

[Mr Spock]

Seems to me he knows he's holding all the cards, but isn't ready to cut you off until he's got something better(in his mind) lined up, like his EX.

 

There are lots of fish in the sea. Look for a pond with less scum.

[honey2005]

Actually, those who are almost certain he is cheating are using logic.

If he were cheating, he would not be doing what he is doing, since he could just blow you off and go to whomever he was cheating.

 

Unless of course he wants to keep her around incase the other relationship doesn't work out. He's acting like she's the one who should be apologizing and begging for his forgiveness. I don't see it that way. He should be the one offering up explainations for why he's been lying to her. Everyone isn't as honest as you think.

 

I don't think you should worry about this Samantha, just go on your vacation and have a GREAT time. Whatever his decision, you'll be alright. If he does decide it's over, move on. Someone who lies and then has a cow because you looked at their cell phone's caller id can't be much of a boyfriend himself. Sorry, but if I was put in your spot I would have done the same thing.

 

I feel bad.. yes.. I feel used,... and cheated on... but I will get over it... and I am getting my life back in order... so beware... LOOK FOR SIGNS... and don't make excuses for them...

 

That's from a post I read earlier that made me think about your situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=44181

[honey2005]

There are lots of fish in the sea. Look for a pond with less scum.

 

Great advice Mr Spock!

[StartingAgain]

I find it very sad that there are those who come will condem this man as a cheater then there is no direct evidence that he has done anthing of the sort. He may have a thing going on with his ex, but so far I have seen no direct proof of this. The calls from his ex's sister could very well be unwelcome, which is why when she called him a second time, he simply told her "wrong number" and hung up. I have done something very similar recently when, after having two short dates with a woman, she started calling me nightly and emailing me several times per day to tell me how much she loved me. Obviously, there was something very wrong with this woman and I told her I couldn't see her anymore. Yet she continued to call, even though I'd told her not to. On the last call, I simply said "wrong number!" and hung up. Then I screened my calls for several days. She got the mesage. How do we know that Samntha's man isn't doing the exact same thing? He was never given the chance to explain. Samantha just went off on her own and started her own investigation behind his back. A *girlfriend* does not have the right to do this.

 

Some people posting to this thread aren't using reason. Even though Smantha's behavior was completely unacceptable by any standand and cause a lot of people embarassment, the fellow is leaving the door open for them to work this out. He lives on the other side of the country and having a relationship with her is difficult at best. If he wanted to have an affair with his ex or anyone else, he could easliy do so and the chances of her learning of it are almost zero. Given the current crisis, if he were really cheating with his ex, there would be no reason whatsoever for him to do anything other than tell Samantha goodbye. The idea that he may be keeping her on the hook just in case things don't work out with the ex is uttery absurd. It isn't like Samantha is on the other side of town; rather she is on the other side of the country. Why ever would he try to string her along, when he could spend a few evenings cruising the singles clubs and find a new honey to hook up with that wouldn't require airfare? So, I'm not biting on this idea at all; it makes no sense at all. He obviously cares for Samantha; if he didn't he'd be history.

 

Samantha opened this post with her moral compass pointing in the right direction. She knew what she did was wrong. Yet some have come in here and tried to deflect her compass and tell he she was right to do what she did because her man is cheating; tried to make her a victim. Well, Samantha is not a victim here, she's a purpetrator. Even is her man is cheating on her, that's a matter for her to take up with him and ONLY him. There is no ethical justification for going into his cell phone, getting a number, and calling the person up.

 

Samantha, you know what you did was not right and you are doing what you should to try ot rectify the problem with your man. I say again that if you believe he is having an affair with his ex, you should also discuss this with him. But don't use this as an excuse to rationalize your behavior. If he is cheating on you, deal with that as you think best.

[LikkleMissConfused]

You don't need direct evidence I spent a year trying to find direct evidence because I didn't beleive my own gut feeling.

 

StartingAGain I do love reading your posts because I get a different view point but sometimes I do disagree with you.

 

Some one quoted

 

Oh my God!!! My heart is racing reading all of this!! Please, please, please if you care about your life at all--DO NOT LISTEN TO ADVICE THAT YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!!!!! I don't know why startingagain is attacking you so hard, but it is completely and totally unwarranted

 

Girl I did exactly what you are doing. I gave myself completely to the mercy of an indiot who two years after I have direct evidence. He was taken other girls to our house that we bought and getting up to all sorts, putitng adds in the paper. He behaved excatly as you have described made me feel so mad and depressed I was taking anti depressants and he still carried on. He still cuold tell me the truth and be honest.

 

Another post says that would you want to be with someone who kicks you out of their home for looking on his mobile. NO YOU DON'T.

 

He is insulting you because he is doing wrong and he wants to make out it is your fault. He is doing wrong because he is not happy and probably not ready for the commitment that you are.

 

Its called immaturity because all he has to do is say leave me alone and let me think. And girl I am advising you because I have done the same thing, snoop, wonder the streets to see if he is where he says he is, wait him for him etc etc. Real crazy things because I loved him and wanted to know the truth. He is not honest with himself how can he be with you.

 

LEAVE IT ALONE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BECAUSE LIKE THIS YOU ARE DAMAGING YOURSELF

[StartingAgain]

LikkleMissConfused, it's quite OK for us to disagree. The point of these fora is to foster dialogs.

 

You had direct and irrefutable evidence that you man was cheating. Samantha doesn't; she has ONLY a suspicion with no evidence whatsoever. So trying to equate your experience to hers is not valid. Hence your actions are not approriate for her. My wife cheated on me and I had irrefutable evidence (an admission of the affair). My experience is completely different from hers, and you will note that because of this and because I am only hereing one side of this story, I will not advise Samantha to conclude that her man is cheating. Rather, I have advised her to discuss this possibility with him, but not to couple it with her wrongdoing.

 

Let me ask you a question. Let's say that you've been daing a man for a relatively short period of time. One day you walk into your bedroom and find him reading your diary. Would this not make you furious? Would you maybe tell him to get the hell out of your home? How dare he look through your private things without your konwledge of permission. Who does this a'hole think he is anyway? Before you say a diary is different from a cell phone, it most assuredly isn't. OK, so the two of you smooth this over. A year later, because he has a suspicion that you may be cheating on him, he goes into your address book, finds the name of a number he saw on your call log. It's a guy! Now he's pretty sure; you must be cheating on him. After all, you've dones some things recently that he doesn't quite understand. But, talking to you about it is the harder thing to do. No, he needs evidence that you are a cheated. He's dating you, so he has a right to do anythng he wants or thinks he needs to protect himself from you. He's going to catch you. After all that's a lot more dramatic than a talk. He writes this down, and later, without your knowledge, calls calls it wanting to know who this person is. the person should tell him to take his crazy, paranoid self to a shrink and get some help. But they are pleasant to him instead, since they don't rreally want any trouble. Then the person calls you and tells you what happens. Not only has your privacy been invaded a second time, but now you've been embarassed and humilitated.

 

I switched up Samantha's situation just a bit, but in essence it is exactly the same. If you think you need to spy on your SO, you should not be with that SO, whether the real problem lies with him or with you.

[honey2005]

I'm sorry, I just can't see someone getting as worked up about something like this as he did, what she did wasn't THAT bad. He shouldn't have lied to her and told her it was the wrong number if he really knew who it was. He set himself up to be checked on, and I would have done the same thing if I had been in her siutation. She can't just sit in the dark while her boyfriend plays her (if that's what he's doing.) Even if she really does trust him, some guys are really good at playing the nice and innocent type, when they are anything but that. I dont think he would have gotten that upset if he really didn't have anything to hide.

 

Reading someone's diary is much more personal that looking at someone's cell phone. My friend looks at her boyfriend's cell phone all the time, sometimes out of curiosity, other times when she's bored. He's never kicked her out of his house for it. And besides, Samantha's been dating him for 2 years, not for a short time. I think after 2 years he should be comfortable enough for her to look at his cell phone. And if my boyfriend had his ex girlfriend's number on his phone, you better believe I would call it and find out what's going on. You can't sit and let things like this happen to you.

 

He writes this down, and later, without your knowledge, calls calls it wanting to know who this person is. the person should tell him to take his crazy, paranoid self to a shrink and get some help.

 

Ok, I see your point there, but NOT IF IT IS HIS EX GIRLFRIEND. First lying and saying she didn't know who he was, then calling and telling that she called her. Why is he still talking to his ex? Why did he have to lie to her about the number. If she's to trust him so much, why couldn't he trust her enough to tell her that the number was his ex girlfriend, not a wrong number. Because he didn't want her to know about it, most likely because he has something going on with her behind his girlfriend's back. To me all the signs are there, and I am using reason, I just came up with a different conclusion than other people. But you are right about one thing, if there isn't trust, (and not just her not trusting him he's the one who lied and went crazy) then there isn't really much of a relationship there after all.