Caught snooping---please help me --- I dont want to lose him!

[honey2005]

You're hurting and confused and just seeking help. You're not overstaying your welcome at all. People care and want to make you feel better, and do their best to help you understand what's going on.

 

I think what Aire meant by saying the guy you thought you knew didn't exist was because someone who had said they loved you, that you were the only girl for them, and that they would love you forever would NEVER ever treat you like this. The guy you thought you knew was just this guy in disguise as someone who cares about anyone other than himself. He was just a mirage. The longer you're with someone the more you will see their true self. Take my ex for example. For a long time I thought he was the nicest guy in the world. I had never met a man would treated me so good , said such nice things, and related to me as well as this guy did. When I felt insecure about myself he would tell me that no matter what I looked like he would love me. He said that I was the only girl he could imagine himself being with, and that he wanted more than anything to be with me forever. Then one day BAM he started treating me like major crap. Telling me that I got too upset over things, and that I needed to trust him more (I always asked what he did that day, like I thought normal people did). He would go days without talking to me. To talk to him I had to call him, then he would always have some reason to go. Then one night I called him and he told me to never talk to him again. I was so shocked and confused. This was MY guy, the one I thought I KNEW inside and out. Well SURPRISE, he had been seeing another girl for awhile, a friend of his that he told me he was not attracted to at all. I was crushed. I called him everyday, asking why, begging him to come back to me, telling him I would changed, I would do anything, get counseling, whatever it took to be with him again. He refused everytime, and now I thank God that he did. I don't need a guy like that in my life. One who pretends to be all nice and sweet. After the relationship was over I thought back and realized he had been very cruel when I was with him. Sometimes he would just get angry for no reason, and take it out on me. Say mean things like he didn' tknow why he was with me, and that it was a waste of time for us to be together. But he always came back. Except this time. And if by some chance he does come back, I will not take him. I know I deserve better, as do you. I know it's hard, and I know all too well how much it hurts to let go. But if you step back for a minute, and just think about your situation, I'm sure you'll see how badly you are being treated. Do you want to go everyday wondering if he's going to put you through this again? Questioning yourself and if what's going wrong is your fault. Because I can assure you it isn't your fault.

 

If your bf really loved you, don't you think he would care about how you feel instead of saying listening to you was "boring?" What kind of guy does that? I really think you should let him go. There are plenty of great guys out there who would LOVE to be with someone like you. They just don't get the chance cause most of the great girls are taken by jerks like your boyfriend. I know you deserve better. From reading your posts I can tell you are a very dedicated, caring person who would do anything for the people she loves. It breaks my heart that you're not with a guy who can return those great qualities. You really deserve to recieve as much love as you give, and in this relationship you're not.

 

I'll be here to help out in any way I can, don't think you're staying too long, cause you're not. Good luck, and write back if you need to talk.

[SamanthaX]

You are such a sweetheart Honey.

Your ear has been sooo helpful over the past week.

I am sorry you went through a similar situation. Was it long distance? Are you in a relationship now?

 

You said: "Telling me that I got too upset over things, and that I needed to trust him more (I always asked what he did that day, like I thought normal people did). He would go days without talking to me. To talk to him I had to call him, then he would always have some reason to go."

 

This is what has been happening. I never used to call him--he always called me--4-6x/day and we IMed all day at work. My mother always said you should never call a guy so I guess it stuck. Now, I am calling him all the time. I can't remember the last time he called unprompted. I told him I felt like he was just going to stop talking to me like your ex did. He said he would never do that. But, his word has not been good.

 

The dreams are the worst....he is marrying someone else, screwing some girl in front of me, etc. ---I wake up every morning worried and anxious. I have never felt like this. I should get counseling but I feel the best counsel would just finding a relationship that is normal. I just hope this experience has not made me too cynical. I am 27---will be 28 in august--we actually have the same birthday. i asked him what he wanted and he said nothing. I asked if he was going to get me something and he answered whatever.

 

I just feel so lost and I want to sleep normally through the night. He said he just cant listen to me talk about us anymore because it is all I ever want to talk about. Well, it is so up in the air and has been. Last night when I told him we should go our separate way (before he took it back and said he loved me) he said he'd been trying to this and I hadn't let him. Give me a break.

 

I may be aggressive, a bit paranoid, selfish sometimes, and yes, insecure like most women I know....but, I am not mean. I don't like seeing people in pain. How can people be so cruel? That is just what keep going through my head. Why is he like this? Why?

[honey2005]

It was a long distance relationship. He lived in IL, I live in WV. I knew him for a loong time and in the begining, like right after we met, he was so sweet and loving. He was like that for awhile, then a couple months before he broke up with me he would start saying things like "We don't see each other enough, I don't know how this is going to work," or "You deserve someone better than me" and I would always get scard that he was thinking of leaving me and trying to break it to me easy. I had trust issues, every guy I've been with has hurt me in some way, and in the back of my mind I thought maybe he would turn out like that. When he started to get distant I figured it was cause he was graduating soon and he had alot to do. A few days before he dumped me he said "Do you think I don't love you?" and I said "Sometimes it feels that way, but deep down I know you really do." and he replied, "Good, because I really, really do." Then a few days later it was over. I asked him about that and he said he was scared. That's all I got. "I'm scared." But really he had another girl. I still has his email password and I checked it and there they were. I guess she really is better for him, though. They have the same cultural background and she's in the same city as him. I've moved on though. Into another long distance relationship, but I think this one is much stronger than the other. My new guy doesn't seem so unbelievably perfect like the other guy. He has faults, one of which is he is waaaay too honest:P. But I guess that's a good one, cause I know if something happens and he cheats on me, he will tell me right off.

 

The way your boyfriend used to call you, 4-6 times a day, my ex was like that. I would go to bed on Friday night kind of dreading the next morning cause he would always call really early and I liked to sleep in:P. But I really think he had to love me at some point, because he called all the time, at least 3 times a day. He would email me everyday with sweet little funny letters and on the phone he would always make those kissy sounds:(. I really miss things like that, but whenever I get too sad I always think of the bad things. People change. He just stopped loving me. And like a wise person on here once said, my love alone wasn't enough to make the relationship work. I had to let go. I hope you can let go, too. You need to go out and find someone who will give you a normal relationship. And if these signs come up, him getting distant, cruel, talk to him about it. If he refuses to talk to you like your current boyfriend, dump him. Communication is so imporant in a relationship, without it you have no hope of succeeding.

 

I understand how you feel about the dreams, too. I had a dream that my ex was at school with me and someone was trying to hurt him and I ran and ran to get to him to help. I woke up crying because I knew that it would never happen. I would never have him again and all the good things we had together were gone. It really hurts, but "you are you reguardless if that person is in you're life or not."

 

Don't let him treat you like this. Just think, would he stick around if you were the one being mean? I really doubt it, so don't you stick around and take it either.

[SamanthaX]

I wish it was that easy to let go. I keep telling him that I want to make things work and he neeeds to treat me better. He says he is who he is. I've asked him to come see me this weekend so we can talk face to face. He is going to try and come but it looks doubtful. I just want to knoe the truth Honey. How do men act this way to people? Like your ex, telling you he loved you one day and then breaking up with you the next. It is just cruel. I dream about him every night. He is cheating, rejecting me, something...it is always someting. I just want to sleep through the night and wake up in the mornig without that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Where is the man I love? Did I drive him away or did he just really never love me at all? Why can't I walk away from this man who does not even want me anymore? I just feel sick. I want real love.

[honey2005]

If he does come, make sure you tell him how you feel. It will probably be harder for him to hurt you face to face if he really does care about you. The longer you go without talking to him, the easier it is to think about other things, and the dreams will gradually stop. Right now he is all you're worried about and constantly on your mind, so you're going to keep dreaming things about him. You didn't drive him away. People just change and grow apart. I really think if you push him to help you make it work, he's just going to go farther from you. You need to step out of the picture for awhile and let him see what life is like without you. Maybe he will realize that he really did love you all along and he wants you back in his life. Or maybe you will realize that you deserve to be treated better and don't have to be with a guy like that. I think that if he doesn't come in this weekend to try and work things out, you should stop talking to him for awhile. When he calls don't answer it, or tell him that you're doing something important and to call you back later. Let him see that you're not going to put your life on hold. If he really loves you he will find a way to fix what he's done. If it turns out that he doesn't try to fix it, I really think you should move on. Keep yourself busy. I know it's hard, but it would be the best thing for you and your future. You don't want to spend most of your life sitting around waiting on this guy. If he does this once, he may do it again. How would you feel if you had to feel like this alot more times during the rest of your life?

[SamanthaX]

So, he is coming and actually staying for 10 days. Maybe we'll be able to get something resolved--either way. I told him I was considering moving to another city--not where he is. He asked me to wait until the end of the year because he really wants to move to SF to be with me. I laughed saying that I couldnt wait that long and how funny would it be if he moved and I left? He said he wouldn't move there if I wasn't there. I told him we could discuss it but I wanted to move sooner than year-end. I can't put my life on hold for him anymore--he says it is just a big decision. His last relationship, which was 5 years, started as a LDR and she moved there after a year. Yet, after 2, we are stiull 2000 miles apart causing me to think he just doesnt feel like I am as important or significant as his other.

 

I know that I have to move on--either to another chapter of our relationship or just my life. The past couple of years have been very difficult. Exciting but difficult. I need a change...To answer your question, I cannot deal with this type of behavior for the rest of my life. When he is sure about us, well, he is perfect. But, when the doubt settles in (when we have been apart) he is horrible. He always says, just imagine how god things will be when we finally get this settled.

 

I know couples go through alot---could these be tests? Or is he just not the guy for me. Well, we'll see if he makes it this weekend.

[honey2005]

Maybe him coming to see you is just what your relationship needs. It will probably be alot easier to work your problems out face to face rather than over the phone. But if he does come and things get better, then he returns home and things get worse, don't let him put you through it again. I'm glad you realized you can't put your life on hold for him anymore. You need to do what makes you happy. I hope he decides to come and be with you and things work out for the best, but if not I'm always here to listen and help as much as I can.

[Cacophony]

I really messed up >> I don't think so : (

[honey2005]

Hey, you haven't updated for awhile, I hope everything is ok:(

[SamanthaX]

Sorry I haven't updated. I took your advice and have been enjoying my vacation. I go home tomorrow morning and he will arrive at night and be with me for 10 days. I don't know what to think. I am mad at him for lying...feel guilt over my actions...excitement over seeing him tomorrow...so many emotions. I just hope something is decided either way. I appreciate your support and advice over the past week. I hope I have good news to report in a few days. Wish me luck and strength for this trip!

[honey2005]

Good luck! Have a great time on the rest of your vacation, and I hope everything works out for the best:)

[Eva]

Every woman I know snoops but no one admits it. Is she finds something, she should always keep it to herself, because sooner or later he will trip up and make an obvious mistake that you can bring out in the open without having to admit to snooping.

 

Of course this guy was doing something wrong - he was lying about who was calling him. He lied first, full stop. You followed your gut instinct and snooped. Big deal. You need to find someone you feel you can trust and then take it slowly. Don't be paranoid but don't be blind either. The best way to do this is self-confidence! Don't worry about someone cheating on you - if someone does that THEY have the problem, not you, and then you just leave. Nothing to do with you - it's on their soul and it's their personality problem.

[SamanthaX]

So, he just left. It was rough at first but we had an amazing time and I feel like we are more in love than ever. We did have some arguments at first about the situation but he promised to make some changes in his behavior if I do the same. We were really honest with each other and I feel very good about us moving forward. He kept asking me to come home with him but I have interviews this week which stinks. He just got home an hour ago and is already emailing me jobs in my area for him to interview for. So, I can tell he is thinking of moving here. However, I wont jump to any conclusions and will just wait it out to see if his enthusiasm lasts. For now, things are good and I will go to sleep smiling.

[honey2005]

Aww I am really happy for you! I hope things stay this good and everything works out for the best. You're a great girl and you deserve a great guy, and I hope that he changes for the better.

[RowanRavyn]

I hope you will take it slow. Let him move out here. YOu have invested so much of yourself in this, and it seems like its a game of manipulation to him.

 

Please take care of yourself. California is a great place to live!!